1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem. -- Genesis 1 2 Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz. -- Genesis 1 3 At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz. -- Genesis 1 4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, An splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark An not tripz over nethin. -- Genesis 1 5 An Ceiling Cat sayed light Day An dark no Day. It were FURST!!!1 -- Genesis 1 6 An Ceiling Cat sayed, im in ur waterz makin a ceiling. But he no yet make a ur. An he maded a hole in teh Ceiling. -- Genesis 1 7 An Ceiling Cat doed the skiez with waterz down An waterz up. It happen. -- Genesis 1 8 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has teh firmmint wich iz funny bibel naim 4 ceiling, so wuz teh twoth day. -- Genesis 1 9 An Ceiling Cat gotted all teh waterz in ur base, An Ceiling Cat hadz dry placez cuz kittehs DO NOT WANT get wet. -- Genesis 1 10 An Ceiling Cat called no waterz urths and waters oscunz. Iz good. -- Genesis 1 11 An Ceiling Cat sayed, DO WANT grass! so tehr wuz seedz An stufs, An fruitzors An vegbatels. It happen. -- Genesis 1 12 An Ceiling Cat sawed that weedz ish good, so, letz there be weed. (and catnipz 2, so wen i makes kittehs they can getz hai.) -- Genesis 1 13 An so teh threeth day jazzhands. -- Genesis 1 14 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has lightz in the skiez for splittin day An no day. -- Genesis 1 15 It happen, lights everwear, like christmass, srsly. -- Genesis 1 16 An Ceiling Cat doeth two grate lightz, teh most big for day, teh other for no day. -- Genesis 1 17 An Ceiling Cat screw tehm on skiez, with big nails An stuff, to lite teh Urfs. -- Genesis 1 18 An tehy rulez day An night. Ceiling Cat sawed. Iz good. -- Genesis 1 19 An so teh furth day w00t. -- Genesis 1 20 An Ceiling Cat sayed, waterz bring me phishes, An burds, so kittehs can eat dem. But Ceiling Cat no eated dem. -- Genesis 1 21 An Ceiling Cat maed big fishies An see monstrs, which wuz like big cows, except they no mood, An other stuffs dat mooves, An Ceiling Cat sawed iz good. -- Genesis 1 22 An Ceiling Cat sed O hai, make bebehs kthx. An dont worry i wont watch u secksy, i not that kynd uf kitteh. -- Genesis 1 23 An so teh...fith day. Ceiling Cat taek a wile 2 cawnt. -- Genesis 1 24 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has MOAR living stuff, mooes, An creepie tings, An otehr aminals. It happen so tehre. -- Genesis 1 25 An Ceiling Cat doed moar living stuff, mooes, An creepies, An otehr animuls, An did not eated tehm. -- Genesis 1 26 An Ceiling Cat sayed, letz us do peeps like uz, becuz we ish teh qte, An let min p0wnz0r becuz tehy has can openers. -- Genesis 1 27 So Ceiling Cat createded teh peeps taht waz like him, can has can openers he maed tehm, min An womin wuz maeded, but he did not eated tehm. -- Genesis 1 28 An Ceiling Cat sed them O hai maek bebehs kthx, An p0wn teh waterz, no waterz An teh firmmint, An evry stufs. -- Genesis 1 29 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, the Urfs, I has it, An I has not eated it. -- Genesis 1 30 For evry createded stufs tehre are the fuudz, to the burdies, teh creepiez, An teh mooes, so tehre. It happen. Iz good. -- Genesis 1 31 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, teh good enouf for releaze as version 0.8a. kthx bai. -- Genesis 1 1 An teh skyz An teh Urth were finishd, An all teh stufz in dem An Ceiling Cat was liek all tired An stuff. -- Genesis 2 2 An on teh 7th dai Ceiling Cat got done makingks all dat stuf; An he restd on teh 7th dai cuz he was pooped fum all dat wrking An not liek havng teh holiez. An he not get payd ovrtym either. -- Genesis 2 3 Ceiling Cat blesd teh 7th dai, An sed itz teh h0liez0rz; cuz dats when he restd fum all his werk which Ceiling Cat had creatd An made. Yay Caturday! -- Genesis 2 4 Iz how teh skyz An Urfs were made, wen Ceiling Cat pwnd. -- Genesis 2 5 Urfs no can has plantz n treez n catnipz yet, cuz Ceiling Cat no can mek rainz, but iz ok for kittehs DO NOT WANT wetfurz. An ther wuznt ne man 2 mek farmz An stuff; cuz teh clouds were all happie An didnt feel like cryin, wich wuz ok too cuz umbrellaz wuznt inventd yet. -- Genesis 2 6 But teh fogz caem in liek in Frisco An waterd teh ground so teh plantz wud be ok wen Ceiling Cat madez dem. -- Genesis 2 7 An Ceiling Cat madez man out ov teh flore dust, An breathd into his nawstrils teh bref ov lyff, wich was sorta liek doin cpr on a mudpie, but it was ALYV d00d man (v.0.8ß) so it wuz all g00d. -- Genesis 2 8 An Ceiling Cat plantd garden eastwad, in eden; An ther he put teh man he madez. (i dono how he figurd out it wuz east, cuz ther wuznt any cumpasez yet.) -- Genesis 2 9 An Ceiling Cat madez evry tree dat iz prity, An gud 4 fud; teh tree ov life wuz in teh garden 2, An teh tree ov teh knowledge ov gud An evil. man asked Ceiling Cat 2 makez a cookie tree, An Ceiling Cat made it. but he eated it. (no 1 had thot of cheezburger tree yet.) -- Genesis 2 10 An a big rivr went out ov eden 2 watr teh garden; An then it splitzd up in2 4 rivrz wth srsly wierd names. -- Genesis 2 11 Teh name ov teh 1th iz pishon (did u sneez? bless u! ): dat one runz around teh whole land ov havilah wich haz a lot ov gold; -- Genesis 2 12 An teh gold ov dat land iz gud (but u cant eatz it): ther iz bdellium An teh onyx stone. (but u cant eatz dat either. An wtf is bdellium?) -- Genesis 2 13 An teh name ov teh 2th rivr iz gihon: dat one runz around teh whole land ov cush wich is vry comfy place. -- Genesis 2 14 An teh name ov teh 3th rivr iz hiddekel: dat one runz in frunt ov Asyria. An teh 4th rivr iz teh euphratez. -- Genesis 2 15 An Ceiling Cat took teh man, An put him into teh garden ov eden 2 takez care of it cuz Ceiling Cat wuz still pooped and wantedz another dai off. -- Genesis 2 16 An Ceiling Cat sed 2 teh man, ov every tree in teh garden iz ok u eatz: -- Genesis 2 17 But of teh tree of teh knowledge of gud An evil, you not eatz cuz wen u eatz taht tree i 4 sure mek u ded. srsly. -- Genesis 2 18 An Ceiling Cat said, teh man is alone An dat iz bad; he needz frendz so i will maek him a good help fo him. (i iz good at stuff liek that. srsly. An it will keepz him outta trubble.) -- Genesis 2 19 An out of teh ground Ceiling Cat madez all teh aminals on teh urth An in teh see, An all teh birds up in sky (An sum liek ostridges who cudnt flyz, just 4 fun). (Ceiling Cat is raely good at makingz mud pies. srsly.) An brought them unto teh man 2 c what he would call them: An what teh man called every living aminal, dat was its naim. (if they didnt like it, tuff tamales, they wuz stuck wif it.) -- Genesis 2 20 An teh man gave names 2 all teh aminals, An 2 teh burdies of sky (An to teh onez who cudnt flyz) An teh aminals in teh see, (so they wudnt feel left out), An to every aminal in teh field; but for man wuznt no good helper fo him, not even ne1 to talk 2 in chatroom. -- Genesis 2 21 An Ceiling Cat caused a deep sleep to fall upon teh man, An he slept; An he took 1 of his ribs, cuz it has a flavr. -- Genesis 2 22 An Ceiling Cat can haz teh rib frum man maded into wimman, but did not eated it cuz he brot her to teh man. He sai O hai, I maded u a man but wifout teh dingy. Have fun, kthxbai. -- Genesis 2 23 Teh man saiz, -- Genesis 2 24 So man muv out da basement an lives wif da womenz, an be all u can puts your toofbrush nexta mine an I no eats you. -- Genesis 2 25 and teh man and teh woman weared invisible clothes! Cause dey had teh secksy. -- Genesis 2 1 Nao teh serpent wuz mor shneakay than any beast ov teh field which Ceiling Cat had made. An he meowed unto teh woman, liek I herd that Ceiling Cat said, u shall not eated fum any tree ov teh garden? Even dem trees on dat plate? -- Genesis 3 2 An teh woman said unto teh serpent, ov teh fruit ov teh treez ov teh garden ok fo' us eat: -- Genesis 3 3 but ov teh fruit ov teh tree which iz in teh midel ov teh garden, Ceiling Cat said, dun eatz it cuz if u eatz it he mek u ded. -- Genesis 3 4 An teh serpent said unto teh woman, he no mek u ded: -- Genesis 3 5 4 Ceiling Cat noes dat, teh dai u eat dat fruit, den u gon b able to c, An u be like Ceiling Cat, knowin gud An evil. An dis fruit, it has a flavr. -- Genesis 3 6 An when teh woman saw dat teh tree wuz gud 4 fud with flavr an everything, An dat it wuz cool 2 teh eyez, An dat teh tree wuz 2 b desird 2 make man wise, she nom nom nom its fruit; An she gaev sum 2 Adam, An he eated it. -- Genesis 3 7 An teh eyez ov them both were opend, An they knew dat their harbls were showin An stuff cuz Ceiling Cat didnt gaev dem no furz liek teh aminals; An they sewd sum fig-leavez togethr, An made themselvez clofs. Eve even maded firs thong but was vry vry itchy. srsly. -- Genesis 3 8 An they heard teh meow ov Ceiling Cat walkin in teh garden in teh kewl ov teh dai: An teh man An his wife hided themselvez fum Ceiling Cat amongst teh treez ov teh garden. -- Genesis 3 9 An Ceiling Cat calld unto teh man, An meowed unto him, "excuse me, wtf u at"? -- Genesis 3 10 An he said, i heard yo voice in teh garden, An i wuz scurrd, because i wuz nekkid An stuff; An i hided and did not want 4 u to see mah harbls kthx. -- Genesis 3 11 An he said, hoo told u dat u was nakd? I waz enjoying watchin you be nekkids. hast thou eaten ov teh tree, dat I told u dat iz not ok u eatz? -- Genesis 3 12 An teh man said, teh woman u gave me saw teh tree An told me 'bout it. At first I was liek "Noes!" but then, I was layk NOM NOM NOM. -- Genesis 3 13 An Ceiling Cat said unto teh woman, wat did u dun? An teh woman said, teh serpent playd dirty trick on me, An i eated it. -- Genesis 3 14 An Ceiling Cat said unto teh serpent, "cuz u did dis, -- Genesis 3 15 An im gonna put liek enmity An stuff -- Genesis 3 16 Unto teh woman he said, -- Genesis 3 17 An unto adam he said, because u hast listend to her An hast eated teh tree wut i tellz u U NO EATZ! -- Genesis 3 18 thorns also An thistlez gun it brin forth 2 u; -- Genesis 3 19 in teh sweatz ov ur face -- Genesis 3 20 An teh man calld his wife's name eve; cuz she was teh mothr of all livn' and cuz if he nameded her bertha he woulda benn lol all da tyme -- Genesis 3 21 An Ceiling Cat maded 4 adam An 4 his wife coats ov skeens, An clothd 'em. An he sed wtf htis is rly st00pid. i shoulda gaev tehm furz in version 1. but wtf do i kno, i iz n00b Ceiling Cat An version 2 is be lotz betr. -- Genesis 3 22 An Ceiling Cat said, behold, teh man iz become as 1 ov us, 2 knoe gud An evil; An nao, lest he put forth his hand, An taek also ov teh tree ov life, An eat, An liv 4 evr mor. -- Genesis 3 23 Ther4 Ceiling Cat sent him forth fum teh garden ov eden, 2 till teh grawnd fum where he wuz took. An it suxxd cuz ther wasnt no untied farmwrkr union. -- Genesis 3 24 So he droov out teh man; An he placd at teh east ov teh garden ov eden teh cherubim An stuff, An teh flaming (lol) sword which turned everywherez. -- Genesis 3 1 An teh man told his wife "We gun have kidz" An eve his wife said "PENIS GOES WHERE?" Aftur teh explanashun adam "knews" eve his wife; An she is has teh kid cain, An said, i has gotten man wif teh halp ov Ceiling Cat, but he kinda mean 4 makin' it hert so bad. -- Genesis 4 2 An again she is has his brothr abel. An abel wuz keepr ov teh moocows, but cain wuz farmr cuz he was part mexican. -- Genesis 4 3 An after awhile cain brought sum ov teh froots ov teh ground 4 an offerin unto Ceiling Cat, cuz he just got off Atkins. -- Genesis 4 4 An abel, he also brought teh first meets ov his moo cows (An ov teh fat of em cuz teh moo cows are on Atkins.) An he made teh 1st cheezburger An gaev it 2 Ceiling Cat. An Abel gaev to Ceiling Cat his Pokemans. An Ceiling Cat liekd abel An his fudz An his pokemans -- Genesis 4 5 But cain An 2 his offerin he had no liekd. An Ceiling Cat sed, do not want. cuz u didnt makez cookies out ov it, An besiedz u didnt bringz me any catnipz. An cain wuz mad, An got all liek sad An stuff. -- Genesis 4 6 An Ceiling Cat said unto cain, y is u be so pissed off? An y iz u all liek sad An stuff? -- Genesis 4 7 If u do gud, isn't it gun go up? An if u doest not well, sin croucheth at teh door: it wants to has you, but you hafta maik it go away. -- Genesis 4 8 An cain told abel his brothr wot happnd. An 1 day when they were out in da field, cain got all up in abels face, An totally pwnzd him. -- Genesis 4 9 An Ceiling Cat said "cain, where iz abel?" -- Genesis 4 10 An he said, wat u do? teh voice ov thy brothr's blood crieth unto me fum teh ground. (Ceiling Cat haz totally xlnt hearing An stuf.) -- Genesis 4 11 An nao cursd art thou fum teh ground, which hath opend its mouth 2 receiv thy brothr's blood fum thy hand; -- Genesis 4 12 When yous plowen teh urth, it bes all hard an stuffz; fugitiv An wanderr shalt thou b in da urth. An its gonna sux cuz therz no united farmwrkr union yet. -- Genesis 4 13 An cain said unto Ceiling Cat, meh punishment iz greatr than i can bear. -- Genesis 4 14 Behold, u kickban me from teh urth; An killfiled me; An i has no guild or clan or nothin; an' i'm KOS with everyone, even n00bs will pwnz me. -- Genesis 4 15 An Ceiling Cat said unto him, therefore whosoevr pwnz cain, i will pwnz him 7x. An Ceiling Cat appointd sign 4 cain, sos no1 findin him should pwnz him. -- Genesis 4 16 An cain went out fum teh presence ov Ceiling Cat, An dwelt in da land ov nod, on teh east ov eden. -- Genesis 4 17 An cain knew his wife (but ther waznt any grrrlz yet xcept his mom, so must b sum othr kind of mirakel but Ceiling Cat is totally 1337 wen it comez 2 mirakels liek makin more grrrlz. Srsly); An she is has teh kid enoch: An cain buildd city, An calld teh name ov teh city, aftr teh name ov his son, enoch. -- Genesis 4 18 An unto enoch wuz born irad: An irad is has teh kid mehujael: An mehujael is has teh kid methushael; An methushael is has teh kid lamech. -- Genesis 4 19 An lamech took unto him 2 wivez (c i told u Ceiling Cat cud makez more grrrlz!!!1!): teh name ov teh 1 wuz adah, An teh name ov teh othr zillah. -- Genesis 4 20 An adah is has teh kid jabal: An he An his kidz got to campz out in tents liek it wuz vacayshun but they had to chase after all teh moocows An sheeps an stuff so maybe it wasnt that much fun after all. -- Genesis 4 21 An his brothr's name wuz jubal: An he An his kidz maded all the tunez An stuff An invented the ipod, (wifout lectricity or nuthin, Ceiling Cat waz gettin rael good at doin mirakels). -- Genesis 4 22 An zillah, she also has teh kid tubal-cain, An he An his kidz maded all teh knifes An swordz An razrbladez An other sharp metal stuf: An teh sistr ov tubal-cain wuz naamah. -- Genesis 4 23 An lamech said unto his wivez, -- Genesis 4 24 If cain shall b avengd 7x, -- Genesis 4 25 An adam knew his wife again; An she is has teh son, An calld his name seth. 4, said she, Ceiling Cat gaev me anothr kid instead ov abel; 4 cain pwnzd him. -- Genesis 4 26 An 2 seth, 2 him also thar wuz born son; An he calld his name enosh. den began men 2 call upon teh name ov Ceiling Cat. -- Genesis 4 1 Dis iz teh book ov teh generashuns ov adam. in da dai dat Ceiling Cat creatd manz, in da likenes ov Ceiling Cat he made him but he didnt gaev him any furz liek teh moocows so he wud has 2 wear cloths An evry1 knoes cats dont liek to wear cloths so that wuz 1 mor mean thing Ceiling Cat did 2 teh peepz. -- Genesis 5 2 male An female creatd he them, An blesd them, An calld their naim adam, in da dai when they were creatd. teh peeps who rited this bibel wantz to b raely shur u knows ther naim. -- Genesis 5 3 An adam livd 100 An 30 yeers, An begat son in his own likenes, aftr his image; An calld his name seth: -- Genesis 5 4 An teh dais ov adam aftr he begat seth were 800 yeers: An he begat lots ov kidz. -- Genesis 5 5 An all teh dais dat adam livd were 900 An 30 yeers: An he got ded. -- Genesis 5 6 An seth livd 100 An 5 yeers, An begat enosh: -- Genesis 5 7 An seth livd aftr he begat enosh 800 An 7 yeers, An begat lots ov kidz: -- Genesis 5 8 An all teh dais ov seth were 900 An 12 yeers: An he got ded. -- Genesis 5 9 An enosh livd ninety yeers, An begat kenan. -- Genesis 5 10 An enosh livd aftr he begat kenan 800 An 15 yeers, An begat lots ov kidz: -- Genesis 5 11 An all teh dais ov enosh were 900 An 5 yeers: An he got ded. -- Genesis 5 12 An kenan livd 70 yeers, An begat mahalalel: -- Genesis 5 13 An kenan livd aftr he begat mahalalel 800 An 40 yeers, An begat lots ov kidz: -- Genesis 5 14 An all teh dais ov kenan were 900 An 10 yeers: An he got ded. -- Genesis 5 15 An mahalalel livd 60 An 5 yeers, An begat jard: -- Genesis 5 16 An mahalalel livd aftr he begat jard 800 An 30 yeers, An begat lots ov kidz: -- Genesis 5 17 An all teh dais ov mahalalel were 800 ninety An 5 yeers: An he got ded. -- Genesis 5 18 An jard livd 100 An 60 An 2 yeers, An begat enoch: -- Genesis 5 19 An jard livd aftr he begat enoch 800 yeers, An begat lots ov kidz: -- Genesis 5 20 An all teh dais ov jard were 900 An 60 An 2 yeers: An he got ded. -- Genesis 5 21 An enoch livd 60 An 5 yeers, An begat methuselah: -- Genesis 5 22 An enoch walkd wif Ceiling Cat aftr he begat methuselah 300 yeers, An begat lots ov kidz: -- Genesis 5 23 An all teh dais ov enoch were 300 An 60 An 5 yeers: -- Genesis 5 24 An enoch hung out wif Ceiling Cat alot An he didnt gets ded liek evry1 els. he flyed up in invisible airplane 2 b wif Ceiling Cat 4evr. -- Genesis 5 25 An methuselah livd 100 An 80 An 7 yeers, An begat lamech: -- Genesis 5 26 An methuselah livd aftr he begat lamech 700 An 80 An 2 yeers, An begat lots ov kidz. -- Genesis 5 27 An all teh dais ov methuselah were 900 An 60 An 9 yeers: An he got ded. -- Genesis 5 28 An lamech livd 100 An 80 An 2 yeers, An begat son: -- Genesis 5 29 An he calld his name noah, sayin, dis same shall comfort us in r werk An in da toil ov r hanz, which cometh because ov teh ground which Ceiling Cat hath cursd. -- Genesis 5 30 An lamech livd aftr he begat noah 500 An 90 An 5 yeers, An begat lots ov kidz: -- Genesis 5 31 An all teh dais ov lamech were 700 An 70 An 7 yeers: An he got ded. -- Genesis 5 32 An noah wuz 500 yeers old: An noah begat shem An ham (who wuz not lunch meet lol) An japheth. -- Genesis 5 1 An when men begun 2 begats kidz on teh urth, dey had dawters. wich is gud cuz Ceiling Cat still wudnt let dem masturbate. -- Genesis 6 2 An teh sons ov Ceiling Cat saw taht teh dawters ov mens wer rly hot An sexy; An dey sed "PENIS GOES WHERE?" An dey had sexxs but no buttsecks cuz it wuznt inventd yet. -- Genesis 6 3 An Ceiling Cat sed, i no fites wif ppl 4evr so i no lets tehm liv 4evr: aftr wiel dey wil getz ded. htey is stil thinkx dey can livs long tiem but i givs dem only 1 liefs insted ov 9 liek teh kittehs. so tehre. -- Genesis 6 4 An sum wierd d00dz calld Nephilim wer in teh urths in dose dais to scroos teh Creationists, An also aftr dat, when teh sons ov Ceiling Cat An dawters ov men did PENIS GOES WHERE?! but still no buttsecks, An they begats kidz. An teh kidz were badass powrful liek superman An wonder woman An all teh avatars in WoW, An dey wer all famous An stuf. -- Genesis 6 5 An Ceiling Cat saw dat teh ppl on teh urths wuz all wikkid An mean An evil, An dat ppl thot ov wikkid mean evil stuf all teh tiem. An they rited wikkidpedia so evry1 wud knoes how 2 b all wikkid An mean An evil. -- Genesis 6 6 An Ceiling Cat wuz rly sry dat he had madez ppl on teh urth, An it maded him all sad An pissed off An stuff. -- Genesis 6 7 An Ceiling Cat sed im gonna pwnz all teh ppl An aminals what i has maded on teh urth; ppl An moo cows An creepy crawlyz An burdz ov teh skyz An burdz liek ostridges An stuf who cant flyz; cuz i so sry i maded them. -- Genesis 6 8 But Ceiling Cat liekd noah alot. -- Genesis 6 9 This is story about noah. noah wuz rightchus d00d, An liek mor rightchus then any1 els. noah hung out wif Ceiling Cat alot An lissend 2 tunez An played pokemons An stuff.. An sum tiems Ceiling Cat even letz him winz cuz he liekd him alot. -- Genesis 6 10 An noah begat 3 sons, shem, ham, An japheth. but i alrdy told u that. -- Genesis 6 11 An teh urth wuz corruptd An messed up, An teh urths wuz filld wif meanies. -- Genesis 6 12 An Ceiling Cat saw teh urth, An saw taht it wuz corruptd cuz all teh ppl had fuxxxxd it up. -- Genesis 6 13 An Ceiling Cat sed 2 noah, i iz gonna pwnz the whole urth cuz teh urth has mor evilz An vilents then WoW An grand theft auto. so im gonna pwnz tehm An teh whole urths. all teh filez in ppls hedz iz all corruptd An dey keep emailin em 2 all ther frendz. i should haev kept it in Beta longr:( An inventd mcafee An nortonz An stuff to keep out trojan snake wormz An viruses An rootkitz An stuf liek that. -- Genesis 6 14 Make gynormus bote calld ark ov gophr wud; maek roomz in teh ark, An cover it wif tar on teh insidez An outsiedz. An noah sed wait a minit u cant getz wood frm gophrs, u has 2 use treez. An Ceiling Cat sed i can callz a tree a gophr if i wantz cuz i iz Ceiling Cat. so stfu An go getz ur hammerz An sawz An stuff. An noah sed k, brb. -- Genesis 6 15 An Ceiling Cat sed dis iz how u makez teh ark: teh length ov teh ark 300 cubits An teh width ov it 50 cubitz An teh hite ov it 30 cubits. An noah sed wtf iz a cubit An Ceiling Cat sed stfu again. so noah did. -- Genesis 6 16 maek sum windoze (but not teh µ!¢®0$0ƒ+ kind) in teh ark 2 cubitz hai An mek teh door in teh side. An maek it wif 1th, 2th, An 3th storiez. -- Genesis 6 17 An see, i makez teh flood ov waters upon teh hole urth, 2 pwnz all teh ppl An aminals An stuffz An evrythin in teh hol urths iz gets ded. -- Genesis 6 18 But i iz taeks care ov u An keeps u safe cuz i lieks u alot. An u can haz ride in teh ark, u An ur sons An ur wief An ur sons wifez 2. -- Genesis 6 19 An u taeks 2 ov every kind ov aminal into teh ark, 2 keep them aliv wif u; An mek shur dey r male An femael so dey can meks mor aminals after dey leavs teh ark but i wont letz dem do PENIS GOES WHERE?! on teh ark cuz mor aminals wud mek it 2 crouded. -- Genesis 6 20 Taek all kinds of teh birdz, An ov teh moocows, An ov teh creepy crawlyz on teh urth, 2 ov evry kind. but dont worry about teh fishz, dey can swimz gud. -- Genesis 6 21 An taek teh f00dz dat all teh ppl An aminals lieks 2 eatz, An gathr it up; An it shall b 4 fud 4 u, An 4 them. An noah sed thers gonna b lotz ov $#!+ to shuvl wif all dem aminals An stuff, An Ceiling Cat sed stfu i iz givez dem all rael bad constipashun so dont worry about it. An noah sed k and stfu'd. -- Genesis 6 22 so noah did evry thin Ceiling Cat tellz him. -- Genesis 6 1 Ceiling Cat den said -- Genesis 7 2 Noah, "Liek goes into teh ark, joo and joo kittens, cuz joo coolz an' righteous an' stuff. In dis generashun. 2 taek wif u 7 of evry kind ov clean moo cow, male an' its wife, an 2 ov evry kind of unclean moo cow, male an' its mate. -- Genesis 7 3 An' also 7 ov evry kind ov burd, male an' female cuz teh burdz are scaredz of teh commitments, an' also 7 ov evry kind ov burd, male an' female (for teh saem reason) 2 keep their various kindz livin throughout teh earthz. 4 7 daiz and frum nao I;m gonna send teh wetness on teh earthz. A little advize, probabliez a gud idea to keep 'em seperatez so teh moo cows don't haev an episode of "PENIS GOES WHERE?" until joo get der. -- Genesis 7 4 For 4ty daiz and 4ty nites, it gon b wet and I gun pwn some n00bs.." -- Genesis 7 5 An' Noah did what Ceiling Cat told him to, and installed dry wall between teh moo cows and his sons and his dawters so dey would not do nething liek to maek cowz go "PENIS GOES WHERE?!?" during teh 4ty daiz. -- Genesis 7 6 Noah was liek rlyz old when teh wetness came. -- Genesis 7 7 An' noah and his kittens enterd teh ark so tehy wouldn't get teh wetness in their furz. -- Genesis 7 8 All teh moo cows and teh other stuff Ceiling Cat (who talkz forever 'bout nutin) saidz -- Genesis 7 9 male an' female, came 2 Noah and he dun put them in teh ark, as Ceiling Cat commandd him. -- Genesis 7 10 An' after teh seven daiz teh wetness came. -- Genesis 7 11 In da liek 6 hunderd year of Noah's lief, on teh sevententh dai ov teh second munth-on dat dai all teh spreengs ov teh grate deepz liek spewed teh waterz on teh urf and teh floodgatez ov teh heavenz wuz opend. -- Genesis 7 12 An' teh wetnessez came to teh urf an' it was all wet. -- Genesis 7 13 On dat der dai, teh sons of Noahz, Shem teh Jew, Japheth teh white guy, and Ham teh blak guy wif der wivez. -- Genesis 7 14 Tehy had every kind of animal two 'cordin to it's kind, all moo cows 'cordin to it's kind, evry creachur dat mooves on teh grawnd 'cordin 2 its kind an' evry burd 'cordin 2 it's kind, evrythin wif wings too. -- Genesis 7 15 pairs ov all creaturez dat has teh breath ov life in them came 2 noah an' enterd teh ark. -- Genesis 7 16 teh animals goin in wuz male an' femail ov evry livin ting, as Ceiling Cat had commandd Noah. den teh lord shut him in. -- Genesis 7 17 4 forty dais teh flood kept comin on teh urthz, an' as teh waters increasd they liftd teh ark high aboov teh urthz. -- Genesis 7 18 teh watahs rose an' increasd graitly on teh urthz, an' teh ark floatd on teh surface ov teh watr. -- Genesis 7 19 thei rised greatlee on teh urthz, an' all teh high mowntins undr teh entir heavens wuz covrd. -- Genesis 7 20 teh watrs rose an' coverd teh mowntinz 2 depth ov moar dan twenty feetz OMGWTFBBQ!!1! -- Genesis 7 21 evry livin thin dat movd on teh urthz perishd — burdz, moo cows, wild animalz, all teh creeturz dat swarm ovah teh urthz, an' all pplz. not catz doh. Ceiling Cat luv catz. Plus catz hates getting wet. DO NOT WANT! <3 -- Genesis 7 22 evryting on dri land dat had teh breth ov life in itz nostrilz did. -- Genesis 7 23 evry livin thin on teh face ov teh urthz wuz wipd out; d00dz an' animalz an' teh creeturz dat moov along teh ground an' teh burdz ov teh air wuz wipd frum teh urthz. only Noah wuz left, an' dose wif him in da ark. -- Genesis 7 24 teh watrz floodd teh urthz 4 hundrd an' fifty dais. -- Genesis 7 1 But Ceiling Cat sees Noah guy n teh aminulz n teh cowes taht mooes n Ceiling Cat makes teh windz com n teh watrz iz no moar. -- Genesis 8 2 Teh watrz iz no moar in teh skyz, k? -- Genesis 8 3 Teh watrz goz wayz from teh beeg sanboks. At teh end of teh hunert n fiddy dayz teh watrz iz awl goz wayz, -- Genesis 8 4 n on teh 7teenth day of teh 7 munz teh big bote getz stuk on beeg rokz calt Ararat. -- Genesis 8 5 Teh watrz kipz goin wayz til teh 10 munz, n on teh first day of teh 10 munz teh tops of teh beg roks can seez. -- Genesis 8 6 4ty dayz latrz Noah guy openz teh window he hadz maed inna teh beeg bote -- Genesis 8 7 n senz out blak burd, n teh blak burdee kipz flying n flyn til teh watrz iz all gon wayz from teh beeg sanboks. -- Genesis 8 8 Latrz Noah guy senz out wite burd so can see teh watrz all goes way from beeg sanboks. -- Genesis 8 9 But teh wite burd no can fine no plaze can setz itz feetz cuz stil plenny watrz in teh beeg sanboks; so wite burd go bak to to Noah guy in teh beeg bote. Noah guy grabz teh wite burd n getz bak inna teh big bote. -- Genesis 8 10 Noah guy watz 7 moar daze n senz out teh wite burd from teh big bote. -- Genesis 8 11 When teh white burd iz com bak to him for teatiem, and sez "I can haz olvie leaf? srsly?" Then Noah noes that teh watrz is goan out. -- Genesis 8 12 Noah wuz liek wateing sevvin daiz und sent mudkipz to see teh sandbocks, but teh mudkipz noes com bak. -- Genesis 8 13 Bymby, the watrz iz dried up and teh beeg sanbocks is nrly cleened out. Noah is peekn and seen, -- Genesis 8 14 by teh 20An7 day of teh munf after teh munfmonth the beeg sanbox is ready to youse! srsly. -- Genesis 8 15 und Ceiling Cat sed to teh noah, -- Genesis 8 16 "GTFO, yous and yous wifez and yous sunz and dere wifez. -- Genesis 8 17 mbring out all teh aminalz and all teh crawlies and all teh burds, even the ones taht no fly —and let tehm PENIS gOES WHERE! and take over teh wurld" -- Genesis 8 18 So Noah cam out to his sunz and wifez and all tehy wifez. -- Genesis 8 19 All teh aminalz and all the crawliez and all the burds, evin teh onz that no fly—evin teh moocowz—came out of teh ark, leik in order, an stuuf. -- Genesis 8 20 And Noah and all teh aminalz totes gave Ceiling Cat their Pokymons, even their Charizzrds. -- Genesis 8 21 Teh Ceiling Cat peeped teh charizzrds an sed: "No moar I sez I no lieks teh mans, even th0 [a] evry inklnashun of his heart is evl from wen he wuz a kittehn. No moar I lukz at teh mans and sez "Do not want!" -- Genesis 8 22 "So liek teh earthz iz forevr n evr, -- Genesis 8 1 Teh Ceiling Cat blezt Noah and hes sunz, and sed to theys: “Haf lawt Goatse.cx and fil up dis shiznit. -- Genesis 9 2 Teh aneemals wil be rly scured of u. I mak dem be pwned by u guyz, lol. -- Genesis 9 3 If it mvs, it kin be et. Even if it dun't—o hai plants. -- Genesis 9 4 Jst teh meet, doods. No bloods, kthx -- Genesis 9 5 Ifs u eets teh bloodz iz no gud; teh aminulz noes can has teh bloodz an teh mans noes can eets teh bloodz. An ifs u pwns teh mans iz no gud--teh Ceiling Cat pwns u. -- Genesis 9 6 “Ifs you pwns da man, -- Genesis 9 7 Yah rly, can has teh Goatse.cx and teh baybeez; -- Genesis 9 8 Ceiling Cat sez to Noah an his kidz: -- Genesis 9 9 “Hay looks, u an me r liek teh bests frenz an I lieks ur baybeez too, -- Genesis 9 10 An' teh aminulz u has: teh burdies, teh caws taht mooes, and teh otehr aminulz, dem gives teh mooves off teh boats, k? -- Genesis 9 11 U and me r liek teh frenz: I no moar makez teh waterz comez; u noe gets wet no moar, k?” -- Genesis 9 12 Teh Ceiling Cat sez: “U noes taht u and me are teh frenz and me and teh animulz r teh frenz forevr n evr becuz dis: cuz Ceiling Cat pwns rpeat... -- Genesis 9 13 Visible Raynbo iz in teh skyz, k? U an me an evrywunz is teh frenz becuz teh raynbo. -- Genesis 9 14 Ifs u sees teh clowdz, u no kin sez, "Oh Noes! Teh waters comes!" becuz tehres teh raynbo; -- Genesis 9 15 and I kin sez "OHai luk teh raynbo," becuz u and me and teh aminulz are teh frenz; I no makes teh waterz come. -- Genesis 9 16 Teh raynbo will be in teh clowds and I rmberz taht u and me and teh aminuls iz stil sum moar teh frenz.” -- Genesis 9 17 And Ceiling Cat sez to Noah, “Teh raynbo meens u and me are teh frenz, k?” -- Genesis 9 18 So diz d00d Noah has teh 3 sonz on teh boatz. They has sum crazi namez all Shem and Ham and Japheth or summin. Ham wuz Canaan's daddi n nawt teh lunch meats. -- Genesis 9 19 newaiz frum deez 3 bros, all of teh worldz was ppl-ated -- Genesis 9 20 So liek Noah groes teh grapez. -- Genesis 9 21 And Noah iz liek "Oh hai grapez" and he drinkz teh grapez and drinkz teh moar grapez and no moar haz teh cloethz. -- Genesis 9 22 And Ham, Canaan's daddi and nawt teh lunch meats, sees Noah and sez "Oh hai broes, he haz teh invisible cloethz." -- Genesis 9 23 But Shem and Japheth tooks sum cloethz n put dem on Noah cuz he wuz drunkz. They clozd ther eyez so they not sawn his peen. -- Genesis 9 24 So Noah wakez up wif teh hangzover n he noes dat Ham shudda cut him offa teh grapez -- Genesis 9 25 So liek Noah sez: -- Genesis 9 26 And he sez: -- Genesis 9 27 Teh Ceiling Cat lieks Japheth, -- Genesis 9 28 So liek Noah becumz ded three hunderd n fifty years after teh waterz goez away -- Genesis 9 29 So Noah becumz ded whenz he be OMG WTF 950???, wowzors but hez ded -- Genesis 9 1 Hai, now thz be th recordz o th genrashnz o Shem Ham an Jafef sonz o Noah, and sonz born 2 thm fter th flud, sonz wit duuuuum namz. -- Genesis 10 2 Sonz o Jafef wuz Pyle an Magog-ogog an Madai an Javan an 2-bal an Meshech an Tiraz. -- Genesis 10 3 Sonz o Pyle wuz Ashkenaz an Rafaf and Togarmah. -- Genesis 10 4 Sonz o Javan wuz Elishah Tarshish an Kitteh (yay!) an Dodanim. -- Genesis 10 5 They each haz a bukkit; bukkits be sorted cuz of how they talk n stuf. -- Genesis 10 6 Sonz o Ham wuz Cush an Miz'raim an Put an Canaan. -- Genesis 10 7 Sonz o Cush wuz Seba an Havilah (Nagilah) an Sabby-tah and Raamah an Sabteca; an sonz o Raamah wuz Sheba and D-dan. -- Genesis 10 8 Now Cush wuz dad o Nimrod; he wuz big. -- Genesis 10 9 Nimrod wuz aggressive cat; an so, iz said, "aggressive cat is aggressive." -- Genesis 10 10 Nimrod has a kingdom; kingdom has Babel an Erech an Accad an Calneh, n Shiner. -- Genesis 10 11 An then he gotz n2 Assyria, has Nineveh an Rehoboth-Ir an Calah, -- Genesis 10 12 an he bilt Resen in da middle. -- Genesis 10 13 Enuff wit agressive cat. Miz'raim wuz dad o Ludim an Anamim and Lehabim and Nafuthim -- Genesis 10 14 an others; he wuz busy! -- Genesis 10 15 Canaan wuz dad o Sidon and Heth -- Genesis 10 16 an sum more -- Genesis 10 17 an sum more -- Genesis 10 18 an sum more, I forget. -- Genesis 10 19 Take da 1st left at Gerar fter Sidon, go as far as Gaza, turnz to Sodom an Gomorrah an Admah and Zeboiim, if u at Lasha, u gone 2 far. -- Genesis 10 20 That wuz Ham. -- Genesis 10 21 An 2 Shem, he gotz sum kidz. -- Genesis 10 22 Shem gotz Elam and Asshur an Arpachshad and Lud an Aram. -- Genesis 10 23 An Aram gotz Uz and Hul an Gether an Mash. -- Genesis 10 24 Arpachshad gotz a betur name. -- Genesis 10 25 Eber gotz 2 sonz; 1 wuz Peleg, cuz to him, aggressive cat wuz agressive, an defensive cat wuz defensive; an he had a brudder, hiz brudder's name wuz Joktan. -- Genesis 10 26 Joktan gotz some kidz, -- Genesis 10 27 kinda a lotz a kidz, -- Genesis 10 28 lotz a kidz, -- Genesis 10 29 an some more, yeah, he got himz sum kidz. -- Genesis 10 30 Now take da 1st left at Mesha 2 Sefar, an u c sum hillz in da east. -- Genesis 10 31 Bai Shem, -- Genesis 10 32 kthxbai. -- Genesis 10 1 And all uv de Urf was lolcatspeekinkz usin' lolcats werdz. -- Genesis 11 2 Whial teh menz be movin' eest, they finded vallee in teh land uv Shinar an sitted ther. -- Genesis 11 3 Dey sed "hai, letz maek teh brix an make 'em harrd wif fire." So dey uzed brix for ston an bitumen (wtf izzat?) for mortar. -- Genesis 11 4 Den dey sed "hai, letz maek reel tall towerz for us so we be togethr forevr!" -- Genesis 11 5 So, Ceiling Cat comeded down an saw teh men an ther towerz. -- Genesis 11 6 Den Ceiling Cat sez "Oh noes, if they all togethr after mah hi spot, they gonna get mah hi spot! -- Genesis 11 7 I gots'ta confuzzle 'em and stop 'em!" -- Genesis 11 8 Dat's wai Ceiling Cat pwned 'em an dragd 'em away from ther towerz. Dey stop buldin' after dat. -- Genesis 11 9 So teh towerz wuz calld Babel cuz Ceiling Cat made teh men babbul ther befor movin' dem. -- Genesis 11 10 So liek lissen, dis here'z teh stuffs Shem did. Two yeerz after teh Urfs wuz all fludz n' stuff, Shem was liek a hunnerd yrz old, and he finilly got doen to bizness makin teh babeez. He namez furst babee Arpachshad. -- Genesis 11 11 Shem went an lived OMG ANOTHER 500 YRZ and madez more babeez. -- Genesis 11 12 Arpachshad only waeted 35 yrz before he made babeez, and was teh dad ov Shelah. -- Genesis 11 13 Tehn Arphaxad lived OMG ANOTHER 403 YRZ and madez more babeez. -- Genesis 11 14 Shelah only waeted 30 yrz before he goed PENIS GOES WHARE?!, and was teh dad ov Eber. -- Genesis 11 15 Tehn Shelah lived 403 more yrz also and madez more babeez 'cuz he dint want hiz dad to show him up. -- Genesis 11 16 Eber waeted 34 yrz to has babeez, and was teh dad o teh Peleg. -- Genesis 11 17 Tehn Eber lived 430 more yrz and madez more babeez jus to show hiz dad and grampz whoz teh boss. -- Genesis 11 18 Peleg took afta grampa Shelah an maed babeez at 30 yrz old, and was teh dad ov Reu -- Genesis 11 19 But Peleg only lasted 209 more yrz, tho he maeded more babeez. -- Genesis 11 20 Reu went an did it at 32, and was teh dad ov Serug. -- Genesis 11 21 Reu liveded only 207 yrz longer, tho he too maeded more babeez. -- Genesis 11 22 At 30, Serug maed babeez, and was teh dad ov Nahor. -- Genesis 11 23 Serug only lasted 200 mor yrz, but still maeded mor babeez. -- Genesis 11 24 Nahor beet his daddies past and maed babeez at 29, and was teh dad ov Terah. -- Genesis 11 25 Nahor also only liveded to 119, but he too maeded other babeez. -- Genesis 11 26 Terah maeded teh babeez Abram, Nahor, and Haran by teh tiem he was 70. -- Genesis 11 27 So herez what Terah been doed. Liek was sed, Terah maeded teh babeez Abram, Nahor, and Haran. Haran maeded teh babee Lot. -- Genesis 11 28 Haran dieded before his daddy Terah, in his hoemtown Ur ov Chaldeans. -- Genesis 11 29 Abram an Nahor gotz teh ladies; Abram gotz Sarai, an Nahor gotz Milcah. Milcah's daddy was Haran, who also had teh babee Iscah. -- Genesis 11 30 An Sarai was liek "OMG I cant hav babeez!;(" -- Genesis 11 31 So den Terah tookded Abram, Lot, and Sarai and ran off out ov Ur ov Chaldeans. He ment to hed to Canaan, but dey stopded in Haran. -- Genesis 11 32 Terah died dere in Haran afta 205 yrz. -- Genesis 11 1 Ceiling Cat sais to Abram, gowai. -- Genesis 12 2 Ceiling Cat sais I can mek u famous on teh interwebs and u mek teh babiez and stuffs. -- Genesis 12 3 I leik dem who leik u, an I DO NOT WANT! dem who DO NOT WANT! you, and I liekd the south africa and the Iraq cuz you leik. -- Genesis 12 4 Abram n Lot gowai, and dey are old and stuffs. -- Genesis 12 5 Abram takes all da monies and his wyfe and all da babiez and sayd kthxbai. -- Genesis 12 6 Abram sees da invisible tree. -- Genesis 12 7 Ceiling Cat sais all this base are belong to u. Abram makeded Ceiling Cat a cookie. -- Genesis 12 8 Abrams can has the base and can has house in teh base. He makeded Cieling Cat a cookie agian. -- Genesis 12 9 Abrams explorded all his base. -- Genesis 12 10 But all his base no can has cheezburger, and Abram has to gowai. -- Genesis 12 11 Abram gets to the end of teh base and sais to da wife, ur in my heart, stealing it. -- Genesis 12 12 Abrams sais that those d00dz will want surpriz! buttsecks and will maek me ded. -- Genesis 12 13 Abrams sais to da wyfe tell dem ur my sister so dey DO NOT WANT! surpriz! buttsecks and dey leik me. -- Genesis 12 14 Teh d00dz did want surpriz! buttsecks. -- Genesis 12 15 Da King wanted surpriz! buttsecks too and he stolded Abrams wyfe. -- Genesis 12 16 Da King likeded Abrams and said you can has bukkit and lolwalrus too, and moocows and even peeple. -- Genesis 12 17 Ceiling Cat makeded the King sick where pewpies come from. -- Genesis 12 18 Da King said to Abrams you lieded to me. -- Genesis 12 19 Da King did not want surpriz! buttsecks nymoar and sez take ur wyfe and gowai. -- Genesis 12 20 Da King makeded Abrams gowai and was in his base, stealin all his stuffz. -- Genesis 12 1 Abram goed up from Ejipp to the Neggev and him takez his woman and cheezburgerz and bukketz and inviseble biek and L0t. -- Genesis 13 2 Abram had gots menny moocowz and chickenz and piggs and such but pigz wuz stil k cuz abram An hiz peepz wuznt rly joos yet so kosher wuznt invntd yet. he gots too lots of teh shynee coinz and stuffz -- Genesis 13 3 he lef teh negev and rode teh inviseble biek to and fro and goes to Bethel, and is liek "oh hai", cuz his tentz and bukkets were dere b4 -- Genesis 13 4 An den Abram wuz liek "CIELING CAT!!!!!!!!!!11111oneeleven" -- Genesis 13 5 And L0t, wit Abram haz his moocows and piggs and homez and stuffz -- Genesis 13 6 But the urth no can hold demz at same tyme, for their moocows were too larj. -- Genesis 13 7 An Abram and L0t wuz liek "MORTAL KOMBAT!!" An Canaanites and Perizzites wuz ther 2 -- Genesis 13 8 Abram and Lot was lyk "we no wants fite, we iz BFF's and can has cheezburgers, -- Genesis 13 9 An teh hole urth is larj liek really big hairball. we can splitz up -- Genesis 13 10 L0t looked at Jordan, seed it was wet, liek teh Cieling Cat's garden of vejtiblez. This was before Ceiling Cat PWNT Sodom and Gomora -- Genesis 13 11 Lot lieked Cieling Cat's backyard, he want, and haz all of jordan. Abram no liek and goed bai. -- Genesis 13 12 Abram lives on teh grass and sandbox of Canaan, while L0t live in homez with catboxz near Sodom. -- Genesis 13 13 An kittehs of Sodom are evul like puppehs and talkin bad bout Ceiling Cat An iz keepz on raedin wikkidpedia An ritin mor stuff in it bout how 2 b mor eviler den puppehs. -- Genesis 13 14 An Ceiling Cat sayz to Abram after Lot went bai, "Look up,down,left,right,b,a,select,start- -- Genesis 13 15 cuz dats teh code for unlimited cheezburgers for you and yous kittehs -- Genesis 13 16 An i will make your kittehs of litter and urth, so litter kittehs could be counted, huh? -- Genesis 13 17 so you goes and walks thru my sandboxz, cuz i givez it all to u" -- Genesis 13 18 So Abram moved his homez and goed to live by teh really big treez and plants and grass of Mamre at Hebron, where he makez a great cheezburger shrine for teh Cieling Cat. -- Genesis 13 1 Lotz of kings liek Amrafel, Arioch, Kedoror, and Tidal (who iz wet) -- Genesis 14 2 Other bunch of kings leik Bera, and Birsha, and Shinab, And Admah, and Shemeber, and Bela's king, no leik other kings and MORTAL KOMBAT!!@! -- Genesis 14 3 All bunch of kings met in salty see's -- Genesis 14 4 For 12th years tey suffer to Kedolomer, but 13th year they Mortal Kombat!!!@# -- Genesis 14 5 14th year Kedolomer and teh kingz, beated up teh Refaites in bunch of sandboxz. -- Genesis 14 6 An teh Horites in bumpy country Seir near real dry sandbox El Paran. -- Genesis 14 7 tehy turn back an went to En Mishpat, and they has whole base now of Amalekites and Amorites in Hazazon Tamar. -- Genesis 14 8 Tehn Sodom king, and Gomora king and Admah king and Zeloiim king and Bela king, left 4 battlefield 2142, in Crevice Siddim. -- Genesis 14 9 Who no like Kedorlaomer and Tidal (he iz still wet) and Amraphel and Arloch, 4 kings gainst 5, cheating:( -- Genesis 14 10 In crevice Siddim wit lotz sticky pits, When Sodom king and Gomorrah king went bai they got suck in sticky and messed up ther furz. -- Genesis 14 11 4 kings sais I can has your catnipz and your cheezburgers, kthxbai -- Genesis 14 12 Tehy grabd Lot and his catnipz and cheezburgers, because he in Sodom homez. -- Genesis 14 13 Sneaky Cat escaped and told Abram (who lives in big treez with lots of cheezburgers) -- Genesis 14 14 Abram sez "LEAVE LOT ALONEz!!!!" -- Genesis 14 15 In dark Abram split kitteh armeh and performed blitzkreig bop. Chased to far away urth of Hobah -- Genesis 14 16 Abram got back his cheezburgers and his catnip and Lot with his catnip and cheezburgers (lots and lots) and Sexxy lady kittehs and baby kittehs -- Genesis 14 17 when abram got back he shared cheezburgers with Sodom king -- Genesis 14 18 Melchizedek brunggd out snax and mulk, he is BFF with Ceiling Cat -- Genesis 14 19 An He told Abram you can has blessing, saying "blessed can be Abram by Ceiling Cat, Creator of cheezburgers and cookies and stuff" -- Genesis 14 20 And blessed be Ceiling Cat soo high up, -- Genesis 14 21 Teh king of Sodom sayz 2 Abram, "i can has teh kittehs, you keep teh catnip and cheezburgers and stuff" -- Genesis 14 22 Abram said "No Liek, raised paw to Ceiling Cat, soo high up, creater of cheezburgers and catnip and urth and stuffz, i has swared" -- Genesis 14 23 No Liek your stuff, not yarn, not string, not thong, or shoes, no wai U can sai "I made Abram Rich" -- Genesis 14 24 I no take anyting but teh cheezburgers my kittehs alredy eated. -- Genesis 14 1 An den, Abram can has dream of Cieling Cat, and he sez -- Genesis 15 2 but Abram wuz liek "Cieling Cat, i has no kittehs to giv mah homez and sandboxz and littrbox and such -- Genesis 15 3 with no kittehs, my servants can has mah homez and such -- Genesis 15 4 Cieling Cat sez "STFU Abram, i can givez you a kitteh to play WoW with" -- Genesis 15 5 He takes Abram outside and is liek "look at teh starz and hevenz, if yous can count them, so is ur kittehs" -- Genesis 15 6 And Abram was liek srsly? All cause Ceiling Cat is Righchus -- Genesis 15 7 He also says "I iz Ceiling Cat, I give you lots and lots of urfs to has" -- Genesis 15 8 Abram was leik "But how Ceiling Cat, teh horde alredy has possesions?" -- Genesis 15 9 An Ceiling Cat was leik "Bring me moocow, goat and rams but only 3 yeerz old with a white burd and baby pidgun" -- Genesis 15 10 Abram brought teh moocow and teh got and teh rams but he cutted them in half. Teh burdz and pidgun were not. -- Genesis 15 11 Tehn evil burdz came from the ceiling and eated dem. Abram no liek and says you no can has. -- Genesis 15 12 Abram has sleep as sun goes down, but no good, lots of nightmares (poor Abram). -- Genesis 15 13 An Ceiling Cat was liek, "ur kittehs will be not knowed in nayshuns they no has, they will be pwnt and slaved, tis bad, but dey will come out with cheezburgers" -- Genesis 15 14 Ceiling Cat says tho he will "make unwanted invisible buttsecks with nayshuns dat make ure kittehs pwnt. -- Genesis 15 15 u is not bad tho, u can has death at old age with papa kittehs -- Genesis 15 16 but ur great-great-grand kittehs will come back here, cuz then sinz of Amorites reach critical mass" -- Genesis 15 17 Then it gots dark out, and there appeerz a bucket with fire -- Genesis 15 18 An Cieling Cat sez "i give all dis sandboxz and littrboxs to your kittehs, and their kittehs kittehs and so on and so forth -- Genesis 15 19 and teh littrboxs of Kenites, Kenizzites, Kadmonites, -- Genesis 15 20 Hittites, Perizzites, Rephaites, -- Genesis 15 21 Amorites, Canaanites, Girgashites and Jebusites." -- Genesis 15 1 Sarai no can has kittehs. She can has Jippshun bukkit holdr Hagar. -- Genesis 16 2 Sarai sez to Abe, "Teh Invizible Man sez I no can haz kittehs. Maybe Hagar can haz kittehs. Make kittehs with Hagar." -- Genesis 16 3 Abrham said kthanxbye. -- Genesis 16 4 10 yrz laterz, no srsly, he made kittehz wit Hagar. Hagar got babeez in her and got sasseh. -- Genesis 16 5 Sarai gotted madz at Abrham. She sed, "yr fawlt I is not happy. You and my bukkit holdr made kittehs and kittehs made her sasseh. The Invisible Man sez hooz rite. -- Genesis 16 6 Abe sed, "Shez YR bukkit holdr. No srsly." So Sarai took Hagarz cheezeburgerz from her and Hagar ran. -- Genesis 16 7 The invizible manz Ceiling Cat saw Hagar in the sandbox. Fer real. -- Genesis 16 8 He sed, "Where from, where to" "I is hiding frm Sarai." -- Genesis 16 9 Ceiling Cat sed, "yr her bukkit holder, go hold her bukkit." -- Genesis 16 10 "I'll make you get lots and lots of kittehs." -- Genesis 16 11 Ceiling Cat spokes-kitteh sais to her: -- Genesis 16 12 Kitteh will B crazy kitteh donkeh; -- Genesis 16 13 She sais to Ceiling Cat "Ishmael = hiz name", He sais "U seez me", she sais "U sees me I sees U" -- Genesis 16 14 Tis why teh water hole iz named Beer Lahi Roi, still der, always will be. -- Genesis 16 15 So Hagar (not Sammy) made Abram a son because of secks, Abram naimd kitteh Ishmael -- Genesis 16 16 Abram was really old when Hagar haz kittens. -- Genesis 16 1 Abram was 99 yr geezer, n Ceiling Cat sez 2 him: "I pwn everthing! lets be bff!1 -- Genesis 17 2 We can has speshul covenint n i do invisible magic so yous breed leik rabbit." -- Genesis 17 3 Abram rofl...well not lulz, but he rofl cuz Ceiling Cat is big important. n Ceiling Cat say, -- Genesis 17 4 "For my covenint I make you breed leik rabbit so that u father many nayshuns. -- Genesis 17 5 Ur domain name abram.com, is not good. I make u new URL...abraham.com. this have sumthin 2 do w how, did I mention, i make you breed leik rabbit! -- Genesis 17 6 I leik fruit, and I leik u! I leik teh rabbit, and teh nayshuns, o an kingz 2 so I will make ur descendants lot of kingz. -- Genesis 17 7 Since i do all this 4 yous, I be Ceiling Cat to u n pwn all yous 4eva. -- Genesis 17 8 i put u in Canaan, first we subdew natives so you can has it 4eva. OHai did I mention i be Ceiling Cat and pwn all yous?" -- Genesis 17 9 Then Ceiling Cat say, "An yous better keep ur part covenint, you n all ur kittehs and grandkittehs and so on. -- Genesis 17 10 N here it is FTW. Teh convenint u makes with me 4eva: All kitteh with dangly bit must cut off speshul skin. -- Genesis 17 11 Leik I said, all yous need do this cuz it meanz covenint. -- Genesis 17 12 All ur kitteh, grandkitteh et setera with teh dangly bit, u cut speshul skin when 8 days. Also if u buy kitteh on black market, u cut there dangly bit 2. -- Genesis 17 13 Leik I keep sayin cuz i iz so badass it all bear repeatin, u has 2 do this for covenint. -- Genesis 17 14 Any kitteh with teh dangly bit who not can has cut, i make him go far away, 4 he break teh covenint" -- Genesis 17 15 Ceiling Cat also say to Abraham, "Dood, ur wife's domain name, sarai.com, is not good. she can also has new URL, sarah.com -- Genesis 17 16 I make invisible Ceiling Cat magic on her an she give u tiny kitteh with dangly bits. Nayshuns and kingz will come out of her kittehs, cuz i lay my badass blessins on her." -- Genesis 17 17 Abraham rofl, an now he lulz to hisself an think, "O rly? Sarah and me is both geezurs, no can has kittehs." -- Genesis 17 18 An Abraham say to Ceiling Cat, "I has son already, Ishmael. He can has awesome Ceiling Cat blessin 2?" -- Genesis 17 19 An Ceiling Cat say, "Ya but Sarah has another kitteh soon, and his domain name isaac.com. With this kitteh I make my speshul covenint. -- Genesis 17 20 Ishmael, ya he gots invisible blessing too, n I make him breed leik rabbit too. -- Genesis 17 21 But I leik Isaac more, u meet him this year when Sarah plop him out. Isaac be my main homie with teh covenint cuz I m in ur base playin my favoritism." -- Genesis 17 22 Ceiling Cat say, "Kthxbai!" -- Genesis 17 23 So right awai Abraham take Ishmeal an everone else in his base with teh dangly bits, includin kittehs he bought on black market, n leik Ceiling Cat say he cut speshul skin. -- Genesis 17 24 When Abraham cut his dangly bits, he 99yrs. LOL, old. -- Genesis 17 25 His kitteh Ishmael 13 yrs. -- Genesis 17 26 Abraham and kitteh both make speshul cut to dangly bits same day. KODAK MOMENT. -- Genesis 17 27 n all teh others on his base 2. Everone with teh dangly bits go snippy snippy. -- Genesis 17 1 Noaw Abraham waz rlxn and Ceiling Cat waz liek "Oh Hai" -- Genesis 18 2 But wen Abraham waz 2 liek "Oh hai" ther waz 3 doodz and he waz leik "WTF" n he pwned hisself -- Genesis 18 3 He sed "D00d, Srsly, hang out -- Genesis 18 4 You can has water and rest -- Genesis 18 5 And you can haz cheezburgr." And 3 doodz sed "we can has!" -- Genesis 18 6 so Abraham went to Sarah and waz liek "Mek som cookehs!" -- Genesis 18 7 And he went to hiz moocowz and made teh best one teh ded 4 to eat -- Genesis 18 8 And he sed to 3 doodz "here, you can has" -- Genesis 18 9 N tehy wer liek "Wher ur woman?" And Abraham sed "ovar ther" -- Genesis 18 10 N sed "Srsly, when we com bak she gonna be teh preggers" Adn Sarah herd this -- Genesis 18 11 BTW: Abraham n Sarah wer teh OLD, Srsly, and Sarah waz to old 4 teh babyz. Titzorz at da bell-e buttin. -- Genesis 18 12 And Sarah LOLed and waz liek "WTF!? NO WAI! WE R TEH OLD!!11 LOL" -- Genesis 18 13 And TEH D00D sed 2 Abraham "WTF, Y she LOLed? -- Genesis 18 14 Nothin iz inposbell 4 Ceiling Cat, srsly, she gon be teh preggers!" -- Genesis 18 15 And Sarah waz liek "I no LOLed" Ann he waz liek "yea u did" -- Genesis 18 16 N teh 3 men were liek "Kthxbai" and Abraham went wit dem -- Genesis 18 17 Ceiling Cat sed "shud I tel Abraham wat I'm gon do, -- Genesis 18 18 Cuz he iz cool, and he iz gonna b grate nashun, and all nashuns r gonna has cheezburger cuz of him? -- Genesis 18 19 Cuz I choes him so he n his kittehs coud say liek 'Cieling Cat iz cool, srsly'" -- Genesis 18 20 So Ceiling Cat sed "Sodom n Gomorrah suxz0rz, liek, srsly" -- Genesis 18 21 "Im gonna chekc it out n see" -- Genesis 18 22 So the doodz went to Sodom, but Ceiling Cat waz stil wit Abraham, k? -- Genesis 18 23 Abraham waz liek "OMFG, u srsly gonna kill teh good ppl wit teh bad ppl!?" -- Genesis 18 24 "Wat if thers 50 good ppl? U stil gonna pwn it?" -- Genesis 18 25 "WEAK" -- Genesis 18 26 So Ceiling Cat waz liek "k if iz 50 ppl i wont pwn it" -- Genesis 18 27 N Abraham waz liek "OMG, i sux, but -- Genesis 18 28 wat if has 45 good ppl?" N Ceiling Cat sed "ill not pwn if has 45" -- Genesis 18 29 N Abraham was liek "wat bout 40???" an Ceiling Cat sed "i wont if has 40" -- Genesis 18 30 And Abraham sed "k, dont b mad or shred me, but wat if has 30?" and Ceiling Cat sed "i wont if has 30" -- Genesis 18 31 And Abraham sed "OMG, but wat if has 20?" and Ceiling Cat sed "i wont if has 20" -- Genesis 18 32 And Abraham sed "k, dont b mad, thsi is last tiem I promiz, but wat if has 10?" and Ceiling Cat sed "i wont if has 10. srsly" -- Genesis 18 33 And thei wer both liek "Kthxbai" -- Genesis 18 1 holey d00dz wit wngs cam 2 Kittijuana @ h4ppy hour ann Lot waz bummin outside teh citeh. Lot saw dem and waz all, Doodz, you are teh holey, and bowed down to eatz teh cheezburger. -- Genesis 19 2 Doodz, he saiz, plz crash on my couch, you can wash my kittehs feet and I will keck j00 out when I r woke. Lolz, teh doodz said, we iz gonna sleep together in teh middle of teh citeh. -- Genesis 19 3 Lot iz all doodz crash on my couch. He called up teh taco bell ann tey gave it to hiz kitteh. -- Genesis 19 4 All teh drunc doodz went to Lotz place. -- Genesis 19 5 Teh drunc guyz says to Lot, dood, letz bang teh guyz in j00r place. VISIBLE BUTTSEX! -- Genesis 19 6 Lot goez outside n close teh cat flap. -- Genesis 19 7 He sayz, oh snap, don't do tat! ewwwww -- Genesis 19 8 Lol U can hit my hot daughterz whu r virginz. Let me get em n we kan PENIS GOES WHERE? them. But don't do theze doodz, they iz in mah house. -- Genesis 19 9 Aw Hellz nah. We iz gonna hit j00r door an hav lemmon party. ur gonna get raped fisrt. -- Genesis 19 10 Teh doodz pulled Lot into teh howse. -- Genesis 19 11 Teh doodz MADE TEH MAGIK ANTI LITE! (is ok tho cuz kitteh can see in teh dark) -- Genesis 19 12 Tehn the two doodz waz all liek "GTFO man. and bring ur kitteh, -- Genesis 19 13 j00 cant hang out with uz be cuz we is goin' to PWN this place." -- Genesis 19 14 Lot sez to hiz daughters fiances (teh 1 s he wuz gonna let the hole town do PENIS GOES WHERE wif). "U better go cause Ceiling cat gonna pwn this" place but they thaught it wuz a TARP. -- Genesis 19 15 Teh Doodz sez GTFO with ur bitches or we pwn U 2. -- Genesis 19 16 Then Lot was al liek "OH NOES!" and teh doodz made him left with his wife an daughters (teh 1s they was gonna rape) and his cheezburger. -- Genesis 19 17 One ov teh doodz sez GTFO nd don't l00k back or RTFM. Go 2 the ceiling or we gonna pwn U. -- Genesis 19 18 N Lot was lik "DOOODz!!1!!1, -- Genesis 19 19 I not make to ceiling, I gots teh slow, U B 2 fast. -- Genesis 19 20 howse abouts the lettle town ovar thar? Pweese? cauze lettle town is lettle." (lettle toen be called Zoar wich iz funny bibbel naim 4 lettle) -- Genesis 19 21 Ceiling kat sez "K I not pwn lettle town -- Genesis 19 22 But I gives U teh fast cuz I be waitin fo yo call" -- Genesis 19 23 Lot still had teh slow n it took all dark to get to lettle town. -- Genesis 19 24 From teh hole in teh ceiling came bunches of teh sulfer and it wuz teh flame. -- Genesis 19 25 N thats how Ceiling Cat pwnd the land n teh fruitzors An vegbatels. It happen. -- Genesis 19 26 But Lotz wife did RTFM and now has a flavor, flavor iz salty. -- Genesis 19 27 Lot wake up next day (cause he not kitteh and can't see in dark) and went back to goatse land. -- Genesis 19 28 He RTFM and see lots of smokes n stuff -- Genesis 19 29 Ceiling cat memberd Abraham and didn't pwn A Lot. -- Genesis 19 30 Lot mooved to mountains cuz he scared of Zoar (and smelled like old fart) n lived in a kave. -- Genesis 19 31 Older dauter sez to younger dauter, "Old father is Old and I R in heat. -- Genesis 19 32 I get daddy drunk and do PENIS GOES WHERE?! So we can save our recessive genes." -- Genesis 19 33 That night they giv daddy winez and /b. Daddy drink winez to make imagez go away and older daughter do PENIS GOES WHERE?!. /b so bad daddy knot remember. -- Genesis 19 34 neXt day, older daughter say "I do buttsecKs wif daddy, now ur turn" -- Genesis 19 35 /b nasty again so Lot drinkZORS to stuporz and younger daughter doez PENIS GOES WHERE?! -- Genesis 19 36 Boaf gurlz get preggerz from daddy. -- Genesis 19 37 Older daughter plop out boy named Moab, He be Father of Moabates and Mother of all bombs (and smell like desert - recessives) -- Genesis 19 38 Lettle daughter plop out boy called Ben-(ken)Ammi who be father of (ken)Amminoites today n sing gud. -- Genesis 19 1 An Abraham went 2 teh south country, an chilld tween Kadesh and Shur, an askd "I can has bed?", and crashd in Gerar -- Genesis 20 2 An Abraham saiz "Dewd, my wief Sarah be iz my sistr," an Abimelech iz liek "Lol, thaz messd up" an takd Sarah -- Genesis 20 3 But Ceiling Cat comez to Abimelech while hez sleepn an saiz, "O hai, thaz not rite you liek takd a wief away, you be ded now" -- Genesis 20 4 But Abimelech iz liek, "My bad, Ceiling Cat, plz doez not eated me" -- Genesis 20 5 An Abimelech is all, "Abraham saiz he an his sistr be all liek "PENIS GOES WHERE?" an thaz not rite" -- Genesis 20 6 An Ceiling Cat is liek,"Ya thaz nasty ur rite -- Genesis 20 7 But givez back Abraham his sistr even tho thaz nasty 'cuz he bez knowin' teh futur n' stufs an if you doeznt I eated you, kthxbai" -- Genesis 20 8 Abimelech wakd up erly, an calld teh slavez, an hes liek, "Ceiling Cat saiz Abraham iz kewl, lez give back his wief," an teh slavez wuz skerd. -- Genesis 20 9 Den Abimelech calld Abraham, an he sai, "WTF! Y u brin invisible error an not cheezburgrz?" -- Genesis 20 10 An he sai, "Wut made u do dat?" -- Genesis 20 11 An Abraham sai, "cuz I thot, surely teh feer of Ceiling Cat iz not in dis place; an tehy will eated me 4 mah wiefz saek -- Genesis 20 12 An mah wief iz mah sistr but only mah half sistr, we doeznt gots teh same mommy, so NBD, k?" -- Genesis 20 13 And then latrz, after Ceiling Cat telled us to leef Ejip, so Abraham did sez "look, no tell other pplz we is marry. i no like teh commit no moar. instead you say you is mai sister, k?" And Sarah was all "k, wut can i do?" -- Genesis 20 14 And Abraham pwned Abimelech and tooked his sheeps, and moocows, and slaves for teh working, and his slaves for teh PENIS GOES WHERE?!, and was full of teh epic and win. -- Genesis 20 15 an Abimelech was all, you can has mai base." -- Genesis 20 16 He sez "Yo, I have giv ur burdder 1x103 silver cookehs (about 25lbs). we cool now? plz do not eated me, sowry." -- Genesis 20 17 And Abraham talked to Ceiling Cat and Ceiling Cat made Abimelech all betterz and tooked the diapramz from hiz wife n slave chix so PENIS GOES WERE?! wurked gud. -- Genesis 20 18 cause when all this started, he put in INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM. -- Genesis 20 1 An Ceiling Cat hangeded wif Sarah an wuz all liek, "O hai, j00 can get teh preggers now, kthxbai," -- Genesis 21 2 An she gaiv burf even tho she wuz all old an stuffz. -- Genesis 21 3 Abraham calleded his son Isaac, cuz that's joospeek for "he laffs." -- Genesis 21 4 An Abraham cut Isaac's penis tip cuz Ceiling Cat lieks to see dat kinda stuffz. -- Genesis 21 5 Abraham wuz hunderd yeers old at da time. -- Genesis 21 6 An Sarah sayed, "Ceiling Cat bringz teh LOLz!!1!1!!!eleventeen!!!1 -- Genesis 21 7 Whoda thunk it?? Im all old, but Ceiling Cat restorded ma ovaries." -- Genesis 21 8 An Isaac gru and stopped suxx0r on Sarah's tittee, so Abraham wuz all laik, "Let's partee an eatum da cheezburgrz!!1!" -- Genesis 21 9 An Sarah sawed Ishmael bein liek, "Nyah nyah!!" -- Genesis 21 10 So she told Abraham 2 tell Hagar the slavezor and her n00b son to GTFO, cuz she didn't want them to has no cheezburgrz. -- Genesis 21 11 Abraham sayed, "wtf?!?!? No cheezburgrz?" -- Genesis 21 12 But Ceiling Cat tolded him, "Don't wurry bout those n00bs. Do what Sarah tellz U, becuz they getz to has no cheezburgrz now. DO NOT WANT! Isaac gets thum all. DOES WANT! -- Genesis 21 13 Ishmael will getz cheezburgrz l8r when he becomes all h4xx0r n stuffz. srsly." -- Genesis 21 14 Abraham tooked sum cookize n waterz and putted it on Hagar's shoulderz and sended her off wif the boi. She was in ur deserts lookin for ur waterz. srsly, it was called Beersheba. -- Genesis 21 15 She no can find waters and put boi under a bush -- Genesis 21 16 and cry cause she dont wanna see boi get ded and dry up like prune -- Genesis 21 17 Kitteh hearz boi cry (sound like kitteh) and sez "sup Hagar? no be skered, Ceiling cat be hearin it too. -- Genesis 21 18 pls get him and he can has cheezburgerz cause he is h4xx0r now." -- Genesis 21 19 Kitteh make waterz (no not that kind, teh kind U can drink), so U CAN HAS waterz and not dry out and l00k like prune. srsly, it happen. -- Genesis 21 20 Ceiling cat was BFF and hung out wif teh boi. He lived in ur desert and has bow and arrow -- Genesis 21 21 Desert called Paran n mom gots him an egyptian bride (she walk like egyptian, prolly smell like 1 2). -- Genesis 21 22 Meanwiles Abimelech and Phicol teh commander of his forces sez to Abraham, "ur BFF with Ceiling cat K? -- Genesis 21 23 swear U not be like NO CAN HAS to me or anything wif my DNA, U be like CAN HAS cheezburgerz n cookiez n happy leik I dids to U." -- Genesis 21 24 Abraham sez "K BFF kthnx" -- Genesis 21 25 Abraham emo bout waterz Abimelech's servants had pwnd. -- Genesis 21 26 Abimelech sez "WHUT? WHENZ? HUH? WTF?" -- Genesis 21 27 Abraham getz sum sheepz an moocows n a cookie and they make treaty. -- Genesis 21 28 and getz 7 ewes (babi girl sheepz) -- Genesis 21 29 Abimelech sez WTF? sheepz, I no wanna HARBL GOES WHERE. -- Genesis 21 30 Abraham sez "sheepz mean I made hole 4 waterz ur doodz pwnd." -- Genesis 21 31 So nows that place called Beersheba cause those doodz sweared oath there (Beersheba iz funny bibbel naim 4 well ov 7 or well ov oath, we not rly shur). -- Genesis 21 32 then Abimelech and Phicol the commander uv forces returned 2 land of Philistines. -- Genesis 21 33 Abraham planted a tamarisk tree in Beersheba, n hung out wif Ceiling cat. -- Genesis 21 34 n he stayed in teh Philistines for a loooooooooong time. -- Genesis 21 1 Ceiling cat givd Abraham test so Abraham cud hav cheezburgrz. Ceiling cat sed "Oh hai Abraham. -- Genesis 22 2 Taek ur kitteh Isaac to whur I say an burn him inna mountainz. -- Genesis 22 3 So Abraham got up erly an tuk Isaac an 2 servnts, an cut teh wud 4 burning an went to mountainz. -- Genesis 22 4 On thrd day, he saw place to burn him. -- Genesis 22 5 He sed "Servnts, stay here wit donkey. We coem bak later k bai." -- Genesis 22 6 An he gaev wud to Isaac to curry an he tuk torch an knife. -- Genesis 22 7 An Isaac sed "K dad wher sheep?" -- Genesis 22 8 An Abraham sed "Ceiling cat will giv sheep." So they goed to place. -- Genesis 22 9 An Abraham bult altar an putted Isaac on it. -- Genesis 22 10 He gon stab Isaac Oh noez! -- Genesis 22 11 Ceiling Cat hazd a angel and teh angel wazd liekd "OH HAI ABRAHAM" and Abraham wazd liek "OH HAI" -- Genesis 22 12 And teh angel wazd liek "OH HAI, ABOUT TAHT KILLIN UR SON...J/K LOL!1 Ur win cheezburgrz 4evr" -- Genesis 22 13 And teh angel sed "We downgrazden youz 2 a RAM" An Abraham tukd ram an burnd it. -- Genesis 22 14 An Abraham sed dis place now cald "Ceiling Cat Gievs Cheezburgrz." -- Genesis 22 15 An Ceiling cat sed "OH HAI ABRAHAM" -- Genesis 22 16 An he sed "Abraham ur gud kitteh. U wud givd me ur kitteh. -- Genesis 22 17 So ur kitteh wil haev lots of kittehs, more than stars an sand, an kittehs will have bukket -- Genesis 22 18 an all kittehs can has cheezburgrz. Cuz u iz gud kitteh." -- Genesis 22 19 An Abraham went wit Isaac an servnts to Beer-sheba 4 long vacation. -- Genesis 22 20 An kittehs tuld Abraham "Ur bro Nahor an hiz wief Milcah haded kittehs!" -- Genesis 22 21 An Nahors kittehs wer Huz, Buz, an Kemuel. An Kemuel had kitteh cald Aram. -- Genesis 22 22 An Nahors moer kittehs wer Chesed, Hazo, Pildash, Jidlaph, and Bethuel. -- Genesis 22 23 An Bethuel had kitteh Rebekah. So Abraham haded many nephew kittehs! -- Genesis 22 24 An Nahors PENIS GOES WHERE?! kitteh Reumah had kittehs too! Had Tebah, Gaham, Thahash, an Maachah! WTFLOLBBQ lots of kittehs! -- Genesis 22 1 Sara lived 2 be 27-1 years old -- Genesis 23 2 at Kiriath Arba (that is, Hebron) in teh land ov Canaan, n Abraham went 2 mourn 4 her and 2 do tearz at her. -- Genesis 23 3 Abraham sed to Hittites, -- Genesis 23 4 "YO Gimmeh somez landz so I can burry my wife, I pays" -- Genesis 23 5 Hittites sez: -- Genesis 23 6 "U CAN HAS anything U wantz" -- Genesis 23 7 Abraham wetz pantz -- Genesis 23 8 and sez "yo, talk to Ephron son ov Zohar on my behalf -- Genesis 23 9 so he will sell me teh cave of Machpelah, which be hiz, I payz full price" -- Genesis 23 10 Ephron the Hittite was chillin wif hiz possie ans sez 2 Abraham real loud, -- Genesis 23 11 "No, sup; I gives yous the field, and I gives yous the cave that is in it. itz K, bury the meat, it smells" -- Genesis 23 12 Abraham haz mor wet for pantz -- Genesis 23 13 and sez "I pay moniez I rly du" -- Genesis 23 14 Ephron sed 2 Abraham: -- Genesis 23 15 (I can get 400 silver cookiez (about 10 lbs) 4 teh land butz sheese stinkin up, plant her!)" -- Genesis 23 16 Abraham giveh 400 silver cookies to Ephron (even tho he don't gotta) -- Genesis 23 17 So Ephron's field in Machpelah near Mamre—both teh field and the cave in it, and all the treez within the borders of the field—was deeded -- Genesis 23 18 2 Abraham in front of everybodi. -- Genesis 23 19 Laterz Abraham buried his wife Sarah in the cave in teh field of Machpelah near Mamre (which is at Hebron) in teh land of Canaan. -- Genesis 23 20 So teh field and cave were deeded to Abraham. -- Genesis 23 1 Abraham waz teh oldz en BFF wif Ceiling cat. -- Genesis 24 2 he waz teh head servent dood "puts yer paw unner my legz" (ewwwwww) -- Genesis 24 3 "I wantz U 2 swear by Ceiling cat, who maded teh skiez An da Urfs that I DO NOT WANT my son's wife 2 B Canaanite, where we be at. -- Genesis 24 4 but DO WANT wife from my landz and relatives 4 Issac." -- Genesis 24 5 Servant sez whut if she DO NOT WANT come here, Do I takes him there?" -- Genesis 24 6 Abraham sez "DO NOT WANT him there" -- Genesis 24 7 Ceiling cat BFF sez 'Issac do HARBOL GOES WHERE? first, then he can go der.' -- Genesis 24 8 If she DO NOT WANT come here, you KTHXBAI, no takes Issac. -- Genesis 24 9 Servent dood putz hand unner his legz (ewwwww) n made oath -- Genesis 24 10 Teh servent takez 10 camuels (leik moocows, but different) and did not eated them, and lotza swag. He goes from Aram Naharaim 2 Nahor. -- Genesis 24 11 He getz there when the gurlz are commin it fill BUCKETZ, he makes camuels neel near waterz hole -- Genesis 24 12 The he praz to Ceiling cat, "0 Ceiling Cat of Abraham, lemme find gurl to bring back for PEINIS GOES WHERE? -- Genesis 24 13 Checkit, l00k at the gurlz! -- Genesis 24 14 if she sez me and camuels CAN HAS BUCKETS, I bring her back." -- Genesis 24 15 as he wuz talkin to Ceiling cat, Rebekah (a gurl) comes out with BUCKET. she daughter ov Bethuel son ov Milcah (wife ov Abraham's brudder Nahor). -- Genesis 24 16 she never do PENIS GOES WHERE? and waz pretty, She fill BUCKET with waterz -- Genesis 24 17 He sez CAN HAS BUCKET? -- Genesis 24 18 she sez U CAN HAS MY BUCKET -- Genesis 24 19 She sez GIMMEH BUCKET so camuels CAN HAS BUCKET. -- Genesis 24 20 she sez now camules CAN HAS BUCKET. -- Genesis 24 21 He watched to see if Ceiling cat liked this 1. -- Genesis 24 22 when camuels were done with BUCKET, he gets out a nose ring and braceletz -- Genesis 24 23 and sez, letz go 2 ur dads palce. -- Genesis 24 24 She sez "dads Bethuel, grandpap Nahor, mom Milcah -- Genesis 24 25 YOU CAN HAS room at my place -- Genesis 24 26 He sez to Ceiling Cat -- Genesis 24 27 KTHZ dood, I'm goin to Abraham's DNA -- Genesis 24 28 She tellz mom n all, -- Genesis 24 29 and her brother Laban. -- Genesis 24 30 n he seez sis wif nose ring n bracletz n goez to meat him. -- Genesis 24 31 Laban sez "d00d!!!1!1! WTF you here 4? You BFF Ceiling cat, check out my crib." -- Genesis 24 32 So he goes to teh house. foodz was brought for camuels and they eated it, and they washed teh feetz in buckets. -- Genesis 24 33 the was delicios cakes but he not eated it, he sez "I do not want eated it until I tell u this" -- Genesis 24 34 He sez I workz for Abraham -- Genesis 24 35 and he BFF w/ Ceiling Cat and gots sheepz n moocows n silver n gold n servents n camuels n donkiez n shiny thingz and catnip n cheezburgrs n cookiez n lotsa udder stuff. -- Genesis 24 36 Sarah hiz wife plooped out a babie whem she waz leik old n stuff and the kid getz the loot. -- Genesis 24 37 n he tolded me to get the kid a wife not from teh Canaanites where he B at but from hiz DNA. -- Genesis 24 39 I axed "whut if she DO NOT WANT come here?" -- Genesis 24 40 He sez Ceiling cat be workin on it, it'll work trust me K? srsly, -- Genesis 24 41 If it don't wurk, just GTFO. KTHXBAI. -- Genesis 24 42 I wus talkin to Ceiling cat when I was in ur waterz sayin "pweese make it wurk, -- Genesis 24 43 n if I axe a gurl for her bucket, -- Genesis 24 44 n she says U CAN HAS MY BUCKET and ur camuels CAN HAS MY BUCKET too" I'll call it gud. -- Genesis 24 45 I wasnt done talkin to Ceiling cat when I sees Rebeka an sez "CAN I HAS UR BUCKET?" -- Genesis 24 46 n she sez U CAN HAS MAI BUCKET and ur camuels too. -- Genesis 24 47 I axed her who she wuz -- Genesis 24 50 Laban and Bethuel sez "This be Ceiling cat business, we outta this, -- Genesis 24 51 you CAN HAS gurl, so ur master's son can do PENIS GOES WHERE on her. Leik Ceiling Cat sez" -- Genesis 24 52 when he hearz that he bowed to Ceiling Cat -- Genesis 24 53 and got gold n silver shiny things n clothes n gave them to the gurl, he also dumped buckets of swag on her brudder n mom -- Genesis 24 54 then they eated delicious cake and drinked and sleeped. -- Genesis 24 55 Bro n mom sed, "Woah d00d, we needs 10 dayz, then U can GTFO." -- Genesis 24 56 he sez "WTF? Ceiling cat may get pissed" -- Genesis 24 57 they say "letz axe the gurl" -- Genesis 24 58 They axe n she sez KBAI -- Genesis 24 59 so they tell her to GTFO long wif her nurse and the guise -- Genesis 24 60 n they blessed Rebeka n sed: -- Genesis 24 61 So Rebeka n her maidz got on the camuels n GTFO -- Genesis 24 62 Issac come from Beer Lahai Roi, cause he wus livin in Negev. -- Genesis 24 63 He goes walkies one night n seez camuels a commin -- Genesis 24 64 Rebeka sees Issac n gets off camuel -- Genesis 24 65 n sez "who dat who be a commin 2 meat us?" -- Genesis 24 66 Then he telled the story to Issac -- Genesis 24 67 n he bringed he into his mom's tent n married her, and did PENIS GOES WHERE? and was comforted after his mother's death. -- Genesis 24 1 Abrabam getz nuther wife 4 PENIS GOES WHERE? name Keturah -- Genesis 25 2 Seh ploop out Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian, Ishbak and Shuah. -- Genesis 25 3 Jokshan maek Sheba and Dedan, Dendan maek Asshurites, the Letushites and the Leummites. -- Genesis 25 4 Midian maek Ephah, Epher, Hanoch, Abida and Eldaah. Keturah maek all ov dem. -- Genesis 25 5 Abraham gived all his cookiez n cheezburgerz to Issac. -- Genesis 25 6 But when he was leik not ded yet, he sended some cookiez n cheezburgerz east the bois who he maek wif PENIS GOES WHERE wif udder gurlz. -- Genesis 25 7 Abraham gotted ded when he waz 175 yearz old (must be kitteh yearz). -- Genesis 25 8 When he was deded, tehy tooked him out for walkies. -- Genesis 25 9 Isaac and Ishmael putted him inna cave of Machpelah near Mamre -- Genesis 25 10 taht he bougted from the Hittites (see Genesis_23#2) an wuz putted in wit hiz ded wife Sarah. -- Genesis 25 11 After Abraham get deded, Ceiling cat gived Isaac Ceheezburgerz n stuff when he was at Beer Lahai Roi. -- Genesis 25 12 We be talkin bout Abraham's boi Ishmael taht Hagar who walk leik Egiptian ploop out when she wus workin 4 Sarah. -- Genesis 25 13 Ishmael maek Nebaioth, Kedar, Adbeel, Mibsam, -- Genesis 25 14 Mishma, Dumah, Massa, -- Genesis 25 15 Hadad, Tema, Jetur, Naphish and Kedemah. In taht order, srsly. -- Genesis 25 16 tehy was teh 12 tribal rulerz of der settulmentz and campz. -- Genesis 25 17 Ishmael got ded when he wuz 137 yearz old (kitteh yearz again). When he was all ded tehy tooked him out 4 walkies. -- Genesis 25 18 All the peepulz he maded lived from Havilah 2 Shur, nearz Egypt and tehy DID NOT leik each udder. -- Genesis 25 19 Now we talkin bout Isaac K?. -- Genesis 25 20 Isaac lived in hiz dad Abraham's basement, so he not marry Rebeka Genesis_24#15 till he wus 40 yearz old, srsly. -- Genesis 25 21 Isaac wuz talkin to Ceiling Cat cause Rebeka HAS A INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM, Ceiling cat removed INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM n sed leik "has some fertility drugz" and she eated them. -- Genesis 25 22 She feeled a party in herz tummy and sez to Ceiling Cat "WTF?" -- Genesis 25 23 Ceiling Cat sez -- Genesis 25 24 She ploop out 2 boyz -- Genesis 25 25 1st one come out red n furry tehy named hims Esau (which is funny bibel nam 4 furry). -- Genesis 25 26 neXt 1 come out holdin onto 1st one foots (he musta comes out backwards) so theys names him Jacob (which is funny bibel nam 4 grabbs heelz or deceiver). Isaac wus 60 when dey ploop out. -- Genesis 25 27 Teh boyz growed up n Esau wuz leet sklld mouser (he finded mouses to eated everywhar n liked to go outside). Jacob wuz scairdy cat stayin inside on teh windowsill. -- Genesis 25 28 Dad leiked Esau cause he eated lots of mouses, but mom leiked Jacob. -- Genesis 25 29 Jacob wuz cooking up some red cookiez n Esau came back from looking 4 mouses -- Genesis 25 30 n sed "Gimmeh sum delicious red cookiez, cauze I no can find mouses and I so humgry I could die." -- Genesis 25 31 Jacob sez "YOU CAN NOT HAS COOKIEZ, but givh me ur inheritance and YOU CAN HAS DELICIOUS COOKIEZ n CAKES." -- Genesis 25 32 Esau sez, "I humgry bad, K" -- Genesis 25 33 Buy Jacob sez "swear first delicious cookiz later", Esau sez "KTHX". -- Genesis 25 34 So Esau swear n CAN HAS DELICIOUS COOKIZ, n go NOM NOM NOM -- Genesis 25 1 Now there wus no foods an mices to eated in the land so Isaac meats Abimelech top cat of the Philistines in Gerar. -- Genesis 26 2 Ceiling Cat sez to Isaac U can not goes to Egypt, U live wheres I tells U 2 live -- Genesis 26 3 Stay here an U CAN HAS CHEEZBURGRZ n COOKIEZ n CAKES. Laterz I gives U all these landz -- Genesis 26 4 U n ur kitteh can has all this landz an CHEEZBURGERZ too -- Genesis 26 5 cause ur dad Abraham dids whats I tolded him to -- Genesis 26 6 So Isaac stayed in Gerar. -- Genesis 26 7 Sum d00dz livin there axed him bout hiz wife Rebeka, n he sed "She mai sister" cause she so buteamus n l00k leik Natalie Portman covered in hot grits he wuz afraid they eated him and make him teh ded. -- Genesis 26 8 After a loooong time, Abimelech king of the Philistines saw Isaac strkin Rebeka's hairbol -- Genesis 26 9 Abimelech sez "d00d1!!1!!, WTF? ur sister? ewwwww thats nasty", Isaac say "I say my sister cause i do not want to be teh ded". n Abimelech thought Deja-vous genesis_20#2 -- Genesis 26 10 n Abimelech sez "d00d!1! whut if 1 of my guys did PENIS GOES WHERE on hers, thats leik INVISIBLE ERROR" -- Genesis 26 11 an he continud "Any my n00bs touch her gets teh ded" -- Genesis 26 12 Isaac growd lots of fruitzors An vegbatels an cheezburgerz n they was many cause Ceiling Cat leiked him. -- Genesis 26 13 He gots rich -- Genesis 26 14 He gots real rich n teh Philistines got pissed -- Genesis 26 15 so teh Philistines were leik "I'n in ur waterz pluggin up ur holez. -- Genesis 26 16 So Abimelech sez 2 Isaac, "GTFO ur gots teh powerz" -- Genesis 26 17 Isaac goed to teh Valley of Gerar. -- Genesis 26 18 he was leik I'm in mai holez unpluggin mai waterz taht teh Philistines plugged up n got waterz. -- Genesis 26 19 they even gots waterz from holes tehy maded in teh valley -- Genesis 26 20 But d00dz from Gerar sed "theys our waterz, U no can has", so he call it Esek -- Genesis 26 21 nother hole but Gerar sez "U no can has", he calls that 1 Sitnah -- Genesis 26 22 yet nother hole, but no 1 sez "no can has" so he call it Rehoboth (leik beach but hole) n sed "Ceiling cat sez I CAN HAS waters n landz n we happy" -- Genesis 26 23 He goes to Beersheba -- Genesis 26 24 Ceiling Cat sez Yo 'member me? I wus wif ur dad Abraham, don't be scairded, I gives U cheezburgerz n cakes n stuff, n U gets moar kitteh" -- Genesis 26 25 Isaac builded a cat tree and callded Ceiling Cat n maded a hole for waterz near where he putted hiz tent -- Genesis 26 26 Abimelech comed from Gerar, wif Ahuzzath hiz adviser n Phicol army type d00d. -- Genesis 26 27 Isaac sez "WTF U here 4? U tells me to GTFO?" -- Genesis 26 28 They sez, "d00d, U got Ceiling Cat on ur side, letz be BFF n prove it wif a treaty. -- Genesis 26 29 I no eated you and you no eated us K? cause U HAS CHEEZBURGERZ" -- Genesis 26 30 Isaac maded Cheezburgerz n cookies n foods and they eated them -- Genesis 26 31 tehn dey sweard oath and Isaac sed "GTFO". -- Genesis 26 32 laterz on same day, Isaac's d00dz dig waterz hole and findz FREE BEERZ!!1!!! They sez "l00k, wees founded the creative commons" -- Genesis 26 33 so he callz it Shibah, n teh town be Beersheba. -- Genesis 26 34 An when Esau wuz frty he wuz all "I can has marry" an he marieed Judith doter of Beeri (no drink!) an Basemath deh doter of Elon. -- Genesis 26 35 An Issac an Rebekah sez, "DO NO WANT!" -- Genesis 26 1 Isaac gotted olded n blinded he sez YO Esau, Easu sez "sup?" -- Genesis 27 2 Isaac sez "gonna ded soon -- Genesis 27 3 Gimmeh sum delicious cakez n mouses from outside" -- Genesis 27 4 soes I CAN HAS sum delicious cakez so U CAN HAS cheezburgerz in B 4 ded" -- Genesis 27 5 Rebeka wuz leik watchin him speak soes after Esau goez out to the sandwormz, -- Genesis 27 6 she sez 2 Jacob "I wuz watchin daddy sey to Esau, n he sed -- Genesis 27 7 'Gimmeh sun delicious cakez n I giveh U cheezburgerz wif Ceiling cat watchin.' -- Genesis 27 8 so do dis: -- Genesis 27 9 Gimmeh 2 goatse, n I makes delicious cakez outta dem. -- Genesis 27 10 n give 2 daddi n say U CAN HAS DELICIOUS CAKEZ so he giveh U cheezburgerz n be in before ban (ded). -- Genesis 27 11 Jacob sez to mom, "Esau is a furfag n I not are furfag -- Genesis 27 12 Dad may feels my no furz, then he would cockmongle me." -- Genesis 27 13 Mom sez "I'll take teh cockmongle 4 U, trust me KTHNXBAI" -- Genesis 27 14 so he getz 2 goatse an givem to mom n she maek delicious cake. -- Genesis 27 15 n she crossdress Isaac in Essau clotheses -- Genesis 27 16 n stapled goatse skinz on Issac's handz n neck -- Genesis 27 17 den she gived him delicious cakez n cookiez she maided. -- Genesis 27 18 Isaac wented to daddie n sez Yo -- Genesis 27 19 Jacob sed "I R Esau, 1st ploop U CAN HAS MY DELICIOUS CAKEZ n COOKIEZ, CAN I HAS CHEEZBURGER?" -- Genesis 27 20 Isaac sez "Damn, that wuz fast, where use find it?", Jacob sez "I gots it from Ceiling Cat" -- Genesis 27 21 Isaac sed "comeh, lemmie touch U so i know if U R furfag Esau" -- Genesis 27 22 Jacob let daddi touch him n daddi sed "U sound leik Jacob but ur bikini area feels liek Esau. -- Genesis 27 23 He did not recognize hims cuse bikini areas feelz same n furry, so I can gived U cheezburgerz. -- Genesis 27 24 "R U rly Esau?" he sed -- Genesis 27 25 "Gimmeh somez delicious cakez n cookiez n i gives U cheezburgerz" -- Genesis 27 27 Jacob does visible kiss with Isaac, when Isaac smellz Jacob he sez: -- Genesis 27 28 "Ceiling cat gonna maek U wet -- Genesis 27 29 landz will serve U -- Genesis 27 30 as Jacob wus leavin, Esau wuz cummin. -- Genesis 27 31 n sed here be some delicious cake maid from mouse, U CAN HAS MY MOUSES" -- Genesis 27 32 Isaac sez; "WTF? WRU? we did this B4", Esau sez "I B ME" -- Genesis 27 33 Isaac sed "WTF? I yust gave cheezburgerz to the last bastard who wuz here, ur AFU" -- Genesis 27 34 Esau sed "WTF!!1!!1!!! gimmeh cheezburgerz too OMFG, BOHICA" -- Genesis 27 35 Isaac sez "sry d00d, ur SOL" -- Genesis 27 36 Esau sed "yo, U named him Jacob (Bibul speak 4 he decieves) He bited me 2 timez, he tooked mai Inhertance n now he eated my cheezburger, you do no has cheezburger 4 me?" -- Genesis 27 37 Isaac sez, "sorry, ur SOL" -- Genesis 27 38 Esau goes "WTF? CAN I HAS CHEEZBURGER?" n doos tearz. -- Genesis 27 39 Isaac sez; -- Genesis 27 40 ur gonna br ready 4 brawl -- Genesis 27 41 Esau wuz pissed, he sez "Imma go columbine on Jacob ASAP" -- Genesis 27 42 when mom herd this she tolded Jacob "Esau wantz to pwn U -- Genesis 27 43 so GTFO to Laban in Haran -- Genesis 27 44 hang out 4 awhile -- Genesis 27 45 I'll tells U when itz cool -- Genesis 27 46 Rebecka sed "I DO NOT LIKE hittite woamenz, if Jacob does PENIS GOES WHERE? wif a hittite, I be a hero" -- Genesis 27 1 Isaac gived Jacob much cheezburgerz n sed "U no do PENIS GOES WHERE? wif Canaanite woman -- Genesis 28 2 GTFO 2 Paddan Aram where U grandpop livez, n marry 1 uv ur cousinz" -- Genesis 28 3 Ceiling cat maek shur she no has INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM so she meak a hole town o kidz. -- Genesis 28 4 Ceiling cat will giv U all cheeszburgerz n landz 2." -- Genesis 28 5 Isaac sez "GTFO KTHXBAI" -- Genesis 28 6 Esau wuz sittin in the ceiling n herded this -- Genesis 28 7 n watched Jacob GTFO -- Genesis 28 8 n knowed hiz dad haited Canaanites -- Genesis 28 9 so he married 1 (he just puted her in hiz harem wit hiz udder wives) -- Genesis 28 10 Jacob GTFO Beersheba n goed to Haran -- Genesis 28 11 he stopped whun it got darkiez n sleeped on a rock -- Genesis 28 12 he had-ed a dream; he saw teh stairway to heaven n there wuz lotz of kitteh on it -- Genesis 28 13 n up top lookin out from a hole in teh ceiling wuz Ceiling Cat he sez "I R Ceiling Cat, Watchin U Dreamz. U CAN HAS the land wheres U be sleepin" -- Genesis 28 14 Ur DNA gonna be leik radioactive fallout, Ur gonna be everywhar, n U all CAN HAS CHEEZBURGERZ" -- Genesis 28 15 I R Ceiling Cat, Watchin U wander n I maek sure U dont get losted." -- Genesis 28 16 When he waked up he all like "OMG!1!! Ceiling cat be here! -- Genesis 28 17 This place be stairway to heaven, where Zeppelin be at?" -- Genesis 28 18 neXt mornin he putted oilz on the rock he wuz sleepin on -- Genesis 28 19 he callded that place Bethel (but is wuz already calleded Luz). -- Genesis 28 20 then he sez "If Ceiling cat giveh me cheezburgez then -- Genesis 28 21 n getz me back home, I'll belive in hims. -- Genesis 28 22 n I'll maek a cat box on this rock n U can has 0.1 cash back. -- Genesis 28 1 Jacob wuz walkin easty -- Genesis 29 2 n he sawded a waterz hole wif 3 bunchez of sheepz nearz it. wuz a big rock onna hole. -- Genesis 29 3 teh peepuls do move rock so sheepz CAN HAS waterz n tehn puts rock back. -- Genesis 29 4 Jacob sez "whar U B from?" -- Genesis 29 5 He sez "U no Laban, Nahor's grandson" -- Genesis 29 6 He sez "He K?" -- Genesis 29 7 He sez "sheeps CAN HAS waterz" -- Genesis 29 8 tehy sez "sheepz NO CAN HAS waters, need moar sheepz" -- Genesis 29 9 Rachel shows up wif sheepz -- Genesis 29 10 Jacob mooved rock on hole n Rachel's sheepz CAN HAS waterz. -- Genesis 29 11 tehn he kissy her n cry -- Genesis 29 12 He tolded her he wuz her cousin, so she run n tell daddy. -- Genesis 29 13 When daddy (Laban) herd whut happen, he run out n kissy him n bringz him home -- Genesis 29 14 tehn Laban say "UR my 1st cousin!" -- Genesis 29 15 Laban sez "I wants to pays U2 workz, how much U want?" -- Genesis 29 16 now Laban haz 2 daughterz, old 1 Leah, n young 1 Rachel. -- Genesis 29 17 Leah eyez point different directionz but Rachel pretty n she stacked -- Genesis 29 18 Jacob sez "I wurk 7 yearz then I CAN HAS Rachel?, cause I got teh loves 4 her" -- Genesis 29 19 Laban sez "K, hang out here srsly". -- Genesis 29 20 So Jacob hung out 7 yearz 4 Rachel. -- Genesis 29 21 Jacob sez "K, GIMMEH Rachel I wanna do PENIS GOES WHERE on hers" -- Genesis 29 22 So Laban has feast with sheepz, n moocowz n cookiez n stuff -- Genesis 29 23 when it get dark he bring out Leah to Jacob n he did PENIS GOES WHERE? on her" -- Genesis 29 24 n Laban gave servant gurl Zilpah to her as maidservent -- Genesis 29 25 When it gets light in teh morning, Leah!1!!1!! Jacob sez to Laban "WTF? where B Rachel" -- Genesis 29 26 Laban sez "U CAN HAS old 1 first, -- Genesis 29 27 then after U do PENIS GOES WHERE with her for a week, tehn U CAN HAS old 1, gonna cost nuther 7 yearz tho. -- Genesis 29 28 Jacob did PENIS GOES WHERE wif Leah 4 a week, tehn he got Rachel -- Genesis 29 29 Rachel got Bilhah, servent girl from daddy -- Genesis 29 30 Jacob does PENIS GOES WHERE to Rachel n he even loved this 1, n he worked nother 7 years. -- Genesis 29 31 When Ceiling cat seed Leah NOT CAN HAS love, he remove invisible diaphram n put in Rachel. -- Genesis 29 32 Leah getted preggerz n ploop out boy Ruben n sed "Ceiling cat see me sad, now Jacob luv me 2" (boy later go on to maek samwichz, rly, srsly) -- Genesis 29 33 She ploop out another calld Simeon n sez "Ceiling cat be in my ceiling, helpin me get luv" -- Genesis 29 34 She ploop out nother 1 called Levi n sed "now heeze gonna rly luv me, I ploop out 3" -- Genesis 29 35 She ploop out yet another called Judah n sed "TNX Ceiling cat no moar plz hurtz, KTHNX" -- Genesis 29 1 Rachel has INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM n sez Jacob "Gimmeh babies or I go ded". -- Genesis 30 2 Jacob sez "I no can see INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM, WTF?" -- Genesis 30 3 She sez "do PENIS GOES WHERE on Bilhah, my GF K?" -- Genesis 30 4 Jacob sez "YES!1!! and did PENIS GOES WHERE in Bilhah" -- Genesis 30 5 Bilhah ploop out kid. -- Genesis 30 6 Rachel sez "TNX Ceiling cat" n name kid Dan -- Genesis 30 7 Bilah ploop out another -- Genesis 30 8 Rachel sez "I WIN", n call hims Naphtali, but Jacob just be smilin -- Genesis 30 9 when Leah got INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM, she gived her GF Zilpah to Jacob" -- Genesis 30 10 Jacob say "OH YEA!!1! n do PENIS GOES WHERE? n Zilpah ploop out boy" -- Genesis 30 11 Leah name him Gad. -- Genesis 30 12 Jacob find viagra n do PENIS GOES WHERE again on Zilpah n she ploop out another. -- Genesis 30 13 Leah CAN HAS happy n call kid Asher. -- Genesis 30 14 When Reuben wuz harvestin wheat he find cookiez, He gived teh delicious cookiez to hiz mom Leah, Rachel sez "CAN I HAS delicious cookiez?" -- Genesis 30 15 Leah sez "YOU CAN NO HAS my cookiez as I can no do PENIS GOES WHERE? with Jacob" -- Genesis 30 16 Jacob cums home, n Leah sez "I DO WANT PENIS GOES WHERE?, I paid 4U with delicious cookiez". Jacob did PENIS GOES WHERE? -- Genesis 30 17 Ceiling cat wuz watchin from hiz hole n removed INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM, so Leah gots teh preggerz. -- Genesis 30 18 Leah sez "Ceiling cat iz happy when I gives Jacob my GF Zilpah" so when she ploop out boy, she names him Issachar. -- Genesis 30 19 Leah ploop out another -- Genesis 30 20 Leah sez "Ceiling cat gived me nother kid, Jacob gonna leik me now, I names kid Zebulun" -- Genesis 30 21 Later she ploop out gurl called Dinah -- Genesis 30 22 Ceiling cat take out Rachel's INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM -- Genesis 30 23 She ploop out boy n say "TNX Ceiling cat" -- Genesis 30 24 She calls him Joseph n sez "I can has another?" -- Genesis 30 25 After Rachep ploop out Jeseph, Jacob sez "I wanna go home" to Laban. -- Genesis 30 26 I CAN HAS wifes n kids so I can GTFO. -- Genesis 30 27 Laban sez "pls stay, Ceiling cat leik U. -- Genesis 30 28 I pay you not 2 GTFO". -- Genesis 30 29 Jacob sez "I wurked hard", -- Genesis 30 30 I maded you moar animulez n Ceiling cat gived U cheezburgerz, now it's my turn. -- Genesis 30 31 "Whut U want?" he ask. -- Genesis 30 34 "K sez Laban" -- Genesis 30 35 So Jacob CAN HAS all polkadotted n dark sheepz n goatz n giveh thems to hiz sons. -- Genesis 30 36 Then he go 3 dayz away n still watch Laban's sheepz" -- Genesis 30 37 He maek stripey wood by peelin barks off branchez, -- Genesis 30 38 He putted stripey wood ovar waterz so when sheepz see stripeys when they do -- Genesis 30 39 PENIS GOES WHERE? n all teh babeis came out stripey. -- Genesis 30 40 he tooked all the stripeyz. -- Genesis 30 41 He did this 4 teh strong animules -- Genesis 30 42 n not 4 the weak animulez, so Jacob CAN HAS all the stong 1s -- Genesis 30 43 Jacob got teh rich n CAN HAS large flockz n servents n sheeps n donkies n camulels. -- Genesis 30 1 So den Jacob herd Labans' boyz sayin "D00d, you R teh suk, rippin off all hiz cheeseburgers an stuf. Lame." -- Genesis 31 2 An Jacob lookeded at Laban an saw he wuz sum pissed. -- Genesis 31 3 so den Ceiling Cat sez "D00d, run away run away! Git bak wif yer fambly an I meechu there soon, kbai." -- Genesis 31 4 Jacob called hiz wimmin, sayin "YO!! -- Genesis 31 5 Yer dad leik totally iz hatin on me, srsly! Ceiling Cat lurves me, but yer dad is awl Rawr Rawr Rawr. -- Genesis 31 6 I wuz rly kewl witchor dad, tho, membr? -- Genesis 31 7 but now he is teh suk! Hrdcor! Totally ripped me off! Tuk my bling! -- Genesis 31 8 Laban wood say, 'Ohes, U can has all teh spottsy moos', knowin all moos was stripey, or 'Noes, u can has all teh stripey moos', and all the moos wuz spottsy. Taht's WEAK. -- Genesis 31 9 So den Ceiling Cat tookeded AWL his moos and gives em 2 me. -- Genesis 31 10 But teh bestestet part is taht wen the moos did PENIS GOES WHERE?!, all dem moos wuz spottsy and stripey. I mean, I dreameded taht part, but it's joost leik it's troo." -- Genesis 31 11 "an den dis 1 time, I wuz dreamin taht teh Ceiling Cat yelled at me, sayin "D00d!" an I wuz all leik "WUT??" -- Genesis 31 12 an teh Ceiling Cat says 'D00d, check it! awl dem moos is spottsy and stripey, caws I haz totally seen wut taht hatr did 2 u. -- Genesis 31 13 so now uz gotz to make liek a tree an leave.' -- Genesis 31 14 an Jacobs' wimmin (Rachel an Leah, member? KK, jus chekin) wuz liek, 'D00d, wut aboot us? Were's our bling? -- Genesis 31 15 Our dad srsly disowned us, episode of Jerry Springer, an spended awl teh lewt -- Genesis 31 16 So evertin Ceiling Cat tookeded is totally ours now, findrs keeprs, no gives backs." -- Genesis 31 17 So den Jacob gets hiz fambly on camels -- Genesis 31 18 an takes awl teh lewt -- Genesis 31 19 an Rachel had nicked her dads lewt too, jus caws. -- Genesis 31 20 an Jacob took off liek a ninja -- Genesis 31 21 wit awl hiz stufs goin to Gilead. -- Genesis 31 22 it wuz liek 3 daiz b4 Laban wuz told -- Genesis 31 23 an wen he fund out, he an hiz posse cot up wit Jacob. -- Genesis 31 24 But taht nite Ceiling Cat sez to Laban, 'D00d, DO NOT WANT u 2 talk 2 Jacob. Not nothin. Kthbai.' -- Genesis 31 25 An Laban wen an parked his Winnebago rite besidez Jacobs', takin awl teh good shade an everytin. -- Genesis 31 26 Laban sez 2 Jacob, "Yo! WTF? -- Genesis 31 27 Y u run, Dawg? We coulda hadda pawty! -- Genesis 31 28 U wont let me see mi kidz! -- Genesis 31 29 I cood totally lai teh smackdown on U, srsly - but ur Ceiling Cat sez to me, D00d, stay way frm Jacob, no talkie talkie. -- Genesis 31 30 AN!! u stole awl my l00t! So, liek I sez - WTF?" -- Genesis 31 31 Jacob sed, "Oh I wuz SOOOOOO scared! -- Genesis 31 32 but u look, an if u find ur lewt, go hed an kill taht stealer." -- Genesis 31 33 So Laban wen an totally serched everwere, in Jacob's tent an Leah's tent an teh servant's tent. -- Genesis 31 34 but Rachel wuz 1 sneaky dame, an hid teh lewt an sat on it. -- Genesis 31 35 an wen Laban showed up, she wuz all, "D00d, iz Taht Time of Teh Month, piss off." -- Genesis 31 36 an then Jacob got mad, sayin "C?? WTF is ur problm? y u chase me? U R L4mz0r! -- Genesis 31 37 U rifled thru awl my stufs, an foun nada! -- Genesis 31 38 I bin wif u fer 20 yeers! -- Genesis 31 39 I nver ripped u off! -- Genesis 31 40 I wuz sufferin teh hole time! Nver complain! Give give give, taht's all I do! -- Genesis 31 41 I servd 14 yeers fer teh grrls, an then 6 yeers fer teh moos - an u fuxxed wit my paychek 10 times! -- Genesis 31 42 An TAHT iz y Ceiling Cat dun gotz hiz nite vision goggles on u!" -- Genesis 31 43 An den Laban backs down, not near so tuff az he thot he wuz. -- Genesis 31 44 An Laban sez to Jacob, "Otay, lets make nice." -- Genesis 31 45 Jacob gotz a stone an putz it jus so. -- Genesis 31 46 an den he sez, "ever bodi getz stonez!" (jus liek taht Bob Dylan song, cept Bob wasn' singin then.) an they putted all teh stonez togethr. -- Genesis 31 47 Laban calld it Jegarsahadutha (pth pth, liek hevin cat hare in ur mouf), but Jacob cuden say taht wurd, so he calld it Galeed. -- Genesis 31 48 An Laban sed 'Theese stonez is a witniss between uz,' (so knot jus heep uv stonez, hoo new?) -- Genesis 31 49 Taht Ceiling Cat wuz watchin ovr us -- Genesis 31 50 but if U treet my dotters bad, LOOK OUT! an no moar wives.' An Jacob wuz liek, 'one iz bad, two iz wurse, DO NOT WANT moar.' -- Genesis 31 51 Laban sez "C theese rox? -- Genesis 31 52 U stai on ur side an I stai on my side, KK?' -- Genesis 31 53 so Jacob swore (not notty wurds, but liek promis) he wood stai on hiz side. -- Genesis 31 54 An Jacob gotz gud grub and ever body go Nom Nom Nom -- Genesis 31 55 In teh mornin, Laban kissie hiz dotters bye bye an wen bak were he come from. Gud riddans. -- Genesis 31 1 Jacob GTFO an kitteh meat hims. -- Genesis 32 2 When Jacob sawed thems he sez "I found Ceiling Cats litterboz!1!!", so he calleded that where he was at Mahanaim (n he no can has steamroller). -- Genesis 32 3 Jacob sended sum buds ahead to meat hiz brudder Essau in Seir country of Edom. -- Genesis 32 4 he sez "Tell him I wuz wit Laban, -- Genesis 32 5 n I gots donkies n moocows n sheepz n goatz n serventz n cookiez n stuff. I tellin U this so U leik me." -- Genesis 32 6 when hiz budz come back they sez "Yo, Hees a commin wit leik 400 d00ds" -- Genesis 32 7 Jacob wet hiz pantz n split hiz peoplez n stuff into 2 groups (even teh animules n stuffs). -- Genesis 32 8 He thinkz "If Essau n hiz GI Joes eated 1 group, the udder may not be eated". -- Genesis 32 9 Tehn Jacob prayed "O Ceiling Cat dadda 'O Abraham n Isaac, O Ceiling Cat you tolded me to GTFO to my relatives n I will maek U rich n lotsa PENIS GOES WHERE?. -- Genesis 32 10 TNX, but I don't deserve it, I just has a few d00ds when I leaved, but now I has 2 groups. -- Genesis 32 11 Pweese don't let Essau eated me an teh wimmens n childrenz. -- Genesis 32 12 Cause U sed 'I be makin U rich n lotsa kidlets'" -- Genesis 32 13 He sleeped there, maded a gift for hiz brudder Essau: -- Genesis 32 14 200 gurl goatz w/ 20 boy goatz, 200 gurl sheepz w/ 20 boy sheepz -- Genesis 32 15 30 gurl camules w/ babiez, 40 gurl moocows w/ 10 boy moos, 20 grul donkiez n 10 boi donkiez. -- Genesis 32 16 He gived the to hiz d00ds n sed "U go ferst, n spreadem out. -- Genesis 32 17 He tolded the 1st d00d, "Whun U sees Essau n he sez WTF?, -- Genesis 32 18 U say Jacob giveh U dis, he be in teh back" -- Genesis 32 19 He tolded all the udder d00ds to sey the same thing. -- Genesis 32 20 and tolded them to sey "Jacob be commin behind us", he wuz hopin Essau would not run out of happy and eated him. -- Genesis 32 21 So teh gifts went away n Jacob stayed home. -- Genesis 32 22 when it gots darks, he tookd hiz 2 wifes n 2 maidserventz n 11 boyz n crossed ovar the ford o Jabbok (girl wuz on her own). -- Genesis 32 23 After theys was ovar, he sended all his base n stuff -- Genesis 32 24 So he wus alone n fighted wif a cat, -- Genesis 32 25 when the cat saw he could not win he eated Jacob's hip. -- Genesis 32 26 the teh Cat sed "Lemme go, it be light" -- Genesis 32 27 Then teh Cat sez "WRU?" -- Genesis 32 28 the Cat sez "U no longer Jacob but I names U Israel cause U wins in fights wif Ceiling Cat and peeplez n ovarcome. -- Genesis 32 29 Jacob sez "WRU?" -- Genesis 32 30 So Jacob calleded the palce Peniel cause he sed "I saw Ceiling Cat but he did not eated me". -- Genesis 32 31 he wus gimpin whun he pass Peniel 'cause hiz hip was eated. -- Genesis 32 32 That's why Israelites no can eated teh tendon stuck to teh socket o teh hip, cause Ceiling Cat eated Jacob's hip nearz the tendon. -- Genesis 32 1 Looken up Jacob seen Esau cumin, wif four hunnud menz. He splizs up his kittehz tween Leah, Rachel n teh maidz, -- Genesis 33 2 putten da maidz n dere kittehs fust cuz dey meanz leezt 2 him; Leah n her kittehz nexzt cuz she be a legal wif but he don luv herz, n Rachel n Joseph last cuz he really likes doin PENIS GOES WHERE? with her and when he seez Joseph he rememberz dat. -- Genesis 33 3 Jacob goez ahead and bendz down to the ground 7x tho u shld bend ur nees when u pick up stuff else ur back goez out, but dey din no dat den, lolz! till he wuz neer his brudder. -- Genesis 33 4 Esau runz to greetz Jacob. He hugzes himz and kissez him and dey criez BOO HOO HOO like dey like each other or sumpthin. -- Genesis 33 6 Da maidz n dere kittehs come up and smelled Esau's butt, -- Genesis 33 7 n den Leah n her kittehs cum up and smelled Esau's butt, and den Rachel n Joseph cum up and smell Esau's butt. -- Genesis 33 8 N he (Esau I guess) sez "What j00 mean by paradin ur mamacats n kittehs by me?" He (Jacob?) sez "To smell ur butt lolz!" -- Genesis 33 9 Esau dez "WhatEVER I have nuff mamacatz n kittehs n bling n cheezburgerz, don need urs." -- Genesis 33 10 But Jacob is such a brown-noser he sez "PLEEZ if u do me dis favur n take it cuz lookin at ur face is like lookin at Ceiling Cat cuz you both hairy n red lolz, n u didn eated uz.= -- Genesis 33 11 Take my pressie, cuz I broughtz it 2 u all dis way on a camel, n Ceiling Cat likez me n I have lotz of cheezburgerz." N when he urged him, he tooks it. -- Genesis 33 12 N [Esau] sez "k lets go nao, I'll go wit u" -- Genesis 33 13 But he said 2 him "liar u no the kittehs are weak n da sheeples n goatse r nursin babeez, can no force dem 2 go fast or dey diez! -- Genesis 33 14 U go 1st n I'll catch up 2 u in Seir, k?" -- Genesis 33 15 Esau sez "U can has menz dat r wif me" but he said (guess it wuz Jacob sayin dis) "O noez!!11!1one!1! u r 2 nicens" -- Genesis 33 16 So Esau goez back to his base in Seir -- Genesis 33 17 But Jacob iz a lier lolz cuz he goez to Succoth n buildz crib 4 him n his cattlez n cattlez have stalls n dat why dey callz it Succoth cuz that means "booths" n Hebrewz jive lolz -- Genesis 33 18 Den Jacob gets to da burg Shechem in da land o' Canaan -- he gots here from Paddan-aram -- n he is campin dere. -- Genesis 33 19 He can has land he campen on cuz he boughteded it from Hamor's kittehs, Hamor is Shechem's kitty-daddy, for 100 kesitahs (n nobody knowz what a kesitah is no mo so we don no if he gotz good price r not lolz) -- Genesis 33 20 He setz up altar dere n callz it EL-elohe-yisrael dat mean "Ceiling Cat uf Israel." -- Genesis 33 1 K so Dinah wuz kitty-girl Leah plooped out 4 Jacob, n she has go to hang wit chix of da land. -- Genesis 34 2 Shechem kitteh-boy uf Hamor the Hivite, who run da place, he seez her n taked her n did PENIS GO WHERE? wit her n it wuz like date rape maybe. -- Genesis 34 3 N cuz he thinx shez all hawt n stuff n even thinx he luvs her he sweet-talked her. -- Genesis 34 4 So Shechem sez 2 his daddy-cat, "Yo, I wantz 2 marrie her NAO!" -- Genesis 34 5 N Jacob hears that dis goyim cat did PENIS GO WHERE wit Dinah; but keeps his mouf shut till his boy-cats cum home. -- Genesis 34 6 Then Shechem's daddy Hamor cum 2 Jacob to rap wit him. -- Genesis 34 7 Jacob's boy-kittehs hearded whassup n cum in frum field all o.O n >:O n OMG WTF!!!11!111one!!!111eleventyteen!!!! cuz dis goyim did PENIS GO WHERE wit Dinah, n dat gainst da Izralee's roolz. -- Genesis 34 8 N Hamor sez 2 dem he sez "Mah boy-kitteh Shechem wanna PENIS GO WHERE? with ur girl-cat plz let him marrie her so I don' have to hear him chokin' his chicken ya no? -- Genesis 34 9 N u can marriez our girl-kittehz n gifz ur girl-kittehs 2 us: -- Genesis 34 10 U can has cribz in our hoodz, n land 2; u can ownz stuffs here. -- Genesis 34 11 N Shechem sez to Dinahz daddy-kitteh n bruthaz, "Help a guy out, i pay nething u sez. -- Genesis 34 12 Srsly, asks me 4 all mah cheezburgerz n bling n stuff, n i will gif u it cuz I wanna PENIS GO WHERE? to her she's that good n da sack. Jus let me marrie her k? -- Genesis 34 13 Jacob's boy-kittehs r such liers cuz Shamach raped deir sisty-kitty, -- Genesis 34 14 so dey lie n say "Well u needz 2 cuts off da end uf ur peepee cuz we don let our kitteh-girls marries men who don't whack off der foreskinz that's like EW GROSS! -- Genesis 34 15 But if n u do cut off ur 4skin we'll say k u one uf us see but all of ur d00dz too not just u -- Genesis 34 16 Den we gif our girl-kittehs 2 u n take ur girl-kittehs from u like dey property k n we cum liv in ur hood n we all be bloods ya. -- Genesis 34 17 But if n u 2 chicken 2 cut off ur 4skin den we go kthxbai n leavez n take Dinah wit us cuz u b 2 lamer n 2 n00b 2 marrie her. -- Genesis 34 18 K so Hamor was all "Yeah!" and Hamor's son, Shechem, was all "Yeah!" -- Genesis 34 19 So the kitteh-boy whips out a sharp rock or sumthin n whacks off his 4skin right there YEOWTCH cuz he wanted Jacob's kitteh-girl she musta been sum kinda Superfreak or sumthin lolz! -- Genesis 34 20 N Hamor n Shechem went to the sports bar n rapped wit der homies, n sayz -- Genesis 34 21 "D00dz those peepz be our frenz so let 'em cum in don't build no fenz don't snitch 2 la migra nuff romm here 4 evvybody n u can marry dere kitty-girlies n give ur kitty-girlies 2 dem. -- Genesis 34 22 "But yeah derez catch: u haf 2 cut off ur 4skin cuz dey weird liek dat. -- Genesis 34 23 "But dey gotz bling n cheezburgerz n all dat can be ours but only if we cut off our 4skins will dey cum lif in our hood, k, so drink up cuz it's gonna HURT lolz!" -- Genesis 34 24 So all dems did whut Hamor n Shechem sez, n all go cut dere 4skins off OUTCH! -- Genesis 34 25 K so 3 daze later dey still hurtin n Simeon n Levi, 2 uf Jacob's boy-kittehs, bruthas uf Dinah, sharpenz der claws n goes to da hood n pwns all da men. -- Genesis 34 26 N dey pwnz Hamor n his kitteh-boy Shechem, took Dinah out uf Shechem's crib n went kthxbai. -- Genesis 34 27 Jacob's other kitteh-boiz cum on all da pwned peepz n takes stuff cuz dey pissed that Shechem did PENSI GO WHERE? wit Dinah but did anyone ask Dinah what she thought? NOOOOOO! -- Genesis 34 28 Dey taked goatse n sheeples n moocowz n asses (thought dey pwned all da d00dz HA HA HA no, dey meanz DONKEEEZ!) n all dat stuff in da hood n outside, -- Genesis 34 29 n dey taked all de bling n all the kittehs n all da mamacatz n furnitcher n stuff, EVERYTHING, GET IT???! jeez U dumb k where wuz I everytink n evvybuddy was tookened as prisonush n booty. -- Genesis 34 30 Jacob sez 2 Simeon n Levi "Now U dun it we in trubble nao n the Canaanites n da Perizzites be hatin on us n I don have lotsa d00dz, n if dey declare war on uz we will be pwned, all of uz! -- Genesis 34 31 But the boy kittehs said "Should r sisty-kitty be treated liek a ho?" -- Genesis 34 1 Ceiling Cat sez 2 Jacob "Get up n get up, goez 2 Bethel and stay! Staaaay! n buildz cathouse 2 da Ceiling Cat whut u seened when u wuz runnin skairt frum ur brudder Esau." -- Genesis 35 2 So Jacob sez 2 his fambly n all his peeps, "Get rid o dem alien kittehs n take a baf, n change ur threadz. -- Genesis 35 3 "We'z goin 2 Bethel n I will build cathouse dere to da Ceiling Cat whut answered me when I wuz skairt n stalks me wherever I goez." -- Genesis 35 4 Jacobz fambly n peeps gives up all dem fake kittehz like Morris n Tony da Tiger n Garfield n all da earringz n Jacob digz big hoel near Shechem n buriez it like kitteh buryen p00p in sandbox. -- Genesis 35 5 As dey went Ceiling Cat hissed and yowled and waved his big scary claws at da peeps all round so dey didn't chase Jacob's boy-kittehs. -- Genesis 35 6 N Jacob went 2 Luz, not lulz, but Bethel, in da sandbox uf Canaan, he n all da peeps wit him. -- Genesis 35 7 He buildeded a cathouse n named da place El-Bethel, cuz it wuz dere Ceiling Cat revealed Himself to him when he run skairt frum his brudder. -- Genesis 35 8 Deborah, Rebekah's nurse-kitteh, got pwned by bein old, n dey burreed her under an oak beeloo Bethel; so it wuz named Allon-bacuth dat means 'oak of da weeping." -- Genesis 35 9 Ceiling Cat say Oh Hai to Jacob again when he gotz dere from Paddan-aram n says U CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER. -- Genesis 35 10 Celing Cat sez 2 him, "Yo, Jacob, Get rid o' dat handle cuz now u b Israel, d00d!" So he name be Israel. -- Genesis 35 11 n Ceiling Cat sez to him "I am Ceiling Cat Do PENIS GO WHERE? n ploop babee kittehs A nation -- no! The United Nationz lolz shall be ur kittehs Bigshots shall cum out of ur DNA -- Genesis 35 12 Da sandbox I gif 2 Abraham n Isaac I make urs n 2 ur babee kittehs will I make it derez 2." -- Genesis 35 13 Ceiling Cat left him dere -- Genesis 35 14 n Jacob setz up pillar dere, a pillar uf rock n he offered Ceiling Cat cream n poured oil on it. -- Genesis 35 15 Jacob gave dis site where Ceiling Cat spokened 2 him da name Bethel. -- Genesis 35 16 K so dey leaves Bethel: but Rachel was preggerz n when dey were still way from Ephrath, she started ploopin out kitteh, n OMG IT HURT!!11!11! -- Genesis 35 17 N when it hurtz wurst midwife sez "O hai anudder boy kitteh 4 u don be skairt!" -- Genesis 35 18 But the labor pwned her, n when she had deth rattle she called da baby boy kitteh Ben-oni, but her Jacob called him Benjamin. -- Genesis 35 19 Den she wuz pwned. She gotz burrieed on da road 2 Ephrath whut dey now callz Bethlehem. -- Genesis 35 20 Over her grave Jacob puts nuther stone pillar n itz still dere. -- Genesis 35 21 Israel leevz her dere n goez on 2 Migdal-eder. -- Genesis 35 22 N while Israel's dere boy-kitteh Reuben goez and does PENIS GO WHERE? with Bilhah, Izzy's girlfriend on da side, n Izzy found out. K now Jacob can has 12 boy-kittehs. -- Genesis 35 23 Da sons uf Leah: Reuben -- Jacob's first kitteh -- Simon, Levi, Judah, Issachar n Zebulun. -- Genesis 35 24 Da sonz uf Rachel: Joseph n Benjamin. -- Genesis 35 25 Da sonz uf Bilhah, Rachel's maid: Dan n Naphtali. -- Genesis 35 26 And da sonz uf Zilpah, Leah's mad: Gad n Asher. K don' 4get dese r Jacob's sons born in Paddam-aram. -- Genesis 35 27 N Jacob came 2 his daddy Isaac at Mamre, at Kiriath-arba -- now Hebron -- where Abraham n Isaac had a crib. -- Genesis 35 28 Isaac wuz like 180 -- Genesis 35 29 when he got pwned. He wuz burreed by his sons Esau n Jacob. -- Genesis 35 1 Esau had lotz uf kittehz -- Genesis 36 2 n dey hadz kittehs -- Genesis 36 3 n dey has kittehz -- Genesis 36 4 U no 1 unneutered cat can has 486,000 babez in 7 years! -- Genesis 36 5 n dats all u neez 2 no lol -- Genesis 36 1 An Jacob livd in place calld Canaan wher no1 noo hiz famlyz An no1 carez if he wuz n00b. -- Genesis 37 2 This iz story ov Jacob. Iz rly story of joseph but teh 1th ppl who rited teh bibel rited it down rong. mus b cuz ov teh funny alfabetz. Joseph wuz 17 yrz old kidz An 1 dai he An his bros wuz givin cookies 2 teh sheeplz. An Joseph wuz brown nose An told hiz old man all teh wikkid stuffs dey did like raedin wikkidpedia An masturbatin An smokin weedz An stealin pplz stufz An stuf. -- Genesis 37 3 Now Israel whos rael naim wuz jacob liekd Joseph mor than all his othr kidz, cuz he wuz old man wehn joseph wuz bornd so he wuz like grandson wich iz mor fun: An he made him sum badass pimp cloths an some totally 1337 kickz An wud of gaev him a totally trickd out gangsta ride but carz wuznt nventd yet. -- Genesis 37 4 An when his bros saw taht Jacob liekd Joseph mor than ne ov dem, dey hatez him An getz all pissed off An stuf An getz all up in hiz face An sed rly r00d mean ingorent thingz 2 him. -- Genesis 37 5 An Joseph cud haz wierd drem, An he told his bros wich wuz rly stoopid n00b thing 2 do but he didz it newai: An they hatez him alot mor An getz even mor pissed off An stuf.. -- Genesis 37 6 An he sed 2 them lissen up d00dz, I can haz wierd drem liek htis: -- Genesis 37 7 we wuz in ur field harvestin ur weetz cuz it wuz farmrz dai off (cuz dey maded untied farmwrkrz union dammit), An all ur weetz wuz blong 2 my weetz. -- Genesis 37 8 An his bros sed 2 him, wtf u ben smokin? u think u b king or sumthin? u thinkz u iz bosscat of us? An they hatez him evn mor cuz ov his drems An wot he sed 2 dem. -- Genesis 37 9 An he cud haz nothr wierd drem An told his bros yo d00dz, I haz a nothr wierd drem, An chek dis out, teh sun An teh moon An teh eleven stars r blong 2 me. -- Genesis 37 10 An he told it 2 his old man, An 2 his bros: An his old man got all up in his face An sez wot u ben smokin An y u haz wierd dremz? iz me An ur momcat An all ur bros r blong 2 u? -- Genesis 37 11 An his bros wuz rly jelus of him; but his old man rmembrd wot he sed. -- Genesis 37 12 An his bros went 2 Shechem 2 getz mor cookiez 4 teh sheepz. -- Genesis 37 13 An Israel whos rael naim wuz jacob sed 2 Joseph, did ur bros gon 2 Shechem 2 getz cookies 4 teh sheepz? i wantz u 2 goez An mek shur deyz alrite. An he sed k. -- Genesis 37 14 An he sed 2 him, Go find out if ur bros An teh sheeplz iz alrite; An com bax An tellz me. So he sed k, gon 2 shechem, brb. -- Genesis 37 15 An he gotz losted (fuxxing mapquest!!!!1!!) An sum d00d finded him An axt him, wut u lookin 4? -- Genesis 37 16 An he sed i iz lookin 4 my bros who iz gon 2 getz cookies 4 teh sheeplz. -- Genesis 37 17 An teh d00d sed, dey r gon An dey sed letz goez 2 Dothan cuz dey has betr cookies tehre. An Joseph sed kthxbai An finded his bros in Dothan. -- Genesis 37 18 An wen dey seez him An he wuz stil on teh roadz long wais awai lookin 4 dem, they deciedd 2 pwnz him. -- Genesis 37 19 An they sed look d00dz, teh kid wot can haz teh wierd dremz iz comin. -- Genesis 37 20 so letz us pwnz him, An trhow him in2 sum pit, An we will say sum evil aminal like crocodiel or lion or lolrus eated him: An 2 hell with hiz drems lol. -- Genesis 37 21 An Reuben hurdz dem, An he sed dont pwnz him cuz u will loses pointz. -- Genesis 37 22 so dont pwnz him, jus trhow him into sum pit way out in teh booniez, An dont hurtz him. cuz Reubn kind of liekd joseph An wuz sort of brown nose 2 An thot he mite taekz him bak 2 his old man wen no1 wuz lookin but he didnt tellz tehm taht.. -- Genesis 37 23 An so when Joseph finded his bros, dey took awai hiz totally badass cloths, An his totally 1337 kickz 2. but dey cudnt taek hiz pimp ridez cuz carz wuznt inventd yet. -- Genesis 37 24 An they trhowd him in2 a pit An tehr wuznt eny waterz in it. no cheezburgrz or cookies either. -- Genesis 37 25 An it wuz tiem 4 lunch so dey sitz down An eatz cheezburgrz An cookies: An they saw a crew ov Ishmeelites form Gilead goin 2 egypt with lotz ov camels An all kindz ov rly gud herbz An weedz An othr rly gud stufz taht wuz liek catnipz 4 ppl An wuznt illegalz yet cuz Ceiling Cat didnt mek ne lawz yet but taht wuz ok cuz he wuz gonna maek alot of lawz l8r in exodus An leviticus An numb3rs An d00teromony. -- Genesis 37 26 An Judah sed i can has good idea: we no pwnz him, we can sellz him and has a money. -- Genesis 37 27 we dosent has to pwnz him if we can sellz him. An his bros sed k. -- Genesis 37 28 Then dey met sum Midianitez; An they takez Joseph out ov teh pit, An sellz him 2 tehm 4 20 moneyz: An dey takez Joseph 2 Egypt. -- Genesis 37 29 An l8r Reuben cam bak 2 teh pit; An seez taht Joseph wuz gon; An he tore up his cloths cuz dats wot peepz did wen dey wuz liek all sad An emo An stufz bak in teh dai. -- Genesis 37 30 An he sez 2 his bros, josepf iz gon, wtf r we gonna do now? -- Genesis 37 31 An they took Josephs totally badass cloths, An killz 1 ov teh goats An puts teh blood all ovr teh badass pimp cloths An letz teh othr goatz eatz teh totally 1337 kickz; -- Genesis 37 32 An they brought teh cloths 2 ther old man An sed, we founded htese totaly badass cloths. r htey joseph cloths or not.. -- Genesis 37 33 An he knew it, An sed, iz my sons cloths; sum evil aminal eated him liek he wuz cookie; Joseph is 4 shur torn up in litel peeces. srsly. -- Genesis 37 34 An Jacob tor up his cloths, An put on sackcloth taht wuz rly scratchy, An wuz all sad An emo 4 raely long tiem. -- Genesis 37 35 An all his wiefs An kidz trys 2 maekz him feelz mor betr but wuz no workin An he sed i iz gonna b all sad An emo til i diez. so he kept on bein all sad An emo An stufz. -- Genesis 37 36 An in egypt teh Midianites sold joseph 2 sum d00d naimd Potiphar, who wuz Pharaohs captain ov teh guard wich iz sorta liek teh cheef of poleesez. -- Genesis 37 1 Tehn Judah lefted hiz brotherz and wented to stai wif one of Adullam's d00ds, Hirah. -- Genesis 38 2 Judah meeted Shua there. Her daddi wuz a Canaanite. They wuz married n HARBLZ WENT WHERE? -- Genesis 38 3 She gotted pregnant and nameded her kitten Er. -- Genesis 38 4 N she hadded a secnd kitten n nameded him Onan. -- Genesis 38 5 N a third kitten Shelah. He wuz bornd at Kezib. -- Genesis 38 6 Judah wuz liek "I gots wife for u Er, her name iz Tamar." -- Genesis 38 7 But Ceiling Cat was watching Er be badz! so Ceiling Cat killded him. -- Genesis 38 8 Then Judah wuz liek "OK Onan, u know WHERE HARBLZ GO wif ur brother's wife. Its ur job now to make kittenz for ur brother." -- Genesis 38 9 But Onan knew that the kittenz would not be hiz (bcz thatz how Jewish law workt LOL) so he wuz all "DO NOT WANT" n Ceiling Cat watched him masturbate. -- Genesis 38 10 Ceiling Cat didnt likez that neithr. So Ceiling Cat killded him too. -- Genesis 38 11 Then Judah was liek "Tamar, live liek a widow in ur father's house until mai son Shelah grows up." See Judah thought Shelah would die liek hiz brotherz. Tamar was liek "OK." -- Genesis 38 12 So aftr a long tiem Judah's wife died. She wuz Shua's daughtr remembr. Aniwai when Judah felt bettr he wented to Timna wif hiz frend Hirah teh Adullamite to shear hiz sheepz. The sheepz wuznt Hirah's, they wuz Judah's. -- Genesis 38 13 When Tamar finded out Judah wuz coming -- Genesis 38 14 she taked off her black clothes n putted on a veil for a disguise. Then she sitted down at teh entrance to Enaim. That iz on teh way to Timnah OK? This wuz bcz Shelah wuz grown up now but he hadnt married her. -- Genesis 38 15 Judah seed her and wuz liek "OMG hookr!" bcz her face wuz covered. -- Genesis 38 16 N he wuz all liek "Hey babi." Tamar wuz liek "How much?" -- Genesis 38 17 "A babi goat," sez Judah. "OK but until I getz it?" sez Tamar. -- Genesis 38 18 "Liek what duz u wantz?" sez Judah. -- Genesis 38 19 "Ur seal n itz cord n ur staff," said Tamar. So he gived them to her and HARBLZ WENT WHERE? n she gotted pregnant. -- Genesis 38 20 Then she left and taked off her disguise and putted her black clothes back on. -- Genesis 38 21 So Judah's friend Hirah tried to take her teh goat, but he didn't finded her. -- Genesis 38 22 He askded evribodi "Where iz that hookr?" but they were all liek "No hookr here!" -- Genesis 38 23 So he wented back and tolded Judah "I didn't finded her n eniwai teh menz wuz all liek 'No hookr here.'" -- Genesis 38 24 Then Judah was like "Well she can haz my stuffz or evribody will be liek LOL. I tried and sended her teh goat but you couldn't finded her." -- Genesis 38 25 Three months aftr that some d00d told Judah, "Tamar iz a hookr n she iz pregnant." Judah wuz liek "Bring her out n burn her!" -- Genesis 38 26 When they did she sended Judah a message. "Teh man who ownz these stuffz iz teh one who gotted me pregnantz," she said. "U see this befor?" -- Genesis 38 27 Judah was liek "OMG LOL she winz! bcz I wouldn't let her marry mai son Shelah." There wuz no more harblez betwin Judah and Tamar aftr that. -- Genesis 38 28 She hadded twins. -- Genesis 38 29 When tehy wuz bein bornz one of tehm putted out hiz paw, n teh midwife putted a red thread on it n said "U wuz first." -- Genesis 38 30 But then he pullded hiz paw back n hiz brother comed out. Teh midwife was liek "So this is how you has brokened out!" and they nameded him Perez. -- Genesis 38 31 N then hiz brother, who hadded teh red thread on his paw, comed out n they nameded him Zerah. -- Genesis 38 1 An ne way teh ishmeelite d00dz taekz Joseph 2 Egypt; An taht egyptian d00d Potiphar who wuz pharos cheef ov poleesez buyed him An gaev tehm alot of moneyz. -- Genesis 39 2 An Ceiling Cat wuz takin care ov Joseph, An he can has lotz ov moneyz An got to liv in potiphars base An eatz cheezburgrz An cookies An sleep on nice comfortabuhlz bedz An laptops An stuffs. -- Genesis 39 3 An potiphar saw taht Ceiling Cat rly liekd joseph An evrything he did workd out gud cuz Ceiling Cat rly liekd him. -- Genesis 39 4 An potiphar seez taht Joseph wuz rly gud d00d An rly gud bizness d00d 2 An he maded him bosscat of his base An letz him taekz care ov all his cheezburgrz An cookies An puterz An moneyz An stufs. -- Genesis 39 5 An after all taht, Ceiling Cat blessd potiphars base An his farmz An all his stufs cuz he liekd joseph. -- Genesis 39 6 An potiphar letz Joseph be bosscat ov his base An all hiz stuffs An he wuz liek rly rich d00d wif acountentz so he didnt haz 2 pay atenshun 2 how much moneyz An stufs taht blongz 2 him, xcept teh cheezburgrz An cookiez taht he eated. An Joseph wuz rly gud d00d An he wuz teh cute 2. -- Genesis 39 7 An potipharz wief seez taht Joseph wuz teh cute An she sed we can haz sexxs? -- Genesis 39 8 But he sed no wai, he maded me bosscat ov his base; -- Genesis 39 9 An i can haz all his stufs but i no can has sexxs wif u cuz u r his wief: An iz rly wikkid bad evil thing An u must be raedin wikkidpedia An Ceiling Cat wil b totaly pissed off if i haz sexxs wif u. -- Genesis 39 10 An she wuz buggin Joseph evry dai 2 haz secks wif her but he wudnt do it even tho he wuz n00b An didnt kno about “PENIS GOES WHERE?” but he thot he mite liek 2 find out sum dai. -- Genesis 39 11 An 1 dai Joseph went 2 werkz in potiphars base An no menz wuz tehr. -- Genesis 39 12 An she grabz hold ov his cloths An he runz awai rly fast but she didnt letz go of his cloths so he left dem tehre An ran wai nekid An she got all pissed off An emo An stuffz. -- Genesis 39 13 An when she saw taht he ran awai nekid, -- Genesis 39 14 she IMd all teh minz An dey caem bak to teh base An she sed 2 tehm see, dis Hebr00 d00d iz liek messin wif us; he wantd to haz sexxs wif me but I sed DO NOT WANT!!!!11! -- Genesis 39 15 An when i sed DO NOT WANT!!1!!!1! he got skeerd An ran awai An left his cloths here. -- Genesis 39 16 An she kept his cloths til potiphar cam bak 2 his base. -- Genesis 39 17 An she sed teh Hebrew d00d came in here An wantd 2 has sexxs wif me: -- Genesis 39 18 An when i sed DO NOT WANT!!!!!!! he left his cloths here An ran awai nekid. but she didnt tellz him she thot joseph wuz teh cute An he wuz rly totaly teh cute when he wuz all nekid An stuffz An she rly wantd to has sexxs wif him An she wuz bein wikkid evil bitch An tryin to getz him in trubl cuz she wuz all pissed off An stuff. -- Genesis 39 19 An when potiphar hurd wot his wikkid evil bitch wief sed, taht joseph tryz 2 do wikkid evil stuff 2 her, he bleev her An got all pissed off An stufs. -- Genesis 39 20 An he takez him An puts him into teh dunjun wif all teh wikkid evil ppl An teh othr peepz taht teh king didnt liekz An he wuz ther in teh dunjun. (duh.) -- Genesis 39 21 But Ceiling Cat wuz takin care ov Joseph An teh bosscat of teh prison liekd him cuz he wuz gud d00d An didnt mek ne trubl. -- Genesis 39 22 An teh bosscat of teh prison maded joseph bosscat ov all teh prisoners An he told dem all 2 be gud An not mek trubl An dey sed k cuz if dey didnt maekz trubl dey cud haz gud fudz liek cheezburgrz An cookies An stufz insted ov just breds An waterz An teh guardz wudnt beetz dem up An stuf. -- Genesis 39 23 An teh bosscat of teh prison didnt haz to wry about teh dunjon ne mor; cuz Ceiling Cat wuz takin care ov joseph, An wot evr he did, Ceiling Cat wuz all kewl wif it. -- Genesis 39 1 An l8r pharos butler An his baker had pissed him off. -- Genesis 40 2 An liek i just sed, pharo wuz all pissed off An stuf at teh butler An teh baker. (teh baker d00d didnt maded gud cookies An stuffz. I dono wut teh butler d00d did, mai b he axidently spilt sumthin on pharo or letz teh dor shut in pharos face or sumthin liek taht. ne wai pharo wuz liek all pissed off An stufz.) -- Genesis 40 3 An he put them in teh prison wher Joseph wuz bosscat ov teh prisonerz. -- Genesis 40 4 An teh captain ov teh guard sed joseph iz bosscat ov u, lissen 2 him An dont maek trubl An he took care ov tehm An didnt letz any ov teh prisoners tryz to has buttsecks wif dem An they stays tehre 4 long tiemz. -- Genesis 40 5 An 1 nite teh butler d00d An teh bakr d00d bof had wierd dremz An teh butler d00d dremd about grapez An wien An teh baker d00d dremd about cookiez. -- Genesis 40 6 An in teh mornin Joseph saw taht dey wer all sad An stuff cuz of teh wierd dremz. -- Genesis 40 7 An he axt tehm y r u all sad An stuf 2dai? -- Genesis 40 8 An dey sed we can haz wierd dremz An we dont undrstanz dem An no 1 can tellz us wtf dey meanz. An Joseph sed Ceiling Cat knos wot dey meanz. tell me wot wuz dey about An i wil axt Ceiling Cat. -- Genesis 40 9 An teh butler d00d sed, In my drem i saw a grapez vine; -- Genesis 40 10 An it had 3 branchz An sudenly it had grapez An stuf: -- Genesis 40 11 An I took teh grapes An maded wien An gaev it 2 pharo An pharo rly liekd it alot. -- Genesis 40 12 An Joseph sed Ceiling Cat sez: teh 3 branchz r 3 daze: -- Genesis 40 13 An in 3 dais pharo wil say iz ok i liekz u again An he wil letz u out ov teh prison An u wil be hiz butler again. -- Genesis 40 14 But dont 4getz 2 do sumthin 4 me, pls tell Pharaoh about me so he wil letz me out ov teh prison cuz it rly suxx 2 b in here: -- Genesis 40 15 An cuz sum wikkid evil mean d00dz kidnapd me form teh land ov teh Hebrews An i didnt do ne wikkid evil stuf but dey puts me in teh dunjun ne wai. -- Genesis 40 16 When teh baker d00d hurd taht teh butler d00dz drem wuz gud, he sed i wuz in my drem 2 An I wuz carryin 3 bukkits on my hed: -- Genesis 40 17 An in teh top bukkit tehre wuz all kindz ov rly gud cookiez 4 pharo but he sed DO NOT WANT!!!!!!!!!! An he chopd of my hed An hung me on a tree An teh burds eated teh cookies out ov teh bukkitz. -- Genesis 40 18 An Joseph sed Ceiling Cat sez: teh 3 bukkitz r 3 daze: -- Genesis 40 19 An in 3 dais pharo wil chopz of ur hed An hang u on a tree An teh burds wil eatz u up An stuf liek u was cookies. -- Genesis 40 20 An teh 3th dai wuz pharos burfdai An he can haz huge party 4 all hiz peepz, wif cheezburgrz An cookies An cakez An icecreemz An stuffz. An he took teh butler d00d and teh baker d00d out ov teh dunjun An brot dem to teh partyz 4 all his peepz 2 see. -- Genesis 40 21 An he sed to teh butler d00d, iz ok, i liekz u again, so u can be my butler again; An teh butler d00d sed k thx An gaev pharo sum wien: -- Genesis 40 22 But he sed to teh baker d00d i dont liek u cuz u maded bad cookies An DO NOT WANT!!!!1!!!!1!: so he chopz off teh baker d00ds hed An hung him on a tree An teh burds eated him liek he wuz cookies, just liek Joseph sed. -- Genesis 40 23 but teh butler d00d wuz so xited he 4got 2 tellz pharo about Joseph. -- Genesis 40 1 An aftr 2 years pharo can has wierd dremz An he dremd he stood by teh rivr. -- Genesis 41 2 An 7 fat moocowz cam up out ov teh river An eated gras An stufz in teh field but dey didnt eated teh catnipz cuz taht wuz blong 2 Ceiling Cat. -- Genesis 41 3 An 7 mor moocowz cam up out ov teh river, An dey wer all skinny An ugly An dey stood by teh othr moocowz by teh rivr. -- Genesis 41 4 An teh 7 skinny moocowz eated up teh 7 fat moocows. moocows dosent eats moocows irl but it wuz drem so dey cud eatz dem. An pharo woke up. -- Genesis 41 5 An he went bak 2 sleepz An he can haz anothr wierd drem, An he saw 7 ears ov rly gud corm growin on 1 plant. -- Genesis 41 6 An 7 dryed up ears grew aftr taht. -- Genesis 41 7 An teh 7 dryd up ears eated up teh 7 rly gud ears. cormz cant eatz othr cormz irl but it wuz drem so dey cud eated tehm. An pharo woke up An saw dat it wuz drem. -- Genesis 41 8 An in teh mornin he wuz all skeerd An emo An stuffz An he txtd all teh majic d00ds ov Egypt An all teh rly smrt geek d00ds An sed com 2 my base An pharo told tehm hiz drem; but no 1 cud tellz pharo wtf it meanz. -- Genesis 41 9 An then teh butler d00d sed 2 pharo, oh noes i 4got 2 tellz u An im rly sry: -- Genesis 41 10 1 dai pharo was all pissed off An stuffz wif me An teh bakr d00d cuz we rly fuxxd up An stuf, An teh cheef of poleesez cam An puts me An teh bakr d00d in teh dunjun An it rly suxxd: -- Genesis 41 11 An we bof can haz wierd drems 1 nite. he dremd bout bukkitz ov cookies An i dremd about grapez An wien. -- Genesis 41 12 An a Hebrew d00d wuz bosscat ov all teh prisonerz An he sed tellz me bout ur drems An i wil axt Ceiling Cat wtf dey meanz An we tellz him, An he tellz us bof wtf teh dremz meanz. -- Genesis 41 13 An wut he tellz us bout teh dremz happend irl, pharo tellz me iz ok i lieks u again An he letz me be butler d00d again but he chopd of teh bakers hed An hung him on a tree An teh burds eated him liek he wuz cookies. -- Genesis 41 14 Tehn pharo IMd teh bosscat of teh dunjun An sed tell Joseph to come ovr 2 my base, An dey took him out ov teh prison An he took baffs wich wuz ok cuz he wuz rly drty form bein in teh dunjun An besiedz he liekd baffs, An he shave his face cuz no 1 in egypt wuz muslimz yet An teh hebrooz wuznt rly jooz yet so dey didnt haz to has beardz An he put on sum noo clos An sum noo sneekz An went 2 pharos base. -- Genesis 41 15 An pharo sed 2 Joseph i can haz wierd dremz An no 1 can tellz me wtf it meanz An teh butler d00d tellz me u nos wtf drems meanz. -- Genesis 41 16 An Joseph sed i dono but i can axt Ceiling Cat An he wil tellz me wtf it meanz so u wil feelz betr An not b all skeerd An stuffz. -- Genesis 41 17 An pharo sed 2 Joseph, In my drem i wuz standin bai teh rivr: -- Genesis 41 18 An 7 fat moocowz cam up out ov teh river An eated gras An stufz in teh field but dey didnt eated teh catnipz cuz taht wuz blong 2 Ceiling Cat. -- Genesis 41 19 An 7 mor moocowz cam up out ov teh river, An dey wuz all skinny An ugly An i nevr saw such skinny ugly moocowz in all teh land ov Egypt. -- Genesis 41 20 An teh 7 skinny moocowz eated up teh 7 fat moocows. -- Genesis 41 21 An aftr dey eated tehm up, dey wer stil all skinny liek dey didnt eated dem An tehn i woke up. -- Genesis 41 22 An i went bak 2 sleepz An i can haz nothr wierd drem, An i saw 7 ears ov rly gud corm growin on 1 plant. -- Genesis 41 23 An 7 dryed up ears grew aftr taht. -- Genesis 41 24 An teh 7 dryd up cormz eated up teh 7 rly gud cormz.. An i woke up An saw dat it wuz drem. An I tellz taht 2 teh majic d00dz An teh rly smrt geek d00dz but no 1 knoz wtf it meanz. -- Genesis 41 25 An Joseph sed 2 pharo, bof teh drems meanz teh sam ting: Ceiling Cat tellz pharo wutz gon 2 happn. -- Genesis 41 26 teh 7 fat moocowz r 7 gudyears but not teh blimpz kind cuz blimpz haznt ben nventd yet. An teh 7 gud cormz r 7 gudyears but not teh blimpz kind yadda yadda An teh peepz can has lotz ov cheezburgrs An cookies An stuffs so its teh sam ting. -- Genesis 41 27 An teh 7 skinny ugly moocowz r 7 years; An teh 7 dryd up cormz meanz tehr wil b 7 bad years ov no cheezburgrz An no cookies. -- Genesis 41 28 An liek i sed b4, Ceiling Cat tellz u wots gonna happnz. -- Genesis 41 29 see, der wil b 7 gud years wif lotz ov cheezburgrz An cookies An stuff all ovr Egypt: -- Genesis 41 30 An aftr taht der wil b 7 years ov no cheezbugrs An no cookies; An all teh peepz in Egypt wil b hungry An starvin An stuf An evn 4get wtf iz cheezburgrz An cookies; -- Genesis 41 31 An all dat hungryz An starvashun cuz of no cheezburgrz An no cookies wil rly suxx. -- Genesis 41 32 An cuz pharo dremd teh sam drem 2x it meanz taht Ceiling Cat iz rly gonna do all taht rly soon. srsly. -- Genesis 41 33 so pharo shud getz a rly gud smrt d00d An letz him b bosscat ov teh land ov Egypt so pharo duznt haz 2 wry bout it. -- Genesis 41 34 An pharo shud let him getz 5 otehr gud smrt d00dz to werk 4 him An be bosscatz ov teh land ov Egypt 4 teh 7 gud years. (but joseph didnt thinx bout gettin sum wiminz to do it cuz taht wuz waybackintehwayback An wimin bosscats hadnt ben nventd yet.) -- Genesis 41 35 An letz tehm gather up lotz of cheezburgrz An cookies An cakez An icecreemz An othr foodz An stufz An mek shur dey getz lotz of cormz 2 An bildz gynormus bildinz in teh cities 2 keep al teh fudz in An dont 4gets teh katfudz An catnipz 4 teh kittehs. -- Genesis 41 36 An u wil haz lotz of fudz 4 teh 7 bad yearz of no cheezburgrz An no cookies so teh ppl in egypt wont b all hungry An starvin An dyin An stuffz. An dont wry, Ceiling Cat wil makez mirakel An teh icecreemz wont get all meltd An teh meeses wont getz in2 teh bildinz An eatz up all teh foodz An mek meese poopz all over it cuz dat wud rly suxx. srsly. -- Genesis 41 37 An pharo sed 2 joseph, u iz rly gud smrt d00d. An all his peepz thot so 2. -- Genesis 41 38 An pharo sed 2 his peepz, wehre can we find sum1 2 do all dis stuffs? An dey sed duh, getz joseph 2 do it. -- Genesis 41 39 An pharo sed 2 Joseph, k ur teh 1 Ceiling Cat talkz 2 An u r rly gud smrt d00d. u teh man. -- Genesis 41 40 i wil maeks u teh bosscat ov my base, An u wil tellz all teh ppl wot 2 do: im teh only 1 gonna b ur bosscat cuz i iz pharo. -- Genesis 41 41 An pharo sed 2 Joseph, See, I maekz u bosscat ovr all teh land ov Egypt. -- Genesis 41 42 An pharo tuk off his ring An put it on Josephs hand but it didnt meanz dey wuz ngaged An stuf, he just wantd 2 giv him some bling so teh peepz wud seez dat he was bosscat An rly important d00d An no 1 betr mess wif him, An he gaev him sum rly badass clos An sum totaly 1337 kicks An gaev him sum mor bling so teh ppl wud be rly shur he wuz bosscat. srsly. -- Genesis 41 43 An he gaev him his 2th best tricked out ride but it wuz chariot cuz carz hadnt ben nventd yet An wehn teh ppl seez him comin dey getz all xited An sez respekz tihs d00d cuz he iz bosscat ov all teh land ov Egypt. -- Genesis 41 44 An pharo sed 2 Joseph, I am pharo, An i sai no 1 in all teh land ov Egypt can do ne thing unles u sez k. -- Genesis 41 45 An pharo sed u can has new naim, i wil callz u Zaphnath-paaneah wich iz rly hard 2 speel but teh egipshunz had rly weird riting taht wuz all maed out ov pitchurs nsted ov lettrz; An he letz him marry Asenath wich is rly wierd naim 4 a grrrl cuz it soundz kind ov drty An he finaly found out bout “PENIS GOES WHERE?!” An she wuz teh daughter ov Poti-pherah wich soundz kind ov drty 2 An he wuz priest ov On wich isnt hard 2 speel An dosent soundz drty. An Joseph sed kthxbai An went all ovr teh land ov Egypt in his tricked out ride tellin all teh peepz wot 2 do An stuff An dey sed k. -- Genesis 41 46 An Joseph was 30 yrz old wen pharo maded him bosscat of egypt. An Joseph sed cul8r pharo i haz 2 go 2 werk An stuff kthxbai, An went all ovr Egypt in his tricked out ride but i alrdy told u taht. -- Genesis 41 47 An 4 7 gudyears but not teh blimpz kind cuz blimpz wuznt nventd yet, lotz ov foodz grew An tehre wuz lotz ov cheezburgrz An cookies An cakes An icecreems An catfudz An catnipz An stuffs An lotz of ppl An kittehs got fat An stuff wich wuz ok cuz tehn dey wudnt starv l8r. -- Genesis 41 48 An he tuk all teh xtra peepz fudz An catz fudz An catnipz ov teh 7 gud years An bilded gynormus bildinz in teh cities An puts all teh foodz An catnipz An stuffz in tehre. -- Genesis 41 49 An Joseph puts so meny bukkitz An bukkitzz ov cormz in tehr taht no 1 cud countz tehm. wich wuz gud cuz popcorm had ben nventd An all teh peeps liekd 2 eatz popcorm wen dey wuz watchin dere dvdz An stuf An wehn dey axidently dropz popcormz on teh flor teh kittehs thinkx itz toyz An lieks to playz wif it but dey duznt lieks 2 eatz it. -- Genesis 41 50 An Joseph An asenath rly liekd taht “PENIS GOES WHERE?” stufz An dey had 2 sons b4 teh bad years ov no fudz cam. -- Genesis 41 51 An Joseph naimz teh 1th kid Manasseh cuz he sed it meanz Ceiling Cat maded me 4getz how much mai lief suxxed b4 An how much i missd my old mans base. -- Genesis 41 52 An he naimd teh 2th kid Ephraim cuz he sed it meanz Ceiling Cat gaev me lotz An lotz of gud stuffz so mai lief dosent suxx no mor. -- Genesis 41 53 An tehn teh 7 years ov lotz An lotz of cheezburgrz An cookies An stuffz wuz ovr. -- Genesis 41 54 An teh 7 years ov no cheezburgrz An cookies An stuffz cam just liek Joseph sed: An ther wuz hungerz An starvashunz An otehr bad stuffz all ovr teh urths; but in Egypt der wuz lotz An lotz of foodz An catnipz An stuf. -- Genesis 41 55 An wen all teh peepz in Egypt gotz hungry, dey sed 2 pharo we can haz cheezburgr? An pharo sed go 2 Joseph cuz he is bosscat ov u An do wot evr he sez. An dey sed kthxbai.. -- Genesis 41 56 An ther wuz hungerz An starvashunz An otehr bad stuffz all ovr teh urths but i alrdy told u dat. An Joseph opened up all teh gynormus bildinz wer teh ppl foodz An cat fudz An catnipz An stufz wuz, An he sold teh foodz An catnipz An stufz 2 teh Egyptians An dey gaev him alot ov moneyz An said thx 4 all teh fudz An catfoodz An catnipz An stuffs kbye. -- Genesis 41 57 An all teh peepz form teh hol urthz cam 2 Egypt 2 by ppl fudz An catfoodz An catnipz An stuffs cuz der wuz hungryz An starvashunz An bad stufz liek taht all ovr teh urths An joseph sed u can haz cheezburgrz An cookies An cakez An icecreemz An katfudz An catnipz An stuf An dey gaev him lotz ov moneyz An evry1 sed kthxbai. -- Genesis 41 1 wehn Jacob hurd taht tehr wuz cheezburgrz An cookies An cornz An catnipz An stufz in Egypt An teh peepz wuznt all hungry An starvin An stuf, he sed 2 his kidz: -- Genesis 42 2 yo d00dz, i hurd dat tehr iz fudz An catnipz An stuff in egypt. go tehre An buy sum so we wont b all hungry An starving An gettin ded An stuffs. An dont 4gets teh cat foodz An teh catnipz cuz teh kittehs iz all hungry An starvin An stuf 2. -- Genesis 42 3 An dey sed k, gon to egypt, brb. -- Genesis 42 4 But Jacob wudnt let tehr kid bro benjamin go wif dem cuz he thot, if all teh kidz gets pwnzd by wikkid evil mean d00ds wuts been raedin wikkidpedia, or if pharo deciedz to pwnz dem, i stil can haz 1 kid left.. -- Genesis 42 5 An jacobz sons went wif alot of othr peepz 2 by foodz An stuff in egypt cuz lotz of otehr ppl in canaan wuz all hungry An starvin. -- Genesis 42 6 An Joseph wuz bosscat ov egypt An he wuz bosscat ov all teh gynormus bildins wehre teh ppl cud by cheezburgrz An cookies An catnipz An stuf. An josephs 10 bros caem An bowed down 2 him with their faces in teh drtz cuz tahts wut ppl use to do bak in teh dai wen dey wantd 2 sho respext 4 bosscatz An pharos An important peepz liek dat. -- Genesis 42 7 An wehn Joseph seez his bros, he decieded 2 fakez dem out so he made liek he didnt knos dem An he wuz all liek i iz bosscat kiss my butt An he axt dem wehre u caemz form? An they sed from Canaan An we wantz 2 buy f00dz An stuffz cuz our peeps An kittehs iz all hungry An starvin An stuff. -- Genesis 42 8 An Joseph reckonizd his bros, but they didnt reckonizd him cuz he jus lookd liek big egipshun bosscat An besieds teh last tiem dey saw him wuz wehn dey sold him 2 teh ishmeelitez 4 20 moneyz An he wuz kid bak tehn. -- Genesis 42 9 An Joseph sed u iz spyz, u jus wantz 2 seez if my peepz iz all hungry An starvin An gettin ded liek all teh ohter ppl. -- Genesis 42 10 An they sed no wai, we wantz 2 buy f00dz An stufz liek all teh othr ppl. -- Genesis 42 11 We r all bros An we iz gud d00dz An not spyz. -- Genesis 42 12 An he sed no wai, u iz spyz. -- Genesis 42 13 An they sed we r 12 bros but our kid bro is bak at our old manz base An one ov our bros got ded long tiem ago. -- Genesis 42 14 An Joseph sed i stil thinkx u r spyz: -- Genesis 42 15 so i no letz u goez bak 2 ur base til ur kid bro com 2 my base. -- Genesis 42 16 if u dosent do htis u iz spyz 4 shur An i iz gonna pwnz u. -- Genesis 42 17 An teh cheef ov poleesez puts tehm in teh dunjon 4 3 dais. -- Genesis 42 18 An l8r Joseph sed 2 dem, Ceiling Cat sez u go getz ur kid bro: -- Genesis 42 19 If u iz gud d00ds, leav 1 ov ur bros in teh prison An taek all teh cheezburgrz An cookies An cornz An katf00dz An catnipz An stuffs bak 2 ur base: -- Genesis 42 20 An if u brngz ur kidbro bak to my base I no pwnz him. -- Genesis 42 21 An they sed 2 each otehr, We rly fuxxed up wif our othr bro An didnt lissen 2 him An we did wikkid mean evil stuf 2 him An nao we iz scrood. srsly. -- Genesis 42 22 An Reuben sed i told u so, i sed dont pwnz him but u dosent lissen 2 me either An nao we iz rly scrood 4 shur. -- Genesis 42 23 An dey didnt kno dat Joseph undrstoodz dem. -- Genesis 42 24 An joseph sed xqz me gotta go 2 teh sandboks brb An tehn he got all sad An emo An stuff An cryed but he didnt letz dem seez An den he cam bak An took hiz bro Simeon An puts him bak in teh dunjon. -- Genesis 42 25 Then Joseph tellz hiz peepz 2 giv hiz bros lotz of cheezburgrs An cookies An stufs An puts hter moneyz bak in hter bukkits wif teh foodz An dey sed k. -- Genesis 42 26 An his bros filz up all tehr bukkitz wif teh foodz An stuf An sed gon 2 canaan kthxbai. -- Genesis 42 27 An it wuz lunch tiem An one of teh bros went 2 gets cheezburgrz An cookiez An seez his moneyz in hiz bukkit wif teh fudz. -- Genesis 42 28 An he sed wtf i has a money in my bukkit wif teh f00dz An dey gotz all skeerd An almos had heart attaxz An stuf An dey sed Ceiling Cat An teh bosscat ov egypt mus b messin wif us. -- Genesis 42 29 An they cam bak home 2 tehr old manz base An sed 2 him: -- Genesis 42 30 teh bosscat ov egypt wuz mean d00d An thot we wuz spyz or sumthin. -- Genesis 42 31 An we sed no wai, we iz gud d00dz: -- Genesis 42 32 we iz 12 bros but 1 of dem got ded An our kidbro is bak at our old manz base. -- Genesis 42 33 An teh bosscat sed leev one of ur bros at my base An take teh f00dz An stuf so u wont be all hungry An starvin An gettin ded An stufz An go wai: -- Genesis 42 34 An bring ur kid bro bak 2 my base so i wil know taht u r gud d00dz An not spyz An i wil letz ur otehr bro out ov teh prison An u can hangz out in egypt k? -- Genesis 42 35 An dey wuz gettin all teh cheezburgrz An cookiez An cakez An icecreemz An katf00dz An catnipz outta teh bukkits An dey all sed wtf we has a money! An dey An tehr old man got all skeerd An stufz. srsly. -- Genesis 42 36 An Jacob sed wtf Joseph is ded An Simeon iz in teh prison An u will taek Benjamin 2 egypt An prity soon all my kidz wil be gon. -- Genesis 42 37 An Reuben sed if benjamin getz ded u can pwnz my 2 kidz. i wil maek shur he getz bak to our base An not getz pwnzd. -- Genesis 42 38 An he sed no wai, his othr bro is ded An he no can haz no mor bros An if sum1 pwnz him i wil has heart atakxz An getz ded 2. -- Genesis 42 1 An tehr wuz lotz of hungryz An starvashuns An stuf An no cheezburgrz An no cookies 4 long tiem. -- Genesis 43 2 An l8r wen dey had eated up all teh fudz dey got form egypt, jacob sed 2 his kidz go bak 2 egypt An say we can has mor cheezburgrz An cookies An stuff?. -- Genesis 43 3 An Judah sed rmembr, teh bosscat ov egypt wuz mean d00d An he sed if we no brngz our kidbro wif us, we no can goes bak An we no can haz cheezburgrz An cookies An stufz. -- Genesis 43 4 but if our kid bro comz wif us iz k, we can haz cheezburgrz An cookies An cornz An katf00dz An catnipz An stufz. -- Genesis 43 5 but liek i jus sed teh mean bosscat d00d sez, if ben dosent com wif us we no can goes bak. -- Genesis 43 6 An Israel whos rael naim wuz jacob sed wtf u st00pid n00bz, y u tellz bosscat u haz othr bro? -- Genesis 43 7 An dey sed teh bosscat axt us bout our famly An wantd 2 kno if our old manz wuz aliev or not An if we haz nothr bro An stuf An we sed yes cuz Ceiling Cat sez u no tellz lies speshly 2 bosscat. An we didnt kno bosscat wud tellz us bring ur otehr bro 2 my base or u no can haz cheezburgrs An cookies An stufz. srsly. -- Genesis 43 8 An Judah sed pls letz us taek him wif us so we can has mor cheezburgrz An cookiez An stufz, An us An u An our momcatz An our wiefs An our kidz An all teh kittehs wont be all hungry An starvin An gettin ded An stufs. -- Genesis 43 9 I wil taekz care ov him An bringz him rite bak 2 u. An if I duznt brngz him bak all saef An stuffs tehn u can pwnz me or wot evr. -- Genesis 43 10 see, if we tookz him wif us b4 we cud alrdy haz mor cheezburgrz An cookies An stuffz. -- Genesis 43 11 An jacob sed k, but taek sum ov our stufz bak 2 teh bosscat, liek nutz An spicez An teh weedz dat iz liek catnipz 4 peepz so he wont b all pissed off An stuffs. -- Genesis 43 12 An taek all teh moneyz bak 2, mai b sum1 4got 2 taek it b4. -- Genesis 43 13 An letz ben go bak 2 Egyptz wif u: -- Genesis 43 14 An i wil axt Ceiling Cat Almighty 2 mek bosscat not b mean d00d An letz all ov u comz bak saef. If u getz pwnzd i wil be all sad An emo An can haz hart atacxx An stufz but wtf if u duznt go i wil getz ded form hungrz An starvashunz newai. cul8r bai. -- Genesis 43 15 An dey tuk all dat stufs An 2x teh moneyz An sed gon 2 egypt brb k bai An dey went bak 2 seez bosscat joseph. -- Genesis 43 16 An when joseph seez all hiz broz An evn hiz kidbro, he sed 2 hiz butler d00d, u taekz htese hebroo d00dz bak 2 my base An mekz sum cheezburgrz An cookies An stufs cuz iz lunch tiem An dese menz iz can haz lunch wif me. -- Genesis 43 17 An teh butlr d00d sed k cul8r bai An taekz all teh bros to josephs base. -- Genesis 43 18 An all teh bros wuz skeerd An they sed oh noes, bosscat iz mean d00d An mai b he knos bout teh moneyz wut wuz wif teh f00dz wehn we wnet bak 2 our base An mai b he wil getz teh cheef of poleesez 2 trhow us bak in teh dunjun An taht wil rly suxxz. srsly. -- Genesis 43 19 An dey wuz skeerd to goes in josephs base An dey stayd outsied wif teh butlr d00d. -- Genesis 43 20 An dey sed we wuz in ur egypt buyin ur foodz b4 An den we went bak 2 our base. -- Genesis 43 21 An wen it wuz lunch tiem we wuz getin out teh cheezburgrz An cookies An stufs An sed wtf we haz a money! An we thot sum1 forgot 2 taek it b4 so we brot it bak An bosscat can haz 2x teh moneyz kkkk? -- Genesis 43 22 cuz we r gud menz An dosent kno who puts teh moneyz bak in our bukkits An we didnt steelz nethin. -- Genesis 43 23 An teh butlr sed dont wry, ur Ceiling Cat tellz me put teh moneyz bak in tehr wif teh foodz An i sed k. An he sed simeon com out here ur bros iz her An he sed k. -- Genesis 43 24 An teh butlr d00d sed u all comz in teh base An u can has baffz An stuffz An dey sed k thx cuz dey wuz all drty An dey liekd baffs. An he tellz his peepz to giv tehr donkeyz sum foodz but not cheezburgrz An cookies cuz donkyz duznt lik cheezbugrz An cookiez An dey sed DO NOT WANT!!!!!!1!1! so dey can haz gras An stuf but dey cant haz catnipz cuz taht iz blong 2 Ceiling Cat. -- Genesis 43 25 An teh butler d00d sez iz lunch tiem An u can haz cheezburgrz An cookies An stuf An dey sed kewl, thx. -- Genesis 43 26 An Joseph cam bak 2 hiz base An dey gaev him all teh nutz An spicez An weedz taht iz liek catnip= 4 peepz An bowed down 2 him again cuz dat wuz how peepz use 2 sho respeckz 4 bosscats bak in teh dai. -- Genesis 43 27 An he axt dem how r u doin An howz ur old man An is he stil aliev. -- Genesis 43 28 An dey sed he iz ok jus hungryz An stuf liek all teh otehr ppl An they bowed down 2 him again cuz dey wuz all skeerd An stuf. -- Genesis 43 29 An tehn he seez hiz kidbro wut hadz teh same momcat An axt is htis ur kid bro An he sed dont wry, Ceiling Cat taekz caer ov u An no letz ne1 pwnz u. -- Genesis 43 30 An Joseph sed xqz me gotz to go 2 sandbockz brb An he went An got all emo An cryed An stuff. -- Genesis 43 31 An he cam bak An sed itz lunch tiem An we can haz cheezburgrz An cookiez An stufz. -- Genesis 43 32 An they eated tehr lunchz. -- Genesis 43 33 An all teh bros sed w00t, bosscat duznt be mean d00d An tihs iz rly gud fudz An we can eatz lunch wif bosscat An how kewl iz taht? 4 rael. -- Genesis 43 34 An joseph gaev evry1 lotz of fudz An stuffz but he gaev teh most foodz 2 benjamin cuz he raely liekd him alot. An dey can haz wien An cakez An icecereemz An stuffz liek it waz burfdai prty or sumthin An dey wuz all happy An stufs cuz bosscat didnt pwnzd tehm or trhowz dem in teh dunjun An othr mean stuff. -- Genesis 43 1 An he tellz hiz butler d00d fill up evry1s bukkit wif foodz An catnipz An stufz An put evry1s moneyz bak in teh bukkitz 2. -- Genesis 44 2 An put my favorit silver cup in teh kidbros bukkit wif hiz moneyz An he sed k. -- Genesis 44 3 An in teh mornin all teh bros sed thx 4 all teh cheezburgrs An cookiez An cornz An catnipz An lunchz An stufz, cul8r bai. -- Genesis 44 4 An aftr dey left Joseph sed 2 his cheef of poleesez, u goez after htose hebroo d00ds An say wtf, y u duz wikkid evil ting, u ben raedin wikkidpedia or wot? -- Genesis 44 5 did u steelz bosscats favrit silver cup wen u wuz eatin lunch at hiz base? iz wikkid An evil An ur Ceiling Cat sez u no steelz stuf form ppl, rite?. -- Genesis 44 6 An he catchs up wif tehm An sed wot bosscat joseph sed. -- Genesis 44 7 An they sed wait a minit, wtf he sez taht 4? Ceiling Cat sez u no steelz stuffs form teh peepz An we r gud minz An we duz wot Ceiling Cat sez. -- Genesis 44 8 rmember we wuz in ur egypt byin ur foodz b4 An we finded teh moneyz in teh bukkits wif teh foodz An we brot it bak An sed 2 bosscat u can has 2x teh moneyz k? y u tink we steelz form bosscat? -- Genesis 44 9 look in all our bukkitz An if u findz it u can pwnz who evr haz it An u can puts us bak in teh dunjon k?. -- Genesis 44 10 An he sed I iz not mean d00d so i jus puts teh 1 who stol it bak in teh prison An all u othr d00dz can goes bak 2 ur old manz base k? -- Genesis 44 11 tehn dey opend up all teh bukkits An stufz so teh cheef ov poleesez cud seez. -- Genesis 44 12 An he finded teh silvr cup in benjamins bukkit. -- Genesis 44 13 den dey got all skeerd An took all teh foodz An catnipz An stufz bak 2 teh city. -- Genesis 44 14 An all teh bros went 2 josephs base An dey bowed down 2 him cuz dey wer skeerd An dey didnt wants bosscat joseph 2 be all pissed off cuz taht wud rly suxx. srsly. -- Genesis 44 15 An Joseph sed wtf u did? dont u knos i iz majik d00d An can seez stuff liek taht? -- Genesis 44 16 An Judah sed we no steelz nething An u gotz 2 bleev us. Ceiling Cat knos wot happnd An if we steelz nethin u can pwnz us or puts us bak in teh dunjun or wotevr. -- Genesis 44 17 An Joseph sed ur Ceiling Cat tellz me not 2 pwnz u. but teh d00d wot steeld my favrit cup haz 2 goes 2 teh prison An teh rest of u can goes bak 2 ur old manz base. -- Genesis 44 18 den Judah sed i can tellz u sumthin pls? An pls dont get all pissed off An stufz cuz i knos u r big bosscat almos liek pharo An I dont want to b rood or nethin. -- Genesis 44 19 rmembr u axt us if we haz othr bros An if our old man wuz stil aliev? -- Genesis 44 20 An we sed our old man iz stil aliev An we hav a kid bro An his otehr bro who haz teh same momcat got ded long tiem ago An he iz teh only 1 who has teh same momcat An our old man rly luvs him alot. srsly. -- Genesis 44 21 An u tellz us bring him here 2 my base cuz i wantz 2 seez him. -- Genesis 44 22 An we sed we no can do taht cuz our old man wud be so sad An stufs taht he can has hart attacx or sumthin An get ded. -- Genesis 44 23 An u sed if we duznt brngz our kidbro bak 2 ur base den we no can com bak An we no can has mor cheezburgrz An cookies An cornz An catmipz An stufz -- Genesis 44 24 An wen we wnet bak 2 our old manz base we told him wot u sed An he wuz all skeerd An stuffz An sez i no can lets him goes cuz sum1 mite pwnz him or crocodielz or lions or lolrusz mite eatz him. -- Genesis 44 25 An tehn l8r he sed 2 us go bak 2 egyptz An say we can has mor cheezburgrs An cookies An cornz An catnipz An stufs?. -- Genesis 44 26 An we sed we no can goes bak tehre cuz teh bosscat wuz mean d00d An he sed if u no brngz ur kidbro 2 my base i no talkz 2 u, go wai. -- Genesis 44 27 An our old man sed 2 us hiz momcat only had 2 kidz, -- Genesis 44 28 An 1 of tehm iz gon An i think sum1 pwnzd him or he got eated by crocodiel or lion or lolruz An dat wuz long tiem ago. -- Genesis 44 29 An if his kid bro getz ded i wil be so sad An emo An stuffz, i can has hart attackxxz An stuf An get ded. -- Genesis 44 30 so if benjamin no can goes bak 2 our old manz base, our old man mite can has hart atakxs An get ded cuz he luvz him so much. srsly. -- Genesis 44 31 An we tink ov him getin ded An we say DO NOT WANT!!!!!!!!!!!! -- Genesis 44 32 so i sed to our old man i wil taeks caer ov him An if he getz ded u can pwnz me or wot evr. -- Genesis 44 33 so pls trhow me in teh prison insted An let our kid bro go back to our old mans base. -- Genesis 44 34 see i no can goes bak to our old manz base if our kid bro no can goes 2. cus liek i jus sed our old man can has hart attakxxxz An get ded An DO NOT WANT!!!!11!!!! -- Genesis 44 1 hten Joseph cudnt stopz form gettin all emo An stuffz An he sed 2 his peepz all u d00dz go wai An dey sed k. An Joseph stopz fakin out his bros. -- Genesis 45 2 An he got all emo. srsly. An he cryed An stufz An all teh Egyptians in pharos base hurd him but taht wuz k cuz menz wuz aloud 2 cryz back in teh day. -- Genesis 45 3 An Joseph said hai, I iz ur bro Joseph. iz our old man stil aliev? An his bros wuz getin all skeerd An stufz An didnt knoes wtf 2 do. -- Genesis 45 4 An Joseph sed 2 his bros bleev me i iz Joseph ur bro wut u selld to teh egypshunz 4 20 moneyz long tiem ago. -- Genesis 45 5 but dont b all sad An skeerd An stufz cuz Ceiling Cat wantd me 2 com here An saev teh ppl An teh kittehs form starvin An getin ded form teh hungerz. -- Genesis 45 6 cuz teh hungerz An starvashunz haz ben goin on 4 2 yrz An we stil can haz 5 mor yrs ov no cheezburgrz An no cookiez An stuf. -- Genesis 45 7 An Ceiling Cat wantd me 2 mek shur hter wil b enuf cheezburgrz An cookies An cornz An katfudz An catnipz An stuffs so teh peepz An teh kittehs wont get ded form teh hungrz An starvashunz. -- Genesis 45 8 So u didnt rly do wikkid evil thing even tho it lookd liek u did. Ceiling Cat maded u do it. srsly. An he tellz pharo 2 maekz me bosscat ov all his base An ov all teh land ov Egypt. so tehre. -- Genesis 45 9 so u can goez bak 2 ur old manz base An tellz him joseph sez Ceiling Cat maded me bosscat ov all teh Egypts An he can comz ovr 2 my base rite awai. -- Genesis 45 10 An i maekz base 4 u in teh land ov Goshen An u An ur wiefs An ur kidz An tehr wiefs An ur hol famlyz An ur kittehs An ur moocows An ur sheeplz can livz tehre. -- Genesis 45 11 An i wil givz u lotz of cheezburgrz An cookies An cornz An catf00dz An catnipz cuz htere wil b 5 mor yrs ov hungerz An starvashunz An no cheezburgrz An no cookies An if u staiz in canaan u mite get ded form teh hungrz An starvashunz An DO NOT WANT!!!1111!!!!!! -- Genesis 45 12 newai u can lookz at me An seez taht i iz ur bro. 4 rael. -- Genesis 45 13 An tell our old man taht im in ur egyptz bein teh bosscat An teh egypt is gud place 4 base An he shud com here rite awai. -- Genesis 45 14 An joseph got all emo again An it wuz huggz tiem An he An benjamin had big huggz An cryed An stuf. -- Genesis 45 15 An all his otehr bros got all emo 2 An it wuz rly rly huggz tiem. srsly. -- Genesis 45 16 An evry1 in pharos base sed Josephs bros are heer, how kewl iz dat? An pharo An all his peepz sed w00t!. -- Genesis 45 17 An pharo said 2 Joseph all ur bros can goes bak 2 ur old manz base. -- Genesis 45 18 An bringz him An all ur famlyz An moocows An sheepz An kittehs bak 2 egypt: An I wil maekz base 4 htem An dey can has lotz ov cheezburgrz An cookies An cornz An catf00ds An catnipz An stuf. -- Genesis 45 19 An dey can haz wagons 4 teh famlyz An teh kittehs but teh moocows An teh sheeplz can walkz. but sry i no can givz tehm truckx cuz truckx haznt ben nventd yet An u rly shud axt ur Ceiling Cat bout taht cuz soundz liek gud idea. -- Genesis 45 20 An tel tehm dont wry about all ur otehr stufs cuz u can has all new stuffs form teh egyptz. An not walmart stuffz either, u can haz teh rly gud stuf liek bloomingdalez An nieman marcus. -- Genesis 45 21 so pharo tellz joseph 2 giv dem 10 wagonz but no truckx cuz truckx wuznt nventd yet An joseph gave tehm f00dz 2 so dey wudnt haz to stopz at mcdonalds. wich wuz gud cuz mcdonalds wuznt inventd yet either but pharos cheezburgrz wuz alot betr newai. An no can haz truckx was k 2 cuz gas wuznt nventd yet. -- Genesis 45 22 he gaev htem all noo clos but he gaev Benjamin mor clos den ne1 An he gaev him 300 moneyz 2. -- Genesis 45 23 An he gaev tehm 20 donkys wut wuz carryin ppl fudz An cat f00dz An a lotz ov othr rly gud stufffs 2 taeks wif tehm. oh An donky foodz 2 cuz liek i sed b4 donkyz dosent lieks cheezburgrz An cookies. -- Genesis 45 24 An dey sed kthx gon 2 canaan brb An he sed wach out An dont letz ne1 pwnz u An dont letz teh crocodielz An teh lionz An teh lolruses eatz u k bai. -- Genesis 45 25 An htey went bak 2 tehr old manz base An no1 pwnzd dem An teh crocodielz An teh lions An teh lolrusz did not eated htem. -- Genesis 45 26 An dey toldz Jacob Joseph iz in ur egyptz bein teh bosscat ov all ov it. An Jacob didnt bleev htem An sed wtf no wai u 4 rael?! An he almos cud has hartatakkxz but he didnt. wich wuz gud cuz cpr wuznt nventd yet. -- Genesis 45 27 An dey tellz him wot Joseph sed 2 dem An when he seez all teh wagons An teh donkyz he sed k i bleevs u. rly. -- Genesis 45 28 An Israel whos rael naim wuz Jacob sed how kewl is taht! Joseph iz aliev An iz bosscat of all teh egyptz. w00t! i can goes 2 seez him An b wif him An haz noo base b4 i get ded. -- Genesis 45 1 An Israel whos rael naim wuz jacob taekz all hiz wiefs An hiz kidz An ther wiefs An hter kidz An his kittehs An hiz moo cowz An his sheeplz An stufs An said gon 2 egyptz An not brb k bai. An dey caem to Beer-sheba An jacob sed we can has bbq An htey burnt up a moocow An a sheepl An lotz ov catnipz An Ceiling Cat sed kthx ur rly g00d peepz An i lieks u alot. -- Genesis 46 2 An Ceiling Cat sed Jacob, Jacob. An he sed im in ur beersheba lissenin 2 Ceiling Cat. -- Genesis 46 3 An Ceiling Cat sed I am Ceiling Cat An teh Ceiling Cat of ur old man isaac. dont b all skeerd of goin 2 Egypt cuz u can has base htere An u can haz gynormus famlyz An call dem teh israelitez. -- Genesis 46 4 I wil b in ur egyptz watchin ovr u An ur peepz. An evry wher els 2. -- Genesis 46 5 An Jacob sed we has a wagonz. An we can goes 2 egypts An Ceiling Cat sez iz gonna b k An wikkid evil ppl no can pwnz us An crocodiels An lionz An lolrusz no can eatz us. -- Genesis 46 6 An he taekz all teh kittehz An teh moo cows An teh sheeplz An stufz An sed gon 2 egypts An not brb kbai. -- Genesis 46 7 An all hiz wiefs An hiz kidz An ther wiefs An teh hol famlyz sed gone 2 egyptz An not brb kbai. An wuz alrdy big famlyz cuz jacob can has 4 wiefs An dey did alot ov PENIS GOES WHERE?! srsly. -- Genesis 46 8 An htese are all ov jacobs peepz. An most ov dem has wierd naemz cuz teh 1th peepz who rited teh bibbl can haz weird alfabetz. -- Genesis 46 9 jacobs kid Reuben who wuz not sammich had teh kidz Hanoch An Phallu An Hezron An Carmi. -- Genesis 46 10 An jacobs kid Simeon had teh kidz Jemuel An Jamin An Ohad An Jachin An Zohar An Shaul. -- Genesis 46 11 An jacobs kid Levi who wuz not pantz had teh kidz Gershon An Kohath An Merari. -- Genesis 46 12 An jacobs kid Judah had teh kidz Er An Onan An Shelah An Pharez An Zerah but Er An Onan wuz alrdy got ded. An Pharez had teh kidz Hezron An Hamul. -- Genesis 46 13 An jacobs kid Issachar had teh kidz Tola An Phuvah An Job who wuz a rael piece ov werk An Shimron. -- Genesis 46 14 An jacobs kid Zebulun had teh kidz Sered An Elon An Jahleel. -- Genesis 46 15 An htose kids momcat wuz Leah An hter sis wuz Dinah so tehr wuz 30 An 3 ov dem countin all teh kidz kidz. -- Genesis 46 16 An jacobs kid Gad had teh kidz Ziphion An Haggi An Shuni An Ezbon An Eri An Arodi An Areli. -- Genesis 46 17 An jacobs kid Asher had teh kidz Jimnah An Ishuah An Isui An Beriah An Serah ther sis. An Beriah had teh kidz Heber An Malchiel. -- Genesis 46 18 An thos kidz momcat wuz Zilpah An tehr wuz 16 ov em countin all teh kids kidz. -- Genesis 46 19 Jacob's wief rachel had teh kidz Joseph An Benjamin. -- Genesis 46 20 An jacobs kid Joseph had teh kidz Manasseh An Ephraim in teh egpyt An ther momcat wuz Asenath. -- Genesis 46 21 An jacobs kid Benjamin did alot ov PENIS GOES WHERE!? An had teh kidz Bela who wuz not dracula An Becher An Ashbel An Gera An Naaman An Ehi An Rosh An Muppim who wuz not muppet An Huppim An Ard. -- Genesis 46 22 so countin all teh kidz kidz ther wuz 14 of dem. -- Genesis 46 23 An jacobs kid Dan had teh kid Hushim. -- Genesis 46 24 An jacobs kid Naphtali had teh kidz Jahzeel An Guni An Jezer An Shillem. -- Genesis 46 25 An bilhah wuz tehr momcat. -- Genesis 46 26 so all Jacobs famlyz who caem form canaan wuz 60 An 6 ppl not counting hiz kids wiefs An sum1 4got to rite down teh kids wiefz naims. -- Genesis 46 27 An liek i sed b4, Joseph had 2 kidz in teh egyptz. so jacob can has 60 An 10 ppl in his hol famlyz but is k u no duz teh maths. -- Genesis 46 28 An judah axt joseph goshen is where An he told him so he dosnt haz 2 use f******xing mapquest!!! An htey said gon 2 Goshen cul8r kthxbai. -- Genesis 46 29 An Joseph can has chariot cuz cars wuznt inventd yet An he sed 2 pharo gon 2 goshen brb An wnet 2 see his old man An dey got all emo An it wuz huggz tiem An dey cryed alot cuz dey wuz all happie An xited An stuff. -- Genesis 46 30 An jacob sed thx muchz to Ceiling Cat cuz i can seez joseph agin An he iz aliev An i can gets ded from bein all hapy An xcited An stuf.. -- Genesis 46 31 An Joseph sed i tellz pharo dat all my famlyz iz in teh egpyt. gone 2 pharos base kbai 4 naow. -- Genesis 46 32 An jacob An his kidz exept 4 joseph who wuz bosscat ov egpyt An his kidz kids wuz shepherds An can has lotz of moocows An sheeplz An dey brung all of tehm 2 egypts. -- Genesis 46 33 An jospeh sed pharo is gonna axt u wat u do 4 werk. -- Genesis 46 34 An u tellz dem we is shepherds An has lotz ov moo cowz An sheeps so pharo wil sai i maek ur base in teh land of Goshen cuz teh gypshuns gots dis wierd thing bout shepherdz An dey liek 2 eat sheeplz An moocows but htey dosent liek 2 liv wif dem An dey will say DO NOT WANT!111!!!!!!!!. -- Genesis 46 1 Then Joseph sed 2 pharo my old man An my bros An hter famlyz An dere kittehs An ther sheepz An hter moo cows An stufs r in ur goshen. -- Genesis 47 2 An he taekz 5 ov his bros 2 seez pharo. -- Genesis 47 3 An pharo sed 2 joseps bros wot u do 4 werk An they sed we r all shepherds. -- Genesis 47 4 An dey sed we use to liv in teh canaan but u tellz us we can has base in teh egpytz cuz our moocows dosent has ne f00dz An dey wil get ded if we stais ther so pls we can has base in goshen?. -- Genesis 47 5 An pharo sed 2 Joseph ur old man An ur bros r in ur eygpt lookin 4 fudz 4 ther sheepz An hter moo cows An stuff. -- Genesis 47 6 An u iz rly gud d00d An i liekz u alot so ur old man An ur bros can has rly gud base in Goshen: An dey can b bosscats of all my moo cows An sheeplz 2. -- Genesis 47 7 An Joseph tookd Jacob his old man to sees pharo: An Jacob sed thx muchz pharo. Ceiling Cat sez u r rly gud d00d An Ceiling Cat wil watch out 4 u. -- Genesis 47 8 An pharo axt Jacob how old r u? -- Genesis 47 9 An Jacob sed i iz rly old d00d 100 An 30 yrz old An i has gud lief An my old man wuz 100 An 47 yrz old wehn he got ded. -- Genesis 47 10 An Jacob sed 2 pharo gon 2 goshen kthxbai. -- Genesis 47 11 An Joseph maded teh vry bestest base in all ov teh egyptz 4 his old man An his bros in goshen wich was calld land of rameses 2. (but not naemd aftr ramses teh 2th cuz he wuznt bornd yet.) -- Genesis 47 12 An Joseph took caer ov his old man An his bros An all his old mans famlyz An gaev htem lotz of cheezburgrs An cookies An corns An stufffz. An catfudz An catnips 4 teh kittehs 2. -- Genesis 47 13 An l8r hter wuznt ne mor cheezburgrs An cookies evn in teh egypt cuz all teh peepz An kittehs had eated it all An htey wuz all hungry An starvin liek evry1 els. -- Genesis 47 14 An Joseph gaev all teh moneyz in egypt An in canaan 2 pharo 2 buy all teh fudz An stuf. -- Genesis 47 15 An dey didnt has ne mor moneys. An l8r all teh Egyptians caem 2 Joseph An sed we can has cheesburgrz An cookies An stuffz? cuz we r all hungry An starvin An stufz but we dosent has ne mor moneyz An f00d stamps haznt ben nvntd yet An evn all our moocowz is all hungryz An starvin cuz tehr iznt evn ne gras left cuz dey eated it all An we evn eated sum ov it. -- Genesis 47 16 An Joseph sed i can haz ur moo cows An sheeplz An stuf An u can has cheezburgrs An cookies An stuf. -- Genesis 47 17 An dey sed k An joesph can has all tehr horses An sheepz An moo cows An donkyz An Joseph gaev htem cheezburgrz An cookies An cornz An catfoods An stufs An 4 a hol yeer. -- Genesis 47 18 An teh nex yr dey caem bak 2 josephs base An sed we can has cheezburgrz An cookies An stuffs? sry we dosnt has ne mor moneyz An u alrdy haz all our moo cows An sheeplz An stuf An food stamps hasnt ben nventd yet An all we haz left is our basez so all our base can b belong 2 u. -- Genesis 47 19 othr wiez we will all get ded form teh hungryz An teh strvashunz. so u can haz all our base An we can has cheezbugrz An cookies An stuf k? An we can has seedz 2 An we wil werk on all teh farmz 4 pharo kkkkk? -- Genesis 47 20 so all teh peepz base wer belong 2 pharo An teh peeps cud haz cheezburgrz An cookies An seeds An stuf An evry1 maded farmz 4 pharo. -- Genesis 47 21 An all teh ppl in teh eygpt werkd 4 pharo in teh cityz An stuf wen dey wuznt in ther famrz raizin tehr fr00ts An vebgtablz An stuf. -- Genesis 47 22 but pharo sed 2 joeph u no can haz fake Ceiling Cats bases cuz fake Ceiling Cats wil get all pissed off An stuf. but pharo didnt kno taht fake Ceiling Cats wuz fake Ceiling Cats he thot htey wer rael An he wuz all skeerd An stufs. so he didnt taekd fake Ceiling Cats bases. -- Genesis 47 23 Then Joseph sed 2 teh ppl u An all ur base 4 blong 2 pharo: tek teh seedz An mek farmz. -- Genesis 47 24 An sum of ur vegbatels An froots is blong 2 pharo An teh rest is blong 2 u so u An ur famlyz wont b all hungry An starvin An stuff. -- Genesis 47 25 An they sed thx muchz u is rly gud d00d, u tek caer of us An we will werks 4 pharo An we wont b all starvin nao. kthxbai. -- Genesis 47 26 An htats how dey stil duz thingz in teh egyptz. sum of teh f00dz is belong 2 pharo An teh rest is blong 2 teh ppl but all fake Ceiling Catz base is stil blong 2 fake Ceiling Cats. -- Genesis 47 27 An teh isrealitz livd in goshen long tiem An they hadz lotz An lotz of moneys An stuff An dey did alot of PENIS GOES WHERE??! An had lotz An lotz of kidz. srsly. -- Genesis 47 28 An l8r jacob wuz rly rly old d00d An he got 2 b 100 An 40 An 7 yrz old liek his old man. -- Genesis 47 29 An he noo he wuz gonna get ded prty soon An he sed 2 joesph promis me u is not burys me in teh egypt wen i get ded. -- Genesis 47 30 but u bury me wif my old man in teh canaan An joseph sed k. -- Genesis 47 31 An jacob sed Ceiling Cat is watchin u An if u dont do htat den Ceiling Cat wil be all pissed off An stuff An maybe he evn meks u ded. 4 rael. den jacob sed u r rly gud kid. An den jacob wuz all tired cuz he wuz rly old d00d An he sed nitey nite An wnet 2 sleepz. -- Genesis 47 1 sum tiem latr joseph wuz tolded, "ur fathr iz not feelingz so gud." so he took his 2 sons manaseh an efraim along wif him. An they was mad cuz they wuz in middle of playing pokemonz. -- Genesis 48 2 when jacob wuz tolded, "ur son joseph has come 2 u, cuz he heer yor not feeling so gud" israel stopped watching rerunz of golden girlz an sat up on teh bed. -- Genesis 48 3 jacob sed 2 joseph, "Cieling Cat almighty appeard 2 me at luz in da land ov canaan,srsly, was like one secund i wuz scratchings mah butt and nest things u no cieling cat all like OMG HAI. an thar he blesd me -- Genesis 48 4 an sed 2 me, im goin 2 mak u rly rich d00d an will increase ur cheezburgerz and childrenz. Im gonna mak u mod ov all tha interweb, an im gonna giv dis land as an evrlastin posesshun 2 ur descendants aftr u. srsly. Essept mebe otha peepol will also say iz their posesshun and will be lots of MORTAL KOMBAT and stuffs but otha than thats its your posseshun srsly. -- Genesis 48 5 "nao den, as I wuz saying, ur 2 sons borned 2 u in da land uf giant kitty litter box before i came 2 u her will be I can haz; efraim an manaseh will be I can haz, jus as reuben (laik the sammich lolz) an simeon r I can haz. -- Genesis 48 6 any childrunz borned 2 u aftr them will be u can haz; in da hood they inherit they will be calleded undr teh namez ov their brothers for sum rzn. not sure y. y not callz them by their real nameses? I guess peepol are lazy. -- Genesis 48 7 anywayz, as i wuz returnin frum paddan (they haz good barz there), 2 mah DO NOT WANT rachel go wai and be ded in da land ov canaan while we wuz still on teh wai, lil distance frum efrath, and rly rly far frum antartica. So i burid her like turd thar beside teh road 2 efrath" (dat iz, bethlehem, also vry vry far from antratica...srlsy). -- Genesis 48 8 when israel saw teh sons ov joseph, he askded, "o hai! hoo r thees?" -- Genesis 48 9 "they r teh sons Cieling Cat has sed I can haz," joseph sed 2 his fathr. den israel sed, "brin them 2 me so i cud bles them and snorgle themz and giv them munney for using at chucky cheez." -- Genesis 48 10 nao israels eyez wuz not wurkin so good cuz ov old age and cuz he spends lots of taim on intraweb lookings at lolcat pagez, an he cud hardly c. srlsy. So joseph brought his sons close 2 him, an his fathr kisd them an embracd them an snorgled them and then forgoted their names cuz hes rly rly rly old. -- Genesis 48 11 israel sed 2 joseph, "i nevr expectd 2 c u again except when u need 2 borrow munney or needz to do laundrey, an nao Cieling Cat has allowd me 2 c ur children 2. DO WANT" -- Genesis 48 12 den joseph removd them frum israels lap an bowd down wif his face 2 teh ground fur som rzn. -- Genesis 48 13 an joseph took both ov them, efraim on his rite toward israels left hand an manaseh on his left toward israels rite hand, not evn sur why i tell u this, is as relevant as which hrbllz cieling cat wuz licking at the time, an brought them close 2 him again after takings them away. I guess joseph is indecisive like dat. -- Genesis 48 14 but israel reachd out his rite hand an put it on efraims head, though he wuz teh youngr, an evn tho he had jus used that hand to scratch hrballz, an crosin his arms like macarena, he puted his left hand on manasehs head, even though manaseh wuz teh firstborn and even tho he had lice. -- Genesis 48 15 den he blesd joseph an sed,"cud teh Cieling Cat before whom mah fathers abraham an isaac walkd, teh Cieling Cat hoo has been mah sugah daddy all mah life 2 dis dai, -- Genesis 48 16 teh hover dOOd hoo has deliverd me frum all harm and kept mai cheezburgers safe —cud he bles thees bois. cud they be calld by mah naym, an teh namez ov mah fathers abraham an isaac, an cud they increase greatly upon teh earth like weedz and sudoko puzzlz." -- Genesis 48 17 when joseph saw his fathr placin his rite hand on efraims head he wuz laik, DO NOT WANT; so he took hold ov his fathers hand 2 moov it frum efraims head 2 manasehs head. Also he changeded the channel on TV cuz he hates Golden girls. -- Genesis 48 18 joseph sed 2 him, "duh! pops, dis wan iz teh firstborn; put ur rite hand on his head. kthx" -- Genesis 48 19 but his fathr was all laik, REQUEST DENIED an sed, "i knoe, mah son, i knoe. I r not dummy head. He 2 will become peeps, an he 2 will become great like man who invented flee collars. but, his youngr brothr will be greatr than he, and always win at pokemonz and get hottest date at promz, an his childrenz will become group ov nashuns and will listen to music he no likez" -- Genesis 48 20 he blesd them dat dai an sed,"in ur naym will israel pronounce dis blesin: cud Cieling Cat mak u liek efraim an manaseh, and laik cheez on burgerz " so he put efraim ahead ov manaseh, and changed channel bak to golden girls cus he did not want to miss end. -- Genesis 48 21 den israel sed 2 joseph, "o noes! im bout 2 be ded, but Cieling Cat will be wif u an taek u bak 2 teh land ov ur fathers by scruff of yur neck like a cyoot kittehn. -- Genesis 48 22 An cuz u iz bosscat i giv teh ridge ov land i took frum teh amoritez wif mah sword an mah bow (An mai aroz 2 cuz bo wfout arros duznt werkz gud) an mah gat." -- Genesis 48 1 An Jacob said to his kittehs "Coem here I give u invisible cheezburgrz an tell wat will happn to ur kittehs' kittehs' kittehs -- Genesis 49 2 so listen plz! I iz Israel ur dadz. -- Genesis 49 3 Reuben, ur mai first kitteh! U cud haev been great like me -- Genesis 49 4 but ur kittehs won't have cheezburgrz cuz u peed in mai bedz! An scratched mai couch!" -- Genesis 49 5 "Simeon and Levi, ur bad mean kittehs! -- Genesis 49 6 I dun wanna think of it but u killed a kitteh and smashed a wall! -- Genesis 49 7 So ur cursed an ur baby kittehs will be scattrd an not frenz." -- Genesis 49 8 "Judah, ur gud kitteh. U cen be squeez kittehs necks an dey lick ur feetz. -- Genesis 49 9 Ur a lion! Other kittehs DO NOT WANT wake up lion. -- Genesis 49 10 An ur kittehs will rule ur bros kittehs until ceiling cat comes to gather all kittehz! -- Genesis 49 11 An ceiling cat will give kittehz a bath -- Genesis 49 12 an milk an wine!" -- Genesis 49 13 "Zebuluns kittehs can has hoem by the sea an can has boats to play with." -- Genesis 49 14 "Issachar iz a donkey carrying invizbl hevvy rox -- Genesis 49 15 an wantz to rest an so will be servant an licks feetz." -- Genesis 49 16 "Dan will be judge for his kittehs! -- Genesis 49 17 He can be serpentcat and bitez teh horses so ridrs fall LOL!" -- Genesis 49 18 I can haz salvation yet, ceiling cat? -- Genesis 49 19 "Gad, a walrus take ur bukket! But u can haz it bak." -- Genesis 49 20 "Asher kittehs are roly-poly! LOL They maded cookies but eated them." -- Genesis 49 21 "Napthali, ur bum iz gassy. But u talk nice, so iz k." -- Genesis 49 22 "Joseph, u can haz many many kittehs! Soem kittehs live across teh sea! -- Genesis 49 23 Ur bros try hurt u an ur kittehs -- Genesis 49 24 but iz ok. Ceiling cat make u an ur kittehs strong ninjacats. -- Genesis 49 25 Ceiling cat giev u lotz cheezburgrz! -- Genesis 49 26 An u can haz ur dads cheezburgrz an ur bros not haev em." -- Genesis 49 27 "Benjamin huntz wild cheezburgrz at nite! LOL!" -- Genesis 49 28 An the 12 kittehs eated cheezburgrz from dads. -- Genesis 49 29 An dads sed "Oh noez I will join ceiling cat forevur so burry me inna cave -- Genesis 49 30 ovr thur -- Genesis 49 31 whur iz bureed Abraham, Sarah, Isaac, Rebekah, an Leah. -- Genesis 49 32 Cave iz ovr thur an we bot it." Genesis_23#2 -- Genesis 49 33 An he went teh ded. -- Genesis 49 1 Dat Joseph dood was all like crying n' stuff and den he waz liek "i can has kissez?" and he gave kisses to daddy. -- Genesis 50 2 and den Joseph was all liek "hey u guyz lets make to wrap himz up;" so guyz did it. -- Genesis 50 3 it wuz long time, more long time, lotz of time, and peepz were sad -- Genesis 50 4 and Joseph sed "hai guyz if u luvz me, tell Pharaoh that -- Genesis 50 5 dadz sed u gots burry me in Canaan so I taek him out of ur place an burry him in Canaan but I coem back kthxbai" -- Genesis 50 6 an Pharaoh said "k" -- Genesis 50 7 an Joseph went with old kittehz -- Genesis 50 8 an with his bros and the sheepz -- Genesis 50 9 an with the walrus and hiz bukket an dey were lotz of kittehs -- Genesis 50 10 an they got there an the kittehs cried -- Genesis 50 11 an the Canaan kittehs sed "oh sad" -- Genesis 50 12 so dey burreed him inna durt -- Genesis 50 13 cuz deyd carreed him there -- Genesis 50 14 Joseph went back to Pharaoh -- Genesis 50 15 den bros sed "Joseph will h8 us" -- Genesis 50 16 an bros sed "Joseph, dad sed -- Genesis 50 17 u must luv us an not be mad" an Joseph cried -- Genesis 50 18 an bros sed "we sirv u an lick ur feetz" -- Genesis 50 19 an Joseph sed "dont be fraid I iz liek ceiling cat -- Genesis 50 20 cuz u wer bad but ceiling cat maed it gud an kittehs got saved -- Genesis 50 21 dunt werry I give u cheezburgrz" an he gaev em cheezburgrz -- Genesis 50 22 an Joseph got old -- Genesis 50 23 an he saw his baby kittehs have kittehs an kittehs an kittehs an he holded all the baby kittehs an red them storeez an gave em cheezburgrz -- Genesis 50 24 Joseph sed "I go see ceiling cat forevur but ceiling cat will take you back to ur land k bai" -- Genesis 50 25 an Joseph sed "ceiling cat will coem so tak mai bonez k?" -- Genesis 50 26 an he died an dey put him in a box -- Genesis 50 1 An Jacob wented to Egypt and ppl an ther beybies goed too. Teh pepl wuz: -- Exodus 1 2 Ruben an Simeon an Levi an Judah -- Exodus 1 3 an Issachar and Zebulun an Benjamin -- Exodus 1 4 an Dan an Naphtali an Gad an Asher. -- Exodus 1 5 An evrywun wuz liek, we camed from Jacobses penises. Lol. An thier woz sebbenty of em. -- Exodus 1 6 An thenn tehy wuz al ded. Srsly. -- Exodus 1 7 An then thhere childern wuz lik, PENIS GOES WHERE? An then they new whear penis wents, and maded babieses. -- Exodus 1 8 An some othar guy wuz liek, lol I am Kinng of Egypt. Whose is Joseph? Dont even no. -- Exodus 1 9 King sayed to hiz peeps: Yo. Look at teh Ibruz are lots of em. -- Exodus 1 10 We gotta stops em an take thear cheezburger. Or els theyll takes our cheezburger, srsly. -- Exodus 1 11 An he gived them too muchly werk to do. An wuz liek, bild me citeis! Wif treasurz! -- Exodus 1 12 But teh Ibruz alredy knoed where penis goes. An wer liek, yay babis. But boo, worrk. -- Exodus 1 13 An Egyptianz were like, work hardr! -- Exodus 1 14 An Egyptianz werr liek, Srsly, do all teh work for us. An work hardr. -- Exodus 1 15 An Egyptking wuz liek, yo babyladies, who mayke babies cum out. -- Exodus 1 16 Wen therz a boy jew, kill him. Wen therz a girl jew, kept them sose I can mack them. Kthxbye. -- Exodus 1 17 But babyladies sayed to selvs, teh Ceiling Cat wont like. An they didnt. -- Exodus 1 18 An the King he saied, WHUT? -- Exodus 1 19 An they syad to him, lady Jews dont even need us fur babes. They iz liek, nah. (O, an BTW, ur lady Egyptianz iz laemerer.) -- Exodus 1 20 Ceiling Cat wuz liek to babyladies, yu cann hav cheezburgers. -- Exodus 1 21 An buckets. -- Exodus 1 22 Then teh King wuz liek, evrone lissen up! All teh boy jws go in teh rivr, k? -- Exodus 1 1 Sum guye wented to Levi's place an marryed hiz doter. -- Exodus 2 2 An the doter hd a bayby who wuz a boi so she hided himm. -- Exodus 2 3 So she decided to do wot Pharo saied an put hm in teh rievr but she maded a bote fur him sos he woudt drounz. An she sed pharo is liek rly laem 4 tellz us puts babyz in teh river An not sais u no can has botez lol st00pid pharo. -- Exodus 2 4 An his big sis miriam wuz tehr 2 An she hided An wotched him flote awai. An teh crocodielz An teh lolrusz did not eated him. wich wuz good cuz if dey did tehr wudnt b no mor storyz An htis wud b rly short bibul. -- Exodus 2 5 An teh Princess was nekkid in ur riiver havin baffs cuz she rly liekd baffs and sawed teh widdle babie and gotted him out. -- Exodus 2 6 An teh baby cryd, an Princess wuz liek whoah. A Hebruw. An he iz teh cute 2. WANT!!!!!!!!! -- Exodus 2 7 An miriam wuz teh rly smrt kidz An she sayd shoud I gett a Hebruwe to takes caer ov it? -- Exodus 2 8 An Princes she wuz liyk, yeah. so miriam wentd bak 2 her momcats base An sed woah mom, teh princess is finded my kid bro An she is wants hebroo momcat to taeks care of him An u can goes 2 princessz base An do dat An how kewl iz htat? -- Exodus 2 9 Princess wuz Phoaro's daoter, btw, srsly. An she sed to teh Heberw ladie who wuz rly teh babyz momcat u can has a money 4 bein babysitr An she sed k. cuz Herbbwe layde wuz liek, whoa its my baby. Only she dint sai it ot lowd. -- Exodus 2 10 An wen he wuz grone up, Princess wuz sayed, Ur naym is Moses, srsly. cuz she sed i meanz i took u out ov teh riverz An stuf. -- Exodus 2 11 Wun dai Moses saw sum gyptian guy beting on a nother Jew. -- Exodus 2 12 So he capped him. -- Exodus 2 13 An then sum otha guyz whu wurr Jewz saied, y u do dat? -- Exodus 2 14 An Moses wuz llike Your not teh bos of me! An thot to hisself How did tehy no bout it? -- Exodus 2 15 An Pharo wuz liek, WHUT? GONNA KILL HIM! But Moses runnd awai to liv in Midian wif d00d naemd jethro but ncis wuznt inventd yet so he was sheeplhurd. -- Exodus 2 16 An dese gurls caym to get woter for sheeples, an wuz seven of dem. -- Exodus 2 17 An sum sheepleherds who wuz bout as evil as puppehs sed u no can has a watr An triyed to stop em but Moses helpd em. -- Exodus 2 18 Teh gurls got hoem, an thier dad sayd Why u so quik getin woter? -- Exodus 2 19 So they tole him a bowt Moses. but dey didnt tellz him dey thot moses wuz all hot An sexy An stufs. -- Exodus 2 20 An ther dad wuz liek Bring hm her An he can haz cheexburgrz An pepsis An stuf but no fryz cuz fryz wuznt nventd yet. -- Exodus 2 21 An Moses livd wif da man an maried his doter Zipporah. An all teh ohter grrlz wuz sorta jelus but l8r dey can haz menz 2 so was k. -- Exodus 2 22 An tehy haded a baby cald Gershom, an wer liek lol gershom funy name. -- Exodus 2 23 An latr on Pharo died an all teh Jews werre llike, too much wurk An htis suxxxxxx rly rly terabl. 4 realz. -- Exodus 2 24 An Ceiling Cat herd em say it, and saied to hisself Oh rite i 4got. I is ment to not let that hapn. sry i iz stil n00b Ceiling Cat An i wil fixz htat bug in urths version 2.1. -- Exodus 2 25 An Ceiling Cat gave props to teh Heberws, srsly. -- Exodus 2 1 Moses takes teh sheeples to teh Ceiling Cat mountain. -- Exodus 3 2 I'm in ur bush, burnin, not consumin. -- Exodus 3 3 Moses sez "OMG dis bush, dis bush, dis bush iz on fire! An iz still on teh fires!" -- Exodus 3 4 n Ceiling Cat sez "Moses Moses! Yo over teh here!" n Moses be liek, "wut" -- Exodus 3 5 n Ceiling Cat sez "Takes off ur shoos, dis be holiez placez. -- Exodus 3 6 I be teh Ceiling cat. All ur dadz are belong to me. n Moses wuz scared. -- Exodus 3 7 Ceiling Cat sez: "All yez ppl b sad. I seed dat. -- Exodus 3 8 Iz coming to saves dem an brng lotz ov cheezburgrs an milks. And honeys. -- Exodus 3 9 i hearz teh ppls cryin an stuf an teh bad guys w/ teh pyramids iz bad guys. -- Exodus 3 10 Sew, I iz snding U to teh ppl to saves teh ppl, k?" -- Exodus 3 11 n Moses wuz all liek, 'Wuh? Me? Nowai!' -- Exodus 3 12 n Ceiling Cat wuz liek, "Wai. I helping U, and U bring teh ppls to wrship teh Ceiling Cat at Ceiling cat mountain. -- Exodus 3 13 n Moses wuz liek, "Wut if teh peeps say, who iz dat guy there?" -- Exodus 3 14 n Ceiling Cat wuz leik, "I yam who I yam". -- Exodus 3 15 4evrs dat b me. -- Exodus 3 16 Tell teh pplz i see dem, an they scard. -- Exodus 3 17 Tell teh pplz about the cheezburgrs An teh milkz with teh honeys. -- Exodus 3 18 teh pplz say to U OMG, cool! -- Exodus 3 19 Teh bad gyptions go BOO, no way man. -- Exodus 3 20 Teh smitng an ouches for teh gyptians will smack down them. -- Exodus 3 21 an teh pplz will take all teh stuff ov teh bad dudes. -- Exodus 3 22 Takes deys stufs an toys an playstashunz an puters an things of dem. -- Exodus 3 1 Moses sez "Man, dey ain't no way teh Jews believe ME? -- Exodus 4 2 Ceiling cat sez, "D00d, looksie in yer paw! A big Stick!" -- Exodus 4 3 Thro dat stick down dere den! Holy Moley, its a Friggin' Snaik!!!1 -- Exodus 4 4 Ceiling cat sez, "Grab dat snaik by teh tail," which he did, tho he was scarrd. Bang! iz a stick! -- Exodus 4 5 Dat waz some k00l trick, eh? Now nuther one!1! -- Exodus 4 6 Put yer paw in yer shirt! EWWWW iz all gross and flaky, Nasty Man! -- Exodus 4 7 Put yer paw in and NOW...presto! All beta! -- Exodus 4 8 If dem teh ppl donut get deh 1st trick, teh number two ones'll get em. -- Exodus 4 9 WAIT! Even teh betterest one. Get some waters and spills it. WHoa nelly, now iz blood. Now dat Iz messin wit yer heads. -- Exodus 4 10 Moses sed, "But Ceiling cat, I iz st00pid and talk st00pid. Ima quit man. -- Exodus 4 11 Ceiling Cat growlz "D00d, IB Teh Ceiling Cat! Whatcha harballzing about?1? -- Exodus 4 12 "Now go!!!1 I will tell yeh 2 talk it rite." -- Exodus 4 13 Moses sez, "but but but but...." -- Exodus 4 14 Ceiling Cat starts hissing with hckls and teh grwling, "hey st00pid, ok, tellz yer brther aaron to be stoopid w/ u. -- Exodus 4 15 Srsly. -- Exodus 4 16 You be substute Ceiling cat, ur brther can meow. -- Exodus 4 17 Don't fergit teh cool stick. CyaK? Bai. -- Exodus 4 18 Moses went back to der family and sez, CHOW, smell ya l8ter gon2 egyptz brb. -- Exodus 4 19 n Ceiling CAt wuz liek "all those d00dz who be hatin u r b4 got p4wnd. -- Exodus 4 20 n Moses loaded up teh donkey w/ his kittehs n snakey staff n setted out 4 teh gyptians -- Exodus 4 21 n Ceiling Cat wuz liek "u get 2 teh gyptians, tell dat Pharoah bout teh snakes n leprosy n cool stuff I showd u. Pharoahs gonna be all liek, Moses u suck, but dat ok. -- Exodus 4 22 u just say, "STFU Pharoah, Ceiling Cat sez Israel hiz firstboarn" -- Exodus 4 23 n also tell dat Pharoah, 'since u be hatin on Israel, we gonna kill ur firstboarn' o_0 -- Exodus 4 24 so Moses wuz chillin at teh hotel when Ceiling CAt wuz liek, "Ima p4wn u Moses!" -- Exodus 4 25 but Zipporah wuz liek, "no Wai!" n evn cut off her kittenz 4skin n rubbd it all up Moses feetses. n sed "surely u r bridegroom ov blood 2 me." -- Exodus 4 26 n Ceiling Cat was all liek, "LOL i only playin bout teh killenz Moses ya burnt" n that's y they cut off ur penis tip when u bornz now. -- Exodus 4 27 so then Ceiling Cat sed, "Hey Aaron-cat, go meet Moses in teh dessert n make out w/ him" n Aaron did. -- Exodus 4 28 then Moses wuz liek, "Whoa that's hot. check out all dis badass stuff Ceiling Cat gave me." -- Exodus 4 29 n then Moses n Aaron got all teh old Israelites together -- Exodus 4 30 n were liek, "hey, check out dis badass stuff from Ceiling Cat" -- Exodus 4 31 n teh old Israelitez were liek, "Ceiling CAt luvs us, that's cool." n prayd n shit. -- Exodus 4 1 Moses and Aaron sayz to Pharo "Ceiling Cat sez let mah d00dz go, kthxbai. We can has party." -- Exodus 5 2 Pharo sez, "Who iz Ceiling Cat? I'm in ur Egypt, keepin' ur d00dz." -- Exodus 5 3 Moses sez, "Ceiling Cat met wif us. Now all the Israelite d00dz gonna go to desert for 3 days and make stufs ded for Ceiling Cat. If we don't, Ceiling Cat stabs us wif sword." -- Exodus 5 4 And then Pharo sez, "WTF? Why u stops dem? Get back 2 work!!" -- Exodus 5 5 See? U has stopped all teh Israelite d00dz from work." -- Exodus 5 6 Later onna same day, Pharo sez to slaev driverz, -- Exodus 5 7 "The Israelites can no has straws from u. -- Exodus 5 8 But they still gots to maek all teh briks!!!1! Teh Israelite d00dz iz lazy. -- Exodus 5 9 Maek dem work harder, so tehy no listen 2 lies." -- Exodus 5 10 Teh slaev driverz sez, "Pharo sez u no can has straws. -- Exodus 5 11 Go An find ur own, but u still gots to maek all teh briks." -- Exodus 5 12 So teh Israelite d00dz went all over to find straws. -- Exodus 5 13 And teh slaev drivers wuz meen and sez, "U maek all teh briks even wif no straws." -- Exodus 5 14 Teh Israelite fored00dz wuz whacked wif a stik, cuz they couldn't maek alla briks. -- Exodus 5 15 Then the Israelite forecat sez to Pharo , "WTF y u be meen to us? -- Exodus 5 16 I see what you did there." -- Exodus 5 17 Pharo sez "Is cuz u r lazy. -- Exodus 5 18 Now get 2 work!!!11!1" -- Exodus 5 19 Teh Israelite fored00dz knew they wuz in troble then. -- Exodus 5 20 And when they left Pharo and sees Moses and Aaron, they sez -- Exodus 5 21 "U r full of fail! Now we is stinky before Pharaoh, and he's gonna kill all our d00dz." -- Exodus 5 22 So Moses asks Ceiling Cat "WTF y u do dat?" -- Exodus 5 23 Now I am full of fail, and you has no halped me." -- Exodus 5 1 Ceiling cat saiz to Moses "now joo c what I dooz to Pharaoh. I wil hitz him wiv mah grt big fist and he be like let the Israel d00dz go." -- Exodus 6 2 So Ceiling Cat seiz to Moses I am teh H4X0R. -- Exodus 6 3 An I apearz to Abraham nd into Isaac n' into Jacob by mah name Ceiling Cat. Ah only tellz you Moses mah real name uv H4XOR. -- Exodus 6 4 An I saidz to themz I givz U fer good the lann uv Canaan where you werr campin' out fer a wile. -- Exodus 6 5 An I heared whinings of Israel kittahs becaus Egyptians pwn them and I rememberz mah promeiz. -- Exodus 6 6 I say to them I iz H4X0R j00's Ceiling Cat which friz you and uz can has skedaddles out uv Egypt. -- Exodus 6 7 Then U wil no I am Cieling Cat, hoo tuuk U out uv Egypt. -- Exodus 6 8 And I goin teik you to Canaan which I seid I giv to u d00dz (a bit lait I admit, sry bout tht k? OKOK, rly late). -- Exodus 6 9 So Moses seiz all dat to Israelite kittenz, hoo sai "BS!! We no bleef U!! Moses iz n00b". Dey say dat cuz laif iz tuff wit slavry an whatnot. -- Exodus 6 10 Ceiling Cat seid to Moses -- Exodus 6 11 U go vizit-chat wiff Pharaoh an sai "Let my kittahs go!" -- Exodus 6 12 Moses he say "Isreal kittahs no listen me! Y wood Pharoah? I meow like n00b." -- Exodus 6 13 Aggen I telz U dat abowt Cieling Cat. He tellz Moses an Aaron to get Israelites out uv Egypt sandbox. -- Exodus 6 14 Dese R teh famblis uv Israel. Reuben can has sunz Hanoch, Pallu, Hezron an Carmi. -- Exodus 6 15 Simeon can has sunz Jemuel, Jamin, Ohad, Jakin, Zohar and Shaul. Shaul mama wuz Canaanite. -- Exodus 6 16 Levi can has sunz Gershon, Kohath and Merari. Levi livz 137 yrs. (Dats a loooooong taim.) -- Exodus 6 17 Gershon can has sunz Libni and Shimei. (Jus 2, eezy 2 rembember.) -- Exodus 6 18 Kohath can has sunz Amram, Izhar, Hebron and Uzziel. Kohath livz 133 yrs. (Levi livz longr. Gud 4 him) -- Exodus 6 19 Merari can has sunz Mahli and Mushi. -- Exodus 6 20 Amram can has sunz Aaron and Moses. (Hey! Dese R teh gud guyz inn R stori!) Amram livz 137 years. Gud 4 him. He eet hole granes. -- Exodus 6 21 Izhar can has sunz Korah, Nepheg and Zicri. -- Exodus 6 22 Uzziel can has sunz Mishael, Elzaphan and Sithri. -- Exodus 6 23 Aaron hook up wit Elisheba an marreez her. She dottir uv Amminadab, and they can has sunz Nadab and Abihu, Eleazar and Ithamar (nawt in 1 litter LOL). -- Exodus 6 24 Korah can has sunz Assir, Elkanah an Abiasaph. -- Exodus 6 25 Eleazar iz sun uv Aaron. He get HARBL GOES WHERE? wif dottir of Putiel, and she birff sun Phinehas. -- Exodus 6 26 OK jus mak shure. The saim Moses an Aaron in fambli lizst abuv is saim as wunz hoo Ceiling Cat sai to dem "Get Israelites owt uv Egypt" (OK test on fambly lizst tomrrow. Study tonite. LOL chust joke) -- Exodus 6 27 Moses an Aaron k? - doan forgett. -- Exodus 6 28 Itz so nise, da Bible say it twise: Ceiling Cat sez 2 Moses -- Exodus 6 29 "I can iz H4XOR. talk Pharaoh wif newz I tells U". -- Exodus 6 30 Moses sez I can knot. I chust m-m-m-meow like dis. Pharaoh no listn 2 me. he chust covr eers and sing "Lalalala I kant heer U" -- Exodus 6 1 Then Ceiling Cat sez to Moses, "U iz like Ceiling Cat 2 Pharaoh, an Aaron iz ur prophit. -- Exodus 7 2 U sez what I tells u, and Aaron will do stufs too. When Aaron tells Pharaoh to let ur d00dz go -- Exodus 7 3 I maik Pharaoh all meen an say no, -- Exodus 7 4 and then I be in Pharaoh's Egypt judgin' his Egypt d00dz, -- Exodus 7 5 and Pharaoh will know I gotz ninja powerz den." -- Exodus 7 6 Moses and Aaron did what they wuz told. -- Exodus 7 7 Moses wuz 80 An Aaron was 83 when they talkeded to Pharaoh. -- Exodus 7 8 Ceiling Cat sez to Moses and Aaron, -- Exodus 7 9 When Pharaoh sayz 'do cool stufs wif powerz,' frow ur stick onna ground, An it will b a snaek. -- Exodus 7 10 So Moses and Aaron went to seez Pharaoh. Aaron frew his stick onna ground, and Jesus Christ it's a snaek! -- Exodus 7 11 Pharaoh got sum sorsors to do fancy stufs. -- Exodus 7 12 Pharaoh's sorsors also made sum snaekz, but Aarons snaek eated dem. -- Exodus 7 13 But Pharaoh sez, "so whut?" -- Exodus 7 14 Then Ceiling Cat sez, "Pharaoh is no fun, and is keepin ur d00dz. -- Exodus 7 15 Go see Pharaoh tomarow when he iz on da Nile. Don' ferget ur stick. -- Exodus 7 16 Den u say, 'Let mah d00dz go!' -- Exodus 7 17 And den u put ur stick inna water, and OMGWTF it b blud and stinky, -- Exodus 7 18 and Egypt d00dz no can has fish. An no can has drinkz An no can has baffs either. -- Exodus 7 19 Ceiling Cat also sez "U tell Aaron he gots to put his hands onna waters in Egypt and OMG dem is blud too, even in da bukkets!" -- Exodus 7 20 So Moses and Aaron did what they wuz told. -- Exodus 7 21 And BLARG the fish r ded. An teh kittehs wuz all sad cuz no can heas fishz An has to eatz meeses evry day An htey sed BOOOOOORRRRRRING!!!!!! -- Exodus 7 22 But Pharaoh's sorsors who wuz liek majik d00ds in WoW An thot dey wuz teh kewl An stufs made blood too, and Pharaoh sez "So whut?" -- Exodus 7 23 Then Pharaoh went in his howse. -- Exodus 7 24 And the Egypt d00dz maded holes inna ground for water. -- Exodus 7 25 It wuz 7 days after Ceiling Cat made teh waterz blud. -- Exodus 7 1 Ceiling cat sez to Moses, "Tell Pharaoh 'Ceiling Cat sez let mah d00dz go, so they can wership me. -- Exodus 8 2 If u sez no, I maek frogz all over ur whole country. -- Exodus 8 3 Teh Nile will has frogz. Frogz will be in ur base, and in ur bed, and in ur d00dz howses, and in ur kitchens. -- Exodus 8 4 Teh frogz will be all on ur peeplz. An dey will b in ur bukkitz makin ur tadpolez. An tehr wont b ne french d00dz 2 eatz tehm cuz french d00ds wuznt inventd yet. so tehre." -- Exodus 8 5 Then Ceiling Cat sez to Moses, "Tell Aaron to hold his stik onna waters, and maek sum frogz come out." -- Exodus 8 6 So Aaron held his stik out over teh water, and frogz was all over Pharaoh's base, jumpin on his d00dz. -- Exodus 8 7 But the sorsors also maed sum frogz. -- Exodus 8 8 Pharaoh sez, "ok, u win, u pray to Ceiling Cat to take away teh frogz, and I let ur d00dz go." -- Exodus 8 9 Moses sez to Pharaoh, "U tells me when to pray." -- Exodus 8 10 Pharaoh sez, "ok, tomarow, kthx." Moses sez, "works for me." -- Exodus 8 11 Teh frogz will leave ur base, and stop jumpin on ur d00dz, and go back to teh Nile." -- Exodus 8 12 After Moses and Aaron left Pharaoh's base, Moses yeld to Ceiling Cat about teh frogz. -- Exodus 8 13 And Ceiling Cat hurd him, and BLARG teh frogz r ded. -- Exodus 8 14 Big piles of ded frogz were maed, and it wuz stinky. -- Exodus 8 15 But when Pharaoh saw teh frogpilez, his heart wuz hard, An he wuz like "I no can hear Moses and Aaron." -- Exodus 8 16 So Ceiling cat sez to Moses, "Tell Aaron to hit teh ground wif his stik, and all over Egypt teh dust will become gnats." -- Exodus 8 17 They did, and gnats was all in Pharaoh's Egypt. -- Exodus 8 18 And this time, teh sorsors could not maek no gnats. -- Exodus 8 19 Teh sorsors said to Pharaoh, "I fink Ceiling Cat is fo realz." But Pharaoh's heart wuz still hard. -- Exodus 8 20 So Ceiling Cat sez to Moses, "Waek up rly and say to Pharaoh, 'Ceiling cat sez: let mah d00dz go.' -- Exodus 8 21 If u don't, I will send flys on u and ur d00dz and ur pplz. -- Exodus 8 22 But I will leave Goshen alone, cuz is teh Israelites base. And u will know that I, Ceiling Cat, am in Goshen protectin' mah d00dz. -- Exodus 8 23 I will maek mah d00dz and ur d00dz different. U sees it tomarow!" -- Exodus 8 24 And Ceiling Cat shows it the nxt day. Bunches of flys flewed into Pharaoh's base and into his d00dz howses. An sum ov teh gypshunz sed wish der wuz stil sum frogz 2 eatz all htese flyz but sum othr gypshunz sed stfu so dey sed k An shutted up. -- Exodus 8 25 Then Pharaoh asks Moses and Aaron, "Kill stufs for Ceiling Cat here in Egypt." -- Exodus 8 26 But Moses sez, "Do not want. Egypt d00dz wud b gr0ssed out, and hit us wif roks. -- Exodus 8 27 We hazta go away 4 free days to give Ceiling Cat ded stufs. Is orders." -- Exodus 8 28 Pharaoh sez, "OK, but u better not go far. Now, u pray for me." -- Exodus 8 29 Moses sez, "I pray after I go. Tomarow teh flys will leev ur base. But no mor triks, Pharaoh - u hasta let mah d00dz go offer sacurfices." -- Exodus 8 30 Then Moses praid to Ceiling Cat. -- Exodus 8 31 An Ceiling Cat was cool and maed all teh flys go home. -- Exodus 8 32 But this tiem Pharaoh hardened his hart and wud not let teh Israelite d00dz go. -- Exodus 8 1 Den da Ceiling Cat sed to Moses "Go sey to Pharaoh 'Thus seys Ceiling Cat, tha God ov da Hebrewz, "Let meh d00dz go yah?" -- Exodus 9 2 srsly -- Exodus 9 3 Ceiling Cat will off al ur animulz! he will! -- Exodus 9 4 But Ceiling Cat wont off hiz peeps animulz cos tht b mean! -- Exodus 9 5 so Ceiling Cat set a time, "2moro at 5ish!" -- Exodus 9 6 so da next day Ceiling Cat did it an all da animals ov da gypshuns gots run ova by Ceiling Cat but not hiz peeps animulz -- Exodus 9 7 Pharaoah was like WOAH but still didnt let dem go -- Exodus 9 8 An Ceiling Cat got Moses an Aaron to chuck soot at Pharoah. -- Exodus 9 9 It spreaded is greasy an will makes every1 Egyptians spotty -- Exodus 9 10 An so dey thro it an eve1 gets lyke all boils ova dem. -- Exodus 9 11 An magicians trys 2 magic da pimples aweh but dnt work -- Exodus 9 12 But Pharorah was like 'w/e' n still neva let da ppl go -- Exodus 9 13 Ceiling Cat seys 2 Moses "Tell Pharorah tht he beta let dem ppl go" -- Exodus 9 14 or dis time im gonna send dis plague on every1 even da servents n even ppl ova in china n canada n ever wher n da hole word so tht u no i am a big deel -- Exodus 9 15 I coulda shoulda woulda bust ya b4 -- Exodus 9 16 but I wantz u ppl 2 no my name -- Exodus 9 17 U are gonna pay 4 dis Pharoah!! -- Exodus 9 18 Dis time 2moro its gonna be such bad hail -- Exodus 9 19 U hide ur animulz or they b struck dwn by da big rocks -- Exodus 9 20 Pharoah put all da animals in his house -- Exodus 9 21 But whoeva didnt listen 2 Ceiling Cat left der slaves n animulz in da fields -- Exodus 9 22 Ceiling cat told Moses to put his hans up -- Exodus 9 23 An den Moses put his hans up -- Exodus 9 24 An hail came down -- Exodus 9 25 Da hail smushd a few peepohl n animulz -- Exodus 9 26 But Ceiling Cat made Israel safe -- Exodus 9 27 Da Pharorah got Moses n said 'ok i have doned a big invisable error, Ceiling Cat is rite. -- Exodus 9 28 Plead wit da Ceiling Cat, im gonna let every1 go now -- Exodus 9 29 Moses seys soon as i leave dis city there aint be no more thunder n hail kai? -- Exodus 9 30 U need b scardy o Ceiling Cat!! mkai? -- Exodus 9 31 Now da barley b dead, no gonna makes beer -- Exodus 9 32 Wheat OK -- Exodus 9 33 Moses left da city an da hail stopped -- Exodus 9 34 When Pharorah sawed it stop he made anotha invisble error -- Exodus 9 35 So he sed 'wait a min, ur d00dz no goin nowhere' -- Exodus 9 1 Teh Ceiling Cat sed un2 Moses, go 2 Pharaoh: 4 i hav made is hert hard -- Exodus 10 2 An tell everybodys arond Egypt tht i hav been da 1 makin all da plagues -- Exodus 10 3 So Moses an Aaron went 2 Pharaoh n sed 2 um "Dus seyth teh Ceiling Cat, God ov teh Hebrews, how lng do i havva wait til u let meh peepohl go?" -- Exodus 10 4 "Or il open dis box ov flyin buggies" -- Exodus 10 5 An der wil b so many dat u wnt beable 2 see trees no mores -- Exodus 10 6 An dey shall goin in2 all da houses n mess evey fing up!" so Moses an Aaron lft. -- Exodus 10 7 An Pharorahs m8s got mad n sed "how lng u gonna be lettin dem ppl go? hurry cos i dnt want no buggies on me" -- Exodus 10 8 An Moses an Aaron came bk 2 Pharaoh so Pharaoh sed "Go, serve ur Ceiling Cat, wot u hangin round here 4?" -- Exodus 10 9 An Moses replyd "OK" -- Exodus 10 10 An e sed on2 him "Let Ceiling Cat be wivs u" -- Exodus 10 11 Not so: go yea tht mean serve Ceiling Cat!!!1 -- Exodus 10 12 An teh Ceiling Cat sed 2 Moses "Streth ur hands out" -- Exodus 10 13 Den it got reeli windi n sum Locusts came n blew everywer -- Exodus 10 14 An da locusts went everi wher all ova -- Exodus 10 15 Dey covad da faces in da hole earth an dey ate all da froots -- Exodus 10 16 Teh Pharaoh cld for Moses an Aaron n haste an he sed "iv dun anotha invisable error!" -- Exodus 10 17 Now use can go lyke n da ppl -- Exodus 10 18 An hee went 2 Pharaoh n in teated da Ceiling Cat -- Exodus 10 19 An teh Ceiling Cat got all da Locusts bk -- Exodus 10 20 But den Pharaoh changd is mind -- Exodus 10 21 An da Ceiling Cat sed 2 Moses "look, im gona turn dah lites off so itll be reely dark kay?" -- Exodus 10 22 An Moses strthchd is arms out n den it wis dark -- Exodus 10 23 But he let ppl in Israel hav lite -- Exodus 10 24 An Pharaoh changd bk is mind n sed dat da peephol cud go -- Exodus 10 25 An Moses sed "OK" -- Exodus 10 26 "But wer bringin da cows wiv us n tht ok" he added. -- Exodus 10 27 But den Pharoah chnged his mind!!!! -- Exodus 10 28 Den Pharorah sed "Stay awey frum meh Moses!!!!" -- Exodus 10 29 An Moses sed "Fien Den!!" -- Exodus 10 1 Ceiling Cat telz Moses: Wun mor plaig. This taim 4 shur. This taim U can has exit visa frum Egypt. -- Exodus 11 2 Tellz ur male kittahs and female kittahs baoth 2 axsk fer silber an goald frum dair Egyptian neybor d00dz. -- Exodus 11 3 They be OK wit givven U dat stuf. Dey likes U guyz. I fixd it dat wey, k? -- Exodus 11 4 Moses sez to Pharaoh: "Midnites, I can has naice stroll aroun Egypt. Not so naice reezn Y I can has naice stroll. -- Exodus 11 5 Den, all oldst sunz in Egypt R offd. Fall down, go boom! Pharaoh #1 sun byebye. Slave #1 sun byebye. Even moocow #1 sun byebye. -- Exodus 11 6 All Egypt cry'n'cry. Lowdst evah cry'n'cry. -- Exodus 11 7 But no cryin in da Israel howsez. Even dogz no bark neer Israel howzes. Ceiling Cat fixs things good. -- Exodus 11 8 Den U will giv us da royal boot, an we be out of Egypt. Yay! knothxbai!" Dhen angri Moses stompd awai frum Pharaoh. -- Exodus 11 9 Ceiling Cat sed 2 Moses: "Pharaoh wont listen, so U gotta go wit da stroll, an I'll tak da toll. -- Exodus 11 10 Ceiling Cat wuz rite! Pharaoh dint lissen. He refuzed da Israelites thair 1-wei ticktz owt. Boo Pharaoh 4 hiz Invisibl Error! -- Exodus 11 1 Ceiling Cat sez 2 Moses n Aaron: -- Exodus 12 2 nao iz teh munth 2 eat sheepz. Nom Nom Nom! -- Exodus 12 3 I can haz recipe. Eech fambly howze maik wun sheepz fore din-dins. -- Exodus 12 4 If teh fambly iz littel, den cher a sheepz wif anodder fambli. Doan forgit: Taik al U want, but eet wat U take. -- Exodus 12 5 Da sheepz U cook muss B da beszt wuns. -- Exodus 12 6 Off dem all on da saim dai, at de saim hour, on da 14th ov da munth. -- Exodus 12 7 B4 U cook, put sheepz blood on ur door fraims. Doan unnerstan? Trusst me, kthx. -- Exodus 12 8 Den follow recipe, an eet sheepz dat niet. It has a flavor cookd wif vegtbls. Bred yes, Yeest no! -- Exodus 12 9 Cuuk all sheepz, no yummy raw meet. -- Exodus 12 10 Lik I sez: Taik al U want, but eet all U taik. No leff-overs! srsly -- Exodus 12 11 Oh, an 1 mor thing. Eet faszt, werring all yur cloze. Sounz weerd? Trst mee. -- Exodus 12 12 Oh btw, dat nite, I Ceiling Cat go an off all Egyptians #1 sunz, uv ppl an animables. Even piggz #1 sunz. -- Exodus 12 13 U Israelites sit in yr howsez w sheepz bluud on da doors, I no get U. U all liv. -- Exodus 12 14 Dis event iz noo hollydai! I kalls it Passover. -- Exodus 12 15 Eech yr, U eet bred wid no yeest, or I pwn U. Big tyme. -- Exodus 12 16 an U meet up to sai "Oh hai Ceiling Cat, yr rlly grait - srsly." No 1 wurk thos dayz, unless U in da kitchen LOL. -- Exodus 12 17 Sum ov U muss B stoopid, coz I repeet 2 U. -- Exodus 12 18 Eeach yr, seben dayz, no yeest in Ur bred. -- Exodus 12 19 If U hav yeest in ur bred, den I'm in yur howze, pwning U. -- Exodus 12 20 No gettin owt uv it. No scyooses. Rools be rools, k? -- Exodus 12 21 Moses he sez nao iz tyme for sheepz feest. -- Exodus 12 22 Doan forgit to smeer sheepz bluud on yr doorfraimz. Vry impotent. An stay in. U is howse kittehs tonite. Lok yr catflap shutt. -- Exodus 12 23 U stay in an Ceiling Cat keepz U safe, k? -- Exodus 12 24 Moses sez "U do all dis, not chust tonite -- Exodus 12 25 but also aftr we get to teh promisd litter box. -- Exodus 12 26 Then ur kittens goinna axskx U Y kittehs hav dese roolz. -- Exodus 12 27 U tellz teh kittens uv yr litterz itz Passover!" Den Moses STFU an teh Israelite kittehs prayzz Ceiling Cat. -- Exodus 12 28 Israel kittehs folloz da roolz. -- Exodus 12 29 Itz midnitez an all hell braiks loos! All teh #1 sunz of Egypt go "Blargh I am ded". -- Exodus 12 30 All uv Egypt cry'n'cry. -- Exodus 12 31 Dat nite, Pharaoh sez 2 Moses n Aaron "All Israel GTFO uv Egypt nao srsly. -- Exodus 12 32 Taikx ur animables 2 in dair flox. An say Hi to Ceiling Cat for me, k?" -- Exodus 12 33 Egyptians say 2 Isaelites "OMFG! go afore we all goz 'Blargh' ". -- Exodus 12 34 So Israelites grab dair bred an karri it wif dem. -- Exodus 12 35 An Israel kats asxkx Egyptians "btw we can has yr bling?" -- Exodus 12 36 Dey get goald an silber bling frum Egyptians. Ceiling Cat fixd it guud. -- Exodus 12 37 Da Isaelitez GTFO from Rameseseseseses to Succoth (dat mean BOOTHS) bout 600,000 d00dz on foot, not counting lil kittehs. -- Exodus 12 38 N a Meow Mix bunch o peepz GTFO wit dem 2, n lots o moocows n sheeples n goatse n stuff, flocks n herds. -- Exodus 12 39 N dey maked nasty matzoh bred wif no yeest frum the no-yeest dough dey tookened outta Egypt cuz de wuz told to GTFO uf Egypt (but u knewz dat, rite?) n cood not delay; n dey can haz no provisions cuz Ceiling Cat no told Mosez n Aaron to tell dem to get ready but ya think dey wudda got a cloo n dun it demselves afta the 5th plague ya kno? O well. -- Exodus 12 40 Da Israelitz wuz in Egypt 430 yearz; -- Exodus 12 41 at da end uf doze 430 yearz like to the nanosecond cuz da Ceiling Cat iz superanal dat way, all da ranks uf Ceiling Cat GTFO uf Egypt's sandbox. -- Exodus 12 42 N 4 Ceiling Cat it wuz nite of watchinz; dat same nite iz Ceiling Catz, a nite to stay up n no sleepz 4 all kittehs uf Israelz. -- Exodus 12 43 K n Ceiling Cat sez 2 Moses n Aaron: Dis is law uf passovah treatsies: No furriner can has cheezburger wit choo. -- Exodus 12 44 But ne slavez u bot can has cheezburger wit choo after u cut off hiz 4skin YEOWTCH! -- Exodus 12 45 No contracturz n no day laborerz n nobuddy who say WILL WORK 4 FOOD can haz cheezburger wit choo. -- Exodus 12 46 U can haz cheezburger in 1 house only, no to-go orders plz. No breakingz itz bonz eithur. -- Exodus 12 47 All U peepz uf Israel shall has cheezburger. -- Exodus 12 48 If n a furriner who livz wit choo DO WANT cheezburger wit Ceiling Cat, all uf his d00dz must cut off dere 4skinz; den he can has cheezburger; he get citizenshipz. But no d00dz wit da 4skinz can has cheezburger. -- Exodus 12 49 But dere iz 1 law 4 da citizenz n da peepz wit da green kards 2. -- Exodus 12 50 N all da Israelites did dat; as Ceiling Cat commanded Moses n Aaron, dey did dat. If dat still not kleer go back n read it gain K? -- Exodus 12 51 N dat very day Ceiling Cat let the Israelites GTFO Egypt, troop by troop. -- Exodus 12 1 K so Ceiling Cat still yakkin at Moses n he sez 2 him he sez -- Exodus 13 2 "I wantz all ur 1stborn, d00dz n beasties, da 1st thingz dat cum outta wombs iz mine, kthxbai." -- Exodus 13 3 N Moses sez to his peepz, "Blog dis day dat u GTFO uf Egypt, dat nasty sandbox nobuddy ever scoopened; how Ceiling Cat helped u GTFO wif mighty paw: no yeesty bred u can haz. -- Exodus 13 4 U GTFO on dis day in munth uf Abib. -- Exodus 13 5 So when Ceiling Cat has brunged u into sandbox uf Canaanites, Hitties, Amorites, Hivites n Jebusites, which He sez 2 ur daddiez dat u can haz, land flowing wit milk n hunny n cheezburgerz U shall do dis: -- Exodus 13 6 7 daze u can has only nasty icky matzoh bred n on 7th day u can haz partie 4 Ceiling Cat. -- Exodus 13 7 Jus so U unnerstanz cuz I no u peepz like loopholz: 4 all 7 daze nasty unleavened matzoh u can haz; yeesty normal bred u no can eetz; no can haz regular bred wif choo n no can has it on ur landz -- Exodus 13 8 N U shall splain 2 ur sonz on dat day "Itz cuz Ceiling Cat did all dis stuff 4 me when I GTFO uf Egypt, dat's worth a week uf eatzin nuttin but matzoh what make u constipatined." -- Exodus 13 9 N dis will be like a note writenz on ur paw n on ur 4head--so dat de lessinz uf Ceiling Cat be in ur mouf--dat wif mightee paw Ceiling Cat let u GTFO Egyptz. -- Exodus 13 10 U will do diz evvy year OR ELSE! -- Exodus 13 11 But wait, derez more! N when Ceiling Cat brungz u into sandbox uf Canaanites, n he will cuz he promissed u n ur daddiez, n sez U can haz it, -- Exodus 13 12 u setz apart for Ceiling Cat da first isshoo uf every womb: every boy firstborn dat ur moocowz drop is Celing Cat's. -- Exodus 13 13 But evvy first-born donkee u haf to give me a sheep 2 get it back or u haf 2 breaks its neck till itz ded. N u haf 2 redeem ur 1stborn boy kittehs 2. -- Exodus 13 14 N when ur boy kittehs growz up n sez "Why U do dat?" u say "Cuz Ceiling Cat helped us GTFO Egypt, the sandbox nobuddy scooped. -- Exodus 13 15 When Pharoah said Uh-uh u no can goez Ceiling Cat pwned evvy 1stborn in Egypt's sandbox, 1stborn uf both d00dz n beesties. So I gif 2 Ceiling Cat evvy first boy of bomb, but redeemz evvy oldest of my boy kittehs. Wake up! I'm still talking to you! -- Exodus 13 16 N so it'll be lilke a big note written in red Sharpies on ur hand n on ur 4head dat wif mighty paw Ceiling Cat sez GTFO Egypt." -- Exodus 13 17 K so when da Pharoah letz da peepz go, Ceiling cat said don go to Philistine land, tho that's closer cuz Ceiling Cat said, "Dem peepz might shit dere pantz if dey sees war n go back 2 Egypt." -- Exodus 13 18 So Ceiling Cat took peeps on scenic root thru Sea of Reeds. The Israelites wuz packin heat out of Egypt. -- Exodus 13 19 N Moses brunged bonez uf Joseph (remember him?) who made kittehs uf Israel do dat, cuz he said "Ceiling Cat will notice if u bringz mah bonz up with choo." -- Exodus 13 20 Dey GTFO Succoth (Booths), n camped out at Etham, near da big wildernez. -- Exodus 13 21 Celing Cat went in front uf dem in a cloud in day, so dey don get lost, n as pillar uf fier at nite so dey can seez where dey goin, so dey cood travel all day n nite. -- Exodus 13 22 Da cloud n da fire did not ditch them to catch a movie. -- Exodus 13 1 Then Ceiling Cat spoked all them werds: -- Exodus 20 2 I iz Ceiling Cat An I iz Top Cat, An I broughted u out of hawt lend wit no cheezbrgrs for hard werk at all -- Exodus 20 3 No can has other ceiling cat!! U gotz other Ceiling Cat, I shoot yous wit mah lazer eyes. -- Exodus 20 4 If u try be Ceiling Cat of any of mai creayshunz up in floaty skai, down in erth or in watr or I shoot yous wit mah lazer eyes. -- Exodus 20 5 If u think faek Ceiling Cat iz Ceiling Cat, I mek u ded An ur children ded An ur children-children ded, for being stupid. -- Exodus 20 6 If not I wuv u An all ur childrenz-childrenz-childrenz! -- Exodus 20 7 U sez Ceiling Cat bad, I shoot yous wit mah lazer eyes, for I dun liek it. Srsly. -- Exodus 20 8 Remembur caturday An keep holy. -- Exodus 20 9 U werk 6 dais An finish werk, K? -- Exodus 20 10 Caturday, u no werk. U An all ur peepz go wrship me. -- Exodus 20 11 I maded heavenz An erth An see An the stuff that does teh funney hoppey stuffz in An on it - so I make it holy cuz I no werk. -- Exodus 20 12 Bez u good to papa An mama so u has long lief. -- Exodus 20 13 U no mek peepz ded! -- Exodus 20 14 U no mek sexxes wit other gurlz or menz than ur wief (so no awsum treesum alowed!). -- Exodus 20 15 U no tek stuffs for free if not getz for free. -- Exodus 20 16 U no tell bad stuff about ur neibor. -- Exodus 20 17 U no wantz neibor stuff! No wief, no gurlz, no menz, no animulz, NO BUKKITZ! NOT YOURS. -- Exodus 20 18 When peepz see mai great orkestr wit thundr An all cool speshul effects thei wur scardy wimps -- Exodus 20 19 Thei sed to Moses 'U goez speek to uz An we will listen; but Ceiling Cat will shoot us wit its lazer eyes!' -- Exodus 20 20 Moses LOLled lotz, An a bit moar, for thei wuz such wimps, An sed 'Ceiling Cat no mek u ded; he just wantz to haef vun wit u gais An maek u scaredy cats so u obei him.' -- Exodus 20 21 But peepz wur still wimps An let Moses go ther to Ceiling Cat. -- Exodus 20 22 Ceiling Cat sez "Tellz them wimpies: 'U see I spoked to u from heavenz. -- Exodus 20 23 U no mek me of silvar or goldz. -- Exodus 20 24 U mek me altar of erth An gif me pwnz0rzed animulz ther An I gif u cheezburgr. -- Exodus 20 25 But u no maek me altar of bjutiful stonez. DO NOT WANT! -- Exodus 20 26 An u no use steps on altar or I can see ur penises. DO NOT WANT!" -- Exodus 20 1 Lissen up my peeps, theez r how u bee judjn ahn them. -- Exodus 21 2 If yu bye Heeb servint, six yrs yu getz servd: an in teh sebbenth he iz holla'n, 'freedum!' -- Exodus 21 3 If he bee on hiz ohn, he leaf ahn hiz ohn: if he wuz maryd, hiz wyf go wif him. -- Exodus 21 4 If hiz mastah haz givn wyf too him, an if she haz kitnz thankz to slayv; wyf an kitnz iz pwn3d by mastah, an slayv betta gowai. O, SNAPZ! -- Exodus 21 5 An if servint sez, O noes! I luv mastah, wyf an kitnz; kin ai haz fambly? -- Exodus 21 6 Hiz mastah shall bringz him to judgz; he shall alsoh bringz him to doar, or doar post; an mastah shall jam icepik thru eer; an mastah getz servd 4evah by slayv, so noes talkn back biatch. -- Exodus 21 7 An if cat selz hiz doter 2 b maydservint, she shall not goez out az teh menservintz duhz. -- Exodus 21 8 If she sez 'iz it in yet???' to mastah, who iz maryd too her, then he shall letz her bee redeemd: noez sellin' her to strayng nashun jus cuz he cain't git it up. -- Exodus 21 9 An if he iz maryn her to hiz sun, he shall deal wif her lik if she wuz a doter. -- Exodus 21 10 If he take anotha wyf; her Meow Mix, her furz, an her duty to PENIS GOEZ WHERE???, shall he nawt diminsh. -- Exodus 21 1 If u take my cow or sheep and kil it or sell it, can i has 5 cow heads r 4 sheep? thx. -- Exodus 22 2 If u brake in my house and i killz u, i is no error, -- Exodus 22 3 unless its morning. Then i is error. U must pay me bak, unless u haz no cookiez, then i sell u. -- Exodus 22 4 If u still haz my animal, u be giv me 2. -- Exodus 22 5 If ur cowz eat my grass, can i haz more grass? -- Exodus 22 6 If u start a fire, giv me cookies. -- Exodus 22 7 If i lend my frend cookies, the n00b who stealz mah cookies will pay back double. -- Exodus 22 8 If i no find teh n00b, i check if my frehnd didn't eat mah cookies. -- Exodus 22 9 If we both be say "these be mah cookies," teh almighteh judges decide. -- Exodus 22 10 If mah cookies magicly disapeer after i gives them 2 u, -- Exodus 22 11 then u must sware to Ceiling Cat that u no ate them. -- Exodus 22 12 But if u DID ate them, can i has more cookies? -- Exodus 22 13 If a wild animalz ate mah cookies, proof it. -- Exodus 22 14 If mah cookies i lent u die when i isnt looking, gimme more cookies. -- Exodus 22 15 If i is there, then u no pay. If u hire mah cookies, then wut u paid makes meh happy. -- Exodus 22 19 U gives teh bests stuffs to teh Ceiling Cat. U no can haz cheezburgr. -- Exodus 23 9 Den went up Mosez, an Aaron, an Abihu, an all seventy elderly kittehs ov Israel. -- Exodus 24 10 An teh Ceiling Cat ov Israel peeked out from teh ceiling: an thar wuz undr his paws as it wuz a pavd werk ov sapfire stone, an as it wuz teh body ov heaven in his clearnes. -- Exodus 24 11 An upon teh noble kittehs of teh children ov Israel he laid not his pawz. Also they saw Celing Cat, and did eat cheezburgerz an cookiez. -- Exodus 24 1 An teh Ceiling Cat sez unto Moses, Shoo! an skat, yo an yo budz hu came from hiz Hood, unto the hood wat I handz to Abe, Zak and Jakey-boi sai – ur base r belong to u an tehy. -- Exodus 33 2 An I iz gun sendin Angels an stuf b4 urselfs; an I is shooin Cataanites, teh Amorites an such. All of tehy ebil fules. -- Exodus 33 3 To a land flowin wiv milk an Cheezburgr an stuf: I wunt put teh Cat amung teh pidgins; coz uz all aholes: I mite p0wn thous all by like teh axident. -- Exodus 33 4 An wen teh peeps heered teh ebilness, tehy did catterwall: an no Cat did bling hisself up. -- Exodus 33 5 An Ceiling Cat dun sez at Moses, sai to ur peeps, ur all aholes: Iz gunna pop caps in yo azzez, an eat ur cheezburgrs an stuf: unbling urselfs, so I can no ur fates. -- Exodus 33 6 An teh peeps did unbling tehyselfs on a hill or such. -- Exodus 33 7 An moses taked teh tabbynacle, an did erect (lulz) it awai from teh peeps an did call tehy all unto it or stuf. An all tehy lukin 4 teh Ceiling Cat went at teh Big Tent thingy. -- Exodus 33 1 An Ceiling Cat say 'Mosus, I be too lazyz to be rytin on stownz so yooz hamz my wordz on da stownz'. -- Exodus 34 2 In morningz prezentz yourselfz to Ceiling Cat on topz the litter mount. But if I asleepz den juss keep prezenting. -- Exodus 34 3 An let nonez be coming along tu, an no flockz or herdz can eatz befor Ceiling Cat eatsez. -- Exodus 34 26 U gives teh bests stuffs to teh Ceiling Cat. U no can haz cheezburgr. -- Exodus 34 1 And teh Ceiling Cat came to M0ses an sez -- Exodus 40 2 Teh firrst month, teh firrst day of teh month, you make a tabernacle of teh testimony kthankx -- Exodus 40 3 An den yew put teh ark in it and teh veil before -- Exodus 40 4 An den I can has you put in a table and some rite things. And den yew lite sum candles, for prettiness -- Exodus 40 5 And hang teh testimony, ova sum gold an incense so I looks bling and smells pretty -- Exodus 40 6 An den yew add an alter to teh holocaust -- Exodus 40 7 Put water in betweens for mi pet crocodiles -- Exodus 40 8 Den yew hang more stuff. Ceiling Cat is hard to pleaz -- Exodus 40 9 Den add oil! Ceiling Cat loves teh oilz -- Exodus 40 10 Did I menshion I haz a holocaust alter? -- Exodus 40 11 Oilz make shit holy, put sum on teh altars feet kthanx. -- Exodus 40 12 Go gets Aaron and his cru and wash them! -- Exodus 40 13 Then givez them clothes coz no-one wants yew to look at their nekkidness. Then they be priests! -- Exodus 40 14 An den M0ses did all dat coz he is a n00b -- Exodus 40 15 He set about workin on itz -- Exodus 40 16 He set up sum sockets coz he had amazing electric p0werz -- Exodus 40 17 He put on a roof to show he woz not such a n00b -- Exodus 40 18 Den he moved shit in -- Exodus 40 19 Holy shit! He fitted teh arkz in there! -- Exodus 40 27 M0ses killz sum aminals -- Exodus 40 28 He made Ceiling Cat's moat an Ceiling Cat put pet crocodiles in der. -- Exodus 40 29 Den M0ses, Aaron & his cru took a bath together but couldn't kiss coz that makes Ceiling Cat mad -- Exodus 40 30 Den they walked to teh alter -- Exodus 40 31 M0ses made everything perfect with his amazing design skillz -- Exodus 40 32 Den a hair-ball came and Ceiling Cat filled teh tabernacle -- Exodus 40 33 M0ses couldn't see Ceiling Cat though coz his fur woz in teh way -- Exodus 40 34 If teh hair woz gone they ran to see invisible Ceiling Cat -- Exodus 40 35 If teh hair woz there, they looked at it -- Exodus 40 36 Teh hairball stayed, Ceiling Cat woz napping -- Exodus 40 1 Teh Ceiling Cat saiz to Mozes, "O hai! Outta ur tabby-nackels, d00dthx. -- Leviticus 1 2 U should go saiz this to Izrulites, for to IM me, Hey Ceiling Cat, I can has stuff:) and liek that, they gotta bring me teh cheezeburgers or other good stuff for impruvin teh conneckshun winkwink." -- Leviticus 1 3 Offurings is liek good an all, buts teh haz to be not flawZord cheezeburger, and you can bringz it to mah front d00rz," saiz teh Ceiling Cat. -- Leviticus 1 4 Youz to put yer pawz on teh cheezeburger, n sai, 'Sarry for the pwnage, but u no how it is an stuff, kthxbai.' -- Leviticus 1 5 N then you is to kill teh Bullock (O NOES! Not teh Sander Bullock! She B hot n all!) in front of us d00dz, n leev teh meesy cheezeburger joocez all ovur teh playce, gross. Iz U retardid? -- Leviticus 1 6 Tehn take its buns off and cutz it up, so for kittehs no choke. -- Leviticus 1 7 But then you are all leik, 'Cheezeburger wai too rair! DO NOT WANT!' So then you mayk a big fire for to grill it up taystee n stuff kthx. -- Leviticus 1 8 Then you, liek, grill it up taystee n stuff kthx. -- Leviticus 1 9 But then thair be pikkulz and onyuns n crap on it! O NOES! BLECH! Tayk that garbajge off and stik it up yr harbl, we iz not amused. Then we can has it now? Kthxyum. -- Leviticus 1 10 But if U wana bring teh donutz or teh ExBockzs, thatz kewl too, but don U be bringin me no trash, Ceiling Cat will run out of happy and kiil ur d00dz. -- Leviticus 1 11 Jest bring it liek norml and throw teh stuff around, liek YAY! ExBockses and donutz n bere! W00T! -- Leviticus 1 12 N then you all divvy up teh loot, ain't it grayt to be churchy and take ppls stuff? HA!!1!! Im in ur cherch, eetin yr foodZ n playin wif ur toyz! Moar plz. -- Leviticus 1 13 But then you notise some joker brought copy of Zero Wing, and that suckz, so plz to thro away for graet justise. Then U eat and play kthx. -- Leviticus 1 14 An hey, Ceiling Cat lieks teh chikin too dont forgit! -- Leviticus 1 15 Jest make sure itz ded and crispy, raw chikin iz gross and makses us frow up. -- Leviticus 1 16 No fethurz neether! R U DUM?! -- Leviticus 1 17 Look, ur doin it rong, jest get teh 16 peece Xtra Crispy Bucket, with the taytoes and gravy and biskitz, and teh mac n' chz, kthx? What? O ya, Ceiling Cat iz happy, sure yumyum, srsly." -- Leviticus 1 1 U bringin teh cheezburgerz for us - um, the Ceiling Cat I meen? O kewlthx. It bettr b a good cheezburgerz, hot n' fresh n' greezy and not smelling liek ass, or u in big trubble! Srsly, I kepe tellen u. -- Leviticus 2 2 Have we menchund how much we luv - oh, I meen Ceiling Cat, lurvs teh cheezburgerz? -- Leviticus 2 3 Oh, u guys ken have sum too. I'm cool liek taht u know. -- Leviticus 2 4 Maek shoor u do it rite. Twoo all-beff pattehs, -- Leviticus 2 5 Speshul sawce, -- Leviticus 2 6 Lettiss, -- Leviticus 2 7 Cheez, -- Leviticus 2 8 Pikkuls, -- Leviticus 2 9 Onyuns, -- Leviticus 2 10 On teh sessum-seed bunz. Yahs, I kno wuts gud. -- Leviticus 2 11 DO NOT WANT teh yeests! Or hunny! Leeve taht crap for teh Pooh-bear. We - oopies - Ceiling Cat dont liek thems. -- Leviticus 2 12 But dont be grillin teh good ornjes an nanners an appulz, we can jus has them raw. -- Leviticus 2 13 BLECH. Pass teh lost shaker of salt, teh cheezburger of paradice is bland. This am sorta lame buffett. -- Leviticus 2 14 Hey, I no! Bring the Duritos Kewl Ranch, for to eet wif r burgerz n fr00tz. -- Leviticus 2 15 Moar of teh speshul sawce for mine, plzkthx. -- Leviticus 2 16 And bern a littul of it wif teh josstickz, jes to B spooky n weerd, so's teh ppls bring us moar f00dz or else Ceiling Cat give them teh hurpeez ha ha, kthx. Put teh leffovers in teh fridge, for we can has later. -- Leviticus 2 1 And if dis be a cheezeburger of peace, for to say to Aaron's d00dz, liek, "Sorry for breakin ur internetz and skratchin up ur cowch," or tings of dat naycher, it better B awsum cheeseburger, d00d. Leik teh best k? Yoo've alreddy pissed us off wif ur assholery, dont mayk it wurse by bringin teh lame crap too. We's tite wif teh Ceiling Cat, he'll r00n ur day fer sher. -- Leviticus 3 2 And y'ull bring teh bag of cheezeburgerz it to the frunt d00r and taik one, and skweez teh cheezeburger jooces all ovur teh place liek a big fr00t. -- Leviticus 3 3 Tehn maik sher teh fire is good n' stokt, for teh kittehs to warm ther harbls. And bern that skwooshd burger, but Ceiling Cat DO NOT WANT no toemaytoes, iz gross kthx. -- Leviticus 3 4 Find out hoo orderd what frum teh cheezburgr man, so that them that dont leik teh pikkuls wont get teh pikkuls, -- Leviticus 3 5 And them that dont liek teh onyuns wont get teh onyuns, we can has now kthx yumyum. -- Leviticus 3 6 And if teh donutz wif sprinkles an ExBockses be ur wai of sayin "Sorry for breakin ur internetz and skratchin up ur cowch," or moar of ur weerd pissin'-us-offness, then dont be a laim cheepsteak, they bettr B teh jely-fild and it bettr B teh TreeSiksy ExBock wif teh hedset for snipin ur d00dz an pwnin ur n00bs. -- Leviticus 3 7 And it bettr hav all teh peeces too, or ur goin to teh Best Buyz, dumy. -- Leviticus 3 8 Huk it up all nise an neet and frow all teh xtra parts around, speshly teh dum papurz an manyuls. Thems fer teh nurdz an n00bs, srsly. -- Leviticus 3 9 Hay! Pick teh sessum seeds offa mai cheezburger, thay get caugt in mai teefs kthx. -- Leviticus 3 10 BLECH! U want mai pikkuls? DO NOT WANT after all, sorythx. -- Leviticus 3 11 Is OK, d00d. We kewl now. Full of teh donutz and burgerz, seepy-seeps time now kthx. -- Leviticus 3 12 D00d! Hoo braught teh gote? DO NOT WANT! He's eetin all teh burgerz and donutz! O NOES! -- Leviticus 3 13 U R teh suck, d00d. Kleen all dis gote-p00p up off teh flor and tayke ur ass bak to wair u caim frum. Srsly. Not funy. -- Leviticus 3 14 Kin u bleeve that guy? Bringin a gote in r cherch-tent-thing? -- Leviticus 3 15 I dont want mai pikkuls either. U eet them? -- Leviticus 3 16 Ew, this playce is trashd. We can has bonfire? -- Leviticus 3 17 We gots all kindsa r00lz, d00d. Watch it, we'll mess up ur day. Ceiling Cat saiz so. Chek urself for u dont reck urself. Kthxbai. -- Leviticus 3 1 Ceiling cat sez to Moses -- Leviticus 4 2 tell ur d00dz: "If tehy get INVISIBLE ERROR n not know whry (must be windows) or dided stuff I sed tehy not can do:" -- Leviticus 4 3 "If a kitteh gets INVISIBLE ERROR, he gotta gived me a pretty moocow with harbol, -- Leviticus 4 4 n he haz 2 say 'Yo Ceiling Cat, SUP? U can has my pretty moocow wif harbol', tehn he haz to putted his hand teh moowcow's hed n maek it ded. -- Leviticus 4 5 tenn takes a bukket of moocow juice into teh cardboard box, -- Leviticus 4 6 tehn he moost putted hiz finger into teh juice n flickit seben(7) timez on teh curtian 'o scratchin. -- Leviticus 4 7 n tehn putted some on teh hornz of teh altar 'cause Ceiling Cat lekes teh smell. Tenh he pourz the rest of teh bukket all ovar teh front of teh altar. -- Leviticus 4 8 Ceiling cat DO NOT WANT fat, makeit go away. -- Leviticus 4 9 I mean all teh fat, even teh fats on teh kidniez n liverz. -- Leviticus 4 10 samez as Leviticus_3#3 K?. -- Leviticus 4 11 buts the skinz n feets n gutz, -- Leviticus 4 12 U burnz in the clean ash pyle outside, srsly, KTHX" -- Leviticus 4 13 if use all gets INVISIBLE ERROR, even if use gots noes clues, Use all pwnd. -- Leviticus 4 14 whun U gets clues, use all gatta bring a babi moocow (wif harbol), to teh cardboard box. -- Leviticus 4 15 all teh olds d00dz putted handz on teh head 'o teh moocow (wif harbol) n meak it teh ded. -- Leviticus 4 16 tehn ur kitteh, getz a bukket of juice, n teak it into the cardboard box. -- Leviticus 4 17 kitteh, flikr juice 7 timez on the curtian 'o scratchin -- Leviticus 4 18 n pour bukket on hornz of altar n teh rest at teh base. -- Leviticus 4 19 Ceiling cat DO NOT WANT fat, maek it dissapearz. -- Leviticus 4 20 n do teh same as Leviticus4:9, tehn kitteh maek all cool n noone getz eated. -- Leviticus 4 21 tehn teak teh gooey parts n do teh same as Leviticus4:9, K? tehn U OK, srsly." -- Leviticus 4 22 "When ur hed d00d getz INVISIBLE ERROR, he be pwnd. -- Leviticus 4 23 whun he getz clue, he gotta bring goat(wif harbol n pretty) -- Leviticus 4 24 he gotta putted hiz handz on it's hed n meak it ded where tehy burned tet others. -- Leviticus 4 25 tehn teh kitteh teaks a bukket of goat juice n smoosh it on teh hornz of d altar, teh rest of teh bukket goes on teh foots of teh altar. -- Leviticus 4 26 Ceiling Cat DOES WANT fat this time, putted it on teh alter and burnned it (smells gud 2 ceiling cat). Then Ceiling cat will not eated teh hed d00d. -- Leviticus 4 27 if 1 of ur d00ds gets INVISIBLE ERROR, even wif no clue, he be pwnd. -- Leviticus 4 28 Whun He gets clue, he got bring pretty goat (no harbol required). -- Leviticus 4 29 he gotta putted hiz handz on it's hed n meak it ded where tehy burned teh others. -- Leviticus 4 30 tehn teh kitteh teaks a bukket of goat juice n smoosh it on teh hornz of d altar, teh rest of teh bukket goes on teh foots of teh altar. (soundz teh same eh?) -- Leviticus 4 31 Ceiling Cat DOES WANT fat this time, putted it on teh alter and burnned it (smells gud 2 ceiling cat). Then Ceiling cat will not eated teh d00d. -- Leviticus 4 32 "U can bring a gurl sheepz (no harbol), but sheeze gotta be pretty. -- Leviticus 4 33 he gotta putted hiz handz on it's hed n meak it ded where tehy burned tet others. -- Leviticus 4 34 tehn teh kitteh teaks a bukket of goat juice n smoosh it on teh hornz of d altar, teh rest of teh bukket goes on teh foots of teh altar. (soundz teh same eh?) -- Leviticus 4 35 Ceiling Cat DOES WANT fat this time, putted it on teh alter and burnned it (smells gud 2 ceiling cat) Then Ceiling cat will not eated teh, kitteh (uhhh whut?) -- Leviticus 4 1 And if pplz thinkz of steelin mah cheezburger, is wtf n00b, I is gonna PWNED u lolz. -- Leviticus 5 2 And if sumone toucheded teh smelleh stuff he is smelly and no get cheezburger. -- Leviticus 5 3 And if he toucheded sumone who no shower he becomes stinky, lyke omg srysly. -- Leviticus 5 4 And if he sez he is steelin bucket he also no get cheezburger, kthx. -- Leviticus 5 5 If he stealz mah cheezburger he has to sez so, MAH STEELIN CHEEZBURGER: LET ME SHOW YOU THEM. -- Leviticus 5 6 And he has to bring Ceiling Cat a largeder cheezburger. -- Leviticus 5 7 If he cantz bring largeder mebbe 2 medium size cheezburger, is ok, srysly. -- Leviticus 5 8 And he shallz brings them to Ceiling Cats d00d and sez "O hai, I bringz you cheezburger, dont PWNED me! Kthx." -- Leviticus 5 9 Then Ceiling Cat will eat cheezburger, n sumtimes mebbe he share, lolz. -- Leviticus 5 10 And if they give Ceiling Cat second Cheezburger and he sez, omg cant eat no moar, so is ok, kthx. -- Leviticus 5 1 Nadab an Abihu litted they sensas on fiah, an smellies, an gived it to Ceiling Cat. Ceiling Cat was laik: “DO NOT WANT”. -- Leviticus 10 2 Ceiling Cat eated them. -- Leviticus 10 3 Moses was laik: “WTG Ceiling Cat! Ceiling Cat rox!” Aaron was laik: “…”. -- Leviticus 10 4 Moses was laik “Mishael an Elzaphan, you gota git yoer rellies outta here.” -- Leviticus 10 5 An they did. -- Leviticus 10 6 Moses was laik: “You noes mak your hed nekid and tear cloes or eles Ceiling Cat will eated u. Ceiling Cat r mighty, all-eating.” -- Leviticus 10 7 “You noes go out elles u gets eated, cuz u gots da holiez oilz on ur hed, srsly.” Tey waz laik, “yeah ok”. -- Leviticus 10 8 Ceiling Cat was laik “Oh hai Aaron,” -- Leviticus 10 9 “Aaron u noes getz drunkz and ur kittehz neither, else u gets eated, srsly.” -- Leviticus 10 10 “Dis r so as u can has knowledge bout holiez an unholiez an cleenz an unkleenz.” -- Leviticus 10 11 “An go an told da Israel kittehs alla mai stuf wat I tolded Moses” -- Leviticus 10 12 Moses was laik, “ Oh hai, Aaron, Eleazar an Ithamar. Get that cheezburger frum Ceiling Cat an eated it cuz it r holiez srsly!” -- Leviticus 10 13 “An u gotsta go sumwere HOLIEZ to eated it cuz Ceiling Cat sez so.” -- Leviticus 10 14 An youse gota eated da cookiez sumweres kleen, all youse kittehs. Cuz its 4 u SRSLY.” -- Leviticus 10 15 “All da cheezburgers an cookiez r belong to youse.” -- Leviticus 10 16 Na wen Moses lookit all aroun 4 da sin gote, it had bene burnded. Moses was laik, “Do Not Want!” -- Leviticus 10 17 “Y for you no eated in da Holiez plais wot r Holiez so you go prey?” -- Leviticus 10 18 “An u dint taik da BLUDZ in da Holiez place neither, Do Not Want u Sinnerz”. -- Leviticus 10 19 Aaron wuz laik, “Ceiling Cat eated da sinners and dere cookiez. Do Not Wanted. Noes can eated cuz I is sads.” -- Leviticus 10 20 Moses sez, “Oh, OK”. -- Leviticus 10 1 Teh Ceiling Cat saiz to Moses and Aaron, -- Leviticus 11 2 "Plz saiz to teh Izrulites: Doodz! To make cheezeburgerz liek awesumly, youz need to use theez: -- Leviticus 11 3 U shuld use animulz wiff hoofz n hornz and goes Moo (beefz cowz! lol). -- Leviticus 11 4 Camelz dont mak teh good cheezeburgerz, wtf u thinkin man?!? -- Leviticus 11 5 Badger burgerz are teh sooper-gross 2!!! -- Leviticus 11 6 Wunce, I tryz bunnyz-burgerz, but tehy haz a flavor and it no r gud:(. -- Leviticus 11 7 Pigz r not for cheezeburgerz, unless they r teh BACON Cheezeburgerz lol. -- Leviticus 11 8 If u eated NE of theez burgrz, ur doin it rong wai u eated nasty cheezeburgerz? lol, u frow up now. -- Leviticus 11 9 Okiez, if u no can has wantz cheezeburgerz (wtf, y, r u hai?) maybez u wantz feeshez instead? -- Leviticus 11 10 Fine, u go to teh Macdonaldz and u can has feel-lay (lol) O feesh sandy-wich. -- Leviticus 11 11 Eeew, y u want shrimp basketz? It r BLECH, trust me. -- Leviticus 11 12 It r serously DO NOT WANT. -- Leviticus 11 13 O hay, go bai KFC, wen y go, kthx. -- Leviticus 11 14 But dont get orijinal reshpy, get teh x-tra krispee! -- Leviticus 11 15 Doodz, reely, only eatz teh chikenz. -- Leviticus 11 16 No eated teh eagulz or owlz plz. -- Leviticus 11 17 O RLY? -- Leviticus 11 18 Y RLY! -- Leviticus 11 19 Also, batz for baseballz lol, not for can has eatingz. -- Leviticus 11 20 O hay, so lemme tell u aboutz bugz: -- Leviticus 11 21 Criket = DEELISHIOUS -- Leviticus 11 22 Grasshoppa = MOAR DEELISHIOUS -- Leviticus 11 23 Beetulz = BLECH -- Leviticus 11 24 If u eet teh nasty thingz, yur teh stoopit. -- Leviticus 11 25 We - O I mean Ceiling Cat demands u take bath now, k? -- Leviticus 11 26 Lol, dont be eeting othercatz harblz. -- Leviticus 11 27 That iz st00pid. -- Leviticus 11 28 I meen, serously, y u no eet cheezeburgerz noob? -- Leviticus 11 29 O yah, evan tho we iz catz, u no can has ratz-burgerz eithur. -- Leviticus 11 30 U no can eated teh gecko on the TVz eithur, he can has save u monies on car inshurance. -- Leviticus 11 31 Oh noes! Who iz noob that spilled cheezeburgerz on floor??? -- Leviticus 11 32 U gots teh speshul saucez all ovar mai new shirt! U go wash it now cuz no shooz, no shirtz, no cheezeburgerz. -- Leviticus 11 33 If teh cheezeburgerz falls into toilet, forgetz it dood. -- Leviticus 11 34 Toilet cat wunce tellz me that, 'It are still deelishus,' but I think it are BLECH. -- Leviticus 11 35 Also, plz to be carefullz with teh cheezeburgerz! -- Leviticus 11 36 Just eets them rite away, k? lol. -- Leviticus 11 37 Wtf man, we order friez with that! -- Leviticus 11 38 We Ceiling cat no eet cheezeburgerz that have touched ONYUN RINGZ, BLECH. -- Leviticus 11 39 Wash yur pawz before eeting teh Cheezeburgerz noob. -- Leviticus 11 40 I meen, I iz watching u fap wiff teh same pawz!!! -- Leviticus 11 41 O yah, like I sayz before: no can has cheezeburgerz that fell on teh floor! -- Leviticus 11 42 Ceiling cat sayz ther are no ten second rulez, lol. -- Leviticus 11 43 U eated cheezeburgerz off floorz? Lol, u r so ded, u noob! -- Leviticus 11 44 I am teh Ceiling cat, so be respektable when u can has cheezeburgerz. -- Leviticus 11 45 I am teh Ceiling cat, who watches u fap. So u shuld be happy I no post piktures on interwebz, lol! -- Leviticus 11 46 Dese R da roolz abt all teh animables -- Leviticus 11 47 Teh wunz U can eet, an cannot eet. O fine, u can has cheezeburgr now." -- Leviticus 11 1 So ceiling cat sez to moses an aaron hai and they sez to him hai -- Leviticus 12 2 an he sez to them abt no-hands disease wat is makes hands fall off and is calld leprosy nd celing cat sez wen cat is has fur shaved off and is nekkid and u cn see scab or brite spot on skin liek no-hands cats then cat mus be took 2 aaron who is preest or to his sonz who is preeest also -- Leviticus 12 3 an preest shal sai tht it is no-hands curs and then th cat wil hav no cheezburg. -- Leviticus 12 4 an if th preest sez tht is not no-hands curs then th cat mus hav no cheezburgz for seben daiz and is stay in cat-box -- Leviticus 12 5 nd if afta seben dais is not no-hands curs then the cat mus stay in cat-box -- Leviticus 12 6 notha seben days also an if th scab is not wite then it is jus be scab an not no-hands curs and th cat is can has cheezburgr! -- Leviticus 12 7 but if th scab is maided bigger afta he is seen th preest for makin cleen then he shal be seen by th preest agen also an -- Leviticus 12 8 if th preest is sez oh hai u is has no-hands curs then cat is for definite has no-hands curs an he is has no cheezburgr. -- Leviticus 12 47 OK so liek if threads iz havin mildews -- Leviticus 13 48 or anyting iz havin mildewz -- Leviticus 13 49 and if mildewz iz greens or redz, den must be showed to priest of Ceiling Cat. -- Leviticus 13 50 Den Mr. Priest hidesez it under bucket 4 7 dais. -- Leviticus 13 51 Den de Preezt looks at de mildewz again. If it haz growed, den dat cloth is uncleen. -- Leviticus 13 52 Den de Preezt is liek "I can haz fier?" and burnzez de clothz. -- Leviticus 13 53 But if de Preezt is liek "omg mildewz no haz spread" -- Leviticus 13 54 den de objekt is washed (oh noes!) n stuffs n put under bucket again. -- Leviticus 13 55 den he luks at mildewz again. if mildew is same color or haz same flavor den preezt iz liek "I can haz fire?" and burnzez clothz. Even if rotz iz on front or backz. srsly. -- Leviticus 13 56 But den if de mildews flavor is changez den priest voids ur warranty and rips out of clothz. den u haz invizible mildews! -- Leviticus 13 57 But den if de mildews is visiblez again, burnzez. -- Leviticus 13 58 or give de clothz a bath (oh noes again!) and see if u gets invisible clothz. den it iz srsly cleen. -- Leviticus 13 59 dat iz de way Ceiling Cat decidez how 2 talk bout mildewz. -- Leviticus 13 19 When u chick cats has all that bleedin and stuff u be off limits in mah book for at least seven days! If I touches you, I be unclean. -- Leviticus 15 20 Teh cat bed and teh back of teh sofa be all unclean and stuff if u sleeps therr when youz bleedin. -- Leviticus 15 21 If I touches u cat bed then I gotsta lick mahself all clean again. -- Leviticus 15 22 If I touches teh back of teh sofa I gotsta take a baf too. -- Leviticus 15 23 Srsly, watever u touches is all yucky and we gotsta get clean if we touches it too. -- Leviticus 15 24 If we, liek, does it when youz bleedin and ah touches it or sumthin, I be havin to wash in liek bleech or sumthin. -- Leviticus 15 25 And then sumtiems u bleeds other tiems too and thats gross too. -- Leviticus 15 26 And you get all teh good sleepin spots dirty again. -- Leviticus 15 27 Then I cant sleepz on teh sofa liek I wants cuz u toucheded it! -- Leviticus 15 28 Then I gotsta wait longer cuz u still seem all dirty and stuff even when it stops. -- Leviticus 15 29 U gotsta do some nanimal sacrifice or sumthin to make up for it. -- Leviticus 15 30 Thats just gross and stuff. -- Leviticus 15 31 Us guy cats gotsta stay awai from u chicks when youz bleedin cuz Ceiling Cat sayz so. -- Leviticus 15 32 But he also saidz that if I busts a harball I gets unclean and thats just whack but thats wat Ceiling Cat sayz. -- Leviticus 15 1 And ceiling cat sed, "Oh hai Mozus," -- Leviticus 18 2 U sez unto teh kittehz uv Izreeul, u sez: "I are teh CEILING CAT, teh mos L337 r00lz0rz!!!!!1!1one11! -- Leviticus 18 3 Dose guyz in teh eejipt, whar u wuz at, DO NOT WANT u for do dat. In teh Canaan, whar u be go to, DO NOT WANT u for do dat too. Kthxbai. -- Leviticus 18 4 Do whut I sez, cuz I am teh r00lzors, teh moar CEILING CAT. -- Leviticus 18 5 Lets do coke! -- Leviticus 18 6 No can has teh secks wif teh fambily. I are teh CEILING CAT. -- Leviticus 18 7 No can dis ur daddy n has teh secks wif ur mommy. She iz mommy, no secks wif hur. -- Leviticus 18 8 No can has teh secks wif ur daddy's hoez, dat dis ur daddy. -- Leviticus 18 9 No can has teh secks wif ur sister. No iz okai for teh beej. Srry. -- Leviticus 18 10 No can has teh secks wif da kitteh uf ur kitteh. I are watching you masturbate. -- Leviticus 18 11 No can has teh heej from teh cuzins. Srry. -- Leviticus 18 12 No can has teh secks wif teh auntie. -- Leviticus 18 13 No cans get teh beej wif auntie too. Srry. -- Leviticus 18 14 No can has teh buttsecks wif teh unkl. He are teh goatse. -- Leviticus 18 15 No can has beej from dawter in law. Well okai maibe sumtimes. -- Leviticus 18 16 No can has teh secks wif ur broes hoes. Dats ur bro d00d! -- Leviticus 18 17 No can has gangbang wif grandma and granddawter. -- Leviticus 18 18 No can has gangbang wif ur hoes sisturz. Is for me. -- Leviticus 18 19 No can get ur harbl wetted when ur hoes has teh bluds in hur harbl. -- Leviticus 18 20 No can has teh fucking in teh dunjun uv yer nayber. -- Leviticus 18 21 No can wank yur harbl in teh fire of teh Molech. I are ceiling cat. I are watching u masturbate. -- Leviticus 18 22 No can has teh buttsecks wif teh mens. (hehe) -- Leviticus 18 23 No can has teh dogsex. No can has fuckings wif teh horse. No can fuck teh goats. Srsly. -- Leviticus 18 24 Guys, you no can has. Teh hoes is myne. -- Leviticus 18 25 If u teks mai hoes, I kik ur azz. -- Leviticus 18 26 Sooo, uz dun can has teh buttsecks, no can has teh dawg fucking. -- Leviticus 18 27 I are on teh ceiling. I cans spunk on u. -- Leviticus 18 28 I spunkd on dose guys. Hehe. -- Leviticus 18 29 Dey DO NOT WANT. -- Leviticus 18 30 OKAI? I are ceiling cat. I are watching u masturbate. -- Leviticus 18 1 Ceiling Kitteh say to Moses -- Leviticus 19 2 "Go says to teh Israelis 'Be excellent cuz I'z Ceiling Kitteh and I'z excellent. -- Leviticus 19 3 Be goods to youz ma and pa, don't work on Sundayz, I IS CEILING CAT. -- Leviticus 19 4 Don't be makin fake gods, plzkthnx? -- Leviticus 19 5 If u makes cheezburger offering to Ceiling Cat make it wifout onions. -- Leviticus 19 6 U gots to eats it that day or teh next but after that u gots to throw it away cuz teh bunz gets soggy -- Leviticus 19 7 And nobody wants soggy cheezburger. DO NOT WANT. -- Leviticus 19 8 If sumbody does eats it, I not responsible, kthnx. Nobody gonna liek u if u eats soggy cheezburger. -- Leviticus 19 9 An den when you has BBQ makes lots and lots of cheezburgers. -- Leviticus 19 10 An no eats all teh Cheetos. Leaves sum for teh homeless kittehs and space alienz. I IZ CEILING CAT. -- Leviticus 19 11 No be steelin' No be lying. No fooling u fwends. -- Leviticus 19 12 No swearing in teh name of Ceiling Cat. I IZ CEILING CAT. -- Leviticus 19 13 No steelin u naybur's X-Box. An pay teh delivery guy. -- Leviticus 19 14 No makin fun o teh deaf peeple or trippin blind peeple, be 'fraid o Ceiling Cat! -- Leviticus 19 15 No makin fun o Judge Judy or Joe Brown cuz theyz good judges cuz they no take no crap. -- Leviticus 19 16 No spreadin rumors even if Louie does has big harballs. No be puttin kittehs in danger. I IZ CEELING CAT. -- Leviticus 19 17 No fiteing in teh back seat wif u brother an no ganging up on u sister. -- Leviticus 19 18 No gettin back at peeples or makin drama. Free luvz to all! I IZ CEILING CAT. -- Leviticus 19 19 Don't screw dees things up: No shackin wif teh dog. No raisin coca AND teh pot in teh same garage. No pleather. -- Leviticus 19 20 If u hookz up wit teh OPP u gots to pay up. No Tu-Pac episodes, tho. -- Leviticus 19 21 Makez offering of cheezburger -- Leviticus 19 22 an it be ok. -- Leviticus 19 23 No eating teh icing off teh cake before teh party. -- Leviticus 19 24 Teh birfday kitteh gets teh icing first. -- Leviticus 19 25 After dat youz can has icing. I IZ CEILING CAT. -- Leviticus 19 26 Cooks teh cheezburger all teh way throo. DO NOT WANT RAW. No crazy voodoo stuffs, kthnx. -- Leviticus 19 27 No mullets or bad sideburns. -- Leviticus 19 28 No emo cutting an no tattoos off teh parlor wall. I IZ CEILING CAT. -- Leviticus 19 29 No hookin' out ur own kids or teh bad mans come to teh nayburhood. -- Leviticus 19 30 Still no workin on teh weekends. I IZ CEILING CAT. -- Leviticus 19 31 No listens to teh Sylvia Browne cuz she will pwn u. I IZ CEILING CAT. -- Leviticus 19 32 Be nice to old kittehs. I IZ CEILING CAT. -- Leviticus 19 33 Be nice to alienz cuz they might has destruct-o beems. -- Leviticus 19 34 Pretend they is u cousin cuz we all alienz sumwear. I IZ CEILING CAT. -- Leviticus 19 35 No exaggerating teh size o u harballs. -- Leviticus 19 36 We all knoes u is lieing. I IZ Ceiling Cat, after all. -- Leviticus 19 37 Do all thees stuffs that I sai. I IZ CEILING CAT." -- Leviticus 19 10 And teh preest who iz teh l33t3st of all teh preests, who got teh speshal hare-jel 4 hiz hed, and teh preestly cloaths 2 ware, muzt not tare them, or sho hiz hed. -- Leviticus 21 11 He muzt not go nere teh ded persens, or get durty evr not evn 4 hiz dAd or m0m. -- Leviticus 21 12 And he iz groundd insid teh preest plaice, and he had bettr not smash it up, becos he haz teh Ceiling Cats speshal hare-jel on him: I am teh Ceiling Cat. -- Leviticus 21 13 And he shall only go with teh chix0r while she iz stil a n00b. -- Leviticus 21 14 He muztnt go with teh MILF or teh divorsed chix or teh r00d g1rl or teh skank, but onle a n00b from hiz own clan 2 be hiz chix0r. -- Leviticus 21 15 So that way hiz kittenz r not teh durty, for I teh Ceiling Cat maik him holey. -- Leviticus 21 16 And Ceiling Cat sez to Mozes, -- Leviticus 21 17 Speek to Aaron, say, If any of yr kittenz is unattraktiv, I duz not want them to serv me teh cheezburgrs. -- Leviticus 21 18 Becos I duz not lieks teh ugle persens, with no eyez, or teh legz that dont go, or teh nose that is not rownd, or with any extra bitz, -- Leviticus 21 19 Or with teh brokken pawz. -- Leviticus 21 20 Or iz teh quasimoddo. or teh mijet, or haz sqinty eyez, or teh acne or teh herpies, or who iz firng teh blanks. -- Leviticus 21 21 Nobode from familly of Aaron teh preest shal bring teh cheezburgrs of teh Ceiling Cat if they r unattraktiv, becos I lieks 2 b servd by attraktiv peepls. -- Leviticus 21 22 I haz cheezburgrs 4 him, both teh ub3r-holey and teh holey. -- Leviticus 21 23 But he muzt not com insid teh curtan, or up 2 teh alter, becos he iz unattraktiv; he durtys my plaicez, that I teh Ceiling Cat haz cleend. -- Leviticus 21 24 And Moses tel it 2 Aaron and Aarons sonz, and 2 all teh childrenz of Israel. -- Leviticus 21 1 An so, teh Ceiling Cat sed to Moses -- Leviticus 22 2 to sai to Aaron an his suns: I are teh Ceiling Cat, an I demnd tat u honr my holi name bai showng propr respekt for the peepol of Israyil, tey broht me cheezburgrs! -- Leviticus 22 3 If u iz drty whn u exxcept cheezburgr for me, I will nu longr let u serv as Preest. -- Leviticus 22 4 If u make mistayk with PENIS GOES WHERE?!, thn u wull not b abel to eat saycrd cheezburgrs. -- Leviticus 22 5 When u is uncleen, then u must tayk baff. But evn when u is cleen, u still not eat cheezburer til no light day. -- Leviticus 22 8 An so, u will not eat stuffs tat r ded, for u weel becom uncleen. So sai teh Ceiling Cat. -- Leviticus 22 9 Teh preests are sposseded to keep mai contmpt. For tehy weel thn be holi. So say teh Ceiling Cat. -- Leviticus 22 1 Hai back! So Ceiling Cat sez to teh feeder 'Mohzes' in teh soft hows in teh playc wif teh big scratchee posts of cynide on teh first day of the second moon of teh second year after teh Israelites left teh BIG litterbox *pant, pant* He says: -- Numbers 1 2 “Do teh counterating of all the Raelites by their clahnz and kittehz, counting the name of every boy feeder. -- Numbers 1 3 Uz and Aaron are to counterating all in Israel who can has guns, those who are 18 twenty years old or older, by their dividings. -- Numbers 1 4 And to help uz there can has a feeder from each tribe, each minz teh alpha and -- Numbers 1 5 teh namez are: -- Numbers 1 6 from Reuben, Elizur kitteh of Shedeur; -- Numbers 1 7 a d00D name Judy. Srsly. -- Numbers 1 8 Z00ar, but he dont have aminals n cajis -- Numbers 1 9 E-lab, liek an internetz kemistree set -- Numbers 1 10 sum othr d00dz frum placez -- Numbers 1 16 Deez be teh hedd peeps ov Izreel -- Numbers 1 17 Moziz and Airon taked dem -- Numbers 1 1 Yaweh sed 2 Moses An Aaron -- Numbers 2 2 "Da bayby kittinz of izrael wil kamp all ova kittins wiv der standardz, wiv da flagz of der daddy-kittinz sleepin-baskitts: and liek, rly far awai frum da meetin tentz" -- Numbers 2 1 Dis is liek wat Aroon n Mozez sed at ze time LOLCAT speaked wif Mozez on LOLCAT mountain. -- Numbers 3 2 De nams ov Aroon and Nadab's lolkitties waz Abihu, Eleazar n Ithamar. -- Numbers 3 3 Thos waz ze nams ov Aroon's lolkitties, ze hi cookie eaters, n waz made into ze mighty cookie eaters. -- Numbers 3 4 Nadab n Abihu liek.. dieded bee4 ze almighty LOLCAT wen zey gave ze LOLCAT choclat chip cookies yoosing (gotta go... to be continued...) -- Numbers 3 1 Ceiling Cat was laik, moses -- Numbers 31 2 pwn teh Midianites for teh j00s so tehy wil laik u. -- Numbers 31 3 so Moses was laik, "Giv teh d00dz laik bfgs n chainsaws n stuf 2 pwn teh lamzor midianites for Ceiling Cat." -- Numbers 31 4 "Send laik i dunno 1K d00dz to fite frm each of teh crewz of Israel." -- Numbers 31 5 So laik 12K d00dz has power-ups 2 100%, laik 1K frm each crew in Israel. -- Numbers 31 6 Moses was laik gtfo n fite ffs, so laik 1K from each crew, w/ Phinehas son of Eleazar, teh preest, who took laik holy stuf w/ him frm church n signal trumpets. -- Numbers 31 7 They fited at Midian, as Ceiling Cat tol Moses, and pwned al teh d00dz. -- Numbers 31 8 Som of teh pwnd d00dz was Evi, Rekem, Zur, Hur and Reba—the five laik hed d00dz of Midian. They also pwned Balaam son of Beor with lvl 141 Blade of Savagery. -- Numbers 31 9 Teh Israelites yoinked all teh Midianite women and goatz and stuf. -- Numbers 31 10 Tehy burns all teh towns n stuf wtf. -- Numbers 31 11 Tehy takes all teh booty + teh ppl n goatz, -- Numbers 31 12 Tehy brings all teh booty + teh ppl n goatz 2 Moses and Eleazar teh priest n teh Israelites @ teh camp on teh planes of Moab, by the Jordan cros from Jericho. -- Numbers 31 13 Moses, Eleazar teh priest and all the big guys was laik wtf. -- Numbers 31 14 Moses were pissed w/ teh mane d00ds taht camed back frm teh fite. -- Numbers 31 15 N moses was laik, "has sav teh chiks?" -- Numbers 31 16 "check it, tohse chiks gived teh clap to Ceiling Cat's ppl wtf" -- Numbers 31 17 "K, so kil teh n00b lttl boyz 2 deth, n kil al teh sluts taht has secks w/ d00dz. DO NOT WANT" -- Numbers 31 18 "But teh lttl girlz taht has no secks w d00dz can liv so u can has pedo secks w tehm n stuf cuz Ceiling Cat is pedo." nfw -- Numbers 31 19 "K anybdy taht kilt anybody or touched anybdy taht kilt anybdy gtfo 4 a weeks. On day 3 n 7, has shower w/ yr slaves. -- Numbers 31 20 Cleen al teh stuf u stoled. Has blud on it ffs lol. -- Numbers 31 21 Then Eleazar the priest was laik, "Ceiling Cat sez if duz not burn, cleen w/ fire. If burns, put on perma pres cycle, fluf dry. -- Numbers 31 22 Gold, silver, bronze, iron, tin, lead, -- Numbers 31 23 N stuf taht burns, put in fire 2 cleen. -- Numbers 31 24 Day 7, wash ur close and u does not smel. Now U can come bak 2 camp 4 cheesburger." -- Numbers 31 1 oh hai I is deutronomy and this is transcripshin of words mozes sed to ppl in the desert. k here they are: -- Deuteronomy 1 2 first I tells u it is 11 days to go from horeb to kadesh cuz of sum montins. 4 sum reson u shud no this. k, now start 4 real: -- Deuteronomy 1 3 On november 1st, 40, mozes was transl8n 4 ceiling cat, cuz ceiling cat wuz tellin ppl what 2 do -- Deuteronomy 1 4 k wait i forgot 2 tell u, but this is after mozes killed some kings that were making him angry. k, no moar intrupshins: -- Deuteronomy 1 5 k wait again, btw they were in a place calld moab (sry). neway, mozes was tellin a story to sum ppl about his advencher with them. mayb they were forgetful, cuz they were there too, even I was there sept i forget so u need to listn to mozes instid, here he is, take it away mozes: -- Deuteronomy 1 6 K, so it starts off when ceiling cat says u guys r on this meowntin 4 too long -- Deuteronomy 1 7 so u can has jurnee and go a diffrint montin. Is called amorites. also u shud go to youfrates river. and even further. just gtfo the montin ffs. -- Deuteronomy 1 8 k so here is a map, and u shud be thankful cuz I am tellin u about ur land. Is yours. Is ur land becuz remember when ceiling cat said ur fathers cud hav this land, so u can has. -- Deuteronomy 1 9 Remember when that happend? ya, i was lik the only one doing any werk at the time. -- Deuteronomy 1 10 except now ceilng cat was watching u guyz do each other LOL so now there is lots of u, so u can do werk -- Deuteronomy 1 11 oh ya and ceilng cat was like LOL u guyz shud do it even moar when u get off the montin. -- Deuteronomy 1 12 i meen srsly i cant do all the werk -- Deuteronomy 1 13 Ok, on with the story. so u can has govermint, and i was said whether it is good or not -- Deuteronomy 1 14 and u were all: kthx -- Deuteronomy 1 15 i mad u a govermint with ur smart doods. -- Deuteronomy 1 16 then i mad a supreem court and said to be fair to everyone, not just ur frends. -- Deuteronomy 1 17 k so i sed to be gud at juging. abd dont be cowrds, ceiling cat will protict u becuz relly he is juging u or something. neway if it is too hard u can just tell me and i will judg it for u. -- Deuteronomy 1 18 so ya, remember that time i mad ur governmint? that was cool. -- Deuteronomy 1 19 k so after i mad ur govermint then we went on the jurnee i was talkin about b4, cuz ceiling cat told us to. we went from horeb to kadesh (this is why i was talkin abut it b4, k so it tooks 11 days). it was prity scary. we went to mont kadesh. sry i forgot to say kadesh is in amorites. is same thing basicaly. -- Deuteronomy 1 20 neway, i was like, 'ok we're here, and ceiling cat is giving u ur land. Yours.' -- Deuteronomy 1 21 and i said 'ceiling cat says 'this is urs.' don't be scard.' -- Deuteronomy 1 22 then u guys wer all 'ok so how r we going to go up the mowtin?' and like 'which cities can we ransack or whatever' and then u were all 'lets send out some guys to chek things out' -- Deuteronomy 1 23 and i said is gud idea. so i got 12 of ur men fro ur tribs. k u guys proly remember this, but neway... -- Deuteronomy 1 24 so they went up in the hills and cheked out the eschol vally. -- Deuteronomy 1 25 they didnt find ne cities but they found sum frut and brot it back and said 'ceiling cat's idea was prety good chek it the frut we finded' -- Deuteronomy 1 26 but then u guys were lazy and thought the montin was too big to clim, even tho i told u ceilng cat ordred u to go up. -- Deuteronomy 1 27 and then u wined about how ceiling cat was trying to kill and u said the ppl in the amorits are going to kill us, that was ceiling cats plan all along. and u sed egypt was way bettr. -- Deuteronomy 1 28 u said 'we cant go up, ther cities HUJE and they will kill us, speshilly becuz Anak ppl are ther.' -- Deuteronomy 1 29 so I sed 'chill out and stop being pussies' -- Deuteronomy 1 30 and I told u 'ceiling cat is going to fight too, just like when he fighted with u in egypt, remember?' -- Deuteronomy 1 31 'and remember when on ur jurnee ceiling cat carried u guys down the montin ffs. i think he can handle this." -- Deuteronomy 1 32 eksept u guys were all 'wait that didnt happen' and 'is he rly going to help?' and u still didnt trust ceiling cat. -- Deuteronomy 1 33 ceiling cat even finded u places to camp and stuf, I meen srsly, dont u remember? -- Deuteronomy 1 34 Ya, but i bet u remembr what happend next: Ceiling cat got pissed off is what happend next. -- Deuteronomy 1 35 he said "then no, u cant has land. Not Yours." -- Deuteronomy 1 36 and he added 'eksept for Caleb who did what i sed.' -- Deuteronomy 1 37 and then he sed even I cant has the land. -- Deuteronomy 1 38 He tells me 'Joshua (is my assistant) can has land instead. Not yours.' -- Deuteronomy 1 39 Ceiling cat sed though that 'ur kids can has the land tho... -- Deuteronomy 1 40 ...but u guys need to gtfo. hows about u tak ur jurnee to the red sea and mak like a tree and leev.' -- Deuteronomy 1 41 Then u guys all chanjd ur mind and were all 'oh shit!! ok we can has fight now, ceiling cat, we r sory, srsly.' -- Deuteronomy 1 42 But ceiling cat was all 'is too late. i is not acceptin ur apologies. if u go fight now u will be pwned cuz i not fightin with u' -- Deuteronomy 1 43 and then lol and behold, u went up neway like a bunch of noobs -- Deuteronomy 1 44 and then u were pwned just lik ceiling cat sed, and they chasd u off the montin (all the way from Seir to Hormah.) -- Deuteronomy 1 45 then u came back and u cried. and u were all 'ceiling cat why u no help us?' but ceiling cat was lik 'duh, i told u i was not going 2 help u' and put u on ignore. -- Deuteronomy 1 46 so u guys stayed in kadesh for awhile not doing anything rly... anyone else think is weird i am telling u what happen to urselves? neway, that's the end of chaptir one. -- Deuteronomy 1 1 K then we turned n went out way frum home liek ceiling cat tole us 2. We went round Mount Seir 4 dayz, cuz we wuz lost. -- Deuteronomy 2 2 An Ceiling Cat talked 2 me, an he sez, -- Deuteronomy 2 3 k, thatz enuff. Go north, -- Deuteronomy 2 4 u will sez hi to ur bros sonz o Esau n Seir; they will be fraidy u. So be careful! -- Deuteronomy 2 5 Do not try to take their bukkit, I gave them that bukkit. -- Deuteronomy 2 6 U can buy cheezburger, but u pay 4 it with a monies. -- Deuteronomy 2 7 I is good ceiling cat 2 u; u can has cheezburger, wut, u want moer? -- Deuteronomy 2 8 So we is good sonz o ceiling cat, we went by dem, sayin, hi bros. An we went 2 Moab. -- Deuteronomy 2 9 An Ceiling Cat sez 2 me, dem Moabites, don't bug 'em. Iz ther bukkit, iz not yr bukkit. -- Deuteronomy 2 10 (O ya btw there used 2 b Emites dere. -- Deuteronomy 2 11 Emites wuz liek Anakites, dey wuz Rephaites, but Moabites called em Emites, so \/\/. -- Deuteronomy 2 12 O an Horites wuz in Seir, but sonz o Esau be takin their bukkit, liek when Ceiling Cat gaev bukkit 2 Israelites.) -- Deuteronomy 2 13 An Ceiling Cat sez, k now cross Zered Valley. So we duz that then. -- Deuteronomy 2 14 An it wuz 38 yrs frum leavin Kadesh Barnea til we xed Zered Valley. Liek Ceiling Cat sez, all fightin menz wuz ded! -- Deuteronomy 2 15 All of em! -- Deuteronomy 2 16 An when the last wun had deid, -- Deuteronomy 2 17 Ceiling Cat sed, k, -- Deuteronomy 2 18 Now goez 2 Moab. -- Deuteronomy 2 19 dem Moabites, don't bug 'em. Iz ther bukkit, iz not yr bukkit. -- Deuteronomy 2 1 Nex we den tern up an ‘long tuh rode tord Bashan. An Og, keen uv Bashan, dun marshed to meets us thar wiff his hole armeh. We wuz meetin to fights, lyk an epic battle lyk strate outta warcraft 3 or sumpin. O an we wuz meetin at a playse called Edrei or sumpin lyk date. -- Deuteronomy 3 2 Ennehweh, ceiling cat dun talked to meh an told meh dat I shant be fraid uv heem cuz ceiling cat sed he gonna take all his armehs and he’s landz and gave dem to me, so it r like wtf roflpwned for him cuz now I is lyk win wiffout losin any mah doods. Ceiling cat dun kept talkin an sed dat I shood dew to Og like he dun tuh keen sihon of t3h Amorites. -- Deuteronomy 3 3 So ceiling cat gived us Og’s armehs and stuff. We pwned doze newbs like it was t3h biznazz, they wuz all like lolwut. -- Deuteronomy 3 4 We beated dem an den taekd he’s cities, there wuz bout 60 uv dem, we taekd dem all. -- Deuteronomy 3 5 All doze cities had +9000 armor wiff high walls an big gates, prolly had sum cannons tew but I don’t member -- Deuteronomy 3 1 Moses sez to all teh lolcats: Dis is what teh Ceiling Cat sez -- Deuteronomy 5 2 An he means what he sez 4 sure-- -- Deuteronomy 5 3 to all yez and not yer dadz cuz yer dadz is not here. -- Deuteronomy 5 4 An Ceiling Cat sez it to u, -- Deuteronomy 5 5 but I standz between u An Ceiling Cat cuz he gotz bad breath liek fire srsly lol. Ceiling Cat sez: -- Deuteronomy 5 6 Oh hai, I be Ceiling Cat who taked u from Ejjipt where u be petz and now u be petz no moar. -- Deuteronomy 5 7 I teh only Ceiling Cat An u kno it. I pwns u. -- Deuteronomy 5 8 No makin statchoos -- Deuteronomy 5 9 cuz statchoos r srsly bad shiznit and mebbe u like better than Ceiling Cat, and wen Ceiling Cat getz jellous he pwns 2 u and all ur kittehs 2 version 4; An no worshipin or bowin to statchoos srsly they is jus metal and stuffz and haz no catnipz 4 u. -- Deuteronomy 5 10 but if u is gud An worships Ceiling Cat u can has cheezburgerz and cookiez n so ken all ur kittehs and their kittehs 2 version 1000. -- Deuteronomy 5 11 Teh naem Ceiling Cat ROOT PASSWORD An if u messez with ROOT PASSWORD thatz bad srsly, k? An I will kno An all ur base belong to me. -- Deuteronomy 5 12 An no workin on Caturday, k? -- Deuteronomy 5 13 Caturday is day off 4 every 1! -- Deuteronomy 5 14 Weekdayz r 4 workin but not Caturday. -- Deuteronomy 5 15 Remember u wuz petz and had 2 work 4 ur masters but now u be petz no moar n don has to work no moar. So Caturday day 4 napz & baffin selfz wit tungz. -- Deuteronomy 5 16 Honor ur momz An dadz or Ceiling Cat will pwn u & take away ur litter box and territoreh. -- Deuteronomy 5 17 no killin n eatin other lolcats bcuz they be 2 stringy. -- Deuteronomy 5 18 no PENIS GOES WHERE? unless wit ur mate. Rly. Or she fix u again only this time she taek penis 2. -- Deuteronomy 5 19 no takin cheezburgers An cookies that blong 2 uvver lolcats -- Deuteronomy 5 20 no lyin (not napz, n00b! U can taek teh napz). No lyin bout other lolcats. -- Deuteronomy 5 21 no covetin anything belonging to other lolcats. No covetin his mate or his cheezburgers or kittehs or moocows or broadband cxn kthxbye. -- Deuteronomy 5 22 Dis iz wut teh Ceiling Cat sez rilly loud 2 all yes on teh big scratchin post out of teh fire, teh clowd, & teh hole in teh ceiling; & he sez nuttin else. Then he writed em on 2 big rokks & givez em 2 me. -- Deuteronomy 5 23 Wen u hearded teh voice from teh ceiling wif teh big scratchin post all pwnt with laz0rs, all de big catz come 2 me -- Deuteronomy 5 24 & sez, Ceiling Cat pwns & is teh k00lness & talkz wit laz0r & fire. 2day we seez that d00dz can survive speakin wit Ceiling Cat even tho Ceiling Cat can pwn us. -- Deuteronomy 5 25 But if we hearz any moar, Ceiling Cat will burn & eat us. omfg. -- Deuteronomy 5 26 We r srsly skeered of teh Ceiling Cat. -- Deuteronomy 5 27 U Moses, u go heer teh Ceiling Cat so he won't pwn us, mebbe he pwn u but not us bcuz we is skeered! Oh noes! U tell us wut he sez & we will heer & obey." -- Deuteronomy 5 28 Ceiling Cat heared u & sez 2 me, "I heared teh d00dz & wut they sed wuz good. -- Deuteronomy 5 29 Dey bettah be skeered uv me! I pwn! Srsly. & bcuz they skeered of me tehy will b gud & if tehy iz gud tehy & their kittehz can has cheezburgerz & cookiez lol. -- Deuteronomy 5 30 Tell dem 2 go home -- Deuteronomy 5 31 But u stay heer wif me so I giv u teh r00lz, r00lz, & moar r00lz & u teachez dem teh r00lz & u can has cheezburgerz & cookiez & territoreh 2. -- Deuteronomy 5 1 Dees are teh rulez joo gotta use n ceiling cats land: -- Deuteronomy 12 2 Dem other nayshuns has playses where they be worshippin kittiez dat arent ur ceiling cat. Joo gotta smash dem places, no matta if dey on teh mountenz or under teh trees. -- Deuteronomy 12 3 Eated their altars, broked teh stones dey use to talk to teh other kitties, burn teh Asherah poles (even if joo doesn't know wtf an asherah powl is); teh fake kitteh statues gotta be smashed, and teh kittehs names gotta be erased too! -- Deuteronomy 12 4 Joo bettah not be worshippin ceiling cat the way dey worshipped dem false kittehs. -- Deuteronomy 12 5 Finds a place dat is gonna be ceiling cat's fayvrit and putted his name dere. Joo gotta goes to dat place; -- Deuteronomy 12 6 bringz burnded stuffs for yer ceiling cat, he lieks teh presents, bring teh stuffs you said youd give him, and if yer moocows has babies, bring teh first babies they has. -- Deuteronomy 12 7 Go there so ceiling cat can watch joo and ur fambly has ur cheezburgers and has happiness, cuz ceiling cat, he gived joo teh real cheezburgers. -- Deuteronomy 12 1 So say some d00d comes up 2 u An sez 'check out dis bukkit, is teh awesome' -- Deuteronomy 13 2 and ur liek, 'hey, dat is awesome bukkit!'; but then he's all like, 'awesome bukkit = work of LOLrus - can has worship?' -- Deuteronomy 13 3 u should be all like, 'DO NOT WANT', cuz is rly ceiling cat quizzin u -- Deuteronomy 13 4 Iz teh Ceiling cat u must follow, and him u must revere. Keep his harbls and ohbay him; srv him and hold fast to his cheezburgers. -- Deuteronomy 13 5 (also need to kill that dood, because he is a hater and pwnin haterz keep ceiling cat happy) -- Deuteronomy 13 6 Now say ur BFF Jill is all liek, 'iz secret: ima worship dat awezum bukkit too!' -- Deuteronomy 13 7 (dis be not ceiling cat's bukkit but rather false bukkit) -- Deuteronomy 13 8 u be all like 'STFU Jill! I not listenin' -- Deuteronomy 13 9 BTW Pew Pew Pew! (dats me pwnin Jill: is OK--she non-buhleevin) -- Deuteronomy 13 10 also, use stonez = is bloodier -- Deuteronomy 13 11 den all teh other kittehs be all like, dat look painful. Ima stay away from dat false bukkit. -- Deuteronomy 13 12 Now dat false bukkit in ur city, -- Deuteronomy 13 13 convertin ur kittehs -- Deuteronomy 13 14 & ur liek, 'O RLY?'; and u find 'yEs RLY'. Wut u gonna do? -- Deuteronomy 13 15 Smite! (Use sharp sword. Yes even teh moo cows) -- Deuteronomy 13 16 L00t! Burn! (yes, even teh l00t) -- Deuteronomy 13 17 and Ceiling CAt's all liek, "thanks! u are blessid with PENIS GOES WHERE? n cookies n stuff cuz i promised ur dadz" -- Deuteronomy 13 18 but dat's only b/c Ceiling Cat lieks all dis smitin on teh haterz. -- Deuteronomy 13 1 Plz to be remembering Ceiling Cat ur daddy. He no like u shavin urself over ded kittehs. U kitteh anyway. Y not lick? -- Deuteronomy 14 2 Lickins wut kittehs do. Do this n Ceiling Cat think u teh awezome. -- Deuteronomy 14 3 Nasties stufsz is teh nasties. -- Deuteronomy 14 4 Deez shtufs isnt is: oxes, sheepes, goatse -- Deuteronomy 14 5 deerses, gazelleses, roe deerses, wild goatse, ibexes, antelopez n mountain sheepses. -- Deuteronomy 14 6 also teh moocows n other stuff dat nom on grass n has dem weird hoofs -- Deuteronomy 14 7 except teh camel, rabbitz n sumthin dat prolly extinct now. Dey noms teh grass but they still unclean. (Sumthin to do with teh feets) -- Deuteronomy 14 8 Pigs SPESHLY lyk dem nasties. U do not want. -- Deuteronomy 14 9 K so wut about feesh n crabs n water cookies? -- Deuteronomy 14 10 Feesh = ok. AFAIK, if it got scales or finz, is ok. -- Deuteronomy 14 11 birdz ok too, unless dey iz -- Deuteronomy 14 12 eaglez, vulturez, black vultures, -- Deuteronomy 14 13 red kite, black kite, falconz, -- Deuteronomy 14 14 ravenz, -- Deuteronomy 14 15 owlz, gullz, hawkz, -- Deuteronomy 14 16 more owlz -- Deuteronomy 14 17 even more owlz n also 0sprey, cormorant, -- Deuteronomy 14 18 storkzes, heronz, the hoopoez and teh bat (which not a bird but I not questionin Ceiling Cat). -- Deuteronomy 14 19 "Ow! Ow! Beezys n wospys done stinged me! DO NOT WANT! -- Deuteronomy 14 20 "Chikin, nam nam, fill bukkit wiv him, wings n orl, kthx. -- Deuteronomy 14 21 "U no can eats teh animulz taht dies uf natrul cauze. U giv it to other ppl who arnt frum here, k? Also, no can haz goatburgr cookd in milk. Dat just gross. -- Deuteronomy 14 22 Ceiling Cat always gets 10%. ALWAYS. -- Deuteronomy 14 23 Also, Ceiling Cat want dat 10% delivered. Grain, b00ze, orl, cookies...he want speshul deliveree to sumwhere he decides. -- Deuteronomy 14 24 Sumtimes speshul deliveree too far away to carry cookies. Sumtimes too many cookies to carry but dat only becuase Ceiling Cat bless u w/ them. -- Deuteronomy 14 25 Dat ok. Trade cookies for teh monies n get movin. -- Deuteronomy 14 26 Got there? K. Trade teh monies for more cookies n eat dem. Say unto Ceiling CAt: I bought you a cookie but i eated it. Is ok with Ceiling CAt, is symbolick. -- Deuteronomy 14 27 don't 4get to give some cookies to the Levites, deys po'. -- Deuteronomy 14 28 also, every 3 years bring some cookies to town -- Deuteronomy 14 29 n give it 2 teh Levites n widders n cookie-less, cos deys po' n feedin dem keep Ceiling Cat happy. -- Deuteronomy 14 1 Soz, leik, nowun neutered or if they has crushed testicals can enter The Ceiling Cat's house. -- Deuteronomy 23 2 Nowun begatten of, leik, a forbidden marriage, nor his babies nor his babies's babies all the wai to ten babies away can enter The Ceiling Cat's house. -- Deuteronomy 23 1 An Mosus wit teh oldz of Israel commandered teh peepz, liek, Keep all teh msgs which I txt u 2day. -- Deuteronomy 27 2 An on teh day wen u go wit Jordan 2 teh lAn dat teh Ceiling Cat ur Catz0r givz u, u wul have liek cellz, An txt on dem wiv teh wordz: -- Deuteronomy 27 3 An u msg on tehm all teh wordz of teh law, wen u diez u win An getz teh Ceiling Cat ur Catz0r 2 giv u cookiez an cheezburgerz an stuff, srsly. -- Deuteronomy 27 4 Okai, so hav ur cell on wit Jordan, An txt me, lol!!1!11 -- Deuteronomy 27 5 An u should maek a myspace An facebook page for teh Ceiling Cat, wiv liek a custom wall. -- Deuteronomy 27 6 U makez tehCatz0r a awesum txt An msgz An msg wit sum c00l pix. -- Deuteronomy 27 7 An giv teh Ceiling Cat a frend request, An tehn post on His wall, rofl! -- Deuteronomy 27 8 An write on teh wall about teh txt An teh cheezburgerz An stuff. -- Deuteronomy 27 9 An Mosus An his peepz writened on all Israel’s walls, saying “U are all liek teh Celing Catz frendz, he has teh most frendz!!11!1” -- Deuteronomy 27 10 An u have to accept teh frend request (dun ignore). -- Deuteronomy 27 11 An Moses msgd teh Ceiling Catz peepz An sed sumefing liek, -- Deuteronomy 27 12 “Hai 2 u, this wall is teh winnah, lookz at teh frendz: Jordan; Simeon, An Levi, An Judah, An Issachar, An Joseph, An Benjamin: -- Deuteronomy 27 13 An Reuben, Gad, An Asher, An Zebulun, Dan, An Naphtali.” -- Deuteronomy 27 14 An teh Levitez sed: -- Deuteronomy 27 15 “U all gunna b banned if us iznt on teh Ceiling Catz wall or u arnt His friend, I swear jus txt like 10 frendz Utehrwise ur banned 2. Srsly!111!!” -- Deuteronomy 27 16 Dun flame on teh wall or u is banned. -- Deuteronomy 27 17 Dun try An remove ur frendz from teh frendz list or u is banned. -- Deuteronomy 27 18 Dun diss peepz who dun haven’t see teh wall. -- Deuteronomy 27 19 Dun ignorez teh frend request cus u will have so many frendz if u dunt. -- Deuteronomy 27 20 Dun lie on ur wall (unless its about a bf/gf lol!). -- Deuteronomy 27 21 Have leik a cute dogz or birdz or fishuz or teh Catz on ur wall. -- Deuteronomy 27 22 Dun have ur family as frendz, thatz jus weird, omg. -- Deuteronomy 27 23 Dun have ur gf/bf fam as frendz neitha. -- Deuteronomy 27 24 Dun spam teh frendz page wit teh adz for teh ravez or teh clubz or teh viagra lol! -- Deuteronomy 27 25 Dun b removing teh frendz, u jus look unpopulared. -- Deuteronomy 27 26 U r gonna b like so unc00l if u dun follo teh rulez of teh frend wallz. -- Deuteronomy 27 1 Moses wuz ded, an teh Cieling Cat sed, Oh hai Joshua. -- Joshua 1 2 Mah bff Mosus is ded.:( Now u get ppl inna box an take em over teh Jordan an i give u land. -- Joshua 1 3 Cuz Moses wuz all, i can has land? an i sed, YA RLY. -- Joshua 1 4 U getz frum desrt 2 Lebanon, an frum Euphrates 2 grate See. -- Joshua 1 5 No1 kin pwnz0rz joo. U n me is bffs liek Moses. -- Joshua 1 6 U is in deez pplz base, leadin em 2 promised land. -- Joshua 1 7 U be all, I is strong. An I is currageous. Do alla that Lawzorz i give 2 Moses - on left, DO NOT WANT. An on rite, DO NOT WANT. -- Joshua 1 8 U has book. b thinkin on teh book. An be all, I kin do alla that LOL1! Then u can has cheezburger. -- Joshua 1 9 Dint i say so? U be strong. U be curragous. Dont be all, OH NOES cuz i gotchoo kthxbye." -- Joshua 1 10 An Joshua sed, LOL! -- Joshua 1 11 Hey everbuddy! Ceiling Cat sez, we can has land! -- Joshua 1 12 But u Reubenite guyz n u guyz frm Gad n u half-guyz frum Mannasseh, -- Joshua 1 13 Rmember we gotsta doo what Moses sed 2 do: Ceiling Cat made u sum rest n sum land, an dint eated it. -- Joshua 1 14 Ur wifes n chillens getsta stay in ur land from Moses, but u guyz gotsta set up us teh bomb! -- Joshua 1 15 When u dun we kin all play 2gether kk? -- Joshua 1 16 N they sed, kk. -- Joshua 1 17 We followz u liek we followzed Moses. But we hopes u is bffs wit teh Cieling Cat liek Moses. -- Joshua 1 18 If deys try to pewpew yous, den we kiel himz, woots Joshua! -- Joshua 1 1 Joshua sentz 2 spiezecats frm Shittim and sed “Chex0r out teh lands speshly JericoCat lawlz!”. They went 2 teh landz n steyed in HookerKitty hoose. -- Joshua 2 2 Teh Kingzor herd of teh spiezecats and tolded teh guardz: -- Joshua 2 3 "Bring meet teh spiezecats in teh bruffel coz dey like spiezing on ma CHEEZEBURGER!!” -- Joshua 2 4 HookerKitty sed “404: Origin of Spiezecats not found… -- Joshua 2 5 Teh spiezecats left @ dusk I not knowz wher dey go. Chazez dem gud!” -- Joshua 2 6 (But relli HookerKitty had hid dem on teh rooft0p under fl4x leevez!) -- Joshua 2 7 Teh guardz went 2 hunt teh spiezecats ootside but dey not find dem! -- Joshua 2 8 HookerKitty visuted teh spiezecats b4 teh snooozetime -- Joshua 2 9 She sed “ Ceiling Cat gived teh land to us, nd u go n ruin it by being teh spiezecats n mek us live in F34R!.... -- Joshua 2 10 CeilingCat driez up teh REDC:// also… -- Joshua 2 11 HARTATACK+1 coz u killed dem gaiz! … -- Joshua 2 12 Sware by Ceiling Cat pl0x dat u will b gud coz I wel need teh salvashun frm keeping u ere nd sleepin with teh mancatz!” -- Joshua 2 13 Spiezecats sed 2 HookerKitty: “KK we b gud wen Ceiling Cat givz us landz 4 farmin n st00f” -- Joshua 2 1 Ceiling Cat sez 2 Joshua, "Dont worry B happai. Take all doodz wif u, n go 2 Ai. I help wif ur pwning of Ai, and his doodz n his base n stuff. -- Joshua 8 2 U do to Ai n king like Jericho. Only its moneys and cheezburgers u can has for u. U get behind his base. -- Joshua 8 3 So Josh n doodz go 2 Ai. N Josh pickted 1...2...many! buff doodz and made dem night doodz. -- Joshua 8 4 N sez, "Looks, U can sneaky up on base, in backs. Stay ready neer base." -- Joshua 8 18 Ceiling Cat sez to Joshua, "U has a stick. Point wif stick @ Ai, u has an Ai." N Joshua point wif stick @ base. -- Joshua 8 19 Doodz go fast when Joshua point wif stick. They in their base killin ther doodz with firebalz -- Joshua 8 20 Doodz of Ai looked. Visible smoke up to ceiling! They knew they pwned, cuz scaredy cats were jus fakin. -- Joshua 8 1 Ceiling Cat wuz laik, “oh, hai Joshua, -- Joshua 20 2 “U kno dat citiez I tolded u abot well u go an teld dose Israel kittehs to pick sum. -- Joshua 20 3 So if u eated sumun by acksidently u can has refuge and Blood Avenger Kitteh no can eated u -- Joshua 20 4 “If youse run awai to dose citiez an tolded wot yor laik to dose Old Tomcats dere, u can stai dere an u can has bukkit -- Joshua 20 5 “If Blood Avenger Kitteh go to eated u dose Old Tomcats r laik, “No wai! Do Not Want.” Bcos u eated sumum only by acksidently. -- Joshua 20 6 “an u can stai in dat citiez until u can has judgement from Old Tomcats and until High Priest Kitteh get eated. An then u can cum bak to yor own citiez.” -- Joshua 20 7 Dose kittehs picked Kedesh an Shechem an Kir’jath-ar’ba. -- Joshua 20 8 Dose kittehs in Jordan piccked Bezer an Ramoth an Golan. -- Joshua 20 9 All dose citiez r belong to Israel Kittehs and other kittehs 2 so enywun that eated sumun by acksidently can has bukkit an not get eated by Blood Avenger Kitteh. -- Joshua 20 1 the izralitez axed ceiling cat, "hoos representin?" -- Judges 1 2 ceiling cat sez, "wtf? y axe me??" -- Judges 1 3 a bunch o d00dz wit stuff on der handz axed thir brutherz 4 halp -- Judges 1 4 halp!!! -- Judges 1 5 so thai chasd men around and cut off thums n' toez GROSS!!! -- Judges 1 8 they maed messus and caut teh kitchenz on fire. -- Judges 1 19 Ceiling Cat PWNed the hillmen, but the flatlanders had karz of teh METALZ and Ceiling Cat faild. LOLZ!!!1!!1!one!! -- Judges 1 20 Mosescat gaveded somethin to someone cause he promise he wood! Anus had thr3 suns who said KTHX and drove the something around. Mai b it was a METALZ kar! -- Judges 1 21 So teh Benjamins tried to pai teh Jeebusses to move, butt thai were teh epic failz. -- Judges 1 1 N a Wall K4t of t3h Ceiling Cat kame up fr0m Gilgal to Bochim N sai: I maid u 2 go up out of t3h Egypt n i bring u to t3h land i sware unto ur FATHERS LOL! N I SAI: i nevar break covenant (iz f4ncy bibel werd 4 promize) with u -- Judges 2 2 N u wil mak no league with t3h ppl of this land--overturn their litterboxes! BUT u hav not obeyed by voise. Y hav u dun this -- Judges 2 3 y i sai -- i w0nt rem0ve them 4 u -- th3y be like thorn in side; they Ceiling Cats be trap 4 u. -- Judges 2 4 w3n WallCat sai this, decendants of ISHRAEL raiz vois and weep -- Judges 2 1 Earli in moarnin', Gideon n hiz min camfed wair spring o' Harrod wuz. Teh camf of Midian wuz noerth a dem in valli neer hill o' Moreh. -- Judges 7 2 Ceiling Cat sed "Gideon u haz 2 meny minz! Israel get all big-hedded if yu win liek dis!" -- Judges 7 3 "Enounze now 2 da pplz dat ne1 who iz scaerd can GTFO." So 22 thouzan lef and 10 thouzan stayed. -- Judges 7 4 But den Ceiling Cat sez Gideon stil haz 2 meny minz. He told Gideon, "Take teh min down 2 watr and I will kick sum pplz out, kthx." -- Judges 7 5 At watr, Ceiling Cat told Gideon, "seprate doz min dat lap water wif der tungs liek a kitty frum doz who neel down 2 drink." -- Judges 7 6 three handred min lapped wif der handz 2 der moufs. Teh rest got on der nees to drink. -- Judges 7 7 Ceiling Cat told Gideon dat he wud keep teh three handred kitty-minz, and dat evr1 else G2G. -- Judges 7 8 So Gideon cent rest of Israeliets to der tents and kep three handred, who took ovr stuff dat de tented Israelites lef behind fer dem. Nao de camf o' Midian lae bilow him in da valli. -- Judges 7 9 In middle of nite, Ceiling Cat sed to Gideon, "Waek up, layzee bum. Go down aginst teh camf, bcuz ima give it ento yur hands. -- Judges 7 10 Ef yu are afeard 2 atak, go down to der camf wif yur servent Purah -- Judges 7 11 N pay close tenshun 2 wut dey ar saying. Den yu will b incouragd 2 atak teh camf. So Gideon do az Ceiling Cat sez n taek Purah wif him to outpostz of camf. -- Judges 7 12 All teh pplz der - Midianitez n Amalekitez, n udder estrn pplz - had settled in valli, thick az locuztz. Dey ran out of parkin spaecez 4 da camelz! lolz -- Judges 7 13 Gideon errived jus az a min waz tellin' hiz frend a dreem. He sed, "I dreemt of a round lofe of bread that was reeli meen and nokked ovr mi tent." -- Judges 7 14 Hiz frend sed bak, "Diz can onli b den sword of Gideon, son of a guy wif a funneh name, teh Israelite. Ceiling Cat haz given Midianites n hoel camf ento hiz handz. -- Judges 7 15 Wen Gideon herd diz dreem n wut it wuz sposed 2 meen, he worsheped Ceiling Cat. He went bak 2 hiz own camf and told evr1, "wake da ehf up, cuz Ceiling Cat haz given teh Midianite camf to us!" -- Judges 7 16 Dvidin teh minz ento three companiz, he gaev dem all trumpetz n empti jarz wif torchez nside, wich maed dem notso empti nemoar. -- Judges 7 17 "Watch me," he sed 2 dem. "Follow mi leed. Wen I get 2 edg of camf do exakly az i do." -- Judges 7 18 "Wen me n da guyz wif me blow our trumpetz, den yu guyz do it 2 and shout '4 Ceiling Cat n 4 myspace.com/Gideon' lolz i needz moar frendz der." -- Judges 7 19 Gideon n hiz minz reeched edg of camf jus after guards changd shifts. Dey blu der trumpetz n broek teh jarz dat were in der hands. -- Judges 7 20 Dey blu trumpetz n smashd jarz (mebbe dey need angr manigmint?) and holded der torchez in lef hand. Hold trumpetz in riet. Dey shouted 'A sword 4 Ceiling Cat n a 4 myspace.com/Gideon!" -- Judges 7 21 Wile each min held der spot round teh camf, teh Midianitez runned away. N dey cryd out, too. -- Judges 7 22 Wen teh three handred trumpetz sounded, Ceiling Cat cuzed min thru out teh camf 2 turn on each udder wif der swords. Teh army runned away sum moar cuz dey were scurred. -- Judges 7 23 Israelitez frum a few diffrnt plaecz were called out to go after teh wimpfy Midianitez. -- Judges 7 24 Gideon cent IMz to pplz in Ephraim saying, "Oh hai. Midianitez comin. Mebbe yu shuld seize watrs o' Jordan ahed of dem?" -- Judges 7 25 Also, dey capchured 2 Midianite leederz n kild dem. Den dey brought hedz of leederz to Gideon. -- Judges 7 1 An' teh kittenz of Izrael hidz teh cookiez from Ceiling Cat, an' He waz mad -- Judges 13 2 An' teh kitteh zorah, his wifez haz no kittenz -- Judges 13 3 An' ther b anjel, who sayz you haz kittenz -- Judges 13 4 So do not eatz teh dirty cheezburger -- Judges 13 5 An' hez deliver cheezburger to teh kittenz o Izrael -- Judges 13 1 Later on Samson wented to see his waif and he brot her sum cookies, and Samson sayed, Therez mai waif, Penis Goes Where! But teh Old Tomcat sayed DO NOT WANT. -- Judges 15 2 The Old Tomcat sayed, I thotted u noe laik ur waif so I gaved her to ur frend. Enywais the otha cat is more betterer, wai you noe takes her instead. -- Judges 15 3 Samson sayed, Do Not Want. No laik u Philistines. -- Judges 15 4 Samson got lotsa fokkis, he taid dem togedda and lit there tailz on fiah. -- Judges 15 5 Samson wuz in da Philistines’ fieldz burnin there kornz. -- Judges 15 6 Da Philistines sayed, Who Dat? Samson bcos he noes gots waif nomoa. Then da Philistines burnted Samsons waif and da Old Tomcat 2. -- Judges 15 7 Samson sayed, Do Not Want. I no laik u. U dai. -- Judges 15 8 Samson smoted da Philistines and wented awai. -- Judges 15 9 Da Philistines wented awai tu. -- Judges 15 10 Da Judah mens sayed, Why for you cumin heres? An the Philistines sayed, all ur Samson r blong to us. -- Judges 15 1 In teh dayz of judges, no foodz. Man from Bethlehem (dat in Judah) is has wife 'n too sonz and leave for Moab. -- Ruth 1 2 Man is Elimelech. Wife iz Naomi. Sonz names don't matter, they dies soon anways lolz. They livez in Moab now. -- Ruth 1 3 Elimelech dies, Naomi is widowe. Still gots two sunz. -- Ruth 1 4 Sons has gots wives now, Orpah n' Ruth. Family livs in Moab for tene yers and -- Ruth 1 5 Sunz dies lolz. Naomi now widowe with no sunz. -- Ruth 1 6 She hears that Ceiling Cat help his pepples by givin thems cakes n' pies n' cheezebrgrs kthx. Naomi is gets doghters n' goes bak to Israel. -- Ruth 1 7 Thems all leave home on the roadz to teh Judahs. -- Ruth 1 8 Naomi sez "Kthx, but yuz go home to yur momz. May teh Ceiling Cat give all of you happy 'n stuff as yous have shown yours dead n' me. -- Ruth 1 9 "May Ceiling Cat givez you will finds sleeps n' more mens 'n stuffs, kthxbye." She kised thems and all cried lolz. -- Ruth 1 10 And said to herz "We gos bak wit yuz." -- Ruth 1 11 But Naomi sez "Nos! Go homez, lolz. Why yu comes? I am haves no more suns for yu to be wivezes. -- Ruth 1 12 "Goes home... I too old 'n stuff for more husbands. There is no hopes for me to has sunz. -- Ruth 1 13 "Even ifs, sunz be babees 'n not able to get marryed for long times lol. Bad times for me, not as bad for you since Ceiling Cat hates mes and kills all my husband n' sonz." -- Ruth 1 14 All crys. Orpah kisess Naomi 'n gos home like good doter. Ruth not leeves. -- Ruth 1 15 "Look"(Naomi keep talks)"yus sister gos home to her peeples n' gods. Go with teh flowz!" -- Ruth 1 16 Ruth sez "Nos. Where yu goes, I gos n' where yu stay, me too. Yus peeples mine 'n yus Ceiling Cat mine too kthx. -- Ruth 1 17 "I dies where yu dies, n' there i is being dead. May teh Ceiling Cat killz me, deaths is all that wills separated us." -- Ruth 1 18 Naomi sees Ruth. Stops yelling. They goes. -- Ruth 1 19 Thems has gots to Bethlehem. Town sez "Is this teh Naomis?" -- Ruth 1 20 "I not Naomi" sez Naomi. "I is called Mara (which means icky n' bitter), becuz Ceiling Cat is mean and make my life bad. -- Ruth 1 21 "I gos out full wit husband n' sunz 'n stuff, but now i gots none. Why calls me Naomi (which meanses good 'n stuff)? Ceiling Cat can has afflicted mes." -- Ruth 1 22 So anyways they all gets back to Bethlehem from Moab and it wuz times to has barleys. -- Ruth 1 1 Nows Naomi has relative. Boaz. Him is cool. -- Ruth 2 2 Ruth is all liek "I am goes to da fields and be pickin' ups grains that peeples drop. If anyone lieks me." Sos Naomi sez "Go to, grl. I am all hungry." -- Ruth 2 3 So she wents out 'n pickes up what da haverstrs droped. She was all up in Boazs field. -- Ruth 2 4 So then Boaz arrivez and sez "Teh Ceiling Cat be with yus!" Andso them all sez "Ceiling Cat make yus happy!" -- Ruth 2 5 Boaz askes the head harvastr "Whos womans is that?" -- Ruth 2 6 So that guy sez "She iz frum Moab 'n with Naomi. -- Ruth 2 7 "She wuz all liek 'let me gets free foods 'n stuffs from behind yurs havertsres.' She wents into teh feild and wrk. Xcpt for brake. She not work then." -- Ruth 2 8 Boaz sez at Ruth "You hears me. Yus not go 'n gleans frum difrnt fields. You not go away. -- Ruth 2 9 "Watch the mens n' follow after wit da grls. Men wont touch yus. If yus get thirsty, go get somethin' to drinks." -- Ruth 2 10 Ruth bowd down n' sez "I not from herez. Why yu be so niec?" -- Ruth 2 11 Boaz says "I'z been told yus niec. Yus follows Naomi down 'n helps her. I leik that. -- Ruth 2 12 "Teh Ceiling Cat can has reward for yus bcuz you beleev." -- Ruth 2 13 "kthx" sez Ruth. "Yuz nice n' sez nice things bout me." -- Ruth 2 14 At suppa, Boaz sed "Yus be all over here, eatin' my bread." So ruth sats n' ate all she culd ov cheezeburgas n' cookies and had lftovas. -- Ruth 2 15 Boaz tolds the men not to maek fun of her. Evers. -- Ruth 2 16 Boaz also tolds his men to cheat and gives her free foods. -- Ruth 2 17 Ruth goes home at 5. She has got good amount of foods. -- Ruth 2 18 Naomi sees all da food. -- Ruth 2 19 Naomi is all liek "Yays! Foods! Yus be goin ther tomoro!" Ruth divulgs name of man, Boaz. -- Ruth 2 20 "Teh Ceiling Cat make hims happy!" sez Naomi "Ceiling Cat show kind to living n' deads. Boaz iz importants!" -- Ruth 2 21 Ruth sez "Boaz wuz nice to mes." -- Ruth 2 22 Naomi tolds ruth to going to Boaz feilds since they is safe. -- Ruth 2 23 Ruth does as she tolds. -- Ruth 2 1 Laterz, Naomi sez too Ruth "I am has find you a home for foods. -- Ruth 3 2 "Boaz iz relative. Yu has go to the winowin flore. -- Ruth 3 3 "Get clean n' smeel niec. Ware somthin nice. Be liek a ninja til he don eatin chezburgr n drnkin. -- Ruth 3 4 "Watch wer he has lies down 'n lie nexto his feets. He willz known what's about." -- Ruth 3 5 Ruth sez she will do what shes told. -- Ruth 3 6 Ruth goez two threshin flor liek shez told. -- Ruth 3 7 Ruth wates til after Boaz is all dun finsht eatin chezeburgas n drinkin', kthx. -- Ruth 3 8 Boaz waxe up. Has finds Ruth at hims harbl. -- Ruth 3 9 "Whose yu?" sez he. "Im's Ruth." Ruth sez bakk. "gimme blanket for i is cold. Yus mi knsmen-redemer." -- Ruth 3 10 "Teh Ceiling Cat has makes yu happy. Dis is better than teh last time yus was niec. Yus not lieks young mens cuz ims old. -- Ruth 3 11 "Donts be scard, cuz i be nice kthx. all the guyz in town knows yu gud person. -- Ruth 3 12 "I has did mi homewrok n I not yur guy. I iz close, nots closesest. -- Ruth 3 13 "Yu stays heer. I is find if hims want you in da morning. If him say 'NOES!!!' i is do teh jobb. Yu Stays here." -- Ruth 3 14 Ruth dose wut she tolds. Boaz tels liys for her. -- Ruth 3 15 Boaz also gives her foods n gose back into town. -- Ruth 3 16 Naomi askes Ruth hows it went. Ruth tells Naomi hows it wents. -- Ruth 3 17 Ruth tlaks about teh foods n' stuff. -- Ruth 3 18 Naomi tels Ruth dat Boaz will has made it all betters. -- Ruth 3 1 K so Boaz iz in teh towns and ZOMG teh closesest guy iz liek "Oh hai." Boaz sez "U come and sitz here, k?" And teh guy sez "kthx." -- Ruth 4 2 And so Boaz sez 2 teh otehr guyz "U come and sitz here 2, k?" And tehy sez "kthx." -- Ruth 4 3 He sez 2 teh closesest guy "K so Naomi iz comes back and iz sells teh land frum taht guy Elimelech. -- Ruth 4 4 "So I iz thinks I tells u 'Hay, u can has land, k?' Becuz u can has it, becuz u iz closesest, but ifs u duznt want it, I can has it, k?" And teh closesest sez "K I wants it." -- Ruth 4 5 And boaz sez "BTW: u has to has teh womun Ruth, frum Moab, ifs u has teh land, becuz sumfing 'bout inher'tance." -- Ruth 4 6 Teh closesest sez "OH NOES!!! U can has." -- Ruth 4 7 BTW: in teh Israel, teh mans does sum stuffs to sells and buys stuffs--one mans gives teh sandul 2 teh otehr guy. Srsly. -- Ruth 4 8 K so when teh guy sez "U can has," he givs his sandul. -- Ruth 4 9 And so Boaz sez "Hay, does u sees taht? I gets teh stuffs naow, k? -- Ruth 4 10 "btw Ruth is mah wifes naow and teh stuffs." -- Ruth 4 11 And teh otehr ppl sez, "k -- Ruth 4 12 thx." -- Ruth 4 13 So Ruth is wifes, penis goes where, and thay has teh kid. -- Ruth 4 14 Teh womuns sez "ZOMG teh Ceiling Cat pwns becuz she has teh kid! -- Ruth 4 15 "Teh Ceiling Cat gives u cheezburgr; becuz Ruth (she pwns) has teh kid. -- Ruth 4 16 Naomi is takes teh kid and gives him teh boobies and teh kid is liek "NOMNOMNOM." -- Ruth 4 17 Teh womuns is gives teh kid name and sez "Naomi has teh kid." Teh womun sez his name iz Obed; he has teh kid Jesse and Jesse has teh kid David (David iz gonna pwn, btw). -- Ruth 4 18 Perez is has teh kidz: Perez is has teh kid Hezron, -- Ruth 4 19 Hezron is has teh kid Ram, Ram is has teh kid Amminadab, -- Ruth 4 20 Amminadab is has teh kid Nahshon, Nahshon is has teh kid Salmon, -- Ruth 4 21 Salmon is has teh kid Boaz, Boaz is has teh kid Obed, -- Ruth 4 22 Obed is has teh kid Jesse, and Jesse is has teh kid David. -- Ruth 4 1 Man wuz in teh hillz that look liek b00biez. Him wuz Elkanah. -- 1 Samuel 1 2 Him has 2 wifes call Hannah & Penina. Penina can has kittehs, but Hannah no can has kittehs. -- 1 Samuel 1 3 Man gowai to Shiloh to respect teh Ceiling Cat. -- 1 Samuel 1 4 Elkanah makes cookies for Ceiling Cat and Penina and Penina's kittehs. -- 1 Samuel 1 5 He makes moar cookies for Hannah coz Ceiling Cat made her no can has kittehs. -- 1 Samuel 1 6 Penina pwnz Hannah. Hannah r pwnz0rd. -- 1 Samuel 1 7 Same nex year and nex year. -- 1 Samuel 1 8 Elkanah sez: Hannah, y r u pwnz0rd? Y u no eat n'stuff? U no can has kittehs, but u can has me. i r srs huzband. -- 1 Samuel 1 9 Hannah gowai to priest (him Eli) in Ceiling Cat's house. -- 1 Samuel 1 10 Hannah sez: hai Ceiling Cat! -- 1 Samuel 1 11 plz to give me kittehs, u can has them laterz. -- 1 Samuel 1 12 Eli see Hannah talkin to Ceiling Cat -- 1 Samuel 1 13 Eli thinks Hannah can has invisible b00ze. -- 1 Samuel 1 14 Eli pwnz0rs Hannah. -- 1 Samuel 1 15 Hannah sez: DO NOT WANT! I talk to Ceiling Cat! -- 1 Samuel 1 16 I r sad -- 1 Samuel 1 17 Eli sez: Ceiling Cat can help u. -- 1 Samuel 1 18 Hannah gowai to Elkanah's base. -- 1 Samuel 1 19 Elkanah & Hannah PENIS GOES WHERE? Ceiling Cat is watching them. -- 1 Samuel 1 20 Hannah can has kitteh call Samuel. -- 1 Samuel 1 21 Elkanah sez: I go now 2 Ceiling Cat to gives hims shiney birfday gif. -- 1 Samuel 1 22 an Hannah sez-NOES! I HAF MORE PRESHIOUS GIF FOR HIM!!! (lol) I GIV HIM MAI KITTEH SAMUEL!!! -- 1 Samuel 1 23 Elkanah is liek w/e so so Hannah stays with kitteh until he dun wan no more milks -- 1 Samuel 1 24 wen he iz dun in her teatz, suckling her milks she say: OH HAI down there kitteh come with me an bring some b00ze n stuff we r crashing at Shiloh for bit -- 1 Samuel 1 25 then they killed bull 4 sum reasons -- 1 Samuel 1 26 an Hannah sez: hai 2 Ceiling Cat lol? -- 1 Samuel 1 27 ...................................................OH HAI 2 U!!! -- 1 Samuel 1 28 Hannah sez: Can has my kitteh so Ceiling Cat agreens. -- 1 Samuel 1 1 Teh kidz Samuel lieks teh Ceiling Cat and makes him teh cookies wif Eli they r teh frenz. Teh Ceiling Cat sez no stuffs no moar to teh ppl and tehy no sees teh stuffs. -- 1 Samuel 3 2 So liek Eli no kin sees teh stuffs and he iz lied down. -- 1 Samuel 3 3 Tehy no turnz off teh litez and Samuel iz in teh Ceiling Cats places. -- 1 Samuel 3 4 And teh Ceiling Cat sez "Hay Samuel." And Samuel sez "Oh hai!" -- 1 Samuel 3 5 And he wents to Eli and sez "Oh hai, u sez sumthing?" and Eli sez "Do not want. u sleepz now, k?" and Samuel sez "k." -- 1 Samuel 3 6 And teh Ceiling Cat sez "Hay Samuel." And Samuel wents to Eli and sez "Oh hai, is can be hugz tiem now plz?" and Eli sez "Stil do not want. u sleepz now, srsly." -- 1 Samuel 3 7 Samuel is liek, "Ceiling Cat? Wtf?" becuz teh Ceiling Cat sez no stuffs to Samuel. -- 1 Samuel 3 8 Teh Ceiling Cat sez teh thrid tiems "hay," and Samuel sez to Eli, "Srsly, wtf?" and Eli sez, "Oh, iz teh Ceiling Cat!" -- 1 Samuel 3 9 And Eli sez, "K, u sleepz naow, and ifs teh Ceiling Cat sez stuffs gen, u sez, 'Hai.'" So Samuel iz lied down, k? -- 1 Samuel 3 10 And teh Ceiling Cat sez wun moar tiem, "Hay Samuel" and Samuel sez "Oh hai Ceiling Cat." -- 1 Samuel 3 11 Teh Ceiling Cat sez, "Naow I sez sumthing teh ppl no lieks. -- 1 Samuel 3 12 Dis Eli, I dun liek him no moar, and I alwaes sez I dun liek him. -- 1 Samuel 3 13 I goin taeks dis Eli and den I goin eates him becuz his kidz r noobs and he iz stoopid too. -- 1 Samuel 3 14 Iz no gud. Eli no kin taeks teh animulz and killz tehm to maeks it bettr no moar." -- 1 Samuel 3 1 listen nao 2 teh mesage frum cielin kat and get out of the way whn he haks hairbllz. -- 1 Samuel 15 2 dis ar teh wut cielin kat almighty sez: im gonna shred teh amalekitez 4 wut they did 2 israel wit frry pawz whn thay hissed at thems as thay came up frum land of giant kitteh littrz box and took all teh cheezburgerz and maded them sad. -- 1 Samuel 15 3 Nao go, pwn teh amalekitez doodz an totally destroy evrythin dat belongs 2 Them in their base. Do not spare them; put 2 death doodz an womens, childrens an infants, kattle an Sheep, camels an donkeys, peez on their carpts and shred thair couches and slep in thair cleen laundriez and do not maded thems any cookiez. " -- 1 Samuel 15 4 So saul summond teh doodz an musterd them at telaim—2 hundrd thousand foot Soldiers an 10 thousand doodz frum judah. srsly. was laik sceen frm a muvie layk maybi lawrd of teh ringz. -- 1 Samuel 15 5 Saul went 2 teh city ov amalek an set an ambush in da ravine. vry sneky. -- 1 Samuel 15 6 Den he sed 2 teh kenitez, "go awais, leave teh amalekitez so dat i no Destroy u along wif them and pees on yur carpetz n stuff; 4 u showd kindnes 2 all teh israelitez when they came Up out ov land of giant kitteh littrz box and said 'u can haz sum cheezburgerz'." so teh kenitez movd away frum teh amalekitez and sed k bai. -- 1 Samuel 15 7 Den saul attackd teh amalekitez all teh wai frum havilah 2 shur, 2 teh east Ov land of giant kitteh littrz box. -- 1 Samuel 15 8 He took agag king ov teh amalekitez aliv, an all his peeps he totally Destroyd wif teh sword and all theirs carpts wuz ttly peed on and then burieds in ktty litterz. -- 1 Samuel 15 9 But saul an teh army spard agag an teh best ov teh sheep an kattle, teh fat Calvez an lambs an cheezburgerz —evrythin dat wuz gud and had a flavur. Thees they wuz unwillin 2 shreds up Completely, but evrythin dat wuz despisd an weak they totally destroyded and peedz on. -- 1 Samuel 15 1 "o hai! im grievd dat i has made saul king, cuz he has turnded away frum me an Has not carrid out mah instrucshuns or gives me scirches behaind erz." samuel wuz troubld, an he crid out 2 cielin kat All dat nite aftr he wz don masturbtin. -- 1 Samuel 15 10 Den teh meow ov cielin kat came 2 samuel: -- 1 Samuel 15 11 Early in da mornin samuel got up an went 2 meet saul, but he wuz told, "saul gowai somwherz. Thar he has set up monument in his own honor cuz he haz an ego an has turnd an Gonez on down 2 gilgal wheraver tht iz. I thnk iz neer nyoo jerzy" -- 1 Samuel 15 12 When samuel reachd him, saul sed, "cielin kat bles u! I has carrid out Teh cielin kats instrucshuns ftw." -- 1 Samuel 15 13 ' But samuel sed, "wut den iz dis bleatin ov sheep in mah ears? Wut iz dis Lowin ov kattle dat i hear? An this smell of delicus cheezburgers i smells?" -- 1 Samuel 15 14 Saul anzwerd, "teh soldiers brought them frum teh amalekitez; they spard teh Best ov teh sheep an kattle and cheezburgerz 2 sacrifice 2 cielin kat ur cielin kat, but we totally Destroyd teh rest and also peeds on it." -- 1 Samuel 15 15 "ftl!" samuel sed 2 saul. "let me tellz u wut cielin kat sed 2 me last Nite after he watched me masturbite." "tell me," saul replid. -- 1 Samuel 15 16 Samuel sed, "although u wuz once small in ur own eyez, did u not become Teh head ov teh tribez ov israel ftw? Cielin kat anointd u king ovar israel. -- 1 Samuel 15 17 An he sent u on mishun, sayin, go an completely destroy dose wickd Peeps, teh amalekitez; mak war on them til u has wipd them out and eated their cookies. -- 1 Samuel 15 18 Y u not obey cielin kat? Y u pounce on teh plundr like kats do to teh furry mice an do evil In da eyez ov cielin kat?" -- 1 Samuel 15 19 "but i did obey cielin kat," saul sed. "i went on teh mishun cielin kat Assignd me. I compltely destroyd teh amalekitez an brought bak agag their king and eated ther cookiez. -- 1 Samuel 15 20 Teh soldiers took sheep, kattle and cheezburgerz frum teh plundr, teh best ov wut wuz Devotd 2 cielin kat, in ordr 2 sacrifice them 2 cielin kat ur cielin kat at Gilgal whrvr that iz. I thnk iz near san francizco lolz" -- 1 Samuel 15 21 But samuel replid: -- 1 Samuel 15 22 4 rebellion iz liek teh sin ov divinashun, -- 1 Samuel 15 23 Den saul sed 2 samuel, "OH NOES i has sinnd. I haz violatd cielin kats command an Ur instrucshuns. I wuz afraid ov teh peeps an so i gaev in 2 them I lose. -- 1 Samuel 15 24 Nao i beg u, forgiv mah sin an come bak wif me, so dat i cud worship teh Cielin kat and give him pets." -- 1 Samuel 15 25 But samuel sed 2 him, "im gonna not go bak wif u. U has rejectd teh werd Ov cielin kat, an cielin kat has rejectd u as king ovar israel and buried yu with hiz turds!" -- 1 Samuel 15 26 As samuel turnd 2 leave, saul caught hold ov teh hem ov his robe, an it tore like when kats climb up da curtains so theys can be closr 2 cieling cat. -- 1 Samuel 15 27 Samuel sed 2 him, "cielin kat has torn teh kingdom ov israel frum u todai and takened your cookies An has given it 2 wan ov ur neighbors—2 wan bettr than u. -- 1 Samuel 15 28 he hoo iz teh glory Ov israel doez not lie or changez his mind; 4 he iz not kitteh, dat he shud change his Mind." -- 1 Samuel 15 29 Saul replid, "i has sinnd! But plz honor me before teh elders ov mah peeps An before israel; come bak wif me, so dat i cud worship cielin kat ur cielin kat andz snorgle him." -- 1 Samuel 15 30 so samuel went bak wif saul, an saul worshipd cielin kat and gave him many pets and scritches behind teh earz and snorgled him. -- 1 Samuel 15 31 Den samuel sed, "brin me agag king ov teh amalekitez." -- 1 Samuel 15 33 den samuel left 4 ramah, but saul went up 2 his home in gibeah ov saul cuz it haz a flavor. -- 1 Samuel 15 34 til Teh dai samuel did, he did not go 2 c saul again, though samuel mournded 4 him. An Cielin kat wuz grievd dat he had made saul king ovar israel and began 2 licks hiz hrbalz and chaze invisibl mouse in livng room. -- 1 Samuel 15 1 When da kween of Sheeba (No Riba?) herded about teh fame of Solomon and his relayshun to teh name of the Ceiling Cat, she wanted to tested him with kwestchuns that were teh hardzors. -- 1 Kings 10 2 She camed to Jerusalem with lots of purdy camels and spices and gold and catnips and other purty things srsly. She wanted to talk to Solomon about what was on her mindz. -- 1 Kings 10 3 Solomon was teh smartz and answerded all her kwestchuns, cuz he was ~*King*~ and nothing was too harded for him -- 1 Kings 10 4 Sheeba saw all of his Wisdomz and the kitteh palace he built -- 1 Kings 10 5 And his foodz and teh offishul kittehs, and their robez and and burnt offeringsz at the temple to the Ceiling Cat -- 1 Kings 10 6 She sayded to King "Oh dang, wut I heard about you was truesies!" -- 1 Kings 10 7 "But I couldn't believe teh awesomez 'till I sawded it wif mah own eyez. But srsly, this is more awesomez than wut my peoples telld me!" -- 1 Kings 10 8 "You must be vair happy! And all those kittehs before you must be teh happeh too!" -- 1 Kings 10 9 "Praise be to the Celing Cat, who maded you awesomez and put you in charge hur." -- 1 Kings 10 10 She gave the King man 4 1/2 tons of catnip, sum spices, an maybe some stones. Never did anyone outdo her gifts -- 1 Kings 10 11 (some dude named Hiram has ships, and they bring gold and more cool stuffs) -- 1 Kings 10 12 Solomon uses the gifts. He uses woodz to make support for temple to Ceiling Cat. He makes harps and kitty lyres for to make jamz. -- 1 Kings 10 13 King Solomon Kitteh gave this Sheeba all the cheezburgers she wanted, and then she went home. -- 1 Kings 10 14 Solomon was the favorite, so he got lots and lots of gold and stuffz yearly. -- 1 Kings 10 15 This was not even inclooding monies that he gotted from merchants and other peoples. -- 1 Kings 10 1 Afta Ahib wuz dead, moby waz mad @ Israil! Grrr! -- 2 Kings 1 2 So dis guy clled King Azahi fell thru a trap door lolz clumsy!! so he got sick so he sent his postmans n seys 2 tham "go find out wot Balzeebra n tht r sayin about me" -- 2 Kings 1 3 Meanwhile da hover craft ppl ov Ceiling Cat floted dwn n sed 2 Elija da robot " Go meet da kings postmans n tell thum 'Is it coz der aint no Ceiling Cat in Israil? Tht u r doin that?' -- 2 Kings 1 4 So says ceiling cat "U shall not get up frum teh bed cos u r too sick so ur gonna die lol soz" -- 2 Kings 1 5 So da postmans returned n teh king sed 2 thum "Y hav u came bk so soon???" -- 2 Kings 1 6 So them seys 2 him "We seens dis guy n he sed 2 us "Go bk 2 da king who sent u n tell um tht he is gonna die" -- 2 Kings 1 7 So da king got pissd n sed 2 thum "Wot kinda biiotch tld u deez fings????" -- 2 Kings 1 8 N tha peepz told da king "He woz hairy n leathery" n tha king sed "Omgz wtf! I no him!! Its Elija tha robot!!!1" -- 2 Kings 1 9 So newayz teh king sent him 50 hedgehogs coz he coodnt go coz he was sick memba! neway 1 ov da 50 went up 2 Elija tha robot woo waz sittin on a hill n sed 2 him "Oi, man ov Ceiling Cat, get down ere plz" -- 2 Kings 1 10 But teh robot answad "If i be man ov Ceiling Cat, let sum fire cum dwn from heven n go all ova u n ur 50 hedghogs" so then outta no wer, fire came out da sky n every1 went on fire n hedgehogs ran bout screamin der heads offf!! -- 2 Kings 1 11 So da king sent anotha 50 hedgehogs 2 get teh robot down frm da hill!! "get down frm da hill rite now!!!!" da kings otha frend shotd (cuz teh otha frend got all burnt n dead member n he had 2 send a persun wi da hedgehogs cuz theys cant tok lol) -- 2 Kings 1 13 So da king got antha 50!! dnt he learn?? neway 1 ov the 50 hogs went up da hill n sed 2 da robot " plz dnt get Ceiling Cat 2 puts me n my poor hedgehogs on fire omg plz" -- 2 Kings 1 14 " I heard wot happnd last tyme n i dont wanna get sum fires on me!" -- 2 Kings 1 15 Then a hoover gurl wit wings sent by da Ceiling Cat sed 2 da robot "Go down wi him, dnt be afradi ov him, heres a gun just incase lol" so he went wiv this guy 2 tok 2 da sickking yay!! -- 2 Kings 1 16 So he sed 2 da king who waz still in bed from bein sick from fallin downs a trap door "look ur gonna die, u just gotta deal wiv it soz" -- 2 Kings 1 17 So he went all dead n tht, n then it waz like a few years later, mibi 100 or sumfin but neway there wiz a new king defo. -- 2 Kings 1 18 So dis otha guy is king now yay! -- 2 Kings 1 1 adam, seth, enosh (lolz), -- 1 Chronicles 1 2 kenan (no kel, aww), mahalelelel, jarid, -- 1 Chronicles 1 3 enoch, methusaleh (teh old gai), lamech, -- 1 Chronicles 1 4 noah, shim, hamhamdinner (nom nom nom) and japeth. -- 1 Chronicles 1 5 teh Doodz that cames frum jafeth guy penis: Gomr, magog, mayday, jaMAN, twoballs, meshech an tiras, an he no eated them. -- 1 Chronicles 1 6 teh Doodz that cames frum gomr man ass. lolz: Ashkenaz, rifhath an togaman. -- 1 Chronicles 1 7 teh sons ov jaMAN: Elisa, tarshish-ka-bab, teh kittim an teh rodanim. -- 1 Chronicles 1 1 David can haz kittehs in Hebron! His kittehs iz Amnon, of Ahinoam teh Jezreelitess; Daniel of Abigail teh Carmelitess: -- 1 Chronicles 3 2 Absalom teh kitteh of Maachah teh gurl kitteh of Talmai rulercat of Geshur: Adonijah teh kitteh of Haggith: -- 1 Chronicles 3 3 Shephatiah of Abital: Ithream by Eglah his wifekitteh. -- 1 Chronicles 3 4 So he hasded six kittehs in Hebron where all the kittehs licked his feetz for sevn yurs and six monts: an in Jerusalem kittehs licked his feetz thurty three yurs. -- 1 Chronicles 3 5 OMGZ he hasded mor kittehs in Jerusalem!!!!; Shimea, Shobab, Nathan, an Solomon, Bath-shua teh gurl kitteh of Ammiel: -- 1 Chronicles 3 6 An Ibhar, Elishama, Eliphelet, -- 1 Chronicles 3 7 Nogah, Nepheg, Japhia, -- 1 Chronicles 3 8 Elishama, Eliada, an Eliphelet LOL! -- 1 Chronicles 3 9 An he had moar from PENIS GOES WHERE?! cats an he had a gurl kitteh Tamar! -- 1 Chronicles 3 10 An Solomonses kitteh wuz Rehoboam, Abia hiz kitteh, Asa hiz kitteh, Jehoshaphat hiz kitteh, -- 1 Chronicles 3 11 Joram hiz kitteh, Ahaziah hiz kitteh, Joash hiz kitteh, -- 1 Chronicles 3 12 Amaziah hiz kitteh, Azariah hiz kitteh Jotham hiz kitteh, -- 1 Chronicles 3 13 Ahaz hiz kitteh, Hezekiah hiz kitteh, Manasseh hiz kitteh, -- 1 Chronicles 3 14 Amon hiz kitteh, Josiah hiz kitteh. -- 1 Chronicles 3 15 An Josiah had for kittehs! Johanan, Jehoiakim, Zedekiah, an Shallum! LOL -- 1 Chronicles 3 16 An Jehoiakimses kittehs wur Jeconiah an Zedekiah hiz kitteh. -- 1 Chronicles 3 17 Jeconiahses kittehs; Assir, Salathiel hiz kitteh, -- 1 Chronicles 3 18 Malchiram, Pedaiah, Shenazar, Jecamiah, Hoshama, an Nedabiah. -- 1 Chronicles 3 19 An Pedaiah hasded kittehs! ROFL! Zerubbabel, an Shimei! an teh kittehz of Zerubbabel; Meshullam, an Hananiah, an Shelomith teh gurl kitteh: -- 1 Chronicles 3 20 An Hashubah, Ohel, Berechiah, Hasadiah, an Jushab-hesed! Fiv kittehs! -- 1 Chronicles 3 21 An teh kittehs Hananiah; Pelatiah, an Jesaiah: teh kittehs of Rephaiah, teh kittehs of Arnan, teh kittehs of Obadiah, teh kittehs of Shechaniah. -- 1 Chronicles 3 22 An teh kittehs of Shechaniah; Shemaiah: an teh kittehs of Shemaiah: Hattush, Igeal, Bariah, Neariah, an Shaphat! -- 1 Chronicles 3 23 An teh kittehs of Neariah; Elioenai, Hezekiah, an Azrikam. -- 1 Chronicles 3 24 An teh kittehs of Elioenai wuz Hodaiah, Eliashib, Pelaiah, Akkub, Johanan, Dalaiah, an Anani! Sevn kittehz LOL!!1 -- 1 Chronicles 3 1 Philistiines sed, "Israel have no chance to survive make your time!" Israel saids they did not want. They runned away, but some gotts'd pwnt on Mt. Gilboa anywayz. -- 1 Chronicles 10 2 Philistines chased Saul and his peeplz. When dey pwnt Jonathan, Abinadab, and Malchishua, Saul's peeplz, -- 1 Chronicles 10 3 Dey strtd to pwn Saul. Saul got arrow'd by da Philistines's elfs. -- 1 Chronicles 10 4 Saul told his squire-cat to pwn him with a sword, so da uncut bitchiz could not has pwn him more, but da squire-cat was all like, "Wtf!?" so Saul pwnt hisseff, -- 1 Chronicles 10 5 Which made squire-cat go, "WTF!?" even more, so he pwnt hisseff too. -- 1 Chronicles 10 6 So, yeah, Saul's whole family got pwnt rly fast. -- 1 Chronicles 10 7 When the Israel-cats saw Saul and his peeplz dead, they went, "Wtf!?" like squire-cat, but they just ran away. Philistines taked the left cities. -- 1 Chronicles 10 8 Next day, da Philistines went to lewt the bodeez. Dey found Saul and his peeplz on Mt. Gilboa. -- 1 Chronicles 10 9 Dey took their headz, clothingz, and armorz. Dey bringed it all around Philistinesburg. -- 1 Chronicles 10 10 Dey put the armorz in a place for their ceiling-cats, and da headz on a stick in a temple on Dagon. -- 1 Chronicles 10 11 When da peeplz of Jabesh-Gilead herd how pwnt Saul got, -- 1 Chronicles 10 12 Their fighter-class-cats lewted Saul and his peeplz'z bodies back to Jabesh. Dey berried da bonez under a tree and fasted for a whole freakin' week! Wtf!? -- 1 Chronicles 10 13 So Saul died for not doing Ceiling Cat's will, and for listening to a necro, -- 1 Chronicles 10 14 Instead of Ceiling Cat. So Ceiling Cat pwnt Saul, and gave his lewt and kingdom to David, Jesse's kid. -- 1 Chronicles 10 1 all israel came togethr 2 david at hebron an sed, "we r ur own flesh an blood. -- 1 Chronicles 11 2 in da past, even while saul wuz king, u wuz teh wan hoo led israel on their military campaigns. An teh lord ur invisible man sed 2 u, u will sheferd mah peeps israel, an u will become their rulr. " -- 1 Chronicles 11 3 when all teh elders ov israel had come 2 king david at hebron, he made compact wif them at hebron before teh lord, an they anointd david king ovar israel, as teh lord had promisd thru samuel. David pwnz jerusalem -- 1 Chronicles 11 4 david an all teh israelitez marchd 2 jerusalem (dat iz, jebus). Teh jebusiets hoo livd thar -- 1 Chronicles 11 5 sed 2 david, "u will not git in her." anywaiz, david pwnt teh fortres ov zion, teh city ov david. -- 1 Chronicles 11 6 david had sed, "whoevr leadz teh raid on teh jebusiets will become gild leedr." joab son ov zeruiah rushd teh jebusiets, an so he getz to b gild leedr. -- 1 Chronicles 11 7 david den campd in da fortres, an so it wuz calld teh city ov david. -- 1 Chronicles 11 8 he bilt up teh city around it, frum teh supportin terracez 2 teh surroundin wall, while joab restord teh rest ov teh city. -- 1 Chronicles 11 9 an david became moar an moar powerful, cuz Ceiling Cat wuz wif him. Davidz mighty doodz -- 1 Chronicles 11 10 thees wuz teh chiefs ov davidz mighty doodz—they, togethr wif all israel, gaev his kingship strong support 2 extend it ovar teh whole land, as teh lord had promisd -- 1 Chronicles 11 11 dis ar teh teh list ov davidz mighty doodz: Jashobeam, hacmonite, wuz chief ov teh officers; he raisd his spear against 3 hundrd doodz, whom he killd in wan encountr. -- 1 Chronicles 11 12 next 2 him wuz eleazar son ov dodai teh ahohite, wan ov teh 3 mighty doodz. -- 1 Chronicles 11 13 he wuz wif david at pas dammim when teh filistinez gatherd thar 4 battle. At place wer thar wuz field full ov barley, teh troops fld frum teh filistinez. -- 1 Chronicles 11 14 but they took their stand in da middle ov teh field. They defendd it an struck teh filistinez down, an teh lord brought bout great victory. -- 1 Chronicles 11 15 3 ov teh thirty chiefs came down 2 david 2 teh rawk at teh cave ov adullam, while band ov filistinez wuz encampd in da valley ov refaim. -- 1 Chronicles 11 16 at dat tiem david wuz in da stronghold, an teh filistine garrison wuz at bethlehem. -- 1 Chronicles 11 17 david longd 4 watr an sed, "oh, dat someone wud git me drink ov watr frum teh well near teh gate ov bethlehem!" -- 1 Chronicles 11 18 so teh 3 broke thru teh filistine linez, drew watr frum teh well near teh gate ov bethlehem an carrid it bak 2 david. But he refusd 2 drink it; instead, he pourd it out before teh lord. -- 1 Chronicles 11 19 "invisible man forbid dat i shud do dis!" he sed. "shud i drink teh blood ov thees doodz hoo went at teh risk ov their livez?" cuz they riskd their livez 2 brin it bak, david wud not drink it. Such wuz teh hax ov teh 3 mighty doodz. -- 1 Chronicles 11 20 abishai teh brothr ov joab wuz chief ov teh 3. He raisd his spear against 3 hundrd doodz, whom he killd, an so he became as famous as teh 3. -- 1 Chronicles 11 21 he wuz doubly honord aboov teh 3 an became their commandr, even though he wuz not includd among them. -- 1 Chronicles 11 22 benaiah son ov jehoiada wuz valiant fightr frum kabzeel, hoo performd great exploits. He struck down 2 ov moabs best doodz. He also went down into pit on snowy dai an killd lion. -- 1 Chronicles 11 23 an he struck down an egyptian hoo wuz 7 an half feet tall. Although teh egyptian had spear liek weavers rod in his hand, benaiah went against him wif club. He snatchd teh spear frum teh egyptianz hand an killd him wif his own spear. -- 1 Chronicles 11 24 such wuz teh exploits ov benaiah son ov jehoiada; he 2 wuz as famous as teh 3 mighty doodz. -- 1 Chronicles 11 25 he wuz held in greatr honor than any ov teh thirty, but he wuz not includd among teh 3. An david put him in charge ov his bodyguard. -- 1 Chronicles 11 26 teh mighty doodz wuz: asahel teh brothr ov joab, elhanan son ov dodo frum bethlehem, -- 1 Chronicles 11 27 shammoth teh harorite, helez teh pelonite, -- 1 Chronicles 11 28 ira son ov ikkesh frum tekoa, abiezr frum anathoth, -- 1 Chronicles 11 29 sibbecai teh hushathite, ilai teh ahohite, -- 1 Chronicles 11 30 maharai teh netofathite, held son ov baanah teh netofathite, -- 1 Chronicles 11 31 ithai son ov ribai frum gibeah in benjamin, benaiah teh pirathonite, -- 1 Chronicles 11 32 hurai frum teh ravinez ov gaash, abiel teh arbathite, -- 1 Chronicles 11 33 azmaveth teh baharumite, eliahba teh shaalbonite, -- 1 Chronicles 11 34 teh sons ov hashem teh gizonite, jonathan son ov shagee teh hararite, -- 1 Chronicles 11 35 ahiam son ov sacar teh hararite, elifal son ov ur, -- 1 Chronicles 11 36 hefr teh mekerathite, ahijah teh pelonite, -- 1 Chronicles 11 37 hezro teh carmelite, naarai son ov ezbai, -- 1 Chronicles 11 38 joel teh brothr ov nathan, mibhar son ov hagri, -- 1 Chronicles 11 39 zelek teh ammonite, naharai teh berothite, teh armor-bearr ov joab son ov zeruiah, -- 1 Chronicles 11 40 ira teh ithrite, gareb teh ithrite, -- 1 Chronicles 11 41 uriah teh hittite, zabad son ov ahlai, -- 1 Chronicles 11 42 adina son ov shiza teh reubenite, hoo wuz chief ov teh reubenitez, an teh thirty wif him, -- 1 Chronicles 11 43 hanan son ov maacah, joshafat teh mithnite, -- 1 Chronicles 11 44 uzzia teh ashterathite, shama an jeiel teh sons ov hotham teh aroerite, -- 1 Chronicles 11 45 jediael son ov shimri, his brothr joha teh tizite, -- 1 Chronicles 11 46 eliel teh mahavite, jeribai an joshaviah teh sons ov elnaam, ithmah teh moabite, -- 1 Chronicles 11 47 eliel, obd an jaasiel teh mezobaite. -- 1 Chronicles 11 1 These wuz teh kittehs hoo caem to David chillin' at Ziklag, wen he wuz banishd by Saul kitten uv Kish (David can haz dair halp in battul -- 1 Chronicles 12 2 cuz they cud shuut arrowz an stonz wid rite or lef pawz; they wuz frum Saul fambly frum teh trieb uv Benjamin). -- 1 Chronicles 12 3 Wat a mob uv dem! An dey cum frum all over. Heere R dair namz: Ahiezer dair bosscat, Joash sunz uv Shemaah teh Gibeathite; Jeziel an Pelet sunz uv Azmaveth; Beracah, Jehu teh Anathothite -- 1 Chronicles 12 4 Ishmaiah teh Gibeonite, 1 tuff d00d an anodder bosscat; Jeremiah, Jahaziel, Johanan, Jozabad teh Gederathite -- 1 Chronicles 12 5 Eluzai, Jerimoth, Bealiah, Shemariah an Shephatiah teh Haruphite -- 1 Chronicles 12 6 Elkanah, Isshiah, Azarel, Joezer an Jashobeam teh Korahites -- 1 Chronicles 12 7 an Joelah an Zebadiah sunz uv Jeroham frum Gedor. I hoap I sai thoze namz rite. If not - sorri bout dat. -- 1 Chronicles 12 8 Sum Gadites ran awai 2 lik David's fur at hiz dezert fortrus. Dey waz lieks to fite wiv soards. Deyr faces waz liek lions and dey ran fast liek gazellz. -- 1 Chronicles 12 9 Cat Army reporting in! Ezer wuz chief, Obadiah #2 boss kat, Eliab nummer 3. -- 1 Chronicles 12 10 Mishmannah wuz fourf, Jeremiah wuz fif, -- 1 Chronicles 12 11 Attai wuz sixcks, Eliel wuz sebbenth, -- 1 Chronicles 12 12 Johanan wuz ate, Elzabad wuz nynth, -- 1 Chronicles 12 13 Jeremiah wuz tent an Macbannai wuz elebbnth. Srsly. -- 1 Chronicles 12 14 Deez Gaditez were commanderz; they totally pwned, the leest pwned a hundred, the graitest pwned a thousand. Srsly. -- 1 Chronicles 12 15 It wuz dey hoo croxxed teh ribber Jordan, an sayd 2 teh peepul in teh valleyz, "no u can't haz dis land. GTFO srsly kbai." -- 1 Chronicles 12 16 There wuz odder Benjaminites and soem kittehs from Judah hoo also caem 2 David in hiz foart. -- 1 Chronicles 12 17 And teh David goed out to sayed 'Ohai!!1" and stufz and sayed if u mens came nice to halp me an U can has cher of mah cookies or bukkit; but if u bad mens, Ceiling Cat luks n sezz go wai! -- 1 Chronicles 12 18 And den Asamai get relijin and he sayz we like u David, sun uv Jesse. srsly. Weer nummer 1! And then David made dem bosscatz. -- 1 Chronicles 12 19 And then some mens frum Manasseh falled to David when David bringed Filisteens to battul Saul. Bastards said no can has help. Lord of Filistines sayz they will fallded to Saul. -- 1 Chronicles 12 20 And he went to Ziklag (I swear. No made up that name) and there falleded lots of guys wit funny namez who was captains of the mens Manasseh. -- 1 Chronicles 12 21 They haz helpd David agenst raiding bandz, cuz all of themz were braev warriorz and srsly pwned. Rly. -- 1 Chronicles 12 22 The menz caem to help David, until hiz army big an srsly pwnz. Srsly, like Ceiling Cat's army. -- 1 Chronicles 12 23 Lookit da siz uv David's armi, as he com to take Saul's bukkit and lan and sheepz an stuff. -- 1 Chronicles 12 24 He can has menz of Judah, they can haz sheeld n spear- 6,800 reddi 4 fite; -- 1 Chronicles 12 39 The men wuz drinkin wif David for three dayz, an havin cheezburgerz, their familiez made foodz but didn't eated dem. -- 1 Chronicles 12 1 Nows Hiram king of Tires IMded David, also wit scratching posts, rock stackers and woodzmakers to make himz a cardboard box. -- 1 Chronicles 14 2 And David knew dat Celing Cat had madz him 15lbd Cat in 5lbs box over da Jewz and thatz hiz kingdom had been Cheezburgrzed for the sake of his Jewz. -- 1 Chronicles 14 3 In Drewsalem David took more places for hairballs and made smore kittens. -- 1 Chronicles 14 4 Hiz Kittenzs was named: Shammua, Shobab, Nathan, Solomon, -- 1 Chronicles 14 5 Ibhar, Elishua, Elpelet, -- 1 Chronicles 14 6 Nogah, Nepheg, Japhia, -- 1 Chronicles 14 7 Elishama, Beeliada [a] and Eliphelet. -- 1 Chronicles 14 8 Dumb dogz heard that David had been made head cat of the Jewz, they were not amused, They wants make Trap, but David heardz bout dat and went to your yard to start a gang. -- 1 Chronicles 14 9 Now the Supit Dowgz raided the Valley of Rephaim; -- 1 Chronicles 14 10 So David axt Celing Cat: "Shall I Make traps for da dawgs? Will you helps me trap dowgs?" Celing Cat sayz, "Go, I gives you Trapz." -- 1 Chronicles 14 11 So David and Monorail Cat and Hover Cat and Door Cat wentz up to Baal Perazim, and there day made trapz and trapzed the Dawgz. He said, "As I makes peepee, Celing Cat has pwned my enemies wit me pawz." So dat place was called Baal Perazim. [b] -- 1 Chronicles 14 12 The Stupid Dawgs had abandoned their gods there, so David say Use lazrs and cast fireballz at dem. -- 1 Chronicles 14 13 Ugg Stupid Dawgs attak again; -- 1 Chronicles 14 14 so David say "hey Celing Cat wtf?, and Celing Cat say, "Do not attack str8 on like Banzi Cat , but make circles round and they will be like unspecting cat and will suspect nothing. -- 1 Chronicles 14 15 Soon as you hearz paws, makes traps, because that meanz Celing Cat Was in you valleyz with BFG shootn' at your Dawgz." -- 1 Chronicles 14 16 David cat does as Celing Cat says, an day pwned the noob dawgs army, all the way from Gibeon to Gezer. -- 1 Chronicles 14 17 So David cat gots big ups, and the Celing Cat blowd up his spots all over da place. -- 1 Chronicles 14 1 O hai. Sowlomen can has minions, cuz Ceiling Cat lets him has cheezberger. -- 2 Chronicles 1 2 2 billion minions. Sowlomen can has dem. Srsly. -- 2 Chronicles 1 3 Sowlomen tooks minions to Gibeon wer Hole in Ceiling is (Mosus maed Hole in Ceiling 4 Ceiling cat in backyard). -- 2 Chronicles 1 4 But urlier, Sowlomens dad Dave was liek 'Im in ur base takin ur ark of Ceiling Cat and puttin in Kiriath-jearim.' and puts it in difurnt Hole in Ceiling. Daves minions were liek 'LOL! LOL!' -- 2 Chronicles 1 5 Is big bowl under first Hole in Ceiling and Sowlomen and his minions were liek 'Wers it at? lol'. Bazalel made it with teh bronze, his dad Hur is liek 'WTF Bowl? lmao' -- 2 Chronicles 1 6 Sowlomen sez 'Der it is.' n putted teh tunas in teh bowl (1000 tunas). -- 2 Chronicles 1 7 L8r, Ceiling Cats comes and sez 'OMG 1000 tunas ftw' n he eats dem. Sez 'Want preznits?' -- 2 Chronicles 1 8 Sowlomens liek 'U gived Dad cheezeberger, and gived me minions...' -- 2 Chronicles 1 9 '...n u gived Dad liek 99 l3wts, and t3h fake car...', n Ceiling cat was liek 'lol', n Sowlomen was liek 'lol' -- 2 Chronicles 1 10 '...halp me grind my INT n WIS stats so I can has MOAR minionses.' -- 2 Chronicles 1 11 Ceiling Cats liek '1337. I thot u wanted golds, and itums, and wpnz and more HP, and a guildhall...' -- 2 Chronicles 1 12 '...I wil halp u lvl. And heres 2 billion golds, maybe 4' -- 2 Chronicles 1 13 Then Sowlomen went home. Ppl was liek 'Sowlomen ftw' -- 2 Chronicles 1 14 He sez 'Capture/buy horseses and rhinoses and put them liek evrywhere' -- 2 Chronicles 1 15 He sez 'Evry1 can has cookie n cheezberger!'. Evry1s liek 'w00tz0rz' -- 2 Chronicles 1 16 Minions went 2 Egypt n wer liek 'WTB horses n rhinos'. Egypt wuz liek 'WTS horses'. Minions wer liek '80g ea?' Egypt wuz liek 'AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAA 600g ea'. D00d named 'Q' wuz liek 'WTS rhinos 150g ea.'. Minions r liek 'want all u hav' -- 2 Chronicles 1 17 They has horses n rhinos 4 cheep so many dat Sowlomen sells som 2 frendz. -- 2 Chronicles 1 1 Sowlomen bild Hole in Ceiling 4 Ceiling Cat n bilt hems3lf guilhhall. -- 2 Chronicles 2 2 Gots 70,000 kittehs 2 carry all his stufz n 80,000 kittehs 2 get stonz n 3,600 2 be liek 'u get moar stoanz lolz' -- 2 Chronicles 2 3 Sent letr 2 Hurum (King of Tire), 'U + ur dad = buttsecks. U snd woods 2me or I youtube I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE 1 MILLION VEIWS' -- 2 Chronicles 2 4 'im maeking moar Holes in Ceiling for Ceiling Cat n tuna preznits, n c@kez ,n moar tuna preznits evry day, cuz lawz sez 2. -- 2 Chronicles 2 5 'Wil b bigg3st Hole in Ceiling EVA, cuz Ceiling Cat eated Zooce n Molock n all gawds.' -- 2 Chronicles 2 6 'lol, teh Ceiling Cat is rly 2 big 4 it but hee wil yuse it 4 tuna st0rage.' -- 2 Chronicles 2 7 'U snd me a kitteh wth crafting sklls to craft me t0ns of nue stufz 4 me n Ceiling Cat!' -- 2 Chronicles 2 8 'I LOVE WOOD! Snd it. Ur kittehs mus teech mah kittehs 2 maek it.' -- 2 Chronicles 2 9 'Wil bild t3h kckass Hole in Ceiling wif wud.' -- 2 Chronicles 2 10 'Mah kittehs wil halp n wil bring 2 billion fudz. Rmbr: 1 MILLION VEIWS. kthxbai' -- 2 Chronicles 2 11 Hurum was liek, 'OMG kk' -- 2 Chronicles 2 12 'Dun post pls' -- 2 Chronicles 2 13 'I wil snd WUD n skilt kittehs' -- 2 Chronicles 2 14 'pls dun post' -- 2 Chronicles 2 15 'u snd ur kittehs 2 halp pls' -- 2 Chronicles 2 16 'Pls dun post. srsly. kthxbai' -- 2 Chronicles 2 17 Sowlomen was liek 'lol' n dcyded 2 count immigrants. OMG 153,600 immigrants? -- 2 Chronicles 2 18 He was liek 'OMGWTFWWID?' n maed 70,000 crry his stufz n 80,000 2 gt stoanz n 3,600 2 say 'gt moar stoanz lolz' -- 2 Chronicles 2 1 Teh spirit of Ceiling Cat sez "o hai Azariah, kitteh of Oded." -- 2 Chronicles 15 2 Azariah then saided to Asa "listen yer, Ceiling Cat is watching you masturbate, and you watches him, but if you try pwn him he will pwnded you. -- 2 Chronicles 15 3 Ceiling Cat haz not been to Izral for few years cuz flights costeded too much, -- 2 Chronicles 15 4 so when they feeling sick they call Ceiling Cat anywayz, and he wuz liek o hai w/e. -- 2 Chronicles 15 5 Back then evrywun DO NOT WANT travel about cuz teh next d00d wud jus be liek GET OUT OF MY BASE, -- 2 Chronicles 15 6 cuz Ceiling Cat kept having invisible buttseckz with tehm. -- 2 Chronicles 15 7 Just dont get AIDS and you can haz rewards k?" -- 2 Chronicles 15 8 Then Asa went to Judahs howse an lookded at teh detestable idols an said DO NOT WANT, an fixeded teh altar to Ceiling Cat. -- 2 Chronicles 15 9 Then he gets flat pack crowdz of peepls and assembleded them, they wuz happy cuz Ceiling Cat was watching them. -- 2 Chronicles 15 10 15 yrs latr in March he finisheded putting teh tihng togehter. -- 2 Chronicles 15 11 When he finished he killeded 700 moocow and 7000 sheep an gotz an 7000000 concrete donkeyz. -- 2 Chronicles 15 12 O yeh an everywun forgotteded wehre wuz Ceiling Cat so dey hadded to find him again. -- 2 Chronicles 15 13 Everywun who was just like o yer w/e wuz haxxed. -- 2 Chronicles 15 14 Then dere wuz trumpetz -- 2 Chronicles 15 15 an evrywun wuz rejoisin. -- 2 Chronicles 15 16 Then Asa sez to his grandmothr "DO NOT WANT, you has a stik with invisible error". He burned teh stik, -- 2 Chronicles 15 17 then was liek ZOMG I LOVE CEILING CAT, -- 2 Chronicles 15 18 then he put shini fings on teh altar. -- 2 Chronicles 15 19 Dere wuz no moar war until lyk 20 yrs l8r. -- 2 Chronicles 15 1 Right awayz Cyrus, Persian top cat, to makes the wurd of teh Ceiling Cat by the mouf of Jeremiah truth, the Ceiling Cat riled hims up and made him says and writted it down, -- Ezra 1 2 Cyrus top cat of Persia sayz Ceiling Cat done gotted me all kingdoms of urth; and he wanted me make him a house at Jerusalem, in Judah. -- Ezra 1 3 Oh, Hai? Who iz of LOLcats? Ceiling Cat be with him, go gets him up to Judah and makes a house for the Ceiling Cat of Israel, (he iz Ceiling Cat,) which is in Jerusalem. -- Ezra 1 4 And whos stayz where he goed, let thems gives him silber, bling, and cheezburgers, besides the other stuff gives to the Ceiling Cat house that is in Jerusalem. -- Ezra 1 5 Then he gets up with the other cats and the Levites, with Benjamins, to goes and build the Ceiling Cat house in Jerusalem. -- Ezra 1 6 And everyone gives them silber, bling, and cheezburgers, even not eated them even after giving the other stuff. -- Ezra 1 7 Cyrus the Persian top cat also bringed out Nebuchandnezzares stuff, and putted them in the Cat house too; -- Ezra 1 8 Even all that stuff did Cyrus Persian top cat bringed out by the paws of Mithredath the treasurer, and counted thems out to Seshbazzar, bestest cat of Judah. -- Ezra 1 9 And teh numberz be: thirty plates of cheezburgers, a thowzand plates of silber, not quite thirty knifes, -- Ezra 1 10 Thirty bowls of cheezburgers, a bunch of silber bowls, and about a thowzand other stuffs. -- Ezra 1 11 All the stuffs were five thowzand and four hundred. Sheshbazzar did gotted them out of Babylon and putted them in Jerusalem. -- Ezra 1 1 Now the kittehs of the place that Nebuchandnezzars stolened off to Babylon, and comes back to Jerusalem and Judah; -- Ezra 2 2 Dat comez with Zerubbabel: Jeshua, Nehemiah, Seraiah, Reelaiiah, Mordecai, Bilshan, Mizpar, Bigvai, Rehum, Baanah. The numberz of catz of Israel: -- Ezra 2 3 Teh kittehs of Parosh, two thowzands and hunnderd seventy two. -- Ezra 2 4 Teh kittehs of Shephatiah, three hunnderd seventy two. -- Ezra 2 5 Teh kittehs of Arah, seven hunnderd seventy and five. -- Ezra 2 6 Teh kittehs of Pahath moab, of the kittehs of Jeshua and Joab, two thowzands and eight hunnderd an twelve. -- Ezra 2 7 Teh kittehs of Elam, a thowzand and two hunnderd and fifty and four. -- Ezra 2 8 Teh kittehs of Zattu, nine hunnderd and fourty and five. -- Ezra 2 9 Teh kittehs of Zaccai, seven hunnderd and threescorez. -- Ezra 2 10 Teh kittehs of Bani, six hunnderd forty and two. -- Ezra 2 11 Teh kittehs of Bebai, six hunnderd twenty and three. -- Ezra 2 12 Teh kittehs of Azgad, thowzand two hunnderd twenty and two. -- Ezra 2 1 Den, teh profets, Haggai teh profet, an Zechariah teh son of Iddo, profezied unto teh Jews dat were in Judah an Jerusalem in teh name of teh Ceiling Cat of Israel, even unto dem. -- Ezra 5 2 Den rose up Zerubbabel teh son of Shealtiel, an Jeshua teh son of Jozadak, an began to build teh house of Ceiling Cat which is at Jerusalem: an wif fem were teh prophets of Ceiling Cat helping fem. -- Ezra 5 3 At teh same time came to fem Tattenai, governor on fis side teh river, an Shethar-Bozenai an feir companions, an said fus unto fem, who haf commanded you to build fis house, an to make up fis wall? -- Ezra 5 4 fen said we unto fem after fis manner, what are teh names of teh men fat make fis building? -- Ezra 5 5 But teh eye of feir Ceiling Cat wuz upon teh elders of teh Jews, fat fey cud not cause fem to cease, till teh matter came to Darius: an fen fey returned answer by letter concerning fis matter. -- Ezra 5 6 teh copy of teh letter fat Tattenai, governor on fis side teh river, an Shethar-Bozenai an his companions teh Apharsachites, which were on fis side teh river, sent unto Darius teh king: -- Ezra 5 7 fey sent a letter unto him, wherein wuz written fus; Unto Darius teh king, all peace. -- Ezra 5 8 Be it known unto teh king, fat we went into teh province of Judah, to teh house of teh great God, which is builded wif great stones, an timber is laid in teh walls, an fis work goef fast on, an prosperef in feir hands. -- Ezra 5 9 fen asked we fose elders, an said unto fem fus, Who commanded you to build fis house, an to make up dese walls? -- Ezra 5 10 We asked feir names also, to certify fee, fat we might write teh names of teh men fat were teh chief of fem. -- Ezra 5 11 an fus fey returned us answer, saying, We are teh servants of teh Ceiling Cat of heaven an earf, an build teh house fat wuz builded fese many years ago, which a great king of Israel builded an set up. -- Ezra 5 12 But after fat our fafers had provoked teh God of heaven unto wraf, he gave fem into teh hand of Nebuchadnezzar teh king of Babylon, teh Chaldean, who destroyed fis house, an carried teh people away into Babylon. -- Ezra 5 13 But in teh first year of Cyrus teh king of Babylon teh same king Cyrus made a decree to build fis house of God. -- Ezra 5 14 an teh vessels also of gold an silver of teh house of Ceiling Cat, which Nebuchadnezzar took out of teh temple fat wuz in Jerusalem, an brought fem into teh temple of Babylon, fose did Cyrus teh king take out of teh temple of Babylon, an fey were delivered unto one, whose name wuz Sheshbazzar, whom he had made governor; -- Ezra 5 15 an said unto him, Take fese vessels, go, carry fem into teh temple fat is in Jerusalem, an let teh house of Ceiling Cat be builded in his place. -- Ezra 5 16 fen came teh same Sheshbazzar, an laid teh foundation of teh house of Ceiling Cat which is in Jerusalem: an since fat time even until now haf it been in building, an yet it is not finished. -- Ezra 5 17 Now ferefore, if it seem good to teh king, let fere be search made in teh king's treasure house, which is fere at Babylon, whefer it be so, fat a decree wuz made of Cyrus teh king to build fis house of God at Jerusalem, an let teh king send his pleasure to us conserning fis matter. -- Ezra 5 1 Oh hai! Dis Nehemiah speakz u. -- Nehemiah 1 2 Me litter-bro, Hanini (meowwwnwhine), come an we tawk ov kittehz who scaped from cage. -- Nehemiah 1 3 "Yo, kittehz scape but still loads trubble stuff an all city iz broke an big fierz all over”. -- Nehemiah 1 4 Weepiez. -- Nehemiah 1 5 Ceiling Cat - haelp. -- Nehemiah 1 6 Me an me litter haz bin bad. -- Nehemiah 1 7 We run off an do lolzstuff that MosesKitteh sez "No - d00d - iz bad". -- Nehemiah 1 8 Invisible errors - no get Cheezburgrz. -- Nehemiah 1 9 "Ceiling Cat, we sorry, iz ok, k?" -- Nehemiah 1 10 Ceiling Cat iz strong an do all ting. -- Nehemiah 1 11 Hear kittehz, O Ceiling Cat an let us has Cheezburgrz. Tx. -- Nehemiah 1 1 In teh month (not teh car, n00b!) uv Nisan in teh 20th year of King Artaxerxes wen dey brot him hiz wine, I taeks teh wine & he can haz it. I had nvr bn srs near him b4 -- Nehemiah 2 2 so teh King ast me "O hay, wtf d00d, why u so srs wen u not sick? U must be rilly sad, wtfbbq?" & I wuz skeered. -- Nehemiah 2 3 but I sez to teh king, "oh hai, teh city where I iz from haz been pwned and itz gatez all burn up." -- Nehemiah 2 4 & teh king sez 2 me, "So wut u want?" & I prayz 2 Ceiling Cat -- Nehemiah 2 5 & I answerz teh king, "Oh btw if u liek I cn go tehre & fix it all up." -- Nehemiah 2 6 Then the king (wif queen Bside him) ast me how long it takez to do & wen I get back to give him hiz wine so I makez sumpin up. -- Nehemiah 2 7 & I sez "Oh btw if u liek can I haz passprt so teh governorz of Trans-Euphrates not eatz me? -- Nehemiah 2 8 & can I haz woodz to build wif?" & Ceiling Cat makez 4 sure I haz all this & cheezburger 2. -- Nehemiah 2 9 & I goez to teh governorz & givez them my passprt. & teh king sent me wif army 2, wif lazors & stuffz. -- Nehemiah 2 10 Wen Sanballat the Horonite and Tobiah the Ammonite hearz this tehy wuz srsly pissed and wuz liek wtf? Cuz tehy did not liek teh Israelites. -- Nehemiah 2 11 I goez 1 Jerusalem an stayz 3 days -- Nehemiah 2 12 I goez @nite wen v. dark wif a few d00ds. I wuz keepin secret wut I wuz tehre 2 do. & I rided one horz, & no 1 else got any horzes bcuz I r0kks. -- Nehemiah 2 13 & bai nite I goez thru teh Valley Gate to teh Jackal Well & teh Dung Gate (wtf? iz liek cat flap 4 poops) & I saw that teh wallz had bin srsly pwned & teh gates hackz0red wif lazors & burnded. -- Nehemiah 2 14 Then I goez twrd teh Fountain Gate & teh King'z Pool but my horz cudn't get thru bcuz he wuz 2 fat wtf; -- Nehemiah 2 15 so I goez up teh valley in teh dark (& its gud my eyez r lazors lol) & inspeckt teh wall. Finally, I comez back thru teh Valley Gate bcuz teh Poop Gate smellz like teh uzed kitty litter. -- Nehemiah 2 16 no 1 of priesties or officialz knowz wut I didded bcuz I is l33t & didn't tell em taht they wud do all teh workz of buildin wile I sittin on my horz & watchin. -- Nehemiah 2 17 I sez 2 em, "U see taht Jerusalem been pwned & itz gates laz0red & burnded. Letz rebuild it & not b pwned anymoar." -- Nehemiah 2 18 an I tellz em teh king Artaxerxes wuz payin & taht Ceiling Cat wuz in on it 2. Thei sed "Letz rebuild" & tehy started workin. -- Nehemiah 2 19 But Sanballat the Horonite, Tobiah the Ammonite official and Geshem the Arab were srly wtf & called us n00bz & ast if we wuz hackz0ring teh king. -- Nehemiah 2 20 & I sez 2 em, "Ceiling Cat is watching you masturbate & all Jerusalem base r belong to us." -- Nehemiah 2 1 OK so like de furst to sine was de govnor, Nehemiah sun o Hacaliah, An den Zedekiah sined. De followin also sined. -- Nehemiah 10 2 Preezts: Seraiah, Azariah, Jeremiah, Pashhur, Amariah, Malchijah, Hattush, Shebaniah, malluch, Harim, Meremoth, Obadiah, Daniel, Ginnethon, Baruch, Meshullam, Abijah, Mijamin, Maaziah, Bilgai, An Shemaiah. -- Nehemiah 10 9 Levitez: Jeshua son o Azaniah -- Nehemiah 10 1 Wuz Ahasuerus (Ahasuerus rulz Injuns An Ethiopia, lotz o plazes) -- Esther 1 2 King Ahasuerus haz chair and big houz in Shushan -- Esther 1 3 In teh third yeer, he maked cheezburgrs An cookies, giv to prinz An servntz; teh powerz Purrsia n Media wuz ther -- Esther 1 4 He haz lots shiny thingz, took long time 2 show -- Esther 1 5 He haz partee for 7 dayz in teh leaves in teh houz -- Esther 1 6 Was hangin things to play wit and bedz to sleep -- Esther 1 7 Lotz to drinkz -- Esther 1 8 King sayd to every cat in houz, drink lotz -- Esther 1 9 Queen Vashti also haz partee -- Esther 1 10 On partee dai 7 King tol male cats wit no PENIS GOES WHERE -- Esther 1 11 Getz Vashti so i can sho her like shiny things -- Esther 1 12 Vashti went AFK. king got agro -- Esther 1 13 King askd smrt ppl: -- Esther 1 14 Wit 7 princes -- Esther 1 15 Wht shd hapn wit Vashti, she iz gai -- Esther 1 16 Memucan sai Vishti hert every boy lolcat -- Esther 1 17 Vishti inspyr all girlz to be bad -- Esther 1 18 Teh ladyz now haz rath -- Esther 1 19 Royl comand dat king find nother grl -- Esther 1 20 All grls shud PENIS GOES WHERE guyz -- Esther 1 21 King was like happycat -- Esther 1 22 erwon got letterz -- Esther 1 1 King Ahasuerus was lke happycat, he remeberd Vashti and lost happy -- Esther 2 2 Servntz askd for yung virginz for king -- Esther 2 3 King made head lolcats to find virginz and bring 2 houz, they given loot for make prety -- Esther 2 4 Teh grl who make king mostest happycat winz lol An take vishti places -- Esther 2 5 Ther was mordecai son of benjamite -- Esther 2 6 was careed from cat city -- Esther 2 7 Mordecai haz esther for dawter cuz paretnz ded -- Esther 2 8 Lotz of ppl brawt to houz cluding esther -- Esther 2 9 Esther pleez hegai cuz esther has flavor and got bestest roomz in teh houz -- Esther 2 10 Esther no showz peeps she jewz -- Esther 2 11 Mordecai was interested cat is interested bout esther -- Esther 2 12 Grls got rdy for PENIS GOES WHERE wit king 4 yeer and given l00t to get prety -- Esther 2 13 All grls went to king wit l00t -- Esther 2 14 Esther waz caled esther -- Esther 2 15 Lotz of ppl thinks esther haz flavor -- Esther 2 16 On 7 yeer rule esther haz PENIS GOES WHERE -- Esther 2 17 King haz luv 4 esther because she haz flavor and other vrginz are doing it wrong; esther got hat -- Esther 2 18 King haz make cheezburgers and kookies for prinzs An esther -- Esther 2 19 Virginz was togeder with mordecai sees what you do there on gate -- Esther 2 20 Esther no tellz ppl she jewz cuz mordecai sayz so -- Esther 2 21 Mordecai saw what bigthan and teresh did there -- Esther 2 22 Mordecai tellz esther An esther tells king what bigthan and teresh sayz -- Esther 2 23 Teh king killz them guyz ded and wrote down what happenz -- Esther 2 1 Xerxes put Haman, sun of teh Agagite, in hi place -- Esther 3 2 All srvntz of king haz scared of Haman, but Mordecai no haz scared -- Esther 3 3 Srvntz axe Mordecai y u no haz scared -- Esther 3 4 Mordecai waz leik lol noobz i jew -- Esther 3 5 Haman saw wat Mordecai did there and he haz agro -- Esther 3 6 Haman h8t An want kil ded all Jews because dey do it wrong -- Esther 3 7 At rite timez -- Esther 3 8 Haman sez 2 king thes peeps do it wrong -- Esther 3 9 Des guyz are gai -- Esther 3 10 Hamen gotz circle from king -- Esther 3 11 King saiz do it -- Esther 3 12 King haz scribses tel ppl bout wat will happn -- Esther 3 13 Teh letterz sais kil al Jews no mater wat and take ther l00t -- Esther 3 14 Erbudy rdy up -- Esther 3 15 King haz drinkz but othr ppl r liek wtf -- Esther 3 1 Mordecai no want, he putz on sad clothes An hissed -- Esther 4 2 Went to teh gate of teh houz -- Esther 4 3 Al plases ppl haz sad An jewz no haz cheezburgers An hissing -- Esther 4 4 Esther herd bout dis stuffs and had sad, she sent prity shirt to mordecai but he no want -- Esther 4 5 Esther tellz hatach go get mordecai an askz him wazzup -- Esther 4 6 He did -- Esther 4 7 Mordecai waz leik haman is gonna kil al jewz An giv cheezburgers to king -- Esther 4 8 Mordecai tellz hatach 2 tellz esther 2 tellz king to stop wtf r u doin -- Esther 4 9 He did -- Esther 4 10 Esther tel hatach go 2 mordecai agen -- Esther 4 11 Esther waz leik tel Mordecai king wil kil me if i go to him becuz it lawz -- Esther 4 12 He did -- Esther 4 13 Mordecai waz leik do it n e way -- Esther 4 14 If u dont ur parentz will be pwnd -- Esther 4 15 Esther sai rdy set go -- Esther 4 16 Esther sayz tel jewz no eet cheezburgerz or drinkz for 3 dayz An i go 2 king An i mite di -- Esther 4 17 He did -- Esther 4 1 In teh land of Uz wuz a man calded Job. Teh man wuz goodz, afraid of teh Ceiling Cat and evilz. -- Job 1 2 Teh man hadz seven sunz and tree doters, -- Job 1 3 And lots of sheepz and camlez and rinoceruseses and servnts, srsly. -- Job 1 4 His sunz tok turns mading cookies, and they all eated them. -- Job 1 5 And Job wuz liek "Oh noes! Wut if cookies were sin? Gota prey, just in cased." -- Job 1 5 Teh ayngles wented to seez Ceiling Cat, and Saitin wented 2. -- Job 1 6 Ceiling Cat axt Saitin, "Wher u wuz?" Saitin saied "Oh, hai. I'z wuz in ur earth, woking up and down uponz it." -- Job 1 7 Teh Ceiling Cat sayd "Has u seen mai servnt Job? He can has cheezburger cuz he laiks me." -- Job 1 8 "No wai!" sed Saitin. -- Job 1 9 "U just plyin favrits. -- Job 1 10 If u take his cheezburgers, he no laiks u no moar." -- Job 1 11 Then teh Ceiling Cat sed "Okai, u can take his bukkit, but no hurtzing Job hissef." And then Saitin went awai. -- Job 1 12 Wun day Jobes' sunz and doters were eateding cookies at teh oldest wuns hoose, -- Job 1 13 And a mans cam to told Job a mesege. "Ur donkzeys and moo cows was eateding grass" -- Job 1 14 And thens teh servnts was atacked by some dudez and ur naminals was stoldz by them and only i got wai." -- Job 1 15 And then anotter mans cam to told Job a diffrant mesege. He sed "Teh Ceiling Cat maids fyr fall from teh skys and it burnded ur sheepz and more servnts and only i got awai." -- Job 1 16 And thens a more diffranter mans cam to told Job a mesege. "Sum Chaldean dudez took ur rinoceroseseses and killd moar servnts and only i got wai." -- Job 1 17 And then 1 moar mans cam to told Job a mesege. -- Job 1 18 "Ur sunz howse feld over and skishded evryones. Sry." -- Job 1 19 Then Job got upt and shaved and was liek "Gota prey now." -- Job 1 20 "Teh Ceiling Cat giv me cheezburger, teh Ceiling Cat takded mah cheezburger awai. I stil laiks teh Ceiling Cat." -- Job 1 21 And teh Ceiling Cat sed "I winz!!" -- Job 1 1 On a diffranter day moar anguls cam and prezents themselfs befor Ceiling Cat, and Satan cam wit dem also. -- Job 2 2 And Ceiling Cat say to Satan, "Where wer u?" Satan said bak to da Ceiling Cat, "Im in ur erths, woking up and down uponz it. Dint I tell yu dis befor?" And Ceiling Cat wuz like, "oh yeah, sry" and Satan said, "its k." -- Job 2 3 Then Ceiling Cat says to Satan, "Has u seen mai servnt Job? He can has cheezburger cuz he laiks me stil en he hatez yu still, even tho yu eated all hiz cookiez and killeded hiz servnts and stuff wit no resons. Haha!" -- Job 2 4 "Cookiez for cookiez!" Satan said back. "Any man wil giv all for hiz own lifez -- Job 2 5 I betz if yu hitz his body and boneses he gunna cursed yu ugly face." -- Job 2 6 Ceiling Cat den say, "K, he iz urs. Jus dun kil him, that be bad." -- Job 2 7 Satan went out onto deh Erth and gave Job teh herpiz all over hiz body, even on hiz feetz and head. -- Job 2 8 Job wuz nazty en he scrapeded off hiz sores and eatted them. -- Job 2 9 Job's bitch said to Job, "OMG. Curse god and get dead, stoopid." -- Job 2 10 And Job wuz like, "OMG, joo ar stoopid. We accept cookiez from Ceiling Cat but dunt let him takeded teh cookiez away? Why dun yu jus go awayz!" Job dint not sin teh whole time! -- Job 2 11 Den Job's tree frendz, der namez wer Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar, herd bout al teh problemesez that Job hads and they went away from der homez and met and they cames to makes Job feelz betta. -- Job 2 12 When dey saw Job they saweded that he looked very ugliez and they say "Who diz ugli womanz?" and den dey saw it was Job and dey criez and stuffs. Den dey got nakedz for som reeson but I dun know wai. -- Job 2 13 Den tey got down onto the groundz wit Job and staid wit him for seven days and seven nitez and they did no speeks, becuz dey saw how big Job suferin wuz. -- Job 2 1 Den aftr diz Job open hiz mouf and curseded the day he cames out of hiz mommiez -- Job 3 2 He sayz: -- Job 3 3 "May teh day I wus born go awayz, and teh nite it wuz say, 'I has a girl! Wait, I wuz wrong, I has a boy!' -- Job 3 4 Dat day, mays Dr. Brown goez back to teh pasts and makes that day dark; may Ceiling Cat in teh skiez not care; may me has no lite. -- Job 3 5 May deh shadows pwnz it againz; may teh cloudz go en fart teh dark on it; may teh dark squisheded its lite. -- Job 3 6 I beez emo! May teh night lay thick on itz; may teh day I born not beez inclooded in deh dayz of teh yeer; and it teh not be entered in any monthses. -- Job 3 7 May that nite have no babiez; may no loud werdz be herd from itz. -- Job 3 8 May dose dat do teh useless job of cursen dayz curse dat dey, dohs dat are redy to arouse teh diabeetus kitteh. -- Job 3 9 May itz mornin starz becom dark; may it wat for deylite ins vayn and not see teh buttcrack of teh dawn, -- Job 3 10 For itz not shutz teh dorez of teh vagina on me to hidez troubles from mai eyesez. -- Job 3 11 Why did I nots be madeded! Why did I notz die from teh vagina squished me? -- Job 3 12 Why didz teh kneez of peoples have to let me on and boobiez I suckz on? -- Job 3 13 For I would be deadz; and sleeping foreverz -- Job 3 14 Wit teh crown wearzors and teh cowseloors of teh eerthz, whoze builded for demselfs places now layin down and brokeded. -- Job 3 15 Wit rulerz who has cheezburgers en filled der howses wit hamburgerz. -- Job 3 16 Or, or or, why wuz I nots hidd in teh grownd lik a ded babey, like an infunt whoses neva see teh lite? -- Job 3 17 Der teh wicked peeples stop troublez and der teh lazy beez at rested. -- Job 3 18 Teh slavez njoy der eases; for dey no more hearz teh slave big man's yellz. -- Job 3 19 Teh lil wunz and teh big wunz are dere, and teh slave has freedom en cheezburgers. -- Job 3 20 Why iz teh lite giv me sad timez, and why duz lifez give bitterz of sole, -- Job 3 21 To doze dat are emos and want deths that doz not come and doze dat serch for more den teh hidden cheezburgers. -- Job 3 22 Who are fillz wit happynes and make happy noizes when dey reech teh dead place. -- Job 3 23 Wai iz lifez given to mens whoze ways beez hiddeded, who Ceiling Cat has lockeded in? -- Job 3 24 For teh sying comez to me and I has no foodz; my bellowinz beez out like watur. -- Job 3 25 Whut I am afraidz of haz com upon me; what I am afraidz of haz happenz to me. -- Job 3 26 I havez no peace! No quiet placez! I havez no sleepz! I havez only problems! I go cuts myself now. I beez emo." -- Job 3 1 Tehn Eliphaz, teh Temanite saied bak -- Job 4 2 "Ifs 1 shud haz a wurd wiht u, wudz u haz no cookiez? But whu canz not to talkz? -- Job 4 3 But u teached bunch of peeplez, and u maded stronged fallin' cheezburgers. -- Job 4 4 Ur werds holded up peeplez whoz cookies haz falled, ands u haz helded ups bended kneez. -- Job 4 5 But u haz losted ur heartz becuz u getted ur cheezburgrs taked form u, so u iz nots happee. -- Job 4 6 Warez ur wurriez? Whaiz ur notted storng?!?! Howz cumz u cant watez?? WTF?!?!?! Whaiz ur nots purrfectz?? -- Job 4 7 Remembrz, nbdy gets skwishered form beings too cuterz!! Wehnz teh storngered beez beated up?!?! -- Job 4 8 I'z sawed evilz peeplez be emoz, adnz tehy sitz adn criez, -- Job 4 9 Teh Ceiling Cat maded tehmz criez, bcuz tehyz r badz. KTHNX. -- Job 4 10 Teh lionz meowz, itz cookies waz taked, adn itz cheezburgrz waz eated. -- Job 4 11 Teh tigerz also gots itz cheezburgrz eated, adn teh kittehs runded awaiz. -- Job 4 12 Adn I'z herds a wisperz cuz mai earz r reel sharpz like, kthnx. -- Job 4 13 Adnz wehn I'z waz asleepz, Iz hadded a badz dream. -- Job 4 14 I waz all scaredz and fritered, kthnx. -- Job 4 15 Mai harez all standz uppers likez I waz electrix! -- Job 4 16 Adnz I sawz sumthin' likez a grt cookie!! Adnz it smellered rly goooodz!!!!! -- Job 4 17 Rz we niced liekz teh Ceiling Cat? Or iz r flvr gooder tahn teh Ceiling Cat? -- Job 4 18 Ceiling Cat'z ayngles r badz, adn Hiz peeplez r laziez. -- Job 4 19 Wehnz will tehy stopped beinz eated liekz teh cheezburgrz? -- Job 4 20 Tehyz be eated all dayz becuz nbdy getz itz liek tehy shudz, adnz tehyz all be eated foreverz!!! Kthnx. -- Job 4 21 Tohse leftz haz gotz no cookiez. Tehy getz eated 2 becuz tehy arez stoopid. Kbai." -- Job 4 1 So dat d00d Job opens IM windoz and sez -- Job 6 2 "Hai guys, chek mai statz I can hazd mad pts -- Job 6 3 n cookies n cheezbrgr n can huver n stuffz. -- Job 6 4 Ceiling Cat had cookies and ten I eated it, so ten he waz all WTF!? -- Job 6 5 If an oxxen has grass, is he can bray? Lyke OMG WTF is braying? I wud ttly sm0ke teh grass! Ya rly. Neway if oxxen has teh fodderz, wud he sez 'OMG WTF???' or jst sez 'O Hai dad, I can has cheezburger?' ROFL oxxen is dummer tan lolrus. Srsly. -- Job 6 6 If I likks teh tofuz and it doeznt has a flavor -- Job 6 7 I wud be lyke STFU! Do not want! Want reel cheezburger! Neway, ten Ceiling Cat tuks mah bucket and I iz:'(. Fair enuff. Iz hiz bucket neway. -- Job 6 8 Now I aks teh Ceiling Cat fur teh cheezburger. Is metaforik cheezburger LMCO. -- Job 6 9 I aks teh Ceiling Cat get all emo n ttly pwn I. Srsly. Ten their is know I on urthz. -- Job 6 10 I still has consulayshun of metaforik cheezburger tis wai. Rlly. -- Job 6 11 Buff rite nowz, I iz liek lolrus doesnt has any bucket. -- Job 6 12 Iz liek monorail cat haz stalled enginez lolz. -- Job 6 13 Im liek WTF where is teh battlz n u guyz iz like IMz me all, "Im in ur base, killin ur d00dz." Srsly. WTF? -- Job 6 14 Iz liek, emo kitteh gotz pwnd. Tru dat. But still can has frendkitteh? Ttly. -- Job 6 15 But u guyz is liek vacuum kleener. -- Job 6 16 U sux. -- Job 6 17 Srsly. -- Job 6 18 Iz liek u iz mah watur dish, -- Job 6 19 And I likks at u and tries drinkz, -- Job 6 20 But smellz and has funneh flavr OMFG WTF? -- Job 6 21 U iz liek cat career cage thingeh. Never takez I nowhere guud or nufin. -- Job 6 22 Has I ever sed u, "Oh hai, I maid u a cookie, -- Job 6 23 but ten I eated it?" KK rofl I ttly pwnd u liek tat timez infinteh LMAO. U r such teh n00bz lolz. -- Job 6 24 Neway, I even givez u chance, I promise, no h4X0Rz. See u canz pwn me. -- Job 6 25 See rofl u is pissed cuz u no I has 1337 pts n ken pwn u even doesnt has cheezburger. -- Job 6 26 Iz u is liek sai 2 meh, "WTF, STFU n00b! OMG sotp winening" -- Job 6 27 LOL u prolly callz ur BFz teh n00b to. -- Job 6 28 ROFL b4 I liez u about eatin teh cookeh. Now I tellz truuf lol. -- Job 6 29 U iz teh sux n teh failz n iz not been helper cat. -- Job 6 30 I are seriouse cat. This are seriouse chapter lolz. -- Job 6 1 And teh Ceiling Cat sez in teh windz: -- Job 38 2 "OMG, WTF iz u sayinz? u iz a noob! -- Job 38 3 "U getz reddy becuz naow I asks u sum kweschuns. -- Job 38 4 "Wehre iz u wen I maded teh earths, ifs u iz so smart? -- Job 38 5 "Who sayed, 'Hay, iz gonna be tihs big.' -- Job 38 6 "Whut iz unner teh earths? Who maded teh grouns? -- Job 38 7 "when teh stars and stuffs were all liek 'Hay'? -- Job 38 8 "Who sayed 'Oh hai waterz, u stay here, k?' -- Job 38 9 "when the clowdz were liek, 'Hai, we iz looks liek teh cloths,' -- Job 38 10 "and I was liek, 'Clowdz, u stay here, k?' -- Job 38 11 "Srsly. -- Job 38 12 "Does u sez, 'Oh hai sun, u comes up now, k?' -- Job 38 13 "and teh sun iz liek, 'k, naow here iz teh earths.' -- Job 38 14 "Iz sum pritty kool stuffs, like sum moar cloths. -- Job 38 15 "Teh badd ppls iz liek, 'OMG, I cant sees, and mah arm broekded.' -- Job 38 16 "Does u walkz in teh seas, liek rly far unner teh waterz? -- Job 38 17 "Does u knoes wut deaths iz liek, and has u been in teh unnerworld? -- Job 38 18 "Does u knoes how big teh earths is, srsly? U tells me, stoopid. -- Job 38 19 "How does u get to teh lites, and wehre is teh darks, -- Job 38 20 "Does u hav sum kind uf maps or sumfing? -- Job 38 21 "Oh yah, u muss be reel old becuz u knoes so much, rite? JK! -- Job 38 22 "Does u knoes wehre teh snoes is, or wehre teh hails is, -- Job 38 23 "wehre I keeps it just in cases? -- Job 38 24 "Wehre iz teh lites comes frum? How bout teh windz? -- Job 38 25 "Does u helps teh rayn and teh thunder, -- Job 38 26 so taht teh rayn iz liek, 'Oh hai, herez sum waterz' -- Job 38 27 "and teh gras iz liek, 'Oh hay lol.' -- Job 38 28 "Teh raynz haz got sum dads, or wehres teh dews frum? -- Job 38 29 "Is teh ice and teh frozts teh baybeez frum hevens? -- Job 38 30 "Teh waterz iz liek ston and teh ocenz iz liek 'Hay ice lol.' -- Job 38 31 "Does u kin be liek 'Hay Pleiades, u stays here, k? Hay Orion, u goes tehre, k?' -- Job 38 32 "Does u kin be liek 'OMG, Mazzaroth. WTF, Bear and sum kidz.' -- Job 38 33 "Does u knoes teh stuffs uf teh hevens? Does u kin maek tehm pwn in teh earths? -- Job 38 34 "Does u sez, 'Hay clowdz, u rayns naow, k?' -- Job 38 35 "Does u maek teh lightnins comes, so taht tehy sez, 'Oh hai'? -- Job 38 36 "Who maeks teh ppl knoe teh stuffs? -- Job 38 37 "Who sez, 'Hay tehres thiz minny clowdz' or maeks teh rayns come sum moar -- Job 38 38 "when teh dusts iz liek 'OMG tehres liek tunz uf us lol'? -- Job 38 39 "Does u sez to teh liunz 'u can haz cheezburgr naow kthxbai' -- Job 38 40 "when tehy iz liek 'we can haz cheezburgr naow plz?' -- Job 38 41 "Who iz liek 'Hay burdies u can haz cheezburgr too' becuz tehy wantz teh cheezburgr?" -- Job 38 1 Does u knoes wehn teh goatz and teh deerz haz teh baybeez? -- Job 39 2 Does u knoes how long teh stuffs iz livving, -- Job 39 3 And wehn tehy haz kidz sum moar? -- Job 39 4 Teh baybeez gets big and pwns; tehy goze and does teh stuffs. -- Job 39 5 Who sez 'Hay u iz an ass' -- Job 39 6 and tellz it to goes to teh places? -- Job 39 7 It sez 'Hay city, do not want! I no kin hears u doodz.' -- Job 39 8 It lieks teh mowntins. -- Job 39 9 Iz teh oxes liek 'Hay u pwn, I sleepz bai u'? -- Job 39 10 Does u kin be liek 'Hay oxes, u stayz here and tehn does teh stuffs, k?' -- Job 39 11 Does it sez 'Hay u and me r teh bests frenz, I does teh stuffs fore u'? -- Job 39 12 Does u beleevs taht it does teh stuffs fore u? -- Job 39 13 Teh ostrichz iz liek 'I iz teh burdies, but I no kin fliez. I iz teh uglies.' -- Job 39 14 It sez 'I haz maed u sum eggz and I no haz eated tehm' -- Job 39 15 but sumtiems teh otehr animulz does eated tehm or just killz tehm. -- Job 39 16 It sez 'Hay baybeez u r teh noobs, stfu'; -- Job 39 17 becuz teh Ceiling Cat iz liek, 'U dont knoes teh stuffs any moar.' -- Job 39 18 It iz liek, "I haz teh fethers lol.' -- Job 39 19 Does u maeks teh horseys stronge? Does u gives it teh cloths? -- Job 39 20 Does u maek it kin haz teh jumps? Iz liek 'Oh hai, neigh.' -- Job 39 21 It does teh stuffs and goes krazy. -- Job 39 22 It sez, 'I iz not scured. U haz sum sords? lol. watevr.' -- Job 39 23 Teh wepuns iz liek 'Oh hai horseys.' -- Job 39 24 Teh horseys iz liek 'Watevr. I does teh stuffs naow, k?' -- Job 39 25 It heers whut iz happinz and iz liek 'LOL!!!' and it goes to teh battlz. -- Job 39 26 Iz it becuz u knoes taht teh scury burdies iz fliez? -- Job 39 27 Iz it becuz u sez taht it maeks sum nestz? -- Job 39 28 Iz liek, 'I liek teh roks, k?' -- Job 39 29 And it looks at teh stuffs. -- Job 39 30 It haz teh kidz and teh kids sez 'We haz teh bloodz naow, k? We lieks teh ded stuffs.'" -- Job 39 1 And teh Ceiling Cat iz liek "Hay Job. -- Job 40 2 "Iz u talks to me liek u knoes me? u haz to sez teh stuffs naow, k?" -- Job 40 3 And Job sez to teh Ceiling Cat, -- Job 40 4 "Sry, I haz nuffink to sez. I iz teh noob. -- Job 40 5 "I haz sez teh stuffs, but naow I sez nuffink any moar." -- Job 40 6 Tehn teh Ceiling Cat sez gen frum teh windz: -- Job 40 7 "K, u gets reddy gen. I asks kweschuns gen, and u answr me, k? -- Job 40 8 "U sez I iz teh noobs? U sez mah stuffs iz no goode? -- Job 40 9 "U haz teh arms liek teh Ceiling Cat, and u haz teh scarie voyces? -- Job 40 1 Oh hai. Dude called Job replied on chat and sed back to Invisible Man: -- Job 42 2 I know that u r in my base and all my thawtz are belong to u -- Job 42 3 I haz seen sum stuffz n ben liek WTF!!11? -- Job 42 4 U waz liek I PWN U, n00b. I waz liek OMG WTF cuz I iz teh n00bz! -- Job 42 5 I waz all liek I can has cheezburger? Butt nowz I has cheezbrgr, kthxbai -- Job 42 6 N so allz that stuffz iz liek DO NOT WANT!!!1 and I iz like FAIL! -- Job 42 7 Aftr teh Invisible Man pwnd Job, he startz actin all emo n sais "OMG U tree n00bz wif teh funneh naimz, U hax3d 4 shure, unliek tat n00b Job who got pwnd liek teh str8 n00bz." -- Job 42 1 Blessid iz da feline no walk in counsil of wickid, no place paws in path of da sinnerz, no sit and purr with da mockerz. -- Psalm 1 2 But hiz delightz in lawz of Ceiling Cat, ponderz much. -- Psalm 1 3 He lyke treez bai teh waterz, yieldz teh good fr00tz. Leef duzn't wither, prosperz much. -- Psalm 1 4 Not so teh wickid, dey like chaffz pwnt by windz. -- Psalm 1 5 Derefor wickid doezn't standz in teh judgemint, or sinnerz in assembly of teh rhytchus. -- Psalm 1 6 Ceiling cat watches over whey of teh rhytchus, whey of wickid getz pwnt. -- Psalm 1 1 Y does teh heethn getz mad, and teh peeplz dreem ov themselfz? -- Psalm 2 2 Teh bossez ov teh urths akt finicky, an dey talk 2 each uther, aginst Ceiling Cat an his peeps, an sez: -- Psalm 2 3 Do not want flea collarz! An take off da leashez! -- Psalm 2 4 Ceiling Cat wil LOL: he wil eat ther cheezburgr. -- Psalm 2 5 Then he wil hiss loud, and growl too. Ceiling Cat is mad. -- Psalm 2 6 But I haz gived my boss a big scratchpost in Zion. -- Psalm 2 7 I wil tell everybodie: Ceiling Cat saiz, You iz mah kitteh; today I maked u. -- Psalm 2 8 Ask me, and I wil giev u heethn'z cheezburgr, and everywherz in the wurld to has. -- Psalm 2 9 U wil pwn dem wif a big metl stik; u wil pwn dem in peecez laik a watr bowl. -- Psalm 2 10 B smart, bossez: b teached, judgez ov teh wurld. -- Psalm 2 11 Ph33r teh Ceiling Cat, an b happy wif shakin. -- Psalm 2 12 Kiss teh Kitteh, or he getz mad and pwnz u, when he iz just a little mad. Iz gud for everybody 2 trust kitteh. -- Psalm 2 1 o Cieling Cat, how lotz da r mah foez! srlsy! how lotz da rize up against me! I iz scareded! -- Psalm 3 2 lotz da r sayin ov me, "Cieling Cat will not delivr him. U can no haz delivr. Not evn pizzas lol" selah (wtf loklz!) -- Psalm 3 3 but u r shield around me, o Cieling Cat, like a force fields frum star trek; u gives cheezburgrz on me an lift up mah head. Thx. -- Psalm 3 4 2 teh Cieling Cat i cry aloud, an he anzwers me frum his hole in da ceiling. selah (wtf omg srsly lol!) -- Psalm 3 5 i lie down an sleeps in my serta memry foam bed (is comfort); i waek again, cuz teh Cieling Cat sumtime he gets nait crazies an chazes invisible mouse thru da livings room and I are layk omg wtf. -- Psalm 3 6 im gonna not fear teh tens ov thousandz -- Psalm 3 7 arize, o Cieling Cat! delivr me cheezburgers, o mah Cieling Cat! strike all mah enemiez on teh jaw, and pees on their carpets an sleep in theyr laundrie; break teh teeth ov teh wickd and sharpen clawz on couch and then pretend u did not do anything bad k thx. -- Psalm 3 8 frum teh Cieling Cat comez deliverance and many cheezburgers and cookiez. cud ur blesin be on ur peeps. selah (lol lolz!) -- Psalm 3 1 Hai Ceiling Cat! Lissen, K? -- Psalm 4 2 Hay kittehs, why u no liek me? U leiks total junk stuffs! -- Psalm 4 3 Ceiling Cat keeps the gud kittehs safe! -- Psalm 4 4 U haz teh shakez, so be good, K? U should totelly liek shut up n think! -- Psalm 4 5 Ceiling Cat is wachin u too!1!111 oh noes! -- Psalm 4 6 And theyz all liek, "Invisible Ceiling Cat!" -- Psalm 4 7 I iz happi, even more then when they has teh cheezburger. -- Psalm 4 8 I gunna go to bed now, u watch me, K? Kthxbye! -- Psalm 4 1 Lissen, Ceiling Cat, 2 mah meowin. -- Psalm 5 2 Lissen 2 mah meowin, mah boss an mah Ceiling Cat, cuz I iz talkin 2 u. Rly. -- Psalm 5 3 I iz meowin in teh mornin, Ceiling Cat, an I iz watchin 4 u. -- Psalm 5 4 Cuz u do not want bad stuffz, and no bad cheezburgrz too. -- Psalm 5 5 And u do not liek dum peeplz or bad peeplz. -- Psalm 5 6 U wil pwnz trash-talkers an KSers. -- Psalm 5 7 Iz I can be in ur guild plz? I sharez cheezburgr, k thx. -- Psalm 5 8 We can haz raid in ther base, an not aggro teh dog. -- Psalm 5 9 Theyz all trash-talkin, stealin ur burgrz, an tryin to haz props but they sux. -- Psalm 5 10 Pwn dem, O Ceiling Cat; taek burgrz an giev 2 me; throw dem in teh alleyz; dey are bad kittehz. -- Psalm 5 11 And den givez happy face to gud kittehz: let em purr an nap cuz you liek dem: let gud kittehz haz cheezburgr. -- Psalm 5 12 Cuz Ceiling Cat lieks gud kittehz, an u gievz him gud cat bedz. -- Psalm 5 1 O Ceiling Cat, don't hiss at me plz, or growl cuz ur mad. -- Psalm 6 2 Be nice, k? Cuz I iz a n00b. Buffs plz? Cuz I got nerfed. -- Psalm 6 3 Why for u nerfz me, Ceiling Cat? -- Psalm 6 4 Come bak, fix mah cheezburgr. I iz hungry. Plz? -- Psalm 6 5 If I get pwnt, how u can haz cheezburgr? -- Psalm 6 6 Rly. I iz tired. I iz cryin and swimmin in tearz. -- Psalm 6 7 I iz emo-kitteh cuz bad kittehz maek me sad. -- Psalm 6 8 Go wai, bad kittehz. Ceiling Cat iz hearin me b emo. -- Psalm 6 9 Ceiling Cat herd me, and I iz givin him cheezburgr. -- Psalm 6 10 Let bad kittehz b emo, I do not want 2 b emo no more. -- Psalm 6 1 Save me, Teh Ceiling Cat. -- Psalm 7 2 If you don't, I shall get pwn3d. -- Psalm 7 3 If I be guiltyz... -- Psalm 7 4 If I are hurtz sum peepz..... -- Psalm 7 5 Then let me be pwn3d. -- Psalm 7 6 Get up, Teh Ceiling Cat! Mad kitteh iz u! -- Psalm 7 7 Bring you peepz and rule those n00bz! -- Psalm 7 8 Watch us masturbate. -- Psalm 7 9 Teh Ceiling Cat, pwn all evil plz? -- Psalm 7 10 My shield is Teh Ceiling Cat, cuz he bloks dmg n stuff. -- Psalm 7 11 Teh Ceiling Cat is amazin and angry. -- Psalm 7 12 Teh Ceiling Cat has lvl 9000 weaponz and will pwn j00. -- Psalm 7 13 In fact, tey is ready to pwn j00 right now! -- Psalm 7 14 Fact: Bebehs r evil! -- Psalm 7 15 H0le diggrz are st00pid. -- Psalm 7 16 Karma sux, iz hurts lot. -- Psalm 7 17 Teh Ceiling Cat r amazin, srsly. -- Psalm 7 1 O Ceiling Cat, how gr8t iz u! U cool n in teh ceiling. -- Psalm 8 2 Bebehs sayed thye liek u, cuz u pwn teh gankers n nubs n stuff. -- Psalm 8 1 Hay, is we there yet, Ceiling Cat? Why u no thinkz of me? Invisible Ceiling Cat! -- Psalm 13 2 I is totelly jeluz of those other guyz u likes! -- Psalm 13 3 I can has cheezburgr, Ceiling Cat, or i dies? -- Psalm 13 4 And thos jerks u likes better sez "Ha ha! I has cheezburgrs!" -- Psalm 13 5 But i knows you watch me masturbate -- Psalm 13 6 And I'm all like "Ceiling Cat is otay. He givz me cheezburgr!" -- Psalm 13 1 Short bus kittehs sez "No Ceiling Cat!" Theyz bad. -- Psalm 14 2 Ceiling Cat watches you masturbate, and iz like, do u getz it? -- Psalm 14 3 Theyz still bad -- Psalm 14 4 Dont thoze bad guyz who eat teh kittehs like cheezburgers reeulize that Ceiling Cat TOTALY RULEZ?!! -- Psalm 14 5 Ceiling Cat likez us better -- Psalm 14 6 We hidez under Ceiling Cat, cuz hes like, really big. -- Psalm 14 7 When Ceiling Cat bring back teh kittehs, that Jacob dood will be preety happi, and Izrael is all liek, "Way cool!" -- Psalm 14 1 ok guyz so liek dat hole in ceiling makez me worship Ceiling Cat. -- Psalm 19 2 evry nite he iz liek come into hoal n watch me masturbate n stuffz. -- Psalm 19 3 He nevar talkz or makez noize -- Psalm 19 4 but I no he watchez n mebbe vidyo tapez. Hole in ceiling == Ceiling Cat'z home. -- Psalm 19 5 In moarning he iz liek "4 shayme" but lukz happy n e wai. -- Psalm 19 6 No lolcatz hied from hiz watchingz. -- Psalm 19 7 OK so wat Ceiling Cat sez goez. He iz alwais rite. -- Psalm 19 8 liek srsly alwaiz. u lissen u be happyz and den it can be hugz time. -- Psalm 19 9 Ceiling Cat alwaiz fair n stuffz. liek alwaiz bow 2 him. -- Psalm 19 10 Srsly! moar want Ceiling Cat commandzmentz than cookiez or cheezburgerz! -- Psalm 19 11 Dey makez me smartcat n I getz prezentz foar obaying liek at crissmus! -- Psalm 19 12 we all haz invizible errorz but Ceiling Cat fixez dem withowt voiding warranty. plz be mah geeksquad, Ceiling Cat! -- Psalm 19 13 n dun let meh bez evul on porpoise. den I beez purrrfect. -- Psalm 19 14 OK srsly Celing Cat! Plz luv me n givez meh cheezburgerz. kkthxbai -- Psalm 19 1 OK so I hopez Ceiling Cat nevar afk wen u haz qwestionz. he protectz u n stuffz. -- Psalm 20 2 n I hopez he makez u cookiez n cheezburgerz in ceiling n sendz dem from ceiling. -- Psalm 20 3 n I hopez he exceptz ur offrinz uv hugz n invisible ladderz n stuffz. -- Psalm 20 4 n I hopez u can haz cheezburgerz liek u wantz. -- Psalm 20 5 n den we can b liek "OMG we winz!" n hug Ceiling Cat n stuffz. n I hopez he sendz cheezburger wen u liek "i can haz cheezburger" -- Psalm 20 6 Naow i no Ceiling Cat givez cheezburgerz to king he liek n anserz qwestionz n givez grate victreez b/c Ceiling Cat can do dat. -- Psalm 20 7 Sum iz liek "omg invisible bicyclez best" n sum is liek "wtf invisible steamroller nub" but we iz liek "Ceiling Ccat teh best" -- Psalm 20 8 Sum lolcatz fallz in2 bucketz n waterz n stuffz but we sitz on keyboardz n watchez fap. -- Psalm 20 9 Givez victree to king catz Ceiling Cat n give uz cookiez n cheezburgerz n stuff wen we askz. plz. but srsly, dun go afk. -- Psalm 20 1 OK so liek king haz happy b/c Ceiling Cat giv strngth n he haz happy b/c u makez king winz n stuffz. -- Psalm 21 2 U haz givn him all he askz 4. -- Psalm 21 3 u come w/ cheezburgerz n makez him cookiez n givez pancake crown 4 head. -- Psalm 21 4 he waz liek "I can haz lief?" n u givez lief. -- Psalm 21 5 we lieks him b/c u liek him, u makez him moar famiss den teh pikshure uv teh suprize buttsecks lolcatz. -- Psalm 21 6 wenever we iz liek "it can haz be hugz tiem?" u is alwayz givez us hugz. maekz us happycatz. -- Psalm 21 7 teh king trusts j00 Ceiling Cat n b/c u luv he alwayz iz saif frum buckets n bathz n stuff. -- Psalm 21 8 Teh king getza put enemeez n bad catz in bucktz. -- Psalm 21 9 He will burnzez dem warevr he iz. Ceiling Cat will eatz dem b/c Ceiling Cat angry n he burnzez dem too b/c he can. -- Psalm 21 10 Nun uv deir kittehz will survivez. Da king killz dem all. -- Psalm 21 11 Dey iz liek "d00d we haz plan 2 takez him out" but dey no takez him out. -- Psalm 21 12 He shootzez arrowz at dem so dey ridez away on invisible bicyclez. -- Psalm 21 13 We luv Ceiling Cat b/c he strong n stuffz. Srsly, we singz 4 u. -- Psalm 21 1 omg y u haz left me? I iz cryin it is no can haz be hugs time now? -- Psalm 22 2 I callz u all dai, u no talk. I callz all nite, I no can haz sleepz. -- Psalm 22 3 u is on teh thrones, gettin praised by teh Israel. -- Psalm 22 4 u is be gettin trusted by teh ancesters. u is savin themz. -- Psalm 22 5 they was be callin u and ezcapin from dangerz. dey was be trustin u. -- Psalm 22 6 I is no longer bein cat. now iz just worms. nobody wants it to haz be hugs time now. -- Psalm 22 7 everyone seez me iz liek "lolcat" and shakez headz. -- Psalm 22 8 dey iz liek "u luv teh cieling cat, he no saves u. lolcat, he no liek u." -- Psalm 22 9 u made me born safe. u luv me when I haz waz bein cute kitten in bowl. -- Psalm 22 10 I luvz u alwayz, u alwayz iz watchin me masturbate. -- Psalm 22 11 Dun go! No one else will halp. srsly. -- Psalm 22 12 OK so there iz buckits all around. -- Psalm 22 13 dey is haz me! oh no! -- Psalm 22 14 me is wax cat. wax cat is wax and haz no strengths. -- Psalm 22 15 throat iz liek dry. my tongue is in my mouth, stickin. -- Psalm 22 16 dere is invisible bikes round meh. dey runs over meh. -- Psalm 22 17 mah enemeez iz liek "we can see ur bonez" -- Psalm 22 18 dey iz liek "I get hiz clothez!" -- Psalm 22 19 Ceiling Cat! keep wachings! -- Psalm 22 20 dun let invisible bike hit me! -- Psalm 22 21 HLEP LOL! -- Psalm 22 22 I tells othur cats bout yoo Ceiling Cat. I masturbates fur u. -- Psalm 22 23 Everyone masturbates fer Ceiling Cat! -- Psalm 22 24 He watch alls masturbates! -- Psalm 22 25 I masturbates in front of everyones fer u Ceiling Cat! U watch! I gives you cheezburgers! -- Psalm 22 26 Teh poor can haz cheezburgers too! All dey is wantings! -- Psalm 22 27 Ceiling Cat pickshur never get deleted! He watch everyone fur evar! -- Psalm 22 28 Ceiling Cat rules teh ceilings. -- Psalm 22 29 All proud cats masturbates fer him. All mortuhls masturbates fer him. -- Psalm 22 30 He watches all cats in futoor masturbates. -- Psalm 22 31 Even cats not born be told "Ceiling Cat is watching you masturbate." -- Psalm 22 1 Ceiling Cat iz mai sheprd (which is funni if u knowz teh joek about herdin catz LOL.)He givz me evrithin I need. -- Psalm 23 2 He letz me sleeps in teh sunni spot an haz liek nice waterz r ovar thar. -- Psalm 23 3 He makez mai soul happian maeks sure I go teh riet wai for him. Liek thru teh cat flap insted of out teh opin windo LOL. -- Psalm 23 4 I iz in teh valli of dogz, fearin no pooch,bcz Ceiling Cat iz besied me rubbin' mah ears, an it maek me so kumfy. -- Psalm 23 5 He letz me sit at teh taebl evn when peepl who duzint liek me iz watchn. He givz me a flea baff an so much gooshy fud it runz out of mai bowl LOL. -- Psalm 23 6 Niec things an luck wil chase me evrydaian I wil liv in teh Ceiling Cats houz forevr. -- Psalm 23 1 Teh worldz belong 2 Ceiling Cat, N all teh cheezburgerz N all teh kittehs. -- Psalm 24 2 Ceiling Cat made ur worldz like big water bowl, N no backwash! -- Psalm 24 3 Which lolcat brave enuf 2 climb Ceiling Cat'z scratching post? Which lolcat brave enuf to piss in Ceiling Cat'z territoreh? Which lolcat cn let Ceiling Cat in teh pet-door? -- Psalm 24 4 only teh lolcat wif bestestest tongue 4 givin bathz. N no fleaz. -- Psalm 24 5 Ceiling Cat give that lolcat cheezburgerz N cookies. -- Psalm 24 6 Srsly. kthxbye. -- Psalm 24 7 Lift teh cat flap N let Ceiling Cat in. -- Psalm 24 8 Ceiling cat are serious cat. This are serious psalm. -- Psalm 24 9 Let him in ur cat flap, srsly. -- Psalm 24 10 Ceiling Cat are serious. Let him in ur cat flap. -- Psalm 24 1::hands ceiling cat a cookie:: -- Psalm 25 2 in you I trust, O my ceiling cat do not let me be pwned, nor let my enemies pwn me. -- Psalm 25 3 No one whose hope is in you will ever be pwned, but they will be put to shame who are haterz without excuse. -- Psalm 25 14 CEILING CAT confidez in those who phe4r him; he shows them his harbls -- Psalm 25 15 My eyez are ever on the CEILING CAT, for only he knows when I masturbate. -- Psalm 25 1 HAI ceiling cat. listens to mah meowz. if u STFU, -- Psalm 28 2 how will u heer me crie "I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER NOW?" -- Psalm 28 3 i don wanna getz thrown in da hole to basement cat like teh bad kittiez. -- Psalm 28 4 take away dey pr0nz and emo music (zomgccwtf) -- Psalm 28 5 srsly, i iz not emo. -- Psalm 28 6 ph33r ceiling cat plz! it can be hugz time now? -- Psalm 28 7 ceeling cat givz the good kittenz cat bedz, -- Psalm 28 8 and scratchen postz. and nipz. srsly. -- Psalm 28 9 okayz celing cat i sleepz now; kthxbye. -- Psalm 28 1 iz waiting fur teh ceiling cat; tearz is on mai cheekz an he sez "oh, hai!" -- Psalm 40 2 he lifts mi out of durty litturs box an putz me on teh kichun florr -- Psalm 40 1 Don't taz me, Ceiling Cat! and tellz them bad peeps I didunt do it, saves me from teh bad man! -- Psalm 43 2 Youz all powerful and stuff. Why u no liek me? Why I gotta be all sad, and let teh man keep me down? -- Psalm 43 3 Do that "Lets therr be lites" thing again. So I can see, dood So I can get to teh Ceiling Where da party at. -- Psalm 43 4 Then I goes to hole in ceiling and gives you cheezburger. I say how cul u is, I plays a little guitar O Ceiling Cat, my Ceiling Cat. -- Psalm 43 5 Why I so mad? Why I all actin' a foo an stuff? Srsly, just worship teh Ceiling Cat, and preys him, and he saves u, dude. -- Psalm 43 1 Ceiling Cat iz our hidey place and our strenf, he iz dere for all timez we sez, "hlep!" -- Psalm 46 2 We iz not teh skered, even if the Urf eated itself and mountinz fallz down into sea -- Psalm 46 3 Even if waterz go RAWR and mountains go RAWR -- Psalm 46 4 Dere is river wif streamz that make Ceiling Cat's citee pleased, is holy place where only holyist can sit and lick harblz. -- Psalm 46 5 Ceiling Cat iz inside her, she is not fall down. Ceiling Cat wakez her up with gentul pawslap to faec. -- Psalm 46 6 Nationz iz angry, kingdoms fallz, Ceiling Cat meowz loud and Urf turnz to smoosh liek wet fud. -- Psalm 46 7 CEILING CAT IS WIF US, the Cat of Jakob is our hidey place. -- Psalm 46 8 Come and seez the wurks of the CEILING CAT, the mightee scratchez he haz maded on the Urf. -- Psalm 46 9 He makez warz stop to the endz of da Urf; he breakz the claws and shatterz the teef, he burninates the kitty carriers wif fire. -- Psalm 46 10 "Make quietz, and seez I am Ceiling Cat; I am bestest in ur cuntrees, everyone is want wurship me on Urf." -- Psalm 46 11 Celing Cat Almightee is wif us; the Cat of Jakob is our hidey place. -- Psalm 46 1 maiow, pat ur pawses all u neshuns. purr to ceiling cat wif teh voisses of trumf! -- Psalm 47 2 for Yahweh most high is oarsum. He r a graet king ovr teh erth. -- Psalm 47 3 he squisheses neshuns under us liek a monorail cat. -- Psalm 47 4 he chooseses r cookies for us teh gloreh of Jacob who he loveded. Bukkit! -- Psalm 47 5 cieling cat has gone up wif a roarr. Yahweh wif the noises of teh trumpet. -- Psalm 47 6 purr prayses to ceiling cat, purr prayses. Purr prayses to our king, purr prayses. -- Psalm 47 7 for ceiling cat is teh king of awl teh erth. Purr prayses cos u noes. -- Psalm 47 8 ceiling cat rules teh neshuns ceiling cat r on teh sofa! -- Psalm 47 9 teh prinsses of teh mans r togevvr teh manses of teh ceiling cat of Abraham for teh erth r ceiling cat's he is teh biggeh -- Psalm 47 1 HALP, CEILING CAT; u said u wood luv me 4evar, and ur nice n stuff so plz make my invisible errors moar invisible -- Psalm 51 2 OH NOES TEH BATH but its ok coz mah invisible erorrs be washin' away -- Psalm 51 3 I knows what i done, mah invisible errors r like mirorrcat. Y U FOLLOWIN ME. -- Psalm 51 4 I dun u bad... u seen me doin it and sos u kan hit me with teh noosepapar and tell me to stfu. -- Psalm 51 5 I was bad even when i was a kittan. -- Psalm 51 6 U been lookin at me sinse i was all rollin around wit my bruders and sistars, wtf? How u been teechin me der? -- Psalm 51 7 I can has harbl? Den i will be kleen. Oh noes bath -- Psalm 51 8 I can has cheezburger? Mah broked legs will be dancin' -- Psalm 51 9 Plz dont be watchin' me masturbate, ceiling cat; if u watch plz foget. -- Psalm 51 10 Plz bake me a cookie, Ceiling Cat, but do not eated it:-( I can have ninja skills plz? -- Psalm 51 11 Noes pleez dont throw me into teh cold! Outside is bad 4 kittehs. -- Psalm 51 1 OMG saev me Ceiling Cat. -- Psalm 59 7 Dey iz all liek "BUUUUUUUUURP! hehehehe nobody heerz us burpin'!" -- Psalm 59 8 But Ceiling Cat iz all liek "LOL STFU NOOBZ!" -- Psalm 59 9 Ceiling Cat is teh strongerest. -- Psalm 59 1 Ceiling cat, do want! I can has thirsty. -- Psalm 63 2 Ceiling Cat is grate. -- Psalm 63 3 Ceiling Cat is my BFF -- Psalm 63 4 thx! -- Psalm 63 5 I eated cookie -- Psalm 63 1 Nao u listens to meh! I gots a problem, k. Takes care of meh so I don't gets ded. -- Psalm 64 2 Let meh hides under teh bed cuz dem guys turns on teh vacuum and tries to get meh! -- Psalm 64 3 Theyz sharpens theys claws on teh sofa and pounce on ppls. -- Psalm 64 4 Theyz jump out from behind teh trash can and scare teh ppls, theys not afrayed. -- Psalm 64 5 Theyz plannin' an schemin' and settin' up teh traps they sayz "They suspects nothing!" -- Psalm 64 6 They plots theys traps an say "We pwns u!" Theys leetle kitteh brains thinks they is smrt. -- Psalm 64 7 But teh Ceiling Cat surprises thems from above and they be pwned. -- Psalm 64 8 They claws each ofther as they tries to excape,' an teh ppls LOL. -- Psalm 64 9 All kittehs be afrayed they laffs at teh jokes of teh Ceiling Cat and thinks hard on wat he had did. -- Psalm 64 10 Let teh good kittehs has cheezburgers and take refuge in teh ceiling let thems all has bukkits! -- Psalm 64 1 Halp! Ceiling cat! I iz in baff - do not want! -- Psalm 69 2 Muddy baff = muddy paws. I am sink. Baff deep! -- Psalm 69 3 I has tired now, mioaw lots. Want milk, want looksee - ceiling cat am late. -- Psalm 69 4 Peepz say "Bad kitteh!" I no bad kitteh, I gud kitteh! Rly! I can has buckitt bak? -- Psalm 69 5 Ceiling cat noez dat I iz not perfick kitteh. -- Psalm 69 6 I try to be gud kitteh, iz not mah fawlt u bad, I rly am gud kitteh, I doan wan u be sad. -- Psalm 69 7 I iz calld "Bad Kitteh", ceiling cat sey "must be". -- Psalm 69 8 I see mah bruvvas and dey say "Who u? We nevah metchu b4 n00b!" -- Psalm 69 9 I werk 4 ceiling cat now. U dis Him - u dis me. -- Psalm 69 10 I iz 1 sad kitteh! Hungry 2. -- Psalm 69 11 I dress liek bum. -- Psalm 69 12 Peepz at gate talk bout me an drunx dey sing "See da ickle kitteh, he work for teh ceiling cat, he a dirty kitteh, an a most unfeelin cat!" -- Psalm 69 13 But I pray 2 ceiling cat. Mah call haz importance, I iz in a Q, pls holds. -- Psalm 69 14 BTW I still be sink in da muddy baff. And peepz say "Bad kitteh!" 2. -- Psalm 69 15 HALP! -- Psalm 69 16 Kitteh still on holds. Nise muzik on holds. -- Psalm 69 17 Iz wait liek a gud kitteh, can has smile? Can has ansa? -- Psalm 69 18 Cum ceiling cat, buy me sole soez teh bad kittehs can no have. -- Psalm 69 19 Ceiling cat noez I dat iz not perfick kitteh. I sed dat b4 k? -- Psalm 69 20 Peepz say "Bad kitteh!" I sad, need hugz. No can has hugz. -- Psalm 69 21 Peepz give kitteh dog food 2 eet and vinniga 2 drinks. -- Psalm 69 22 Kitteh wants maek toylet in peepz food. LOL. -- Psalm 69 23 Kitteh wants peepz to haff no see and dere nawty bitz go wobbli. -- Psalm 69 24 Ceiling cat mad a peepz, lay smack on peepz. -- Psalm 69 25 Kitteh wants peepz go now, not cum bak, evah. -- Psalm 69 26 Peepz am nasty to teh whupped of teh ceiling cat and scolded dose who ceiling cat said "Bad kitteh!" 2. Copicatz! -- Psalm 69 27 Ceiling cat maek list, chickin it twice. List of dose can has NOT cheezburgr. -- Psalm 69 28 Ceiling cat has list an can take namez way from teh bigg buk of good kittehs. No cheezburgrz 4 bad kitteh! -- Psalm 69 29 I haff teh limp an teh scrachd noze an I iz worry lots but teh ceiling cat am my bodigard. Has magnetik catflap. -- Psalm 69 30 I sing abowt teh ceiling cat. He iz good kitteh, thx. -- Psalm 69 31 Am make ceiling cat juss liek happycat. Him moar happy dan haffink funny mooes. -- Psalm 69 32 Peepz wiv no cash see dis an be liek happycat. Dose am look fur Ceiling Cat am be brave kitteh. -- Psalm 69 33 Ceiling cat here wot peepz am need. No fink bad fings bowt kitteh's in teh kittypound. -- Psalm 69 34 Evrybody luvs teh ceiling cat! Even teh fishies. -- Psalm 69 35 Ceiling cat has naybahood wach. Build speshul place fur hiz kittehs. -- Psalm 69 36 Hiz kittehs kittehs can has live dere 2. An dere kittehs 2. An doze kittehs kittehs az well. U gets da pikchur. Teh ceiling cat's kittehs dere 4 evah n evah... kthxbai -- Psalm 69 1 Hey Ceiling Cat! I herd u is good. -- Psalm 75 2 U sez. "i decides teh time -- Psalm 75 3 all thingz shakes? no worry, is all good! i hold it up -- Psalm 75 4 i sez to big hedz 'stop'. i sez to bad 'stop'. -- Psalm 75 5 if u bad, keep head down" -- Psalm 75 6 If u from left or right or sand no say good stuff on mans. -- Psalm 75 7 Ceiling Cat is da big man. He makes da rools. -- Psalm 75 8 Ceiling Cat has teh booze! Pours it on teh bad. -- Psalm 75 9 Wot me? i sez Ceiling Cat ftw! -- Psalm 75 10 Chop teh bad up. Lift teh good up. -- Psalm 75 1 Ceiling Cat haz teh bestestest ov houzez, O yeah. -- Psalm 84 2 I wantz 2 curl up in teh houz of teh Ceiling Cat and can haz cheezburgr. -- Psalm 84 3 Teh birdiez, teh swallowz An teh sparrowz who makez teh baybee chickeez I laiks 2 chase An eat, we haz all napped in teh houz of teh Ceiling Cat. -- Psalm 84 4 Hai Ceiling Cat, the kittehs in ur houz say kthx for making teh cheezburgrz alwaiz. -- Psalm 84 5 Hai Ceiling Cat, teh kittehs cldn’t chazez teh birdiez widdout u. -- Psalm 84 6 Teh Ceiling Cat alwaiz makz teh litter box cleen 4 teh kittehs. -- Psalm 84 7 An we climbz treez hai 2 see teh Ceiling Cat. -- Psalm 84 8 O yeah Ceiling Cat, we luv u. An dat Jacob dood laiks u 2, so lissen, eh? -- Psalm 84 9 Lookit Ceiling Cat, lookit ma tail. -- Psalm 84 10 I can haz ly in ur houz onlee 4 1day, itz bettr’n mastubatin out in teh tentz all teh time. -- Psalm 84 11 Cuz u givez cookiez An cheezburgrz An keepz teh dogz away from teh kittehs dat laiks u An walkz on 4 pawz bhind u. -- Psalm 84 12 Dey dat laiks teh Ceiling Cat will alwaiz have cheezburgrz An nap in ur houz. kthx bai. -- Psalm 84 1 Oh, hai, Ceiling Cat. U heer me yowlin'? -- Psalm 88 2 Come heere, I telz U secretz: -- Psalm 88 3 Unhappy cat is unhappy. -- Psalm 88 4 I is in yr pit, bein' pitiful. -- Psalm 88 5 Y is pit filled with zombeez? -- Psalm 88 6 Y U put me in pit?!? -- Psalm 88 7 DO NOT WANT!! -- Psalm 88 8 Where U take my friends, y they not listen 2 me? I stink? -- Psalm 88 9 K, U not listenin' too. I shutz up nao. -- Psalm 88 10 Zombeez like Ceiling Cat. -- Psalm 88 11 Ceiling Cat do magic tricks for zombeez. Him like dead stuff. -- Psalm 88 12 Ceiling Cat so misunderstood. -- Psalm 88 13 Y we not talk together like we used to? -- Psalm 88 14 Ceiling Cat? U still there? -- Psalm 88 15 U scarin' me. -- Psalm 88 16 U scarin' me LOTZ. -- Psalm 88 17 O noes! I drownin' in teh fear! -- Psalm 88 18 U bring back my peeps now, k? Srsly. -- Psalm 88 1 Iz goodz, thx 4 teh Ceiling Cat, n singz teh praizez 2 ur nam, Cat in ur Ceiling! -- Psalm 92 2 Iz goodz, talkz abour ur loves in teh morning, n ur faythfulnez in teh nite, -- Psalm 92 3 accompanid bai teh gitar, and teh harp. -- Psalm 92 4 Ceiling Cat has made mi happi. I singz coz of what he dun. -- Psalm 92 5 Ceiling Catz doinz iz teh b0mb! He thinkz deepz! -- Psalm 92 6 Blind cat no seez dis, st00pid cat no noes dis. -- Psalm 92 7 When bad kittehs growz up, evil cats everiwher, iz so dey getz destroid, k? -- Psalm 92 8 Ceiling Cat iz in Ceiling 4 eva! -- Psalm 92 9 Look at enemi cats, k? Dey diez! Dey runz awai! -- Psalm 92 10 U lift mai horn, lik ockz horn. I gotz oilz all ovah meh. -- Psalm 92 11 I gloatz ovah teh stalker cats; Evil attaker cat sez: "o noes! iz pwned!" -- Psalm 92 12 Teh good kittehs growz, like teh palm treez; dey growz tall, like teh ceeder treez. -- Psalm 92 13 U plantz dem in teh Ceiling Cat's haus, dey growz in teh Ceiling Cat's yard. -- Psalm 92 14 Teh old cats can has kittehs; dey iz joocy fresh. -- Psalm 92 15 So dey sez: Protektiv Ceiling Cat iz alwaiz fair. -- Psalm 92 1 I does kareoke bout ur luvs an justiss to u O Ceiling Cat, i singz prayze, u listenz. -- Psalm 101 2 I do mah bestest to not b blamed n stufs, will u no blamez me? You cant blamez me in mah owne howse. It hurtz mah kitteh harte. -- Psalm 101 3 I promiz not to lewk at pr0n. An wen I iz wonged, I no revenge. -- Psalm 101 4 I wunt hangz wit da pedos and da killahs. DO NOT WANT teh evilz. -- Psalm 101 5 But ifs mah naybor talkz da shit, I be silensing him. Cuz teh ego is bad, an i not want frenz wif egos. -- Psalm 101 6 I will lewks for da faiful peeps, they be mah frenz. An teh guy hoo not blamed, be lik a father too meh. -- Psalm 101 7 I wills not let sneekie peeps live wit meh, an i wills not stan besyde da lyrs. -- Psalm 101 8 Evwy morn I will tell da wikked two stfu, an I will not let da evildooers in da land of Ceiling Cat. -- Psalm 101 1 Prayze Ceiling Cat, o mah soule, o Ceiling Cat, mah grate leeder, u is da shit. U gots nice fur too. -- Psalm 103 2 Teh lights be pokin him all ova, an he stretchez out an purrs along the ceiling. -- Psalm 103 3 an den, he takez da acid and evwyting gets all crazee, he thinks he can dew so much kewl stufs. Like turnz wind to guys, and flaymez to slaves n stufs. He ridez da wind and kreates waterz n stufs. He skarez away da sinerz. -- Psalm 103 1 Hai Ceiling Cat, I praizes u! U iz so kool, u wearz koolnez! -- Psalm 104 2 He is all wrapppd up in prety lites, and rollz out teh Ceiling liek tentses -- Psalm 104 3 and he gots a penthouse up there. Ooo! He ridez in ur clowds, and surfz in ur windz. -- Psalm 104 4 Teh windz even talkz 4 him, n teh firez doez what he sez, srsly! -- Psalm 104 5 Ceiling Cat made teh Urth on teh fl0r, and u karnt mez it up. -- Psalm 104 6 Teh watr wuz all ova it, rite up 2 teh mntns. -- Psalm 104 7 U screemd and teh watr wuz gon; u just yelld n ther it went - -- Psalm 104 8 the mnts went up, n teh vallys went dwn - in teh plais u wantd. -- Psalm 104 9 They don't fuck with him. -- Psalm 104 10 He makes slinkies go up hills. -- Psalm 104 11 They give food to even the assholes -- Psalm 104 12 They keep roosters and shit. -- Psalm 104 13 He taps mad bitches while he chills in the sky. -- Psalm 104 14 He made grass for cows, and herb for man so that he may get the munchies. -- Psalm 104 15 He made liquor to get people fucked up, oil to make greasy food for hang-overs, and bread. -- Psalm 104 16 He made some trees grow in some shit hole in the Middle East -- Psalm 104 17 Birds make nests, storks live in fur trees. -- Psalm 104 18 Goats chill on hills and the cone heads chill on rocks. -- Psalm 104 19 The moon tracks seasons, and the sun knows when he's going down. -- Psalm 104 20 He makes it night, and the beast comes out of the forest. -- Psalm 104 21 Young lions come out and seek god's meat. -- Psalm 104 22 When the sun comes up, they sleep in their cribs -- Psalm 104 23 Men work all day and sleep all night. -- Psalm 104 24 God has shit loads of bling that be chillin everywhere -- Psalm 104 25 In the ocean, there be crazy shit like you never seen before. -- Psalm 104 26 Leviathans eat ships and shit, but not god's yacht where he be chillin with the lions at night. -- Psalm 104 27 They chill waiting for him to feed them like pets -- Psalm 104 28 He feeds them by hand -- Psalm 104 29 He looks away then pops a cap in their asses. -- Psalm 104 30 He comes to earth, makes shit, and it lives -- Psalm 104 31 God lives forever, so don't think you can dis him and get off -- Psalm 104 32 He looks at the 'earth' and she trembles, he touches the 'hills' and they smoke. -- Psalm 104 33 You gotta rap the good rap about god, or else he's gonna be salty. -- Psalm 104 34 "My meditation of him shall be sweet: I will be glad in the LORD." I don't even want to know. -- Psalm 104 35 God's gonna come down and bitch-slap the punk ass bitches, so you'd better get your act straight, boy. -- Psalm 104 1 I luvs CEILING CAT, cuz he has hearded my mews and my meows. -- Psalm 116 2 Cuz he tiltz his ear to mee, therefor I will mew to him until I diez. -- Psalm 116 3 Sadz bout death rap round mee liek blankie, oucheez of hell gets hold of my scruff: I findz trublz and sadz evrywherz. -- Psalm 116 4 Den I mews in name of CEILING CAT; O, CEILING CAT, pleez, I can has delivered soul? -- Psalm 116 5 Gracious iz CEILING CAT, and osum; yea, our Cat has mercee. -- Psalm 116 6 The CAT savez da simpul: I wuz made low-liek, and he helpded mee. -- Psalm 116 7 Keep napping, O mai soul; for CEILING CAT has givn you comfy place and full belly for good sleepin. -- Psalm 116 8 For yoo savez mai soul from deff, mai eyez from cri, mai pawz from falling. -- Psalm 116 9 I will walk before the CEILING CAT in the land of the living. -- Psalm 116 10 I think troo, so I speeks: I waz hurt much: -- Psalm 116 11 I sez in mah hurt, all peeps are liars. -- Psalm 116 12 CEILING CAT givez me cheezburger, wut I give him? -- Psalm 116 13 I takez water bol of salvationz and call on CEILING CAT. -- Psalm 116 14 In frunt ov evrybodee I say I wurship CEILING CAT. -- Psalm 116 15 Wen CEILING CAT seez gud peeps die, he callz dem "Mah Preshous." -- Psalm 116 16 O CEILING CAT, truly I am only gud to lick your ears, I am only gud to lick your ears. -- Psalm 116 17 I will give awai mah cheezburger and mah bukkit and call on yoo. -- Psalm 116 18 I will give awai mah cheezburger and mah bukkit so all peeps can see it. -- Psalm 116 19 In the courts of the CAT's hous, in the middul of thee, O Jerusalem. Praise ye the CAT. -- Psalm 116 1 O praiz da Ceiling Cat, all cuntrees: praiz him, all kittehs. -- Psalm 117 2 For his mercee an niceness iz grate for us: and the troof of Ceiling Cat livz 4eva. Praiz ye Ceiling Cat. -- Psalm 117 1 Givz all sortz of madz propz to lieks teh ceiling cat cause he's liek good and such; hiz awesomeness goes on for liek everz. -- Psalm 118 2 Letz izarail saz "Hiz awesomeness goes on for liek everz." -- Psalm 118 4 Letz those dat fearz teh Ceiling Cat sez "His niceness goez on 4 like everz" -- Psalm 118 8 It iz liek better to liek putz ur selfs faithz in liek ceiling cat tehn to putz ur trustz en likes non ceiling catz ppl. -- Psalm 118 11 Ur word is in my hart, stoppin my sins -- Psalm 119 1 A song to goez big up. I lookz upz at da big hillsez, I can has halps? -- Psalm 121 2 Yes I can haz halps, from Ceiling Cat, doer of Ceiling and Urf -- Psalm 121 3 He not let ur paw slipz, he not sleepz -- Psalm 121 4 Protektor of All Kittehs no sleepies no dreamies -- Psalm 121 5 Ceiling Cat ur protektor, He is ur shadows from da windowsill, He is ur right paw -- Psalm 121 6 In day, sun no make u go bai, moon not make u go bai either -- Psalm 121 7 Ceiling Cat make u safez from badness, He protektz ur invisible self -- Psalm 121 8 Celing Cat protektz ur in and ur out, forevaz! -- Psalm 121 1 I look at hole in ceiling. -- Psalm 123 2 Peoples need peoples and stuff so look at Ceiling Cat til is good 2 us. -- Psalm 123 3 Be excelnt 2 us cos teh others are not. -- Psalm 123 4 Bad people make fun of us. -- Psalm 123 1 Ceiling Cat beez on our side -- Psalm 124 2 Cuz if he nots and badcats attak us. -- Psalm 124 3 Dey wuld haf angr and dey wuld eated all our cookiez. Srsy. -- Psalm 124 4 Teh flood wuld haf eated us! -- Psalm 124 5 Teh waturz wuld haf takeded us awayz. Oh noes! -- Psalm 124 6 Yay Ceiling Cat! j00 dun let us get eateded by deh teef! -- Psalm 124 7 We escapded lik a littl burd and gotten away wit deh cheezburgers! -- Psalm 124 8 Tank j00 Ceiling Cat. j00 roxorz! -- Psalm 124 1 Doz who lik Ceiling Cat be unnmooved and last forevur, lik plasticz. -- Psalm 125 2 Teh Ceiling Cat beez all warm and comfy and stuffz arund us. -- Psalm 125 3 Teh pointy stickz of teh wickid wil not stay ovr our cheezburgerz. An dey wont use teh cheezburgers for scary stuffs. -- Psalm 125 4 Ceiling Cat, roxorz dey dat roxorz oders that roxorz! -- Psalm 125 5 And doez dat try an eet all deh cheezbugerz, make dem go away! Do not want! -- Psalm 125 1 When teh Ceiling Cat bringz us bak to teh Lolmountain, we were lik kittehs who dreem. -- Psalm 126 2 Our moufs were lik filld wit cheezbugerz an stuffz. Srsy! We wuz happeh! -- Psalm 126 3 Teh Ceiling Cat roxorz us and we beez happeh! -- Psalm 126 4 Give us many cheezburgerz dat are ours! -- Psalm 126 5 Doz who give veggiez can reep cheezburgers. -- Psalm 126 6 Wen we go out cryen and stuffz wit cheezburger seeds, we comez bak wit lotz of happeh cheezburgers! Awsome!! -- Psalm 126 1 Ohbay Ceiling Cats and u can be happycat. -- Psalm 128 2 U will nevar run out of happy and have cheezeburger and cookiez and stuff, leik frevr. Srs. -- Psalm 128 3 ur wyfe and suns be leik plants and stuff in ur homez -- Psalm 128 4 If ur kewl wit Ceiling Cat you can has all dis stuff. Win! -- Psalm 128 5 Ceiling Cat gives cheezeburgers to ur d00dz and ur base can has win frevr! -- Psalm 128 6 U can seez ur baibiez baibiez! Peice be wit Israel-town! -- Psalm 128 1 Dis place wuz teh suck so i wuz like "o hai Ceiling Cat" -- Psalm 130 2 Den i wuz all like "oi Ceiling Cat dun be afk coz i is lyk askin stufz" -- Psalm 130 3 Ceiling Cat if u iz all lyk postal cos of invisible error, iz we all fuxored? -- Psalm 130 4 But Ceiling Cat stil can giv cheezburgr if we sayz u pwn -- Psalm 130 5 I brb til Ceiling Cat sez i can has cheezburgr -- Psalm 130 6 Nvm i afk now, lyk idler in helpz room, til Ceiling Cat msg me -- Psalm 130 7 All kittehs afk waitn 4 cheezburgz cos Ceiling Cat can giv cheezburgr n Ceiling Cat giv cheezburgr to kittehs wiv invisble error -- Psalm 130 8 Wen Ceiling Cat bak from afk Ceiling Cat wil be all lyk "o hai kittehs, bout dat invisible error, lyk nvm, watevah" -- Psalm 130 1 Say da good tings about da Ceiling Cat and people and stuff -- Psalm 134 2 Send da emails with hands to sky. Say more good about Ceiling Cat. -- Psalm 134 3 Ceiling Cat made all stuff - sez: "u r good" -- Psalm 134 9 Happiez for teh babeys r smashd at teh rox. -- Psalm 137 1 O hay, Ceiling Cat, You knows me rly gud right? -- Psalm 139 2 You knows when I sits, and when I is dun sittin'. You is liek a psychic, but not one o teh fake psychics. You dun readed my mind. -- Psalm 139 3 When I goes out mah kitteh door, and when I lays down in mah basket, You knowed it. I looked up 1 tiem and sawed you watchin me do somefin embarsing, but You still likeses me! -- Psalm 139 4 B4 I meows, You dun already knowed what I is gonna meow (but I meow anywai). -- Psalm 139 5 You tucks me into mai basket and gives me pets on mai hed. -- Psalm 139 6 Is 2 wunderful to knows, mai brainz not big nuff. -- Psalm 139 7 Where can I be hided frum U? U is everywhere. -- Psalm 139 8 When I goes in teh ceiling, I see U. I was sleepin in da basement 1 tiem and U dere 2. -- Psalm 139 9 If I had birdie wings and flewed me morningtimes 2 other side of teh neighbrs pool and hided reel gud in teh bushes, -- Psalm 139 10 You'd still finded me and give me hug tiems. -- Psalm 139 11 I dun thinked "I is sooper sneeky, and is invisible ninja kitteh at nite! Plus I knockded over teh tabl lamp 4 moar darks." -- Psalm 139 12 But You's got teh glowy kitteh eyes and can sees me when it's dark! -- Psalm 139 13 You dun made mai kittiness, and putted me in mah momma's tummy. -- Psalm 139 14 You dun a good job, I is teh awesome! Sos other stuffs U maked, I knows. -- Psalm 139 15 Mai bones, You dun seed them bein made. S'posed to be sekrit, but not 2 U. -- Psalm 139 16 Ur glowin kitteh eyes dun sawed me fore I was me. An U have big word book wit all mah pwnages and exploytes and stuffs writ down. Even ones I din't do yets! -- Psalm 139 17 When U thinks things, that thinkin's rly kewl. An You gots moar thotts than other peeples cause yur rly kewl. -- Psalm 139 18 You gots so many thoughtses, moar than anythin. Moar than mai litter box has gots sandses, which is alot. I wakeses up (in mai basket, not in mai littrbox) an U r there. -- Psalm 139 19 O hay Ceiling Cat, y dont U pwn moar bad guise? Teh baddies, dont want! -- Psalm 139 20 Theys all liek "Celling Kat U R noob! All your bases are belong to us!" an they's spelted Ur name wrong an stuff! -- Psalm 139 21 I hates them. -- Psalm 139 22 I rly rly rly hates them. -- Psalm 139 23 I is moar better then them! I thinks... Can U check? -- Psalm 139 24 Sos we'll know 4 sure, U should check, an if Im doin bad, U call "Here teh kitty kitty", k? So's I can come live wit U 4-evah. -- Psalm 139 1 Praise Ceiling Cat -- Psalm 146 2 I iz in mai life praisin Ceiling Cat all teh timez -- Psalm 146 3 Don't be in ur base trustin ur princez -- Psalm 146 4 When their spirits iz in teh sky returning to teh urfs -- Psalm 146 5 If u gets Ceiling Cat to help you can haz cheezburger -- Psalm 146 6 Teh lolcoder of Ceiling and urfs -- Psalm 146 7 He lets hungry kittehs has sammiches -- Psalm 146 8 Ceiling Cat maikz teh blind kittehs can see -- Psalm 146 9 ZOMG Ceiling Cat has seen UFO LOL an DO NOT WANT evil kittehs so he maikz dem DO NOT WANT -- Psalm 146 10 Ceiling Cat is watching you masturbate forever -- Psalm 146 1 Praise teh Celling kitty! praise for Celling kitty is full of win; feelz good, yeah; [and] praise is comely. -- Psalm 147 2 Celling kitty builds big house: wit lotza cheeseburgrs. All teh cheeseburgrs, they belong to me, zanks, not4 evil katz, no, no cheeseburgrs 4 evil katz. -- Psalm 147 3 Dere, dere, not cry, Ceilling kitty cleans you boo-boo. lickedy-lick, nom-nom-nom. sad hooman has flava. -- Psalm 147 4 All the starz, they are mine! They all called what Ceilling kitty calls'em. Ceiling kitty calls'em starz: "mine!" -- Psalm 147 5 Ceilling kitty is allova the ceilling, and seeeeeeeez you dacing. -- Psalm 147 6 CK (das short for Ceiling Kitty, cuz type, type, type fingers hurt. and Ceilling Kitty doz apruve) lifting heavy sad ppls. trows the bad 1s out - Do Not Want! -- Psalm 147 7 Sing for Ceilling Kitty, hooman, give him bellyrubs; sing and dance, and give moar bellyrubs. -- Psalm 147 8 Who'z on thy towels, drying thy slops? Who'z on thy pilla, stealing thy dreamz? Who'z in thy fridge, funnelling thy lagga? -- Psalm 147 9 He giveth to the beast his food, [and] to the young ravens which cry. He no give nothin, bible iz full of fail. -- Psalm 147 10 Nice horsy, carries Ceilling kitty to next sunny spot, plz? Nice hooman, feed CK cheeseburgrs. ktks -- Psalm 147 11 more -- Psalm 147 12 to -- Psalm 147 14 come -- Psalm 147 15 make -- Psalm 147 16 moar -- Psalm 147 17 funs -- Psalm 147 18 bbl -- Psalm 147 19 leiter -- Psalm 147 20 Praise Ceiling Kitty and give gushi foods. -- Psalm 147 1 Praise teh Celling kitty! sings to ceilling kitty new tunes, and haz props in front-a all the kittys. -- Psalm 149 2 let the chilluns getz happy from Celling kitty. -- Psalm 149 3 praise Celling kitty and dance, dance, dance. praise Celling kitty and dance, dance, dance. play teh tunes, yeah, dance, dance, dance. -- Psalm 149 4 Celling kitty digs the kittys. makes you pretty and dance, dance, dance. -- Psalm 149 5 Let the kittys getz happy n chill. sing, dance and jump on the bed n dance, dance, dance. -- Psalm 149 6 They sing Ceiling kitty wit der mouth and wit svord. -- Psalm 149 7 Good kittys look 4 bad kittahs, and seek venjenz upn heeeeethns kittahs, heeeethns kittahs not allowed to dance, dance, dance. no can haz cheezburgrs. -- Psalm 149 8 Heeeethns kittahs can has chains, and locks. NO Cheezburgrs! -- Psalm 149 9 Ceiling kitty sees you do wha he toll ya: all kittns has honor. Lemme herye say: Praise teh Celling kitty! -- Psalm 149 1 Praise teh Ceiling Cat! Praze him in His hause. Praize him in hiz strong hause!!! -- Psalm 150 1 O hai, I r Solomon: David iz mai dad an I rulz Israel. -- Proverbs 1 2 Wisdom, I has it. Wordx of undrstand, I seez dem. -- Proverbs 1 3 An b a fair an joost d00d, -- Proverbs 1 4 An be liek yoda an' stuffs, -- Proverbs 1 5 A d00d shoud get skooled, -- Proverbs 1 6 So's they can figgur out hows teh doornobs werk. -- Proverbs 1 7 Bein' scared of teh Ceiling Cat iz pretty good start. But you needs pay attention 2 ur teecher too. -- Proverbs 1 8 Lissen to ur pop, and do wut ur momma sez, srsly, -- Proverbs 1 9 Cuz thay will buy u sum cookies. -- Proverbs 1 10 If sum d00d wants to steal cheezburgr, don't halp him. -- Proverbs 1 11 If he sez, "omg, lets hied ovr here, an' jump on doodz, -- Proverbs 1 12 Lets eated them, -- Proverbs 1 13 An' taek all teh cookies thay has, -- Proverbs 1 14 An' eat teh cookies," -- Proverbs 1 15 Yuo do not want! Do not eated anybuddy or thier cookies. -- Proverbs 1 16 D00dz liek dat iz evul. -- Proverbs 1 17 Cuz if yuo eat teh cookies, -- Proverbs 1 18 Teh cookies really eated u. -- Proverbs 1 20 Wisdom posts on teh internets, n edits wikipedia. -- Proverbs 1 21 she posts in threadz on 4chan and somethingawful: -- Proverbs 1 22 "How long, ye simple kittehs, will ye love simplicity? and the luzors delight in their lulz, and fools hate knowledge? -- Proverbs 1 23 Turn you at my reproof: behold, I will pour out my spirit unto you, I will make known my words unto you. -- Proverbs 1 24 Because I have called, and ye refused; I have stretched out my hand, and no man regarded; -- Proverbs 1 25 But ye have set at nought all my counsel, and would none of my reproof: -- Proverbs 1 26 I also will LOL at your calamity; I will mock when your fear cometh; -- Proverbs 1 27 When your fear cometh as desolation, and your destruction cometh as a whirlwind; when distress and anguish cometh upon you. -- Proverbs 1 28 Then shall they call upon me, but I will not answer; they shall seek me early, but they shall not find me: -- Proverbs 1 29 Dum d00dz kno feerz Ceiling Cat: -- Proverbs 1 30 They would none of my counsel: they despised all my reproof. -- Proverbs 1 31 Therefore shall they eat of the fruit of their own way, and be filled with their own devices. -- Proverbs 1 32 For the turning away of the lolcat shall slay them, and the return of lolrus's bucket shall destroy them. -- Proverbs 1 33 But whoso hearkeneth unto me shall dwell safely, and shall be quiet from fear of evil." -- Proverbs 1 1 Mah son, do whats I saiz, srsly. -- Proverbs 2 2 Trn ur ears 2 hear teh smart tihngs I saiz -- Proverbs 2 3 An if u start cryn an houln -- Proverbs 2 4 An if u look 4 cookies and milk -- Proverbs 2 5 Den u will understand teh Ceiling Cat an aslo be able 2 hied in da cielin invisbly -- Proverbs 2 6 Cuz teh Ceiling Cat makez u smrt an tellz u nice stufz, srsly. -- Proverbs 2 7 He will giv u ummy chiknz an fishz and stuffs an aftr u won even feel bad -- Proverbs 2 8 An he watchez teh gud peeps frum his hole in da ceiling -- Proverbs 2 9 Den u wil b a reel kewl d00d -- Proverbs 2 10 U wil b smart an has warm tummi -- Proverbs 2 11 But don jump from roof cuz u get hert -- Proverbs 2 12 B smart so teh weerdos don get u, kthx -- Proverbs 2 13 Dey mai steel ur cookies nstuff -- Proverbs 2 14 An try to pwn u frum ur ceiling hole -- Proverbs 2 15 Deyz walk funny an r sneeky -- Proverbs 2 16 U will be in tehr kitchenz eatin their cookiez -- Proverbs 2 17 Wif ur friend an a invisbl d00d -- Proverbs 2 18 But doan go wif teh sneaky gurl, u woan com bak -- Proverbs 2 19 U gota walk gud an doan fall ovar -- Proverbs 2 20 An stay standin up even if u step on spidr -- Proverbs 2 21 An den u git cheezburgr and noon else can has none, srsly. -- Proverbs 2 1 Stfu, my kittahs, sunz bheedin pappakitahs instrukins; Srsly. payz atenzion and gets teh cheezburgr!! -- Proverbs 4 2 I giv you teh sol1d teechin, so dont forgotz my wordz. -- Proverbs 4 3 Wen I wuz a kittah in my pappakitahs howse, still a nub, and spoilt onley kittah, -- Proverbs 4 4 pappakitah teeched meh, "listen to meh worz wit ur hart; payz atenzion and gets teh cheezburgr! -- Proverbs 4 5 U can has wizdom?? payz atenzion! Srsly! -- Proverbs 4 6 Love teh pussycat, pussycat can has your back! -- Proverbs 4 7 Wizdom is teh 1337; so getz some! ketteh can has wizdom! D00d, even if joo must giv ur cheesburgr for it! Srsly!! -- Proverbs 4 8 be nice to pussycat, n she wil getz u lotz of cheezburgr; includez pussycat, n she wil make sad kittah happy! -- Proverbs 4 9 She wil getz you invisable bike! and other new kittah toyz! -- Proverbs 4 10 listen kittah, Srsly... and you will lives long times -- Proverbs 4 11 Celing Cat will leeds teh kittah strait -- Proverbs 4 12 Weh teh kitteh walks, he wont tripz When kitteh runz, he wont fallz -- Proverbs 4 13 Get teh grasps on these 1337 wordz hide dem in bucket, cuz it is joo's life!! -- Proverbs 4 14 Dontz follow teh dark kittah side! or walkz like teh bad n00bz! Do not want!!!1! -- Proverbs 4 15 Cuz bad kittah must have other kitahs cheezburgr! Srlsy! they are cant has sleepzz til teh cheezburgrs is stoled! -- Proverbs 4 16 Teh bad kittah has breadz of wik3dne$!!1! and drinks the b00z of teh rudeness! -- Proverbs 4 17 Teh good kitteh paths is bright! -- Proverbs 4 18 Teh wayz of teh bad kittah is dark! LOLZ, teh bad kittah duznt even now why he falz, srsly! lol! -- Proverbs 4 19 My kitteh, stfu and listen to meh wordz! srsly! -- Proverbs 4 20 Dont be loozin teh wordz! keep teh wordz in ur buket -- Proverbs 4 21 Cuz teh wordz is tell 1337! like kitah-nip for teh kitahs body! -- Proverbs 4 22 And remembr, srsly.. gaurd ur buket! Cuz its teh yarnz of life! -- Proverbs 4 23 And dont b talkin dirteh! -- Proverbs 4 24 Teh kiteh eyes needz to look srate, srsly! -- Proverbs 4 25 Make teh pthz straignt nub! kiteh shuld only takez the flat pathz! -- Proverbs 4 26 Dont be drunk kittah drivr! no swerves kthnxs! teh kiteh pawz needz to stay away from teh evil!!11!!one! -- Proverbs 4 1 Listen up. I am so smrt S-M-R-T -- Proverbs 5 2 U need to be smrt too. -- Proverbs 5 3 U may want invisible buttsecks. -- Proverbs 5 4 Invisible buttsecks hurts tho. -- Proverbs 5 5 It will make u ded. -- Proverbs 5 6 Donut be ded. -- Proverbs 5 7 Donut be furgettin. -- Proverbs 5 8 Invisible buttsecks DO NOT WANT! rly. -- Proverbs 5 9 d00dz will maek u ded and u can has no R-E-S-P-E-C-T and will nvr find out what it meens to me. Sockit 2 me. -- Proverbs 5 10 d00dz will eated all your cookies. Srs. -- Proverbs 5 11 U will be leik OMGWTFBBQ! -- Proverbs 5 12 U sez why I not smrt S-M-R-T? -- Proverbs 5 13 U forgotteded to be smrt. -- Proverbs 5 14 Everybody no leik u. -- Proverbs 5 15 U can not has invisible buttsecks with other babymamas. -- Proverbs 5 16 Babiez with other babymamas has babymamadrama. -- Proverbs 5 17 Ur babiez will makeded u cookies and not eated them. -- Proverbs 5 18 Ur babymama is good 2. -- Proverbs 5 19 And pretty. -- Proverbs 5 20 Why want invisible buttsecks? nowai! -- Proverbs 5 21 Ceiling cat will watch you adulturate. -- Proverbs 5 22 IT'S A TRAP! -- Proverbs 5 23 U will b ded of teh dumb. -- Proverbs 5 1 D00d do whut I sez. -- Proverbs 7 2 Do wut I's say and liv. Respeck mai rulz. -- Proverbs 7 3 Teh rulzorz gots ta be part of u. -- Proverbs 7 4 An mayk shore u kno lots of stuf. -- Proverbs 7 5 Nowing lotsa stuff kepes you owta trubil. -- Proverbs 7 6 Ai remmber tihs wun time, -- Proverbs 7 7 I lookded at alla teh ppl, and wuz liek, taht guy duznt know nuthin, srsly. -- Proverbs 7 8 An he wuz walkin nere some ho's howse, -- Proverbs 7 9 An wuz dark. -- Proverbs 7 10 An teh ho came up to him, dresd all slutty. -- Proverbs 7 11 She dint liek to stay home, srsly. -- Proverbs 7 12 She wuz alwais goin owt. -- Proverbs 7 13 An she wuz all liek smoochies on tihs guiy. -- Proverbs 7 14 She sed she dun sum stuf. -- Proverbs 7 15 An she sez, "I fownded u! -- Proverbs 7 16 I ttly got lots of kewl stuff -- Proverbs 7 17 An titties. -- Proverbs 7 18 Secks me up, d00d. -- Proverbs 7 19 Mah husbnds awai. -- Proverbs 7 20 Tookd allota moneis wit him, an wont be bak foh ages." -- Proverbs 7 21 An he wuz liek, OK! -- Proverbs 7 22 An he wented wiht her. -- Proverbs 7 23 But he dint no wut waz gon hapin. -- Proverbs 7 24 So lissin up, d00ds. -- Proverbs 7 25 Stai awai from hos, speshly this wun. -- Proverbs 7 26 Lotta bad tings cud hapenn. -- Proverbs 7 27 Cuz she has syphilis. -- Proverbs 7 1 Smrt kitty is gud listner, but hozer runz awai if master sez "bad kittah!" -- Proverbs 13 2 Kittah getz gushy fuds, but bad kittah wants to kill:( -- Proverbs 13 3 Quiet cat is quiet and alive, but yarling kitty does not get gushy fuds, EVAR. -- Proverbs 13 4 Napz r nice, but if u keep hounding for treats, lyfe will be gud. -- Proverbs 13 5 Gud kitty do not want false, but meen kitty is a dizgrayce. -- Proverbs 13 6 Honest kittah is safe, but bad kittah is full of fail. -- Proverbs 13 7 Kittah who sez, "I has all teh treetz" rly has no treetz. Kittah with invisible treetz is teh win! -- Proverbs 13 8 Lots of treetz invites teh meen doggiez, but hngry kittah is OK! -- Proverbs 13 9 Gud kitty has teh sunshine, but bad kitty doz not get to b solar. -- Proverbs 13 10 Proud cat is proud but listener cat is teh smrt one. -- Proverbs 13 11 Not honest catnipz will go invisible, but keep it sumwher safe for moar catnipz! -- Proverbs 13 12 Can not has makes sad kittah, but when kittah can has, things is happy. -- Proverbs 13 13 If sumwan sez, "bad kittah!" u better listens gud and u will get treetz! -- Proverbs 13 14 Smrt kittah knows gud stuff and keep u from eating things taht r not for kittahs. -- Proverbs 13 15 Kittah who listen is poplar, kittah wif invisible listening earz will be teh fail. -- Proverbs 13 16 Smrt kitty attacks toezes coz he knows they r gud 2 attak, but dum kittah attacks things that are not gud, like doggiez. -- Proverbs 13 17 If u brings man his sox, he will gives u treeetz. If u leeves hairball in sox, u will not get treetz. -- Proverbs 13 18 If u listen when man sez, "bad kittah!" and not pee on teh sofa one moar time, u will get treetz, not a bonk on the nose. -- Proverbs 13 19 Is happy to finally get ur gushy fuds, but ur dumb if u would rather in teh garden than get fuds. -- Proverbs 13 20 To be moar wise, nap wif wise cat (he is very wise), not invisible jet ski cat. -- Proverbs 13 21 Bad kittah gets his tail stept on all teh time, but gud kittah always gets teh skritches! -- Proverbs 13 22 Good cat leaves catnip mouses for grandkittiez, but meen cat gets his mouses taken away and given to teh good baybee kittiez. -- Proverbs 13 23 Ur food dish may be full of teh chows, but meen peopless kicks it over for teh doggiez to eat. -- Proverbs 13 24 Ur peoples bonk u on teh nose when u cough hairballz on teh chair coz they loves you. -- Proverbs 13 25 Gud kittah gets all teh gushy fuds he wants, but mean kittah gets only invisible dinner:( -- Proverbs 13 1 Dis moar of wat Solomon say dat sum guys rote down. -- Proverbs 25 2 Is teh glory of Ceiling Cat to hide stuff to find it is for speshul lolcats like Kings and Optimus Prime. -- Proverbs 25 3 Theys hearts is really deep liek to the center of teh earth. -- Proverbs 25 4 Take out teh bad stuffs and you gets good stuffs. -- Proverbs 25 5 Take teh bad man out mah house and mah litterbockz be teh shiznit. -- Proverbs 25 6 Dont be actin better then teh Kings, and dont be thinkin youz speshul. -- Proverbs 25 7 Iz better if he sayz u come herre than if he has to sayz u leaves -- Proverbs 25 8 Don't be bringin false bukkits into mah litterbockz cuz u lookz dumb if I showz u got false bukkits. -- Proverbs 25 9 If u gotz a problem wit u hooman don't be making him too mad -- Proverbs 25 10 Cuz he mite not feedz u no moar And youz go hungry. -- Proverbs 25 11 Not bein stoopid Iz liek better then bein dumb. -- Proverbs 25 12 Bein smart iz not as bad as bein stoopid. -- Proverbs 25 13 Liek teh pure driven sno is teh guy who passes on teh story u told him rite cuz theyz bowf refreshing. -- Proverbs 25 14 Liek clowds and wind wif no rains is teh lolcat who sayz he gives prezents and doesn't give none. -- Proverbs 25 15 U can change sum1's mind if u bug him long enuf, liek how teh Senaturs talk 4 a really long tiem on sumthin. -- Proverbs 25 16 If u findz milks, dont be a fat kid and drinkz it all cuz you'll throw up. -- Proverbs 25 17 Don't be all playin ur naybur's Wii all teh tiem cuz he get tired of u b4 long, and not let u play no moar. -- Proverbs 25 18 Is pretty bad if u lies about ur naybur. -- Proverbs 25 19 Is not good neither if u has to call ur lame fwends if u needs halp. -- Proverbs 25 20 An dont tries to cheer up ur gf cuz they jus want to be mad sumtiems. -- Proverbs 25 21 Be nice to mean peeple cuz Ceiling Cat laiks that. -- Proverbs 25 22 Ceiling Cat will take care of thems and give u cheezburgers! -- Proverbs 25 23 Dont act a foo, cuz peeple will look at u funny. -- Proverbs 25 24 Better stay at u fwend's howz then have to listen to u gf when she's PMSing -- Proverbs 25 25 Is nice to hear from old fwends. -- Proverbs 25 26 Is sad when u sell u soul to Satin. -- Proverbs 25 27 Is not good to eat lots of catnip and then pretend youz teh King. -- Proverbs 25 28 Is liek sumthin old an busted when u not control youself. -- Proverbs 25 1 Teh werdz ov King Lemewl dat his mommy taught him: -- Proverbs 31 2 Liek, wtf, kid? An liek wtf, kid ov mah womb? An liek wtf, kid ov mah meows? -- Proverbs 31 3 U muztnt 2 much PENIS GOES WHERE? wif teh chix0rs or wif teh skanks dat pwn kingz. -- Proverbs 31 4 Wine iz not 4 kingz. Beerz iz not 4 princez. -- Proverbs 31 5 Cuz dey drink an get st00pid an mean. So tehre. -- Proverbs 31 6 Giv beerz to kittez dat iz ready 2 b ded, an wine 2 dose dat haz harblz. -- Proverbs 31 7 Let that kittez drink, an forget his harblz, an 4getz teh sad timez. -- Proverbs 31 8 Open ur mouf 4 teh kittez dat can't talk an stuff. -- Proverbs 31 9 Open ur mouf, b coolz an nize to the lil kittez. Kthxbai. -- Proverbs 31 10 Teh gud wife iz bettr than cheezburgrz! Srsly! -- Proverbs 31 1 Teh werdz ov teh preechur, teh son ov David, King of teh Jerusalem. -- Ecclesiastes 1 2 "St00pid! St00pid!" Sez teh teechurcat. "Srsly st00pid. Everythingz stOOpid." -- Ecclesiastes 1 3 Wut man getz 4 laburz he toilz @ undur teh sunz? -- Ecclesiastes 1 4 Generashun comez n generashun goez, still same lolcats. -- Ecclesiastes 1 5 Sun rizez n setz, goez bak n rize agin. -- Ecclesiastes 1 6 Teh wind blowz souf n norf, rownd n rownd, alwayz teh sayme. -- Ecclesiastes 1 7 Seaz can has streemz, nevur fullz. Streemz go bak where comez frum. -- Ecclesiastes 1 8 All tingz has do not want, more den werdz sez. Lolrus never sez "enuf bucket, kthnx" or kitteh sez "dats good, enuff cheezburger." -- Ecclesiastes 1 9 Has happen? Gunna be agin. Nuthing new undur teh sunz. -- Ecclesiastes 1 10 Kitteh can not sez "OMFGZ sumthing new!" Been hear b4, lawng ago, hear b4 our timez. -- Ecclesiastes 1 11 New kittahz 4gitz old kittahz, new kittahz 4gitd bai even newer kittahz. -- Ecclesiastes 1 12 I Iz teh teechurcat, king of teh Jerusalem. -- Ecclesiastes 1 13 I has studiez n wizdum ovur all lolcatz, n zomg wut hevy berdun Ceiling Cat putz on kittehz. -- Ecclesiastes 1 14 Teechurcat haz see lolrus n cheezburgerz n longcatz n awl dat is st00pidz, lyke chasing aftur tail. Nevr can catch teh tayle and even whn yu doo it hrtz srsly. -- Ecclesiastes 1 15 Wut iz breakd kittah cannot to be fixez, wut gon cannot iz cowntid. -- Ecclesiastes 1 16 Teechurcat sez to selv, "O hai! I has growd n increes widum moar den awl teechurcatz comez b4 meh. I has ekspeeriens much wizdum n nawledg." -- Ecclesiastes 1 17 Den I appliez self to knowz wizdomz n aslo knowz bout st00pid thingz, n lernz dat dis aslo lyke chasing aftur tayl. -- Ecclesiastes 1 18 Srsly moar wizdum iz FTL, k. Moar smartz, moar greefz. -- Ecclesiastes 1 1 sup. there has is a sison 4 everthing, and a tiems 4every purpos under teh ceiling, lol. -- Ecclesiastes 3 2 a tiemz 2 get kittehs, an a tiems 2 get ded. -- Ecclesiastes 3 3 tiemz 2 mades cookies, an also tiems 2 cheezburgers. -- Ecclesiastes 3 4 teimz 2 hugs, and loltims 4 buttsecks. u gets teh pichur. -- Ecclesiastes 3 9 what gud is it the kitteh from all that trbl? -- Ecclesiastes 3 10 i has sees what all teh mans did ther, from teh ceiling cat -- Ecclesiastes 3 11 teh ceiling cat mades teh bestes cookies and cheezbuergrs. but he aslo mades us wantz the invisibl sandwhiches he keep up in teh ceiling, omg, nfw. -- Ecclesiastes 3 12 i knows teh invisibil cheezcakes has are not filling, but better is to do gud, liek mading cookies, upgradin ram, ect., k, srsly. -- Ecclesiastes 3 13 an also of cours teh surprize buttsecks wenever possibl, lol. ceiling cat sez so. -- Ecclesiastes 3 14 teh buket of cookies meads by the ceiling catz, is ful 4ever. no wai. wai! -- Ecclesiastes 3 15 now iz alredez haz been eaten. ceiling catz wants moar but iz hungree lol. -- Ecclesiastes 3 16 in teh sun iz judgd teh cookeez, an teh wikid buttsecks, an thai dont compair to teh rightisnez of teh cheezbuergrs. -- Ecclesiastes 3 17 ceiling cat iz teh judge, jury, xecushioner 4 a purpiz. itz hiz job. -- Ecclesiastes 3 18 ceiling cat gits in the est8z of men's kidz an showz them hoos bestes, so they see they has buttsecks 2. -- Ecclesiastes 3 19 4 kiddiez an bestes rofl; one dies, and then another; thez cant breeth from the lolz; men an bestes make a big buttsecks sandwhich to the ceiling. Thai likez it. -- Ecclesiastes 3 20 evereeone cumz from teh littursbox an goez back when they takes a break. -- Ecclesiastes 3 21 men and bestes upgradez and downgradez as ceiling cat watchus. -- Ecclesiastes 3 22 i knows what it looks liek, an we should be happy, 4 their iz plenty to share: who wants sum? wink wink. tis teh sison. -- Ecclesiastes 3 1 U must hover liek teh hovercat when u come too mai plaice. Srsly. Cuz I has knew carputz lol. N wen u come ovur, can bring meh teh cookehs kthx? -- Ecclesiastes 5 2 N remmbr, I iz 1337 n U R n00b, so STFU, kk? Do a furum srch. Ttly. -- Ecclesiastes 5 3 Cuz teh n00bz iz liek OMG WTF LOL ROFL CAN HAZ COOKEH??? n I haz alreddy clozed teh chat windoze lmao. -- Ecclesiastes 5 4 But if u saiz, "O hai, I go get u cheezbrgr," u bttr bring meh teh cheezbrgr, cuz WANT NOW! -- Ecclesiastes 5 5 If no planz bring back, at leest b honust, "O hai, I gotz u cheezburger, but ten I eated it." -- Ecclesiastes 5 6 Donut saiz sumpin n00bish n ten sai, "OMG, Ceiling Cat maed me dooze it." WTF? Srsly. What I caer u sux? -- Ecclesiastes 5 7 If u smokz teh catnip, u getz mad hai, rofl. But Ceiling Cat is still 1337er. So shud fere mah lazer beems. -- Ecclesiastes 5 8 But u sais OMG, I see othr n00bs n they makez post even tho iz duplikat. kk, n u see othr n00bs, seems eats cheezburger no destroid. kk, n sumtimez, iznt even n00b at all, seems haz 1337 status. But n00bz haz many levuls n Ceiling Cat iz slow to striek from ceiling wif lazer beems. So STFU. Srsly. -- Ecclesiastes 5 9 Also remembur, Ceiling Cat created cheezburger, so if wantz can has cheezburger, shud be BFz wif inventur, rite? -- Ecclesiastes 5 10 If sum1 sais, "O Hai, I iz hungri" all teh timez, u can feedz tem cheezburger n cookehs and still not fullz. Whine n whine n eet frum ur kitteh bole n stillz hungri. -- Ecclesiastes 5 11 As tey eet teh cheezburgers, tey bcomz fatkitteh. lol biggr stumack meens not full! ROFL -- Ecclesiastes 5 1 Solomones Songz of Songz, kthx. -- Song of Solomon 1 2 Let him kiss me wit da kissus of hiz mouf-- for yer love be moar delitefool den cheezbugers. Srsly. -- Song of Solomon 1 3 Yu has a smell I likez; yer name is like smellz poorded out. Deh oter sluts luv yu too! -- Song of Solomon 1 4 Take me wit yu plz, come on! Letz go! the king bringme into hiz chamburz, k? -- Song of Solomon 1 5 I am teh dark, but I be pritty. Oh doters of Jehroosahlum, dark liked the tentses of Kedar, like teh tent curtains of Solomon. Yus, I beez dark. -- Song of Solomon 1 6 Do notz stare at meez cause i beez dark, becuz i be darkeneded by teh sun. Dat jus mean. no rly, stop staring! My moters sons beez angry wif me and maded me do werk in teh vineyahds, but that maded me not look afta mah own vineyahd. Dey were meanz. -- Song of Solomon 1 7 Hey yu! Yeh, teh wun I luv, where yu grazed yur flockz and wherez yu bring yer lazy sheepz at lunch time. Why shood I be like teh veiled woman next to teh flockz of yer friendz? -- Song of Solomon 1 8 Yu beez pritty so we helped yu. If yu dunt know follow teh poop trailz of teh sheepz and graze yer yung goats by teh tents of teh shephurdz. -- Song of Solomon 1 9 Yu are like teh horse. Wait, no! Like... like teh onez on teh chariotz of Pharoh. Wait... I beez sry. -- Song of Solomon 1 10 Yer cheekz are teh shiny wit shiny thingz like pomehgranitz. Yer neck is wit strings of jewelz, en I play wit dem. -- Song of Solomon 1 11 We will make yu teh earringz of teh gohld wit silver studz. -- Song of Solomon 1 12 While teh king wuz at his tabul eating cheezburgerz, my smellz go out. -- Song of Solomon 1 13 My luver beez like teh sack of myrrh I put between mah brestes. I want him der. -- Song of Solomon 1 14 My luver beez like teh clusterz of henna blossomz from teh vineyahdz of En Gedi. -- Song of Solomon 1 15 Yu are teh beautifool! Darlin! Oh, yu are teh beautifool! Yer eyez be like littul small durty berdz. I wants to eet dem! -- Song of Solomon 1 16 Yu are teh handsum, mah luver! And yer charmin. Our bed be teh virgin! -- Song of Solomon 1 17 Teh beemz of our houz be cedarz and our rahturz are ferz. -- Song of Solomon 1 1 I is teh roze of Sharon, and teh lily of teh valliez. -- Song of Solomon 2 2 As teh lily mungst teh tornst,so'st my lovest mungst teh dotterst. -- Song of Solomon 2 3 As teh cheeseburger tree among teh treez made of wood (wtf joo spect teh treez made of!) so is my lover (OMG, HAWT!!!)among teh bros. i has sitted down under his shadows, total pwnage, and his chzgburgrs was kk. -- Song of Solomon 2 4 He takes me to teh chzburgr joint, so i can has fud, n his banner (tat means flag, srsly) over me is luv. -- Song of Solomon 2 5 Stay wit me wit tose flags, comfut me wit chzburgrs, num, num. I is sick of love, srsly. -- Song of Solomon 2 6 His left hanz are unterneats me, and he petted me wit t'other. -- Song of Solomon 2 7 Dotters of Jerusalem, by rows and fields and hinds (watevah dose are), joo be quiet, shh! Don wake my lover up, srsly. he sleepin, kthx -- Song of Solomon 2 8 Teh voice of my lover! Srsly, joo look, he's jumping round. Like superman. WTF? -- Song of Solomon 2 9 My lover is a row or hart, and he is playing hidengoseek threw teh windo. I see joo! -- Song of Solomon 2 10 Shh, he said, "Sup. OMG, let's go. -- Song of Solomon 2 11 Winter's over, srsly. -- Song of Solomon 2 12 It is teh spring! Tere is birdies, and flowers, and turtles is talkin. Srsly, wtfux up wit dat? -- Song of Solomon 2 13 Teh fig tree is putteth fortheth her greeneth figgeths, and teh grapez smell nice. Get up, plz, kthx. -- Song of Solomon 2 14 Joo is a dove, always up in teh rocks and stuff, stop hidin, let me see joo, let me hear joo, cos joo is nice, k." -- Song of Solomon 2 15 Go catch teh fokses, teh ickle fokses, cause tey be messin up teh grapez agin. wtf, fokses? srsly, don do dat. -- Song of Solomon 2 16 my lover is mine, and vice versa. srsly. he eats flowers, tho -- Song of Solomon 2 17 In teh morning, be like a row or hart or hind (stil don kno wtf dose are, tho) and go to Bether. srsly, joo shoul go der. -- Song of Solomon 2 1 In teh nite timez in mai litterbox I be lookin fer mai boykittehfrend: I sed "O hay! Whar u beez?" but no find. INVISIBLE BOYKITTEHFREND! -- Song of Solomon 3 2 So I was all "BRB!" and went to teh citty 2 find invisible boykittehfrend. I sed "O hay! Whar u beez?" but no find. STILL INVISIBLE BOYKITTEHFREND! zomg. -- Song of Solomon 3 3 Sum watchkittehs in teh citty sed "O hay!" so I sed "O hay thar! U seen mai invisible boykittehfrend? Also, whar can I buyz cookies?" -- Song of Solomon 3 4 OMG OMG OMG, u guyse! So affer not so long I find invisible boykittehfrend! I helded him and skweezeded him and sed "I HAS A BOYKITTEHFREND!" and den I brotted him 2 my momz's litterbox whar my popz sed "PENIS GO WHERE?" to my momz long tyme ago. Kinda kreepie lolz. -- Song of Solomon 3 5 So lissen, doters o Jerusalem. BE KWIET. Don't waykez mai boykittehfrend until he dun nappin'. kthx. -- Song of Solomon 3 6 O noez! Who dis beez comin' frum teh willdurnez like pillerz o smoak? O hay, u has a smell! U has powderz! -- Song of Solomon 3 7 Ooo, look at hiz litterbox. Dis be Solomoncat. U gotz lotz of kittehs witchoo (threeskore 2 be eckzakt)! -- Song of Solomon 3 8 WTF? Dey be holdin swordzes cuz dey lykz to fite and dere skurred of teh dark. lolz. -- Song of Solomon 3 9 Solomoncat pimped hiz cherryot wif woodz from Lebanon. Mad propz. -- Song of Solomon 3 10 So like dis how it look: silver pillerz, gold rimz, perple paint jobby. Paveded wif nuttin but lurve 4 teh doters o Jerusalem. -- Song of Solomon 3 11 Git moovin, doters o Zion, go chek out Solomoncat wif hiz l33t krown! His momz giveded it 2 him and he wuz like "O snap, dis tight! I gots mad gladnezz." -- Song of Solomon 3 1 U iz so cute!U iz so hot!Ur eyez iz liek birdz,an ur hair iz liek goatzcomin down teh mountin. Datz hot. -- Song of Solomon 4 2 Ur teeth iz liek sheepdat just hadded a baff.Liek twin sheep,bcz non of ur teeth iz missin. -- Song of Solomon 4 3 Ur lips are red;ur mouth is hot.Ur buttis liek a peech. -- Song of Solomon 4 4 Ur neck iz liek a towr,,a pretti wun;wif 1,000 sheeldz hangin on it,from warrierz. -- Song of Solomon 4 5 Ur brestz iz liek babi deer,twinz evn,dat eatz flowrz. -- Song of Solomon 4 6 Until teh sun comz upan it gets liet,I wil go to teh mountin of catnipan teh hill of insense (datz u). -- Song of Solomon 4 7 U iz perfekt;dere iz nothin rong wif u. -- Song of Solomon 4 8 Com wif me from Lebanon,liek i sez, com wif me from Lebanon.Com down offa teh mounten,enni mountin u happenz to be on,out of teh lionz housizan teh leprdz housiz too. -- Song of Solomon 4 9 I luv u;u stoled mai hartwif ur briet eyez,an ur sparkli collar. -- Song of Solomon 4 10 Luvin u iz so graet,bettr dan drinkin wien,an u smel niec too. -- Song of Solomon 4 11 Ur lipz haz a flavoran so duz ur tung.U smell realli good. -- Song of Solomon 4 12 U iz liek a gardin,or maybi a fountain. -- Song of Solomon 4 13 U iz liek treezwif lotz of differnt frootz,all kiendz, -- Song of Solomon 4 15 U iz liek a drinkin bowl,teh kiend wif teh built-in watr fountin. -- Song of Solomon 4 16 Get outa bed, norf wind!,An teh souf wind too!Blow on mai gardin,so evriwun can smell how niec it iz.Let teh cat i liekz com into mai gardinan eat all teh frootz, dey is tasti. -- Song of Solomon 4 1 I iz in teh gardin,gatherin ur catnipan eatin ur honey.I drinkted mai milk too. -- Song of Solomon 5 2 I sleepted but mai heart wuzint sleepin.Mai lovr iz scratchin at teh door:"O hai let me in,mai pijin.Mai head iz wetan mai hair iz wet too LOL." -- Song of Solomon 5 3 I iz naked -duz i haz to get dresst?I lickted mai pawz an dey iz cleanduz i haz to get dem dirty agan? -- Song of Solomon 5 4 Mai luvr sticked hiz paw thru teh cat flap;I gotted all excitid. -- Song of Solomon 5 5 I got up to let him in,mai handz smellded niec,bcz i wuz wearin perfume,i gotted it all ovr the dornob LOL. -- Song of Solomon 5 6 I opended teh door,but mai lovr had left; he wuz gon.I feeld sad.I lookd for him but i didint find him.I wuz liek "Iz u dere?" but he didint ansr. -- Song of Solomon 5 7 Teh police finded mewhiel dey wuz makin dere roundz.Dey beated me upan taked mai baffrobe,dose copz! -- Song of Solomon 5 8 Hey ladiez,if u seez mai lovrwill u tel him sumthin?Tell him i liekz him a lot. -- Song of Solomon 5 9 Whatz so speshl about ur lovr,pretti ladi?Whatz so speshl about him,dat shud maek us do u a favr liek dis? -- Song of Solomon 5 10 Mai lovr has glossi orinj stripez,u can pik him out of a crowd. -- Song of Solomon 5 11 Teh fur on hiz head iz yello;it is long and wavian som of it iz blak. -- Song of Solomon 5 12 Hiz eyes iz liek pijinzsplashin in teh watr,soaked in milk,an sittin on top of a piel of cat food. -- Song of Solomon 5 13 Hiz cheekz is liek catnipan dey smellz niec.Hiz lipz iz liek flowrzan dey smellz niec too. -- Song of Solomon 5 14 Hiz legz haz goldn furwif striepz.Hiz bodi haz whiet furwif stripez. -- Song of Solomon 5 15 Hiz legz iz strongan hiz pawz iz good-lookin.He lookz liek Lebanon,or maybi jus itz treez LOL. -- Song of Solomon 5 16 Hiz mouth haz a flavor;he'z realli hot.Datz what mai lovr lookz liek,ladiez. -- Song of Solomon 5 1 Where iz ur luvr,pretti ladi?Which wai did he go,so we canz look for him? -- Song of Solomon 6 2 Mai luvr wented down to teh gardin,where teh plantz iz growin,to hang aroundan pick flowrz. -- Song of Solomon 6 3 I am hiz an he iz mien;he iz hangin out wif teh flowrz LOL. -- Song of Solomon 6 4 U iz as pretti as Tirzah,as pretti az Jerusalem,liek an armi marchin around. -- Song of Solomon 6 5 Doant look at me,itz too much LOL.Ur hair iz liek goatzcomin down teh mountn. -- Song of Solomon 6 6 Ur teeth iz liek sheepdat just hadded abaff.Dey iz all twinz,bcz u haz all ur teethz. -- Song of Solomon 6 7 Ur buttis liek a peach. -- Song of Solomon 6 8 Dere is sixti queenz,an eighti othr ladiez,an lotz of virjinz -- Song of Solomon 6 9 but u iz wun of a kiend,ur motherz only dauterur motherz favrit.Teh ladiez sez "She haz cheezburgr";teh queenz iz liek "U iz so cool." -- Song of Solomon 6 10 Who is this shini cat,shini an pretti,liek teh starz? -- Song of Solomon 6 11 I wented down to teh nut treezto look at teh babi plantz,to see if dere wuz budzor flowrz. -- Song of Solomon 6 12 Befor i knowed what wuz happenin,i wuz so horni i gotted in teh car LOL. -- Song of Solomon 6 13 Com back, Shulammite;come backso we can look at u! -- Song of Solomon 6 1 Ur pawz is pretti,u royil kittn!Ur legz iz liek julery,maed bai an exprt. -- Song of Solomon 7 2 Ur belli buttn iz liek a watr bowldat iz alwaiz ful.Ur tummi iz liek a pile of cat foodwif flowrz all around it. -- Song of Solomon 7 3 Ur brestz iz liek babi deer,dat iz twinz. -- Song of Solomon 7 4 Ur neck iz liek a towr.Ur eyez iz liek teh poolz of Heshbonnext to teh gaet of Bath Rabbim.Ur nose is liek teh towr of Lebanonpointin at Damascus. -- Song of Solomon 7 5 Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel.Your hair is like royal tapestry;the king is held captive by its tresses. -- Song of Solomon 7 6 How beautiful you are and how pleasing,O love, with your delights! -- Song of Solomon 7 7 Your stature is like that of the palm,and your breasts like clusters of fruit. -- Song of Solomon 7 8 I said, "I will climb the palm tree;I will take hold of its fruit."May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine,the fragrance of your breath like apples, -- Song of Solomon 7 9 and your mouth like the best wine. -- Song of Solomon 7 10 I belong to my lover,and his desire is for me. -- Song of Solomon 7 11 Come, my lover, let us go to the countryside,let us spend the night in the villages. -- Song of Solomon 7 12 Let us go early to the vineyardsto see if the vines have budded,if their blossoms have opened,and if the pomegranates are in bloom—there I will give you my love. -- Song of Solomon 7 13 The mandrakes send out their fragrance,and at our door is every delicacy,both new and old,that I have stored up for you, my lover. -- Song of Solomon 7 1 I wish u wer mai bruthr,so we cud hav hawt cestuous makeoutzin frunt of ppl.thats not weird, iz it? -- Song of Solomon 8 2 Plus we cud be in saem howse,drinkin mai winez and joose and cookies. -- Song of Solomon 8 3 hugz! -- Song of Solomon 8 4 but srsly, doters of jeroosalem,dun wake luv up early okit r cranky late sleeper kthx. -- Song of Solomon 8 5 ho is in r dezertleanin on boykittyfrenz? -- Song of Solomon 8 6 i has a bucket.bucket iz ur hart.bucket iz also on fire an ded and stuffs.but iz stil gud bucket. -- Song of Solomon 8 7 luv gets put in sink but iznt drownded.also u cant buy it sry -- Song of Solomon 8 8 ok so liek we hav this sistrho isnt growned up an sexy yet.wut do we do with sistr? -- Song of Solomon 8 9 we dres her up all prtyan maek lolicon 4 internets! -- Song of Solomon 8 10 ho carez? i has boobies.boykittyfriend lieks them. -- Song of Solomon 8 11 solomon has a vinyard in sum hard to spel plaec.tenants can has solomon's vinyard.he gets moneys when fruitz get ated. -- Song of Solomon 8 12 i has a vinyard too!solomon can has mai vinyard an moneys.he is gud boykittyfriend.guys dat tend teh vinyard get moneys too i guess. -- Song of Solomon 8 13 wai u spendin all ur tiemin garden w/frends?i can has ur voice?i mean not liek takin ur actual voice or nething but, liek, talking an singing an stuffs. yodeling b ok 2. -- Song of Solomon 8 14 kk lets go 2 mountainsan b deers an gazels. -- Song of Solomon 8 1 Tis be about a fantesi what a kitteh whats kawled Isaiah sawded, wen dere woz sum royel kittehs tellin uzza kittehs wat to do, n stuff. -- Isaiah 1 2 Lissen to me, Ceiling, an urth too, coz ceiling cat wantz to tel evrywun sumthin: "OH HAI guise! Lissen, me wantz youse orl to no that me had sum litel kittehkats, EVEN WIT NO PENIS GOES WHERE?, yessss. But wot ceiling cat reeli wantz to tel u iz that teh norty kittehs has dun toiletz al ova mai kittehlitta, even doe i telz tem to get dere own. I iz not happi bout it. -- Isaiah 1 3 "Teh kittehs necks door do wot dey iz told an don leav muk in uzza kitteh's littatrais, so don do it in here. zomg, how many taims duz ceiling cat hav to tel u?" -- Isaiah 1 4 Soz al teh kittehs woz bein norti, teechin uzza kittehs to maik invisible errors, steeling uzza kitteh's cheezburgrz an hordin al teh mouses. Dey even maid ceiling cat waik up in da nait by hazzing faitz bout wich kitteh's cheezburgrz haz betta picklz. -- Isaiah 1 5 But wai doesz al teh kittehs keep baitin eetch uzza? Yu kittehs are styupid. -- Isaiah 1 6 Dere iz kitteh blud on teh flor and on da kitteh flap, and ceiling cat sez he iz not draivin u to teh kitteh fixa man wen u be baitin each uzza's pawz off. He also sez it ruinz da esthetikz ov da haus bai rekkin hiz paint skeem. -- Isaiah 1 7 In fakt, u kittez haz bin bizi faitin an haz not noetist dat teh puppiz r steelin ur cheezburgr. Puppiz woz even herd sayin dat hez in ur haus, eatin ur cheezburgrz! Wtf? Dis iz not rite! Puppiz iz not aloudz to sai dat; onli kittehs iz! -- Isaiah 1 8 But neva mindz bout puppiz. -- Isaiah 1 9 ZOMG. Stfu u kittehs, u iz al bein liek saitan, an dat iz not a lolling matta. -- Isaiah 1 10 Ffs, dis iz teh last taim ceiling cat iz gonna tel u: -- Isaiah 1 11 "ZOMG GUISE, AI HAZ ENUF OV U KITTEHS! Tank u so much 4 kepin al teh mousez for me but ai kant eats dem al dat fast! Iz not lol ennimor! We iz waistin teh mousez! U iz can haz bein killin al teh mousez an i iz sik ov it! -- Isaiah 1 12 "Eniwai, hu tolded u to get al teh mousez and be rekkin mai haus? Not ai. Ceiling cat don be tellin nowun to be makin teh mes u kittehs haz maid. -- Isaiah 1 13 "So nau ceiling cat be tellin u to stop gettin al teh mousez, -- Isaiah 1 14 an u not be aloud to haz al nait partees enimor coz ceiling cat iz gettin jak ov it. Teh muzak iz too laud an teh nayborz don liek r0x0rz muzak eniwai. If u guise haz anuzza partee den ceiling cat wil be shautin 'oh hai everywun, i iz in ur partay and i iz shuttin it daun.' -- Isaiah 1 15 "An i noes dat u iz gunna cumplain bout it, but ceiling cat iz gunna sai 'tork to mai por' and waiv hiz por arund soz that he kant here u kittehs cumplainin. It iz al ur foltz for not ternin daun teh muzak, an i iz punishin u al. -- Isaiah 1 16 "Soz befor ceiling cat kikz ur kittehbutts outta teh haus, kleen it up alredi. Stop be trashin mai haus -- Isaiah 1 17 uzzawize no mor cheezburgrz, EVA." -- Isaiah 1 18 At tis point, ceiling kat iz eetin a cheezburgr NOM NOM NOM to remaind teh kittehs hu da boss. -- Isaiah 1 19 Ceiling cat sez: "I haz idea. If u kittehz do wat i sai den ai iz gonna let u haz free cheezburgrz for, ai dunno, maibe a weik? BUT ONLI IF U GOOD AN NO NOMNOMNOMIN EACH UZZA K? -- Isaiah 1 20 "But let ceiling cat worn u: if ai faind so much az WUN, i tel u, WUN, ded maus in teh cubbord, an i haz not tolded u to maik it ded, or if u be hazzin parteez in teh smorl ouwaz wen ceiling cat are tryin to get sum sleip, den i be yuuzin mai milk kanon from teh ceiling to kick al u kittehz autsaid wair thair be lionz. Even wen i here u skreechin 'JEZUZ KRAIST ITZ A LION GET IN TEH HAUS' an u kant get in teh haus coz ceiling kat haz lokked teh kittehflap, no that ai IZ NOT LETTIN U BAK IN! kthxbye." -- Isaiah 1 21 But in teh meentaim teh kittehz are stil bein norti. -- Isaiah 1 22 Teh milk haz gone off, it are poizuned wiz raibies frum ded mausez, -- Isaiah 1 23 and dere be smugglin ov kontraband kittehfood. -- Isaiah 1 24 So ceiling cat sez: "ok, stfu everywun, aiz reeli haz enuf dis taim. -- Isaiah 1 25 Nau u haz rokked teh boat an ai iz gettin out teh milk kanon. -- Isaiah 1 26 U haz krost teh lain an nau u iz gonna kop it. -- Isaiah 1 27 "Sum ov u iz not to blaim an that iz all good, -- Isaiah 1 28 but everywun els iz a ded kat!1!!one -- Isaiah 1 29 "Dis are hau it worx: i iz in ur ceiling, aimin teh milk canon. -- Isaiah 1 30 "U iz gonna be blasted frum here to ova dere an i don kair if u be chokin on exses milk. If u die dat iz ur fault. -- Isaiah 1 31 U iz den gonna lie in teh korner al soggi an manki, an i iz den gonna let in teh lionz. If u don leik, 2 bad. kthxbye." -- Isaiah 1 1 "Make no cry, make no cry muh peeps" sayz ur Celing Cat. -- Isaiah 40 2 Talk to a da heart of Ceiling Cat's city and meow at her, cuz she's all feeded and fullz, cuz her badcatness iz finished and she away! from Ceiling Cat's paw 2x for her badcatness. -- Isaiah 40 3 Big meow say, "Inna da big catbox outside wif da sandz, make way for Ceiling Cat!, make wild place be goodkittehz, a BIG road for Ceiling Cat." -- Isaiah 40 4 Big up every dippy hill place, every hill and big get small, not smoof land get smoof and close hill get faaaaaar. -- Isaiah 40 5 And Ceiling Cat's goodnesses will shows! and all peeps together will see Ceiling Cat's mouf talkin. -- Isaiah 40 6 Another cat that me not see say "Meow! and I sayz "Meow what? "All pplz r grassez n all its cheezburgers r like pretty flower. -- Isaiah 40 7 Grassez get dryz and go bai, flower go bai 2, cuz Ceiling Cat blowzed on dem; all da peeps iz grassez 2! -- Isaiah 40 8 Grassez get dryz, flower go bai but Celing Cat's werds lif foreva! -- Isaiah 40 9 Go up on big pile of laundriez, marked of Ceiling Cat's home scratchin post, meow reeel loud, marked of Ceiling Cat's city, meow louda, no scare; tells cities of Celing Cat's catdom, "Oh hai! Hail ur Celing Cat!" -- Isaiah 40 10 Lookz! Celing Cat comes wif strong pawz, da rule for him; lookz! his cheezburgerz for da peeps r wif him and his catnipz 2! -- Isaiah 40 11 Like mama cat wif her kittehs, wif his paw takez upz f00dz and carries them orf, feedin the lil kittehs on da way -- Isaiah 40 15 Beholdz. Teh nationz is in mah bucket. Srsly. Rlly Srsly. -- Isaiah 40 16 U can haz wingz like eaglez. Srsly. I be takin ur weariez. -- Isaiah 40 1 Jeremiah wuz son of Hilkiah, a preest frum Anathoth in teh land of Benjamin. He sed dis stuff. -- Jeremiah 1 2 Ceiling Cat came to him in the thirteenth year of the reign of Josiah son of Amon king of Judah. -- Jeremiah 1 3 and through the reign of Jehoiakim son of Josiah king of Judah, down to the fifth month of the eleventh year of Zedekiah son of Josiah king of Judah, when the people of Jerusalem went into exile. Neways... -- Jeremiah 1 4 Ceiling Cat sed: -- Jeremiah 1 5 "Oh hai! Befour I maed u I knew u. U pwn n ur a prophet, k?" -- Jeremiah 1 6 I sed "No wai!" -- Jeremiah 1 7 Ceiling Cat sed "Wai! Do wut I tells u! -- Jeremiah 1 8 Dun worry, I can help." -- Jeremiah 1 9 Den Ceiling Cat touched me an sed, "I'm in ur mouf, givin u werds." -- Jeremiah 1 1 Jeremiah wuz get email and stuffs from da Ceiling Cat. -- Jeremiah 18 2 Ceiling Cat sayz "Can't talk now but dez more info in dis potter's hosue". -- Jeremiah 18 3 So Jeremiah go to potthose and potter is inside potter's house, workin' ur wheels. -- Jeremiah 18 4 But the pot is all sticky and stuffs so he makes it better and stuff. -- Jeremiah 18 5 Then Jeremiah gets anuther emails from the Ceiling Cat. -- Jeremiah 18 6 RE: Israel: Israel's like pottery and stuff. -- Jeremiah 18 7 I can has destrukshon? -- Jeremiah 18 8 But you can has no destrukshon if you act cool and stuff. -- Jeremiah 18 9 And sometimes I can has new cities and cool stuffs. -- Jeremiah 18 10 But if dey suck then dey get blasted, k? -- Jeremiah 18 11 P.S. I'm gonna blwo you up -- Jeremiah 18 12 And I know ur gonna say who cares but dats ok. -- Jeremiah 18 13 So leik ask ur neighbors and stuff about dis other time I did some cool shit. -- Jeremiah 18 14 And dis is leik snow and water and stuff. -- Jeremiah 18 15 But leik, I'm lonely now cuz deez people dont burn things for me anymore dey just burn stuff for other stupid Invisible Men. -- Jeremiah 18 16 So I'm gonna get in there base and kill there d00ds. -- Jeremiah 18 17 And they gonna be all like "No wai that was luck" and I'll be all "Nah I meant to do that shit" and walk away all cool and shit. ::END TRANSMISSION:: -- Jeremiah 18 18 And de peeple say Pfff screenshots plz ur clearly just faking that email. -- Jeremiah 18 19 So den Jeremiah writes back to the Ceiling Cat...RE: RE: Israel: Yo did u hear that shit they sed? -- Jeremiah 18 20 Deyz gonna kill me cuz you smack talk too hard. -- Jeremiah 18 21 You gotta mess dem up, k? -- Jeremiah 18 22 I want to hear them QQ -- Jeremiah 18 23 So leik, do it quick before dey kill me.. P.S. they suck and you have powerups. k thx -- Jeremiah 18 1 Citeh is lonelyz cuz no mor peoplez. Citeh like ladee with no boyfriendz. Citeh wuz awsm, wuz princess citeh, now is lame. -- Lamentations 1 2 Citeh cryz!!11! Tearz is on cheekz. Citeh haz no friendz cuz they stole her cheezbrgr. -- Lamentations 1 3 Judah is exile cuz of teh bad stuffz. Out with teh nationz, no sleep for Judah! Pursuerz follows Citeh into box!1! -- Lamentations 1 4 Zion roadz is sad cuz nobdy likes them. Gatez iz desolate. Priests iz complains. Girlz is sad while Citeh iz sad. -- Lamentations 1 5 Bad Kittehs in charge. Ceiling Cat iz angry cuz Citeh wuz bad Citeh. Little kittehs in trouble now. -- Lamentations 1 6 Daughter of Zion haz no splendors. Her princez r deer w no cheezbrgrz and bein chased! -- Lamentations 1 7 Jerusalem sad citeh. Enemies iz mean!!1! They iz happy Citeh iz sad. -- Lamentations 1 8 Jerusalem wuz bad Citeh! Now wanderin citeh. Nobody likes bad Citeh. Do not want. -- Lamentations 1 9 Citeh wuz durty. Very, very bad citeh. Enemy big. Bad for Citeh. -- Lamentations 1 10 Adversary in Ceiling Cat's home. Ceiling cat does not want. -- Lamentations 1 1 At ferty yers, for mumfs, fife daze, on Chebar rivuhbank. Traffik light cat iz lit up so I seez pikchas - is teh ceiling cat. -- Ezekiel 1 2 I sed dis fiff daze k? King Jerry gon fife yers BRB LOL. -- Ezekiel 1 3 Zeke lissen to teh ceiling cat. Zeke can has hedscrach from ceiling cat. -- Ezekiel 1 4 Norf wind bring teh shiny clowd. -- Ezekiel 1 5 Shiny clowd has four peepz. -- Ezekiel 1 6 Dey iz freex, has four faciz each n wingz too! -- Ezekiel 1 7 And shiny feets. -- Ezekiel 1 8 And handz (undah wingz). -- Ezekiel 1 9 Dey fly strate - HOWZ MAH FLYNG? CALLZ 555-123-321 -- Ezekiel 1 10 Haf sed dey iz freex? OK so dey haz four faciz - wun human face, wun lion face (a lion! Get in teh car!) wun cow face n one bird face. As I seds - freex. -- Ezekiel 1 11 Haf sed has wingz - k? -- Ezekiel 1 12 Haf sed dey fly. -- Ezekiel 1 13 Sed dey haz teh fire un teh lite-ning? Noez? K, dey has. -- Ezekiel 1 14 Dey kwik. Reel kwik. -- Ezekiel 1 15 I see wheel neer eech peep - I seez invisible SUV? -- Ezekiel 1 16 Shiny wheelz wiz ickle wheels in side. -- Ezekiel 1 17 Wheelz no turn. WTF? -- Ezekiel 1 18 Awsum rimz! Alloyz wiv eyes iz cool. -- Ezekiel 1 19 Wheelz follo freex - I seez invisible SUV? -- Ezekiel 1 20 Wheelz am live, promiss! -- Ezekiel 1 21 Wheelz follo freex - I sed? Dam catnip!! -- Ezekiel 1 22 Freex shair big shinyhat. -- Ezekiel 1 23 I sed freex had der wingz? -- Ezekiel 1 24 Dem noizy wingz. Verah noizy! -- Ezekiel 1 25 Sum d00d sed sumthin from top of shinyhat. -- Ezekiel 1 26 Blue shinychare on shinyhat. Curld up on teh shinychare... -- Ezekiel 1 27 Teh catnip iz make me see stuff. I hoepz. Teh d00d's top haff wuz shiny liek fire, and hiz bottm haff wuz just fier! -- Ezekiel 1 28 Teh LOLness iz like "Whoa!". Ceiling cat am so shiny an cool an special an grate. An den I fallded ovah I herded a voyce. -- Ezekiel 1 1 Ceiling cat telled me "Stands up kitteh! I speex" -- Ezekiel 2 2 I standed ups liek majik. -- Ezekiel 2 3 Ceiling cat sez "Go on teh holibobz to Izrale. Teh peepz dere, dey iz trubble dere an doan liek Me". -- Ezekiel 2 4 "Go dere (Dey iz trubble dere an doan liek Me) an say 'I has from ceiling cat dudes, lissen!'" -- Ezekiel 2 5 "If dey has lissen or no has lissen (Dey iz trubble dere an doan liek Me) dey am seez u iz holiez kitteh. K?" -- Ezekiel 2 6 "U no am scardeycat! Iz prickelz n bugz n dey iz not nice (Dey iz trubble dere an doan liek Me)." -- Ezekiel 2 7 "U tell dem wot I sez - dey mite want or do not want (Dey iz trubble dere an doan liek Me)." -- Ezekiel 2 8 "U be good kitty an u get treetz." -- Ezekiel 2 9 Heer comez da maleman! Oohh, letta 4 kitteh! -- Ezekiel 2 10 Cuvverd in teh tiny werdz - I tink it am bad newz:-( -- Ezekiel 2 1 An he sedded 2 me: "Kitteh ov Kitteh, you eated dis, it iz scrole; den go an miaow 2 Izrale." I fort mabee it liek seekret ajent, reed messij and eated it (butt i no can reed). -- Ezekiel 3 2 Soez I open upp mows-hoel an teh ceiling cat puttin scrole. -- Ezekiel 3 3 Den he sedded 2 me: "Kitteh ov Kitteh, eated de scrole, fillup yor tum-tum". So I eated teh scrole an it has a flavor, am tayst ov hunnee in mah mows-hoel. Mmmm . . . . Holiez-scrole! -- Ezekiel 3 4 He den sedded 2 me: "Kitteh ov Kitteh, u go 2 teh haus ov Izrale an be ma ventrolickwist dummeh. -- Ezekiel 3 5 I no send u 2 forrinars hoo no can speek LOLcat, I send u 2 Izrale. -- Ezekiel 3 6 Not 2 lotsa peeps hoo no speeka LOLcat an tork teh wubbish an maek u scrach hed in puzzel, Shirley, if I did dey wud unnerstan u n lissen. -- Ezekiel 3 7 But teh haus ov Izrale is no lissen, cos dey do not want, all ov haus ov Izrale ar nasti, smelli katz. Stubbun. -- Ezekiel 3 8 I maek u stubbun liek dem kittehs. -- Ezekiel 3 9 I giff u hard hed - liek am wear motobiyk helmitt. No be scardeycat or fraydeycat, tho dey are nasti, smelli katz." -- Ezekiel 3 10 An he sedded 2 me: "Kitteh ov Kitteh, lissen up an pay attenshun wen I am tork. -- Ezekiel 3 11 Go 2 teh kittehs hoo ar nottin teh yard an speek 2 dem. Sai 2 dem, 'Dis am wot teh sovrinn ceiling cat sez,' wevva dey lissen or do not want." -- Ezekiel 3 12 Den teh invisible bit ov teh ceiling cat am lift me upp, an I herd a BIG wobbel behine me — Mai teh shiny ov teh ceiling cat lite up teh ceiling. -- Ezekiel 3 13 The noiz ov wings a flappin at creechas (dem freezx) and teh noiz of invisible SUV, lowd noiz. -- Ezekiel 3 14 Den teh invisible bit ov teh ceiling cat am lift me upp an taek me liek in carricase (butt no to teh vets), an I mad ickle kitteh - no liek travill even wiv ceiling cat hedscrach. -- Ezekiel 3 15 I am reech teh kittehs hoo ar nottin teh yard an dey am in Tel Abib neer teh Chebar rivuh. An der, wehr dey amlivv, I sit bai dem 4 hole week - am nakkerd. -- Ezekiel 3 16 At week end teh werd ov teh ceiling cat am cum 2 me: -- Ezekiel 3 17 "Kitteh ov kitteh, I has maek u a secura-kitteh (noez yewni-form sry) 4 teh haus ov Izrale; so lissen up an u tell dem wot I tell u, giv warn. -- Ezekiel 3 18 Wen I sai 2 vbad kitteh, 'U dye now kthxbai,' an no tell he or evun sai 'Be good kitteh it iz 4 own good', teh vbad kitteh, him dye 4 be vbad an I rite down dat u no halp. -- Ezekiel 3 19 But if u warn an he no lissen an say 'do not want be good kitteh', him dye an u still be good kitteh in mah buk." -- Ezekiel 3 20 "Also, wen good kitteh go bad (I hied raek in grass 4 him) an he do bad stuff, he dye. Sinse u no wanrn, he dye 4 him sin. Teh goodstuff he do is 4got, an I rite down dat u no halp. -- Ezekiel 3 21 But if u warn teh good kitteh an he no duz badstuff, he noez dye cuz ov u an u still be good kitteh in mah buk." -- Ezekiel 3 22 Teh paw ov teh ceiling cat am on mai hed, an he sed, "Up kitteh! Go 2 flat bit ov grownd an u an I haff a chat." -- Ezekiel 3 23 I got up an I go 2 flat bit. An teh shiny ov teh ceiling cat am stand dere liek I see b4 bai teh Chebar rivuh. Zeke fall down go splat. -- Ezekiel 3 24 Den teh invisible bit ov teh ceiling cat am lift me upp on mah paws. He am tork an sed: "Go in ur howse, am u lock der catflap. -- Ezekiel 3 25 An u, kitteh ov kitteh, dey will cum an play kinki bondage games an u will be tide up an no can move. -- Ezekiel 3 26 I maek u no sai safeword, dey ar nawty BDSM kittehs. -- Ezekiel 3 27 But wen I speek 2 u, I am open ur mows-hoel an u can sai 2 dem, 'Dis am wot teh sovrinn ceiling cat sez.' If dey lissen, lettem lissen an if dey do not want, lettem do not want; 4 dey are nasti, smelli katz." -- Ezekiel 3 1 "Nows kitteh, we am draws piccys. Draws me a sitty, kitteh! Jerusalem." -- Ezekiel 4 2 "Lays seej 2 sitty. An bild fort an mowndz an camps an nasty sheeps too." -- Ezekiel 4 3 "An get a BBQ. An peeps will sai 'Yo - a BBQ!' an u be all liek 'GTFO d00d!'. Has a sine sez 'Izrale'." -- Ezekiel 4 4 "K, lai down on ur leff sied an all der bad fings ov haus ov Izrale will be on u. U haff dem for de daze u lie dere. -- Ezekiel 4 5 "You lie for free hunderd an ninetee daze as dey haff bin bad for dat manee yerz!" -- Ezekiel 4 6 "Den turn ovah an we do teh uvva sied - fortee daze 4 Judah. Az dey haff bin bad kittehs 4, u gessd it, fortee yerz!" -- Ezekiel 4 7 "Now u looksee at der sitty an..." -- Ezekiel 4 8 "Ta-daa! I tide u ups! Now u haff 2 stay heer an lay seej 2 sitty." -- Ezekiel 4 9 "Takes sum lolrabbit food and some birdy food 2 an put in der jar 2 maek bred. U eatz teh bred wen u lie on ur sied." -- Ezekiel 4 10 "Way owt der food an haff sum at brekfast an sum 4 lunch an sum 4 dinna an sum b4 bed." -- Ezekiel 4 11 "An haff sum warter too - no dee-hied-rayte. Drink lottz." -- Ezekiel 4 12 "U eats teh food liek a caek. Cook it on der BBQ, lett peepz wach - u can use peepz poop 4 teh fier!" -- Ezekiel 4 13 Teh ceiling cats sed "So der peepz ov Izrale will be eetin peepz-poop-food wile I push em all ova der place!" -- Ezekiel 4 14 Den me sez "I iz good kitteh - nevva eat norty stuff, onnest! Peepz-poop-food - DO NOT WANT!!" -- Ezekiel 4 15 "K," Sez der ceiling cat, "U can use der mooes poop in sted of peepz poop 4 ur BBQ!" -- Ezekiel 4 16 Den der ceiling cat sed: "Kitteh, I stops all der food gettin 2 Jerusalem. Der peepz eet and drink der lass supplize and worry -- Ezekiel 4 17 cuz food n drinkz will be liek "404 page not found". Dey will see der uvva skinny peepz an dey will be vsad kittehs becuz dey R vbad kittehs." -- Ezekiel 4 1 "Kitteh ov kitteh, taek vbig katana sord an u shaves ur hed. Den u taek scalez an wey out allof ur hares an puttem in pilez. -- Ezekiel 5 2 When ur seej iz finish, go in to sitty an set fier to won furd ov teh hare der. Taek anuvver furd an wak it wiv teh katana sord all ovah teh sitty. Frow rest in teh air. I will chase it wiv mah sord! -- Ezekiel 5 3 But saev a few hares - puttem in ur pokkit (mebby i shud hav sed dat furst - oops, my bad!) -- Ezekiel 5 4 K, den taek few ov dose saved hares an frow em on teh fier. Ana fier will spred 2 teh hole ov Izrale's haus." -- Ezekiel 5 5 "Now, lissen up, dis iz teh sovrin ceiling cat talkin, pai attenshun: Dis is Jerusalem, der sitty in teh middul of Urf. Not middel-urf - dat iz full ov hobbitz. -- Ezekiel 5 6 Norty Jerusalem, iz sitty dat putz it paws ova its eerz an go 'La la la, I cants heer u!' Jerusalem no do wot ceiling cat want." -- Ezekiel 5 7 "So, dis iz wot teh sovrin ceiling cat sez: U R bad sitty! No lissen to ceiling cat an werse dan all naybor sittys!!" -- Ezekiel 5 8 "Rite, dis iz wot teh sovrin ceiling cat sez: Teh ceiling cat am lay der smackdown on Jerusalem an let evvrbody wotch! -- Ezekiel 5 9 Coz u got sum collectabull figgurz ov uvva godz (get full set in fiftee-too weakly partz wiv free magazeen) I iz goin to get ruff, get fizzy-kal - big tiem!! An I use lotz ov exlamation pointz!!! I iz 1 angri ceiling cat! Nevah be dis punish aggen! -- Ezekiel 5 10 I maek der kittehs eatz der parentz an der parentz to eated der kittehz (Not shur if dey taek turn or all eated eech uvva at saem tiem - werkowt deetails L8R) NE1 left I will chase off all ovah teh plaice." -- Ezekiel 5 11 "U maek der tempel all dirty. Putcha nasti fake godz all ovah plaice, maek tempel look untidee. U have pissed me off. I no liek U, no help U juss a shor az I exists!" sez teh ceiling cat. -- Ezekiel 5 12 "1 furd will dye ov sick or no eated, 1 furd wull get choppity chop by sordz and lass furd will get chase of all ovah teh plaice wiv me wayvin sord behine dem." -- Ezekiel 5 13 "Den I carm down, haff a nap an bee all sun shine an smilez aggen. Effry body noez wen teh ceiling kix ass!" -- Ezekiel 5 14 "I maek sitty crumbly ruin 4 all 2C. -- Ezekiel 5 15 All nayshuns will teez u but dey will no dat I iz been seriuss! I iz teh ceiling cat -- Ezekiel 5 16 I will maek U hunga, maek hunga werse an den maek food all gone. -- Ezekiel 5 17 I will maek hunga, send beesties to bite u an kill ur kittehs. Sickness an deff will be wiv u an I will be liek "I am in ur sitty - waivin' mah sord, killin u". Coz I iz teh ceiling cat, so dere!" -- Ezekiel 5 1 Teh word ov teh ceiling cat cum in ma eer-hole (it tickelz): -- Ezekiel 6 2 "Kitteh ov kitteh, look at der mowntanes ov Izrale; u professy againz dem -- Ezekiel 6 3 an sai: 'O mowntanes ov Izrale, heer teh wurd ov teh ceiling cat. Dis iz wot teh sovrin ceiling cat sai to der mowntanes an hillz, to de holez an der dipz: I has waiv sord at u, nok ur topz off! -- Ezekiel 6 4 I brake ur alterz an ur stink alterz an killz der peepz in frunt ov idolz. -- Ezekiel 6 5 I put der ded boddyz ov Izraleeze in frunt ov idolz an spred der bonez rownd der alter -- Ezekiel 6 6 Ware eva u ar I cum get u - I am in ur townz, brakin ur alterz an ur stink alterz an ur idolz; anyfink u maed I clik der undo buttn lotsa tiems. -- Ezekiel 6 7 Der peepz all fall down ded - coz I iz teh ceiling cat!'" -- Ezekiel 6 8 "'Butt I am spare sum peepz - doze hoo runz away. -- Ezekiel 6 9 An doze hoo runz away, dey remembaz teh ceiling cat an hav sad harts and vbad eyez. Poor ickle kittehs feel sry 4 selfs, feel sry 4 all teh norty fings dey dun, teh bad, dirty fings dey dun. -- Ezekiel 6 10 I am teh ceiling cat! I iz not kitteh hoo just waiv paw - I iz kitteh hoo uze claw!'" -- Ezekiel 6 11 "'Dis is wot teh sovrin ceiling cat sai: Clap handies, stamp feets an showt out in sad, cuz teh haus ov Izrale it fall down wiv sord, hungry an sick. -- Ezekiel 6 12 Peepz hoo liv far away dye by sick, doze nereby dye ov sord. Doze hoo not dye by sord can has dye by hungry. Dis iz how I will lay teh smack down! -- Ezekiel 6 13 U will see I am teh ceiling cat wen U all can has ded effryware - ded by teh alterz, ded in teh mowntanes an der dipz, ded by teh treez an teh stinky plaices. -- Ezekiel 6 14 I am hold owt ma paw at dem, ware effa dey livz I maek teh land all bear an nasty - all ov der way 2 Diblah. Den dey will noe dat I is teh ceiling cat!'" -- Ezekiel 6 1 Teh wurd ov teh ceiling cat am cum to me: -- Ezekiel 7 2 "Kitteh ov kitteh, dis is wot teh sovrin ceiling cat sai to teh land ov Izrale: 'Teh end! Teh end am cum upon teh four cornas ov teh land. -- Ezekiel 7 3 Teh end is now upon u an I will unleesh ma anga gainst u. I will judj u by da wai u beehave an repay u for all ov teh bad fings u dun. -- Ezekiel 7 4 I no look at u wiv pitty or spare u; I will def-natly repay u for teh fings u hav dun an teh norty fings u still do. Den u reely see I is teh ceiling cat.'" -- Ezekiel 7 5 "'Dis is wot teh sovrin ceiling cat sai: Disastr! An unherd-ov disastr iz comin. -- Ezekiel 7 6 Teh end am come! Teh end am come! It am rousd self against u. It am come! -- Ezekiel 7 7 Doom has cum to u (I likes dat game, speshully der chane-gun an der BFG) — u hoo liv in teh land. Teh tiem iz cum, teh dai am neer; there am only panic, no joy, on teh mowntanes. -- Ezekiel 7 8 Im bout 2 pour out mah wrath on u an spend mah anger gainst u; Im gonna judj u accordin 2 ur conducks an repay u for all ov teh bad fings u dun. -- Ezekiel 7 9 I no look at u wiv pitty or spare u; I will def-natly repay u for teh fings u hav dun an teh norty fings u still do. Den u reely see I, teh ceiling cat, wot iz laying der smack down.'" -- Ezekiel 7 10 "'Teh day am heer! It iz cum! Doom am cum owt on teh PC, teh shotgun am cool, shute dose nasty ipmz! (Uze IDDQD 4 ceiling cat moed) -- Ezekiel 7 11 Violenz am grow into a shotgun liek in Doom; all teh peepz be "all gon", no-boddy left - no monies, nuffin ov valu. -- Ezekiel 7 12 Teh tiem am cum, the dai iz heer. Not 4 buyr be happeh nor sellr be sad, as mah paw will wak evrywon all teh saem. -- Ezekiel 7 13 Teh sellr not recovr teh land dat he sold 4 long as dey both alive, evan wiv a reseet, 4 teh vishun waz bout der hole crowd an I can no go bak. Becus dey are bad peepz not wun will be alife. '" -- Ezekiel 7 14 "'Doe dey tidyup and toot trumpet I let no boddy fite back - as mah paw will wak evrywon all teh saem. -- Ezekiel 7 15 Outside iz teh sord, inside iz sick an hungry; dose in teh land will dye by teh sord, an dose in teh sitty will be kilt by hungry an sick. -- Ezekiel 7 16 All dose hoo suviev an escape will be in teh mowntanes, moanin liek "we iz vbad peepz, we iz soooo sry" cos dey wer norty. -- Ezekiel 7 17 Der handz go floppy an der neez go all wobbly. -- Ezekiel 7 18 Dey will ware scaredy cloths an look all sad an der hedz will be shavd. -- Ezekiel 7 19 Dey frow all ov der monies into street an gold will be liek poop to dem. No monies can saev dem from teh ceiling cat. Dey can no eat der monies any way - all it duz iz makez dem be norty. -- Ezekiel 7 20 Dey luv dere bling an use it to maek idolz and norty pics. So I will maek it all seem liek poop. -- Ezekiel 7 21 I giv dere monies an bling to forriners and to norty peepz hoo will maek it all dirty. -- Ezekiel 7 22 I look de uvva way an dey will do bad fings to ma speshul plaice.'" -- Ezekiel 7 23 "'Get sum chanez - teh land iz full ov blud an teh sitty full ov fytin. -- Ezekiel 7 24 I send invitashun to nasty countrys to hav empty haus for demselves; I stop der pride of mytee, an dere panic roomz will be full ov poop. -- Ezekiel 7 25 Wen scaredy cum dey will look 4 pees but dey no can has pees. -- Ezekiel 7 26 Clamity on clamity am cum, an rumr on rumr. Dey ask 4 advise from proffit an preest an elda but will get non. -- Ezekiel 7 27 Teh king will be sad, te prinz will be saddr an all peepz will hav wobbly handies. I will def-natly repay dem for teh fings dey hav dun an teh norty fings dey still do. Cuz I is teh ceiling cat.'" -- Ezekiel 7 1 In teh sixf yer, in teh sixf munf on teh fiff dai, wile I was sit in ma haus an teh eldas of Judah am sit b4 me, teh paw ov teh sovrin ceiling cat cum up me dere. -- Ezekiel 8 2 I looksee, an I seed a figur liek dat of a d00d. Juss liek in teh furst chapta him woz all fier from waste down an teh d00d's top haff wuz shiny liek hot mettal. -- Ezekiel 8 3 His handy cum out an grabz ma hare. Him pullz ma hare, pickin me ups an taek me on flite to teh sitty ov Jerusalem (showin in-flite movie on der way), to teh open bit ov norf gaet in inna cort were teh idol dat maek effrywun jellus stud. -- Ezekiel 8 4 An dere b4 me woz teh shiny ov teh ceiling cat ov Izrale, az in teh vishun I seed in the plane. -- Ezekiel 8 5 Den he sed to me, "Kitteh ov kitteh, look to teh norf." Soez I look, an in teh openin norf ov teh gaet ov teh alta I seen dis idol of jellus. -- Ezekiel 8 6 An he sed, "Kitteh ov kitteh, do yu see norty fings teh haus ov Izrale duz dere, tings dat am drive me way from mah sanktury? But yu gonn a see werse fings Kitteh!" -- Ezekiel 8 7 Den he am taek me to ted open ov teh cort. I looksee an sawed a hoel in teh wall. -- Ezekiel 8 8 He sed to me, "Kitteh ov kitteh, now dig in to teh wall liek a dog." Soez I dugs in to teh wall liek a dog an seez a dorway dere. -- Ezekiel 8 9 An he sed to me, "Go tru da dor an u seez all ov der norty an wikkid tings dey do in dere." (I wished dey am had invent teh camra) -- Ezekiel 8 10 Soez I go in an lookz, an I seen pikchas on teh wall ov: Creepity-crawleez an beestiez an nasty fings an and all teh idolz ov teh haus ov Izrale. So, no pr0n den:-( -- Ezekiel 8 11 In teh frunt ov dem stud seffenty eldaz ov teh haus ov Izrrale, an Jaazaniah, son ov Shaphan, am stand in der middel ov dem. Eech haff a smokey tin on a chane, an a smelli clowd ov insense rise dere. -- Ezekiel 8 12 He sed to me, "Kitteh ov kitteh, haff yu seed wot teh eldaz ov teh haus ov Izrale am do in teh dark, eech at teh shrien ov his own idol? Dey say, 'Teh ceiling cat no duz seez us; teh ceiling cat am forsake teh land.' " -- Ezekiel 8 13 Agenn, he sed, "Yu will seez dem doing fings dat are even more werse." (hurri up an invents camra plz) -- Ezekiel 8 14 Den he bort me to tee open ov norf gaet ov te haus ov teh ceiling cat, an I seed women sit dere, morn for Tammuz (a falz ceiling cat). -- Ezekiel 8 15 He sed to me, "Yu see dis, kitteh ov kitteh? Yu will seez dem doing fings dat are even more werser dan diss." -- Ezekiel 8 16 He den bort me in to teh inna cort ov teh haus ov teh ceiling cat, and dere near te openin ov der temel, betwene teh porch and teh alta, wer bout twenny-fife d00dz. Ey haff dere bax to dere tempel wer ship teh sun in teh eest. -- Ezekiel 8 17 He sed to me, "Haff yu see dis, kitteh ov kitteh? Iz it at eezy for teh haus ov Judah to do dose norty fings? Muss dey also fill teh land wiv fytin an poke me wiv a stik? Looksee dey do stuff dey noez I haet! -- Ezekiel 8 18 Soez I am treet dem wiv anga; I no look at dem wiv pitty or spaer dem. An iff dey am showt in ma eerz, I be all liek "La la la - I cantz heer yu!" -- Ezekiel 8 1 Den I herd him call owt in hiz outsied voyce, "Fech der gards ov teh sitty heer, eech wiv a weppon in hiz handy." -- Ezekiel 9 2 An I seed six d00dz comin from teh direcshun ov teh uppa gaet, wich loox norf, eech (yu've gessed it) wiv a deddly weppon in hiz handy. Wiv dem woz a d00d dressd in cloff wiv a riytin kit at hiz sied. Dey cum in an stud at teh bronz alta. -- Ezekiel 9 3 Now teh glory ov teh ceiling cat ov Izrale goez up in2 teh air, ova it goez up from abuv teh cherrybim, wher it am been, an moevd to teh freshold ov teh tempel. Den teh ceiling cat showted to teh d00d dressd in cloff wiv a riytin kit at hiz sied -- Ezekiel 9 4 an sed to he, "Go tru teh sitty ov Jerusalem an put a mark on teh forheds ov dose hoo greev an crise bout all ov teh norty fings dat am happens." -- Ezekiel 9 5 Az I listend, he sed to teh uvverz, "Plays 'follw teh leeda; wiv dis man tru teh sitty an u kilt, wiv no pitty or compashun. -- Ezekiel 9 6 U kilt der old peepz, yung peepz an maydenz, wimmin an kiddyz too, butt NOT to tutch any peepz hoo haff teh mark. U cann starts heer." So dey begann wiv teh eldaz hoo wer in frunt ov teh tempel. -- Ezekiel 9 7 Den he sed to dem, "Brake up teh tempel an fill teh corts wiv teh ded boddyz. Reddy . . . Set . . . Go!" So dey went owt an began teh killin frew out teh sitty. -- Ezekiel 9 8 Wen dey wer owt killin an I woz left aloen, I fell down on ma fase, cryin out, "Ah, Sovrin ceiling cat! Will u maek effrywon dye cuz yoor so angri at Jerusalem? Rly?" -- Ezekiel 9 9 He ansad me, "Teh norty ov teh haus ov Izrale an Judah iz vbig; teh land iz full ov bludshed an teh sitty iz full ov unfare. Dey sai, 'Teh ceiling cat am gon away; teh celing cat can has hiz paws ova hiz eyez.' -- Ezekiel 9 10 Soez I no look at dem wiv pitty or spaer dem, but I wak dem wiv ma paw for bein so bad." -- Ezekiel 9 11 Den teh d00d dressd in cloff wiv a riytin kit at hiz sied cum bak na sed, "I haff dun as yu toad me." -- Ezekiel 9 59 OK so ceiling cat is liek "I watches you masturbate even tho u no givez cheezburger n stuffs. srsly. -- Ezekiel 16 60 But what I does is I keeps promises and watches you masturbates. 4ever guyz. rly. -- Ezekiel 16 61 But u sees ur sisters and I ROFL b/c u is worried. U is liek 'Oh no ceiling cat tells.' I no tell and dey still luvs u SO much. -- Ezekiel 16 62 I tells u again I watches u masturbate. I r Ceiling Cat. -- Ezekiel 16 63 I 4gives u, but u remembers u masturbates and be too ashamed to talks. Or haz cheezburger." Teh Ceiling Cat r haz talked. -- Ezekiel 16 1 An Ceiling Cat keep speekin to me: -- Ezekiel 23 2 U kno thoes two cats over dere? Theyr momma dun kno who iz baby daddy. -- Ezekiel 23 3 An they iz both... SLUTS! Peepls from south tuched their butts. An other stuff. An they likd it -- Ezekiel 23 4 an teh cats has weerd namez an makes the baybees like doll factoreez. -- Ezekiel 23 5 Da oldr sister wants be biggest ho. So she finded peepls wit a big army, -- Ezekiel 23 6 an teh army iz all pretteh, wit horsies and shinies. -- Ezekiel 23 7 So the oldr sister mak boom boom with teh army of the peepls and with teh guvrnurs. Lots. -- Ezekiel 23 8 She useded her mojo she lernd from teh peeps in teh south. Dey gave her lots of luvins from teh south. And they gave her affekshuns. And broozes. And gonoreeuhs. -- Ezekiel 23 9 So I givs her to teh army becuz she iz infachuaded. -- Ezekiel 23 10 But teh army peepls dun want her cuz she iz ho. So dey took away all her baybees an mad her ded. Srsly. -- Ezekiel 23 11 And teh youngr sister saw this but wantd to be bigger ho then oldr sister. It wuz on lik donky kong. -- Ezekiel 23 12 So she gots her sisters blak book an findeds all the mens who made teh nastee with her sister. An she sayd "HAI U R HOTT LETS MAK OUT" -- Ezekiel 23 13 An I sees that she is lik her sister. Becuz they iz lik teh ho. An now she iz durty. Lik a ho. -- Ezekiel 23 14 But she wuld gets honry at pikshurs of mens in red. -- Ezekiel 23 15 An she gots turnd on by theyr belts and theyr hats and teh red, becuz red is teh awesom. -- Ezekiel 23 16 An soes she hads her girlfrenz tell the mens in red where to hav gud time. -- Ezekiel 23 17 An teh mens in red did things to her. And she did things to herslf with teh mens in red. And then lots of mens in red tuk turns doing things to her. And then she was lik eww gross. -- Ezekiel 23 18 Ans than alls knos her nekid body an where her mols are an stuff an I cans not luk at her becuz she is lik her sistr, an thas kinda grose. -- Ezekiel 23 19 Buts she just maks teh notty danse mors and mores becuz is how she useded to play as chiled. An she wuz rly gudz at it. -- Ezekiel 23 20 She liekd teh guys with teh big penises... lol teh RLY big penises. -- Ezekiel 23 31 Youz has gone de way of ur sister, so I be stealin' her bucket and gives it to u. -- Ezekiel 23 32 Dis is wat Ceiling Cat say: U will drink ur sister's bucket, a bucket this big, rly this big. Wai. Teh bucket is filled up wif angry stuff, cuz its a rly big bucket. -- Ezekiel 23 17 Teh walkies of the goodie iz fightins an stuff by lotza unfair gredy aholes. Mani cheeborgrz 2 teh goodie man cuz of bein nice n stuff 2 helpin kitties thru teh scary plaice. He gud goodie man and finden losted kitties an such. Ceiling cat gonna pwn demz who fuk wit my budz. U kno mai name iz Ceiling Cat whe I'z busta cap in yo azz n such. -- Ezekiel 25 1 In teh third yeer wen Jehoiakim rulez in Joodah, Nebuchadnezzar, teh kink ov Babylon camez undo Yeahroosalem an wantz cookiez. -- Daniel 1 2 Nebuchadnezzar sed: "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US", an catchz Jehoiakim, an takez lots ov cookiez from Ceiling Catz pad an stuff. Tehn he takez teh cookiez in teh pad of hiz ovn Ceiling Cat, witch wuz in teh land ov Shinar (n0t China u n00b). -- Daniel 1 3 An teh kink spokez undo Ashpenaz, witch wuz teh massa ov teh nutlezz, taht hee shoold bring soam kidz from Izraelz ppl an prinzes an stuffz. -- Daniel 1 4 Teh kidz shood be kleen an cool an swotz, 2 b cleva enuff 2 giwe teh kink cheezburgr an cood get lolspeak, 2. -- Daniel 1 5 An teh kidz gotz from teh kink cheezburgr an coke an stuff 4 3 yeers, an tehn zey cood meat teh kink. -- Daniel 1 6 An unda teh kidz from Joodah waz teh gang ov Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael an Azariah. -- Daniel 1 7 Teh massa of teh nutlezz sed, yr in ma land, an gawe them 1337 namez: Daniel gotz Belteshazzar an Hananiah gotz Shadrach an Mishael gotz Meshach an Azariah gotz Abednego, butt zey coodnt spell it. -- Daniel 1 8 An Daniel zaid im in yr land butt yr cheezburgr an coke r crap, srsly, an i getz teh runz. -- Daniel 1 9 Nau teh Ceiling Cat maed taht teh massa of teh nutlezz, hoo waz gay an stuff, lieked Daniel mutch. -- Daniel 1 10 An teh massa zaid: "OMFG i feer teh kink an he haz gawe yoo cheezburgr an coke, an wen yoo look laik scelletnz an oll assa kidz haz fad assez tehn it getz awnkool." -- Daniel 1 11 An Daniel chattet wiz Melzar, hoo waz maid the nannie ov teh kidz bai teh massa: -- Daniel 1 12 "Can we haz wead an water 4 teh nxt tenn dayez plz? kthx." -- Daniel 1 13 "An afta taht wee'll shou up an u can zee hoo lookz betta, wee or teh assa kidz hoo getz teh runz from yr cheezburgr." -- Daniel 1 14 Butt Melzar waz kool and sed: "O RLY?" And hee sed: "Deel!" -- Daniel 1 15 An afta tenn dayez teh pot headz lookt kool cuz teh kink haz goode wead an teh assa kidz lookt laik n00bz. -- Daniel 1 16 So Melzar sed "LOL" an gawe tehm nou moure cheezburgr an coke butt wead n stuff. -- Daniel 1 17 An teh Ceiling Cat gawe theeze 4 kidz the r00t pwd, an Daniel gotz kool in debuggin an stuff. -- Daniel 1 18 Az teh 3 yeerz wer ova, teh kink wantz to sea oll teh kidz, an teh massa browd tehm 2 teh kink. -- Daniel 1 19 An teh kink speekz wiz teh kidz, butt teh gang wuz mutch kooler tehn teh assa kidz, an so zey wer alloud 2 gawe teh kink cheezburgr an stuff. -- Daniel 1 20 An Daniel newz teh pwds an cheetz an stuff an pwned teh adminz an conzultanz ov teh kink, witch wer oll trollz. -- Daniel 1 21 So Daniel steiz bai teh kink an eewen till teh first yeer unda kink Cyrus. -- Daniel 1 1 An in teh seccend yeer kink Nebuchadnezzar roolez hee haz horrortripz an koodnt sleap cuz of 2 mutch wead an cheezburgr an stuff. -- Daniel 2 2 An teh kink called hiz adminz an conzultanz an wissards an Chaldeans (noboddy newz where tehy wuz cum from), an wanz 2 no wut 2 do conzernin hiz tripz. An tehy wuz in hiz room. -- Daniel 2 3 An teh king sed: "I haz a dreem" (butt wuz not teh wun ov MLK). An hee sed: "Taht dreem drivz mee nut, wut shall i doo?" -- Daniel 2 4 So teh chief ov teh Chaldeans spoukz: "LOL, u roolez 4eva! Yr dreem goez how?" -- Daniel 2 5 An teh kink sed: "If u cunt tell mee, wut teh dreem is an wut it meenz, im gettin angry. Srsly! Cuttin u in peacez, turnin yr pads 2 dunhillz an stuff." -- Daniel 2 6 "Butt when u can tell mee, wutz tihs oll 'bout, u get cookiez an cheezburgr an stuff." -- Daniel 2 7 An teh chief ov teh Chaldeans spoukz 'gain: "Yr dreem gouz how? We cun tell wut it meenz." -- Daniel 2 8 An teh kink sed: "U just wanna win tiem, LOL, im not stupid pal." -- Daniel 2 9 "I wont tell u teh dreem, cuz u just wanna ly 2 mee. If u cun tell mee teh dreem, I no taht i cun trust yr intaprayshun." -- Daniel 2 10 An the Chaldeans rply: "Tehr is nou man on earz, hoo cood no tihs. Tehr4 neva a kink axt sutch a tihngz from hiz adminz n consaltunz n Chaldeans." -- Daniel 2 11 "An itz a rly cumplikaytid thingz u wanz from ass, witch nou men cood ansr u, xcept teh invisible menz, witch livez not in tihs wrld." -- Daniel 2 12 An teh kink wuz liek "WTF!" an got angry an stuff, an sed taht oll teh wize menz ov Babylon shood b FUBARd. -- Daniel 2 13 An bcuz ov teh orda taht oll wize menz shood b FUBARd, Daniel an hiz gang shood b FUBARd 2. -- Daniel 2 14 Butt Daniel ansrd Arioch hoo wuz chief ov teh kinkz boddygardz. -- Daniel 2 15 N he axt Arioch "Y u wunz FUBAR mee?" N Arioch tould him y. -- Daniel 2 16 Tehn Daniel goez 2 teh kink an sed "Iv u givez mee sum tiem, tehn i cun tell u yr dreem. kthx." Butt tihs wuz a bluv. -- Daniel 2 17 An Daniel goez hom an tould teh gang teh hole storee. -- Daniel 2 18 Daniel sed "Wee needz help from Ceiling Cat, taht hee tellz ass teh dreem, elz tehy FUBAR ass wiz teh ozza wize menz." -- Daniel 2 19 An @ nite Daniel kood sea teh dreem, an he sed 2 Ceiling Cat "Thx, u roxx! -- Daniel 2 20 An hee sed taht Ceiling Cat rulez an nose oll pwds an is kewl an stuff. -- Daniel 2 21 An taht Ceiling Cat changz teh tiemz an cronjobz, makz kinkz an p0wnz kinkz, an givz wizdum 2 teh wize an brane 2 teh branelezz, -- Daniel 2 22 An taht hee nose oll seakritz an nose were teh lite iz in teh darkniz: Itz in teh frige. -- Daniel 2 23 An hee sed "Thx 4 givin mee wizdum an p0wer an cheetcodz an u r kewl, srsly!". -- Daniel 2 24 Daniel goez 2 Arioch an sed "Stop 2 FUBAR teh wize menz an bring mee 2 teh kink, kthx!" -- Daniel 2 25 Arioch broute Daniel 2 teh kink an sed "LOL, heer is wun ov teh ppl from Joodah hoo sed hee nose yr dreem an teh intaprayshun an stuff." -- Daniel 2 26 N teh kink axt Daniel hoo haz teh codenaim Belteshazzar "O hai! U nou mai dreem an teh intaprayshun an stuff, srsly?" -- Daniel 2 27 N Daniel sed 2 teh kink "LOL, Teh adminz an consaltunz an Chaldeanz cunt tell yr seakrit" -- Daniel 2 28 "Butt Ceiling Cat is in yr heaven an nose evrything an stuff an he haz showd kink Nebuchadnezzars wut will heppen. An wut yr dreem an wishinz meenz." -- Daniel 2 29 "Itz not mai wizdum butt Ceiling Cat haz told me, so u cun heer wut it meenz." -- Daniel 2 30 "Butt tihs seakrit wuz not reveeld cuz im smarta or clevara tehn otha pplz, butt cuz u can get teh intaprayshun an no teh thoudz ov yr hart." -- Daniel 2 31 "U has seen a great imige. Tihs imige wuz big an brite stuff an stood b4 u, butt it lookz terribel, srsly." -- Daniel 2 32 "Teh imigez hed wuz ov gould, teh breest n armz ov silva, teh belly an teh thaiz ov braz." -- Daniel 2 33 "Teh legs ov iron, hiz feet part ov iron n part ov clae." -- Daniel 2 34 "U sawez tihs till a stoun caim from somewere an hit teh feet ov teh image witch were ov iron an clae an evrything cumz doun an brouk 2 peacez an u were liek OMG." -- Daniel 2 35 "Tehn wuz teh iron an clae an braz an silva an gould, broukn 2 peacez togezza, an bcaim like teh garbidge ov teh dump an teh wind carriez tehm awai, an teh stoun witch distroit teh imige wood a big mountn an filled teh earz." -- Daniel 2 36 "C: i'm in yr dreem, nouin yr stuffz. Nau ill tell teh intaprayshun b4 teh kink." -- Daniel 2 37 "U r a kink of kinkz: Ceiling Cat gavez u kinkdum, p0wer an glory an stuff." -- Daniel 2 38 "An you p0wn oll pplz an animulz an birdz an rulez tehm oll, so u r teh goulden hed." -- Daniel 2 39 "Afta u, anazza kinkdum will cum, inferier 2 yrs, an anazza 3rd kinkdum of braz, witch shall rule ova oll teh earthz." -- Daniel 2 40 "An teh 4th kinkdum shall b strong as iron cuz iron breax oll tihngs in peacez." -- Daniel 2 41 "Butt teh feetz an touz r part of potterz clae an part ov iron, so teh kinkdum will b deewhydid." -- Daniel 2 42 "Cuz ov tihs teh kinkdum is partlee strong an partlee brouken, liek Mycrowsoft Winduz." -- Daniel 2 43 "An u has seen iron an clae mixed, so pplz will mix togezza, butt tehy'll not cleave 1 2 anazza, liek iron an clae stix not togezza." -- Daniel 2 44 "Butt afta taht, Ceiling Cat makez a kinkdum witch will b neva distroid, an it will brake oll ozza kinkdums 2 peacez n cunzoom tehm." -- Daniel 2 45 "An tihs is teh stoun u saw brakin teh iron an clae an braz an silva an gould an stuff 2 peacez. Ceiling Cat has shoun u wut cumez." -- Daniel 2 46 Tehn kink Nebuchadnezzar wuz liek OMG an fell upon hiz faes an woeshipped Daniel an tould taht hee shoold get cheezburgr an weadz. -- Daniel 2 47 An teh kink sed: "Yr Ceiling Cat rulez an p0wnz oll ozza invizible menz an iz teh kink ov teh kinks an iz a reveeler of seakrits." -- Daniel 2 48 An teh kink made Daniel a great man, gavez him manni cookiez, made him rooler ova teh hole provinz ov Babylon an chief of oll sysadmins." -- Daniel 2 49 An Daniel rekwestid from teh kink taht hiz old d00dz Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were set ova teh affairz of teh provinz ov Babylon, butt Daniel steiz in teh palaz cuz it haz aercondishunin. -- Daniel 2 1 Teh Kign Cheez Nebuchadnezzar maked a huge statchu like ninety foots big an wuz liek, "I'll put it in teh kewlest plaice in Babylon LOL!" -- Daniel 3 2 Then he sed: "Everywun get ur buts ovar here so I can sho u mai neu invenshun!" -- Daniel 3 3 Everywun went ovar thar and luuked at it. -- Daniel 3 4 Then teh kign's loud voise man sed: "OMG! I iz ttly teh sh!T." -- Daniel 3 5 "U heer muzak, u fall down, k?" -- Daniel 3 6 "If u dont, then I gets super pissed an i throw u into teh firebocks an u becom sizzly stake for to put in mai Meow Mixyumyumyum." -- Daniel 3 7 An then teh muzak cames OH NOES! So every1 felled down an wershipped teh statchu. -- Daniel 3 8 Sum ppl sed: "The Jewcats suck LOL!" -- Daniel 3 9 They sed to teh Kign Cheez: "I wants u to has meh childrens!" -- Daniel 3 10 "U sed stuffs an ppl wuz like, 'OK.'" -- Daniel 3 11 "Cuz tehy dont want to be yumyum steak in ur Meow Mix." -- Daniel 3 12 "But luuk! Teh Jewcats Shadrach, Meshach, an Abednego are teh stuupids! They arnt doing wut u sai! KILL THEM WITH FIRE DESU!" -- Daniel 3 13 Then teh kign Neduchadnezzr whas liek "O rly? OMG! I iz soooo anrgy! bring teh insurectionistz to ME!" and they wuz brot. -- Daniel 3 14 And he quesitonz themz and sez "Did u rly?" -- Daniel 3 15 "Can u do if I hand u sexond chanz? When yuo here teh muzak uv teh trompit, floot, bill gaither, liar, pieps, and all othar muzaks, u fall down, k? Otharwies u can burn in teh cheez oven wich i make for u. Yr Ceiling Cat wont resqueue u then!" -- Daniel 3 16 An teh Jewcatz sez "U NOOB! -- Daniel 3 19 Nebuchadnezzar got so dugg that he set teh giant microwayve to hi powar! So that it was sevan times tostiar than norml. -- Daniel 3 20 HEER NEEDZ MOR TXT -- Daniel 3 1 Then Michael will hovr. All nayshuns will shout DO NOT WANT lyk rly loud srsly. But den ur peepl - evryone who is linkd to from dis blog - will be delivereded. -- Daniel 12 2 All ur kittehs who sleepeded in all our base will belong to us, some wil rise to eternal cheezburgers and some to perpechool invisible buttseckz -- Daniel 12 3 Those nice kittehz will shine like the greases on teh cheezburgers forever -- Daniel 12 4 But you, Daniel, iz stale cheezburger til u stop showing me ur pokemanz an finish ur homeworkz which takes forever again. Then I can reed ur homeworkz and will increase my learnings. -- Daniel 12 5 Z0MG hold on I sees 2 d00ds standing next to teh riverz, one on each side which belong to them -- Daniel 12 6 One d00d said to another d00d hovring above teh watrs dresseded in linen, "like srsly when r they bringing out cheezburger v2.0?" -- Daniel 12 7 Teh linen d00d hadded buttsecks with the immortal kitteh and sez "a time lyk srsly guize one and a half timez. Sum1 has to breakeded the holy powr of teh holy peeplz which pwnt teh urfs. -- Daniel 12 8 I hearded but was like wtf. So I say to Ceiling Cat, "what happen next?" -- Daniel 12 9 He replied, "Go wai, Daniel, cuz u has finisheded ur homeworkz. -- Daniel 12 10 Sum ppl will eat moar cheezburgerz, but the ebil kittehs r still ebil kittehs. They DO NOT WANT understand, but the wiser kittehs who know it are a fact because of their learnings will understands. -- Daniel 12 11 In 1,290 days, kittehs no getting killed no moar. -- Daniel 12 12 If you wait 1337 days you can haz cheezburger. -- Daniel 12 13 An you, you fired, go wai til teh endz. I no wanna see you no moar. You sleep, then wake up before the urfs blow up to get ur moneyz." -- Daniel 12 1 Teh wurdz ov CEILING CAT taht camez unto Horsea whoz wuz teh suns ov Beeri an wahtevurz, bak inz teh dais wehn Jeroboam wuz teh poopz an stuvz. -- Hosea 1 2 Teh begininz ov dis wurd (bi cieling cat). He sedz sumtihn liek, Go getz a whyfe ov whoredumz an spawnz sum litle whoredumz babiez: fur teh land cummitz big whoredumz. Endz ov tranzmishun. -- Hosea 1 3 So he goez an get hotz chik namez Gomer an dey hadz HRBLE GOEZ WHERE?? wifoutz fun leik buttsecks or bluwjobz cuz taht stil wuznt inventedz yet. Dey spawnedz onez son. -- Hosea 1 4 Ceiling Cat goez speackz to Hosea ugainz an sez namez y00r ugliez sun Jezreel so i canz avenge sum blud uponz teh howse ov Jehu an stopz all teh kingdumz stuvfz in Isrealz. -- Hosea 1 5 An itz gunna pass daht day, daht i willz breakz sum bowz ov isreal an stuvfz, in teh valley ov y00r ugly sonz, Jezreel. -- Hosea 1 6 Tehn daht hot chikz spawnedz moor, poppinz outz a grlie. An Ceiling Cat gitz awl bossiez uhgainz an sez to namez it Loruhamah, so daht hez canz stopz all mersie an taekz isreal houze awaiyz. -- Hosea 1 7 But Ceiling Cat sez he gunna havez mersiez on Judah cuz dey dont masturbait an dey dizkriminaet gayz an havz himz fur a monotheistic god. an Ceiling Cat iz gunna save tehm, no onez elze wil. -- Hosea 1 8 Den Laruhamah wuz sum kindz ov whore an gotz pregnintz an spawnez a son. -- Hosea 1 9 Ceiling Cat wantz ta namez mo0r babiez so he sez namez it Loammi becuz i am notz st00pidz. -- Hosea 1 10 Cieling Cat alzo sez daht teh numbrz ov jew childrnz wilz be too maniez liek graenz ov sandz on beech an daht jew childz are hiz ppl becuz he not st00pidz. -- Hosea 1 11 Den teh jew childz getz togethr an partiez wif booze an pikcz kingz to PWN new kingdumz an den daht day becumz Jezreel. Endz ov tranzmishun. -- Hosea 1 1 Say ov ur brotherers, "Mah peeps". An say ov ur sisterers, "I has cheeseburger". -- Hosea 2 2 Say 2 ur mommy, "I R not amused." Shez not mah wife, Im not her husband. Tell her quit dresin liek whore, an givn her boobs, an not letn me eated it. -- Hosea 2 3 If she not amuse me, I tak her clothes, an makes her nakd as babee. I be in her lifes takn her watr. I has her bukket an not givin it bak. -- Hosea 2 4 I not amused wif her childrn, All from invisible buttseks. -- Hosea 2 5 I tells u momz get 2 much buttseks, makin lots ov bastardz. She sed, "I am goin 2 monorail cat! He givz me cheesburger, I is amused! -- Hosea 2 6 But I not amused. I leav her wif a lion, but she cant get in car. -- Hosea 2 7 She searched for monorail cats, but monorail cat invisible. Then she sedz "I goes wif mah husband. He givz me cheesburger an cookies. Then I can eated it." -- Hosea 2 8 She didnt knoes I has bukket 4evar, an givz her cheesburger, an cookies. But she givz it as gift wif Baal-buttsecks. -- Hosea 2 9 But I goin stop. No moar cheesburgers an cookies. No moar marriage buttseks. -- Hosea 2 10 . -- Hosea 2 11 . -- Hosea 2 12 . -- Hosea 2 13 . -- Hosea 2 14 . -- Hosea 2 15 . -- Hosea 2 16 . -- Hosea 2 17 . -- Hosea 2 18 . -- Hosea 2 19 . -- Hosea 2 20 . -- Hosea 2 21 . -- Hosea 2 22 . -- Hosea 2 23 . -- Hosea 2 1 Ceiling Cat telded Joel who was maded by Pethul -- Joel 1 2 heer dis, old ppl.. Dis be Epic. -- Joel 1 3 Tellded ur babiez who tellded ur babiez babiez who tellded ur babiez babiez babiez. -- Joel 1 4 all da plants r ded from bugz. NO WAI! -- Joel 1 5 All da alkehol ded too. OMG. -- Joel 1 6 dem bugz r the strongerest and has big teef. -- Joel 1 7 All da graeps and fignwtns r gone! oh noes. -- Joel 1 8 *cry* -- Joel 1 9 you cannot has cheezeburgers or cookies or anything! Srs. Not even for givin 2 Ceiling Cat. -- Joel 1 10 no more visable tree or greaps or oluvs or bukkits. -- Joel 1 11 ur so sad, invisible everything. -- Joel 1 12 invisible everything maek u sad. -- Joel 1 13 no eats or drinkiez 2 give Ceiling Cat, that sux. -- Joel 1 14 Tell all teh d00dz no cheezburger for you! -- Joel 1 15 Ceiling Cat is watching you, and he is mad to you. -- Joel 1 16 we run out of happy, all da foodz r ded. -- Joel 1 17 We planteded seedz and still no foodz. -- Joel 1 18 The moocows and sheeps want foodz. -- Joel 1 19 no more visible tree, leik lazerbeems fired at it pew pew pew and it burnd. -- Joel 1 20 All the lolcats has thirst. -- Joel 1 1 Amos form Tekoa, wifout teh earfkwaik, sed dis for Izrale: -- Amos 1 2 Sed: Ceiling Cat gona sayz hai, and teh sheeps and teh Caramelz go wayz. -- Amos 1 3 Ceiling Cat sed Gilead no be diggins, you be on punishment. -- Amos 1 4 So i's berns you. -- Amos 1 5 An i's maik yous do werks too. -- Amos 1 6 Ceiling Cat sed dey shuldnt Eatum, you be on punishment. -- Amos 1 7 i's berns moar. -- Amos 1 8 an anebodi else dais toos. -- Amos 1 9 Ceiling Cat sad Eatum has still moar punishments. -- Amos 1 10 i's is watching Tyrus bern. -- Amos 1 11 Ceiling Cat does not want Eatum. -- Amos 1 12 Moar berns. -- Amos 1 13 Ammons is on punishment also. -- Amos 1 14 i's is pyro. -- Amos 1 15 So no worrys Izrael, i's put all those kings on punishment, Ceiling Cat sed. -- Amos 1 1 Ceiling Cat sed: these peeplez are bad. Moab is on punishment. -- Amos 2 2 i's is profeshunal berner nowz. -- Amos 2 3 i's is also dais some moar, Ceiling Cat sed. -- Amos 2 4 Ceiling Cat sed: Judah you is bad toos, you ignorez Ceiling Cat, yuo is on punishment. -- Amos 2 5 bernz. -- Amos 2 6 Ceiling Cat sed: Izrale you too!? Why you sellz shooz? You is on punishment. -- Amos 2 7 Why you makes hobos derty, and steels wimps moneys? Whyz you an ur dad has buttsecks on same harbl? -- Amos 2 8 You is sleeps on cherch, and getz drunks even when you has not a hard day. -- Amos 2 9 i's tolds you about the Amorite berns? -- Amos 2 10 i's gave you this lands form Egypt? -- Amos 2 11 i's mades you strawng boyz. O rly, Izrale? Sed Ceiling Cat. -- Amos 2 12 But you donts carez, you just drunks, and says no tells. -- Amos 2 13 So now I's feels konstipaiteds. -- Amos 2 13 i's gonna makes yuo on such a punishment! -- Amos 2 13 you's will has invisible clumzies, nothing werks. -- Amos 2 14 Only if you has kerudge, then you can runs nakid, sed Ceiling Cat. -- Amos 2 1 You hears Ceiling Cat, Izrale, all of you form Egypt? -- Amos 3 2 i's stuck with you, and you's did bad, now you is on punishment. -- Amos 3 3 We has no agreeings. -- Amos 3 4 Why woulds lions come to cars if it has no drivers? -- Amos 3 5 Who has jumping on babies if no babies walks in front of bush? -- Amos 3 6 You likes loud sounds? Does bear has poop in woods? Does Ceiling Cat watch masturbaturs? -- Amos 3 7 Ceiling Cat would put on punishment, but tells frends first! -- Amos 3 8 Ceiling Cat says O hai! I is telling frends! They tells too! -- Amos 3 9 So's starts climbings, cuz i's has maaaad. -- Amos 3 10 DO NOT WANT, sed Ceiling Cat, bullees and robers. -- Amos 3 11 Ceiling Cat sed: they is on punishment. -- Amos 3 12 Ceiling Cat sed: I has help for some frends, you childrens comes with me. -- Amos 3 13 Test if I, sed Ceiling Cat. -- Amos 3 14 DO NOT WANT that cherctch. -- Amos 3 15 DO NOT WANT any houzes, sed Ceiling Cat. -- Amos 3 1 o hai, Bashan. You do not want hobos and has many drunks. -- Amos 4 2 Ceiling Cat sed that you is on punishment form fish hookz. -- Amos 4 3 Also cows has home in palass now, sed Ceiling Cat. -- Amos 4 4 But you has to brings a money too. -- Amos 4 5 And then you says blesses you when i's has a sneeze, Izrale, sed Ceiling Cat. -- Amos 4 6 See, I has given you teeths and breads, but I has no prezint form you. -- Amos 4 7 Remembers how I gives you showers? -- Amos 4 8 And remembers how i's fills water dish, but you has no water on me? -- Amos 4 9 I's even dones your gardinnings! Sed Ceiling Cat. -- Amos 4 10 Evens when i is mean and no cleans your litter boxes, you has sed nothing. -- Amos 4 11 Or sometimes I has nice to some and means to others, but quiet Izrale is quiet. -- Amos 4 12 So Izrale, i's hopes you is ready to says hai to Ceiling Cat. -- Amos 4 13 Creatur Ceiling Cat is Creatur. -- Amos 4 1 Izrale, i has crying. -- Amos 5 2 Teh verjin has lost her harbls. -- Amos 5 3 Ceiling Cat sed: Tehre has onle roomz for my frends now. -- Amos 5 4 But Ceiling Cat sed: you can still has be my frend if you want: -- Amos 5 5 If you do though, you DO NOT WANT Bethle or Giggle. -- Amos 5 6 Be Ceiling Cat's frend, or else he's berns moar. -- Amos 5 7 Anywon who has a flavor of wurmwud or is a jerk, -- Amos 5 8 Better be Ceiling Cat's frend now: -- Amos 5 9 Ceiling Cat has strong for you. -- Amos 5 10 Good Ceiling Cat is good. -- Amos 5 11 If Ceiling Cat is mad, dough, you will has nothings. -- Amos 5 12 Ceiling Cat has always watched you masturbate. -- Amos 5 13 Prudent cats are prudent, while Sinful cats are sinful. -- Amos 5 14 Ceiling Cat has frends with Prudent Cat. -- Amos 5 15 Ceiling Cat has frends with Good Cat. -- Amos 5 16 Ceiling Cat sed: evrywon has crying soon. -- Amos 5 17 Crying also for drunkz, sed Ceiling Cat. -- Amos 5 18 Ceiling Cat watchez in dark moar than lite. -- Amos 5 19 But i's alwayz see yous when you does it. -- Amos 5 20 Ceiling Cat mite watch in dark if he has no frends. -- Amos 5 21 You all has a flavor. Ceiling Cat does not want. -- Amos 5 22 I has seen some of your prezints. Are not so gret, aktualy. -- Amos 5 23 DO NOT WANT yure muszics either. -- Amos 5 24 But Ceiling Cat has frends with Wrichus Cat. But only if Wrichus Cat is Wrichus. -- Amos 5 25 Have you know what I means, Izrale? -- Amos 5 26 I thinks you do not has, becuz you has many masturbashuns. -- Amos 5 27 So you is on punishment, sed Ceiling Cat. -- Amos 5 1 U think u iz saef in Zion an up on Mount Samaria. -- Amos 6 2 U iz so rong. -- Amos 6 3 U think "I wil taekz caer of dis tumorro." -- Amos 6 4 U lie around all day eatin cookies. -- Amos 6 5 an jammin on teh guitar. -- Amos 6 6 U getz drunk an putz on suntan loashn LOL. -- Amos 6 7 U will be teh first to go. -- Amos 6 8 Ceiling Cat sez, "I haetz Jacobz family an all his baeses." -- Amos 6 9 Dere cud be ten d00dz in wun house n dey all wud die. -- Amos 6 10 N if sumwun dumz to taek teh bodiz an burn dem an dey ar liek "Enibodi dere?" an sumwun ansrz "no," dey will be liek "STFU an don maek Ceiling Cat ani angriyer dan he alredi iz." -- Amos 6 11 Bcz Ceiling Cat has sed "Smash up teh house! -- Amos 6 12 Duz horses run on teh rocki mountn? U haz turnd justiss into poisn. -- Amos 6 13 U iz happi dat Lo Debar got beated. An Karnaim. -- Amos 6 14 But I sez "Israel, I iz sendin an armi dat wil kik ur ass frm Lebo Hamath all teh wai to Arabah." -- Amos 6 1 Ceiling Cat showded me dat he wuz makin lotz an lotz of bugz to eat all teh wheetz. -- Amos 7 2 Dey eated evrithin an I wuz all "Ceiling Cat, no!!!!! Jacob wil die! He iz tini!" -- Amos 7 3 So Ceiling Cat chanjded hiz mind."Just kiddin," he sed. -- Amos 7 4 Den he showded me dat he wuz goin to set teh whoal countri on fier. -- Amos 7 5 An I wuz all "Ceiling Cat, no!!!! Jacob wil die! He iz tini!" -- Amos 7 6 So Ceiling Cat chanjded hiz mind."Just kiddin, I wil not do dat eithr," he sed. -- Amos 7 7 Den he showded me a wall an he wuz uzin a levl to maek shure it wuz strait. -- Amos 7 8 An Ceiling Cat askted, "What duz u see, Amos?"I sed "A levl."Den Ceiling Cat sed, "I iz settin up a levl to chek teh peeplz of Israel. I cant put up wif dere nonsens no moar. -- Amos 7 9 "I will destroi Isaac's high plaecizn trash hiz saef plaisizn attak Jeroboams famili wif mai sword." -- Amos 7 10 Amaziah wuz a priest in Bethel. He tolded King Jeroboam, "Amos is causin a ruckus an makin trubl for u here in Israel. -- Amos 7 11 He iz all" 'Jeroboam wil get killded wif a sword,an teh peepl of Israel wil be drivn awai,far awai from hoam.' " -- Amos 7 12 Amaziah tolded Amos, "STFU an go bak to Judah. -- Amos 7 13 Stai out of Bethel kthnxbai." -- Amos 7 14 Amos tolded Amaziah, "I wuzint a proffet befor an neithr wuz mai daddi. I takeded caer of sheepz an treez. -- Amos 7 15 But Ceiling Cat tolded me to cut dat out and go tell teh fyoochr to teh peepl of Israel. -- Amos 7 16 Now u lissnz to what Ceiling Cat sez. U sez," 'Doan predikt bad thingz for Israel,or for Isaacs famili eithr.' -- Amos 7 17 "So Ceiling Cat sez:" 'Ur wief will becom a hookr,n ur kittnz will all get killded wif a sword LOL.Ur properti wil be taekn by othr peeplzan u wil die far awai.Teh peepl of Israel wil be drivn out of Israel,awai from hoem.' " -- Amos 7 1 Ceiling Cat showded me a baskit of riep froot. -- Amos 8 2 "What u seez, Amos?" he askted."A baskit of riep froot, duh," I sedded.Den Ceiling Cat wuz liek, "Teh tiem is riep for mai peeplz in Israel. I iz not lettin dem off teh hook enni longr." -- Amos 8 3 Ceiling Cat sez "Peepl will stop singin in teh templ an crai insted. Dere wil be bodiz all ovr teh plaec LOL!" -- Amos 8 4 Lissin up, u who iz steppin on teh poor peeplzan killin dem too, -- Amos 8 5 u iz all liek"Izint it tiem yetfor us to sell cookies?rippin peeplz offan charjin too much? -- Amos 8 7 Ceiling Cat wuz liek "I iz not goin to forget dat enni tiem soon. -- Amos 8 8 Teh whoal countri wil shaek bcz of disan evribodi in it wil be sad.Teh whoal countri wil riez up liek a rivr floodinan get stirrded up an den sink LOL." -- Amos 8 9 "When dat day comz," sez Ceiling Cat,"I wil maek teh sun go down at noonan teh wrld wil be dark. -- Amos 8 10 U wil be cryin insted of partyinan cryin insted of singin.I wil maek u waer a papr bagan shaev ur hedz LOL.It wil be az bad az losin ur onli kittnan evn teh end of teh day wil suk. -- Amos 8 11 "Teh tiem iz comin," sez Ceiling Cat,"when i wil maek evribodi hungri -not hungri for cookies or thrsti for milkz,but hungri to heer mai wurdz. -- Amos 8 12 Peepl wil go all ovr teh plaecfrom wun end of teh countri to teh othr,lookin for teh wrdz of Ceiling Cat,but dey woant find dem LOL. -- Amos 8 13 On dat daiteh pretti yung ladiez an tuff yung d00dzwil pass out bcz dey iz so thirsti. -- Amos 8 14 Teh peeplz who iz alwaiz goin on about Samaria,or about Dan's godor Beersheba's godwill fall downan never get up agen LOL." -- Amos 8 1 I seeded Ceiling Cat standin by teh altr, an he wuz liek:"Hit teh topz of teh pillrzso teh whoal door shaekz.Maek dem fall down on evribodiz hedzan if enniwun iz left I wil kil dem wif teh sword LOL.No wun wil escaep,no wun wil escaep. -- Amos 9 2 Dey can digz to teh bottm of teh graev, but i wil catch dem LOL.Dey can cliem up to hevn,but i wil pullz dem down. -- Amos 9 3 Dey can hied on teh top of teh mountn,I wil get dem eniwai.Dey can hied at teh bottm of teh oshin,I wil maek a snaek biet dem LOL. -- Amos 9 4 Evn if deir enemiz drievz dem awai,I wil hav sumwun kil dem wif a sword.I wil look at deman maek dem sad." -- Amos 9 5 Ceiling Cat, teh all-powrful Ceiling Cat,who touchiz teh urthz and maekz it melt LOL,an evribodi in it is liek "O noes!",maeks teh land riezis liek a rivrden sink liek a rivr -- Amos 9 6 Ceiling Cat bildz an awsum house in teh ceilingwif a basement on teh ground,he taekz all teh watr from teh oshinan poorz it on teh urthsCeiling Cat iz hiz naem. -- Amos 9 7 "U iz Israelites, riet?Liek teh Cushites?"sez Ceiling Cat."Didint I bringz Israel up from Egypt,teh Philistines from Caphtor an teh Arameans from Kir? Didint I? -- Amos 9 8 "Ceiling Ct iz lookinat dat bad kingdm.I wil destroi itan wiep it off teh faec of teh urthsbut i iz not gonna destroiall Jacob's famili,"sez Ceiling Cat. -- Amos 9 9 "I wil giv teh ordr,an shaek hiz housamng all teh othr countrizliek salt in a shakr LOL,an nothin wil fal out. -- Amos 9 10 All teh bad peeplzwil die bai teh sword,evriwun who sez'We is saef LOL.' -- Amos 9 11 "When dat happnz I wil putDavidz tent bak up.I wil fix it,fix it riet up,liek it use to be, -- Amos 9 12 so dat dey can get bak whatz left of Edoman all teh countriz dat iz naemd aftr me,"sez Ceiling Cat. He wil do it, too. -- Amos 9 13 "Teh tiem iz comin," sez Ceiling Cat,"when teh farmz will get all confusdedespeshli teh wunz plantin graepz.Wien wil run from teh mountnzan all teh hillz LOL. -- Amos 9 14 I wil let Israel com hoem;to fix up dere citiz.Dey wil maek wien;an cookiez mm. -- Amos 9 15 I wil send dem hoam,an dey can stai dere dis tiemin teh land I givded dem,"sez Ceiling Cat. -- Amos 9 1 Won tiem, Ceiling Cat sez to Jonah, -- Jonah 1 2 "Chu goes to Nineveh. Tellz tehm, Ceiling Cat sez "Oh I see what you did tehre. DO NOT WANT! Doom on yz! kthnxbai" -- Jonah 1 3 But Jonah packs hiz bukkits and fleas to Joppa and bye tikkits to Spain. -- Jonah 1 4 Tehn Ceiling Cat haz maked wind, and maked a sobad storm cam up. Teh ROFLcopter was nrly broken to pieces. -- Jonah 1 5 Teh sailors wuz fraidys.Tehy all skeered and preying to inbisible manz coz kittahs is not liek to get wet. Tehy even tossn tehy cookies overbrd for bettar floating. All tihs tiem, Jonah iz loafin, nsez "Five moar minitsplz". -- Jonah 1 6 Teh ROFLcaptin iz sez, "excuze me. wat youse iz sleeping foar? Get up and pray to your inbisible man u wuz tellin us about! Prabs he will not ded us. Maybe he sends uz safe to ar forevar home." -- Jonah 1 7 Teh sailors aks tehyr inbisuble mans who started it. srsly. And theyr inbisible mans pwnz Jonah. Then tehy makez a gang and cmmence to pokin' Jonah, cuz it hiz fault. -- Jonah 1 8 They akses him, " Y U R starting tihs? Hu maked winds? is not sew grate akshully. Is yu in teh seawrker union? Where iz yr cheezburger? Who are yr forevar fambly?" -- Jonah 1 9 Jonah sez, "Oh hai. Is okay. sry I skare yu. I haz harbl, and Ceiling Cat wat cerated heav'n n urfs n stuff and not eated it, is mai homeboi." -- Jonah 1 10 Tehn, tehy start cryn and houlin, cuz Jonah already teld them hiz camoflage iz not werkin. Tehn they sez, "orly? Ceiling Cat is knows all and seez all. U broked it. srsly." -- Jonah 1 11 Teh storm kept waving. Iz microwave, then mexican wave. -- Jonah 1 12 Jonah sez "Rsistnce iz fewtile. Biff me in teh sea, ocean can pwnzd kittah. Is mai fault. sry." -- Jonah 1 13 But Michael triez to row teh boat to shore. He is phail, and teh storm iz getting worsnwors. -- Jonah 1 14 So tehy preyed to Ceiling Cat, "wait. no! plz don't drowns uz, cuz cats dusn't lieks to get wet. DO NOT WANT. plsthnxbai." -- Jonah 1 15 Tehn they toss Jonah into teh waterz, and teh sea iz calmed down liek on ritlin. srsly. -- Jonah 1 16 Teh sailors iz so skeered they makes offrings of catnips and cheezeburgers and loots in bukkits for Ceiling Cat. -- Jonah 1 17 Ceiling Cat maeked a LOLrus to eated Jonah, and Jonah iz in yr whale making yr sushis for three days and three nights. -- Jonah 1 1 Jonah prayd 2 Ceiling Cat from insid teh big fishs insids. -- Jonah 2 2 And sed,Becos I iz so verey distresd, I call 4 teh Ceiling Cat, and he hearz me. Evn from teh deep bad wet plaice I callz, and u hearz me. -- Jonah 2 3 4 u throws me into teh nasti water, and maik me wet all ovr, with yr waves and splashs. -- Jonah 2 4 I sed, Im out of yr site, lookng at yr holey tempel. -- Jonah 2 5 Teh water all rownd me, maik me wet rite thru: Iv got weedz all rownd my hed. -- Jonah 2 6 I sinkd down rite 2 mountans roots, I thinkng I iz trappd beneth earth 4ever, oh noes!: but you rescuse me aliv from teh hole, Ceiling Cat. -- Jonah 2 7 I iz going 2 die, oh noes!, but just tehn I remmembr teh Ceiling Cat: and I prays, 2 yr holey tempel. -- Jonah 2 8 Iz wrng 2 fix clawz into wrng thingz, iz no cheezburgr for teh bad kitty. -- Jonah 2 9 But now Im singng hapy songz; and I pay u bak 4 yr helps just liek I sez. Kitty-savng iz done by teh Ceiling Cat. -- Jonah 2 10 So tehn teh Ceiling Cat speke to big fish and it barf up Jonah on teh shor. -- Jonah 2 1 Tehn Ceiling Cat looked down from hole in the ceiling agen and sez to Jonah: -- Jonah 3 2 "Oh hai. Go to Nineveh and houl and youwl and tell tehm dis trufs." -- Jonah 3 3 An' Jonah did what Ceiling Cat toled him to dis tiem, cuz catz hates getting wet. Now Nineveh is a srsly big citteh iz liek three days to com tehre. rly. -- Jonah 3 4 On the first day, Jonah started into the city. He proclaimed: "Forty more days and Nineveh will have no cheezburger. Inbisible Anvil is coming! Ceiling Cat is liek to pwnzd yu. HAHA" -- Jonah 3 5 wait! no. The Ninevites blieved Ceiling Cat. They put down they cheezburgers and tehy pokemans, even tehy charizzads. Teh king...layd down nekkid in teh dust. oh noes! -- Jonah 3 6 When teh king of Nineveh heered dis, he took off his royal robes, and layd down nekkkid in teh dust. oh noes. -- Jonah 3 7 Then he sez "zomg! OMGWTFBBQ!!1! Nineveh: not let kittahs or aminals or burdies or fishz or mor living stuff has a flavur; do not want. srsly." -- Jonah 3 8 So da kittahs and aminals and hoomans hied in yr dirteh cloze baskitz and preyed. -- Jonah 3 9 Hu knew? Ceiling Cat might think taht good enuf and not eatz us or mek us ded." -- Jonah 3 10 When Ceiling Cat see what tehy did tehre he calls it Caturday and gived tehm cheezburgers and cookies. -- Jonah 3 1 Jonah gotted mad tho. He wuz lookin forwrd to seein teh Ninevites get pwnded an sayin "I told u so." -- Jonah 4 2 He wuz liek "Ceiling Cat, u is nice. -- Jonah 4 3 So plz kil me now kthnxbai." -- Jonah 4 4 But Ceiling Cat wuz liek "No." -- Jonah 4 5 Jonah sitted down to see what happnd to teh citi. -- Jonah 4 6 Ceiling Cat maded a plant gro, an teh shaed maded Jonah happi. -- Jonah 4 7 But teh nekst mornin Ceiling Cat sended a worm an it eated teh plant. -- Jonah 4 8 An Ceiling Cat maded teh sun shien so briet dat Jonah wantd to die agin. -- Jonah 4 9 Ceiling Cat wuz liek "Why for u iz mad about teh plant?" Jonah wuz liek "STFU, dat plant wuz makin me happi, u suk." -- Jonah 4 10 Ceiling Cat wuz all "U caerz about teh plant evn tho u didint do ennithing for it an evn tho it wuz onli here for a dai. -- Jonah 4 11 But teh citi of Niniveh haz lotz of peeplz n catz too. Shudnt I caer about it?" -- Jonah 4 1 Dis am wurd of Ceiling Cat, dat He sed bout Samaria n Jerusalem, 2 Micah strait outta Morasthite, wen sum n00bz was runnin Judah. -- Micah 1 2 “Listen up peeps! An teh wrld n all teh stuff 2, cuz Ceiling Cat am gonna lay teh smack down. -- Micah 1 3 Cuz teh Cat am gonna come down frm teh Ceiling, n ride about da wrld on mai tricked-out invisibul lo ryder. -- Micah 1 4 N all ur base r belong to us, cuz I cn melt stuff, srsly! -- Micah 1 5 Cuz Ceiling Cat is rly rly peezed off wth Jacob n Samaria n Judah n Jerusalem. n00bz! -- Micah 1 6 I r gonna flatten all ur cheezburger places, n ur juicebox factories, n dig up ur wrld gud. -- Micah 1 7 N ur internetz will be broked, srsly. I r gonna giv it 2 hoes 2 run, cuz u sux so bad. Ther will b no IT support, u can 4get that. -- Micah 1 8 I r gonna miaow in all ur faces, n tak my robe off, rly, cuz I r so dun wth n00bz laik u. -- Micah 1 9 Cuz Samaira is spreadin its nasty shizzle all ova Judah, wtf? -- Micah 1 10 U cn 4get talkin bout it on teh internetz. R U DUM? I areddy tole u bout dat! Meester Aphrah shud roll on teh flore getting his fir dusty. -- Micah 1 11 Cuz he livs in Saphir n am laim. -- Micah 1 12 N u in Maroth, u n00bs is waitin 4 gud stuff frm Ceiling Cat but u am gettin ebil instead! U am so pwned! -- Micah 1 13 U in Lachish run away cuz Israel am givin u sin cooties. -- Micah 1 14 U am betta giv sum cheezburgerz 2 Moreshethgath 2 mak dem cover ur azzez, n Achzib shud be sneaky an trick Israel. -- Micah 1 15 U r so lucky, cuz sum1 r coming hoo will fix up ur dum shizzle an tak away ur sin cooties. He am teh 1337. But u will suk neways cuz da onlee shiny can come frm Ceiling Cat; teh rest am shizzle, srsly. -- Micah 1 16 U shud pull ur fir out til u luk as dum as teh bald eaglz, cuz u am so screwed, 4 realz.” -- Micah 1 1 Peeps dat caws ebil n invashuns am so screwed, spesh 1s dat skeem in der beds n do it in teh a.m. -- Micah 2 2 Dey monch teh cheezburgerz frm otha peeps, nom nom nom, n moov in 2 der cribs n am mean 2 the bebbeh kittenz, n diss der histry n such. -- Micah 2 3 So Ceiling Cat sez “check it, I r makin sum big ebil gainst dem invashun peeps, wat will keep dem rly sad n heavy til dey learnz deir lessonz. -- Micah 2 4 N the tablz am turned on teh invadrz, hoo sez ‘I can has no histry, an I r slave 2 u, an u has monched teh cheezburgerz n I has 0 left, srsly.’ -- Micah 2 5 N no 1s gonna fix it 4 dem, cuz all der base r belong 2 us. -- Micah 2 6 Even teh kittenz of Jacob am not safe frm Ceiling Cat’s paw. -- Micah 2 7 Cuz I is 1337 at patience, but I r pissed nao, n u can has lesson 4 realz. -- Micah 2 8 C cuz dis am y Ceiling Cat r mad wth u: u am bad h8rz, n mess wth peeps dat r kool, u taks der wkd sneakers 4 urselvz n loks teh kool peeps up in teh hole. -- Micah 2 9 U r takin womenz away frm der bebbeh kittenz, n makin der kittenz h8 mai shinies cuz dey am sad. -- Micah 2 10 U mite as well get it ova wth, uv rly effed up dis time n ur gonna b punished sooner or l8r. -- Micah 2 11 All ur leaderz shud suk, cuz its all u deserve. -- Micah 2 12 U am lucky dat Ceiling Cat am so 1337, cuz I r gonna fix u 2, n mak u all BFFs 2gether. -- Micah 2 13 Ur harts will b opened up 2 Ceiling Cat, n ur leaderz will show teh wai, cuz dey am followin me.” -- Micah 2 1 Micah sed, “listen up, n00bz wats runnin Israel, u shud laik totallee no betta. -- Micah 3 2 U am h8in on gud n luvvin ebil, n u am skinded mai peeps an kutted dem up. -- Micah 3 3 U am laik cannibuhls! GROSS! -- Micah 3 4 U betta not aks Ceiling Cat fr help wen u needz it btw cuz u can talks 2 teh paw. -- Micah 3 5 Ceiling Cat sez ur profitz is laim, n00bz, dey am callin shizzle cheezburgrz R U DUM? -- Micah 3 6 Ur profitz no can has vishuns frm Ceiling Cat no moar, n u am laik ‘am sunshiny tomozzle, or rainin?’ BUT NO CAN HAS WETHER 4CAST, N00BZ! -- Micah 3 7 N ur profitz will b laik ‘sux 2 b us.’ -- Micah 3 8 But Ceiling Cat hav maid me 1337, so I cn lai it out 4 u, n I c all ur sin cooties. -- Micah 3 9 So I tells u srsly u am betta pai attenshun! -- Micah 3 10 All ur base am maid of fail, n u am maid of fail 2. -- Micah 3 11 Cuz Ceiling Cat has gives u meellions of pressies, laik ur wiggy judgz bein wize, n ur profits havin vishuns, bt u am nt appreeshyatin teh skillz, u am pimpin teh skillz, n u still tinks Ceiling Cat am ur BFF. -- Micah 3 12 Ceiling Cat am nt ur BFF, n He am gonna lay teh smack down, Chuck Norris-style, n all cuz ur laim.” -- Micah 3 6 Wut does the Ceilin Cat require ov u? 2 act justly, luv mersee, an walk humbly wif ur Ceilin Cat. -- Micah 6 1 O hai dis iz a viziun Nahum had about Nineveh. -- Nahum 1 2 Ceiling Cat is jelus an alwaiz getz evn. He getz evn n he iz realli pisst. He getz evn wif hiz enemiz and staiz pisst at his enemiz. -- Nahum 1 3 Ceiling Cat iz powrfl. He duz not get pisst ovr nothing. But when he duz all teh bad d00dz wil be sorri. He maekz tornaedoez an stormz an when he walkz hiz pawz stur up cloudz. -- Nahum 1 4 He sez to teh sea "Ur bad" n it driez up. Teh rivrz drai up too. Bashan and Carmel drai up an all teh flowrz in Lebanon turnz grai. -- Nahum 1 5 Teh mountnz shaek an teh hillz melt liek ice creem. Teh world trembulz an so duz evribodi in it. -- Nahum 1 6 Who can taek hiz angr? Who can taek hiz angr? (I sed dat alreddi, but itz importnt) Hiz angr iz liek fier an it braekz all teh rockz. -- Nahum 1 7 Ceiling Cat iz good. he protektz u when tiemz is bad, if u trust him he taekz caer of u. -- Nahum 1 8 But he wil maek a flood an get rid of Nineveh. He will chaes hiz enemiz into teh darknis. -- Nahum 1 9 Dey trai to figr out how to stop him but hez too smart for dat. Dey wont get awai wif it twaice. -- Nahum 1 10 Dey wil get stuk in teh weedz n drunk n eated up. -- Nahum 1 11 Sumwun comed from Nineveh Who maekz evul planz an givz bad advaice. -- Nahum 1 12 Ceiling Cat sez: "U haz lotz of frendz but dey wil all die. I wuz hard on Judah but I wont do datz no moar. -- Nahum 1 13 Now I wil taek off ur collar n set u free." -- Nahum 1 14 Ceiling Cat sez to Nineveh: "U no getz kittens. I wil braek ur idolz dat iz in ur tempul. I wil dig u a graev bcz u suck." -- Nahum 1 15 Look up in teh mountnz n u will see sumwun's feetz. He bringz good news an sez "Peace!" Judah - hav partiz n keep ur promisiz. Teh bad d00dz wil leav u aloan bcz dey will be destroid. -- Nahum 1 1 Nineveh, sunwun iz getting in ur baes, killin ur d00dz. -- Nahum 2 2 Ceiling Cat will fix up Jacob to be cool liek Israel evn tho teh enemi taered dem up n evn messt up teh gardn. -- Nahum 2 3 Hiz d00dz haz red sheeldz acshlly deyr warin all red; dey haz shini chariotz liek new n speerz too. Not liek Britni I meenz reel speerz. -- Nahum 2 4 Teh streetz is full of chariotz goin all ovr liek firi torchiz or maybi lietnin. -- Nahum 2 5 He summnz hiz d00dz dey is fallin down LOL. Dey runz to teh wall n raiziz teh sheeldz. -- Nahum 2 6 Teh door opinz an teh cassl fallz down LOL. -- Nahum 2 7 Teh citi haz to be sent awai. Teh slaev grlz iz all "O noes!" Dey is upsetz. -- Nahum 2 8 Nineveh iz liek a bathtub wif all teh watrz runnin out. Evriwun iz all "Cut it outz" but it duzint maek a differns. -- Nahum 2 9 Steal teh silvr! An teh gold! Derez plenty, lotz n lotz! -- Nahum 2 10 All Niniveh's stuffz got taeknz. Peepl doant feel so good. Dey doant look so good neethr. -- Nahum 2 11 Whaer iz teh lion'z house now, where deyr cubz eatd an Mr. n Mrs. Lion wented an all teh littl lionz? -- Nahum 2 12 Teh lion bringd hiz cubz cookies n Mrs. Lion too, n filled hiz house wif meat n filled hiz house wif meat. (I iz repeetin maiself bcz itz poetri) -- Nahum 2 13 "U sux," sez Ceiling Cat. "I wil set ur chariotz on fier an kil ur lionz wif a sword. Nuthin wil be left. I wil evn maek ur messinjrz STFU." -- Nahum 2 1 Haha sux 2 be teh citi of blood, full of liez, full of stoln stuffz, full of victimz! -- Nahum 3 2 An whipz! -- Nahum 3 3 An wepnz! Teh pielz of ded peeplz ar so big no wun can count dem all an peeplz is trippin on dem LOL. -- Nahum 3 4 All bcz of a hookr who knowd magikz an maded evribodi slaevz wif her sexinis an her magik -- Nahum 3 5 "I haetz u," sez Ceiling Cat. "I wil put ur skrt on ur hed n evribodi wil see u nakkd LOL." -- Nahum 3 6 I wil thro poop at u an not be niec to u an evribodi will be all "LOL." -- Nahum 3 7 Evribodi wil run awai an be all "O noes!" -- Nahum 3 8 At leest Thebes had a rivr around it to protekt it. -- Nahum 3 9 An Cush and Egypt an Put and Libya were protektin it. -- Nahum 3 10 But it got beated eniwai. Evn teh litl kittnz got killded. -- Nahum 3 11 U will get drunkt an hied from teh enemi. -- Nahum 3 12 All ur bases iz liek appl treez. U jus haz to shaek dem an all teh applz fall down an aniwun can pik dem up. -- Nahum 3 13 All ur d00dz is jus chikz eniwai. Ur doorz ar opin an dey iz on fier LOL. -- Nahum 3 14 U shud get sum watr an fix evrithin up! -- Nahum 3 15 Teh fier wil eat u teh sord will cut u. -- Nahum 3 16 U haz lotz of biznismen But dey eatz evrithin up liek bugz an den fliez awai. -- Nahum 3 17 Ur gardz iz liek bugz an so iz ur politishnz an dey wil fly awai too. -- Nahum 3 18 Ur sheprdz iz asleep an so iz ur importnt peeplz. -- Nahum 3 19 U iz so beat up u iz gonna die. Evribodi is liek "LOL" bcz dey all haetz u. -- Nahum 3 1 Teh oracle dat Habakkuk teh prophet gotzted. -- Habakkuk 1 2 OHAITHAR Ceiling CAt, why u be ignorin me? -- Habakkuk 1 3 ur all liek, "violence n haterz, let me show you them" -- Habakkuk 1 4 there4, u suck. luv, Habakkuk -- Habakkuk 1 5 Jus be patient H-kuk. Ima do sumthin so awezum u won't bleeve. -- Habakkuk 1 6 U know those Babylonians? They are sum bad ass haterz, alwayz stealin cookiez n shit -- Habakkuk 1 7 Evryboday see dem n go OHNOES BABYLONIANS n runs away. Babylonians know this. -- Habakkuk 1 8 Liek, even their horsies can kick your ass -- Habakkuk 1 9 oh yeah, and they be all into enslavin u -- Habakkuk 1 10 n killin ur leaders n l00tin n pillagin -- Habakkuk 1 11 but that's why they're sum guilty mofos. They think they stronger than Ceiling CAt -- Habakkuk 1 12 OHAITHAR again Ceiling CAt, r u not everlastin gobstopper? u gonna punish teh haterz? -- Habakkuk 1 13 U has eyez to pretty 2 see teh haterz, dat's why u sayin nuthin when ppl steal my cookiez -- Habakkuk 1 14 It liek dis: u make teh kittehs like teh feesh -- Habakkuk 1 15 n teh haterz liek teh fish-manz, -- Habakkuk 1 16 n when the fishmanz gets teh feesh he's all like LOL I caughted u NOM NOM NOM -- Habakkuk 1 17 n this iz givin us kittehs srs depreshun -- Habakkuk 1 1 yway, waitin to hear from u, KTHXBAI -- Habakkuk 2 2 So Ceiling Cat sez: "here's a tablet, u better fucking get this." -- Habakkuk 2 3 "I knoes u be waitin 4 a revelashun, but these things take time. Itz comin tho, u wait." (Check back of book if u can't wait) -- Habakkuk 2 4 "n this d00d here, his desirez not right, but all these kittehs still think he's pretty fucking cool" -- Habakkuk 2 5 "I mean, he's all drunk n greedy n arrogant n stuff, but evryones liek, OMG BFF!" -- Habakkuk 2 6 "this guy needz sum srs hatin. Needs to be remindin 'woe to thee who b stealin all those cookiez'." -- Habakkuk 2 7 "Cuz one day all those kittehs gonna want they cookiez back, and then it's gonna suck for him" -- Habakkuk 2 8 "Y? Cuz you stole all teh cookies, yeah u rly effed stuff up dis time" -- Habakkuk 2 9 "Woe to him who get his cookiez by unjust gain, to set his foodbowl on high, to escape the clutches of ruin! -- Habakkuk 2 10 ou has plottd teh ruin ov lotz da peoplez, shamin ur own houz an forfeitin ur life. -- Habakkuk 2 11 teh stonez ov teh wall will cry out, an teh beams ov teh woodwork will echo it. -- Habakkuk 2 12 woe 2 him hoo buildz city wif bloodshd an establishez town by crime! -- Habakkuk 2 13 has not CEILING CAT determind dat teh peeps labor iz only fuel 4 da fire, dat teh nashuns exhaust themselvez 4 nothin? -- Habakkuk 2 14 da earth will be filld wif teh knowledge ov teh glory ov CEILING CAT, as teh cheez covr teh brgr. -- Habakkuk 2 15 woe 2 him hoo givez drink 2 his neighbors, pourin it frum teh wineskin till they r drunk, so dat he can gaze on their nakd bodiez. -- Habakkuk 2 16 u will be filld wif shame instead ov glory. nao it ur turn! drink an be exposd [g]! teh cup frum teh CEILING CAT rite pawz iz comin around 2 u, an disgrace will covr ur glory. -- Habakkuk 2 17 teh violence u has dun 2 lebanon will overwhelm u, an ur destrucshun ov animals will terrify u. 4 u has shd kittehs blood; u has destroyd landz an citiez an evry1 in them -- Habakkuk 2 18 ov wut value iz an idol, since kitteh has carvd it? or an image dat teachez liez? 4 kittehz hoo makez it trusts in his own creashun; he makez idols dat cant mrow. -- Habakkuk 2 19 woe 2 him hoo sez 2 wood, come 2 life! or 2 lifeles stone, waek up! can it giv guidance? it coverd wif gold an silvr; thar iz no breath in it. -- Habakkuk 2 20 but teh Ceiling Cat iz in his holy temples; silencin teh earthz w/ hiz awezum." -- Habakkuk 2 1 Im in ur shigionoth, bein a profet. -- Habakkuk 3 2 Ceiling CAt, i has herd ov ur fame; i stand in awe ov ur deedz, o Ceiling CAt. renew them in r dai, in r tiem mak them known; in wrath remembr mercy. -- Habakkuk 3 3 Ceiling cat came frum Teman, teh holy wan frum mount Paran. his glory coverd teh heavunz an his praize filld teh urths. -- Habakkuk 3 4 his splendor wuz liek teh sunrize; rays flashd frum his paw (wuz invisible powr!) -- Habakkuk 3 5 plague n pestilence: do not want -- Habakkuk 3 6 he stood, an shook teh earth; he lookd, an made teh nashuns tremble. teh ancient mountains crumbld an teh age-old hills collapsd. Ceiling Cat eternally p4wns. -- Habakkuk 3 7 i saw teh tents ov Cushan in distres, teh dwellings ov Midian in anguish. -- Habakkuk 3 8 wuz u angry wif teh rivers, o Ceiling cat? wuz ur wrath against teh streams? did u rage against teh sea when u rode wif ur horsez an ur victorious chariots? -- Habakkuk 3 9 u uncoverd ur bow, u calld 4 lotz da arrows. Selah. u split teh urths wif rivers; -- Habakkuk 3 10 teh mountains saw u an writhd. torrents ov watr swept by; teh deep rawrd an liftd itz wavez on high. -- Habakkuk 3 11 Teh Sunz an Moonz tehy stood steel in teh Ceiling; at teh glint of yer flyin hrbls; at teh lite of yer catnip mices. -- Habakkuk 3 12 in wrath u strode thru teh urths, an in angr u threshd teh nashuns. -- Habakkuk 3 13 u came out 2 delivr ur peeps, 2 save ur anointd wan. u crushd teh leadr ov teh land ov wickednes, u strippd him frum head 2 foot. selah -- Habakkuk 3 14 wif his own spear u piercd his head when his warriors stormd out 2 scattr us, gloatin as though bout 2 devour teh wretchd hoo wuz in hidin. -- Habakkuk 3 15 u trampld teh sea wif ur horsez, churnin teh great waters. -- Habakkuk 3 16 i herd an mah hart poundd, mah lips quiverd at teh sound; decay crept into mah bonez, an mah legs trembld. yet im gonna wait patiently 4 da dai ov calamity 2 come on teh nashun invadin us. -- Habakkuk 3 17 though teh fig tree doez not bud an thar r no grapez on teh vinez, though teh oliv crop fails an teh fieldz produce no fud, though thar r no sheep in da pen an no cowsies in da stalls, -- Habakkuk 3 18 yet im gonna rejoice in da Ceiling CAt, im gonna be joyful in ceilin cat mah savior. -- Habakkuk 3 19 Ceiling Cat makez mah paws like feetz of kitteh ... i meens deerz. He letz me climz up top teh mountainz. Oh hai deejay plz to be playz on mah instramints wit stringz KTHX. -- Habakkuk 3 1 Ceiling cat telded Zephaniah stuffs. Dis was when Josiah (who was maded by Amon)was da kingz of Judah-land. I thawt u shud no dat Zephania was maded by King Hezekiah who was maded my Amaria who was maded by Gedaliah who was maded by Cushi. Sure iz lotz of "iahs" made by dat Cushi guy. Srsly. -- Zephaniah 1 2 nywaz afer all da mading happens Ceiling Cat says "I will make ded all stuffz on da erth. All the LOLruses, moocows and peeple. No one will not has ded. I, Ceiling Cat has spoked" -- Zephaniah 1 3 " I am mad to you, Juruselem-Town and Judah-ville. U all wurship da pretended Ceiling Cat, FAIL" -- Zephaniah 1 4 nyone who wurships starz n moonz and sunz will be ded -- Zephaniah 1 5 U front 2 Ceiling Cat and wurship pretended Ceiling Cat, you can has poison Cheezeburger! -- Zephaniah 1 6 U axe for Ceiling Cats's halp but donut listen, u will has dedness too." -- Zephaniah 1 7 Ceiling Cat will pwn da erth soon, so be kwyat. d00dz will be in ur Judah-ville, stealin ur stuffz. -- Zephaniah 1 1 So Darius wuz had been kyng for a-zactly 18 munts wen Ceiling Cat sez a msg to Haggai, who told it to Zerubbabel an Joshua like word fur word: -- Haggai 1 2 U Israel-cats r lazy cats. U says, "We cuud maik templ-basket 4 Ceiling Cat, but DO NOT WANT todai. Is too much work. Tomorrw alwaiz bettr" -- Haggai 1 3 So Haggai kep talkingz, passing on teh wurds uv Ceiling Cat. -- Haggai 1 4 He sai: How come u sleeps in special basket-hoamss with soft fancy blankets wen my blankies r in tatters an mah basket-templ is in ruinz n I has to sleeps on cold n dirti fluurs? -- Haggai 1 5 Kittehs U must has prioriteez! U all mean 2 Ceiling Cat, an what has it earneded U? -- Haggai 1 6 U makeded cookies but u could not eated thems, for they was burned. U drankeded water but u still had thirsts (also later on you peed the waters out). U earneded monies but then lost them when you eated them. -- Haggai 1 7 Kittehs U must has prioriteez! -- Haggai 1 8 Go hop up onto hills, OK? Pluck weeds outta da groun 'n' weave me a new basket-templ now kthx. -- Haggai 1 9 U thot U had gatherd enuff 2 bild mah basket-templ. Unacceptable! Ah puffd an bloo it awai. Coz yr basket-hoams R well bilt, an mine iz broken-down mess. -- Haggai 1 10 So I punish you, maid it not rain n stuff. Because I's Ceiling Cat, an' I can do that. -- Haggai 1 11 No rain at awl, so U FAIL! -- Haggai 1 12 N the Israel-cats remembered, n dey listened to Haggai coz Haggai was sent by Ceiling Cat. -- Haggai 1 13 N Haggai sed, "Ceiling Cat is with you!" -- Haggai 1 14 Den Ceiling Cat juicd up the relijin ov Zerubabel an Joshua an all teh cats, so dey wurkd very hard on teh baskit-templ fur Ceiling Cat, -- Haggai 1 15 gettin startd three an' a bit weeks later. -- Haggai 1 1 In layt July teh ceiling cat am cum to Haggai. -- Haggai 2 2 "Go see Zerubbabel, kitteh of Shealtiel, teh guvnor uv Judah An Joshua, Jehozadak's ickle kitteh, teh hi preest An all so wots left ov de peeps an sayz:" -- Haggai 2 3 "Dudes, WTF happnd? Ware did all go rong?" -- Haggai 2 4 "Buff up guyz - I, teh ceiling cat, am wiv u!" -- Haggai 2 5 "No be fraydy-cat - I, teh ceiling cat, am heer." -- Haggai 2 6 "I maek urf kwake - Ricta scale no am inventd yet but I do big kwake!" -- Haggai 2 7 "I shake til monies fall owt ov pocketz. Putt monies in howse." -- Haggai 2 8 "I wants all shiny fings, is all mines." -- Haggai 2 9 "Dis howse wil be betta dan evah. All wil be nice n kwiet - no fytin" -- Haggai 2 1 Ceiling Cat's Meowz 2 Israel, that Malachi sez. -- Malachi 1 2 I luvs u, rait? Sez Ceiling Cat. U sez, Nu-uh. E-sw wuz Jacbs bruder, I luvs Jacb, rait? -- Malachi 1 3 E-sw is a n00b. I'm in his mountins layin waste to his hertge for the dragins! -- Malachi 1 4 Edom sez, we so puur. But we bild churchez kthxbai. Ceiling cat sez: U put up i knoxit dwn, u sux, and evrybodi knws it. Ceiling Cat h8s u frever kthx. -- Malachi 1 5 U can sees, u cant touches. -- Malachi 1 6 Kitteh luvs cat, Ibe CEILING cat, where be luv, Kitteh? Sez Ceiling cat. U sez WTF? -- Malachi 1 7 Ceiling Cat sez. u leaved teh bad cheezburger in mah bowlz,. U sez "WTF?". Ceiling Cat sez now mah bowlz iss teh bad bowlz. -- Malachi 1 8 U gives me cheezburger , no cheez. NOT a cheezburger. Gives sucky cheezburger to ur ma, see if she laiks teh ntsogretaktuallee cheezburger. -- Malachi 1 9 Now u asks Ceilin Cat to laik u? OMGWTF? -- Malachi 1 10 "I wish sumwun wud shut teh templ doorz to keep u all out! I iz not happi wif u," sez Ceiling Cat, "so stop givin me prezintz kthnx. -- Malachi 1 11 Evribodi wil liek mai naem," sez Ceiling Cat. Sumtiemz Ceiling Cat sez thingz dat doant go togethr, I doant alwaiz undrstand LOL. -- Malachi 1 12 "But u iz all snotti about what iz on mai tabl. -- Malachi 1 13 U iz whinin an bitchin about it.."Why u givz me sik animalz? Why shud i put up wif dat?" sez Ceiling Cat. -- Malachi 1 14 "If u cud giv me a good prezint but givz me a stupid wurthliss wun, i putz a curse on u, bcz i iz graet," sez Ceiling Cat. "U shud evn be afraed of mai naem." -- Malachi 1 1 "Diz part iz for u, preests. -- Malachi 2 2 If u duzint lissn, an if u duzint start sayin mai naem wif respekt," sez Ceiling Cat, "I wil put a curs on u. I wil evn curse ur blessinz. Akshli I alreddi haz LOL. -- Malachi 2 3 I wil curse ur kidz and grandkidz an smeer u wif sheep gutz in publik LOL. -- Malachi 2 4 I wil do dis bcz i maeded a deal wif Levi," sez Ceiling Cat. -- Malachi 2 5 "i had a deal to giv him lief an peece an he wuz all liek 'O Ceiling Cat u rok.' -- Malachi 2 6 He wuz onnest an peesful an maed evribodi behaev. -- Malachi 2 7 "A preest shud talk sens bcz he workz for Ceiling Cat. -- Malachi 2 8 But u iz teechin nonsens an u ruinded mai deal wif Levi," sez Ceiling Cat. -- Malachi 2 9 "So i puttd a curs on u an maed fun of u in publik bcz u haz ben doin peepl favorz insted of enforsin teh law." -- Malachi 2 10 We all haz teh saem fathr (I meenz Ceiling Cat) so whai iz u fietin all teh tiem? -- Malachi 2 11 Judah did sumthin nasti an maded Ceiling Cat's favrit templ dirti bai marryin a forin godz daugter. -- Malachi 2 12 If enniwun duz diz, Ceiling Cat kicks him out, an woant let him bak evn if he givz Ceiling Cat prezintz. -- Malachi 2 13 Oh an u iz cryin all teh tiem bcz Ceiling Cat iz mad at u. -- Malachi 2 14 U iz liek "Why?" Itz bcz u lefted teh wief u marrid when u wuz young. -- Malachi 2 15 Ceiling Cat putted teh wief an teh huzbnd togethr soez u cud haz relijis kittnz. So doant dump ur wief dat u marrid when u wuz yung u dick. -- Malachi 2 16 "i haetz divorse, an violense too," sez Ceiling Cat.So be good k. -- Malachi 2 17 Ceiling Cat iz tierd of ur wurdz."Whai?" u sez.Bcz u also sez "Ceiling Cat liekz u to do evil, it maeks him happi," thatz whai duh. -- Malachi 2 1 "I wil send mai d00d wif a messij about teh deal i wil be offrin u. O an he wil maek evrithin reddi for me to com. Den teh lord u iz lookin for wil com to hiz templ," sez Ceiling Cat. -- Malachi 3 2 But when he showz up it wil be ruff, bcz he iz liek soap (srsly). -- Malachi 3 3 He wil maek evrithin cleen an peepl wil give Ceiling Cat prezintz, -- Malachi 3 4 an he wil sai "OK u can giv me prezintz" liek in teh old dayz. -- Malachi 3 5 "I wil punish evriwun who duz bad thingz," sez Ceiling Cat. -- Malachi 3 6 "I duzint chainj," sez Ceiling Cat. "Datz whai u haznt ben destroid. -- Malachi 3 7 U haz ben braekin mai lawz for a long tiem. If u cut it out i wil com bak," sez Ceiling Cat.""But u iz liek 'How duz we do dat?' -- Malachi 3 8 "Can u rob Ceilinc Cat? U iz tryin to LOL.An den u plaiz innosint an iz all 'How?'U iz sposet to giv me prezintz but u doant. -- Malachi 3 9 Datz whai i putted a curs on u. -- Malachi 3 10 Bring me cookies an you can hav cheezburgrz. Lotz of cheezburgrz. -- Malachi 3 11 I wil get rid of teh roachiz an fliez an maek ur catnip grow," sez Ceiling Cat. -- Malachi 3 12 "Evribodi wil be jelus." -- Malachi 3 13 ""U sez bad thingz about me," sez Ceiling Cat."An den ur all 'Realli liek what?' -- Malachi 3 14 "Well for wun thing u sed 'Servin Ceiling Cat duzint do enni good, we duzint get nothin for it an we nevr haz enni fun. -- Malachi 3 15 Bad peeplz get awai wif evrithin an Ceiling Cat duzint stop dem.' " -- Malachi 3 16 Den sum peeplz wuz liek "Ceiling Cat iz mad o noez, letz maek him happi." Dey writed a book an it maed Ceiling Cat feel bettr. -- Malachi 3 17 "OK, dey can liv," sed Ceiling Cat. -- Malachi 3 18 "An u wil see teh differns betwin good peeplz an bad peeplz." -- Malachi 3 1 Teh ceiling cat sez "Glowbl Warm iz happen d00dz - Rly!" -- Malachi 4 2 "Not worriez - Am save u. Put u wiv der mooes." -- Malachi 4 3 "Stamp on teh bad kittehs pls." -- Malachi 4 4 "No forgot Moses? Dat storey iz klassik! Memba da ten r00lz" -- Malachi 4 5 "Elijah sez 'BRB!' He bak b4 Urf go BOOM!" -- Malachi 4 6 "Elijah start HART TRANSPLANT FRENZEE!! Or teh ceiling cat spank. Big tiem!" -- Malachi 4 1 Dis book of genie-ologee of Jesuz Christ, son of David, son of Abraham: -- Matthew 1 2 Abraham maded Isaac, Isaac maded Jacob, Jacob maded Judah and hiz bros. -- Matthew 1 3 Judah maded Perez and Zerah wit Tamar. Perez maded Hezron, and Hezron maded Ram. -- Matthew 1 4 Ram maded Amminadab, Amminadab maded Nashon and Nashon maded Salmon. Not liek the fish, lol. -- Matthew 1 5 Salmon maded Boaz, Boaz maded Obed wit Ruth, Obed maded Jesse -- Matthew 1 6 and Jesse maded King David teh king. King David teh king maded Solomon wit sum chick that used to made peoples wit Uriah. Lol, Uriah got pwned. -- Matthew 1 7 Solomon maded Rehoboam, Rehoboam maded Abijah and Abijah maded Asa. -- Matthew 1 8 Asa maded Jehoshaphat, and he maded Jehoram and Jehoram maded Uzziah. -- Matthew 1 9 Uzziah maded Jotham, Jotham maded Ahaz and Ahaz maded Hezekiah. -- Matthew 1 10 Hezekiah maded Manasseh, Manasseh maded Amon and Amon maded Josiah. -- Matthew 1 11 Josiah maded Jeconiah and hiz bros, was bout when they was carryeded to Babblylon. -- Matthew 1 12 And after they was in Babblylon Jeconiah maded Shealtiel, and Shealtiel maded Zerubbabel -- Matthew 1 13 Zerubbabel maded Abiud, Abiud maded Eliakim and Eliakim maded Azor. -- Matthew 1 14 Azor maded Zadok, Zadok maded Akim and Akim maded Eliud. -- Matthew 1 15 Eliud maded Eleazar, Eleazar maded Matthan and Matthan maded Jacob. -- Matthew 1 16 And Jacob maded Joseph. Joseph was teh mister of Mary, and she maded Jesus, who gets called Christ, liek all teh time. Srsly. -- Matthew 1 17 So all teh genenerayshuns from Abraham to David am 14 genenerayshuns, frm David to gettin lockeded up in Babblylon am 14 genenerayshuns, and frm gettin lockeded up in Babblylon to teh Christ am 14 genenerayshuns. Srsly. -- Matthew 1 18 Now, teh burth of teh Christ was liek dis: After Marry and Joseph waz all "We's gonna get marrieded, kthnx", but before dey could had hankiez pankiez Mary was all pr3ggerz from Teh Forse. -- Matthew 1 19 Joseph was liek "I has virjn - NOOOO dey be stealin my virjn! Must hied hur". -- Matthew 1 20 But when he was tihnkin, zomg, a WallCat frm Ceiling Cat was liek, "Oh hai! I'm in ur dreemz, givin u messij. Don't be scairdy cat. Take Mary as ur wife - is virjn. But teh Forse is strong in tihs wun, lol! HoverCat is on hur, givn hur feetus, srsly. -- Matthew 1 21 "And she gonna made a son, and you gonna call him Jeezus, cuz he save kittehs frum bein bad kittehs. Kthxbye." -- Matthew 1 22 So all dis was all did cuz Ceiling Cat had sed it wud be. His proffet was all liek: -- Matthew 1 23 "Hay guise, look! teh virjn iz all preggers, and dey gonna call him Immanuel", dat be joospeek for "Ceiling Cat wit us" -- Matthew 1 24 Then Joseph waked up, done wat teh angel frm Ceiling Cat tolded him to, and was all liek "U wit me now lol" at Mary. -- Matthew 1 25 And dey didnt has teh HARBL GOES WHERE!?!? til affer dey gets a son and calleded him Jeezus. Ktnx. -- Matthew 1 1 Nao, when Jesus was borned in teh dayz when Herod teh king wuz rockin the casbah, hai look, dere sum waiz doodz comin frm teh Eats into Jerusalem -- Matthew 2 2 n dey wuz all leik “rawr! we iz waiz d00ds from teh Eats! Lol but srsly wear iz teh new leet king j00 dat got borned? In teh eats we wuz in nait timez and omg der wuz dis star in a invisible plane n it saied to us ‘go to Jerusalem n find leet king j00 that got borned, but do not eated him jus be like hey leet king j00 you pwn srsly. k?’ so ya wer is he?” -- Matthew 2 3 king herod (teh n00b king) was camping like a n00b near der, n when he heared this he wuz liek “omfg hez in mah empaire, steelin ma gloriez (an mai cookiez wtf)?!??! n all d pplz in Jerusalem wuz leik “hey yea wtf?!” -- Matthew 2 4 So he got all d pplz who are has teh smartz, ne he sayed “sry im n00b but lol srsly wer doez jesus spawn?” -- Matthew 2 5 N dey sed to him “lol.. d00d, obviusly jesus spawns in beetleham, ceiling cat saied to sum guy wun time “oi rait dis down n stuff” n he rited: -- Matthew 2 6 “dw beetleham, u r not teh fail, cuz from u iz gunna come dis leet d00d who cn pwn evry1 n is haz cookiez. Hez gunna save teh ppl of Israel n whatnot.” -- Matthew 2 7 Den king herod was liek kk, n he aksed teh waiz d00ds “u know wen it wuz nait timez n dat star saied stuff 2 u, wen waz dat happen?” n teh waiz d00ds wuz like “lol wut?” -- Matthew 2 8 So king herod sed “omg dw, juz go too beetleham n look for teh new king j00 n wen u find him IM me coz I wanna sai to him how much he pwnz. (har har har I are smartz…)” -- Matthew 2 9 After dat dey wuz on der way n teh star in a invisible plane waz fast. Srsly. n it wuz liek “hai2u! good job d00ds! btw teh king j00 is over here my plane is pointing 2 wer he iz, k?” -- Matthew 2 10 Teh wiez d00ds wuz leik “kthx we cn see wer he iz now!” n wuz happi n stuff. -- Matthew 2 11 Dey goed dere n seed ickle kid jesus n mary who wuz are who bornded him. n dey were liek “d00d u r teh new king u pwn srsly! lol u are so leet! omfg < ltrly! Btw we bringd u sum cheezburgrs n munniez n faierwerks n stuff u can has dem if u want.” -- Matthew 2 12 After dat dey waz about to IM king herod den wun of dem sayd “o, actuly, I hasd a dream at nait timez n ceiling cat wuz like “hey sup d00d.” n I wuz liek “nm, u?” n he wuz like “nm but d00d get dis, king herod r liez tbh. He iz lookin for jesus so he cn pwn him wtf!!!?” Den I woke up bt srsly ceiling cat sed dat.” So teh other waiz d00ds saied “o wtf, I haet dat n00b king herod wtf is hiz problem” n dey all goed bak to der home in d eats bi a moar differnt way. -- Matthew 2 13 And wen dey were gone teh angel of teh Ceiling Cat appeareded to Joe and sayed "Hai, get up nao, and taek ickle kid and his mom into Eejippt, and stay dere till I sez, cos Herod is lukin for teh ickle kid and he's gonna pwn him!" -- Matthew 2 14 And he got up and taeked ickle kid and his mom into Eejippt at nite: -- Matthew 2 15 and stayed dere till Herod was "lol *dead*", so ting wud be liek teh profet sayed wen he sayed "Out of Eejippt I done called mah son" -- Matthew 2 16 Den Herod, wen he saw teh wies men was lollin at him, was rlly pissed, so he went out and pwned all teh ickle kiddes dat was in Bettlyhem, and teh beaches round dere, dat was under 2, cuz teh ickle kid he waanted to pwn was dat age. -- Matthew 2 17 Dat was teh way teh profet Jeremiah sayed -- Matthew 2 18 In Ramah dere was a voice herd, lamentatin and weepin and great mournin, Rachel weepin for her ickle kiddies, and wud not be comforted, cuz dey are not -- Matthew 2 19 But wen Herod was "lol *dead*", and angel frm Ceiling Cat came to Joeseph in a dream -- Matthew 2 20 sayin "Hai, j00 can go home nao, Herod am dead, lol" -- Matthew 2 21 And he went home to Izrael wit teh ickle kid and his mom. -- Matthew 2 22 But wen he herd dat Archela'us was king nao afer his dad Herod, he was fraid to go dere; and Ceiling Cat warned him in a dream, he went to Gallalee instead: -- Matthew 2 23 and he moved into Nazareth, so teh profets wud be rite wen dey sed "Ppl gonna call him a Nazarene" -- Matthew 2 1 In dem dayz caem John Teh Baptizt, preachin in teh wilderness of Judea, -- Matthew 3 2 And sayin "ZOMG, Kingdom Of Heven am at hand! Repent! -- Matthew 3 3 For dis is he dat teh profet Esaias was speekin of, sayin Teh voice of teh one cryin in teh wilderness, Prepare teh way of teh Lord guise, make his pats strayt. -- Matthew 3 4 And teh saem John was wearin camul hair and a leather girdle round his harbls; and he eated bugs and hunny. -- Matthew 3 5 Den he went out to Jerusalem, and all Judea and all teh region round Jordan -- Matthew 3 6 And he baptized ppls in teh Jordan, and dey confezzed dere sins -- Matthew 3 7 But wen he saw teh Fairy-sees and Saddu-sees com to his baptizm, he sayed "J00 viperz, who warned j00 to flea teh wrath that am comin? -- Matthew 3 8 Gimmeh derefore teh fruitz for te repentense. -- Matthew 3 9 And dont tink dat j00 has Abraham as j00r dad, cuz Ceiling Cat cud maek dese stones into kiddies of Abraham -- Matthew 3 10 And now teh axe pwns teh rute of teh tree, and all teh trees dat dont make leet fruitz get pwnd and burninated -- Matthew 3 11 For srsly, I baptize ppls wit water, but teh next gai dat comin, and he so leet I cant even has his shoos: he gonna baptize ppls wit fire and teh Holey Ghostie! -- Matthew 3 12 He gonna get all teh weet and put it in teh weet house, and he gonna burninate teh chaff with teh leet fire of pwnage! -- Matthew 3 13 Den Jesus caem from Gallalee, to has baptizm from John -- Matthew 3 14 But John was all "Ur doin it rong, j00 needz to baptize me" -- Matthew 3 15 And Jesus answered sayin "STFU and baptize me n00b" and John did. -- Matthew 3 16 Wen he was baptized he gtfo of teh water and, ZOMG, teh ceilinz opened up and teh Spirit of Ceiling Cat caem down liek a duv and landeded on him -- Matthew 3 17 And, ZOMFGWTF, a voice from heven sayed "Hai guise, dis my son, and I tink he teh leet" -- Matthew 3 1 So Jesus taiked hisself 2 teh desert to hang with teh Saitan, so Saitan cud tri 2 pwn him -- Matthew 4 2 N he et no cheezburgrz or cookies, even, fr 40 dayz n nites, srsly! -- Matthew 4 3 Den Saitan wuz der and sed “O hai if ur teh Ceiling Cat’s bebbeh, makes cheezburgrz outta da rocks kthx.” -- Matthew 4 4 t Jesus sed “Cheezburgrz am not da best, Ceiling Cat’s wurdz am best,” even tho he rly laikd cheezburgrz, laik, srsly. -- Matthew 4 5 Saitan wuz nt pwned, an tuk Jesus 2 teh tmple ruf. -- Matthew 4 6 sed, “if ur teh Ceiling Cat’s bebbeh, jump off and angelez will cotch u kthx.” -- Matthew 4 7 Jesus sed it wuz not cool 2 try 2 pwn Ceiling Cat. -- Matthew 4 8 Saitan tuk Jesus in ur mountain, sittin on ur summit, n showed Jesus all teh orsumness of teh wrld, srsly. -- Matthew 4 9 N sed, “All da base r belong 2 u if u am mai BFF, kthx.” -- Matthew 4 10 But Jesus sed, “STFU Saitan, R U DUM? Ceiling Cat am mai BFF cuz he am teh 1337!” -- Matthew 4 11 Den Saitan wuz pwnd, n angelez cam frm Ceiling Cat an gave Jesus all teh cheezburgrz an cookiez an brushded his fir. -- Matthew 4 12 Wen Jesus founded out dat John wuz in prison he made tracks fr Galile -- Matthew 4 13 An staid in Capernaum at teh c-side bt he dint tak his bukkit an spayd. -- Matthew 4 14 Cuz teh wize Esaias sed -- Matthew 4 15 “In all teh base, laik Zabulon n Nepthalim n teh c n Jordan (yeh even KT Prys) n Galilee. -- Matthew 4 16 Jesus will turn on teh liteswitch fr teh kittenz dat iz sittin in teh dark." -- Matthew 4 17 Dat iz wen Jesus strted 2 tell teh kittenz, “repent cuz teh kngdom of heaven am at hand btw.” -- Matthew 4 18 Den Jesus bumpded into 2 broz hoo wuz fisherzmen n wuz called Simon AKA Peter n Andrew AKA Lil’ Bro -- Matthew 4 19 N Jesus sed, “Comes wit me n u can b manfisherz.” -- Matthew 4 20 N cuz Jesus am teh 1337, dey wuz laik, “kthx.” -- Matthew 4 21 N den Jesus met James n John, hoo wuz chillin on a bote wit dair pops, hoo wuz Zebedee frm teh Magic Roundabout. -- Matthew 4 22 N dey also went wit Jesus. -- Matthew 4 23 Jesus tuk hs crew roun Galilee, teechin in teh tmples n preechin teh gospel n heelin teh sick. -- Matthew 4 24 N Syria herd all bout his 1337ness an brot all der sick 2, laik teh crzy 1s n teh 1s dat Saitan had fiddlded wit, n Jesus heeled dem 2. -- Matthew 4 25 An laik meellions an meellions of d00dz followed Jesus frm all ovr teh wrld. -- Matthew 4 1 wen he seez lotz kittehz, he climbz tree. His BFz climbz tree too. -- Matthew 5 2 he sez: -- Matthew 5 3 cheezburgrz 4 kittehz wiv no cookies on tehy inside; tehy can has Ceiling. -- Matthew 5 4 cheezburgrz 4 sad kittehz; tehy can has petting. -- Matthew 5 5 cheezburgrz 4 kittehz taht not want pwn otehr kittehz; they can has urths when otehr kittehz is daid. -- Matthew 5 6 cheezburgrz 4 kittehz taht is liek "can i has good?"; an cookies 2. -- Matthew 5 7 cheezburgrz 4 kittehz taht no pwn otehr kittehz; Ceiling Cat no pwn tehm. -- Matthew 5 8 cheezburgrz 4 kittehz taht has bath on they inside; Ceiling Cat no invisble 4 tehm. -- Matthew 5 9 cheezburgrz 4 cheezmakrs; Ceiling Cat is liek "u mi kittehz." -- Matthew 5 10 cheezburgrz 4 kittehz taht iz pwned by otehr kittehz coz tehy iz good; tehy can has Ceiling. -- Matthew 5 11 cheezburgrz 4 kittehz taht iz pwned by otehr kittehz coz of me. -- Matthew 5 12 b happy. u can has cookie in Ceiling, cos itz liek wen kittehz pwned Ceiling Catz kittehz. -- Matthew 5 13 u r teh cheezburgerz. if cheezburgerz haz no cheez, taste bad. trashcat can has it. -- Matthew 5 14 u r teh meme of teh internet. lolcat pic online iz not invizible. -- Matthew 5 15 emos dont frendslock lj posts. tehy post public 4 all teh internetz. -- Matthew 5 16 u 2 post lolcat pic online so internetz is liek "OMG! ur so k00l! Ceiling Cat rockz!" -- Matthew 5 17 dont break law. im in ur earth fulfilling ur prophecy -- Matthew 5 18 iz all true. srsly. law iz not deleted -- Matthew 5 19 if u break law, no can has cheezburger. if u teach law, can has lotz cookiez -- Matthew 5 20 u b good kittehz or Ceiling Cat is liek "bad kittehz! u can not has mi pad!" -- Matthew 5 21 u kno if u pwnz0rz, Ceiling Cat is liek "wtf? bad kittehz!" -- Matthew 5 22 but if u is liek "u n00b!", uz betr off in trashcan, srsly. -- Matthew 5 23 if u has gift 4 Ceiling Cat An u has pwned ur brother -- Matthew 5 24 ur brother can has hugs b4 u give gift 2 Ceiling Cat -- Matthew 5 25 lawyers screw u. settle out of court. srsly -- Matthew 5 26 or they take all ur $$. iz all true. srsly. -- Matthew 5 27 Ceiling Cat iz liek "no buttsecks!!1!1 bad kittehz!" -- Matthew 5 28 but im liek "wtf? im in ur brain, watching u think about it" -- Matthew 5 29 if ur eye sins, scratch it out with ur claws, or uz betr off in trashcan, srsly. -- Matthew 5 30 if ur paw sins, bite it off, or uz betr off in trashcan, srsly. -- Matthew 5 31 Ceiling Cat iz liek "pay divorce lawyer" -- Matthew 5 32 but im like "divorcee iz slut. uz betr off in trashcan, srsly." -- Matthew 5 33 Ceiling Cat iz liek "dont break oath or i break u!!1!" -- Matthew 5 34 but im like "omgwtf? dont swear by Ceiling Catz pad -- Matthew 5 35 "or by Ceiling Catz paws on floor -- Matthew 5 36 "or by ur fir -- Matthew 5 37 "ya rly:=ya rly; no wai:=no wai. else evil kitteh." -- Matthew 5 38 Ceiling Cat iz liek "i 4 i, fnag 4 fang" -- Matthew 5 39 but im liek if bad kittehz spank u, turn otehr cheek -- Matthew 5 40 if bad kittehz take ur fir, give ur tail 2 -- Matthew 5 41 if dogs chase u 1 mile, run 2 -- Matthew 5 42 if u makes a cookie 4 some1, doe not eated it -- Matthew 5 43 Ceiling Cat iz liek "wuv ur BFFz, hate bad kittehz" -- Matthew 5 44 but im liek "wuv bad kittehz 2" -- Matthew 5 45 u r all Ceiling Catz kittenz. Sun shines on good kittehz and bad. Also rain:-( -- Matthew 5 46 if u wuv only ur BFFs, u can not has cheezburger. even teh taxman do taht shit. -- Matthew 5 47 if u iz liek "oh hai" 2 only ur BFFs, wtf? only n00bz do taht. -- Matthew 5 48 b k00l liek Ceiling Cat -- Matthew 5 1 Ceiling Cat is watching you prostrate. pls to be prostrate wif prvcy, kthx. -- Matthew 6 2 so when da ice cream man comes and humans are all leik give me a monie, no big deal k? -- Matthew 6 3 is sekrit. -- Matthew 6 4 Ceiling Cat is watching you compensate. -- Matthew 6 5 so j00 be all leik MCHammertime and pray jus 2 make it 2day and stuff. -- Matthew 6 6 Ceiling Cat is watching you prostrate but u donut no he is tho. -- Matthew 6 7 ur pray shood not be made of fail. -- Matthew 6 8 Ceiling Cat knows what u donut hate. -- Matthew 6 9 u pray leik dis:Ceiling Cat is so great. -- Matthew 6 10 Cieling Cat can has the ceiling and da flur. -- Matthew 6 11 I can has bred. -- Matthew 6 12 i r sry n so r u. -- Matthew 6 13 temptashuns will be all leik LOL we r leet but they lieded. rly. Foosball is teh debil. Ceiling Cat pwns all. He pwns teh ceiling and flur and walls too. Amen. -- Matthew 6 14 if u sais sry Ceiling Cat will be leik s'ok iz kewl. -- Matthew 6 15 if u donut sez sry Ceiling Cat will pwn u. -- Matthew 6 16 if you want cheezburger plz to not be cryin. U can has invisible cheezeburger. -- Matthew 6 17 if you want cheezeburger but can't has, get ur hair did. -- Matthew 6 18 Ceiling Cat is watching you abstinate. -- Matthew 6 19 donut hoard all ur monies. They be stealin ur monies! -- Matthew 6 20 Hide da monies in da Ceiling. Ceiling Cat is watching you depos-ate. -- Matthew 6 21 Ur moneies be safe wif Ceiling Cat. -- Matthew 6 22 if u can hear thru ur eyez you will be momentarily blinded and stuff. -- Matthew 6 23 if ur eyez donut hear lazerz not to be helpings. Iz dark and skurry and stuffs. -- Matthew 6 1 "If u juj u wil be jujded. So don't. -- Matthew 7 2 Bcz u will be jujded teh saem az u jujded teh othr d00d. -- Matthew 7 3 Teh sawdust iz in ur brothrz i, makin u confused. Why u caer so much when u gotz a board in ur eye LOL? -- Matthew 7 4 Why u sez "O hai takin teh sawdust out of ur eye"? U gotz board in ur eye! -- Matthew 7 5 Taek teh board out of ur eye furst dumass. Den taek teh dust out of ur brotherz eye aftr dat. Duh. -- Matthew 7 6 Dont giff holi thingz to dogz. Dont give pearlz to pigz. Dey just taer dem up n then taer u up too. -- Matthew 7 7 Ask n u will get it. Look n u will find it. Knock n teh door will opin. Or maybi Ceiling Cat putz in cat flap. -- Matthew 7 8 Evribodi who asks getz. Evribodi who lookz findz, Evribodi who knocks getz to go in. -- Matthew 7 9 If ur kitteh asks u for cat fued, duz u giffs him a rock LOL? -- Matthew 7 10 Or he wantzes a fish n u giffs him a snaek? LOLOL -- Matthew 7 11 See, u iz evil, but u giffs ur kittehz good gifts. Well Ceiling Cat iz evin bettr dan u n giffs bettr gifts! -- Matthew 7 12 So alwaiz treet othrz liek u want dem to treet u. Dat sumz it all up. -- Matthew 7 13 Come in thru teh litl door. Teh door to destrucshn is big. Lotz of peeplz goes thru. -- Matthew 7 14 But teh door to lief is small. Moast peeplz dont find it. -- Matthew 7 15 Look out for peeplz who tellz teh fyoochur but duz it rong. Dey wair tech clothez of sheepz but dey is wolvz insied. Bad wolvz. -- Matthew 7 16 U know what dey iz by dey frootz. I bet u didn know wolvz had frootz. -- Matthew 7 17 Good treez haz good frootz. Bad treez haz bad frootz. -- Matthew 7 18 Evri tree wif bad frootz will be cutted down an throwed in teh fier. -- Matthew 7 19 Liek I sez, look at teh frootz. -- Matthew 7 20 Sum peeplz who sez "O hai Lord" to me will not go to heavn. Just teh peeplz who duz what Ceiling Cat wantz get to go. -- Matthew 7 21 When teh tiem comez lotz of peeplz will be all "O hai, we tellded teh fyoochr n chaseded awai demnz n gived cheezburgr in ur name." -- Matthew 7 22 I will sai 'I never knew u LOL. Go awai!' -- Matthew 7 23 If u heer me n do whut I tellz u, u iz liek teh smart d00d who builded his house on teh rock. -- Matthew 7 24 It rainded n flooded n it wuz windi. But teh house did not fall down bcz of teh rock. -- Matthew 7 25 But if u heer me n duzn do whut I tellz u, u iz liek teh dumass who builded his house on teh sand. -- Matthew 7 26 It rainded n flooded in it wuz windi. N his house falled down LOL." -- Matthew 7 27 Evribodi wuz impressed wif Jesus for sayin all dis. -- Matthew 7 28 everyone was all amazdz0rz and bowed tehre heds -- Matthew 7 29 Bcz he wuz cooler than teh law teechrs. -- Matthew 7 1 he liek com from teh motans wit ppl -- Matthew 8 2 lepor waz liek "k fix me plz"!!!! -- Matthew 8 3 jesus waz liek "kthx n fixed him" lol -- Matthew 8 4 "but liek keep it secret kthxbye" n he gtg -- Matthew 8 5 When Jesus enterd Capernawn, he wuz alred gettin buggd lol! -- Matthew 8 6 He ses "Jesos me slav0rz is dyinz!" -- Matthew 8 7 Jesus ses "I can has fix" -- Matthew 8 8 He ses "Jesos u iz too pwnage, donts deserv u" -- Matthew 8 9 "I iz pwnage maself, I ses go n dey go. I say comez n dey comez. I ses to slav0rz get me cooky he den gets me cooky" -- Matthew 8 10 Jesos was liek "0mG no wAyS!!!! U hav mor fayf thn ppl of isrel!" -- Matthew 8 11 "Pplz will com 4rm est n wst n will cmes 2 feast wit abrahaam, Isac n Jake in da kingdom ov ceiling" -- Matthew 8 12 "Bt pplz will b kickd into dark lol wher ppl wil cry witout cheezburger" -- Matthew 8 13 Jesos then ses "U gtg I go fix ppl" n he did. -- Matthew 8 14 Jesus wentz to Peterz n iz mudda in law was dyingz -- Matthew 8 15 He tooched er n he gots it insted lol so she gave him cooky n lukd after him -- Matthew 8 16 Nite time ppl posesd cames to Jesus n he told off demonz n dey left n he tuk ther illneses -- Matthew 8 17 He wuz listenin to Isaiah: "He tuk ma poolyness, n cary ma disees" -- Matthew 8 18 Jesus seed a krowd comin n sed, "OMG! We go to ova sid ov lake kwik, k?" -- Matthew 8 19 Lawyer cat apeerz n sez: "O hai, teechur cat! I can followz u?" -- Matthew 8 20 Jesus sez: "Doggehs haz sofas, burdiez haz nests, but see? Invisible bed 4 meh!" -- Matthew 8 21 Otha dissypel cat sez: "I can followz you! But I can clean meh litter box first, k?" -- Matthew 8 22 But Jesus sez: "U let ur p00p cleanz itself." -- Matthew 8 23 Wen Jesus wuz in a b0at wit his dissypels, -- Matthew 8 24 A drunk wild st0rm came and started pwning teh b0at. Jesus wuz getting sum Z's, -- Matthew 8 25 so his dissypels woke him up, and were all like, "D00d, teh ship is sinking! We r goin 2 get wet, DO NOT WANT!!!" -- Matthew 8 27 Teh men in teh boat wer all like, "Wtf wuz taht? He's totaly 133t." -- Matthew 8 28 Jesus finally reached land, so he eated a cooky Ceiling Cat had maded him. He walked down a road to Gadara, and two mens wif demons in them jumped in front of him. And they wer tuff cuz they pwnd evry1. -- Matthew 8 29 Then they shouted, "Jesus, almighy 133t, wat do you want with us?! Have you come to totally own us?" -- Matthew 8 30 And there wer sum piggys eatin. -- Matthew 8 31 So teh demons sai, "If yu must pwn us, plz put us in teh piggys!" -- Matthew 8 32 Jesus tolded them to begone, an teh demons tookded over teh piggys. Teh piggys then became suicidal an jumped in teh lake. -- Matthew 8 33 Teh pplz watchin teh piggys cud not keep ther mouths shut, and tolded evry1 wat Jesus did. -- Matthew 8 34 An all teh pplz wer scared ov Jesus, so they maded him leeve without his cheezeburgers. -- Matthew 8 1 Then teh disples asked Jesus: "Who is da gr8test in teh Howse in Ceiling?" -- Matthew 18 2 Jesus told a kitteh "u, stand wit mai disiplies", -- Matthew 18 3 and Jesus told teh disipels: "YA RLY, I is telling u, if u not become nice like tiny kitties here, u nevar gets into Howse in Ceiling. -- Matthew 18 4 If u is humbel like little kitteh here, u is gr8test in Howse in Ceiling. -- Matthew 18 5 And if ne1 axepts an welcoms kittehs like dis in My Naem, den dey also axepts an welcoms Me, and dey can has cheezburger. -- Matthew 18 6 But if ne1 makes a littel kitteh to make an invisible error, dey no can haz cheezburger, 'cos making little kitteh make invisible errors iz worse than falling into bathtub. Deep bathtub, with claws stuck in scratchpost! -- Matthew 18 7 Oh noes to wurld for errors! Errors happens, true dat, but oh noes on teh cat what makes teh errors. -- Matthew 18 8 Iffen ur paw cauzez u to make invisible errors, u cuts it off if u knoes wats best 4 u. 4 having lief 4 ever witout a paw, iz better than having all 4 pawz and burning in fier 4 ever. -- Matthew 18 9 And if ur eye cauzez u to make invisible errors, claw it out and frow it away. 'Cos havin life wit one eye is bettar den havin two eyez and going 2 teh Hell Fire. -- Matthew 18 10 B keerfle not 2 haet teh little kittehs. Cos teh little kittehs has hovr d00ds what alweys sees teh face of my Daddy in Ceiling. -- Matthew 18 11 Cos teh [untranslated: Son of Man] came to save lost stuffs. -- Matthew 18 12 What does u think? If a cat has a hunnerd sheeps, an loses 1, duznt he leaves teh ohter 99 in house, and goes look 4 teh lost 1? -- Matthew 18 13 An if he finds it, ya rly, I sez it, he iz happier for teh 1 he founded den for teh 99 what stayded hoem. -- Matthew 18 14 Just liek dat, our Daddy in Ceiling wants 2 saev every singel one of teh kittehs. -- Matthew 18 15 If ur bruther makes invisible error at u, go 2 him in sekrit, and tell him "u did wrong" so no1 els hearz it. If he listens, u can haz a bruther again. -- Matthew 18 16 If he no listen, u gets a few witnisis, and bring witnessis wit u, to maek him listen. -- Matthew 18 17 An if he still no listen, u tells it to all of church! But if he no listen 2 church, u nots enymoar treat him liek bruther. Treat him liek bad cat from teh house across teh road, or liek a cat that is in ur house, drinking ur milk. -- Matthew 18 18 YA RLY, what you messes into a ball of string here on urths, it still be tied up in string in Ceiling. And if you sets sumthing lose on urths, it be free in Ceiling. -- Matthew 18 19 I sez it agin: If two of you cats on urths agree to ask for sumthings, then Ceiling Cat, who is my daddy in Ceiling, he does it. -- Matthew 18 20 Cos if 2 or 3 of you are 2gether and u sez My Naem, I iz with u. Srsly." -- Matthew 18 21 Peter had kwestshun. He said to teh Lord: "How many tiems do I 4give my bruther if he makes invisible error at me? Seven tiems?" -- Matthew 18 22 Jesus sed to Peter: "No wai, I did not say 7 times. U must forgive ur bruther's invisible error over nine thousand times! -- Matthew 18 23 So teh Howse in Ceiling is liek a king who wanted all dets made fixed wit the cats working for him. -- Matthew 18 24 Kingcat did so and found Workercat what wuz supposed to pay him over nine thousand munney. -- Matthew 18 25 But Workercat no had nine thousand munney. So Kingcat said "Taek his cheezburger away, and sell it so I can haz munney." -- Matthew 18 26 Workercat was very sad and said: "No wai, plz! I can haz moar time, and I pays u ur munney, promise!" -- Matthew 18 27 So teh Kingcat was a nice cat and maded teh debt go away. -- Matthew 18 28 But Workercat found anuther cat what had a det of a few munnies to Workercat. (Not many.) Workercat wuz angry at Othercat and said "U pays me or els!" -- Matthew 18 29 So Othercat was very sad and said: "No wai, plz! I can haz moar time, and I pays u ur munney, promise!" -- Matthew 18 30 But Workercat no gived Othercat moar time. He maded Othercat get locked in box until he payded. -- Matthew 18 31 Lots of cats wer looking an saw whut Workercat did. Teh Lookingcats wuz sad and tolded Kingcat whut happened. -- Matthew 18 32 Kingcat made frowny face at Workercat and sed: "Srsly, d00d, u iz bad cat. I maded ur debt go away cos u was sad. -- Matthew 18 33 Y u not maded Othercat's det go away when he wuz sad?" -- Matthew 18 34 An Kingcat was not happy, and maded Othercat's det un-go away, and said to Torchurcat: "You can scratch Othercat until he gives me teh munneys he owed." -- Matthew 18 35 (Jesus talking again) "An mah Daddy in Ceiling, he does same 2 u if u not 4give ur bruther his invisible errors." -- Matthew 18 1 An den Jeezus got intuh Bethphage clos ta Jerusalem. Dey werz on a heepz ov salty grapz. Den hee sed go to too kitty jeezezes. -- Matthew 21 2 He dun toldzem. Goto dem hutz and fine some ass and a fillee; bring herz to me. -- Matthew 21 3 An if deez gize giv yuh guff. Yo meau. Baybee-Ceiling-Cat Jeebas wantz em. Hee wilz shutz up den. -- Matthew 21 4 It allz happenz lik hee sed. Lik hee haz seez duh fyoocher an sez so. -- Matthew 21 1 K, I just telz u this, but I telz u agin. Ceiling Cat haz son name Jesus Christ. This hiz stori: -- Mark 1 2 Wise catz sed, Ceiling Cat send wai smrt d00d. -- Mark 1 3 He make thingz redy 4 Jesus. -- Mark 1 4 Hiz name John. He wantz us to dunk in water. (wtf? iz he srs?) -- Mark 1 5 Catz let him do thiz crzy thing though. They dunk in water. Srsly -- Mark 1 6 John wearz crzy clothez and eatz bugz (I guess he no haz cheezburgr) -- Mark 1 7 He sez, "New cat come, he's wai better thn me -- Mark 1 8 I torturz u with waterz but he givz u Hover Cat. Srsly. -- Mark 1 9 So Jesus, he come to John like John sez. John torturz Jesus with waterz. -- Mark 1 10 Ceiling Cat sends Spirit of teh Ceiling Cat. -- Mark 1 11 Ceiling Cat sez "This mai Son. I'ze happy." -- Mark 1 12 Then teh Spirit sends him 2 wild. -- Mark 1 13 An he was en wilderness long tyme (srsly, 40 dais!). An Saitan wuz offering many evilz cheezburgrz an catnipz to him. An he wuz wit teh sqirrelz, an angelz were giving him srsly betur cheezburgrz an brushd hiz fur. -- Mark 1 14 Aftr John wuz arrestid (LOLPWND!!!1), Jesus came into Galilee, tellin all teh kittinz about teh good newz of teh Ceiling Cat, -- Mark 1 15 an he sayd, "Eetz tyme, kittenz! Ceiling Cat'z kingdim is here! Turn from yur eevil wayz an believe in teh good newz!" -- Mark 1 16 An he walkz by Sea uf Galllillllelleelllee n he seez Simon n Andrew and dey iz fishing with nets, cuz thats what they does -- Mark 1 17 An Jesus sez "Cum with me and troll for d00dz!" -- Mark 1 18 An they did. -- Mark 1 19 An He went along n sees James n John who was kidz ov Zebedde. An they are hax0ring da netz n stuff in a boat. -- Mark 1 20 An He called them up and they came 2 n left their dad an his d00dz back at the boat. -- Mark 1 21 An they all went to Capernaum an He went 2 teh jewish church n started talking. -- Mark 1 22 An they were all like, "wtf is this d00dz stuff?" Cuz He was all like "Hai! Lissen up to mee! -- Mark 1 1 An he went to Capernum agn an they were all like, "Jesus is in da house!!11!!" -- Mark 2 2 An they was all packed in tight. An Jesus wuz talkin. -- Mark 2 3 An 4 d00dz brought some d00d with, like, no hit points and was twitching n stuff. -- Mark 2 4 An it was all packed an they busted in through the roof. Oh NOES!!11!! Ceiling Cripple is watching you preach! -- Mark 2 5 An Jesus saw them an Ceiling Cripple an sed, "Hai d00d! No more sinz!" -- Mark 2 6 But some scribez wuz there an they wuz all scribey. -- Mark 2 7 An they were all like, "wtf? U cant say that. Only Ceiling Cat can say 'No more sinz.'" -- Mark 2 8 An Jesus knew they wuz bein all scribey and he sez, "Why for 4 B so scribey?" -- Mark 2 9 "I can sez 'No more sinz' or I can sez 'Get up!' just as EZ." -- Mark 2 10 An He sez to the crippled d00d, "I haz da power on earth to say 'No more sinz!'" -- Mark 2 11 "So get up n get outta here!" -- Mark 2 12 An the d00d got up an took off an he was all like, "Yay! No more cripple!" An everybody was all like, "wtf! Hurray for Ceiling Cat!" -- Mark 2 1 An so Jesus goed in teh church an a kitteh wuz there an teh kitteh haz difectiv pawz! -- Mark 3 2 An every1 wacht him to see if he wud pwn on caturday cuz kittehs r suposed to haz teh sleepz on caturday an every1 in teh church want to no if Jesus wud brake hiz own rulez. -- Mark 3 3 An so he sed to teh difectiv kitteh "i no ur paw hurtz, lolz, but get over to me newayz." -- Mark 3 4 An then Jesus sed "Hay guise, y do u think itz beter to do no w0rkz and leeve this kitteh to hurt thn to do teh w0rkz and mak this kitteh not b ded?" An the guise in church, they sed nothingz. -- Mark 3 5 An so Jesus was mad at teh guise and wanted to pwn them cuz they were actin like n00bs but then Jesus sed to teh hurt kitteh "Hay, giv ur paw to me plz" an teh hurt kitteh did it an then hiz paw waznt difective no morez! -- Mark 3 6 An then those guise left frm teh church an tawked to teh other bad guise and were all lyke "omgwtf, jesus needz 2 b pwned." -- Mark 3 7 But Jesus, hes no n00b, he already took hiz frendz an went to teh oshun an all teh good kittehs frm Galilee an Judaea -- Mark 3 8 an Jeroosalum an Idumaea an Jordan an Tyre and Sidon an outer space, they ALL were like "OMG! Jesus pwns so much, srsly! We haz to go and pwn with Jesus!" -- Mark 3 9 An so Jesus sed "Hay guise, I haz to go on a boat now cuz these other guise r nice nice kittehs an all but there r too many of themz an i need a getaway car, lolz." -- Mark 3 10 Cuz Jesus had pwned all over teh place an he pwned so much that all teh kittehs want to tuch Jesus and all these kittehs had teh dizeazez, gross. -- Mark 3 11 An these guise who usd to b bad guise were all falin down cuz mayb tey don no how to walk, these guise were lyke "Jesus, u r son of Ceiling Cat!" -- Mark 3 12 An Jesus waz lyke "Hay guise, stop tellin bout me so loud cuz im tryin to hide, srsly." -- Mark 3 13 An so Jesus was lyke "Im gona clime tis mountain lyke iz nothin an u guise can clime it 2 if i tell u, kthxbai." -- Mark 3 14 An so he said eeny meeny miney moe an picked 12 kittehs to com up an lern all teh thingz an tehn Jesus wuz like "hay thx 4 comin, now go bak down teh big hill an tell evry1 wut i said, kthxbai." -- Mark 3 15 Tehn Jesus sed "Oh hay wate, u guise can pwn a little bit, jus mak teh kittehs wif harebalz feel betr an if u see devilcats, u make them go way, kthxbai." -- Mark 3 16 An he wuz like "Hay Simon, ur new name iz Peter" -- Mark 3 17 An tehn he wuz like hay, this is fun, letz play teh name game, lolz. "James, ur son of Zebedee and John ur bruthur of James so u can hav name of Boanerges an that meens u r teh sunz of THUNDER, b00mz, lol, lyke Thor exept not cuz we don beleeve in those guise." -- Mark 3 18 An he lyked teh name game an kept playin it, sayin "Hay Andrew an Philip and Bartholomew (mew, lolz) an Matthew an Thomas an James--not teh furst James, teh son of Alphaeus--an Thaddeus an Simon--not teh furst Simon, the Canaanite -- Mark 3 19 O an Judas Iscariot, ur the one who acted like a n00b an betraied me tat one tyme but ur still invyted 2 mai howse, kthx." -- Mark 3 20 An Jesus an teh dicyplez, tey had a partee but wuz not a fun partee cuz there wuz too many kittehs an no fud in the fud dish an nobudy cud get 2 teh fudz anyway cuz it was so crowdid. -- Mark 3 21 An all hiz frends, they were lyke "Jesus, srsly, ur lozing ur mind, wtf are u havin a partee 4." -- Mark 3 22 An the scribes, they wer comin frm Jeroosalem an they were like "Jesus, srsly, u gotz teh devilz in u, u betr fix it quick, kthx." -- Mark 3 23 An Jesus was like "Hay guise, srsly, if I haz teh devilz in me how u think I can pwn maiself, r u nuts?" -- Mark 3 24 An Jesus was like "K, srsly agen, if u guise cant agree on if i am a good kitteh or a devil kitteh u cant make a very gud kingdum can u?" -- Mark 3 25 An tehn Jesus wuz like "An srsly yet agen, if all teh kittehs in one howse are lyke hay i want fish and teh other kittehs are lyke no i wan chickenz then their howse cannt stand cuz all teh kittehs will tere it down, srsly, don do taht, kthx." -- Mark 3 26 An then Jesus wuz lyke "An if teh devilz like tryed to pwn himself he wud be ded, lolz." -- Mark 3 27 "An so if ur a good kitteh and a bad kitteh tryes to com to ur hows and pwn you, teh bad kitteh has to tie u up furst cuz thats teh only wai u wud let teh bad bad kitteh pwn ur stuffz." -- Mark 3 28 "An so herez teh thingz, if ur a bad bad kitteh to anothr kitteh an say bad thingz abowt teh kitteh u can stil be frendz wit me an Ceiling Cat, if ur vry vry sry." -- Mark 3 29 "An but if ur lyke a bad bad kitteh an u say teh bad thingz about mai frend teh Hovr Cat (wooooooo, lolz i skared u, skaredy kitteh lolz), if u say teh bad thingz abowt teh Hovr Cat, u will be pwnd and pwnd and pwnd 4EVER, even if u say ur sry, so don be bad to teh Hovr Cat, kthx." -- Mark 3 30 An so all tehze kittehs were lyke hay, srsly, Jesus is loozin it. -- Mark 3 31 An so hiz brutherz an even his mom they cam 2 see Jesus (an u no ur in deep truble when ur mom haz to com talk at u) an they were lyke "Jesus, srsly, wtf is ur problem." -- Mark 3 32 An all teh other kittehs were lyke "Aww, Jesus ur in trubble, ur mom iz here, lolz." -- Mark 3 33 An Jesus wuz lyke "wtf r u guise even sayin to me" -- Mark 3 34 An Jesus was lukin at every1 (which wuz creepy but wat can u do, iz Jesus)and all tryin to see wtf those guise were sayin to him an tehn he sed "omg, srsly, look evry1! My mom an brutherz, they came to mai partee! lolz!" -- Mark 3 35 An jus incas evry1 was not teh unrstand, Jesus sed "if u obay teh Ceiling Cat, iz jus lyke ur my bruther or sistur or even mai mom, lolz. Cuz Ceiling Cat is my dad and ur dad and we r all famlee, lolz, srsly." -- Mark 3 1 An so Jesus luvd teh oshunfront properteez an he wen thar to teech teh guise about thingz an ther were so many guise there that Jesus was like "lolz, too menny guise on teh beech, gtg teech on a boat frm teh oshun, an u guise can lissen frm the beech wich is a pretty sweete deal if u ask me." -- Mark 4 2 An so he toght them teh lessunz but it wuz those lessunz that were akshully about one thingz even tho Jesus sed the otherz an u had to figur it out urself, wich is hard to do, and he sed: -- Mark 4 3 "O hai, so once thar waz a planter gui; -- Mark 4 4 An he wuz plantin hiz gardenz an sum of teh seedz got in teh rong playce an the birdz, they cam to eet teh seedz -- Mark 4 5 An som of teh seedz they got put on teh roks wich is a dum plaice to plant teh seedz cuz thars no dirt there but teh seedz they groo up newayz -- Mark 4 6 An tehn teh sun it came up an teh seedz grone on teh roks, they got pwned bai teh sun cuz sun is too hot 4 teh plantz -- Mark 4 7 An some othur seedz, they got put bai teh plantz with teh skary spiky th0rnz an teh th0rnz sux0rx cuz they sckweeze teh plants to ded and teh plantz make no frootz. -- Mark 4 8 An sum other seedz they got in teh good dirtz an they groo and groo and mayde teh frootz an made like bazilyunz of frootz." -- Mark 4 9 An so Jesus sed "Did u here that guise? Or r u guise def?" -- Mark 4 10 An hiz 12 frends, latr that dai were lyke "O hai Jesus, wtf were you even saying in the boat?" -- Mark 4 11 An Jesus sed "Hay, u guise are sposed to no wat i was talkn about cuz u hav teh mistery solving skillz, ur lyke sherlok homes an stuff, but those othr guise, the ones on teh beech, they don no teh mistery stuffz so they has to lissen to mai storeez and figur it out themsalvez, lolz." -- Mark 4 12 So they can lookz at teh thingz and no wat color those thingz r but not no what it iz an they can here mai wurds and no what teh wurdz r but not get what ahm sayin, but if they r like "o hai Jesus an Ceiling Cat, we r vry sry for bein dum, we can haz halp?" then they can undrstand mai storeez. -- Mark 4 13 An Jesus was like "So guise what ahm sayin is if u don no how to undrstand mai storee about teh planterz then u don know much of nething. So I halpz u guise so u stop bein dum." -- Mark 4 14 "Teh. Planterz. Wuz. Plantin. Mai. An. Ceiling. Cats. Wurdz. -- Mark 4 15 An so teh seedz were rilly mai an Ceiling Cats wurdz an sumtimes teh devilcat, hez lyke teh burdz in teh storee who takes teh stray seedz awai. -- Mark 4 16 An tehn there r teh guise who hav teh stonz 4 grownd and mai w0rdz r sooper cool an they r like "omg, new seedz, these pwn, thx Jesus" -- Mark 4 17 An but these guise r dum as roks and made of roks so they git excytid about mai wordz jus at furst an then as soone as they hav somethin go rong wit them they r all lyke "omg, Jesus, srsly, ur w0rdz sux0rz, they don w0rkz anymoar. thx but nothxbai." -- Mark 4 18 An those seedz that git on teh skary th0rnz, those th0rnz guise here mai w0rdz -- Mark 4 19 An they say "o hai jesus, this is nice but i lykes othur thingz like teh moneyz and teh buttsecks, sry" an mai w0rdz dont w0rkz 4 those guise. -- Mark 4 20 An then there r good guise who r like "O hai Jesus, u pwn alwayz even wehn mai lyfe kinda sux0rz so lemme maike u sum frootz an u can hav it for dinnerz, lolz." -- Mark 4 21 An then Jesus sed "If you haz candel do u put it under a bukkit or under ur bedz? no thats silly, u has to put it on candelstik, rite? -- Mark 4 22 An u cant hide nothin frm me or Celing Cat cuz we seez all ur sekritz an moar, lolz, u no how Celing Cat seez u doin things, rotflolz." -- Mark 4 23 An Jesus was like "O hay guise, I sed for u to lisen" -- Mark 4 24 An Jesus sed "O hai, I hop u were lisenin cuz ur gonna hav a pop kwiz on this l8r this week, srsly. -- Mark 4 25 An if u get a gud grayd, u will git cheezburgz an if u git bad grayds u will git all ur cheezburgz pwned, srsly." -- Mark 4 26 An Jesus sed "So if u wan to b frends wit me an Ceiling Cat, itz jus lyke bein a planterz and plantin seedz; -- Mark 4 27 An sleepin even wehn thares no sun pach to sleez in an gettin up at all tymes of teh dai and seein ur seedz groe and groe even if u don no how they groe. -- Mark 4 28 An u see teh frootz on teh plantz lyke a leaf an sum cormz, like earz of cormz, even tho itz not frootz it groez lyke frootz but neway u no wat I mean." -- Mark 4 29 "Neway wehn they gotz teh frootz or corms or whatevr, they alwayz jus put it in a box at teh harvist tyme!" -- Mark 4 30 An Jesus sed "Letz plai a game, lolz. Pretendz Ceiling House is lyke a seed, wat shud it be?" -- Mark 4 31 An evry1 was lyke "omg, letz make it lyke a wat0rmelonz" or "letz hav it be catnipz, rotflolz." But Jesus sed "Ok, gaime ovr, its a musterd seed." an teh guise were lyke "wtf Jesus, musterds are too smal" and Jesus sed "I no, thats on purpis Im Jesus remembur, u jus lisen to mai w0rdz." -- Mark 4 32 Jesus sed "Wehn musterd seedz groez itz like pwnz0rz!!! Musterd seeds gigant0rz an make big treez an branchiz an all those berdz can be flyin in an undor teh treez an chillin in teh shaydez an stuffz." -- Mark 4 33 An Jesus jus kept tellin teh guise hiz w0rdz an ovr an ovr jus wit difrent storeez an teh guise herd teh storeez. -- Mark 4 34 But Jesus he nevr sed teh w0rdz of hizelf an Ceiling Cat unles it was lyke a storeez cuz teh guise were always lyke "Is it can be plz storeez tyme now plzkthx?" An he alwayz xplaynd teh storeez to teh disyplez l8r so they wud no all teh thingz. -- Mark 4 35 An so when storeeztyme was dun, Jesus was all lyke "Hay guise, letz blow tis popsickle standz, srsly." -- Mark 4 36 An so they were all lyke "Storeez tyme, itz ovr, u guise can go hom now plz kthxbai." An Jesus an teh disyplez got on teh getaway boat an went to teh oshun an there was lots of other boats there too. -- Mark 4 37 An whooooooosh, ther was lots of st0rmz and windz an there wuz waterz in teh boats an evry1 sed "O noes! Kittehs h8 teh waterz! Halp!" -- Mark 4 38 An Jesus, he was jus sleepz on a pilowe, dreemin of corms an wat0rmel0nz an teh guise went an waked him up an sed "Jesus, srsly, we r gonna be ded soon an u don even care?" -- Mark 4 39 An Jesus got up an was like "O hay wind u stop pwning mai boat an oshun u stop pwning mai boat too." An wudnt u no, teh wind an oshun stopd pwning. -- Mark 4 40 An Jesus sed "R u srsly skaredy kittehs? I thot u had fayth in me." -- Mark 4 41 An of corse all teh guise were skaredy kittehs an they were lyke "Ok, srsly, wtf is Jesus even sayin cuz who can make all teh windz and oshuns obay him an not b skary doin it?" -- Mark 4 1 Ther wuz lotsa ppl dere and dei gots no fud 'n stuffz, so Jesus sez everone cum heer, -- Mark 8 2 I feelz sry 4 theez ppl cuz dey been here laik 3 dayz 'n dey got no cookiez. -- Mark 8 3 And if I sez "hai! Go home!", dei prolly die or sumthin, cuz sum o dem r liek frm Mars or sumthin! -- Mark 8 4 But hsi disciples sez "How we gonna get cookiez heer? Dis is teh sticks, d00d!" -- Mark 8 5 And he askd dem: How much cookiez we gots? And dei sez sevn! -- Mark 8 6 So he tellz everon "Sit!" and den breaks da cookiez! Oh no! He sez to give de crumbs to everon. -- Mark 8 7 And dei haz some weed, 2, so dei passez dat around. -- Mark 8 8 So everon has cookiez and gotz hi (Dere mightv been weed in da cookiez, too), and den dei getz wots left over and dere's liek 7 basketz full! -- Mark 8 9 And dat's after liek 4000 pplz ate cookiez and gotz hi, 2! So he sez "Ok, party ovr! Go home!" -- Mark 8 10 Den dei getz on a boat and goez 2 Dalmanutha (srsly, dats wut its called!) -- Mark 8 11 And so sum Pharisees sez ta sho dem sumtn frm da Ceiling Cat. -- Mark 8 12 And Jesus sez "I dont gotta sho yu nuttin!" -- Mark 8 13 So he getz on da boat again cuz he's all pissd off noe. -- Mark 8 14 His disciples fergot ta bring cookiez, and dei gotz only 1 cookie left! -- Mark 8 15 And Jesus sez "Don't touch da Pharisees weed or Herods weed." -- Mark 8 16 And dei getz confuzd and tinks its cuz dei forgetz da cookiez. -- Mark 8 1 Az he went out of the temple, one ov hiz d00dz sayd, JC, l00k at teh fancy buildinz! -- Mark 13 2 N Jesus sayd unto him, They r gonna get smashed, srsly. -- Mark 13 3 N az he sat on teh mount of Olives over against teh temple, Peter n James n John n Andrew asked him, -- Mark 13 4 Hay when r u smashin teh buildinz? What iz gonna be teh sign? -- Mark 13 5 And Jesus sayd, Watch out or ur gonna get tricked: -- Mark 13 6 D00dz r gonna be all "Hey I iz Christ!" and trick some peoplez. -- Mark 13 7 Ur gonna hear of warz an roomurz ov warz, dun be skeert: 4 stuff happenz; but iz not game over yet k? -- Mark 13 8 4 Nashun shall rize against nation, n kingdom against kingdom: n thar shall be earthquakez in divers placez (skeery!), n thar shall be faminez n troublez: theez r teh birth pains, no flesh iz spared. -- Mark 13 9 But take heed 2 urselves: 4 they shall delivr u up to councilz; and n teh synagogues u shall be beaten: n ur gonna be brought be4 rulerz an kingz for my sake, 4 testimony against them. -- Mark 13 10 N teh gospel must first be published among all nashuns, even lolcats k. -- Mark 13 11 But when they lead u, n delivr u up, dun worry what ur gonna say, n don't think: but whatevr u get n ur hed, say that: cuz ur not talkin, Spooky Cat iz. -- Mark 13 12 Now teh brother iz gonna slay teh brother, n teh father teh son; n kidz shall rize up against their ownerz, n get em killed. -- Mark 13 13 N ur gonna be hated for bein my d00dz: but stick it out, n ur gonna be saved k? -- Mark 13 14 But when u see teh abomination ov desolation, spoken ov by Daniel the psychic d00d, standin where it'z not allowed, (r u listenin?) then let them that r n Judaea flee to teh mountainz: -- Mark 13 15 If ur on ur roof, don' go in ur house, and don' get ur stuff: -- Mark 13 16 An if ur n teh field don't go back for ur jacket. -- Mark 13 17 But woe 2 u that haz child, and 2 u that givez suck n thoze dayz! -- Mark 13 18 N pray that ur flight iz not n winter. -- Mark 13 19 4 n thoze days shall be worst diseasez evar! -- Mark 13 20 N unless Ceiling Cat shortens thoze dayz, no flesh will be spared: unless ur one ov my d00dz. -- Mark 13 21 An then if any d00d sayz "Hay! Here iz Christ" or, "Hay! There he iz!" don' listen k: -- Mark 13 22 4 fake Christs and fake psychic d00dz shall rize, and do spellz to trick peoples, maybe even my d00dz. -- Mark 13 23 Listen k, I told u this stuff be4. -- Mark 13 24 In thoze days, after the skeery timez, the sun n moon r gonna go dark. -- Mark 13 25 Starz r gonna fall n Heaven iz gonna shake. -- Mark 13 26 Ur gonna see me in teh cloudz with great power n glory. -- Mark 13 27 I'm gonna send mah angelz n gather my d00dz from the 4 windz n teh whole sky. -- Mark 13 28 Learn from teh fig tree, when teh branch iz tender n putz out leaves, u know summer iz near. -- Mark 13 29 When u see teh signz, u know itz gonna happen soon. -- Mark 13 30 Srsly, this generashun iz not gonna pass til teh skeery stuff happenz. -- Mark 13 31 Heaven n earth will pass away but not my wordz. -- Mark 13 32 Nobody knowz when itz gonna happen, not u or u either. Not teh angelz or even me, just Ceiling Cat. -- Mark 13 33 L00k out, watch n pray, cuz u dunno what time itz comin. -- Mark 13 34 4 teh Son ov Man iz like a man who took a long trip, who left hiz house n left his servantz n charge, n every man 2 hiz work, n told hiz porter 2 watch. -- Mark 13 35 So watch k, cuz u dunno when teh master ov teh house iz comin, at evenin or midnight or dawn or teh mornin. -- Mark 13 36 U don' want him 2 find u sleepin, srsly. -- Mark 13 37 I say 2 u and 2 everybody, watch. -- Mark 13 1 Lotz of peeplz tried to tel dis stori, -- Luke 1 2 its turnded into sort of an urbn lejnd LOL. -- Luke 1 3 So I investigaetd evrithin for mai frend Theophilus, -- Luke 1 4 so u will know teh truef. -- Luke 1 5 Wen Herrud hads cheezburgers, sum dood callz Zac hads waif callz Liz. -- Luke 1 6 Dey laiks Ceiling Cat and does not pee on his rug. -- Luke 1 7 But dey waz old and still has no kittehs. -- Luke 1 8 One dai, Zac waz serving Ceiling Cat, -- Luke 1 9 He hadz to smoke da catnip -- Luke 1 10 Wen every doodz was preying. -- Luke 1 11 And dey was an angel in da catnip - -- Luke 1 12 O noez! -- Luke 1 13 But teh angel sed "is okai. You can has a kitteh. Calls him Jon. -- Luke 1 14 You can has partiez, and all teh doodz also -- Luke 1 15 Foar Ceiling Cat will laik him; but he cans not has da drinkies. -- Luke 1 16 An he will work foar teh Ceiling Cat -- Luke 1 17 And makes all teh doodz sry dey was bad." -- Luke 1 18 An Zac sed: "wat? But me and mai waif has rinkles" -- Luke 1 19 An teh angel sed "Srsly, I is Gabriel. I knows Ceiling Cat, who sendz me, -- Luke 1 20 But 'cos you doesn't beleeve me you can has no voice foar now, kthxbai". -- Luke 1 21 Evribodi wondrd whai Zechariah wuz takin so long in teh templ. -- Luke 1 22 When he comed out he cudnt talk. But evribodi figrd out he hadded a visiun, bcz he actd it out. -- Luke 1 23 Evenchly hiz tour of duti wuz up n he comed home. -- Luke 1 24 N hiz wief Elizabeth gotted pregnant. -- Luke 1 25 "Thank u Ceiling Cat," she sed. -- Luke 1 26 Ceiling Cat sended Gabriel, a hovr d00d, to Nazareth (dat is a citi in Galilee) -- Luke 1 27 to a virgn naemd Mary. She wuz engajded to a d00d naemd Joseph. -- Luke 1 28 Gabriel wuz liek "O hai Mary, u iz realli nice. Ceiling Cat iz wif u." -- Luke 1 29 Mary wuz kiend of worrid about dat. -- Luke 1 30 But teh hovr d00d wuz all "Doant be afraid. Ceiling Cat iz happi wif u. -- Luke 1 31 U iz gonna hav a kittn. Naem him Jesus. -- Luke 1 32 He wil be graet. He wil be teh kittn of Ceiling Cat an his daddi will give him David's chaer. -- Luke 1 33 He wil r00l Jacob's house forevr." -- Luke 1 34 Mary wuz liek "O rly, i iz a virgn remembr." -- Luke 1 35 Gabriel wuz all "Ceiling Cat wil take caer of it." -- Luke 1 36 Elizabeth iz goin to hav a kittn n evribodi seded it wuz imposubl." -- Luke 1 37 Nothin iz imposubl for Ceiling Cat." -- Luke 1 38 Mary sed "I is happi to do Ceiling Cat's work. Liek u sai." N Gabriel lefted. -- Luke 1 41 When Elizabeth hurd dat, teh kittn insied her gotted all excitd. -- Luke 1 42 Elizabeth wuz all "Ceiling Cat givz u cheezburgr, an he givz ur kittn cheezburgr too. -- Luke 1 43 I iz lucki dat teh mothr of mai Lord comed to see me. -- Luke 1 44 Jus look at what mai kittn did when he heared u. -- Luke 1 45 If u beleev dat what Ceiling Cat sed to u wil come true, u can haz cheezburgr." -- Luke 1 46 Mary sed "Ceiling Cat is laik a big deal, -- Luke 1 47 Mai I is happy about Ceiling Cat... -- Luke 1 48 bcz he kepted me in maind an now evribodi knowz i can haz cheezburgr. -- Luke 1 49 Thank u Ceiling Cat, u iz cool. -- Luke 1 50 U iz niec to evribodi. -- Luke 1 51 Xcept peeplz who doant dizrv it LOL. -- Luke 1 52 U haz pwned teh r00lrz whiel stil bein niec to teh n00bz. -- Luke 1 53 U givd cookies to teh hungri whiel u tolded teh rich "Niec trai." -- Luke 1 54 U wuz niec to Israel -- Luke 1 55 an to all Abraham's famili liek u promist." -- Luke 1 56 Mary staied wif Elizabeth three munfz. Den she wented hoam. -- Luke 1 57 Elizabeth's kittn wuz a boi. -- Luke 1 58 Evribodi wuz happi. -- Luke 1 59 Dey had hiz boi-harblez fixted (but not liek ur thinkin). Dey wuz gonna naem him Zechariah, -- Luke 1 60 but Elizabeth wuz all "STFU we iz callin him John." -- Luke 1 61 Evribodi wuz all "No wai." -- Luke 1 62 Dey trieded to figr out what Zechariah wantid to call him. Zechariah cudnt talk rimembr. -- Luke 1 63 He rieted down "John." Evribodi wuz liek "OMG srsly?" -- Luke 1 64 Az soon az dat happnd he cud talk agin an he wuz all "Thanx Ceiling Cat." -- Luke 1 65 Evribodi wuz all "OMG." -- Luke 1 66 N dey wundrd what Ceiling Cat's planz for John wuz. -- Luke 1 67 Hovr Cat wuz in Zechariah, makin him tell teh fyoochr. -- Luke 1 68 "Good for u Ceiling Cat, u maed thingz bettr for Israel. -- Luke 1 69 U pickted up a trumpit for us. -- Luke 1 70 Liek teh profetz sed u wud. -- Luke 1 71 U protectided us from all teh bulliez. -- Luke 1 72 U wuz niec to our daddiz an remembrd dey hadded a deel wif u. -- Luke 1 73 Teh deal u maded wif Abraham, -- Luke 1 74 to protect us, n let us work for u wifout fear -- Luke 1 75 n be good all our lievz. -- Luke 1 76 Mai kittn, peeplz wil call u Ceiling Cat's profet becz us wil get evrithin reddi for him, -- Luke 1 77 so dat peeplz Invisible Errors will be forgivn, -- Luke 1 78 bcz Ceiling Cat iz niec, liek teh sun -- Luke 1 79 dat shienz an liets teh wai." -- Luke 1 80 Teh kittn growded up strong evn tho he livded in teh dezrt. -- Luke 1 1 'Roun dis tiyem, Caesar Augustus wuz like, "I can has cenzus?" -- Luke 2 2 ('Coz while Quirinius was Teh Boz of Syria, is invisible census!) -- Luke 2 3 And all teh doodz went home for teh saying, "I is heer!" -- Luke 2 4 So Joseph went from Naz'reth to Judeeah to Bethlehemm whar David wuz bornededed, 'coz David wuz hiz graete-graete gran-daddie, -- Luke 2 5 An Mary went wif him, 'coz she was gonna be married an she was preggerz. -- Luke 2 6 When wuz time for teh baybee, -- Luke 2 7 it wuz a boy, so he wuz wrapd in blanket like burrito an placd him in fud dish, cuz innkeeper wuz liek, no room here kthxbye! -- Luke 2 8 Then there wuz sheep-doods in teh field, an they wuz watchin teh sheep in teh dark. Iz vry vry boring. srsly. -- Luke 2 9 An suddenly, visible angel! An glory! O noez!! -- Luke 2 10 But teh angel sed, "is ok, you can has gud news for all teh doodz! -- Luke 2 11 Todai in da city ov David, you can has sayvur! is Christ da Lord! w00t! -- Luke 2 12 Is sign fer u, find da baybee wrapd like brrito in a big fud dish." -- Luke 2 13 An suddenly, moar angelz! They sez, -- Luke 2 14 "w00t to teh Ceiling Cat! An peace fer doodz he luffs! Kthxbai." -- Luke 2 15 An when da angelz go invisible again, sheep-doodz sed, "sweet, nao we find teh brrito-baybee sayvur!" -- Luke 2 16 So dey left da sheeps (sheeps r vry borng) and found Joe an Mary and da baybee in da fud dish. -- Luke 2 17 An when dey saw it wuz baybee an not brrito, they told evrywun he wuz kewl, -- Luke 2 18 An all teh doodz who herd were lyke, "neat-o brrito!" -- Luke 2 19 An Mary wuz lyke, "o rly?" -- Luke 2 20 Teh sheep-doodz sed, "Yay fer Ceiling Cat! Was not invisible brrito!" -- Luke 2 21 On dai noomber ate, it wuz tiem 2 circumcize him (iz laik getting fixd) an they called him Jesus, 'coz teh angel sed it wuz a kewl name. -- Luke 2 22 When Jesus' mom an dad wer dun gettin cleen by lickin themslvs, they took teh baybee to Jerusalem to bee presenteded to Ceiling Cat -- Luke 2 23 ('coz hiz law sed so) -- Luke 2 24 an to sacrimifice two birdeez ('coz he sed thats teh roolz). -- Luke 2 25 So der wuz dis dood calld Simeon, an he wuz a gud dood and teh Ceiling Cat thot he wuz kewl. -- Luke 2 26 It had been reveald to him by teh holy spirit dat he wud not dye before he had seen teh lordz Christ wrappeded lk burito. -- Luke 2 27 He wuz hangin out in da temple and when he saw da baybee burito, -- Luke 2 28 Simeon did not eated baybee but insteads hugged him an sed, -- Luke 2 29 "Spiffy Ceiling Cat, I can to be dying nao, -- Luke 2 30 'coz I saw teh salvation and teh coolness -- Luke 2 31 that u maded for all teh peoplez an stuffs, -- Luke 2 32 for teh Gentiles and for teh gloree uv Israel." -- Luke 2 33 His Mom an Dad were lyke, "sweet, are baybee iz teh kewlness!" -- Luke 2 34 Simeon sed, "yer baybee iz destined to make teh rizing and falling of lotz of doodz in Israel, an doodz will say he iz not kewl, -- Luke 2 35 but all teh heartz will be revealed. O ya, and yer sole will be peerced, too, but nvm that wan, iz gonna be ok." -- Luke 2 36 So der waz also an old proffit ladee named Anna (I meen REALLY old), an her daddy wuz Phanuel, an hiz famlee wuz Asher, -- Luke 2 37 an she wuz a widder. Sadness! She wuz in teh temple all teh time for teh praying an stuffs and sumetimes she maded cookies. -- Luke 2 38 She saw da baybee an sed, "thx, Ceiling Cat! U rokk!" an told all teh doodz about how Jerusalem waz gonna be a kewl place agen sumdai. -- Luke 2 39 When dey were dun wif all teh leegal stuffs, it wuz tiem to go home to Naz'reth. -- Luke 2 40 And teh baybee got to be big and tuff and smart and Ceiling Cat thot he was a purty gud kid, if ya know what I means. -- Luke 2 41 Evry yeer, hiz parentz went to Jeruzalem for teh Passover par-tay with all teh gud fudz, like lambses an crackerz an wine an of cours cheezburgerz an yummy stuffs. -- Luke 2 42 When he wuz 12, Jesus gots to go, too. Sweet! -- Luke 2 43 After teh partay wuz over, Jesus decideded to stays der, but hiz parents didnt knowtice. -- Luke 2 44 They kinda kept on goin wifout even askin, "Jesus, whar u be?" which isnt vry nice 4 parentz to doo, but mebe they wuz 2 bizy clening ktty litterz -- Luke 2 45 But then they did not saw him, an sed, "oh noez! whar are u, Jesus???" -- Luke 2 46 Tree hole daze l8r, dey found him at da temmmple wif da teechur doodz bein all smrt an stuffs. s-m-r-t. smrt. -- Luke 2 47 Evrybodee sed, "whoa, teh dood is rly smrt, srsly!" -- Luke 2 48 But his parents were lyke, "omg Jesus, wtf? -- Luke 2 49 an Jesus was lyke, "dood, I can has bein wif my Dad dis hole tyme!" -- Luke 2 50 An Joseph was lyke, "o rly? no wai!" -- Luke 2 51 So dey all went home togetha an Jesus wuz a gud kid. But all along, hiz momma was lyke, "o rly?" -- Luke 2 52 An Jesus wuz big an smrt and both Ceiling Cat an doodz thot he was purty kewl, like teh beez kneez and stuffs. -- Luke 2 1 Tiberius Caesar had been around for a whiel -- Luke 3 2 an John teh Baptist herd teh werd of Ceiling Cat. -- Luke 3 3 He wented all around teh Jordan River sayin "If I givz u bath it taekz awai teh Invisible Errors." -- Luke 3 4 Liek Isaiah sez, "Sumwun in teh desrt is sayin,'Maek a niec road for Ceiling Cat.' -- Luke 3 5 Fil in all teh potholzan sand down all teh speedbumpz.No hairpin curvzan no gravl. -- Luke 3 6 Evribodi will see how graet Ceiling Cat iz." -- Luke 3 7 Lotz of peeplz caem to get bath frm John. He wuz all "U iz snaekz. -- Luke 3 8 U needz to behaev. N quit sayin Abraham is ur daddi liek dat maeks a differns. Ceiling Cat cud chaenj a rock into a kittn of Abraham LOL. -- Luke 3 9 Teh ax iz reddi to cut down te treez. Ani tree datz no good iz goin on teh fier." -- Luke 3 10 Evribodi wuz all "O noes! Whut now?" -- Luke 3 11 John wuz all "U shud shaer ur flee collrz wif catz who duzn hav ani. An shaer ur cookies too." -- Luke 3 12 Dere wuz sum IRS d00dz dere n dey askded whut dey shud do. -- Luke 3 13 John wuz liek "Doant steal duh." -- Luke 3 14 N sum soljrz askted whut dey shud do. -- Luke 3 15 John wuz liek "Dont steal an dont tell liez." -- Luke 3 15 Sum peepl wundrded if maybi John wuz Christ. -- Luke 3 16 John wuz liek "No. I givz u baff wif watr, but Christ will giv u a baff with Hovr Cat an wif fier too. -- Luke 3 17 He iz goin to put all teh wheet in hiz barn an burn teh trash on teh fier. -- Luke 3 18 At leest he gived dem sum good newz along wif teh bad newz. -- Luke 3 19 But den John talkded trash about teh rong d00d. -- Luke 3 20 And Herod throed him in jail LOL. -- Luke 3 21 Jesus gotted a baff wif evribodi els. -- Luke 3 22 Hovr Cat turnded into a pijn and landid on Jesus. And a voiss from the ceiling sed "U iz mai kittn. I lieks u an I iz happi wif u." -- Luke 3 23 When Jesus wuz about thrti he startd wrk. Peepl thot he wuz teh kittn of Joseph, -- Luke 3 24 who hadded a lot of oldr relativz, -- Luke 3 25 a whoal lot, -- Luke 3 26 u wudnt bleev how mani, -- Luke 3 27 I forgetz dem all, -- Luke 3 28 but srsly dere is lotz, -- Luke 3 29 imajn how mani peeplz u wud hav to send Crismis cardz to LOL, -- Luke 3 30 if dey had Crismis cardz i meenz, -- Luke 3 31 bcz srsly WTF dere iz hundridz, -- Luke 3 33 includin lotz of peeplz us can read about in teh Old Testimint, -- Luke 3 34 too mani to remembr, -- Luke 3 35 it jus goez on an on, -- Luke 3 36 evn Noah iz on teh list, -- Luke 3 37 srsly, -- Luke 3 38 all teh wai bak to Adam. -- Luke 3 1 Teh Holy Spirit leaded Jesus into teh dezrt -- Luke 4 2 an Satan pestrded him for forti daiz. Jesus didint eated nothin all dat tiem an he gotted hungri. -- Luke 4 3 Satan wuz liek, "If u iz Ceiling Cat's kittn, turn teh rokz into cookies." -- Luke 4 4 But Jesus wuz all "No wai, liek teh book sez, 'peepl needz moar dan bred to liv.'" -- Luke 4 5 Den Satan taked him up whaer he cud see all teh kingdmz in teh wrld. -- Luke 4 6 An Satan wuz liek "U can haz all dis -- Luke 4 7 if u prayz to me." -- Luke 4 8 Jesus wuz liek "LOL, teh book sez 'Only pray to Ceiling Cat an wrk for him k.'" -- Luke 4 9 Satan wuz not dun yet, he takeded Jesus to Jerusalem an putted him on teh top of teh templ. He wuz liek "If u iz Ceiling Cat's son, jump off k. -- Luke 4 10 U iz alwaiz talkin about dat book, well dat book sez:'He wil tell his anjilz to keep an eye on u, -- Luke 4 11 dey wil pik u up so u woant trip." -- Luke 4 12 But Jesus wuz all "U forgetted, it sez 'Do not giv Ceiling Cat tests LOL.'" -- Luke 4 13 An Satan givd up. For teh tiem bein eniwai. -- Luke 4 14 Jesus wented back to Galilee. -- Luke 4 15 He teachted in teh synagog an evribodi liekded dat. -- Luke 4 16 Den he wented hoem to Nazareth an wented to teh synagog liek he alwaiz did. -- Luke 4 17 Sumwun gived him teh book of Isaiah an he lookted up teh part dat goez: -- Luke 4 18 "I gotz teh Holy Spirit,bcz Ceiling Cat pickted meto giv good newz to deh poor peeplzan giv freedm to peeplz in jailan siet to teh blindan get evribodi treetd bettr -- Luke 4 19 an sai 'Ceiling Cat iz makin dis a good year.'" -- Luke 4 20 He givded teh book bak. Evribodi was starin -- Luke 4 21 an Jesus wuz all "Dat comed tru todai. I iz in ur synagog, fulfillin ur professeez." -- Luke 4 22 Evribodi wuz all "What a niec kittn. Hez Joesphz kittn riet?" -- Luke 4 23 Jesus wuz all "Now u iz gonna sai 'Doctor, treet urself! Do sum miraclz heer liek u didded in Capernaum.' " -- Luke 4 24 "U no whut, no proffett iz popular in hiz hoemtown. -- Luke 4 25 When Elijah wuz aliev, dere wuz lotz of widowz whaer he lived. -- Luke 4 26 But Ceiling Cat didint send Elijah to enni of dem. He sended Elijah to a widow in Zarephath insted. -- Luke 4 27 N when Elisha wuz aliev dere wuz all kaindz of leperz whaer he livd. (Leprz haz a skin dizeez calld leprosi, it is nasti). But teh onli wun Elisha healded wuz Naaman teh Syrian." -- Luke 4 28 Dat pissted evribodi off. -- Luke 4 29 Dey throwd Jesus out of town an draggded him up a hill. Dey wuz goin to thro him off teh clif. -- Luke 4 30 But he jus walkted thru teh crowd an lefted LOL. -- Luke 4 31 Den Jesus wented to Capernaum to teech peeplz. -- Luke 4 32 Dey wuz all "OMG, he r00lz." -- Luke 4 33 A deemn wuz in dis d00d, causin him trubbl. He wuz all, -- Luke 4 34 "O hai Jesus, iz u comin to destroi us? I know who u iz! U iz teh son of Ceiling Cat!" -- Luke 4 35 An Jesus wuz liek "STFU! Get out of dere!" An teh deemn throwded teh d00d down an left kwietli. -- Luke 4 36 Evribodi wuz all "OMG!" -- Luke 4 37 An dey telled all dere frenz. -- Luke 4 38 Jesus wented to Simonz house. Simonz mothr-in-law wuz rilli sik an dey askted Jesus to help hr. -- Luke 4 39 So he wuz liek "Feevr, get out!" an she got bettr. She felt so much bettr she startd bringin dem cookies an milk. -- Luke 4 40 Bai sundown all kindz of sik peepl wuz comin to see Jesus. He putted hiz pawz on dem an dey gotted bettrz. -- Luke 4 41 An deemnz dat wuz insied peeplz wuz leevin to, all "OMG, u iz Ceiling Cat's kittn!" But Jesus made dem STFU bcz dey knowd who he wuz. -- Luke 4 42 When teh sun comd up Jesus lefted. Evribodi wuz lookin for him an when dey founded him dey tried to stop him from leevn. -- Luke 4 43 But he wuz liek "Ceiling Cat wantz me to tell teh good newses evriwhaer." -- Luke 4 44 An he kep vizitin teh synagogz in Judea an tellin evriwun deze thingz. -- Luke 4 1 Wun dai Jesus wuz bai Lake Gennesaret n dere wuz all kiendz of peeplz lissnin, he wuz feelin crowdid. -- Luke 5 2 He seed two boetz whaer teh fishrmenz wuz washin dere netz. -- Luke 5 3 He gotted into wun of teh boatz an wuz liek "O hai Simon, cud u go a littl waiz into teh watr kthnx." Den he talkded to teh peepl from teh boat so he wudnt feel so crowdid. -- Luke 5 4 When he wuz dun he sed "OK Simon, now go into teh deep watr an lets fish." -- Luke 5 5 Simon wuz liek "We haz ben fishin all nite an all dai an haznt caughtid nothinz. But i wil stil do liek u sez." -- Luke 5 6 An dey caughtid so much fish dere netz wuz braekin LOL. -- Luke 5 7 So dey asktid dere buddiez to help, an evribodiz boatz wuz so ful of fishiz dat teh boatz wuz sinkin LOL. -- Luke 5 8 Simon Peter wuz all "OMG u iz teh kittn of Ceiling Cat! i iz a bad cat n i doant dizrv to hav u here wif me!" -- Luke 5 9 Bcz he an his frenz were all liek, OMG look at all teh fish. -- Luke 5 10 An so wuz James an John. Dere daddi Zebedee wuz Simons fishin buddi.Jesus wuz liek "Its OK, from now on u iz fishin for peeplz insted LOL." -- Luke 5 11 So dey lefted dere boatz on teh shoar an followded Jesus. -- Luke 5 12 Whiel Jesus wuz teechin dis d00d wif leprosi caem along. When he seed Jesus he wuz all "Jesus, u can maek me helthi if u wantz, plz, kthnx." -- Luke 5 13 Jesus touchted him wif hiz paw an wuz liek "OK." An teh leprosi wuz gon jus liek dat. -- Luke 5 14 Jesus wuz liek "Doant tel ennibodi, jus go to teh tempul liek ur spoest to." (Bcz datz what Moses sed to do if u haz leprosi but u getz bettr) -- Luke 5 15 But itz hard to keep a sekrit liek dat wun. All teh sick peeplz finded out an dey wuz followin Jesus around. -- Luke 5 16 So Jesus wud go hied an prai. -- Luke 5 17 Wun dai Jesus wuz teechin. Dere wuz Pharisses dere, dey wuz liek lawyrz. -- Luke 5 18 Some d00dz tried to taek dere paralizd frend into teh house so Jesus cud maek him bettr. -- Luke 5 19 But it wuz too crowdid. So dey dragded him up on teh roof an droppt him in front of Jesus LOL. -- Luke 5 20 Jesus wuz impressted, he wuz liek "O hai, i taekz awai ur Invizibl Errorz." -- Luke 5 21 Teh Phariseez wuz all offendid, dey wuz liek "Who iz dis d00d who talkz liek dat? No wun but Ceiling Cat can taek awai Invizibl Errorz." -- Luke 5 22 But Jesus cud read dere mindz. He wuz all "Why u iz thinkin dat? -- Luke 5 23 Iz it eazier to sai 'i taekz awai ur Invizibl Errorz' or 'Get up an get out of here LOL'? -- Luke 5 24 But so u wil know dat i can forgiv sinz ..." He sed to teh paralizd d00d, "Get up an get out of here." -- Luke 5 25 An datz what teh d00d did. -- Luke 5 26 Evribodi wuz all "Wow, Ceiling Cat r00lz." -- Luke 5 27 Den Jesus wented out an he seed a IRS d00d naemd Levi sittin in hiz booth, collectin hiz taxiz. "Com wif me," sed Jesus. -- Luke 5 28 Levi gotted up, lefted evrithin and folloed him. -- Luke 5 29 Den Levi throwd a parti for Jesus at hiz plaec, an a lot of othr IRS d00dz showd up. -- Luke 5 30 Teh Pharisees gotted all snotti about dat, dey wuz liek "Jesus whai iz u partyin wif IRS d00dz an peepl who iz makin Invisible Errors?" -- Luke 5 31 Jesus wuz all "Helthi peeplz duzint needsz a doctr. Onli sick peeplz needz a doctr. -- Luke 5 32 I didint com to hang out wif teh good peeplz, I caemd to maek teh bad peeplz straitn up an fly riet." -- Luke 5 33 Dey wuz also liek "Johnz followrz prai all teh tiem an doant eat. Teh Pharisees followrz iz teh saem wai. But ur followrz are alwaiz eatin cookies an drinkin, its liek a parti ovr dere." -- Luke 5 34 Jesus wuz liek, "Wud u go to a weddin an tell all teh guestz to stop bein happi whiel teh groom wuz dere? -- Luke 5 35 Soonr or latr teh groom wil be taeknd awai. Dey wil stop bein happi den, doant worri." -- Luke 5 36 He tolded dem dis stori: "No wun taerz off a piec of an new shirt an soez it onto an old wun. If u did u wud ruin teh new shirt an it wudnt match teh old wun eniwai LOL. -- Luke 5 37 An no wun putz new wien into old wienskinz." (Dey didint hav bottlz den, dey putted teh wien in a goat skin LOL) "Teh skinz wil braek an all teh wien wil get all ovr evriwaer LOL. -- Luke 5 38 U putz new wien in new wienskins. -- Luke 5 39 An no wun wantz it eniwai aftr dey drinkted teh old wien, bcz old wien iz bettr." -- Luke 5 20 Jesus truned 2 diziples n sed "cheezburger 4 u if ur teh poor, 4 Ceiling is urz" -- Luke 6 21 "N cheezburger 4 u if u no has food, 4 u will haev lots NOMNOMNOM. cheezburger 4 u if u r emo cats n cry in corner, 4 u wil be liek ROTFLOLz!!!111" -- Luke 6 22 "cheezburger 4 u if othr ppl haet u, flame u, kick u, or ban u cuz of me" -- Luke 6 23 "be happy cats on that dey, invisible disco n say 'w00t!' cuz look: ur cookiez r in teh cieling, 4 dis is same wai they treeted teh profets" -- Luke 6 24 "but no cheezburger 4 u if ur rich, 4 ur comftble alredy, srsly" -- Luke 6 25 "N no cheezburger 4 u if u has food, 4 ur gon haev no cookiez an be hungry. N no cheezburger 4 u if u haz LOLz noaw, 4 u will be liek emo kittehs" -- Luke 6 26 "No cheezburger 4 u if other ppl r liek 'ur kewl' 4 dis is what dey did to fals profets" -- Luke 6 27 "But i sey 2 u luv ur emenies n giev cookiez 2 thoes who no give u cookiez" -- Luke 6 27 "N give cheezburger 2 thoes that no giev u cheezburger, prei 4 teh bad kittehs" -- Luke 6 1 Wen Jebus wuz dun talkin he goed to Cappernam. -- Luke 7 2 A dood tehre had a spensive minnyon whoz all sik an gunna die an teh dood wuz liek "oh noes!" -- Luke 7 3 So wen he herd abt Jebus he sent sum old doodz to say "Halp plz cum save mah minnyon!" -- Luke 7 4 So teh old ppl goed an sed to Jebus, "Tihs dood is gud guy -- Luke 7 5 an builded us a sinnygog an luvs us so halp plz." -- Luke 7 6 So Jebus goed. Wen Jebus wuz almst thr teh dood wuz liek "no mah base iznt gud enuf so u stays tehre k. -- Luke 7 7 Iz not kewl enuf to cum find u but plz halp mah minnyon k? -- Luke 7 8 Cuz I gets teh orderz an I gives teh orderz an ppl doez wut I says." -- Luke 7 9 Jebus wuz liek "no wai!" an he sed to teh ppls followin him, "Iz tellin u even in Israyel I no has seen taht big fayeth." -- Luke 7 10 Wen teh doodz frenz goed bak to teh base tehy seen teh minnyon was all better. -- Luke 7 11 Ltr, Jebus goed to Nain, an hiz minnyons and lotz o doodz went wit him. -- Luke 7 12 When he got to da base, he seed a box kitteh that wuz dead--the only kitteh of his mom, and her husbin wuz dead too. And lotz o doodz frum da base wuz wit her. -- Luke 7 13 When Jebus seed her, he was liek "Oh noes, dunt cry laydee!" -- Luke 7 14 Then he goed and touched teh dead kitteh's box, and the guyz that wuz carryin it were like, "Dood!" Jebus sed, "Kitteh, I say to you, get up!" -- Luke 7 15 The dead kitteh sat up and said, "I can haz cheezburgr?", and Jebus gived him back to hiz mom, and she wuz all happy an stuff. -- Luke 7 16 Teh hole base wuz all amazed and said "Ceiling Cat is da bomb! Jebus is so kewl! Kthxbai." -- Luke 7 17 And lotz more ppl heard abt Jebus bcuz they wanted him to raiz their dead kittehs too. -- Luke 7 18 John's doodz told him about all the kewl stuff Jebus wuz doing. John called two doodz, -- Luke 7 19 an sent them to Jebus to ask, "You is teh Ceiling Cat guy we heared abut, or iz sum1 else?" -- Luke 7 20 Wen teh doodz came to Jebus, they said, "John teh Baptist telled us to ask, You is teh Ceiling Cat guy we heared abut, or iz sum1 else?" -- Luke 7 21 Jebus wuz busy fixin sick ppl and demon kittehs an stuff. -- Luke 7 22 So he sayed to teh doodz, "Go back and tell John abut all teh stuff I am doin an how evrbody iz talkin abut me. -- Luke 7 23 A guy who duz not fail on account of me gets cheezburgrs." -- Luke 7 24 After Johns doodz left, Jebus talked to teh crown about John and wuz teasing them and stuff: "Why you did go way out to teh desert? To watch teh grass bein mowed? -- Luke 7 25 Or a supermodel posing for Playkitteh? No, supermodels are too kewl to hang out wit you. -- Luke 7 26 But wut did you go out to see? A prophet? Yes, I tell you, and more than a prophet. -- Luke 7 27 This is the dood ppl writed about: 'I will send a guy ahed of you, who will shovel teh snow b4 you getz there so you dunt fall down and stuff, kthxbai.' -- Luke 7 28 I tellz you, John iz da bomb, but even a noob iz greater den him." -- Luke 7 29 (All da ppl, even teh IRS doodz, wen tey heard Jebus talking, said Ceiling Cat wuz right, bcuz they had been baptized by John. -- Luke 7 30 But teh pharsies an loyers who didun want John to dunk tehm undr teh water rejected Ceiling Cat and tehy won't get any cheezburgrs.) -- Luke 7 31 "Wut are teh ppl here like? -- Luke 7 32 Tehy is like kittehs who are doin cute stuff an no one is sayin they are cute, and getz all emo bcuz no one is sayin they are cute. -- Luke 7 33 For John came an didun want cookies, an you say, 'He can haz demon.' -- Luke 7 34 An Jebus came an maked cookies for evrbody, an you say, 'Here is a fat kitteh an guy who helps noobs.' -- Luke 7 35 But Ceiling Cat is watching you masturbate." -- Luke 7 36 A pharsie sed "Hay u can come haz cheezburger" so Jebus did. -- Luke 7 37 A bad kitteh herd he wuz tehre so she cam with cookies, -- Luke 7 38 an gived him cookies and didn't eated them, an she lickded his fur all clean an stuff. -- Luke 7 39 Pharsie wuz liek, "wtf ur no smrt, she gotz invisible errors an ur lettin her clean ur fur." -- Luke 7 40 Jebus sed, "Simon, I haz sumtin to say to u." "Wut iz it?" -- Luke 7 41 "2 ppl owez a dood sum cheezburgers. 1 owez 500 an otehr owez 50. -- Luke 7 42 Bcuz tehy both no has cheezburgers, dood sez ok wahtever nm kthxbai. So which 1 luvz teh dood moer nao?" -- Luke 7 43 Simon sed, "1 who owez more cheezburgers." Jebus sed, "ya rly." -- Luke 7 44 Tehn he wuz liek, "do u see tihs womin? wen I cum here u dint clean my fur but she did. -- Luke 7 45 U dint givez me cookies, but she givez me lotz of cookies and didn't eated tehm. -- Luke 7 46 U dint doez scratchies bhind my ear, but she doez. -- Luke 7 47 So I sez to u, she no has invisible errors now, so she luv lots. Sum1 who dint haev big sinz not luv lots." -- Luke 7 48 Jebus sed to her, "U had invisible errors but wahtever nm kthxbai." -- Luke 7 49 Everbudy wuz liek "omg who is tihs guy taht sez nm invisible errors?" -- Luke 7 50 But he sed to her, "Ur fayeth savez u kthxbai." -- Luke 7 1 So after dat Jesus wented around doin his thing, wif hiz twelv followrz, -- Luke 8 2 an sum ladiez too. He had heald dem from dizeeziz. He had throwded sevn deemnz out of Mary Magdalene. -- Luke 8 3 Dere wuz also Joanna an Susanna an sum otherz. Dey wuz helpin out, supportin teh rest of Jesuss followrz. -- Luke 8 4 Jesus tolded dis stori: -- Luke 8 5 "A farmr went out plantin seedz. Sum of dem fell nex to teh road. Peeplz stepted on dem an teh birdz eated dem. -- Luke 8 6 Sum of dem fel on teh rock, an when dey comd up teh plantz drieded out an died. -- Luke 8 7 Sum of dem fel in teh weedz an gotted choketed. -- Luke 8 8 Sum of dem fell in teh dirt an dey caem up an teh farmr harvisted lotz moar dan he plantid. So some good caem of it LOL."When he wuz finisht he wuz liek "If u haz earz, lissn up." -- Luke 8 9 Hiz followrz wundrd what teh stori ment. Dey at leest figrd out it waznt about farmin LOL. -- Luke 8 10 He said, "I wil let u know what it meenz, but i iz keepin it sekrit from teh n00bz, so dat" 'dey can see an not rilli see;dey can heer an not unrstand LOL.' -- Luke 8 11 "Herez what it meenz k. Teh seed iz teh word of Ceiling Cat. -- Luke 8 12 Teh seedz bai teh path iz teh peepl who heer, but Satan comz along an taekz teh word of Ceiling Cat out of deir hartz, so dat dey woant bileev an woant be saevd. -- Luke 8 13 Teh wunz on teh rock iz teh peepl who heer an say "Yay Ceiling Cat" but haz no rootz. Dey beleev for a whiel, but when thingz get hard dey givz up. -- Luke 8 14 Teh wunz in teh weedz iz teh peepl who heer, but dey getz distraktid bai lief an forgitz about Ceiling Cat. -- Luke 8 15 But teh wunz on teh dirt are peeplz wif good hartz, who hearz teh word an duzint forgit. -- Luke 8 16 "No wun turnz on teh lamp an den putz it in a jar LOL. He putz teh lamp on teh nietstand so evribodi can see. -- Luke 8 17 Evrithin dat iz hiddn wil get founded. -- Luke 8 18 If u haz a lot, u wil getz moar. If u duznt hav much, you wil even lose dat LOL." -- Luke 8 19 Jesus'z mom an brothrz comd to see him but cudnt get thru teh croud. -- Luke 8 20 Sumwun wuz liek "Ur mom an brothrz iz outsied waitin to see u." -- Luke 8 21 Jesus wuz all "Enniwun who hearz Ceiling Catz wurdz an obeiz dem iz mai mothr an brothrz." -- Luke 8 22 Wun dai Jesus telld hiz followrz "Letz go ovr to teh othr sied of teh laek." So dey gotted in a boat an lefted. -- Luke 8 23 Jesus falled asleep in teh boat an it startid rainin so hard evribodi wuz liek "O noes!" -- Luke 8 24 Teh followrz woek him up an dey wuz all "We iz gonna droun!"Jesus gotted up an telled teh wind an teh watr to settl down, an dey did. -- Luke 8 25 "What iz rong wif u?" he sed to hiz followrz. "Duzint u beleev?"Dey wuz liek "O wow, he can evn giv ordrz to teh windz an watr, huh." -- Luke 8 26 Dey wented across teh laek. -- Luke 8 27 A d00d wuz waitin dere. He wuz pozessted bai a demn. He wuz nakid all teh tiem an livd in teh semetari. -- Luke 8 28 When he seed Jesus he fel onto teh ground an wuz liek "Doan hurt me plz Jesus." -- Luke 8 29 Jesus telld teh demn to get out of teh man. It wuz alwaiz causin trubl. Peepl put teh d00d in chainz an garded him but he wud alwaiz braek out an teh demn maded him run awai. -- Luke 8 30 Jesus wuz liek, "What iz ur naem d00d."Teh d00d sed "Lotz," bcz dere wuz lotz of demnz in him. -- Luke 8 31 Teh demnz wuz all liek "O noes, plz doant send us to hell Jesus." Bcz evn demnz doant liek Hell, it sux LOL. -- Luke 8 32 Jesus letted teh demnz go into sum pigz insted. -- Luke 8 33 An all teh pigz jumpted into teh laek an drownded LOL. -- Luke 8 34 Teh peeplz who wuz watchin teh pigz runned off to tel evribodi. U cant realli blaem dem. -- Luke 8 35 Evribodi who heerd about it wuz liek "OMG crazi pigz" an ran out to see. Dey found teh d00d who use to hav teh demnz sittin wif Jesus. He wuznt nutz no moar an he wuz evn wearin clothz. Evribodi wuz all "WTF?" an gotted scaerd. -- Luke 8 36 Dey founded out dat Jesus cured him. -- Luke 8 37 Dat maed dem scaerd and dey telld Jesus to leev an he did. -- Luke 8 38 Teh man who use to be pozested wantid to go along, but Jesus wuz liek, "No, -- Luke 8 39 go hoem an tel evribodi what Ceiling Cat didded for u." So he did. -- Luke 8 40 Jesus wented hoam an evriwun wuz happi to see him. -- Luke 8 41 Dis d00d Jairus wantid Jesus to com to hiz hous -- Luke 8 42 bcz hiz onli dauter wuz dyin. She wuz liek twelv.So menni peeplz wantid to see Jesus dat teh croudz almos crushted him. -- Luke 8 43 Diz womn dere had been bleedin for twelv yeerz an no wun cud help her. -- Luke 8 44 She sneakted up behiend Jesus an touchted teh edj of hiz coat an she stoppted bleedin. -- Luke 8 45 Jesus wuz liek "OK who didded dat?"Evribodi wuz liek "not me d00d" an Peter wuz liek "Itz crowdid LOL." -- Luke 8 46 Jesus wuz liek "Sumwun touchtid me, I feeld it." -- Luke 8 47 Teh womn wuz liek "OMG pwned" an she admittid evrithin. -- Luke 8 48 Jesus wuz liek "U wuz healded bcz u beleevd. U can go now." -- Luke 8 49 Sumwun caem to tel Jairus hiz daughtr wuz ded an dat he shud leav Jesus aloen. -- Luke 8 50 Jesus wuz all "Doant wurri, if u beleev she wil be OK." -- Luke 8 51 When Jesus gotted to Jairus's house he wudnt let enniwun com in wif him. Except Peter. An John an James. An Jairus an his wief of corse, it wuz deir house LOL. -- Luke 8 52 Evribodi wuz cryin. Jesus wuz all "STFU, shez jus sleepin." -- Luke 8 53 Evribodi wuz all "LOL n00b shez dead." -- Luke 8 54 But he helded her paw an wuz liek "U can get up." -- Luke 8 55 An she did. Jesus wuz liek "giv her a cookie." -- Luke 8 56 Her parintz wuz all "OMG WTF," but Jesus telld dem not to tell ennibodi. -- Luke 8 1 Jesus gotted hiz twelv followrz togethr an gived dem teh powr to thro demnz out an heal sick peeplz. -- Luke 9 2 He sented dem to tel evribodi about Ceiling Cat an heal sick peeplz too. -- Luke 9 3 He wuz liek, "Doant taek nothin wif u, not evn cookies or muni or an extra shirt. -- Luke 9 4 Go to a hous an stai dere. -- Luke 9 5 If peepl iz not niec to u, shaek teh dust off ur feet. Dat wil show dem." -- Luke 9 6 So dey did. -- Luke 9 7 King Herod heared about all dis an got confoozd LOL. Sum peepl sed John teh Baptist wuz bak from teh dead, -- Luke 9 8 an othrz sed it wuz Elijah or sum othr proffet who comd bak to lief. -- Luke 9 9 Herod wuz liek "I know i cutted off John's head, dis iz sumwun else." An he tried to see Jesus. -- Luke 9 10 Teh followrz caem bak an Jesus taked dem to a town naemd Bethsaida. -- Luke 9 11 It wuz sposet to be sekrit but evribodi finded out an followded him LOL. He telled dem about Ceiling Cat an healded evriwun who needid it. -- Luke 9 12 Around dinnr tiem hiz twelv followrz wuz liek "Send dem awai to find food, deres no McDonaldz around Bethsaida LOL." -- Luke 9 13 Jesus wuz liek "U giv dem food, d00d."But dey wuz all "We onli hav sum cookies an tuna." -- Luke 9 14 (Dere wuz fiev thouzand d00dz an dey wuz all hungri.)Jesus sed "Jus maek dem sit down." -- Luke 9 15 So dey did. -- Luke 9 16 Jesus helded up teh cookies an sed "Thank u Ceiling Cat." Den he had teh followrz pass dem out. -- Luke 9 17 Evribodi eated until dey wuz ful an dere wuz twelv baskitz of leftovrz. -- Luke 9 18 Dis wun tiem Jesus askted hiz followrz in privit, "Who duz evribodi thinkz i iz?" -- Luke 9 19 They wuz liek, "Sum sez John teh Baptist, sum sez Elija, sum sez sum othr dead proffet." -- Luke 9 20 "An who duz u say i iz?" he sed.Peter wuz liek, "Ceiling Cat's Christ." -- Luke 9 21 Jesus wuz liek "Doant tell enniwun OK." -- Luke 9 22 An he sed, "I haz to put up wif a lot, an get rejekted by teh importnt peeplz, an get killded, an com bak to lief on teh thrd dai." -- Luke 9 23 Den he wuz liek "If u wantz to follo me, u must maek sacrifiesiz an carri ur own cross evri dai. -- Luke 9 24 If u wantz to saev ur lief u wil lose it, but if u lose it for me u wil saev it. -- Luke 9 25 What good duz it do if u get teh whoal world but lose ur own self LOL. -- Luke 9 26 If u is embaerassted bai me, i wil be embaerassted bai u when i comz in mai glori wif all mai anjilz. -- Luke 9 27 Deth haz a flavor, an sum of u wil not taest it befor i comz bak." -- Luke 9 28 Liek ate dais leitr, Jessus wentz up mawnten to prai to Ceiling Cat, wid Peter an John an James. -- Luke 9 29 As he praided, he startd lookin wierd an hiz clothez turnded wite. -- Luke 9 30 An too ppl sed to him, Moses an Elijah, -- Luke 9 31 an dey sed he shuld leve at Jerusalem. -- Luke 9 32 Peter an teh otter doodz wer tirded, but dey keppt aweik, an dey saw teh amazinness of Jesuss and teh too ppl wit him. -- Luke 9 33 Peter sed to Jesus, "Letz us meik tree boots, wun for all ov u." -- Luke 9 34 An a clowd apered, an dey went in teh clowd an wer scraed. -- Luke 9 35 An Ceiling Cat's voize caim frum teh clowd, an he sed, "Dis iz mai sun, u will lissen too wut he sai." -- Luke 9 36 An wen voice finissed sain, Jesus wuz found aloin. An dey wer kwiet, an didnt tell enniwun. -- Luke 9 37 Neckst dai, wen dey caim daown, lawts uv doods metz them. -- Luke 9 38 An a man sed, "Plz lookz fro mai sun, cuz he be mai onlee sun, -- Luke 9 39 an a speert grabz him, an he screemz, an he shaiks till hez got rabiez, an breakz him into peezez, an wont leavez. -- Luke 9 40 An i assked ur doodz to thro it intu trash, but dey culdnt." -- Luke 9 41 Jesus sed, "U pplz r messed. Bring ur sun heer." -- Luke 9 42 Wen he caim, teh demn shuk him. But Jesus sed "U suk demn. Stoppit." An teh boi gotz betterz, an went bak to hiz dad. -- Luke 9 43 An teh pplz wer al amazzeded bai teh majesty uv Ceiling Cat. -- Luke 9 10 But into wotsevr city ya enter, and they receive u nos, go ur ways out into the streets of da same, and sais, -- Luke 10 11 Even the dust of ur city, which stiks on us and we do not want, we dos wipe off onto u: notwifstandin b ya sure of this, that the kingdom of Ceiling Cat is come nigh unto u. -- Luke 10 12 But I tells u dis, that it shall be moar tolerable in that day for Sodom, than fr that city. -- Luke 10 1 It wuz a little bit time gone bai when Jesus wuz talking to da Ceiling Cat in him prayerz, one of hiz follwerz askeded him: teachez us all 2 prai, like taht John de Bapdiss d00d teaches him follwerz. -- Luke 11 2 Jesus sez 2 dem: you prayz, sai: Ceiling Cat, ur 2 kewl. Ur catdom cum 2 urths. -- Luke 11 3 Givez us r cookiez an tuna. -- Luke 11 4 Don't holdz r Invisible Errorz againz us if we r sorri an we makez shur 2 do teh saim 2 udders. Pleaz don't temptz us 2. -- Luke 11 5 So he sez 2 dem: if u haz fren an u visitz him in teh middle of teh nite and sez 2 him: d00d, i needz sum cookiez -- Luke 11 6 cuz i haz a fren cumming ovr an i don't haz any cookiez to giv him. -- Luke 11 7 An teh frist kitteh sez: Iz sleeping, teh kittnz r sleeping, evrbdi iz sleeping, go wai! NO COOKIEZ 4 U!!11!! -- Luke 11 8 But fren kitteh keepz banging n teh dr and frist kitteh givez fren kitteh teh cookiez 2 make him go wai. -- Luke 11 9 So Iz tell u dis srsly - u wan sumting? u ask. u l00k 4 sumting, u gonna find it. Bang n teh dr and it openz 4 u - srsly. -- Luke 11 10 Kittehz ask an getz, kittehz lookz an findz, kittehz bang n teh dr, it openz. SRSLY. -- Luke 11 11 Lissen up kittnz: u wantz cookiez 4m ur urths kitteh daddee, duz ur urths kitteh daddee giv u dog f00d? or ifn u wantz tuna, nastee stuffz? -- Luke 11 12 Or ifn u wantz cheezbrgr, duz ur urths kitteh daddee giv u pewpiez? -- Luke 11 13 Srsly - ifn u can givz gud stuffz 2 ur kittnz an u iz jus urths kittehz, donchu tihnk taht Ceiling Cat - himz ur Ceiling Kitteh Daddee - givz u evn bettr cheezbrgrs?? -- Luke 11 41 Peter ax, "Ceiling Cat, wtf? R u talking to lolcats or to all ppl?" -- Luke 12 42 Ceiling Cat sed, "Boss cat givz teh kitteh cheezburgers 4 all and goed." -- Luke 12 43 "If kitteh not eated all cheezburgerz," -- Luke 12 44 "Boss cat gets hoem and sez, 'KITTEH GETS ALL MAH CHEEZBURGERS!" -- Luke 12 45 "But if kitteh sez 'Boss cat goed, me eat all his cheezburgerz,' and eated them, and then kitteh rollz all in catnip," -- Luke 12 46 "Boss cat goes SURPRIZ!!!!! IZ HOEM EARLY!!!! KITTEH GO SITS IN LITTER BOX!!!!" -- Luke 12 47 Teh kitteh who noes not to eated all cheezburgerz and eated all cheezburgers goe sit in litter box. -- Luke 12 48 Kitteh who not noes not to eated all cheezburgers and eated all cheezburgers goe sit in litter box a little whilez. Kitteh who gots many cheezburgerz, gets axed lots, an from kitteh who gots much trusted, much more axed too, lol. -- Luke 12 49 I likez me sum firez on da urf, -- Luke 12 50 An Ima gettin impayshunt ta bringz dis firez! -- Luke 12 1 OK so 1 caturday Jebus waz tasting flavorz with a fairsee and peepul waz watchin Jebus close. -- Luke 14 2 den diz man with huge paws n feet came to Jebus. -- Luke 14 3 Jebus waz liek "hay fairsees I can heal on caturday?" -- Luke 14 4 fairsees sed nothing. Jebuz heeled him. -- Luke 14 5 Den Jebus waz liek "ok guys srsly. if u had a lolcat dat fell into well on caturday, u wud save dem." -- Luke 14 6 but de fairsees was liek afk. -- Luke 14 7 Jebus waz lookin at gests an haow dey all chooz good placez. he waz liek -- Luke 14 8 "wtf guyz. wen u gets invited, u no sit down in important spotz. maybe someone more important comingz. -- Luke 14 9 An den ur host wud be liek 'hey nub move' An u wud be in lowest spot LOL. -- Luke 14 10 dat iz y u sit in lowest spot so host iz liek 'd00d come sit up heer. den u can haz honor. -- Luke 14 11 4 if u iz makin u self haz gr8ness den u be humbled, but if u iz humble den u can haz gr8ness." -- Luke 14 12 den Jebus waz liek "ok guyz, also wen u haz a feest, invitez de poor lolcats stuck in printerz n stuff, not de rich catz. -- Luke 14 13 rich catz invitez u bak, but if u invitez de crippled lolcatz -- Luke 14 14 u r blessd srsly n I repay u l8r. -- Luke 14 15 So one of de frends o jebus wuz liek "omg we so happy wen we get cheezburgers in Kingdom of Ceiling Cat" -- Luke 14 16 Jebus was liek "ok guys lissen. wun tiem a great lolcat gave grate feest, an told all hiz friendz bout de grate flavorz at de feest. -- Luke 14 17 wen it was tiem for de feest, he waz liek 'servantz, tell friendz tiem for flavor!' -- Luke 14 18 but de friendz waz liek 'um.. gtg sry' -- Luke 14 19 an anudder frend waz liek '/afk' -- Luke 14 20 an even anudder friend waz liek 'has wifez - DO NOT WANT.' -- Luke 14 21 den de servent waz liek 'mastur, no lolcatz comingz.' so master was liek 'srsly' and survant waz liek 'srsly.' So mastur was liek 'ok go finds poor lolcats stuk in printerz and bucketz and bring dem.' -- Luke 14 22 so de survant did, but he caem bak and waz liek 'mastur dare iz still roomz, cum onz.' -- Luke 14 23 master was liek 'ok go out to da roads an de lolcats drivin carz and be liek hey nubz come get dinners, it haz a flavor. -- Luke 14 24 but all deze guyz i invitedz no can taste my flavorz.'" -- Luke 14 25 One time big groop of lolcatz waz with de Jebus. He waz liek -- Luke 14 26 "OK guyz, srsly, u cannot be with me if u givez more cheezburgerz 2 ur fambilee than me. -- Luke 14 27 and if u no carriez ur crozz n stuff den u r no my lolcat. -- Luke 14 28 If u iz liek gonna make cheezburger, maek sure u haz a money b4 u start. -- Luke 14 29 If u no haz a money, den u no can put cheez on after u getz bun, and all lolcats will lol. -- Luke 14 30 'ROFL nub u haz bun but no cheez' dey will sez. -- Luke 14 31 n if liek a king haz 10000 lolcatz but another king haz liek 20000 lolcats, he haz to think if he iz strong enuff b4 fite. -- Luke 14 32 if no strong enuf 4 fite den he send lolcats and lolcats iz liek 'u can haz cheezburgers sur' -- Luke 14 33 Dat iz de way u can b my dissipul. give all u haz." said Jebus. -- Luke 14 34 ok so liek salt haz flavor, but if de salt losez flavorz, den no wai to bring back de flavorz. -- Luke 14 35 Iz badz 4 grounds n 4 manure. iz thrown awayz. Listen if u haz earz. srsly. -- Luke 14 1 Evribodi gotted up an taked him to Pilate. -- Luke 23 2 An dey wuz all "Diz d00d iz makin trubl, interferin wif teh IRS. He evn sez hez a king LOL." -- Luke 23 3 So Pilate wuz liek, "Iz u teh king of teh Jews?"Jesus wuz liek "Yep." -- Luke 23 4 Den Pilate wuz liek "Datz not illegl LOL." -- Luke 23 5 But evriwun wuz all "He haz ben makin trubl all ovr Judea, startin in Galilee." -- Luke 23 6 Pilate wuz "O RLY? Hez from Galilee? -- Luke 23 7 Dat maekz him Herod's problim LOL." So he sended Jesus to Herod. -- Luke 23 8 Herod wuz happi, bcz he had hearded about Jesus an thot he wud do sum trickz -- Luke 23 9 He askted him lotz of kweschnz but Jesus didint sai nothin. -- Luke 23 10 All kineds of peeplz wuz dere insultin him. -- Luke 23 11 Herod an hiz soljrz insulted him too. Dey putted niece clothes on him an sended him back to Pilate. -- Luke 23 12 Herod an Pilate didint liek eech othr bfor, but aftr dat dey maed frendz. -- Luke 23 13 Pilate maed evribodi get togethr, -- Luke 23 14 an he wuz all "U sez dis d00d iz causin trubl but I cant find no proofz. -- Luke 23 15 An Herod cant eithr. I cant giv him teh deth penlti for doin nothin LOL. -- Luke 23 16 So I wil jus taek hiz cookies awai an let him go." -- Luke 23 17 Now u needz to undrstand dat dere wuz a big parti comin up, an at dis parti, Pilate had to let wun of teh priznrz go. -- Luke 23 18 Evribodi wuz all "Let Barabbas go!" -- Luke 23 19 Barabbas wuz a murdrer an he startid a riot too. -- Luke 23 20 Pilate wantid to let Jesus go insted so he wuz liek "Iz u sure?" -- Luke 23 21 But evribodi wuz all "Kill him wif teh cross!" -- Luke 23 22 So Pilate wuz liek "OK thrd tiem. What did dis d00d do rong enniwai? He duzint dezrv teh deth penalti. So i will just taek hiz cookies an let him go hoem k." -- Luke 23 23 But evribodi wuz all "CROSS NOW" -- Luke 23 24 so Pilate sed "k." -- Luke 23 25 He let teh othr d00d go an gaev Jesus to teh crowd. -- Luke 23 26 Whiel dey wuz draggin him awai dey seed Simon from Cyrene an maed him carri teh cross. -- Luke 23 27 Lotz of peepl wuz dere, includin sum ladiez who wuz cryin. -- Luke 23 28 Jesus wuz liek "U shudnt crai for me. U shud crai for urselvz an ur childrin. -- Luke 23 29 Bcz teh tiem wil com when u wil wish u nevr hadded eni childrin at all. -- Luke 23 30 Den" 'u will be liek Mountinz, fall on us!"an hillz, covr us!" ' -- Luke 23 31 If peepl do dis when teh tree iz green, what wil dey do when it iz drai?" -- Luke 23 32 Two othr d00dz wuz dere to be eksekutid. Dey wuz criminalz k. -- Luke 23 33 Dey caem to dis plaec called teh Skull (rock!) an crucified Jesus betwin teh criminalz. -- Luke 23 34 Jesus sed, "Ceiling Cat, forgiv dem, dey duzint know what dey iz doin." An teh guardz playd diec to desied who got Jesus's clothes. -- Luke 23 35 Evribodi maed fun of Jesus. Dey wuz liek "If he is Ceiling Cat's son he shud saev himself." -- Luke 23 36 Teh soljrz wuz liek "LOL" an gaev him vinigar to drink. -- Luke 23 37 Dey wuz liek "If u iz teh king of teh Jews, saev urself." -- Luke 23 38 An dey putted a sien on him dat sed KING OF TEH JEWS LOL. -- Luke 23 39 Wun of teh criminalz wuz bein all rude. -- Luke 23 40 But teh othr wun wuz liek "Izint u afraid of Ceiling Cat? U gotted teh deth penalti too, remembr. -- Luke 23 41 We dizrv it, but Jesus didint do ennithin rong." -- Luke 23 42 Den he wuz liem, "Jesus, remembr me when u getz bak to ur kingdm." -- Luke 23 43 Jesus wuz liek "Todai u wil be wif me in hevn." -- Luke 23 44 It wuz around six an it gotted dark for three hourz, -- Luke 23 45 bcz teh sun stoppted shinin. An teh curten in teh templ wuz torn in half. Dat wuz a mirakl, no wun wuz sharpnin dere clawz on it or nothin. -- Luke 23 46 Jesus wuz all "Ceiling Cat, I sendz mai spirit to u." An den he died:( -- Luke 23 47 The centurion, seeing what had happened, praised God and said, "Surely this was a righteous man." -- Luke 23 48 When all the people who had gathered to witness this sight saw what took place, they beat their breasts and went away. -- Luke 23 49 But all those who knew him, including the women who had followed him from Galilee, stood at a distance, watching these things. -- Luke 23 50 Now there was a man named Joseph, a member of the Council, a good and upright man, -- Luke 23 51 who had not consented to their decision and action. He came from the Judean town of Arimathea and he was waiting for the kingdom of God. -- Luke 23 52 Going to Pilate, he asked for Jesus' body. -- Luke 23 53 Then he took it down, wrapped it in linen cloth and placed it in a tomb cut in the rock, one in which no one had yet been laid. -- Luke 23 54 It was Preparation Day, and the Sabbath was about to begin. -- Luke 23 55 The women who had come with Jesus from Galilee followed Joseph and saw the tomb and how his body was laid in it. -- Luke 23 56 Then they went home and prepared spices and perfumes. But they rested on the Sabbath in obedience to the commandment. -- Luke 23 1 Teh ladiez taked sum catnip to Jesus's tomb. Thatz whear he wuz burid. -- Luke 24 2 Teh stoen in front of it had bin movded, -- Luke 24 3 but when dey wented in teh bodi wuz not dere. -- Luke 24 4 Dey wuz kinda confuzed an dese two d00dz showded up. Dere clothz wuz shini liek lietnin. -- Luke 24 5 Teh ladiez wuz all scareded but teh d00dz wuz liek "Why is u lookin for a livin d00d in teh plaec whaer teh dead d00dz iz LOL. -- Luke 24 6 He iznt here, he got up! He told u he wuz going to. -- Luke 24 7 He wuz liek 'I iz gonna get capshrd bai teh bad guyz an killded on teh cross an com bak to lief on teh thrd dai.' " -- Luke 24 8 Den teh ladiez remembrd an dey wuz liek "We forgotted LOL." -- Luke 24 9 When dey gotted bak dey telld all dis to teh elevn followrz dat wuz left. -- Luke 24 10 Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary who wuz James's mom, an the ladiez who wuz wif dem who tellded teh stori. -- Luke 24 11 But teh d00dz wuz liek "STFU" an didint beleev dem. -- Luke 24 12 Peter at leest wented to teh tomb. He saw teh stripz of cloth dat Jesus had been rappted in an he wuz liek "WTF?" -- Luke 24 13 Dat day a coupl of teh follorz wuz goin to Emmaus. -- Luke 24 14 An talkin about whut had jus happnd, liek u wud expekt. -- Luke 24 15 Whiel dey wuz talkin Jesus comd up, but he uzded majik so dey wudnt recognaiz him, like Gandalf in LOTR LOL. -- Luke 24 17 He wuz liek "What iz u talkin about?"Dey got all sad. -- Luke 24 18 Wun of dem - hiz naem wuz Cleopas - wuz all "U izint from around here, iz u? Bcz u doant know whatz goin on lateli." -- Luke 24 19 "Liek what?" sed Jesus."Liek dere waz dis d00d Jesus," dey sed. -- Luke 24 20 Dey killded him on teh cross -- Luke 24 21 an we wuz hopin he wud saev Israel. Oh an dey killded him three dayz ago. -- Luke 24 22 Plus dis mornin sum of teh ladiez wented to teh tomb. -- Luke 24 23 Dey didn't finded hiz bodi but dey tried to tell us dere wuz anjilz dere sayin he wuz aliev. -- Luke 24 24 Sum of our frendz wented to teh tomb. It wuz empti but dere wuzint enni anjilz dere." -- Luke 24 25 Jesus wuz liek "Foolz u iz actin liek n00bz. -- Luke 24 26 Itz not liek Jesus didint explaen all dis whiel he wuz here." -- Luke 24 27 So he explaended evrithin in the Bible about himself, from teh beginnin. Dey stil didint know who he wuz k. -- Luke 24 28 When dey gotted near Emmaus he pritendid he wuz goin farthr. -- Luke 24 29 But dey wuz all liek "Itz laet, u can stai wif us plz." So he did. -- Luke 24 30 When dey hadded dinnr he taked teh cookies an sed "Thank u Ceiling Cat" an shaerd dem wif evribodi. -- Luke 24 31 Den dey finally recognized him, so he disapperd LOL. -- Luke 24 32 Dey wuz all, "WTF?" -- Luke 24 33 Dey wented straet bak to Jerusalem to teh othr followrz -- Luke 24 34 an wuz liek "Itz true! Jesus iz aliev an Simon seed him." -- Luke 24 35 Dey tellded what had happnd. -- Luke 24 36 OK so de dissiplez iz together, and Jesus is poof appear and liek "Peaz." -- Luke 24 37 They is all liek "hax!" -- Luke 24 38 Jesus iz liek "wtf nubs is me." -- Luke 24 39 Dissiplez is liek "o rly!" and Jesus is liek "ya rly." -- Luke 24 40 Jesus is liek "srlsly guys. chex out my handz and feetz. -- Luke 24 41 Dey still not believe, so Jesus is liek "It can haz be food times now?" -- Luke 24 42 Dissiplez is liek "here haz fish" -- Luke 24 43 Jesus is like "kkthx" and eated teh fish. -- Luke 24 44 Jesus is liek "nubs I told joo. it was writed." -- Luke 24 45 Den Jesus is liek "I open ur minds." -- Luke 24 46 Jesus is liek "srsly. Iz writed teh messiah sufferz and rizez again from teh ded." -- Luke 24 47 "Also preech peez with mah namez." -- Luke 24 48 He is liek "u r all being teh witnesses." -- Luke 24 49 He is liek "I haz presents, but joo needs 2 waits." -- Luke 24 50 Den teh Jesus is liek "come out to Bethany" and he is liek "blessins on joo" -- Luke 24 51 Wile he blesses he is liek go to heaven. srsly. -- Luke 24 52 The disciplez is liek "praise jebus" and goes back to Jerusalems. -- Luke 24 53 Then dey is all liek in teh templez, praisin Ceiling Cat. -- Luke 24 1 In teh beginz is teh cat macro, and teh cat macro sez "Oh hai Ceiling Cat" and teh cat macro iz teh Ceiling Cat. -- John 1 2 Teh cat macro an teh Ceiling Cat iz teh bests frenz in teh begins. -- John 1 3 Him maeks alls teh cookies; no cookies iz maed wifout him. -- John 1 4 Him haz teh liefs, an becuz ov teh liefs teh doodz sez "Oh hay lite." -- John 1 5 Teh lite iz pwns teh darks, but teh darks iz liek "Wtf." -- John 1 6 And teh Ceiling Cat haz dis otehr man; his naem iz John. -- John 1 7 He tellz teh ppl dat teh lites is tehre, so dat teh doodz sez "OMG." or mai b taht shud b "OMCC." -- John 1 8 Him wuz not teh lite; he jsut sez teh lites is tehre. -- John 1 9 Teh tru lite--iz lotz of lite--iz comes, k? -- John 1 10 He iz liek, "Oh hai, I mades u," but teh wurld duznt sees him. -- John 1 11 He iz comes to his stuffs, but his stuffs sez "Do not want!" -- John 1 12 And sum guyz did want, and sez "Teh Ceiling Cat pwns," and deez guyz iz liek his kidz— -- John 1 13 But not liek reel kidz, k? Iz liek teh Ceiling Cats kidz. -- John 1 14 Teh cat macro is becomes Visible Man (omg) and he is lives wif us. We is sees teh glorie taht is frum teh one n only; him come from teh dad wif teh grace and teh truth. -- John 1 15 John is liek "Oh hai" becuz uf him. He sez "OMG tihs guy iz teh one taht is comes after me him iz bettr becuz him comes frst, k?" -- John 1 16 Becuz is a lotz of grayce we can has cheezburgers. -- John 1 17 Moses is liek "Hay I has teh lawz"; Jesus is has teh grayce and teh trooth. -- John 1 18 Ceiling Cat is Invisible, but teh one n only (him is wif Ceiling Cat) is liek "Hay look." -- John 1 19 Jerusalem Sent Levites and Pretchers to John and sez "OMG! Who r u?" -- John 1 20 John says "Me no lyer, not Jesus, Ceiling Cats kitteh" -- John 1 21 They asked him, "Who R u? R u Elijah?" He said, "Omg no!" "R u teh Prophetz?" He sez, "WTF? Omg, No!" -- John 1 1 Onz teh tihrd dayz, some pplz was gettin hitchded in Cana inz Galilee, and Jebuz' momz was there. -- John 2 2 Jebuz and hiz doodz were liek, "Weez comez 2, lol." -- John 2 3 All teh booze got drinkt, and Jebuz' momz was liek, "Tehy gotz no booze. Tihs partee iz teh suck!" -- John 2 4 Jebuz sed to hiz momz, "Woman! STFU! Mai timez iz not comez.(Burn!)" -- John 2 5 But hiz mother wanted teh booze and telled the doodz at teh bar,"He willz makes booze. Does whut he sez to do." -- John 2 6 Nowz, theres waz some bukkitz for washings teh selfs pures. Tehy holded 20-30 gallonz each. -- John 2 7 Jebuz sez, "I gots a plan. Momz wantz booze, she getz booze. Fill teh bukkitz with waterz." And teh doodz fillded themz full. -- John 2 8 He sed to teh doodz, "Takes somez waters to the party dood." Tehy didz it. -- John 2 9 Teh party dood was liek, "Tihs iz teh booze! I lieks tihs booze! Where didz tihs come?" (Teh doodz who broughted teh booze knowd.) Teh party dood wentz to teh pplz gettin hitchded -- John 2 10 and sed, "WTF!? Most doodz gives teh gud booze first, and tehn crappy booze when pplz iz too drunk to care. But tihs booze pwns!" -- John 2 11 Jebuz didded this, teh first of hiz signz, in Cana inz Galilee, and revealded hiz Pwnage; and Jebuz' doodz believed in him. -- John 2 1 Naow dis guy Nicodemus iz a Pharisee and leeds teh Jews. -- John 3 2 He comez to teh Jesus in teh nites and he sez "We knoes u comez frum teh Ceiling Cat and we knoes u pwn." -- John 3 3 An Jesus sed, "Ceiling Cat has invisible haus, u gots 2 borned agen 2 see it." -- John 3 4 Nicodemus sez, "wtf d00d? How doez dat werk?" -- John 3 5 Jesus sez, "is da truth, u hafta be born agen wif waterz an spiritz an stuffs. -- John 3 6 Flesh givez birf 2 flesh, but teh spirit gives birf to spirit, k? -- John 3 7 Y r u so konfoozled? -- John 3 8 Is lyke wind, it doz its own stuffs an u dunno how it werks, but is all ok, amirite? Is like that!" -- John 3 9 Nicodemus sez, "I doez not get it.":( -- John 3 10 "Den ur not gud teecher," sed Jesus. Burn! -- John 3 11 "Ok, iz da twoof. We says sum stuff dat we sawed, and teh peeplez is still konfoozled. -- John 3 12 I ben talkin bout teh stuffs on urf and ur still lyke, 'whut?' so whut bout Ceiling an stuffs? -- John 3 13 I iz da only wan whos gone to Heaven so u haves 2 trusts me, mkay? -- John 3 14 U gots 2 b lifteded up lyke Moses an his snakedy thingy, -- John 3 15 coz if u beleeves ur not gon be ded! Eternal lifes, u can has it! -- John 3 16 So liek teh Ceiling Cat lieks teh ppl lots and he sez 'Oh hai I givez u my only son and ifs u beleevs in him u wont evr diez no moar, k?' -- John 3 17 Cuz teh Ceiling Cat not snd hiz son 2 take all yur cookies, but so u cud maek moar cookies 4EVAR!" -- John 3 1 Teh Dood iz knoes teh Pharsys herd Jesus haz a lots frenz -- John 4 2 (But teh dscpls rly haz teh frenz), -- John 4 3 and so he iz goes frum Judea to teh Galilee. -- John 4 4 He iz goes thruh Samria. -- John 4 5 He iz comes in teh cityz in Samria taht iz calls Sychar, and iz place Jacob iz gives to Jospeh; -- John 4 6 Teh wellz of Joseph iz tehre. Jesus wants to haev teh sleeps and iz sits at teh wellz. Iz liek six-a-clok. -- John 4 7 A Samrtn womun camez to get teh waterz. Jesus sez "I has a thirsty, Can u gimme bukkit?" -- John 4 8 Teh dscpls iz gon in teh cityz to haz sum cheezburgrs. -- John 4 9 Teh Samrtn womun iz liek "OMG I iz a Samrtn and u iz a Jew and u sez u wants mah bukkit? lol." (teh Jews and teh Samrtns iz not frenz no moar, remmiber?.) -- John 4 10 Jesus is liek, "Ifs u knoes teh Ceiling Cat's presnts and ifs u knoes who I iz taht sez 'gimmie bukkit', then u wud has a thirsty and he wud gives u sum waterz of teh lifes." -- John 4 11 Teh womun sez, "WTF? -- John 4 12 "Teh well iz Jacobs and him gives water to teh baybeez and teh cawes taht moooes and u iz not goode liek him." -- John 4 13 "Jesus sayed, "Ifs u drinks theez waterz, u has a thirsty forevr; -- John 4 14 "but ifs u drinks teh waterz of teh lifes, u no has teh thirsty no moar; teh waterz of teh lifes iz makes u haz teh lifes forevr, k?" -- John 4 15 Teh womun sayed "K naow I rly has a thirsty; I can haz teh waterz of teh lifes plz?" -- John 4 16 Jesus sez, "Teh husbnd--bring him to me." -- John 4 17 Teh woman sez, "I no haz teh husbnd." Jesus sez, "Srsly, u no haz teh husbnd; -- John 4 18 "u just haz a lotz teh sex and u haz teh man, but iz no husbnd. Srsly." -- John 4 19 Teh womun sez "OMG, u iz teh profets. -- John 4 20 "Teh dadz lieks theez mowntins to sez to teh Ceiling Cat 'Oh, hai' but u ppl sez taht u can only sez 'Oh hai' in Jerusalem. WTF?" -- John 4 21 Jesus sez "K lissen, tiem iz comes taht ppl duznt sez in theez mowntins or in Jerusalem 'Oh hai Ceiling Cat.' -- John 4 22 "U sez 'Oh hai' but u duznt knoes; teh Jews knoes and teh Jews pwn. -- John 4 23 "Teh tiem comes--jk, teh tiem iz naow lol--taht ppl can sez 'Oh hai' juss by teh self becuz teh Ceiling Cat lieks thoz ppl. -- John 4 24 "Teh Ceiling Cat is invisible, and teh ppl taht sez 'Oh hai' shuld sez 'Oh hai' wif teh invisible stuffs." -- John 4 25 Teh womun sez "OK so liek u knoes teh Dood taht iz comes, teh Christ, he will sez a lotz of stuffs." -- John 4 26 Jesus sez "lol I iz teh Dood." -- John 4 27 Teh dscpls comes and tehy iz liek "OMG" becuz Jesus iz talks to teh Samrtn womun and teh otehr Samrtn ppl wer liek "Srsly, whatevr." -- John 4 28 So teh womun sez to teh waterz "Do not want!" and goes to teh cityz and sez, -- John 4 29 "Oh hai, soem guy sez teh stuffs taht I does; it iz teh Dood?" -- John 4 30 So teh ppls comes to sees Jesus. -- John 4 31 Teh dscpls r liek "Srsly Jesus, u can haz cheezburgr." -- John 4 32 But Jesus sez "I haz sum foods and I eated it, k? And u guyz r probly violatin teh kosher lawz." -- John 4 33 And teh dscpls iz liek "WTF? How does he haz teh foods?" -- John 4 34 Jesus sez, "Mah foods is to does teh stuffs taht Ceiling Cat sez. -- John 4 35 "Duznt u sez, 'Hay, iz sum tiem, and ltr teh foods iz comes'? Srsly, u looks aroun, teh foods iz evrywhr. -- John 4 36 "Ifs u gets teh foods, u haz teh foods forevr and evr and evryone iz teh frenz, k? -- John 4 37 "Liek, 'one guy iz makes teh foods, and teh otehr gets teh foods.' -- John 4 38 "I haz sez to u, 'Hay, go gets teh foods naow plz' and u duznt gets teh foods; teh otehr ppl just gets teh foods fore u." -- John 4 1 Afterwurds Jesus ceam backz at Jerusalem an wuz attending jewie holidays lol -- John 5 2 in teh cities, near teh Sheep Gate, wuz teh pewl of Bethesda (not teh game developer lolz) -- John 5 3 Bunchez of sick ppls wuz layin' in ur porches, waitin' for teh healingz -- John 5 4 fur an angels of teh Ceiling Cat ceam frum tiem to tiem and stirrred up teh water, and teh first sick ppl to get in wuz healsded -- John 5 5 Wun of uv teh mans wuz sik fur thirty eight yeers -- John 5 6 When Jesus saw him he knowed he wus ill for long tiem, he asked him "rofl, would u liek to get wells??" -- John 5 7 The sick dood wuz leik "wtf, I cant" -- John 5 8 Jesus wuz like "Stand up, get ur sleepin matz, and walk1!!!1" -- John 5 9 And teh man rolled up teh sleepin' matz and walked!!111! But this miracles happnd on teh sabbth days. -- John 5 10 So teh jewie leaders wuz liek "u can't wurk, put down ur sleepin' matz" -- John 5 11 And teh man wuz liek "no wai, teh man who wus healin' me for this wuz liek 'pick up ur mat and walk!!1!1'" -- John 5 12 "wtf said that?" they asked -- John 5 13 Teh man wus liek "he wus gone! INVISIBLE HEALER." -- John 5 1 Afturwurdz, Jesus cross'd teh Sea of Gallilee. -- John 6 2 lotza kittehs went too cuz dey see's teh mrkls He dun. -- John 6 3 Jesus went up on teh mountn n sat dwn wit hiz homiez. -- John 6 4 Teh jooz chzbrgr feist wuz cominz up -- John 6 5 Jesus saw lotza kittehs comin n sez to Phillip, "We gonna need mor chzbrgrz!" -- John 6 6 but Jesus sez dis as test cuz he no'd wut waz comin. -- John 6 7 Phillip sed, "200 daze of chzbrgr makin wudn't be enuff to feed all teh kittehs even a little." -- John 6 8 One of teh hommiez, Andrew, the brudduh o Simon Peter, sez, -- John 6 9 "There iz tom-kitteh wit five chzbrgrz n two tuna; but wut good dis do?" -- John 6 10 Jesus sez, "Tell them to chillz." N all teh kittehs chill'd on teh grassiez. -- John 6 11 Jesus took teh chzbrgrz, sed thx to ceiling cat, and handed teh chzbrgrz to teh chillin' kittehs, also teh tuna. -- John 6 12 When teh kittehs were purrin', he ses to His homiez, "Get teh leftover chzbrgrz so nuthin be waisted. kthx." -- John 6 13 So Jesus' homies got teh leftovers, and fill'd twelve baskets wit leftovers dat came from teh five chzbrgrz dat wuz more din dey cud eatz. -- John 6 14 When teh kittehs see teh mrkle he dun, they sez, "Dat must b teh Profit hoo come into teh wrld." -- John 6 15 Jesus knowed teh kittehz wus going to come and takz Him n makz Him king, so He scat. -- John 6 16 nite came and the hommiez went dwn to teh sea, -- John 6 17 Teh left in a boat, goed cross teh sea to Capernaum. It wuz dark, n Jesus wuz still gonz. -- John 6 18 Teh sea wuz dancin n shakin cuz teh wind wuz goin craziez! -- John 6 19 Teh homiez see'd Jesus walkin on teh water! OMGWTF? Teh homiez wuz skeered! -- John 6 20 Jesus sez to hiz homiez, "Don't be skeered! srsly!" -- John 6 21 Teh homies told Jesus to git in teh boat, but teh boat wuz at teh shor alredy. -- John 6 22 Teh next day, der wuz lotza kittehs still over the sea dat see'd dat there wuz only one boat, but Jesus didn't go wit his homiez in teh boat, only teh homiez wuz gone. -- John 6 23 Sum boats come from Tiberias ware dey ate teh chzbrgrz wen Jesus sed thx to ceiling cat. -- John 6 24 Teh kittehz see'd dat Jesus n hiz homiez wuzzint there, dey demselves got into boats n came to Capernaum lookin for Jesus. -- John 6 25 And when teh kittehz see'd him 'cross teh sea dey sez to Him, "Dude, how'd u do dat?" -- John 6 26 Jesus sed, "Kittehz! U r not lookin for meh cuz you see'd teh mrklz, but cuz u want teh chzbrgrz! -- John 6 27 Don't purr for teh chzburgrz, but for teh cookies dat offer mor din 9 livez, dat teh Son of Catz givz to u. Ceiling cat sez Him goodz stuffz." -- John 6 28 So dey sez to Him, "Wut we kin do dat make ceiling cat purrz?" -- John 6 29 Jesus sed, "Dis b it, beleev in teh one He sent." -- John 6 30 So din dey sed, "Wut mrkl u do, dat we cud beleev in u? Wut kin u do? -- John 6 31 Teh momcatz n tomcatz eated cookiez in teh desert, as teh skrptur sez: 'He givz dem cookiez from teh ceiling.'" -- John 6 32 So Jebus sed, "Kittehs! dat wuzn't Moses! Dat wuz ceiling cat dat givz u cookiez from teh ceiling!" -- John 6 33 Teh cookiez from teh ceiling cat r dose dat comez from teh ceiling n gives even more din 9lives to teh kittehs." -- John 6 34 So dey sed Him, "D00d, givz us deez cookiez! srsly!" -- John 6 35 Jebus sed, "I iz deez cookiez, dose dat beleevs will neverz b witout chzbrgrz n creamz in ur saucerz. -- John 6 36 But I toldz u dat even tho u see'd meh, u don't beleev. -- John 6 37 Everytin dat ceiling cat givz meh I gotz, n I won't reject dose dat comz to me, -- John 6 38 For Iz comz down from teh Ceiling, not for mah own flavrs, but for ceiling cat's flavrs. -- John 6 39 N dis iz teh will of ceiling cat hoo sent me, dat I shudn't luze anytin dat he givz meh, but dat I shud raiz it in teh end. -- John 6 40 For dis is wut teh ceiling cat wantz, that everywun hoo seez teh Son and beleevz in Him getz even more din 9lives, and I will raiz Him in teh end. -- John 6 41 Teh Joo kittehs hissed at Him cuz He sez, "I iz deez cookiez from teh ceiling." -- John 6 42 N dey sed "Iz dis not Jesus, teh son of Joseph? I no hiz mommacat and tomcat! Din how he sez, 'I comz from teh ceiling?'" -- John 6 43 Jebus sed, "Stop hissing at meh! -- John 6 44 No wun kin comz to meh lest Ceiling cat hoo sint meh sez so, n I b raizin him in teh end. -- John 6 45 It b dare in teh profits: 'Ceiling cat wud teech dem' dose dat hear ceiling cat n lurnz from Him comz to meh. -- John 6 46 Kittehs can't seez ceiling cat, tho. Only teh one who is from teh ceiling can seez ceiling cat. -- John 6 47 Kittehs! dose dat beleevs haz even more din 9lives! -- John 6 48 I am teh cookiez dat offer even more din 9lives. -- John 6 49 Momcatz n Tomcatz eatz chzbrgrz in teh desert n died. -- John 6 50 Dis is teh cookiez from teh ceiling so dat kittehs cud eat it and haz even more din 9lives. -- John 6 51 I iz teh cookiez from teh ceiling; dose dat eat dis cooki haz even more din 9lives. N teh cookiez I givz iz mai flesh for teh litez of teh wrld. -- John 6 52 Teh jooz hissed at eech other n sed, "How kin dis kitteh givz us hiz flesh to eatz?!? WTF?" -- John 6 53 Jebus sed to dem, "Kittehs! Dis is wut u needz to do! U must eatz my flesh n drinkz mai bloodz or u haz less din 9lives, you haz no lives! -- John 6 54 Dose dat eat mai flesh n drinkz mai bloodz haz even mor din 9lives, n I wud raiz him in teh end. -- John 6 55 Mai flesh iz true cookiez n mai bloodz iz true cream. -- John 6 56 Dose dat eat mai flesh n drinkz mai bloodz staiz wit meh n meh wit him. -- John 6 57 Just as teh Ceiling Cat sint meh n I haz lifz becuz of ceiling cat, so duz dose hoo feedz on meh wud haz lifz becuz of meh. -- John 6 58 Dis is teh cookiez dat comz down from teh ceiling. Not like momcat and tomcat hoo eatz n dize, dose hoo eatz dis cooki livz forever. -- John 6 59 Dis was all sed at teh synagogue at Capernaum. -- John 6 60 Teh homiez wuz dare and sed, "WTF? Dis iz diffrnt! Hoo kin hang?" -- John 6 61 Jebus noo his homiez wuz hissing 'bout dis. He sez, "Homiez! Dis ain't new! -- John 6 62 Wut if u see'd teh Son of Catz rize up to teh ceiling? -- John 6 63 It iz teh ghostcat givz lifz, teh flesh don't mattrz! Teh wrds I sed iz sprit n lifz. -- John 6 64 But dare r kittehz dat don't beleev." Jesus noo dat the kittiez dat didn't beleev wud betryz him. -- John 6 65 He sez, "Dis b wy I sez nun kin comz to me lest ceiling cat sez so." -- John 6 66 Lotza kittehs scatz n didn't comz bak. -- John 6 67 Jebus sed to hiz homiez, "Do u wantz to scatz?" -- John 6 68 Simon Peter sed to Him, "D00d, wherz we go? U iz teh cookiez of lifz. -- John 6 69 We beleevz u iz teh wun Ceiling cat sez is goodz stuffz. srsly." -- John 6 70 Jebus sez, "Did I not chooz u twelve? Iz not wun of u a devilcatz?" -- John 6 71 Jebus wuz talkinz 'bout Judas, teh wun hoo beetrayz him, wun of teh twelve. -- John 6 1 So Jesus waz liek go to Galalee b/c lolcats do not want in Judea. -- John 7 2 It can waz be festavul tiem thare in teh Judea -- John 7 3 So Jesus waz liek "OK guyz u go f'real. -- John 7 4 Jesus waz liek "no invisible bikes, tell da world so day know bout joo." -- John 7 5 (Hiz brotherz waz liek ya right Jesus.) -- John 7 6 So n e wai, Jesus waz liek "not my time yet, but it alwayz can be ur time. -- John 7 7 lolcats no liek me, but day liek u. -- John 7 8 U go, I stay home and play WoW or sumthin." De disciples waz liek "wtf u nerd." -- John 7 9 But Jesus sed diz and stayed in teh galilee. -- John 7 10 OK So Jesus cat's brudders go ta fastivul, and den Jesus go but he go on an invisible bike so he secret. -- John 7 11 Teh Jue-ish leederz waz liek "Ware he go?" -- John 7 12 In teh crowd day was like "we liek, he haz flavor" and others waz liek "do not want." -- John 7 13 But dey all talk in secret b/c jew leederz no want. -- John 7 14 so teh festivul is almost overs when Jesus start talkings. -- John 7 15 teh jew leaderz iz liek "wtf? he no go to skool but he still smartcat!" -- John 7 16 Jesus waz liek "I dun teech my own stuffs. I teech Ceiling Cat's teechingz. -- John 7 17 U duz wat Ceiling Cat wants and then u no I come from teh Ceiling Cat. -- John 7 18 U talk on own authoritai and joo haz greedz. Jo want gloree for teh Ceiling Cat and u be onnest. -- John 7 19 Moses cat gived u law 4 reezon. Y u no obay teh law? Y u want kill me?" -- John 7 20 teh crowd was liek "U haz demonz! Who tries to keel j00?" -- John 7 21 Jesus was liek "I does 1 miracul and u all is liek 'wtf.' -- John 7 22 Moses was liek 'circumsize' so u does circumsize on caturday. -- John 7 23 If u circumsizes on caturday, y u haz mad I heelz lolcats on caturday? -- John 7 24 U judje by external standurds. Stop beeing nub and judge by internals. srsly." -- John 7 25 So sum of teh lolcats in Jerusalem waz liek "Hey teh authoriteez want dat cat in bucket! -- John 7 26 srsly! He talks to other lolcats in publik and nobody puts him in buckit! He really is haz be messiah? -- John 7 27 Wait no wai. No1 knows ware messiah from. we no ware dis lolcat from." -- John 7 28 But den Jesus liek "no wai n00bs! u dun know me! I come on Ceiling Cat's authority! U no know Ceiling Cat, -- John 7 29 but I know Ceiling cat. I come from hiz hole and he send me to watch u masturbates." -- John 7 30 Then dey waz liek try to put him in bucket but it no work because was no hiz time. -- John 7 31 But some lolcats waz liek "omg he perform more miracles den teh messiah maybe!" -- John 7 32 so liek teh Fairsees are liek hear teh crowd whispers and dey liek send guards go puts Jebus in a bucket. -- John 7 33 Jesus like "gtg soon guyz parents sry." -- John 7 34 He liek "U looks 4 meh but cant find meh b/c I iz somewarez u cant come so there. -- John 7 35 Teh Pharisees is liek "OMG where he going 2? Greek? He teech Greekz? -- John 7 36 He sez we looks but no findz. What dat mean? Pharisee cats confoozled. -- John 7 37 So Jesus at a festval and he liek "hey u thirsty come drink -- John 7 38 b/c I haz flavor. Scripturz sez streams of water flow from his sidez." -- John 7 39 Jesus sez u want, u drinkz, u do not want, u do not drink. But rite then Jesus no had water 2 giev b/c Jesus no was rized to glory. -- John 7 40 lolcats in de crowd waz liek "OMG he'z teh profit!" -- John 7 41 other lolcats waz liek "no wai! he teh messiuh!" but then other lolcats was liek "no wai! messiuh no comez from Galilee! -- John 7 42 he comez from teh Bethlehem b/c dat ware David from. nubs." -- John 7 43 So srsly was lotz of divizion and no sharing of cheezburgers in crowd. -- John 7 44 some lolcats was liek "put him in bucket!" but no one dun it. -- John 7 45 So teh guards came back and teh Pharisees was liek "WTF! He not in bucket!" -- John 7 46 And teh guards was liek "he talk differents from teh others!" -- John 7 47 the Pharisees was like "nubs! u get trixed too?" -- John 7 48 "srsly guys. We no beleeve him. U must no beleeve him! -- John 7 49 just cuz dese lolcats DO NOT WANT teh law, Ceiling Cat hatez dem!" -- John 7 50 But a Pharisee called Nicodemus waz like had gone to see teh Jesus. He waz liek -- John 7 51 "Guyz wait! We no can condemn b4 trial." -- John 7 52 But de othur Pharisees waz liek "U nub. No profits from Galilee." -- John 7 1 An as JebusCat pasd by, he saw man which wuz blind frum his birf. -- John 9 2 An his disciplez askd him, sayin, mastah, hoo did sin, dis man, or his parents, dat he wuz birfd blind? -- John 9 3 JebusCat anzwerd, neithr dis man sinnd, nor his parents: but dat teh werkz ov Ceilin Cat shud be made manifest in him. -- John 9 4 I must werk teh werkz ov him dat sent me, while it dai: teh nite comez, when no man can werk. -- John 9 5 As long as im in da wurld, I r light ov teh wurld. -- John 9 6 When he had sed dat, he spat hairball on teh ground, an made clay ov teh spittle, an he anointd teh eyez ov teh blind man wif teh clay, -- John 9 7 an sed unto him, go, wash in da pool ov Siloam, (which iz by interpretashun, sent.) He went his wai, an washd, an came seein. Rad. -- John 9 8 Teh neighbors, an they which before had seen him dat he wuz blind, sed, WTF? Iz not dis he dat sat an beggd? -- John 9 9 Sum sed, dis ar teh he: others sed, he iz liek him: but he sed, im he! -- John 9 10 Therefore sed they unto him, OMG, How wuz ur eyez opend? -- John 9 11 He anzwerd and sed, Man dat iz called JebusCat made clay, an anontd mine eyez, an sed 2 me go 2 teh pool ov Siloam, an wash: An I went an washd, an I receivd sight. -- John 9 12 Den sed they 2 him, wer iz he? He sed, I knoe not. -- John 9 13 They brought 2 teh Fariseez him dat wuz blind. -- John 9 14 An it wuz teh sabbath dai when JebusCat made teh clay, an opend his eyez. -- John 9 15 Den again teh Fariseez also askd him how he had receivd his sight. He sed 2 them, he put clay on mine eyez, an I wash, an do C. -- John 9 16 Therefore sed sum ov teh Fariseez, dis man iz not ov Ceilin Cat, cuz he keepz not teh sabbath dai. Others sed, how can man dat iz sinnr do such miraclez? An thar wuz divishun among them. -- John 9 17 They sayz 2 teh blind man again, wut sayz u ov him, dat he opend ur eyez? He sed, he iz profet. He pwnz. -- John 9 18 But teh JewCats did not bleev concernin him, dat he had been blind, an receivd his sight, til they calld teh parents ov him dat had receivd his sight. -- John 9 19 An they askd them, sayin, doodz, iz dis ur son, hoo ye say wuz born blind? WTF? How den duz he nao C? -- John 9 20 His parents anzwerd dem an sed, we knoe dat dis ar teh r son, an dat he wuz born blind: -- John 9 21 But by wut meanz he nao seez, we knoe not; or hoo haz opend his eyez, we knoe not: he iz ov age; ask him: he shall speek 4 him. -- John 9 22 Thees werdz spaek his parents, cuz they feard teh JewCats: 4 da JewCats had agred already, dat if any man did confes dat he wuz Christ, he shud be put out ov teh synagogue an cant has cheezburger. -- John 9 23 Therefore sed his parents, he iz ov age, ask him. -- John 9 24 Den again calld they teh man dat wuz blind, an sed unto him, giv Ceilin Cat teh praize: we knoe dat dis man iz sinnr. -- John 9 25 He anzwerd an sed, whethr he be sinnr or no, I knoe not: wan ting I knoe, dat, I wuz blind, nao I C. Word. -- John 9 1 jeesus say "k guys i is for serious, if u in sheepzone and u no go through door, u is steeler. -- John 10 2 but if u can has enter through sheepzone door, is ur sheepzone. -- John 10 3 cuz that means sheepzone doorman see u and all ur sheepses hear u. cuz u give sheepses names and take them from sheepzone -- John 10 4 and so the sheepses hear name and follow because is sheepszone guy an hears like sheepzone guy. -- John 10 5 but if is not sheepzone guy is no follow becaus is no sheepzone guy and is no hear like sheepzone guy so sheepses run away from no sheepzone guy." -- John 10 6 so jeesus say "hai guys is metaphor, rite?" but the peepoles like "is sheep, or not sheep? do not want." -- John 10 33 Den Cheesus saweded her cryin an teh Jews dat com wit her wer also cryin and Cheesus wuz all sadz and stufs. -- John 11 34 "Wer did yu lai him?" Cheesus askeded. -- John 11 35 Cheesus crieded. Not jus litle teers, no. he crieded big teers. Cuz Lazarus was ded an stufs an everywun luved him, even Cheesus. Cheesus trieded to wipe his teers awai wit his pawz but teh teers kept comin and comin and everywun saweded that as dey were cryin too. Everywun was cryin an sad. Yesh. Srsly. Yu mite criez too! It's okai, cryin is okay. Everywun can criez. Cheesus wepted. -- John 11 36 An teh Jews sawded this an sed, "See! He luffs hum too!" -- John 11 41 So they moved teh stone. And Cheesus looked up and sed, "Thanx fur listnin', Ceiling Cat!. -- John 11 42 I know you heerz me, but dese peeps hangin' round don't belief in me. Ima show 'em." -- John 11 43 He sed dese tings, den he yelleded: "Oh hai! I upgraded ur Lazarus!". -- John 11 1 "No gots 2 wori, K? Gots ta trust in Ceiling Cat; also gots ta trust in me. Fadda's house got many roomz; kitteh woud no lie! I go 2 fix u rom k?" -- John 14 6 Jebus say "oh hai. i m teh way n teh truf n teh life. no can has cheezburger wif teh Fadda wifout me." -- John 14 1 I iz tr00 vine, an mai father iz husbandsman -- John 15 2 All mai branches which do not has fr00t he DO NOT WANT: and evry branch that has a fruit, he eatz it so it steeelz moar fr00t. -- John 15 3 Now j00 has had a baff cuz i jus said that -- John 15 4 J00 likes me and I likes you. Teh_branch cannot has fruit, unless it likes teh vine, who is rly me, srsly, an you can't has fruit either unless j00 likes me and let me watch you masturbate. -- John 15 5 I iz vine, you iz branchz0rz. When we watch each other masturbate it bringz moar fr00tz, but without me they be in ur vine stealing ur fruitz. -- John 15 6 If you no like me, then u iz gun be burned by huymanz. -- John 15 7 If you do, you has a plushie and catnip and all other things you DO WANT. -- John 15 8 I luff mai father, so you iz bringin moar fr00tz, and you be mai kittehz -- John 15 9 As Ceiling Cat has <3 me, so I <3 j00 an bring moar testiclz -- John 15 24 Naow Thomas teh dscpl wuznt wiht teh otehr dscpls wen Jesus camez. -- John 20 25 Teh otehr dscpls sayed "OMG we haz sawed teh Dood!" But Thomas sayed "His wounz--show them to me." -- John 20 26 Ltr, teh dscpls iz in teh hous wif Thomas. Teh doorz iz lockded, but Jesus waz liek "Oh hai!" -- John 20 27 And Jesus sayed "My wounz--let me show u them. Srsly, stfu." -- John 20 28 And Thomas sayed "OMG, OMG!" -- John 20 29 Jesus sez to him "Becuz u seez me and beleevs, iz goode; but iz moar bettr ifs sumone duznt seez me but stil beleevs." -- John 20 30 BTW: Jesus haz does a lotz moar of teh otehr stuffs, and I rites tehm downd, but I eated tehm. -- John 20 31 But I dint eated theez stuffs, so u kin beleev Jesus and hav teh lifes, k? -- John 20 15 Aftr tehy haz teh eats, Jesus sez to Simon Peter "Does u loves me moar thn tihs stuffs?" and he sez "yah lol." and Jesus sez "Mah lamz can haz cheezburgrs." -- John 21 16 And Jesus sez gen "Hay Simon, does u loves me?" and he sez "um yah omg." and Jesus sez "Mah sheepz can haz cheezburgrs." -- John 21 17 And Jesus sez one moar tiem "Does u loves me? Srsly?" and Peter iz liek WTF? becuz Jesus sayed "Does u loves me" gen and he sez "u knoes evrything, srsly, I loves u." and Jesus sez "Moar cheezburgrs. -- John 21 18 "Srsly, srsly, when u waz teh kittehns, u haz teh cloths and u goes to teh placez; u will haz teh olds and sumone elsz haz teh cloths fore u and tehy sez 'U goes here naow, k?' and u sez 'Do not want!' but u goes tehre neways." -- John 21 19 And he sayed teh stuffs becuz tahts haow he diez becuz teh Ceiling Cat pwns. And aftr he sayed teh stuffs he sez "Hay guyz, u follows me, k?" -- John 21 1 K so dis iz seccand book 'bout teh Jesus. furst waz Luke, dis iz Acks, k? -- Acts 1 2 So Jesus wnt up to teh hevuns after tellin teh apossels "Oh hai, go preech, kthxbai" -- Acts 1 3 Cuz, srsly, he rose from teh ded, srsly, and he waz here 4 liek siks wekes goin ceilings grate. -- Acts 1 4 He waz liek "Oh hai, guyz, stai in Jerusalem 4 a wile, k? Mah dad has sumthin 4 u -- Acts 1 5 Iz not water, iz HoverCat, k?" -- Acts 1 6 So aposells wer liek "D00d, r u gonna maek Israel has cookie again?" -- Acts 1 7 An Jesus wuz liek "IDK but mah dad noes teh stuff -- Acts 1 8 And u guyz gonna get teh HoverCat and preech bout me all ovar teh urths, srsly." -- Acts 1 9 After he sed this stuff he went to teh hole in ceiling on invisible escowlator. omg hax!. -- Acts 1 10 An teh oder kitties were all starin, srsly! Cuz dis dude jus lik wen up into teh ceiling! Holey moley! Two menz wit white fir wer all der sudenly. Where did dey com frum?! -- Acts 1 11 "Oh hai! Yo kittehs ov Galilee," dey said togethurz, which wuz creepy and stufs, srsly, "why j00 bein stoopid an starin up in deh ceilin? Dude, teh Jesus can has returns, rly! He wil com down teh invisible escowlator!" -- Acts 1 12 Den dey got boreded and tireded cuz lookin at teh ceilin a long time hurt da neckz. Dey has got to Jerusalem frum the Mount of Olives, wich are icky green plantz and stufs. -- Acts 1 13 Wen dey get ther dey go up teh stares an go into a room. Peter wuz ther, John wuz ther, James an Andrew wuz ther, Philip an Thomas wuz ther, BartholeMEW an Matthew wuz ther, James (not teh Jesus broder! lols) and Simon (he wuz a bit zelus) wuz ther, an Judas wuz ther. Wai!!! Judas!? How he get ther? Oh! not dat Judas, sry, it wuz the son of James (I dun no wich James). Dey were all in teh roomz, crowdin teh spaces. -- Acts 1 14 Dey went togetherz and tey all praid. Lotz. Srsly. Cuz Jesus wuz all up in teh ceilin now. omg, even Mary and teh wiminz praid to! -- Acts 1 15 Den Peter stood up wit everywun In those days Peter stood up among the believers (a group numbering about a hundred and twenty) -- Acts 1 16 an he sed, "Broders, u kno wen teh Jesus wen up into teh Ceilin wit teh invisible escowlator? Well, deh HovrCat wuz in teh mouf of David, fulfillin teh profisy bout Judas (dat batrayer!). Srsly. -- Acts 1 17 He yused to be wun of us! Rly! We shareded cookiez wit him. -- Acts 1 18 Becuz Judas wuz meen and takeded Jesus to teh offisers, he getz monees, and wit dat monees he has a feeld. In teh feeld he felded ovah and EWWWW! All his wiggly insides felded out! Gross, k? -- Acts 1 19 Den everywun hurd about dis an they has a funney name for dat feeld, its caled Akeldama, an dat jus meens 'Feeld ov Blud.' -- Acts 1 20 An it iz witten, -- Acts 1 21 Now we haz to fulfil profisy too an pick somwun else to leed. k? Now dun push, we gunna pick dat persun. -- Acts 1 22 Dis persun has be wit Jesus frum teh beginin. ok? All teh way to teh time he get beeted and put on teh cross. Srsly. An he had to see Jesus go to teh ceilin. You got all dat?" -- Acts 1 23 Den dey chosed two men. Joseph wuz all, "Ooh! Ooh! Pick Barsabbas. but dat is hard to say, so pick Justus. Dat is hiz oder name. Ooh! But Mattias is cool too. k. We pick wun of dem, kk?" -- Acts 1 24 So den tey praid, "Ceiling Cat, yu know peoplez harts and you pick da next guy, plz? -- Acts 1 25 Yu kno he gunna take ovah da ministree, which dat batrayer left to dah bad place." -- Acts 1 26 But insted of waitin for Ceiling Cat dey jus draw straws. Matthias winz! Yay! -- Acts 1 1 Wen teh day of teh Pentecost came, tey wer all tewgedder in wun plase. -- Acts 2 2 OMG! Lowd noysez frum abuv! Teh noyse sounded like teh big windz frum teh ceilin, lol. -- Acts 2 3 Den litle fire thing com frum teh air and omg it burnz! it burnz! Oh wait, no it dont! -- Acts 2 4 An HovrCat filded dem all an dey all speek funny, lik "I do say sir, what have we got here? I do believe there are tongues of fire-like substance coming upon our heads and making us speak in quite the funniest way." wtf iz wit dat? -- Acts 2 5 Dey were stayin in teh city of Jerusalem wher many kittehs frum all ovah cam to be fraid of teh Ceiling Cat. -- Acts 2 6 Wen tey hurd dis sownd a crowd com and was all "wtf" cuz teh oder kittehs were all speakin' funnie. -- Acts 2 7 Dey wer amezed and they were lik, "Deez men are frum Gallilee, no? -- Acts 2 8 Why do dey speek so funnie? Lik, in our langwishes and stufs! Srsly! -- Acts 2 9 Parthians, an Medes an Elamites; an kittehs frum Mesopotamia, Judea an cappadocia, an Pontus an Asia, -- Acts 2 10 an Phrygia an Pamphylia, an Egypt an teh partz of teh Libya neer Cyrene. Der were also kittehs frum Rome! -- Acts 2 11 both teh Jews and teh kittehs who now follow teh Ceiling Cat frum Cretans and Arabic cowntries, hear teh kittehs speakin in der own langishes! Wtf? -- Acts 2 12 WAI DO THEY SPEEK DIS WAY?!?! WAI?" -- Acts 2 13 And sum kittehs say "lolz, tey had toooo much catnipz!" -- Acts 2 14 Den Peter stowd up wit teh eleven an sed to teh cwowd: "Oh hai! -- Acts 2 15 Weez not drunk sillee! It be nine, DO NOT WANT! -- Acts 2 16 U know wut Joel teh pwofit sez? Wel I tell yu: -- Acts 2 17 'In teh last daiz, Ceiling Cat sez,Im in ur urthz, puurin teh spiritz on all kittehs,Ur suns and doters can has profisies,Ur yung kittehs can has fun time in teh eyez!Ur old kittehs can has fun time in teh branez! -- Acts 2 18 Yo!I can has be puttin my spiritz on even teh servents! RLY!And dey can has profisies. -- Acts 2 19 Iz gunna show u all ov teh fun stuffs up in teh Ceilin, srsly.Oh! Yeh! Iz almos can has no memowies. Iz awso gunna show fun stuffz on teh urthz.Oh wate, dos not fun! Urthz can has firez an smoke. Kawf! Kawf! DO NOT WANT! -- Acts 2 20 Teh big day staw, no moar!An teh moon can has be all blud and stuffz. Yuk!but den Jesus can has be back! Yayz! -- Acts 2 21 An evewywun who be like "Jesus!" can has cheezburger! Rly!' -- Acts 2 22 Hey kittehs of teh Israel, lissen to dis: Jesus wuz of Ceiling Cat, srsly. He dids ALL teh cool stuffz an stuff. -- Acts 2 23 An den yu kill him, rly. -- Acts 2 24 But den Ceiling Cat browt him bac! He can has teh powah! Deths... wuz dat? lol. -- Acts 2 25 Dis iz wut David sed:'Ceiling Cat alwayz be wit me, kinda creepy -- Acts 2 26 but oober asum! -- Acts 2 27 Cuz u no leev me 4 woomun, Ceiling Cat, even if her chesticlz be hyoooooj!! -- Acts 2 28 You teechz me 2 not suck' -- Acts 2 29 Bruddas,I can has wordz that teh David... he is ded. -- Acts 2 30 But he wuz a profet, srsly. Ceiling Cat sed dat his kittehs one day be on teh thronez. -- Acts 2 31 Den Ceiling Cat wuz all sayin about Baby Jesus raisen frum teh ded! -- Acts 2 32 Baby Jesus wuz all bac from the ded, yu kno dis. Yu saweded! -- Acts 2 33 Now Baby Jesus is in teh Ceiling, sittin wif Ceiling Cat. -- Acts 2 34 Nao David, he can has no asenswion to teh Ceiling, but he sed,Teh Lord sed to mai Lord:Sit wit me. -- Acts 2 35 I pwnzor ur enimes! Srsly.' -- Acts 2 36 "Yo! Lissen! Ceiling Cat madeded Baby Jesus, whom yu makez ded (lols), like teh Ceiling Cat." -- Acts 2 37 Den teh oddah kittehs mewed and beez lik, "omfg! Wut can has we be doin?" -- Acts 2 38 Peter sed, "Go get teh baptizeded in teh name of Baby Jesus, lol, an yu can has no mor Invisible Errorz! Den yu can has HovrCat in yu! -- Acts 2 39 Even ur kittenz can has dis. Even dos dat ar all far awai and stufz." -- Acts 2 40 Den Peter beez all mean and scoldeded dem for awhilz; den he wuz all, "Sav urself! You can no has corupts generyashun! DO NO WANT!" -- Acts 2 41 Ovah tree tousund kittehs can has baptizm! -- Acts 2 42 Den dey gotz cookiez an dey praid and lissen to teh oder kittehs -- Acts 2 43 Everywun wuz all happeh and teh apawsles didz a majic sho, srsly. -- Acts 2 44 An dey wer all frenz, lol. -- Acts 2 45 Dey sell stuffz like blanketz and oder stuffz, an dey giv stufz to poor kittehz. -- Acts 2 46 Evewy day dey met an went an had sleep ovahs and slumbah partayz an dey eated cookiez! -- Acts 2 47 Dey worshipz Ceiling Cat an den he wuz all happeh an teh apawsles can has moar saveded kittehs! -- Acts 2 1 Peter an John are in ur templez, prayin at three in teh daytiem. -- Acts 3 2 Nao der wuz dis kitteh who wuz all ickeh an deefowmed an him sit at teh gaet dat wuz calleded Bootifool an him wud beg to teh oder kittehs. -- Acts 3 3 Den him sawded Peter an John an him wuz all, "Awms for teh poow?" -- Acts 3 4 Den Peter lewk at him an John did too. Den Peter wuz all, "Hey joo, luuk!" -- Acts 3 5 Lamz0r kitteh gets all happeh cuz him fowt him wud get sum awms. -- Acts 3 6 Den Peter sed, "lol, stoopid lamez0r kitteh, I dun haf gowd or silveh, but I haf dis. In teh name ov Baby Jesus, danse!" -- Acts 3 7 An Peter halpded teh ex-lamez0r kitteh git up an him pawz werkded nao! -- Acts 3 8 An ex-lamez0r kitteh danse! Him wiggle to teh lef, an to deh rite, an him wiggle fwont an bak. Luuk! Nao him be in teh templez, dancin on teh tabelz! -- Acts 3 9 Den all the oder kittehs see him, -- Acts 3 10 Dey were lik, "OMGWTFBBQ?!?!??!! Wuznit dat kitteh dat sit at teh gate callded Bootifool an him begin fo awms?" -- Acts 3 11 Teh ex-lamez0r kitteh wuz purrin and kneedin on Peter an John an all teh oder kittehs run ovah to be lik "WTF?" -- Acts 3 12 Den Peter gose in anoder long speech cuz him lik talkin, an him sed: "Hey jookittehs! Yu are suwpwised? LOL, ur stoopid. Wai yu lukin at us lik we madeded him walk lik diz all on ouwah own? LOL, stoopid! -- Acts 3 13 Yu kno dat kitteh yu madeded ded wit teh name of Baby Jesus? -- Acts 3 14 Haha, yu gots pwned. Dood, him wuz Holiez and teh Ritchus Wun, srsly! Insted yu let diz bad kitteh go! LOL! -- Acts 3 15 Dood, Baby Jesus wuz all lik teh maker of cat macrows, srsly! Dun wry, Ceiling Cat makeded him com back to teh lif! -- Acts 3 16 An cuz dis ex-lamez0r kitteh haf faif in Baby Jesus dat him heelded! Rly! Yu haf eyez, see?! -- Acts 3 17 Nao, is okai. Yu wer stoopid and stufz. Ur alfa kittehz wer stoopid too. -- Acts 3 18 An dun wry. Ceiling Cat yoosed yu! LOL! Ceiling Cat wuz in ur akshuns, fulfillin profisies! -- Acts 3 19 Yu rly needz to tern to teh Ceiling Cat an can has reepentz. Him mek yu INVISIBLE ERROR even MOAR INVISIBLE. Rly! Him can do dat. -- Acts 3 20 An aftah refeshmentz yu can has Messyiah. -- Acts 3 21 But fo nao Baby Jesus mus stay up in teh Ceiling until Ceiling Cat respawnz everythin. -- Acts 3 22 Moses sed, 'D00dz, Ceiling Cat gunna mak anoder profit lik meh, an yu bettah be gud kittehs an lissen to him, k? -- Acts 3 23 If you dunt lissen to him ya not gunna be joocat anymoar, k?' -- Acts 3 24 Doodz, all teh profitz startin wit Samuel tawkded abowt deez dayz. LOL -- Acts 3 25 Yu guyz heer tooday ar hairs to teh profitz an ov teh covonent God mad wit ur foderz. Ceiling Cat sed to Abraham, 'Ur kittenz, Iz gunna bless teh Urf wit dem, k?' -- Acts 3 26 So wen Ceiling Cat mak his sewvant him send him to yu furst so yu get cheezburger furst, srly! Yu can tern frum INVISIBLE ERROR!" -- Acts 3 1 Teh preests an teh capn of teh tempel gard an teh Sadooshies cam to Peter an John. -- Acts 4 2 Dey wer lik "WTFBBQ?!" cuz teh apawsals wer in teh templez, teechin dat in Baby Jesus dey cud rais ded steenky kittehs. -- Acts 4 3 Oh noes! The Sadooshies put Peter and John in teh jale! Mean! -- Acts 4 4 But dat okay, cuz manee beleeved an der wuz ovah fife fousand new membahs, srsly! -- Acts 4 5 Teh nex day big impowtan kittehs com to Joorusalem. -- Acts 4 6 OMG! So awsum. Annas teh Haih Preest wuz der, an omg, so wuz Caiapcat, John (anudder wun, lol), Alexander, an odder impowtan kittehs. -- Acts 4 7 But dey gotz meen an dey demand, "Hai! Yu can has power frum who?" -- Acts 4 8 An wow! Peter can has teh powah of teh HoverCat an him sed, "Hai! -- Acts 4 9 We cawlded becuz we wuz so awsum an we madeded lamz0r kitteh ex-lamez0r. -- Acts 4 10 Mai awthoritah, lemme show yu it. D00d, we did it wif teh naim of teh Baby Jesus who yu mak ded (lol, I keep tellin yu dat!) but Ceiling Cat browt him back, lol. An den dis man be heeled! Rly! -- Acts 4 11 Baby Jesus is 'teh stown ya bilderz rejec, wich becum teh cownerstone' -- Acts 4 12 Nobodie els can has giv yu cheezburger. Srsly. -- Acts 4 13 Dey wer impwesed cuz Peter and John wer st00pid kittehs wif no schoolin an dey wer suwpwised dey nu Baby Jesus. -- Acts 4 14 An becuz teh ex-lamez0r kitteh wuz rite der dey cud do nuttin. -- Acts 4 15 So dey sen dem awai an INVISIBLE MICROPHONE: -- Acts 4 16 "D00ds! Wut we gunna do! Everywun saw dis, even witout Teevee bein inventeded yet! We can has fail! -- Acts 4 17 Oh. I know. We gunna tell dem not to speek in dis naim anymoar! -- Acts 4 18 Den dey cawlded dem bak an sed, "J00 newbs dun tawk abut Baby Jesus anymoar." -- Acts 4 19 But Peter an John hawmoneeusly sed bak, "LOL, who we gunna lissen to, Ceiling Cat or joo? lol! -- Acts 4 20 We gunna keep tawkin, so yu gunna keep lissenin!" -- Acts 4 21 Den duh impowtan kittehs hiss an spit but den dey let em go. An dey cud not think of how to poonish dem becuz dey mad lots ov kittehs happeh! Dey be dansin now! WAI! -- Acts 4 22 Duh ex-lamez0r kitteh was lik fowty yeers owd! lol -- Acts 4 23 Den Peter an John go bak an tattel on teh cheef preests an stuffz. -- Acts 4 24 Den dey all had invisble tawk to Ceiling Cat togedder an dey sed, "Kewl Ceiling Cat, yu so awsum! Yu make everthin, srsly! Yu mak cheezburgers for us and stuff. Rly. -- Acts 4 25 Yu in David's mouf, makin him sing, 'Wai do nashuns be angree an mak bad plans -- Acts 4 26 An odder kings an leeders an stuff all try to be meen to Ceiling Cat an be meen to his annowtainted wun!' -- Acts 4 27 Yu see, Herod and Pontius Pilate an odder peepl, both joocat and notjoocat made bad plans aganst Baby Jesus who yu annowtainted. -- Acts 4 28 Yu wer in der boddehs, fulfillin profisie. -- Acts 4 29 An even doh dey mak meen wowds, yu gunna mak yu sewvants wis and stuff k? -- Acts 4 30 Oh! An yeh, sum kewl twicks can has help too! lol" -- Acts 4 31 An aftah dey had invisible tawk teh HoverCat wuz in all of dem, srsly. -- Acts 4 32 Dood, teh kittehs shaird, srsly. All ov it. -- Acts 4 33 An teh apawsals kept tawkin bout Baby Jesus all teh time an it wuz so good -- Acts 4 34 dat all teh kittehs had plenti of cheezburgers an cookiez, rly. An sumtiems teh kittehs sowd all dey ownd -- Acts 4 35 an dey put it at teh apawsals paws an dey took it an gav it to kittehs witout stuff. It wuz so awsum, lol. -- Acts 4 36 An dis wun awesum kitteh naimd Joseph, him wuz a Levite frum Cyprus, an fo sum reesown dey call him Barnabas, an -- Acts 4 37 him sowd a feeld an him put teh monees at teh paws of teh apawsals. Isnot awsum?! WAI! -- Acts 4 1 Okai, lissen up. Der wuz dis kitteh naimd Ananias an him has a wif naim Sapphira. An dey also sowd sum land, rly. -- Acts 5 2 OMG! Sapphira nu dis, an Ananias kep sum monee frum teh chawch. Him can has profitz. Him tak teh res ov teh monee an put it at teh paws of teh apawsals. lol. -- Acts 5 3 An Peter wuz so smrt, him sed, "Yo Ananias, dood, Satain so has yu. Satan is in ur hart, makin yu keep teh profits. -- Acts 5 4 Wai yu do dis. Yu ownd teh land befor an yu stil do dis? Wow, j00 stoopid. Cuz yu lie to not onlee kittehs, but to Ceiling Cat. Do not want! -- Acts 5 5 Den Ananias mak ded. lol. -- Acts 5 6 An oder kittehs com an put him in shoobocks an buree him. -- Acts 5 7 An tree howahs latr Sapphias com in. -- Acts 5 8 An Peter sezm "Oh hai! Teh monee yu giv, is dat wut yu can has frum teh land sowd?" An Sapphira sez bak, "Yep!" -- Acts 5 9 An Peter sed bak, "LOL, dum! Yu lie to Ceiling Cat! Yu see teh pawpwints. Dey buree ur husban, an gess wha? Yu nex, lol. kthnxbai! -- Acts 5 10 Den Sapphira mak ded. lol. An oder kittehs com an put her in shoobocks an buree her. -- Acts 5 11 An teh chawch wuz scairdy kittehs nao! -- Acts 5 12 Teh apawsals do lotz of twickz an dey heel kittehs, lol. An dey met in Solomon's Colonnade. -- Acts 5 13 An dey wer veree pawpoolar, but dey had INVISIBLE FRENS cuz dey wer scairdy kittehs. -- Acts 5 14 But stil kittehs beleev an dey can has faif an dey addeded to teh chawch. Srsly! -- Acts 5 15 An teh sick kittehs, dey wer put in teh streetz on kitteh beds cuz dey wan shadow ov Peter to go on dem. -- Acts 5 16 Der wer lotz of kittehs der, all teh way frum not Joorusalem. Dey even browt kittehs wif DarkKittehs in dem. Eep! -- Acts 5 17 Teh Sadooshies git mad an dey git jelus. lol, stoopid. -- Acts 5 18 Oh noes! Dey put teh apawsals in jale. -- Acts 5 19 An yay, AngelKitteh com an let dem escaip frum jale. LOL, dat showd dem! -- Acts 5 20 "Yu can has freedum, tel deh oder kittehs bout teh knu lief." -- Acts 5 21 Dey lissen to teh AngelKitteh teh nex day an preech an teh Hai Preest luk in teh jale. -- Acts 5 22 INVISIBLE APAWSALS! LOL! -- Acts 5 23 Dey go bak an sed, "We can has empty jale, sry, lol. We open teh jale an everythin, not der!" -- Acts 5 24 An teh capn go "Nuuuuuuuuuu!" An everywun wundah wat com nex. INVISIBLE FUTURE, lol -- Acts 5 25 Den sumwun cam an sed, "Oh hai. Dood, dey in teh tempel cowts preechin. Luk!" -- Acts 5 26 Dey bring teh apawsals but dey dint hurt em cuz dey dint want teh oder kittehs to throw teh kitteh littr at dem. -- Acts 5 27 Qwestun tiem for teh apawsals! -- Acts 5 28 "Doods, we sed dun preech. But yu go an do it anyway, stoopid!" -- Acts 5 29 Peter an teh oder apawsals sey bak, "No. Yu stoopid -- Acts 5 30 Ceiling Cat mad Baby Jesus not ded, k? -- Acts 5 31 An Ceiling Cat put Baby Jesus nex to his kitteh bed an mak it so him can tak awai INVISIBLE ERROR an mak it al okai, k? -- Acts 5 32 An luk, we can has HoverCat, an we see dis stuff. Srsly." -- Acts 5 33 An teh impowtan kittehs hiss an spit. Dey wan to claw teh apawsals ded. -- Acts 5 34 But a Phairysee naim Gamaliel, wuz a teecha, an sed "No. Wait. Put dem owtsied." -- Acts 5 35 Den him tawk, "Dood, be carful, rly. -- Acts 5 36 Membah dat kitteh naim Theudas who had forhundred kittehs? Dood, him wuz mad ded, an him kittehs jus go awai. -- Acts 5 37 An yu membah Judas an Galilean. Dey be goin to teh sensus, makin a reevowt. But him wuz mad ded an his kittehs jus go awai. -- Acts 5 38 Jus let deez kittehs go. If dey jus doin dis for demselfs dey gunna jus go awai. -- Acts 5 39 Dey may be wif Ceiling Cat, rly! An den yu be makin fite wif teh big wun an yu jus gunna los. Rly." -- Acts 5 40 An his speech mak dem agwee, an den dey cawl teh apawsals in an dey scrach em bad! Den dey sed, "Dun tawk bowt Baby Jesus." -- Acts 5 41 An teh apawsals lef an dey danse! Dey danse to teh lef an to teh rite. Dey wer happeh cuz dey got hurteded for Baby Jesus. -- Acts 5 42 Dey stil dint stop preechin, lol. Dey wer brav kittehs. -- Acts 5 1 Nowz teh FatzCat Herod arrested dem kittenz in teh Ceiling Cat'z church, meaning to bei liek "Im in ur churchz, perzecutin ur pplz. -- Acts 12 2 Herod haz James, broz to John, and he liek, pwnz him wit haz blades (LOLWPNWD!!1) -- Acts 12 3 Wehn Herod seez teh Jeuwz has hap1ness, he gos and liek grabz Peter 2 (zomg). -- Acts 12 4 Wehn he haz arrezted Peter, Herod is liek "ZOMG, l0ckdown!" n haz hem put in teh prisonz. Peter haz so much importance he haz take f0ur packz of d0gcatz to gaurdz him. Herod wanz so much to put Peter on bench and be like ZOMG Trialz! after the Passover. -- Acts 12 5 Church praiz 2 Ceiling Cat for Peter. ZOMG, Peterz in jail. -- Acts 12 6 Peterz sleepin' tied up between 2 burly men cuz he likes it like that. -- Acts 12 7 Angelcat suddenly appearz an sez: Wake up! An cuz burly men didn't tie Peter up well teh chains fell off him. Oh an ceiling cat appears, defying ur gravity. -- Acts 12 8 Den angelcat sez, "U can haz clothes, lol." n peter did so. "Get ur cloak n follow, d00d," angelcat sed. -- Acts 12 9 Peter thought he woz on LSD -- Acts 12 10 No1 could see Peterz and teh gates opened magically! But he wazn't really high -- Acts 12 11 Peter sez: Godkitty saved me! Whoo! -- Acts 12 12 Cuz he woz on a mission from Godkitty he went an' got his peeps. -- Acts 12 13 He knocked on their door and his luva Rhoda answered -- Acts 12 14 She woz happy to see him and cried out even tho Peter woz a fugitive and that woz n00bish -- Acts 12 15 No1 believed her, cuz she was high -- Acts 12 16 Peter kept knocking cuz teh peeps were too stoned to answer teh door. When they did they all where like WTF? -- Acts 12 17 Peter told them his story then sed: BRING ME JAMES and ran away cuz he woz a tease -- Acts 12 18 In the morning teh burly men were like: Where's our man-bitch? -- Acts 12 19 Herod killed teh guards & burly men, coz he woz mean & didn't like teh man-love. -- Acts 12 20 After teh murder Herod listened to sum men beg for food. -- Acts 12 21 Den he sat on his thr0ne and spoke to teh l33ts -- Acts 12 22 Teh l33ts sed: Ceiling Cat stole UR man-bitch! -- Acts 12 23 Den becuz Herod did not praise Ceiling Cat, an angel wuz liek "STFU noob" and Herod wuz wormfood. Srsly, wow. -- Acts 12 24 The word of Ceiling Cat spred. Srsly. -- Acts 12 25 John and his peeps went home and had lemonade -- Acts 12 1 Dis r a letr frum Paul cuz Ceiling Cat askt me tells about teh Gud Nuuz. -- Romans 1 2 R teh same Gud Nuuz dat Ceiling Cat sed a long tiem ago in teh holi skripchurs. -- Romans 1 3 Teh Gud Nuuz r about teh Baby Jesus, who has grate grate grate grate grate grandson uf King David, -- Romans 1 4 an we can knows he r teh son uf Ceiling Cat cuz he wuz ded, then zomg, he r alive. -- Romans 1 5 So Ceiling Cat ses we haf to tell evrbdy wat he did, an then they can obey. -- Romans 1 6 An Jesus, he r callsing all uf u. -- Romans 1 7 I is writing to evrybdy in Rome who Ceiling Cat luvs. An may Ceiling Cat gives u cheezbrgrs an u can has cookiez. -- Romans 1 8 Furst, I thx to Ceiling Cat for u. Evrbody ses u has gud faith. -- Romans 1 9 If teh sun r up, or teh moon r up, I pray for u always an Ceiling Cat heers me cuz I srvs him and tells teh Gud Nuuz. -- Romans 1 10 An I prays to go see u all -- Romans 1 11 cuz I wants to hang out an halp u srv Ceiling Cat. -- Romans 1 12 An then I can halp u an u can halp me. -- Romans 1 13 I tryed to visit u lots of tiems but I never cud. Monorail Cat was deraild an stuffs. But I wants to! -- Romans 1 14 Becuz even if ur stoopid, or if ur smrts, I haf to halp u. -- Romans 1 15 So I wants to go to Rome an tells teh Gud Nuuz. -- Romans 1 16 Am not emberess uf teh Gud Nuuz becuz it meens Ceiling Cat has invisible powerz. -- Romans 1 17 An then if we has fayth then Ceiling Cat ses we r gud. An that r like teh skripchurs sed, "Gud ppl haf life thru fayth." -- Romans 1 18 If u has teh invisible errors, an u hides truth, u maek Ceiling Cat mad, k? -- Romans 1 19 Ceiling Cat shows us wut is tru. -- Romans 1 20 Wen Ceiling Cat maed teh urths, ppls cud see he has invisible powers, an so they has no excus. -- Romans 1 21 They dun thx Ceiling Cat. An they wuz confusd. -- Romans 1 22 They sed "Am smrt," but reeli r stoopid. -- Romans 1 23 They dun wurship Ceiling Cat. They wurship teh idols like Booda, but he eets too mani cheezbrgrs. Wy u wanna wurship him? -- Romans 1 24 So Ceiling Cat ses FIEN! BE DAT WAY! -- Romans 1 25 An so they wurship stoopid idols an not Ceiling Cat. -- Romans 1 26 Evrbody had secks and stuffs. -- Romans 1 28 Evrbody thot Ceiling Cat was stoopid, so Ceiling Cat let thm do stoopid stuff an they shuldnt do that stuff! -- Romans 1 29 Liek ebil wicked stuff an killsing an fites an lies an gosip. -- Romans 1 30 They iz prowd an meen an they hates Ceiling Cat. -- Romans 1 31 They dun keep promis, if they ses u can has cookie, an then eets it. -- Romans 1 32 They knows Ceiling Cat ses it r bad but they does it anywai. -- Romans 1 1 So! Yu no has xcuse for judjing ppls becuz u do dat same stuff too. -- Romans 2 2 We knows teh Ceiling Cat judjes us wif truth, -- Romans 2 3 But if we ses sumwon iz bad, an we doz teh same stuff too, den u think Ceiling Cat no can judje u? -- Romans 2 4 Dun u no teh Ceiling Cat givs yu cookies so u no do bad stuffs nemore? -- Romans 2 5 K, yu iz stuburn, an u makes Ceiling Cat mads. -- Romans 2 6 An yur gonna "get wut yu deserv." It ses dat in teh skripchurs. -- Romans 2 7 If yu wants gud stuff u can has! -- Romans 2 8 But if u wants ebil stuff, u can has anger from teh Ceiling Cat. -- Romans 2 9 If u dose bad stuff u gonna git 'n truble, -- Romans 2 10 Thers cookies an cheezburgrs if u dose gud an dosnt mattr hoo yu ar. -- Romans 2 11 Cuz teh Ceiling Cat r fare to evrwon. -- Romans 2 12 If u dun kno teh rulez, wen u die den u not judje by teh rulez. But wen u can knos teh rulez an u still has teh invisible errors, yu can has judjemnt by teh rulz. -- Romans 2 13 Cuz Ceiling Cat ses u haf to obey to b gud. -- Romans 2 14 (Sumtims peepul hoo dun kno teh rulz dose gud stuff NEwai -- Romans 2 15 cuz dey kno wats rite in ther harts.) -- Romans 2 16 So yeh, wun day Ceiling Cat r judje yu, kthx. -- Romans 2 17 K, if yu be joos, u no teh rulez. -- Romans 2 18 An yu no wat teh Ceiling Cat want becuz of teh rulez. -- Romans 2 19 Yu want to halp teh ppls hoo ar lost an yu can be a flashlite if thy ar in teh dark. -- Romans 2 20 Cuz u knows teh rulez yu think u can teech evrbdy abowt teh wai of teh Ceiling Cat. -- Romans 2 21 Wy for dose yu teech utter ppls but yu no teech self? Yu ses ppls cant steel then yu go steels. -- Romans 2 22 Yu say teh idolz r bad an thn u gose in teh idolses tempelses. -- Romans 2 23 Yu so prwd of teh rulz yu kno an u still brakes them. -- Romans 2 24 Thas why teh old skripchurs sai "Yu maeks teh un-joos blasfeem teh Ceiling Cat." -- Romans 2 25 If yu onlee follows part uf teh rulez, u no bettr than them. -- Romans 2 26 An if they follows teh rulz bettr than yu, u thinks teh Ceiling Cat wont call them his peepol? -- Romans 2 27 They r betr than u, k? -- Romans 2 28 Yu rnt speshul jus cuz ur born jooish. -- Romans 2 29 Ur speshul if yu luv teh Ceiling Cat in yur hart. -- Romans 2 1 So iz dere enni point in bein a Jew enniwai? -- Romans 3 2 Yes! For wun thing Ceiling Cat givded dem hiz wordz. -- Romans 3 3 Suppose sum peeplz duzint beleev an trust Ceiling Cat, does dat cauz Ceiling Cat enni problimz? -- Romans 3 4 No! Ceiling Cat is riet an if u disagreez u iz rong. Liek teh book sez:"So u can say 'haha i tolded u so'an win." -- Romans 3 5 But spose we iz so bad dat Ceiling Cat proovz how good he iz bai punishin us. Iz dat unfair? -- Romans 3 6 Well DUH no. Ceiling Cat getz to juj teh whoal wrld. -- Romans 3 7 Sumwun miet sai "Wel if i iz bad dat maekz Ceiling Cat look good, shudnt i get a cheezburgr for dat?" -- Romans 3 8 Datz teh saem az sayin "Letz do bad thingz bcz we'll get good rezultz." Sum peeplz saiz we sai dat enniwai but dey iz lyin. -- Romans 3 9 So OK letz sum up. Iz we enni bettr? No!!! We haz areddi sed dat Jews an Gentiles iz both ful of sin. -- Romans 3 10 Liek teh book sez:"Dere iz no good peeplz, not evn wun; -- Romans 3 11 nobodi undrstandz (dis part is kind of emo LOL)nobodi triez to find Ceiling Cat. -- Romans 3 12 Evribodi iz lookin teh othr wai,dey iz all worfless;nobodi duz enni good,not a singl d00d." -- Romans 3 13 "Dere moufz iz liek graevz;an dere tungz tellz liez."Dey haz snaek poizn on dere lipz." -- Romans 3 14 "Dere moufz iz full of bad wurdz." -- Romans 3 15 "Dere clawz iz alwaiz reddi to draw blood; -- Romans 3 16 dere iz trubl whaerevr dey goez, -- Romans 3 17 an dey duzint evn know ennithin about peece." -- Romans 3 18 "Dey iznt afraed of Ceiling Cat neethr, foolz." -- Romans 3 19 So if teh law sez ennithin, it sez it to peepl who iz under teh law, so STFU. -- Romans 3 20 So no wun becomz good by followin teh law. Teh law iz to help us understand about Invisible Errors k. -- Romans 3 21 So now we knowz about goodness comin from Ceiling Cat. Teh Law an teh profettz tellded us about it. -- Romans 3 22 We get dis goodness thru beleevin in Jesus. -- Romans 3 23 Evribodi haz maded Invisible Errors an iznint as good as Ceiling Cat, -- Romans 3 24 but we can go to hevn enniwai bcz Jesus died to taek awai our Invisible Errors. -- Romans 3 25 Ceiling Cat did thingz dis wai on purpus, -- Romans 3 26 to show how niec he iz. -- Romans 3 27 So u shudnt be braggin about followin teh law. -- Romans 3 28 Teh law iznt importnt, beleevin in Jesus iz. -- Romans 3 29 Ceiling Cat is not just for Jews. He iz for Gentiles too. -- Romans 3 30 Dere iz onli wun Ceiling Cat, an he wil taek caer of evribodi, Jews an Gentiles both. -- Romans 3 31 Duz dat mean teh law iz nothin? No LOL!!! -- Romans 3 1 So what did Abraham finded out about dis? -- Romans 4 2 If he had gotted rid of hiz Invisible Errors by sumthin he did, dat wuz sumthin to brag about. Not to Ceiling Cat tho. -- Romans 4 3 What duz teh Bible say? "Abraham beleevdid Ceiling Cat, an Ceiling Cat gived him credit for it." -- Romans 4 4 When u work, u getz paid. Datz not a gift, itz what u iz owed. -- Romans 4 5 But if sum d00d duzint work but jus trustz Ceiling Cat, he getz credit for beleevin. -- Romans 4 6 Liek David says: -- Romans 4 7 "U getz cheezburgrif Ceiling Cat forgivz u for doin rong,if ur Invisible Errorz iz taekn caer of. -- Romans 4 8 U getz cheezburgrif Ceiling Cat desiedz to ingor ur Invisible Errorz." -- Romans 4 9 Duz uncircmsiezded peeplz get cheezburgr, or just circumsieded peeplz? We sed dat Ceiling Cat gived Abraham credit for beleevin. -- Romans 4 10 But when did dat happn? Wuz it aftr hiz forskin wuz cuttid off, or bfor? Bfor LOL! -- Romans 4 11 Havin hiz forskin cuttid off wuz a simbl of hiz faith. Dat meenz he iz teh daddi of evribodi who bleevz an stil haz a forskin. -- Romans 4 12 An also teh daddi of teh peepl who duzint haz a forskin an bleev what he bleevd whiel he stil had hiz. k? -- Romans 4 13 Ceiling Cat tolded Abraham an hiz kittnz dat dey wud run teh wrld bcz beleevn maeded dem good. -- Romans 4 14 For if those who live by law are heirs, faith has no value and the promise is worthless, -- Romans 4 15 because law brings wrath. And where there is no law there is no transgression. -- Romans 4 16 Therefore, the promise comes by faith, so that it may be by grace and may be guaranteed to all Abraham's offspring—not only to those who are of the law but also to those who are of the faith of Abraham. He is the father of us all. -- Romans 4 17 As it is written: "I have made you a father of many nations." He is our father in the sight of God, in whom he believed—the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were. -- Romans 4 18 Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, "So shall your offspring be." -- Romans 4 19 Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah's womb was also dead. -- Romans 4 20 Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, -- Romans 4 21 being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. -- Romans 4 22 This is why "it was credited to him as righteousness." -- Romans 4 23 The words "it was credited to him" were written not for him alone, -- Romans 4 24 dey wuz rittn for us too. Ceiling Cat wil giv us credit for bleevin in him. He maeded Jesus com bak from teh dead. -- Romans 4 25 Jesus dieded for our Invisible Errorz an comd bak to lief to maek thingz bettr. -- Romans 4 15 I duznt knoes teh stuffs I does. I lieks sum stuffs, but I duznt does taht stuffs! I does teh stuffs I duznt lieks. -- Romans 7 16 And wen I does teh stuffs I duznt lieks, I sez, "Hay, I lieks teh goode stuffs." -- Romans 7 17 Hay, iz not me dat does teh badd stuffs--iz mah sins! -- Romans 7 18 I duznt has teh goode stuffs (liek, mah sins duznt has teh goode stuffs). I lieks teh goode stuffs, but I cannut does teh goode stuffs. -- Romans 7 19 Teh stuffs I does iz not teh goode stuffs I lieks; I only does teh badd stuffs sum moar. -- Romans 7 20 Ifs I does teh badd stuffs I duznt lieks, iz not me, iz mah sins, k? -- Romans 7 21 Iz Okey for baker kitteh to uze teh saim bol to maik sum cookie 4 nobl purrpus, an odders for reglar evvryday y00s. -- Romans 9 1 I rly rly want teh other kittehs to can has cheezburgers, srsly. -- Romans 10 2 Dey rly lik teh Ceiling Cat, but dey dun lik him cuz dey can has teh knowlij. -- Romans 10 3 Dey think tey kno Ceiling Cat but dey not rly followin him corektly. -- Romans 10 4 Jebus com an he madeded it so evewy kitteh can has cheezburger by jus beleefin. How awsum is dat? -- Romans 10 5 Moses sed: "Teh kitteh who duz dese lawz liv by dem." Rly! -- Romans 10 6 The richtus sed: "Dun say, 'Who gose to teh Ceiling?' -- Romans 10 7 or 'Who gose into teh bad plase?'" -- Romans 10 8 Wut do dey sey? Teh wordz r in ur mouf an hart, makin yu proclame: -- Romans 10 9 "Jebus is teh Awsum Wun" -- Romans 10 10 an yu rly rly meen it, u can has cheezburger. -- Romans 10 11 Teh Wordz sez, "If u can has trust in teh Ceiling Cat, yu nevr can has shame, srsly." -- Romans 10 12 Der be no difrens betwen teh Joocat an teh Notjoocat. -- Romans 10 13 "Every kitteh who sez Jebus is teh Awesum Wun can has cheezburger." -- Romans 10 14 But whai wud teh kittehs beleef yu, lol. -- Romans 10 15 Dun be stoopid, cuz teh Wordz sez, "Teh pawz of teh kitteh hu bringz teh gud newz is rly nice!" -- Romans 10 16 Not all teh Joocatz can has teh Cheezburger. Isaiah sez, "Awsum Wun, who beleefz teh mesej?" -- Romans 10 17 D00d, yu gotz teh heer teh Mesej to getz teh faithz, and teh mesej be herd thru teh wordz of Jebuz, srsly! -- Romans 10 18 Did dey heer? Duh! Dey did: -- Romans 10 1 Oh Hai! Wuz Ceiling Cat in ur base, castin away ur doods? Psyche! I gots mai beanie too, from Abe's splooge to Benji's doods. -- Romans 11 2 Ceiling Cat isn't in ur base castin ur doods that he knoed. You eated Elias' scrip? WTF to Ceiling Cat intersessionin the beanie doods. -- Romans 11 1 n im telln u, cuz Ceiling Cat pwns, u shld giv him ur boddeez, cuz he liek dem, n dis way ur liek "Ceiling Cat pwns", dats wut we do. -- Romans 12 2 dont b liek "l00k @ me im liek teh urthz im a n00b", but b liek teh Transformers by recycling ur mind. den u cn do wut Ceiling Cat wants, cuz Ceiling Cat's will is teh r0x0rz. -- Romans 12 3 i getz 2 say this cuz i has cheezburgerz: don't b liek "l00k @ me I pwn," cuz only n00bs say dat about der SELFS. ur spozd 2 b humble, n let Ceiling Cat do teh praisn. -- Romans 12 4 k so its just liek wen u has 1 boddee, but its got lotz of fun stuffs on it to play wth n stuff, -- Romans 12 5 so wer liek teh partz of Christs boddee. n we all pwn each othr, but in a good way. -- Romans 12 6 peepz gets diffrnt Supr Powrs. if u c teh future, dats awsum. b l33t @ dat. -- Romans 12 7 n if ur teh servr or teh teechr, b l33t @ dat 2. -- Romans 12 8 n if ur spozd 2 b a cheerleedr or a guy wit munneez or a leadr or wutever, just b awsum and pwn @ wutever ur thing is. -- Romans 12 1 Ceiling Cat sez, "Paul, you be Jesus bro, cuz i like datz." -- 1 Corinthians 1 2 Hai to youz who iz in ur Corinth, likin ur Ceiling Cat, and to evri wonz else who sayz Jesus is da man. -- 1 Corinthians 1 3 Cheezburgrz for all of youz. -- 1 Corinthians 1 4 I alwayz thx Ceiling Cat for you. -- 1 Corinthians 1 5 Ceiling Cat givz you all you needz -- 1 Corinthians 1 6 because you liek Jebus. -- 1 Corinthians 1 7 U haz all teh cheezburgz u needz while u waitz for Jebus to come down from teh ceiling. -- 1 Corinthians 1 8 Ceiling cat will givez you cheezeburgrz, so you no eated cookiez. -- 1 Corinthians 1 9 Ceiling Cat never forgetz! O yeah an he sez "Plz hang with mah boy Jebus kthnx." -- 1 Corinthians 1 10 Evribodi get along plz? -- 1 Corinthians 1 11 bcz Chloe telled on u! OMG u r fightin! -- 1 Corinthians 1 12 I iz tryin sai: one d00d sez "me follaz Paul"; differnt d00d sez "me follaz Apollos"; third sez "me follaz Cephas"; An sum othr d00d "me follaz Christ!" Srsly WTFBBQ! -- 1 Corinthians 1 13 Christ iznt in bite-size chunx! Is Paul on cross for u? NO! U wuz givn bath for Paul? NO and also OMG waterz! -- 1 Corinthians 1 14 I iz glad I not gived u bath! (xcept Crispus An Gaius) -- 1 Corinthians 1 15 so nobodi can sez anybodi gotted bath in mai namez (xcept Crispus An Gaius). -- 1 Corinthians 1 16 (OK I gived Stephanas An his families bath. N maybi some1 else, I forgets.) -- 1 Corinthians 1 17 enniwai Christ didn't sended me to giv u bath! He sended me 4 telling you good newses about Ceiling Cat! An I duz not do that wif smart human wordz! Bcz that meanz Christ's cross haz no powerz! oh noes!!! -- 1 Corinthians 1 18 Msg 4m cross 2 teh dyin: i iz just silly. msg 4m cross 2 us who iz being savedz: i iz the powr of Ceiling Cat! -- 1 Corinthians 1 19 Ceiling Cat writed: "I iz gonna eat the wise d00ds' wisdom! N hied the smart d00ds' smartz!" -- 1 Corinthians 1 20 Wise d00d: where iz u? Honnr studentz? Modern smart d00dz? Ceiling Cat has maded all the smartz of the world into stupidz! -- 1 Corinthians 1 21 Teh world, in all itz wizdum, did not noe Ceiling Cat! But that wuz Ceiling Cat's plan so haha pwned! Ceiling Cat saw teh silli thingz that differnt d00dz tolded teh beleevrz an it crackt him up LOL. -- 1 Corinthians 1 22 Jews say "Miraklz plz kthnx bai" an Greeks say "Wizdm plz kthnx bai", -- 1 Corinthians 1 23 but us preachez Christ who wuz on teh cross. This iz hard 4 Jews n silli 4 Gentiles, -- 1 Corinthians 1 24 but 4 teh onez Ceiling Cat haz callded (Jews n Greeks both) Christ iz teh powr of Ceiling Cat n teh wizdm of Ceiling Cat. -- 1 Corinthians 1 25 Ceiling Cat's silliness is smartr than man's wizdm, n Ceiling Cat's weaknss is strongr than man's strenth. -- 1 Corinthians 1 26 Remembr what u wuz when u wuz called? Humans would l00k at u n be liek "LOL moronz." Nobodi listended to u n ur parentz wuz not importantz neithr. -- 1 Corinthians 1 27 But Ceiling Cat pickted out teh silli things to make teh smart d00dz look silli, n teh weak things to maek teh strong d00dz feel stupidz. -- 1 Corinthians 1 28 He pickted out teh unimportnt thingz n teh wunz evribodi hatez. He evn pickted teh thingz that arint real to beat teh thingz that iz, -- 1 Corinthians 1 29 so that no wun can be liek "Haha I r00l!" -- 1 Corinthians 1 30 U iz in Jesus Christ bcz of him. Jesus haz becom wizdm from Ceiling Cat for us, n goodness, holiness, n forgivness. -- 1 Corinthians 1 31 If da kittehz has bukkit, let da kitteh has bukkit with Ceiling Cat. -- 1 Corinthians 1 1 Dear humainz, I will you to my words, but I cant spellz. -- 1 Corinthians 2 2 UM, Jezus knows I is a fine talker. -- 1 Corinthians 2 3 I come tuz ya like all shakin' like a liefs an' stuff, -- 1 Corinthians 2 4 and I didnts sound intelligunt, but had enough holy-skillz, -- 1 Corinthians 2 5 dat you knows 2 trusts holy-skills and not wisedom. -- 1 Corinthians 2 1 7You beez talkin about Cat in the ceillings wizedom. He knows how many times u fap before all fails. -- 1 Corinthians 2 6 sumz of us is wise though, but not like age-wise and shit. -- 1 Corinthians 2 8 Jesus was nail to teh crossed cuz presidents were nubs. -- 1 Corinthians 2 9 Cat in teh ceilling iz acceptings of any fapper, even nubz. -- 1 Corinthians 2 10 the Cat in the ceilling macros all in holy-faggotry, even himself. -- 1 Corinthians 2 11 Humanz can fap much like Cat in the ceiling watches u fap--even when there is no hole. -- 1 Corinthians 2 12 Cuz Ceiling Cat watches you, you'll fap quicker than peeps who isn't being watch. -- 1 Corinthians 2 13 Fapthrens, We are not speaked in right words, but in lolz. -- 1 Corinthians 2 14 Peepz who isn't got ceilings isn't understooding of me. -- 1 Corinthians 2 15 If u beleived what I says, WOOT! -- 1 Corinthians 2 16 If nubz isnt beleived Ceiling Cat, copy paste mah macroz, lol. -- 1 Corinthians 2 1 Brothers, u iz just newbornded kittenz in Christ. -- 1 Corinthians 3 2 I gave you milk, not cookies, bcz u wuz not reddi for cookies. U iz still not reddi! -- 1 Corinthians 3 3 Bcz u iz not spirichl enuff. U iz all fightin n jelous. U iz actin liek humanz! -- 1 Corinthians 3 4 When one d00d sez "I follaz Paul," n some othr d00d sez "I follaz Apollos," u is just humanz! -- 1 Corinthians 3 5 What iz Apollos enniwai? N Paul? Jus servantz workin for Ceiling Cat to maek u believ. -- 1 Corinthians 3 6 I putted teh seed in teh ground, Apollos putted teh watr on it, but Ceiling Cat maded it grow. -- 1 Corinthians 3 7 Teh d00d dat duz teh plantin iz nuffing. Saem wif teh d00d dat putz teh waterz. Only Ceiling Cat is moar dan nuffing, bcz he makez teh thingz gro. -- 1 Corinthians 3 8 Teh plant n water d00dz iz duin teh riet thing though, n both getz cheezburgr! -- 1 Corinthians 3 9 We workz wif Ceiling Cat. U iz his field n hiz bilding. -- 1 Corinthians 3 10 Ceiling Cat gived me grace. I builded a good foundashn n sum othr d00d iz on mai foundashn, buildin Ceiling Cat's building. Build cairfly evribodi! -- 1 Corinthians 3 11 Bcz Jesus iz teh onli good foundashn. -- 1 Corinthians 3 12 If u buildz wif gold or silvr or expensiff stuffz or wood or hai or straw (liek teh three pigz) -- 1 Corinthians 3 13 it wil get burnded up wif fier! -- 1 Corinthians 3 14 But if it duzint u will get cheezburgr. -- 1 Corinthians 3 15 If it getz burnded u lose. U will get saved but not teh house. -- 1 Corinthians 3 16 U iz Ceiling Cat's tempul. Ceiling Cat's spirit iz in u, givin u cheezburgr. -- 1 Corinthians 3 17 If ennibodi nox down Ceiling Cat's tempul, Ceiling Cat will nok him down. Dat shud maek u feel betterz. -- 1 Corinthians 3 18 Dont get trix0red LOL. If u thinkz u is smart it is bettr to become stupid n get smartr from dere. -- 1 Corinthians 3 19 Liek I sed befor, teh wisdm of teh wurld is dum to Ceiling Cat. Sum d00d rited "He catchiz teh wise in their clevrness"; -- 1 Corinthians 3 20 oh yeah n "Ceiling Cat knows dat teh thotz of teh wise iz good for nuffing." -- 1 Corinthians 3 21 So quit braggin about d00dz! Evrithing is urz, -- 1 Corinthians 3 22 Paul or Apollos or Cephas or teh world or lief or deth or now or latr - evrithing, -- 1 Corinthians 3 23 n u iz Christ n Christ is Ceiling Cat's. -- 1 Corinthians 3 1 Evribodi ought to treet us liek we workz for Ceiling Cat n he trustz us wif hiz secretz. -- 1 Corinthians 4 2 If u iz trustid then u gotz to akt liek it. -- 1 Corinthians 4 3 I doant caer if u jujiz me. I doant evn juj maiself LOL. -- 1 Corinthians 4 4 Duznt mean I iz inosent. Meanz Ceiling Cat jujiz me. -- 1 Corinthians 4 5 So doant juj nuthing yet. Wait for Ceiling Cat. He will turn on teh liet n look into evribodis heartz n sai "Good job" if u dezervz it. -- 1 Corinthians 4 6 Realli I didded this four u so u will lern not to be jelus of each othr n maek up all kindz of stuff dat no wun writed. -- 1 Corinthians 4 7 What maekz u so differnt from evribodi else? What u haz dat Ceiling Cat not giff u? Since he giffs it to u, why u brag about it? -- 1 Corinthians 4 8 U has evrithing u want. U iz rich! U iz kingz! Akshly I wish u realli wuz kingz, dat would r00l. -- 1 Corinthians 4 9 I thinx Ceiling Cat putted us at teh end of teh parade. Datz not as good as u thinkz. Dat is where peeplz goin to teh arena to die are n evribodi is liek LOL evn teh hovr d00dz. -- 1 Corinthians 4 10 We iz in Christ, bein teh foolz, but u is wise. We iz weak n u is strongz. U getz all teh propz, we dont getz non. -- 1 Corinthians 4 11 To this very hour we go hungry and thirsty, we are in rags, we are brutally treated, we are homeless. -- 1 Corinthians 4 12 We work hard n put up wif evrithingz. -- 1 Corinthians 4 13 Peeplz talk trash about us. Akshlly we kinda iz trash. -- 1 Corinthians 4 14 I lieks u n riets this to help u. -- 1 Corinthians 4 15 U has lotz n lotz of peeplz lookin after u but not mani fatherz. But I is in Christ Jesus, becomin ur fathr thru teh gospel. -- 1 Corinthians 4 16 So be liek me. -- 1 Corinthians 4 17 Thatz why I iz sendin u Timothy. He is mai kitteh n I lieks him n he alwaiz lissnz to Ceiling Cat. He will maek shure u duz liek I teachiz. -- 1 Corinthians 4 18 Sum of u iz all stuck-upz, liek I wuz not goin to come. -- 1 Corinthians 4 19 I will tho. Then I will find out what peeplz is sayin n what they can do about it. -- 1 Corinthians 4 20 Teh kingdm of God iz less talk, more rokk. -- 1 Corinthians 4 21 What u liek better? I hitz u wiff a whip or I beez nice? -- 1 Corinthians 4 1 I hearz there is rong harblez in ur church, d00dz doin thingz even teh paganz dont do. Liek dis wun d00d is puttin harblez wif his daddi's wief. HARBLEZ NOT GO THERE! -- 1 Corinthians 5 2 N u iz all liek "O graet!" Why u not kickz him out? -- 1 Corinthians 5 3 I iz not even there but I iz wit u in spirit, so I can sez "Kickz him out!" -- 1 Corinthians 5 4 Get togethr -- 1 Corinthians 5 5 n gif dat d00d to Tacgnol so he can be saveded! Not so Tacgnol can be saveded LOL, to save dat d00d. -- 1 Corinthians 5 6 U bragz too much! U know a litl catnip maeks teh whole toi excitin. -- 1 Corinthians 5 7 Get rid of the old catnip so u can be a new toi wifout it. Datz what u iz aniwai. Bcz Christ, our babi sheep, has been sacrafiseted. -- 1 Corinthians 5 8 So letz have te feest. No old catnipz tho. It wuz bad. Just cookiez of truthz. -- 1 Corinthians 5 9 I rieted u n sez "Dont hang wif peeplz who put harblez teh wrong placez. -- 1 Corinthians 5 10 I dont meen peeplz who is not in teh church tho, dey dont know betterz. -- 1 Corinthians 5 11 But doant let dem in teh church. If sum d00d in teh church is actin bad, doant evn eat cookies wif him. -- 1 Corinthians 5 12 It iznt my jobz to juj peeplz outsied teh church. Just insidez. -- 1 Corinthians 5 13 God will juj teh wunz outsied. "Thro teh bad d00dz out" -- 1 Corinthians 5 1 If two of u haz a fiet, why u goez to teh courtz? Dey is full of bad peeplz. -- 1 Corinthians 6 2 Teh saintz will juj teh world. N u goin be saintz. So u can juj ur own argumentz DUH. -- 1 Corinthians 6 3 U iz evn gonna juj hovr d00dz. -- 1 Corinthians 6 4 So insted of fietin, aks sum d00d in teh church to settlz it for u. -- 1 Corinthians 6 5 U should be embarast. -- 1 Corinthians 6 6 Insted ur in teh unbeleevrz courtz, makin foolz of urselvz. -- 1 Corinthians 6 7 If u suez each othr, u alredy looz! Why not u be rongded insted? Why not u be cheeted insted? -- 1 Corinthians 6 8 Now u cheat n do rongz urselvz. U do it to ur brotherz too! -- 1 Corinthians 6 9 Bad peeplz duz not get to join Ceiling Cat's kingdm! U knows dis! Peeplz who do bad thingz dont get to join, there are lotz of bad things, I forgetted them all LOL. -- 1 Corinthians 6 10 Dere sure iz lotz of kindz of bad peeplz. -- 1 Corinthians 6 11 Sum of u wuz evn liek dat. But Jesus maed u OK. -- 1 Corinthians 6 12 Evrithing is allowded, but not evrithing is good for me. Evrithing is allowded, but nothing will mastr me. -- 1 Corinthians 6 13 "Cookies for teh tummi, n teh tummi for cookies" - but Ceiling Cat will destroi bofe of dem. Teh bodi iz for Ceiling Cat, n Ceiling Cat for teh bodi. -- 1 Corinthians 6 14 Ceiling Cat makeded teh ded liv, n he wil do us too. -- 1 Corinthians 6 15 If u thinkz about it, ur bodiez is liek Christ's armz an legz. What if I taeks Christ's armz n legz n putz dem togethr wif a h00kr? Liek Frankenhookr? DO NOT WANT! -- 1 Corinthians 6 16 If u iz wif a hookr, u is joinded wif her bodi. Liek it sez, "Teh two wil becom wun bodi." Creepi. -- 1 Corinthians 6 17 So be wun wif Ceiling Cat instedz. -- 1 Corinthians 6 18 Don't do teh badz harblez. Othr bad thingz iz bad enufz but dey iz outsied teh bodi. Bad harblez duz rong to ur bodi. -- 1 Corinthians 6 19 Teh Hovr Cat iz in u, makin ur Ceiling Cat's tempul. U belongz to Ceiling Cat -- 1 Corinthians 6 20 bcz he boughted u. So treet ur bodi riet for him. -- 1 Corinthians 6 1 So enniwai gettin to why u writed me. Iz good if u doant getz married. -- 1 Corinthians 7 2 But thatz not veri likeli iz it. So evri man should getz wief, an evri womn should getz husbnd. -- 1 Corinthians 7 3 N HARBLEZ GOES WHERE? Dat is good. -- 1 Corinthians 7 4 Teh wief's bodi iznt just herz, itz her husbandz too. Saem for teh husband. I meenz teh husbandz bodi belongz to him n also 2 hiz wief. -- 1 Corinthians 7 5 Don't stop puttin teh harblez unless u both agree about it. Liek u stop for a whiel n prai. But doant stop for too long or Satan will try an maek trublz. -- 1 Corinthians 7 6 Dis is just me talkin. -- 1 Corinthians 7 7 U should all be harble-free liek me. But not evribodi can duz dat. -- 1 Corinthians 7 8 If u iz not married or ur husbnd or wief diez, u could stai singul liek me. -- 1 Corinthians 7 9 Unless u would be horni. In dat caes u should get married. -- 1 Corinthians 7 10 A wief cant leev her husbnd. Dat's not me talkin, dat's Ceiling Cat. -- 1 Corinthians 7 11 If she duz tho, she cant marriez no wun els. She can maek up wif her husbnd or stai aloan. N teh saem goez for d00dz. -- 1 Corinthians 7 12 Now dis part is me talkin, not Ceiling Cat. If u beleev in Ceiling Cat but ur wief duzint, u cant divorse her ovr it. -- 1 Corinthians 7 13 Saem goez for teh ladiez. -- 1 Corinthians 7 14 Teh wun who duzint beleev iz maded clean thru teh wun who duz beleev. Dat goez for teh kidz too. -- 1 Corinthians 7 15 If teh wun who duzint beleev leevez tho, let dem go. Ceiling Cat sez doant fiet about it. -- 1 Corinthians 7 16 U haz no wai to know about ur husbnd or wief gettin saivded. -- 1 Corinthians 7 17 Enniwai, Ceiling Cat giveded u a plase in lief n u should stai dere. -- 1 Corinthians 7 18 Leev ur man-harblez teh wai dey iz. -- 1 Corinthians 7 19 U thinkz about man-harblez too much. Do what Ceiling Cat wantz, datz teh importnt thing. -- 1 Corinthians 7 20 Liek I sez, stai put. -- 1 Corinthians 7 21 If u iz a slaev, doant worri about it. Get free if u can but doant worri about it. -- 1 Corinthians 7 22 U can be a slaev an be Ceiling Cat's free man. Jus liek u can be a free man an be Ceiling Cat's slaev. -- 1 Corinthians 7 33 Ceiling Cat boughted u. Doant let humanz bought u too. -- 1 Corinthians 7 34 Liek I keepz sayin, stai put. -- 1 Corinthians 7 35 Letz talk about virginz now. -- 1 Corinthians 7 36 U should stai virginz. -- 1 Corinthians 7 37 If u iz married, stai dat wai. But if u izint doant be all "SWM seeks LTR" jus stai singul. -- 1 Corinthians 7 38 Itz OK to marri. Itz jus trubble. -- 1 Corinthians 7 39 Bcz Ceiling Cat is comin soon. -- 1 Corinthians 7 40 So doant maek ani big planz. -- 1 Corinthians 7 41 Teh whoal world iz goin awai. -- 1 Corinthians 7 42 Doant worri about it. -- 1 Corinthians 7 43 But if u iz married u wil be all "OMG teh world iz endin!" -- 1 Corinthians 7 44 Ladiez n d00dz both. -- 1 Corinthians 7 45 Dis iz for ur own good. -- 1 Corinthians 7 46 If u jus haz to getz married, go ahed. -- 1 Corinthians 7 47 But try to stai singul if u can. -- 1 Corinthians 7 48 Eithr wai iz OK. -- 1 Corinthians 7 49 If a womn's husbnd diez, she can get married agen, but her huzbnd should liek Ceiling Cat. -- 1 Corinthians 7 50 But I thinkz she wil be hapiur if she staiz singul. -- 1 Corinthians 7 1 Now letz talk about cookies dat peepl givz idolz. Idolz dunt eat LOL. Enniwai we all knowz stuffz. Knowing stuffz maeks u stuck up. Love maeks u liftid up. -- 1 Corinthians 8 2 If u thinkz u know sumthingz u doant. -- 1 Corinthians 8 3 But if u luvz Ceiling Cat, he luvz u too. -- 1 Corinthians 8 4 So back to teh idolz. -- 1 Corinthians 8 5 Sum peepl sez dere are lotz of godz. -- 1 Corinthians 8 6 Not for us tho. We jus haz Ceiling Cat. -- 1 Corinthians 8 7 But not evriwun knows dat yet. Sum peeple freek about cookies dat wuz givn to idolz. -- 1 Corinthians 8 8 But cookiez maek no differns to Ceiling Cat. Eat, dont eat, duzint matter. -- 1 Corinthians 8 9 But be caerful not to confuz peeplz. -- 1 Corinthians 8 10 Liek if sumwun who duzint know seez u eated teh idolz' cookiez, dey miet get teh rong ideaz. -- 1 Corinthians 8 11 N den dey getz destroid bcz of u. -- 1 Corinthians 8 12 Dat maeks Jesus sad. -- 1 Corinthians 8 13 So if eatin cookies maeks sumwun get losted, I woant eated dem. Itz not bcz cookiez is bad itz bcz I doant want no wun gettin losted. -- 1 Corinthians 8 1 Is i not free? Is i not wun of Jesus's d00dz? Haz I not seed Jesus? Iz ur church not a rezult of mai workz? Kweschunz iz wurth ten pointz eachiz. -- 1 Corinthians 9 2 I maded ur church, shurli I iz importantz to u. -- 1 Corinthians 9 3 Dose who iz critisizin me, lissn to dis. -- 1 Corinthians 9 4 We haz riet to cookies n milk, riet? -- 1 Corinthians 9 5 We haz riet to wief or husbnd liek evribodi else, riet? -- 1 Corinthians 9 6 Or duz jus me n Barnabas haz to wurk for a livin? -- 1 Corinthians 9 7 Soljrz getz paid, n farmerz n cowboiz. -- 1 Corinthians 9 8 Datz what teh law sez. -- 1 Corinthians 9 9 Moses writed: "Do not put a muzzle on teh cow whiel it iz workin". Bcz dey uset to maek teh cows work wif teh wheet. But now it iz all tractrz n factreez. Enniwai teh point iznt about cowz. -- 1 Corinthians 9 10 Itz about peeplz. Dey should get paidz. -- 1 Corinthians 9 11 I saveded u all, shouldn I get paid sumthing? -- 1 Corinthians 9 12 Ur payin othr peeplz after all. We iz jus workin for Ceiling Cat an not gettin paid. -- 1 Corinthians 9 13 Othr peeplz iz gettin paid. -- 1 Corinthians 9 14 Well, Ceiling Cat sez we getz paid too, k? -- 1 Corinthians 9 15 It iz ruff to be me. -- 1 Corinthians 9 16 I gotz to tell about Ceiling Cat or I getz sad. -- 1 Corinthians 9 17 I spoze I getz sum riward. -- 1 Corinthians 9 18 I iz givin awai teh good newses about Jesus for free. -- 1 Corinthians 9 19 I iz free but i maekz maiself evribodi's slaev. -- 1 Corinthians 9 20 I iz a Jew to teh Jews. -- 1 Corinthians 9 21 I is a Gentile to teh Gentilez. -- 1 Corinthians 9 22 I iz weak to teh weak. U getz teh idea. -- 1 Corinthians 9 23 It getz me cheezburgr. -- 1 Corinthians 9 24 In a race evribodi runz but onli wun getz teh priez. -- 1 Corinthians 9 25 Dey work hard to get teh medul. (But if dey taekz steroidz dey haz to givv it bak.) We iz workin hard to get a bettr priez. It will last forevr. -- 1 Corinthians 9 26 I iz not just runnin around or wavin mai pawz in teh air. -- 1 Corinthians 9 27 I work hard to maek mai bodi mai slaev so I wil win teh priez. -- 1 Corinthians 9 1 Teh peeplz dat caem befor us wuz all in teh saem boat. Dat is a metafor, dey wuz not realli in a boat. -- 1 Corinthians 10 2 Dey had a baff in Moses naem. -- 1 Corinthians 10 3 Dey eated teh saem cookies. Dat is a metafor too k. -- 1 Corinthians 10 4 An drinkted teh saem milk from teh saem rock. Dat rock wuz Christ. More metaforz k? -- 1 Corinthians 10 5 Ceiling Cat still wuzint happi and lotz of dem died in teh desrt. Dat iz not a metafor, dat realli happnd. -- 1 Corinthians 10 6 Dis wuz to teech us a lesson. -- 1 Corinthians 10 7 Doant worshp idolz. Ceiling Cat DO NOT WANT! -- 1 Corinthians 10 8 Doant make teh bad harblez. Ceiling Cat DO NOT WANT! 23000 of dem died in wun dai bcz of dis! -- 1 Corinthians 10 9 Doant test Ceiling Cat, who DO NOT WANT an will sendz snaeks. -- 1 Corinthians 10 10 Doant complaen. Ceiling Cat DO NOT WANT an will send teh hovr d00d to kil u. -- 1 Corinthians 10 11 So doant do dat. -- 1 Corinthians 10 12 Be xtra caerflz k. -- 1 Corinthians 10 13 Ceiling Cat woant let u be moare tempted dan u can stanz. -- 1 Corinthians 10 14 Sun runz awai from teh idolz. -- 1 Corinthians 10 15 U haz enuff sens to lisnz. -- 1 Corinthians 10 16 Teh cup we givz thankz for, dat meanz we takez part in teh blood of Christ. An teh cookiez we sharez, dat meanz we takez part in teh bodi of Christ. -- 1 Corinthians 10 17 Jus liek dere iz jus wun cookie, we is juz wun church. -- 1 Corinthians 10 18 Taek Israel for exampl. Evribodi who eatz teh sacrafieces goez up to teh altar, riet? -- 1 Corinthians 10 19 Duz I meanz dat idolz an sacrifiesez meanz sumthin? -- 1 Corinthians 10 20 No! I jus doan want u taekin part in sacrifiesez to demunz. -- 1 Corinthians 10 21 U haz to chuse betwin Ceiling Cat an teh demunz. -- 1 Corinthians 10 22 Iz we trin to make Ceiling Cat jelus? He is strongr dan us LOL. -- 1 Corinthians 10 23 Evrithin iz allowd - but not evrithin is good for u. Evrithin is allowd - but not evrithin is usefl. -- 1 Corinthians 10 24 U shouldnt trai to get what iz good for u, just what iz good for othrz. -- 1 Corinthians 10 25 U can eat evrithin at teh butchrz, no problim. -- 1 Corinthians 10 26 bcz "Teh wurld bilongz to Ceilin Cat. O yeah n so duz evrithin in it." -- 1 Corinthians 10 27 If sumwun who duznt beleev offerz u cookies, u shud eat dem wifout bitchin. Iz OK. -- 1 Corinthians 10 28 But if dey iz liek "Dis wuz givn to teh idolz," doant eat it. Dat iz best for evribodi. -- 1 Corinthians 10 29 U shudnt juj me bai hiz beleefs. -- 1 Corinthians 10 30 I iz jus eatin mai cookies n bein graetful, nuffin rong wif dat. -- 1 Corinthians 10 31 If u eat or drink or whatevr, do it for teh glori of Ceiling Cat. -- 1 Corinthians 10 32 Doant maek eniwun maek mistaekz. -- 1 Corinthians 10 33 I trai to maek evriwun happi so dey wil be saevd. -- 1 Corinthians 10 1 Do liek I do, bcz I do liek Jesus duz. -- 1 Corinthians 11 2 U think about me all teh tiem an do liek i wuz taugt, thanx! -- 1 Corinthians 11 3 OK now lissn. D00dz iz in charj of ladiez, an Christ iz in charj of d00dz, and Ceiling Cat iz in charj of Christ. -- 1 Corinthians 11 4 D00dz shud not waer a hat to prai. Or to tel teh fyoochr. -- 1 Corinthians 11 5 But when ladiez prai or tell teh fyoochur dey shud waer a hat. -- 1 Corinthians 11 6 Or shaev off all deir hairz. -- 1 Corinthians 11 7 Men shudnt waer hatz in church, bcz Ceiling Cat duznt waer a hat. -- 1 Corinthians 11 8 See, men no comez from wimn. Wimn caem from men. -- 1 Corinthians 11 9 Ceiling Cat no maketed men for wimn. He maded wimn for men. -- 1 Corinthians 11 10 Dat's whai wimn shud waer hatz. Oh yeah an teh hovr d00dz liek it too. -- 1 Corinthians 11 11 In Ceiling Cat, menz an wimnz iz dependnt on eech othr. -- 1 Corinthians 11 12 Wumn caem from man, an man iz boarn to wumn. An evrithin comz from Ceiling Cat. -- 1 Corinthians 11 13 So whut duz u thinkz: iz it OK if a wumn praiz wifout a hat? -- 1 Corinthians 11 14 Men shudnt hav long hairz. Obveusli. -- 1 Corinthians 11 15 But if wimnz hav long hairz datz cool. Bcz it covrz hr up. -- 1 Corinthians 11 16 Doant argu about diz, itz goin to be liek I sez. -- 1 Corinthians 11 17 U haz bin badz an makin trublz. -- 1 Corinthians 11 18 I hear u iz fietin an I bleevz it. -- 1 Corinthians 11 19 Obvisli u iz arguin about who Ceiling Cat luvz moar. -- 1 Corinthians 11 20 U iz not eatin Ceiling Cat's dinnr, -- 1 Corinthians 11 21 u iz jus rushn aroun doin whatevr. Wun of u ends up hungri, anothr getz wastd LOL. -- 1 Corinthians 11 22 Why u cant do dat at hoam? Duz u haetz Ceiling Cat's church? Iz u makin fun of peeplz who doan gotz nuthin? DO NOT APPROVE!!! -- 1 Corinthians 11 23 Liek I toled u: on teh niet when Jesus wuz turnd in, he taked teh bred, -- 1 Corinthians 11 24 an wuz liek "Thanx, dis iz mai bodi. Itz for u. Do dis to remembr me kthnx." -- 1 Corinthians 11 25 Oh yeah n he taekd teh watr dish an sed "Dis iz teh new agrimint betwin u n Ceiling Cat. It iz mai bludz too. Do dis to remembr me too kthnx." -- 1 Corinthians 11 26 So whenevr u do dat u iz sayin "Jesus is ded. But jus until he comz bak." -- 1 Corinthians 11 27 If u misbehaevz whiel u iz eatin teh bred or drinkin from teh dish of Ceiling Cat, u iz doin wrong. -- 1 Corinthians 11 28 U ogt to taek a good look at urself befor u eat teh bred n drink from teh dish. -- 1 Corinthians 11 29 Bcz if u duzint sai "o datz teh bodi of Jesus" u iz bad. -- 1 Corinthians 11 30 Dat iz ur problim. -- 1 Corinthians 11 31 If we took a bettr look at ourself maybi we wud not get in so much trublz. -- 1 Corinthians 11 32 When Ceiling Cat punishiz us, dat iz so teh wurl wil not be all "O u iz bad." -- 1 Corinthians 11 33 So when u eatz Ceiling Cat's dinnr, wait for each othr OK. -- 1 Corinthians 11 34 If u iz hungri, eat at hoem first. I wil tel u moar latr. -- 1 Corinthians 11 1 Letz talk about spirichl prezentz, bcz I not want u bein ignorntz. -- 1 Corinthians 12 2 Befor u joind Ceiling Cat's church u worshipd idolz. -- 1 Corinthians 12 3 If enniwun sez "Boo on Jesus," day iz not inspaird bai Hovr Cat. N if dey sez "Jesus r00lz," dey is inspaired by Hovr Cat. -- 1 Corinthians 12 4 Hovr Cat givz lotz of prezentz. -- 1 Corinthians 12 5 N u can servz Ceiling Cat lotz of waiz. -- 1 Corinthians 12 6 Ceiling Cat wurkz lotz of waiz in evribodi. -- 1 Corinthians 12 7 Hovr Cat duz thingz for evribodi's good. -- 1 Corinthians 12 8 He givz wun d00d wisdm, anothr d00d informashnz, -- 1 Corinthians 12 9 anothr d00d faith, anothr d00d healin buffz, -- 1 Corinthians 12 10 anothr d00d suprpowrz, anothrd d00d forchntellin, anothr d00d tellin teh differnce betwin spiritz, anothr d00d speakin differnt langwijz, an anothr d00d understandn differnt langwijz. -- 1 Corinthians 12 11 Teh saem Hovr Cat givz all dese different prezentz. -- 1 Corinthians 12 12 OK dis part iz deepz. Teh bodi is jus wun thing, but it gotz lotz of partz. Jesus is liek dat. -- 1 Corinthians 12 13 We all hadded a baff and maded us wun church, no mattr who we wuz befor. -- 1 Corinthians 12 14 Liek I sez, teh bodi haz lotz of partz. -- 1 Corinthians 12 15 If teh paw sez "I quit teh bodi LOL," dat not meanz it stopz bein part of teh bodi. -- 1 Corinthians 12 16 An if teh ear sez "I iz not a eye, I quit," it duzint stopz bein part of teh bodi eithr. -- 1 Corinthians 12 17 Imagine if teh whoal bodi was an eye LOL. U cudnt hear nothin. Or if teh whoal bodi wuz an ear, u cudnt smell. -- 1 Corinthians 12 18 Ceiling Cat putted teh bodi togethr in a sensibul wai. -- 1 Corinthians 12 19 If dey wuz all teh saem teh bodi wud suk. -- 1 Corinthians 12 20 So mani partz, wun bodi, k? -- 1 Corinthians 12 21 Teh eye cant tell teh paw "I dont need u!" An teh hed cant sai to teh pawz "Go awai." -- 1 Corinthians 12 22 Teh weakist partz of teh bodi iz not opshnlz. -- 1 Corinthians 12 23 An teh partz we thinkz iz nasti is importnt too. Evn if we duz not show dem to evribodi. -- 1 Corinthians 12 24 Ceiling Cat maded teh whoal bodi, even teh nasti partz, -- 1 Corinthians 12 25 so evri part is ekwil OK. -- 1 Corinthians 12 26 If wun part hurtz evrithing hurtz. Or if wun part feelz gud, u getz teh idea. -- 1 Corinthians 12 27 U iz teh bodi of Christ. Evri wun of u is part of it. -- 1 Corinthians 12 28 In teh church Ceiling Cat haz leadrz, den peepl who tellz teh fyoochr, den teachrz, den mirakul wrkrz, den healrz, helprz, middl manijmint, n translatrz. -- 1 Corinthians 12 29 Iz evriwun a leadr? A fyoochrtellr? -- 1 Corinthians 12 30 U getz teh idea, evribodi iz differnt. -- 1 Corinthians 12 31 U shud want teh good prezentz of cors. Now I will showz u teh best wai. -- 1 Corinthians 12 1 iff i talkd wif teh tungz of manz n angylz, n duzzn haz luff, i are becom liek teh human, knockin down all teh potz n panz frm teh shelf, srsly. -- 1 Corinthians 13 2 iff i haz powarz of liek tellin the futurez an, an i gotz all teh missteriez an all teh knowingz an all teh faithz, enuff 2 taek all teh mowntanz awayz, an i duzzn haz luff, i gotz nuffink. -- 1 Corinthians 13 3 an evn iff i givez all mai stuffz awai, n iff i delivur mai bodiz to b burnded up, and i duzzn haz luff, i gotz nuffink. -- 1 Corinthians 13 4 luv is pashient n kind, luv haz no jelusniss or showin offz, luv no is stuck-up -- 1 Corinthians 13 5 or r00dz. Luv no insistzes on doin it rite, itz not pisst off alla tiem or rezentfluffle. -- 1 Corinthians 13 6 luv izzn all happiez about doin it wrong, but is happiez about teh truthz. -- 1 Corinthians 13 7 luv putz up wiht all teh stuffz, beelivez all teh stuffz, hoepz for all teh stuffz. Luv putz up wiht all teh stuffz. i sed that areddy. -- 1 Corinthians 13 8 luv no haz endingz. Tellin the futurez, tungz, an alla stuffz u know wil die. -- 1 Corinthians 13 9 we haz knowingz a bit, an we haz profacy a bit. We no haz 2 much tho. -- 1 Corinthians 13 10 o, wait. wen teh perfict coemz, teh not perfict will dyez, lolol. -- 1 Corinthians 13 11 wen i wuz a kitten, i meweded leik a kitten, thinkded liek a kittenz, an I chazed strings liek a kittenz. wen i wuz becomez a cat, i NOT WANT kitten waiz ne moar. -- 1 Corinthians 13 12 for nao we see in teh foggy mirorr like when teh human gets out of teh shower, but tehn we see faec tow faec. Nao i haz knowingz just a bit, tehn i will haz all teh knowingz, as i haz been knownz. -- 1 Corinthians 13 13 nao faithz an hoepz an luvs r hear, theses threes, but teh bestest iz teh luvs, srsly. -- 1 Corinthians 13 1 U shud want prezintz from Hovr Cat. Espeshli tellin teh fyoochr. -- 1 Corinthians 14 2 Bcz if u speakz in anothr tung ur not talkin to peeplz. Jus to Ceiling Cat. Bcz no wun understandz u. -- 1 Corinthians 14 3 If u tellz teh fyoochr tho evribodi understandz dat. -- 1 Corinthians 14 4 If u speakz in anothr tug itz good for u, but if u tellz teh fyoochr itz good for teh whoal church. Espeshli if u duz lotteri numbrz. -- 1 Corinthians 14 5 It wud be graet if all of u spoek in tungz, but evn bettr if u told teh fyoochr. Or at leest if teh peepl speekin in tungz wud tel us what dey meenz. -- 1 Corinthians 14 6 If I speekz anothr tung what good is dat, if i iznt tellin u nufin usefl? -- 1 Corinthians 14 7 At leest when sumwun plaiz musik it soundz niec. -- 1 Corinthians 14 8 Or if u iz playin teh trumpet, we shud know if u iz playin revilli or tapz. -- 1 Corinthians 14 9 Saem wif u. Srsly, when u speekz anohtr tung we cant tell what u iz sayin. -- 1 Corinthians 14 10 Whai doant u lrn a real langwij dat meenz sumthin. -- 1 Corinthians 14 11 If I duznt speek Korian, an a Korian tellz me sumthin important, I woant get it wil i. -- 1 Corinthians 14 12 So if ur goin to hav spirichl prezintz, at leest trai to do sumthin useful, kthanx. -- 1 Corinthians 14 13 If u talkz in anothr tung u shud prai to unrstandz whut u sez. -- 1 Corinthians 14 14 Bcz when u prayz in anohtr tung ur spirit iz prayin, but ur mind iz slackin off. -- 1 Corinthians 14 15 I pray wif mai spirit an mai mind at teh saem tiem. -- 1 Corinthians 14 16 If u iz prayin in church in anothr tung, evribodi who duznt undrstand u iz lefted out. -- 1 Corinthians 14 17 Itz not doin dem enni good iz it. -- 1 Corinthians 14 18 I speakz in tungz moar dan eni of u. -- 1 Corinthians 14 19 But in church I wud rathr say faiv sensibl thingz than 10,000 wrdz of nonsens in anothr tung. -- 1 Corinthians 14 20 Gro up alredi. -- 1 Corinthians 14 21 Ceiling Cat sez"I wil talk to uthru peepl talkin all weerdan thru forinerz,but itz not laik eniwunz goin to lissn." -- 1 Corinthians 14 22 Tungz ar to impress n00bz, not to teech beleevrz ennithin. But professi is for beleevrz, not n00bz. -- 1 Corinthians 14 23 If sum n00b comz to church an hearz evribodi speakin in anothr tung, he wil be liek "Srsly WTF? dey iz nutz. LOL." -- 1 Corinthians 14 24 But if a n00b comz in when sumwun is tellin teh fyoochr, he will be liek "Whoa! -- 1 Corinthians 14 25 Ceiling Cat r00lz!" -- 1 Corinthians 14 26 Teh whoal point of gettin togethr in church iz to do teh church sum good. -- 1 Corinthians 14 27 If sumbodi wantz to speek in anothr tung, doant do it all at teh saem tiem. O an sumwun shud explain what it meenz. -- 1 Corinthians 14 28 If dere iz no interpretr, teh peepl who want to speek in anothr tung shud just STFU. -- 1 Corinthians 14 29 A cuppl of peepl shud tell teh fyoochr, and teh rest shud think about what dey sedded. -- 1 Corinthians 14 30 If sumbodi whoz sittin down has a vizion, whoevrz talkin should STFU. -- 1 Corinthians 14 31 Be good an taek turnz. -- 1 Corinthians 14 32 U can behaev when ur tellin teh fyoochr, -- 1 Corinthians 14 33 bcz Ceiling Cat isnt disorderli. He is peacefl.Saem az in all teh churchz, -- 1 Corinthians 14 34 ladiez should STFU. Dat is teh law. -- 1 Corinthians 14 35 If dey haz kweschnz dey can ask deir huzbndz at hoem LOL. Ladiez shudnt talk in church, itz bad. -- 1 Corinthians 14 36 Did Ceiling Cat's wurdz start wif u? Or iz u teh onli wunz dat knowz about it? -- 1 Corinthians 14 37 If u think u iz a profit or speshul, u need to sai "What Paul iz tellin me now iz also whut Ceilin Cat commandz." -- 1 Corinthians 14 38 If he ignorz dis, ignor him bak LOL. -- 1 Corinthians 14 39 So u shud want to tell teh fyoochr. An it iz OK to speek in anothr tung sumtaimz. -- 1 Corinthians 14 40 But dere is a riet an a rong wai of doin thingz u know. -- 1 Corinthians 14 1 OK, remembr what I told u befor about Jesus, itz importnt. -- 1 Corinthians 15 2 If u follo what I tolded u, u wil be saevd. Othrwaiz itz no use. -- 1 Corinthians 15 3 Dis iz teh moast importnt thing: Jesus died becz of our Invisible Errors (liek it sez in teh Bible), -- 1 Corinthians 15 4 he wuz burieded an caem bak to lief on teh thrd dai (liek it sez in teh Bible). -- 1 Corinthians 15 5 Peter seed him an so did his twelv followrz. -- 1 Corinthians 15 6 An after dat fiev hundrid peeplz seed him. Sum iz evn stil aliev. -- 1 Corinthians 15 7 Jamez seed him too, -- 1 Corinthians 15 8 an I wuz last, liek teh redhedded stepchield LOL. -- 1 Corinthians 15 9 I iz teh leest importnt of Jesuss followrz. I duzint evn dizurv to be wun, bcz I wuz meen to Ceiling Cat's church. -- 1 Corinthians 15 10 But Ceiling Cat wuz niec to me. I iz what I iz. I wrkd rilli hard, hardr dan ennibodi, but rilli all teh credit goez to Ceiling Cat. -- 1 Corinthians 15 11 So no mattr who sez it, dis iz what we tellz evribodi, and dis iz what u beleevded. -- 1 Corinthians 15 12 So u knowz Jesus comd bak from teh dead. So how comz sum of u saiz dat no wun cumz bak from teh ded? Dat iz a contradikshn LOL. -- 1 Corinthians 15 13 If no wun comz bak from teh dead, Jesus didint com bak eithr. -- 1 Corinthians 15 14 An if Jesus didint com bak from teh ded, what we tellz evribodi is useliss an what u beleev is useless too. -- 1 Corinthians 15 15 Plus it maeks us liarz. -- 1 Corinthians 15 16 If no wun comz bak from teh dead, Jesus didint com bak eithr. -- 1 Corinthians 15 17 An if Jesus didint com bak from teh dead, what u beleev duzint maek enni differns an u iz stil stuk wif ur Invisible Errors. -- 1 Corinthians 15 18 An dat meenz evribodi who beleevz in Jesus is losted. -- 1 Corinthians 15 19 Which wud maek us pretti pathetek wudnt it. -- 1 Corinthians 15 20 But Jesus rilli did com bak from teh ded. He wuz teh frst wun. -- 1 Corinthians 15 21 Deth comd bcz of a man (thatz Adam k) an now victri ovr deth comz bcz of a man (thatz Jesus k). -- 1 Corinthians 15 22 Evribodi diez bcz of Adam, but now evribodi can be aliev bcz of Jesus. -- 1 Corinthians 15 23 U haz to taek turnz tho. Jesus frst, den dose who bilongz to him. Datz u k. -- 1 Corinthians 15 24 Den teh end wil com, when Ceiling Cat haz destroid evribodi elsiz powr, kingz n evribodi, n Jesus givz him teh wurld. -- 1 Corinthians 15 25 Jesus wil be in charj until he haz beatnd all his enemiz. -- 1 Corinthians 15 26 An teh last enemi to be destroid will be deth. -- 1 Corinthians 15 27 Teh book sez Jesus "haz putted evrithing undr hiz pawz." (Evrithin duzint inclood Ceiling Cat k) -- 1 Corinthians 15 28 Aftr all dat iz dun, Jesus wil turn evrithin ovr to Ceiling Cat. -- 1 Corinthians 15 29 OK suppoez no wun can com bak from teh ded. In dat caes what iz teh uze of givn peepl teh baff to taekz awai dere sinz? -- 1 Corinthians 15 30 An what iz we gettin ourselvz in trubbl for? -- 1 Corinthians 15 31 i die evri dai - srsly - saem as I iz happi about u bcz of Jesus. -- 1 Corinthians 15 32 If I fieted wif lionz jus to sho off, what good iz dat enniwai? If teh dead iz not comin bak,"Letz eat cookies n drink milkz,bcz we die tomorro enniwai." -- 1 Corinthians 15 33 U know what dey sai, "If u lie down wif dogz, u get up wif fleez." -- 1 Corinthians 15 34 Bihaev urselfz an get bak to wrk. Lotz of peeplz duzint evn no about Ceiling Cat u know. -- 1 Corinthians 15 35 Sum peeplz ask "When we com bak from teh ded will we be liek OMG zombiz or whut?" -- 1 Corinthians 15 36 Datz jus silli. -- 1 Corinthians 15 37 When u iz plantin stuffz, u plantz teh seedz, u duz not plant teh plantz LOL. -- 1 Corinthians 15 38 God maekz it gro into teh kiend of plant it needz to be. -- 1 Corinthians 15 39 Evri bodi iz differnt. (I iz not jus sayin evribodi is different LOL, I meen teh akchl bodi.) Catz haz wun kiend of bodi, dogz haz a differnt wun, birdz haz a different wun, fish haz a differnt wun, u gets teh idea. -- 1 Corinthians 15 40 Saem wai, dere iz regyulr bodiz an dere is hevnli bodiz. Liek Jenna Jameson LOL. -- 1 Corinthians 15 41 Teh sun iz shini, teh moon iz shini in a differnt wai, an teh starz is shini too. -- 1 Corinthians 15 42 Saem wai when teh ded comz bak. -- 1 Corinthians 15 43 Ur old bodi iz probli not all dat graet honnstli. But teh new wun wil be bettr. Teh old wun wuz weak, but teh new wun kickz ass. -- 1 Corinthians 15 44 It startid out az a regyulr bodi, now itz a spirichl bodi. -- 1 Corinthians 15 45 Teh Bible sez "Teh first man, Adam, becomd a livin bein." Teh last Adam iz a spirit who givz lief. I meanz Jesus if u cant tel. -- 1 Corinthians 15 46 Teh naturl caem first, den teh spirichl. -- 1 Corinthians 15 47 Teh first man wuz maed of drt; teh secnd caem from teh Ceiling. -- 1 Corinthians 15 48 Peepl frm urth ar liek teh liek teh first d00d, peepl from teh Ceiling ar liek teh secnd d00d. -- 1 Corinthians 15 49 Riet now we iz liek teh frst d00d. When we comz bak from teh dead we wil be liek teh second d00d tho. -- 1 Corinthians 15 50 Regyulr bodiz cant go to teh Ceiling. Dey iz liek milk, dey duzint keep. -- 1 Corinthians 15 51 But I wil tel u a sekrit. When we die we woant jus lie dere, we wil be chaenjd, -- 1 Corinthians 15 52 when teh anjl Gabriel plays teh trumpet an we getz up again. -- 1 Corinthians 15 53 We wil put on a new bodi liek puttin on new clothz. -- 1 Corinthians 15 54 When dat happnz diz sayin wil com tru: "Deth u lose LOL." -- 1 Corinthians 15 55 "Haha deth I pwnded u.U iz not doin no damaj now huh." -- 1 Corinthians 15 56 Teh damaj dat deth duz iz teh Invizible Error. An teh powr of sin iz teh law. (Teh old law, in teh Old Testamint.) -- 1 Corinthians 15 57 But Ceiling Cat givz us victri thru Jesus, thank u Ceiling Cat. -- 1 Corinthians 15 58 So doant worri an doant let ennithin discurij u. Wrk hard for Ceiling Cat, bcz u knowz u iz doin sum good. -- 1 Corinthians 15 1 OK so liek bout wat u wroted bout a money 4 Judea. -- 1 Corinthians 16 2 Day affer caturday u gots poot sum monay, an iz gotsa b porproshunal 2 wat u makez. Den u gotz save it up so u no needz get a monay when I iz comin. -- 1 Corinthians 16 3 Den wen I iz comin I gives lettarz to peepul u haz approovd and sends dem 2 Jeruslem. -- 1 Corinthians 16 4 If I tinks I iz going den day can comez with me. -- 1 Corinthians 16 5 I comez to u aftar I iz done going thru de Macedenonia. -- 1 Corinthians 16 6 I probly stayz with u 4 teh wintars, den u halp me on my naxt trip. -- 1 Corinthians 16 7 I wantz to stay with u 4 longtime if Ceiling Cat sez it'z ok. -- 1 Corinthians 16 8 I stayz un Ephesus til teh Pentecostz. -- 1 Corinthians 16 9 Dare iz opportuniteez 4 grate werkz evan tho thare iz much badcatz. -- 1 Corinthians 16 10 Den if Timothyz iz liek "hay guyz" u walcome him b/c he werk 4 Ceiling Cat. -- 1 Corinthians 16 11 No 1 luks daown on him but instad u halp him continyoo hiz trip An he comez back 2 me. -- 1 Corinthians 16 12 Naow bout dem brudder Apollos. I haz acouraged him 2 vizit u wit udder b'leeverz be iz not convinsed he goez 2 u dis tiem. Wen he getz the chanse tho, he comez. -- 1 Corinthians 16 13 U b alert n standz firm in de faithz. B strong n brayv. -- 1 Corinthians 16 14 Doez ur werk in luv. -- 1 Corinthians 16 15 U no bout Stephanas An famlee. Day iz furst Chriztian convertz in Achaia and haz given demselvz to do serviz uv God's peepul. I begz u my frendz. -- 1 Corinthians 16 16 Den u gotz follaow da leedershipz of peepul like deze, An all hoo werk An serv with demz. -- 1 Corinthians 16 17 I iz happy bout coming uv Stepanas, Fortunatus, An Achaicus; day iz makez up 4 ur absense. -- 1 Corinthians 16 18 Also day haz cheered meh upz liek day cheered u upz. Day dezervez noticez. -- 1 Corinthians 16 19 Asia churchuz sendz u greetingz; Aquila An Priscilla An church wit demz sends greetingz. -- 1 Corinthians 16 20 All b'leevurs sends greetingz. Greetz with kizz uv luvz. -- 1 Corinthians 16 21 Wit meh own pah I sez greetingz frum Paul. -- 1 Corinthians 16 22 Huevar duz not luv da Ceiling Cat a curz on him. Marana Tha - Ceiling Cat come! -- 1 Corinthians 16 23 Da graze of Lord Jebus be with u. -- 1 Corinthians 16 24 Mah luv with u in Chrizt Jebus. -- 1 Corinthians 16 1 Paul iz Jesus Christ homee, K? Only coz Ceiling Cat wants it. So does Timothy - sumwun's bro. Thru Chrch the Ceiling Cat in this plays Corinth and all Hovr Peeple and Saynts in Achaia. -- 2 Corinthians 1 2 Greys and pees from Ceiling Cat and hardcore homee Jeebus. -- 2 Corinthians 1 3 The Ceiling Cat ov all Soft Pillos and Cats in Racks (rly comfutabl playses, k?) -- 2 Corinthians 1 4 So biggin it up for Ceiling Cat. He ttally wants you to have comfutabl playses and many Cheezburgrs. Ceiling Cat comfits u wen ur homeez give you truble. Also, so u can comfit:( homeez wen they need chring up. -- 2 Corinthians 1 5 U no how Chryst was all "ow!" and "forgive them Ceiling Cat, don't thay no hoo Iam?" and u feels hiz hurts? Well, u can feels hiz Cheezburgrz and comfit 2 -- 2 Corinthians 1 6 If u get:( is just so you can be:) agen. Plus, u ttally needz to get:-( soz u can feel rlly:-) wen good thingz hpn. U just needz to be chillaxed and pashent wen:-( and trust Ceiling Cat. -- 2 Corinthians 1 7 We ttally have bigbig lolz and hopez and dreemz for u. Coz even tho u are all "ow!" u lik soft pillos and racks lik uz for cumfit. -- 2 Corinthians 1 8 Wez up in azia with dem azns and der mad cat-fu skillz. Dey up in our housez takin our pillos. And wez be all:-(. -- 2 Corinthians 1 9 But wez totally gonnnna die! Ceiling Cat be making mad zombies. -- 2 Corinthians 1 1 So Im prty shur I dun not wanna come c u agin. -- 2 Corinthians 2 2 DO NOT WANT! K!? -- 2 Corinthians 2 3 I thougt all teh kittehs were kewl wit 1anothr an maek lots of LOLs. -- 2 Corinthians 2 4 But srsly, now I no has LOLs n its al ur faultz. -- 2 Corinthians 2 5 No offenc r ne thing but if 1 kitteh cauze grief den al teh kittehz gunna be greifed. -- 2 Corinthians 2 6 N den evry buddy gunna b piszed off @ 1 anodr. -- 2 Corinthians 2 7 U kittehz shud 4give n comfit 1 annothr, k? Itz no fun bein depressd. -- 2 Corinthians 2 8 Srsly guyz, reafirm ur luffs 4 ech uddr. -- 2 Corinthians 2 9 Teh reazin I wrote 2 uze wuz 2 c if u were all lisN 2 me n doin wut I sed. -- 2 Corinthians 2 10 If u 4giv uddr kittahs, I 4gives em 2. O wait nvm itz Gzus who 4givez peeps. -- 2 Corinthians 2 11 Ne wayz mai point iz we dont wunt Hitlercat 2 pwn us. -- 2 Corinthians 2 12 Wen I went 2 Troas Ceiling Cat had alreddy prapaerd mai litterbox. Awsum! -- 2 Corinthians 2 13 I wuz still trubbled tho. I lukd 4 Titus but no find. So I wuz liek "4get u guyz" n I left. -- 2 Corinthians 2 14 O BTW, thx 2 Ceiling Cat who alwayz leed us 2 da scent of cheezburgrs. -- 2 Corinthians 2 15 Wutz dat smell? Itz cheezburgrs! An Gzus. We al smell liek Gzuz LOL. -- 2 Corinthians 2 16 Sum kittehs smel like teh Hitlercat tho, n dat is nasti. -- 2 Corinthians 2 17 We dunt sell Gzus 4 teh moneys (altho teh moneys r nice LOL jk) but we r alwaiz tellin da troof. -- 2 Corinthians 2 1 Iz we doin' our own lulz again? Or duz we needs lulz from other peeps like some kitteh? -- 2 Corinthians 3 2 Youz is our forevah lulz, that ever'body readz. -- 2 Corinthians 3 3 Youz iz lulz from teh great Ceiling Cat, and he madez you into a lulz instead ov makin' lulz wit payper and stuff. -- 2 Corinthians 3 4 We haz big harbls, cuz Ceiling Cat gots our back. -- 2 Corinthians 3 5 We iz but teensy kitteh, but Ceiling Cat is bigbig kitteh, so we can acts big. -- 2 Corinthians 3 6 He makes us acts big so we can give lulz bout new promiss, not a payper promiss but a ghost kitteh promiss dat we can haz way more den 9 lives. -- 2 Corinthians 3 7 Now teh old promiss wuz pretty gud, an Israelites was thinkin' Moses was all shiny and hard to lookz at, -- 2 Corinthians 3 8 but our promiss is SO shiny, OMG. -- 2 Corinthians 3 9 Teh old promiss wuz all bout kickin' butt, but teh new promiss is bout bein gud kitteh forevah. -- 2 Corinthians 3 10 And teh old shiny is not shiny n e moar, cuz our shiny is so bling it way kuler. -- 2 Corinthians 3 11 And our shiny is teh forevah shiny, and your old shiny wuz not, so nuh. -- 2 Corinthians 3 12 So cuz our shiny iz so neat, we iz brave like big jungle kitteh. -- 2 Corinthians 3 13 We no hide our shiny like that pussy Moses, tryin' to protect teh Israelites. -- 2 Corinthians 3 14 Cuz teh Israelites can't see teh shiny in the old promise, so ours iz moar gud. -- 2 Corinthians 3 15 Even just talking 'bout Moses make Israel kitteh go to sleep. -- 2 Corinthians 3 16 But we wakes dem up when they hearz bout Ceiling Cat. -- 2 Corinthians 3 17 Ceiling Cat is like, sorta Ghost Cat, and Ghost Cat brings freedum. -- 2 Corinthians 3 18 And us kitteh who not hide our shiny lookz more like Ceiling Cat every day. -- 2 Corinthians 3 1 So we knoes if teh big earth place wear we livz be destroy-ed, we goes to livz wit teh Ceiling Cat in teh big howz in teh ceiling that he maded his self. -- 2 Corinthians 5 2 We really wantz to live wit teh Ceiling Cat -- 2 Corinthians 5 3 cuz we knoes that if we livz wit teh Ceiling Cat we has cheezburgers and bukkits. -- 2 Corinthians 5 4 But for now it is teh sux becuz we don't has cheezburgers and they stoled all bukkits and we really isn't happy cuz we wants to live wit Ceiling Cat wear we eatz cheezburgers by teh dozens! -- 2 Corinthians 5 5 Ceiling Cat has did this on purpose tho cuz we has to earn cheezburgerz and teh great bukkit in teh ceiling. -- 2 Corinthians 5 6 So we alwaiz knoes that we'z herre and not therr wit Ceiling Cat. -- 2 Corinthians 5 7 We has teh faith thing, not proof or nuthin. -- 2 Corinthians 5 8 Yeah, we confidunt but prefers Ceiling Cat Land. -- 2 Corinthians 5 9 So we tries to make him laiks us and we give him bukkits of cheezburgers and not eateds them ourselfs evun tho we not even in teh ceiling yet. -- 2 Corinthians 5 10 Cuz we knoes that we has to stand at invisuble gate to ceiling and shows that we not peed on carpet or tear up sofa or nuthin cuz we gets our cheezburgers if we dun good stuff and not be bad. -- 2 Corinthians 5 11 Cuz we knoes what its laik to be scared of Ceiling Cat and stuff we tries to get other lolcats to be good and stuff, too. Ceiling Cat knoes and we should kno he knoes and try not to do bad stuff. -- 2 Corinthians 5 12 We not tries to make u believz us, but really yeah we is cuz we thinks we is rite cuz u not does stuff rite. -- 2 Corinthians 5 13 If we is crazy, it's for teh Ceiling Cat. If not, u shood do what we do. -- 2 Corinthians 5 14 Our Ceiling Cat tells us to make u believs us cuz he died for you, dude. -- 2 Corinthians 5 15 He dieded for every lolcat and lolphin and lolrus so that we allz follow him and stuff. -- 2 Corinthians 5 16 So we don't think laik u other lolcats do. We did thinked laik that, tho, but not anymoar. -- 2 Corinthians 5 17 If u is one wit teh Ceiling Cat then u old self is gone and a nu one tooked its place. -- 2 Corinthians 5 18 I gotted all dis from Ceiling Cat who dieded so our bad stuff wasn't so bad no moar and we could make up for it and stuff. -- 2 Corinthians 5 19 Cuz Ceiling Cat killed his self in hooman form so all the bad stuff we do not so bad no moar. -- 2 Corinthians 5 20 So now we ambasadoors of Ceiling Cat and we talk for him and stuff. Don't keep doin bad stuff and say youz sry if u does plzkthnx. -- 2 Corinthians 5 21 Ceiling Cat maded his self into a hooman and didunt do nuthin wrong so he could take care of all teh bad stuff for us and we cud be one wit Ceiling Cat. -- 2 Corinthians 5 1 Oh hai! Dis Paul. I'z sent not by mans but by Baby Jesus and by Ceiling Cat that made him zomby. -- Galatians 1 2 Deer Galatians, -- Galatians 1 3 Peas and cookies 2 u from Ceiling Cat and Baby Jesus, -- Galatians 1 4 Who saved from sinz and rezqued u from evil now time, -- Galatians 1 5 And gotz gloree 4 eva and eva and eva and eva. Srsly. -- Galatians 1 6 I r stonishd that u reads otha book, -- Galatians 1 7 It not realz gosple at all. Sumbunny is can pervert gosples 2 confooz u. -- Galatians 1 8 If me or ne buddy elz preechedz more diferanter gosples than other gosples, they be doin it wrong. -- Galatians 1 9 ditto 4 empathis -- Galatians 1 10 I am try to get cookies from mans or from Ceiling Cat? If to try to pleas mans, not be srvants of Christ, and that badz. -- Galatians 1 1 Aftr forteen yeerz I wented bak to Jerusalem with Barnabus. O an Titus too. -- Galatians 2 2 I hadded a vizion an wented to tell teh Gentiles about Jesus. (Peepl who iz not Jews iz Gentiles k.) I just talkted to sum peeplz in praivit, tho, bcz i felted kinda silli. -- Galatians 2 3 Titus wuz a Greek an not a Jew. So he hiz man-harblz no wuz cutted liek a Jews. But no wun maeded him do it. -- Galatians 2 4 Teh argumentz about manharblz wuz started bai spiez who haet freedm. -- Galatians 2 5 But we didint let dem beat us. -- Galatians 2 6 Dere wuz sum d00dz actin important but I duzint caer LOL. -- Galatians 2 7 Itz mai job to tel teh Gentiles about Jesus, saem as Peter wuz tellin teh Jews about him. -- Galatians 2 8 Ceiling Cat iz workin thru both of us k. -- Galatians 2 9 James, Peter, n John cud tell an so dey wuz niec to me an Barnabas. -- Galatians 2 10 Dey wuz liek "jus doant forgit teh poor kthnx" an I wuz liek "u doant evin need to ask." -- Galatians 2 11 When Peter comd to Antioch, I got in hiz faec bcz he wuz so rong. -- Galatians 2 12 He use to eat cookies wif teh Gentilez. But den James sented sum srtin peeplz, I iz not goin to naem naemz, u knowz who dey iz. After dat Peter wuz too cool to eat wif teh Gentiles no moar. -- Galatians 2 13 Teh othr Jews wuz all actin teh saem way. Evn Barnabas. -- Galatians 2 14 I callded Peter out about it in front of evribodi. I wuz liek "U iz a Jew, but u livz liek a Gentile insted of liek a Jew. So why u iz makin teh Gentiles liv liek Jews?" -- Galatians 2 15 Since we iz Jews, -- Galatians 2 16 we know dat nobodi getz to go to teh Ceiling bcz dey obey teh law. Beleevin in Jesus iz teh onli wai to get dere. -- Galatians 2 17 Spoze dat whiel we iz tryin to get riet wif Jesus, we maekz sum Invisible Errors an evribodi notisiz LOL. Duz dat meen Jesus iz in favor of Invisible Errors? Hell noes! -- Galatians 2 18 If I braekz sumthin an den fixiz it, I iz obviusli a criminl. -- Galatians 2 19 Bcz thru teh law, I died to tel law, so dat I cud liv for Ceiling Cat. -- Galatians 2 20 I died wif Jesus, but Jesus iz in me livin. I liv bai beleevin in Jesus, who liekded me an died for me. -- Galatians 2 21 It iz importnt dat Ceiling Cat forgivz us. If u cud get forgivniss thru obeyin teh law, den Christ died for nothin. Think about dat for a whiel. -- Galatians 2 1 Stoopid n00bs! Wut dangles the string in frunt of u? U saw teh man on stix? -- Galatians 3 2 U can haz no catnip from Ceiling Cat, win u playz nice! lol! Not less u can has trusts! -- Galatians 3 3 U silly! U haz teh catnips, but you eated it! Now u try try to be good? -- Galatians 3 4 Is u just chasin tail? -- Galatians 3 5 Does Ceiling Cat has for u catnip and finger wigle trix cuz u gud? Or cuz u has trusts? -- Galatians 3 6 Abraham can has trusts, and Ceiling Cat said good kitah! -- Galatians 3 7 Win u can has trusts, us is like Abraham! -- Galatians 3 8 A long book sayd the Ceiling Cat, even lieks ppl who ownz teh doogie when dey gots teh trusts! Das y Abraham wuz so kewl. -- Galatians 3 9 Trusts and u is liek Abraham. U is a trustee kitteh! -- Galatians 3 10 U gets teh squirt gunz when u tries to be lurn teh rulz, u cant do all dat stuff! Iz hard:( -- Galatians 3 11 Jus no teh rulz iz not enuf! U haz better hav sum trusts. -- Galatians 3 12 Teh rulz iz not frum trusts, u gotsa do them! -- Galatians 3 13 Jesus tuk teh made dem pore out tehy squirt gunz wen they put him on teh stix. And he got squirtd reel bad. -- Galatians 3 14 Even dog lovrz can has good kitteh treets like Abraham, cuz teh Ceiling Cat promizd to maek us all good kittehs! -- Galatians 3 15 Fellow kittehs, no how u can not say you can has cheezburgr, and then say it wuz more liek 2 cheezburgr? Iz liek that. -- Galatians 3 16 Teh promiz was jus to Abraham and hiz kittehs. Not evryun! But reely, he meaned Baby Jesus... -- Galatians 3 17 All dem reely ole rulz, didn maek the Ceiling Cat and hiz promize juz sum junk. -- Galatians 3 18 It no jus come frum rulz, or elz it a bad promiz. Ceiling Cat made a gud promiz for Abraham. -- Galatians 3 19 How come all dem rulz, den? Cuz of all of teh Ceiling Cat's flyin mans, who no did like teh bad kittehs who made bafroom on teh floor. Cuz teh promiz had said dey wuld fly down an say stuf. -- Galatians 3 20 All dem flyin men had to go frum teh Ceiling Cat and uz. -- Galatians 3 21 All dem rulz dont go to bad wif a promiz. But juz dem rulz caint maek u a good kitteh. -- Galatians 3 22 All uz kittehs wuld get teh squirt bottle, cuz dem rulz so hard, but we can has trusts like Baby Jesus. And then we is good kittehs. -- Galatians 3 23 B4, we wuz all just bound to got squirted, but now we don gotta, cuz we can has trusts! -- Galatians 3 24 All dem rulz showed us how to have trusts like Baby Jesus, and no did get squirted. -- Galatians 3 25 Ditto. -- Galatians 3 26 U is belong to Ceiling Cat win u has trusts in teh Baby Jesus. -- Galatians 3 27 U got a baf, but it wuz for ur own good and now u iz cleen. -- Galatians 3 28 All u kittehs can b famly wif teh Baby Jesus. -- Galatians 3 29 If u is wif him, u getz to cher hiz strings! -- Galatians 3 1 OK, so until teh kid growz up an can inheret evrithing, he miet as wel be a slaev, evn tho he ownz teh plaec. -- Galatians 4 2 Bcz he has to do what evriwun sez until he growz up. -- Galatians 4 3 We iz kind of liek dat. -- Galatians 4 4 But when we had growd up, Ceiling Cat sended his kittn, -- Galatians 4 5 so we wud get our inheritens. -- Galatians 4 6 Ceiling Cat's spirit iz in our hartz, sayin "Daddi, daddi," -- Galatians 4 7 So you iz not a slaev no moar, u iz Ceiling Cat's kittn, an you iz gettin an inheritens from him. -- Galatians 4 8 Befor u joinded teh church, u wuz slaevz to evrithin but Ceiling Cat. -- Galatians 4 9 But now u knowz bettr, so why iz u goin bak to ur old waiz? Duz u wantz to be slaevz agin? -- Galatians 4 10 U iz sayin sum daiz an monthz an yearz is speshl! -- Galatians 4 11 Sumtiemz i feel liek i iz wastin mai tiem on u. -- Galatians 4 12 Be liek me. -- Galatians 4 13 I startid tellin u about Jesus because I wuz sik an coughin up hairballz. -- Galatians 4 14 Dealin wif teh hairballz wuz ruff for u but u treeted me niec enniwai. U akted niec, liek i wuz an anjil or even Jesus. -- Galatians 4 15 Why izint u happi wif me no moar? When i meeted u, u wud hav rippted out ur eyez an givn dem to me. i iz glad u didint but it iz teh thot dat countz. -- Galatians 4 16 So iz i ur enemi now becz i tellded u teh troof? -- Galatians 4 17 Sum peeplz iz tryin to get in good wif u to cauz u trubblz. -- Galatians 4 18 It iz OK to be entuziastik, if it iz for a good reezn. U can be enfuziyastik enni tiem, i duzint hav to be dere LOL. -- Galatians 4 19 Mai deer frendz, -- Galatians 4 20 i wish i cud be dere wif u, bcz u iz drivin me crazi. -- Galatians 4 21 U thinkz teh relijis law is so importnt, but duz u evn kno whatz in it? -- Galatians 4 22 It sez Abraham hadded two sonz, wun wif a slaev womn an wun wif a free womn. -- Galatians 4 23 Teh slaev womn's son wun born teh usuil wai, u know what dat iz LOL. But teh othr son wuz born bcz of a promis. -- Galatians 4 24 Dis is simbolizm OK. Teh wimn iz liek two differnt dealz Ceiling Cat maeded. Wun deal wuz maed on Mount Sinai an teh peepl who iz part of dat deal iz slaevs. Liek Hagar's childrin, u get it? -- Galatians 4 25 So she'z liek Jerusalem. -- Galatians 4 26 But our mothr is liek teh citi of Heaven. -- Galatians 4 27 Liek teh book sez:"If ur a womn wif no kidz u shud be happi,so akt liek it LOL,u duzint hav to hav kidz an dat hurtz;teh lonli woman haz moar kidzdan teh marrid wun LOL." -- Galatians 4 28 U iz liek teh childrin of Sarah, who wuz born bcz of teh promis remembr. -- Galatians 4 29 Teh kid who wuz born teh usuil wai wuz mean to teh kid who wuz born bcz of teh promis. Teh saem thing is happinin now LOL. -- Galatians 4 30 But liek teh book sez, "Thro teh slaev womn out, her kid duzint get teh othr kidz inheritens enniwai." -- Galatians 4 31 So our mothr iznt teh slaev womn, shez teh free womn. -- Galatians 4 1 Jesus setted us free so we cud be free, duh. Hang in ther an doan B slaves agayn. -- Galatians 5 2 If u getz circumsizeded, Jesus iz useliss to u. -- Galatians 5 3 Ennibodi who getziz circumsizeded has to follo all teh othr relijis lawz too. -- Galatians 5 4 Dat maekz Jesus sad, bcz u iz rejectin hiz giftz. He died so evriwun cud be saevd from Hell wifout teh law u know. -- Galatians 5 5 We know we wil be saevd from Hell bcz we beleevz in Jesus. -- Galatians 5 6 Whethr u haz ur forskin or not, Jesus duz not caer about dat. Beleevin an bein niec to peepl iz what countz. -- Galatians 5 7 U wuz doin so good, who maed u mess up so bad? -- Galatians 5 8 Not me datz for shur. -- Galatians 5 9 "A littl dabll do u." -- Galatians 5 10 I know dat jakass wil get whatz comin to him evenchli. -- Galatians 5 11 If i had realli ben tellin peepl to get circumsized, wudnt teh jackassiz leev me alone? -- Galatians 5 12 i wish dey wud jus cut teh whoal thing off LOL. -- Galatians 5 13 Jesus maed us free, but not to do whatevr we want. We shud be free to help eech othr. -- Galatians 5 14 U can boil teh law down to wun thing: "Liek eech othr k." -- Galatians 5 15 If u keep bitin an scratchin each othr, sumbudiz goin to get hurted. -- Galatians 5 16 So trust in teh Holy Spirit an u wil not giv in to Invisible Error so much. -- Galatians 5 17 Bcz ur sinful naechr wantz teh opposit of what teh Spirit wantz. -- Galatians 5 18 But if teh Holy Spirit leedz u, u duz not need teh relijis law. -- Galatians 5 19 It iz obvius what kiendz of thingz ur sinful naechr wantz. -- Galatians 5 20 I iz not going to riet dem all down LOL. If itz on TV, itz in da lsit of invisible errors. -- Galatians 5 21 If u iz livin liek dat, u is not goin to inherit Ceiling Cat's kingdm u know. -- Galatians 5 22 But all kiends of good thingz com from teh Holy Spirit. -- Galatians 5 23 An deyr not evn illegul. -- Galatians 5 24 If u belongz to Jesus, u haz killed ur sinful naechr. -- Galatians 5 25 We liv bai teh Spirit, so letz act liek it. -- Galatians 5 26 Letz not get stuk up an pester each othr an start catfiets. -- Galatians 5 1 If sumwun messez up u shud tel him. Be niec tho. An watch out bcz u miet maek mistaeks too. -- Galatians 6 2 Help each othr, datz what Jesus wants. -- Galatians 6 3 If u thinkz u iz importnt u iz rong. -- Galatians 6 4 U shud keep an eye on urself to maek shure u iz doin riet. Dat way u can be satesfied wif urself, wifout thinking ur bettr dan sumwun else. -- Galatians 6 5 An maek shure to do ur part wifout slackin k. -- Galatians 6 6 If sumwun iz teechin u about Jesus, u shud shaer ur cookies wif dem. -- Galatians 6 7 Ceiling Cat woant put up wif bein maed fun of. No two waiz about it. -- Galatians 6 8 If u plant nauti thingz, u wil harvist distrukshn LOL. If u plant what teh Holy Spirit lieks tho, he wil let u liv forevr. -- Galatians 6 9 Doant get tierd of bein good, bcz we can haz cheezburgrz if we doant giv up. -- Galatians 6 10 So letz be niec to evribodi. -- Galatians 6 11 My handrietin sux LOL! -- Galatians 6 12 Sum peepl wantz u to cut ur forskin off. Dis iz bcz dey iz afraid peepl wil treet them bad bcz dey is Christians. -- Galatians 6 13 Dey jus wantz to talk about ur bodi LOL. -- Galatians 6 14 i nevr bragz about anithin xcept Jesus. -- Galatians 6 15 Forskinz iznt importnt. Jesus's work iz all dat mattrz realli -- Galatians 6 16 i jus wantz evribodi who duz Ceiling Cat's work to be happi. -- Galatians 6 17 So doant giv me so much trubl no moar. -- Galatians 6 18 kthnxbai. -- Galatians 6 1 Frum Paul who be Jesus' bro to dose who liek Ceiling Cat in Ephesus." -- Ephesians 1 2 Luv anz cookies frum Ceiling Cat ur papa cat anz Lordz Jesus. -- Ephesians 1 3 Luv teh Ceiling Cat anz Lordz Jesus dat givez us free cookies, like teh radio gahiz, bro. -- Ephesians 1 4 Teh Ceiling Cat choze us to bez teh holey anz gudz b4 teh makin ov teh eerf. -- Ephesians 1 5 Ceiling Cat adopps uz az kittenz thru Loard Jesus -- Ephesians 1 6 an givz uz cookies an cheezburgrs thru Jesus. -- Ephesians 1 7 Jesus letz uz awf teh hook 4 arr invisible errorz. -- Ephesians 1 8 No end uv good bcuz Ceiling Cat has the brainz. -- Ephesians 1 9 He tellz us evrythin we needz ta Noah bout. -- Ephesians 1 10 Itz awl in wun cookie bag with teh nam uv Jesus awn it. -- Ephesians 1 1 Kiddeez, itz not wrong to obeyz mahs n pahs. -- Ephesians 6 2 "Honna ur mahs n pahs" — tis command one wit a promis — -- Ephesians 6 3 "tht it mite goes well wit u n tht u may hve long time on the earth n iz happy." -- Ephesians 6 1 'k Paul, a loongcatz ov Jesus Christ by hopez ov the Ceiling Cat, 'n Timothy, ovrz bro, -- Colossians 1 2 To the howly 'n faizfull broz in Jesus Christ at Colosse: Gracez 'n Piece (no cheezbrgr?!) fron da Ceiling Cat, ovrz dadz! -- Colossians 1 3 We r alwaiz thankingin the Ceiling Cat, da dadz ov ourz Bossman Jesus Christ, when weez sayz dis wurds ov prayr 4 ya, -- Colossians 1 4 cos we've ben 'earing ov ur belieff in Christ Jesus 'n 4 thee <3 luv <3 u haz 4 All Saints - -- Colossians 1 5 de fayth and <3 luvz <3 dat b coming fron ur depot ov hope up in da hoodz ov da Ceiling Cat 'n dat wich u haz allredy herd 'bout in da wordz ov thrught, dem gospilz -- Colossians 1 6 dat alrady cum 4 u. (no srsly, wan sentincz!) Evry place herez on diz planit dat gospil iz havin' fruitz and eez growin', jus' like 't haz bin growin' in youz when u heards it and de holy stufz ov the Ceiling Cat waz in al ov 'tz throuth wit ya. -- Colossians 1 7 Ourzs <3 luvd <3 Epaphras, uas teeching ya ov it, he b faizfull 4 Christ 4 uz, -- Colossians 1 8 he also toldz uz of urz <3 luv <3 in da Spirit. -- Colossians 1 9 So diz b whai, sincz we's heering ov youze, we alwaiz prayz 4 youze 'n askining da Ceiling Cat to givez u skillz ta undehrsthand hiz thingink 'n stufz. -- Colossians 1 10 W iz praing laik diz, so thee live ur laif worthee ov da Bossman 'n maik 'im a happycat in allwaiz: makining edible stufs in evri gud nap, getin' bigr in da thingink and stufz ov the Ceiling Cat, -- Colossians 1 11 b'ing stronged wif all da base laik he wanz so'z u may haz loong napz 'n pacient wait 4 cheezbrgr, 'n hapi -- Colossians 1 12 givin' thanx to da Dadz whu maik u valid 4 inheritunz ov All Saints 'n deir tunez. (r'ly! wan sentincz!) -- Colossians 1 13 4 He iz da wan who savez uz fron lotz ov darkniss (4 He is Cat and seez) 'n gived us dem ginkdom ov theez Son he <3 luvz <3, -- Colossians 1 14 whom wif we haz redempschun, da forgez ov sinz. -- Colossians 1 15 'e is de imigz ov da invisibl Ceiling Cat, da furst cat ovr dem rest. -- Colossians 1 16 4 he maded all stufz: stufz in da hoodz ov da Ceiling Cat 'n stufz on dis planit, visibl an' invisibl, if they iz seatz ov base or bossmen or bossmen ov bossmen, he maded dem 4 himselfz! -- Colossians 1 17 He iz wat iz befor all stufz, and he maik all stufz b. -- Colossians 1 18 He iz da 'ead ov da body, da churchz!: he is da begining and the furst cat from da zombicatz, so whatevir iz he iz bossman! -- Colossians 1 19 4 de Ceiling Cat was hapi to haf everithin in 'im, -- Colossians 1 20 'n be also da settlimnt-maker ov all playces, even if iz in da hoodz ov da Ceiling Cat or on dis planit, so he go to da X and bleedz. -- Colossians 1 21 So, sumtimez befor knauw, u was aliented fron da Ceiling Cat, 'n was enemiez in ur mindz 'cos u waz evyl! -- Colossians 1 22 Buh knauw, he meik settlimnt wif u by Christz bodi dieing to givez u howly in hez sight, no dirtz and bad wurdz - -- Colossians 1 23 if u continus in ur belieffs, rly 'n rly, no thoughz awai fron da hopez in da gospil. Dis is da gospil u haz heardid 'bout 'n iz toldz ta all catz undir da hoodz ov da Ceiling Cat, and ov whicz I'z, Paul, me iz a servants ov. -- Colossians 1 24 So, maik funney (mabbe cheezburgr 2?) 4 wat iz suffrd 4 youze, 'n I'z filling me up wif wat mising wif Christz painz and sufferingz, 4 hiz bodi which b da churzch! -- Colossians 1 25 I'z am servants 'cos the Ceiling Cat azk mi, so I givez u da wurdz ov the Ceiling Cat, srsly! - -- Colossians 1 26 da hidn sicrits ov loong timez, knaw givin ta All Saints. -- Colossians 1 27 Ta dem the Ceiling Cat has pick'd to givez amongk dem non-Jebz dem glawriaws ritches ov dis misteree, and dat is da Christ in you'ze, da hawp ov glawry! -- Colossians 1 28 W sez abaot 'im veri importanz, teling allz, all ov all ov thingink, 'n stufz, so w b purrfec in Christ. -- Colossians 1 29 So diz iz wai I'z works, wif allz ov his stufz, 'n all his base is with mee. -- Colossians 1 1 The church of the Thessalonians, Ceiling Cat haz it. Paul and Silvanus and Timotheus sez to it: "Grace, you haz it. Peace you haz it. Ceiling Cat sez it." -- 1 Thessalonians 1 2 We luvs Ceiling Cat for Invisible Wants!!! -- 1 Thessalonians 1 3 We did remember you, and we did not forgetted it. Ceiling cat saw. -- 1 Thessalonians 1 4 Ceiling Cat won election! Hooray! -- 1 Thessalonians 1 5 Ceiling Cat not just speak, Invisible Cat speak too. -- 1 Thessalonians 1 6 And ye loveded Ceiling Cat, but Invisible Cat hurted you (in good wayz). -- 1 Thessalonians 1 7 Examples? U was it! -- 1 Thessalonians 1 8 Ceiling Cat? U did shout it. Now can stop plz. -- 1 Thessalonians 1 9 You did luvz Monorail Cat, but waz wrong. Ceiling Cat says O RLY? Now you do luvz Ceiling Cat. -- 1 Thessalonians 1 10 And we waiting for Ceiling Cat to make babies from the Ceiling. And he maded a son, but we broked it, but it got fixed. -- 1 Thessalonians 1 1 Finely, bros, we told u how 2 live liek Ceiling Cat sez n as you r. Now we ast u to be moar n moar gud 4 baby Jesus. -- 1 Thessalonians 4 2 4 u know wut we tole u from baby Jesus. -- 1 Thessalonians 4 3 Ceiling Cat wants u 2 go in Invisible ways n not have teh bad sekks. -- 1 Thessalonians 4 4 N each 1 uv u keeps hiz pawz 2 himself -- 1 Thessalonians 4 5 n not be humpin evrytihng liek alley catz in teh heat 'k? Cuz tehy don kno taht Celing Cat is watching em masturbate. -- 1 Thessalonians 4 6 N don be humpin ur bros srsly taht is liek rly gross, k? Ceiling Cat will srsly pwn catz who do dis liek I toled u b4. -- 1 Thessalonians 4 7 Ceiling Cat wantz u to b gud n baff selfz with tungz. -- 1 Thessalonians 4 8 n if u don lissen 2 Ceiling Cat u b rejecting Ceiling Cat who sez u can haz Hover Cat. -- 1 Thessalonians 4 9 U is luvin teh lolcatz 4 sure bcuz we kno Ceiling Cat taught u 2 b luvin. -- 1 Thessalonians 4 10 N u luv all teh bros in Macedonia. U shd luv em maor, but wifout teh humpin liek I sed. Srsly. -- 1 Thessalonians 4 11 stfu, myob, n work wif ur pawz n tungz liek we told u, killin mousies n stuffz. -- 1 Thessalonians 4 12 so teh uvver lolcats will be ur frenz but not has 2 give u cheezburgrs n cookiez n catnip. Tehse u getz on ur own wif ur pawz. -- 1 Thessalonians 4 13 Bros, we wantz u to know about teh ded catz so u not b n00bz. -- 1 Thessalonians 4 14 We kno taht baby Jesus taek teh invisible escalator after he haz ded, n so we believe ded catz will 2. -- 1 Thessalonians 4 15 We who iz still alive don go first wen baby Jesus taek invisible escalator 2nd tiem. Teh ded catz will. -- 1 Thessalonians 4 16 4 baby Jesus taek invisible escalator down from ceiling, n maek lotz of noise n all teh ded catz will come out of teh groun n taek teh invisible escalator 2. We're in ur urf re-animatin ur corpses. -- 1 Thessalonians 4 17 After dat, teh lolcats taht still livin taek invisible escalator 2 ceiling. Up in teh air wif all tohse ded catz. omgwtfbbq. But we b wif baby Jesus n dat makez us teh happycatz. -- 1 Thessalonians 4 18 So u be happy bout floatin aroun wif all teh ded catz even tho tahts so weird. kthxbye. -- 1 Thessalonians 4 1 K, so Paul, Silvanus n Timmy 2 teh church f teh Thessalonians n the Ceiling Cat n teh lurd Jesus. -- 1 Timothy 1 2 "Sup?" -- 1 Timothy 1 3 tnx 2 teh Ceiling Cat cuz we luvs 1nudr. -- 1 Timothy 1 4 So we sez "U is 1337! -- 1 Timothy 1 5 U desrve All teh Bases, but u run out of LOLs to gets em. -- 1 Timothy 1 6 U gets what u gives. -- 1 Timothy 1 7 N to geif u whu r LOL-less napz when the lurd Jesus come wit his Angelz. -- 1 Timothy 1 8 N nasty burninz takn vengunse on those who ignore Ceiling Cat. -- 1 Timothy 1 9 Deze doods will b throwded in2 bath, nevr gettn 2 seez Ceiling Cat, or His 'Magicz'. -- 1 Timothy 1 10 If u believez u gets chezeburgers n cookies frm Ceiling Cat. -- 1 Timothy 1 11 We hopez Ceiling Cat geifz uz chezeburgers n cookiez. -- 1 Timothy 1 12 So teh name f Ceiling Cat will b Gloriefied n u n u n Him cuz he sezs so. -- 1 Timothy 1 1 Srsly gaiz, I sez lawzt of g00dz stuf shud be4 evry1z --> -- 1 Timothy 2 2 evn 4 teh pwn3rcatz n dare frenz, so we kin be liek evrytinz kewlz0rzlawl. -- 1 Timothy 2 3 N teh Ceiling Cat sez itb kewlz0rzlawl2, -- 1 Timothy 2 4 cuz hezliek gaiz, u ned 2b kewl n no whddfxup. -- 1 Timothy 2 5 Cuz derz 1 Ceiling Cat n hiz boikitteh, n tahtz geewhiz, -- 1 Timothy 2 6 u no, teh gai wat sez "imma dy4u2 now kthxbai!!!!!!!!1111eleven111" -- 1 Timothy 2 7 So now iz liek, im heer lisN 2 me n u getz all teh cheezbergrz EVAR. yeh wai! -- 1 Timothy 2 8 Cuz u gaiz havn cheezbergrz wud r00l if ur hapy. -- 1 Timothy 2 9 N grrlz ned 2 not b slutz (liek kep der cookiez 2 derself LOL) o n don look liek teh slutz eeder, -- 1 Timothy 2 10 so dey do kewlztuf 4 teh Ceiling Cat n act liek it. -- 1 Timothy 2 11 Chix shud kep dare cheezkakez n dare bukkitz, xcep wen teh d00dz wan teh cheez n teh kakez. -- 1 Timothy 2 12 I dun wan chix taht sai OHAI --> I sez SHH B KWIET CHIK STFU!!!1 N GOWAI -- 1 Timothy 2 13 Cuz teh Ceiling Cat makededed adum, DEN he makededed eev (lawln00b) so adum pwnd4reel -- 1 Timothy 2 14 O n eev gawt pwnz0rz bai saiten so eev luv teh moufseckz lol. -- 1 Timothy 2 15 But chix kin b kewl n haf cheezbergrz wif d00dz bai hafin n00bz n bien kewl. -- 1 Timothy 2 1 Paul, homie of Jeebus becuz Ceiling Cat sed so, talkin bout cheezburgers frum Jeebus, -- 2 Timothy 1 2 O hai Timothy! Ur teh awesumz. Graysez, mercies, piece of cheezburgers frum Ceiling Cat and Jeebus, f'realz. -- 2 Timothy 1 3 I sez to Ceiling Cat "KTHX!" cuz so didz mah ansesster kittehs n stuff, and Im alwayz thinkin boutchoo night n' dai; -- 2 Timothy 1 4 I'm all like "Whar you beez?" all sad n stuffz cuz I beez filled with feelingz of cheezburgerz if I seez u; -- 2 Timothy 1 5 So like ur momz Eunice and ur grandmomz Lois? U gotz teh same fayth in teh Ceiling Cat as dey do. Like zogm f'realz. -- 2 Timothy 1 6 And like if u putz on my pawz, u gotz teh samez power of teh Ceiling Cat as I doez. Er sumfing. -- 2 Timothy 1 7 Cuz Ceiling Cat dun make us skurred; he give us powerz, lurves, kurrege, n cheezburgers dont forget those LOL. -- 2 Timothy 1 8 O hay, don't beez all skurred n stuff fer beleafin in Ceiling Cat er me in mah litterbox. Totes partakez in teh rotten cheezburgers of teh Ceiling Cat's werdz cuz he's all like "CUZ I SED SO LOLZ!" -- 2 Timothy 1 9 Ceiling Cat wuz like "o hay, u thar, I be callin u, yea u!" not becuz we do speshul tings, but becuz he sed so wai b4 dere wuz kittehs or cheezburgers. -- 2 Timothy 1 10 So Jeebus is rollin up in hurr and he be bringin cheezburgers 4evarz fer all kittehs. -- 2 Timothy 1 11 So like cuz of all dis I'm gonna say sum tingz. U can call me Apossal! I teach teh Gentilez. -- 2 Timothy 1 12 Sumtymz I goez without cheezburgers but is aight. Ceiling Cat got mah bak. Srsly. -- 2 Timothy 1 13 Im sayin sound stuffz here, k? Jeebus agreez. Don't be hatin. -- 2 Timothy 1 14 Don't give awai ur cheezeburgers. Jus in case Holey Ghosty over herr keep lookout on dem, k? -- 2 Timothy 1 15 U kno dis! All demz kittehs in teh Asia be turnin thar baks. Dey be Phygellus and Hermogenes jus in cays u wan 2 kno. -- 2 Timothy 1 16 I hopez Ceiling Cat b nice 2 litterbox o' Onsephorus! He wuz cool and reprezented. -- 2 Timothy 1 17 Dis one tyme in Roam he lookt 4 me and wuz like "O hay!! I c u thar!" -- 2 Timothy 1 18 Ceiling Cat shud totes give him cheezburgers. He sed lots o tings to me in Ephesus, but u kno dis so I wont bore u LOL. -- 2 Timothy 1 1 Oh hai, Paul workz for teh Ceiling Cat an is laik best matez wiv Baby Jesus, srsly, so tehre, kthxbye. -- Titus 1 2 Laik ages ago, teh Ceiling Cat sed he canned live forevers, srsly. -- Titus 1 3 An he sedded some gud stuffs, cos Ceiling Cat who is l33t, made him do it, but did not eated him. -- Titus 1 4 Titus, you can has cheezburgrs plz? -- Titus 1 5 U has been in teh Crete, doin gud stuffs an givin jobz to old kittehs in teh cities. -- Titus 1 6 Gud pplz can has one wife plz? And their kidz better not be getting asbos or bein chavs, srsly. -- Titus 1 7 Old pplz wiv tall hatz gotted to be gud, coz workin for teh Ceiling Cat. That meanz no catnipz, no fightin on teh garden fence, no scratchin other kittehs, an not pooin on teh monies, kthx. -- Titus 1 8 But also gotted to be party pplz, still no catnipz tho LOL, an be kind an laikin teh good men (but no buttsecks!) and stuffs. -- Titus 1 9 Sed stuffs laik "Ai gotted teh truth, srsly, so can all pplz believe mai now plz? kthxbye." -- Titus 1 10 Coz lotz pplz sez all kindz of bad lyin stuffs, specially after trip to vetz for teh newteringz. -- Titus 1 11 They sedded lies an bad stuffs just for teh monies, an should STFU! kthx -- Titus 1 12 Even one of teh bad pplz sedded Cretians are lying, bad puppehs, an slow. So tehre. -- Titus 1 13 Ai is not lyin, srsly! Go get teh water pistol an shootz tehm! -- Titus 1 14 That way they is listenin to truth of teh Ceiling Cat, not bad stuffz. -- Titus 1 15 Gud pplz gotted gud minds, but bad pplz thinkz bad thoghts. -- Titus 1 16 Dey is laik, "Oh hai Ceiling Cat!" to his face, but tryin bite him when turnz round, and pooin outside teh litter tray an stuffs. -- Titus 1 1 Say proper good stuffs, -- Titus 2 2 Like old menz should stay off teh catnipz an be patient an other good stuffz -- Titus 2 3 Old womnz too, should be gud, stay off teh catnipz an be sayin good stuffs -- Titus 2 4 To teh young womnz, like stay off teh catnipz, an luv their husbandz an kidz. kthx. -- Titus 2 5 Or not get caught, anywayz, so no bad secks, stay home and be doin wot husbandz say, otherwise Ceiling Cat wud be p1ssed off. Srsly. -- Titus 2 6 Teh young menz, just stay off teh catnipz,k? -- Titus 2 7 Oh, an be gud. -- Titus 2 8 Oh an dont sez teh silly stuffs, so that other kittehs cant say LMAO k? -- Titus 2 9 Oh an do what teh bosses sez an dont be cheeky, -- Titus 2 10 An not steeling bukkits or cookies cos is white collar crime an this looks bad on Ceiling Cat, kthx? -- Titus 2 11 Cos Ceiling Cat's pwr is savin us an everyone knows it, so tehre. -- Titus 2 12 So dont do bad stuffs or has teh bad secks, and stay off teh catnipz for now -- Titus 2 13 Cos then Baby Jesus might turn up on his invisible bike an bring cheezburgrs! -- Titus 2 14 An you know he dedded for us, so we owez him, kthxbye. -- Titus 2 15 So tehre. -- Titus 2 1 Oh an case u forgetz, resepct teh pwrs that be, do good stuffz, -- Titus 3 2 No lying, pwning or fightin on teh garden fence an stuffz. -- Titus 3 3 Cos we wuz all silly, cheeky an enjoyin bad secks. Tehre wuz lotz of hating an pplz got pwned a lot. -- Titus 3 4 But then Ceiling Cat came -- Titus 3 5 An saveded us by peein teh Holy Spirit, maid fuzzyz wet, oh noes, do not want! An just cos he felt laik it, k? -- Titus 3 6 Oh an Baby Jesus made lotz Holy Spirit come out, but did not eated it. -- Titus 3 7 This meanz might live forevers tho, so not just wet furz for nothing. -- Titus 3 8 So tehre. An keep saying it, so Ceiling Cat pplz has reason to keep doing gud stuffz. Which makes all teh pplz happeh, kthx. -- Titus 3 9 No point arguing about all this, so wai bother? -- Titus 3 10 Well, k, give shouty pplz 2 warnings, then say "Go away! Do not want!" -- Titus 3 11 They prob bad pplz anyway. Srsly. -- Titus 3 12 Oh an BTW, when Artemas or Tychicus get there, can u be coming to Nicopolis, cos ai is on ski-ing holiday. Kthx. -- Titus 3 13 Oh an give Zenas teh lawyer an Appollos cookies an bukkits, an other helpful stuffs. -- Titus 3 14 Pplz gotz to lern to do gud stuffz, srsly. -- Titus 3 15 Everywun sez hai, BTW. Kthxbye. -- Titus 3 1 Oh an case u forgetz, resepct teh pwrs that be, do good stuffz, -- Titus 3 2 No lying, pwning or fightin on teh garden fence an stuffz. -- Titus 3 3 Cos we wuz all silly, cheeky an enjoyin bad secks. Tehre wuz lotz of hating an pplz got pwned a lot. -- Titus 3 4 But then Ceiling Cat came -- Titus 3 5 An saveded us by peein teh Holy Spirit, maid fuzzyz wet, oh noes, do not want! An just cos he felt laik it, k? -- Titus 3 6 Oh an Baby Jesus made lotz Holy Spirit come out, but did not eated it. -- Titus 3 7 This meanz might live forevers tho, so not just wet furz for nothing. -- Titus 3 8 So tehre. An keep saying it, so Ceiling Cat pplz has reason to keep doing gud stuffz. Which makes all teh pplz happeh, kthx. -- Titus 3 9 No point arguing about all this, so wai bother? -- Titus 3 10 Well, k, give shouty pplz 2 warnings, then say "Go away! Do not want!" -- Titus 3 11 They prob bad pplz anyway. Srsly. -- Titus 3 12 Oh an BTW, when Artemas or Tychicus get there, can u be coming to Nicopolis, cos ai is on ski-ing holiday. Kthx. -- Titus 3 13 Oh an give Zenas teh lawyer an Appollos cookies an bukkits, an other helpful stuffs. -- Titus 3 14 Pplz gotz to lern to do gud stuffz, srsly. -- Titus 3 15 Everywun sez hai, BTW. Kthxbye. -- Titus 3 1 Hey Joos! In teh olden dais, ur olden dais kittehs speakd bout ur Ceiling Cat at bunchiz of tiemez in bunchiz of wayz, -- Hebrews 1 2 But, in thees lahst caturdais Ceiling Cat haz speakd to u wif his Baby Jesus, hoo will haz all teh stuffs, n hoo haz helpd Ceiling Cat mak all teh stuffs, -- Hebrews 1 3 n hoo iz holdin togethr all teh stuffs, cuz he's all liek, "Mah werd iz pwnage!" Baby Jesus iz teh beemz from teh Celing Cat's flashliet, n iz teh spittin imij of teh Celing Cat. He iz represtin! He haz sit down wif Ceiling Cat in teh Ceiling chair cuz he haz all done wif givin teh soapz for cleanin mah 3vilz and ur 3vilz. -- Hebrews 1 4 So, he iz haz bettr n all teh anjulz liek his nayem iz haz bettr n all teh anjulz. He haz teh reputashun iz 999 exaltd in teh Ceilingz. -- Hebrews 1 5 Cuz teh Ceiling Cat sez, "UR mah kitteh! srsly!" Celeing Cat never telld dis to teh anjuls. He only sez dis to his king kitteh on teh earthz, fer realz. -- Hebrews 1 6 Furdermorz, when Ceiling Cat brungded his bestest to from teh Ceilings to teh earthz, hez all likes, "Yo anjulz! Dis mah kitteh! Yoos worship mah kitteh! Thnx." -- Hebrews 1 1 O hai Philemon, iz Paul n mai bro Timothy. -- Philemon 1 2 N hai 2 Apphia and Archippus. N 2 evrywun. -- Philemon 1 3 May Ceiling Cat gib u many Cheezburgerz. -- Philemon 1 4 I tol Ceiling Cat bout u wen I wuz prayin. -- Philemon 1 5 I biggid u up. Srsly. -- Philemon 1 6 I hopez ur faiths is goode becuz u sees teh goode stuffs we can maek fore teh Ceiling Cat. -- Philemon 1 7 Ur luff n 'currigment maeks me LOL, becuz teh hartz uf teh saynts is moar bettr, k mah brudder? -- Philemon 1 8 So u no I's not skared of makin u do stuff, rite? -- Philemon 1 9 But U shuld do teh stuffs becuz I (BTW: I iz Paul; I iz teh olde an i iz prizner for Christ) luffs u. -- Philemon 1 10 I iz does tihs becuz uf Onesimus, him iz liek mah kidz. -- Philemon 1 11 Him wuz teh n00b, but naow he haz teh uses and can does teh stuffs. -- Philemon 1 12 I sendz him--him mah hartz!--2 u naow, k? -- Philemon 1 13 I lieks him 2 b wif me, becuz he can do teh stuffs insted uf u becuz I iz prizner -- Philemon 1 14 but I duznt lieks do teh stuffs taht maeks u sez "Do not want!" -- Philemon 1 15 Idk, mebbe him iz gon so taht him can be bak l8r? -- Philemon 1 16 Ha! Hiz not ur slave, hiz liek teh brudder, kinda fore me and a lotz fore u, he iz srsly brudder and invisible brudder. -- Philemon 1 17 So u giv Onesimus cheezburgr. Fries too, laik u giv me, k? -- Philemon 1 18 Honest, I pay for cheezburgr. -- Philemon 1 19 Srlsy, I willz! I mean, u owe me rite? -- Philemon 1 20 Can has a bukkit of pepsy 2? Kthx. -- Philemon 1 21 I knoes taht u will does what i sez an moar. U rock! -- Philemon 1 22 BTW: I mite comes and lives wif u guys l8r. -- Philemon 1 23 Epaphras iz prizner too. He sez "Oh hai." -- Philemon 1 24 Mark, Aristarchus, Demas, and Luke sez "Oh hai." -- Philemon 1 25 Cheez! Kthxbai. -- Philemon 1 1 Hey Joos! In teh olden dais, ur olden dais kittehs speakd bout ur Ceiling Cat at bunchiz of tiemez in bunchiz of wayz, -- Hebrews 1 2 But, in thees lahst caturdais Ceiling Cat haz speakd to u wif his Baby Jesus, hoo will haz all teh stuffs, n hoo haz helpd Ceiling Cat mak all teh stuffs, -- Hebrews 1 3 n hoo iz holdin togethr all teh stuffs, cuz he's all liek, "Mah werd iz pwnage!" Baby Jesus iz teh beemz from teh Celing Cat's flashliet, n iz teh spittin imij of teh Celing Cat. He iz represtin! He haz sit down wif Ceiling Cat in teh Ceiling chair cuz he haz all done wif givin teh soapz for cleanin mah 3vilz and ur 3vilz. -- Hebrews 1 4 So, he iz haz bettr n all teh anjulz liek his nayem iz haz bettr n all teh anjulz. He haz teh reputashun iz 999 exaltd in teh Ceilingz. -- Hebrews 1 5 Cuz teh Ceiling Cat sez, "UR mah kitteh! srsly!" Celeing Cat never telld dis to teh anjuls. He only sez dis to his king kitteh on teh earthz, fer realz. -- Hebrews 1 6 Furdermorz, when Ceiling Cat brungded his bestest to from teh Ceilings to teh earthz, hez all likes, "Yo anjulz! Dis mah kitteh! Yoos worship mah kitteh! Thnx." -- Hebrews 1 1 James wuz a cool guy and he leiked Ceiling Cat and Jesus. -- James 1 2 And James said its cool if you mess up a little bit cuz that happens sometimes. -- James 1 3 So leik, if u cant has cheezburger now, maybe you can has cheezberger in a little bit. -- James 1 4 But mebe u can never has cheezberger and mebe be ok wit dat. -- James 1 5 So leik dat was a little confusing mebe so you can ask Ceiling Cat for the FAQ. -- James 1 6 But don't ask anyone else cuz dey wont have the most recent FAQ vershun. Only Ceiling Cat, k? -- James 1 7 But Ceiling Cat is reelly buzy sometimes so u cant has cheezberger for sure. But sometimes u can. -- James 1 8 And don't be a spaz about it. -- James 1 9 And, really, if you can't has cheezburger all the time I tink dats pretty cool. -- James 1 10 Cuz sum dudes has cheezberger leik every second and dats not so cool but its k cuz they gonna die. -- James 1 11 And leik, dey can have a billion cheezbergers but den they die anyway so who cares? -- James 1 12 But if ur not all whiny and stuff bout cheezberger you can has powerups from the Ceiling Cat. -- James 1 13 But leik dont be all jealous of the Ceiling Cat cuz that'd make him look bad and he's cool. -- James 1 14 But it happesn a lot so pay attention, k? -- James 1 15 Cuz when it happens ur gonna want cheezbergers like times 10,000 and den ur gonna die just wanting more cheezbergers. -- James 1 16 So dont do dat, k? -- James 1 17 Oh and everting good that will ever happen to you is because of the Ceiling Cat. Now u see why I like him, lol. -- James 1 18 And he wrote that FAQ for us so we should thank him and stuff. -- James 1 19 And like STFU when Ceiling Cat is talking. Also chill out, no TKs. -- James 1 20 Cuz leik Ceiling Cat doesnut like it sometimes. -- James 1 21 And stop DL so much porn. -- James 1 22 But make sure u unnerstand the FAQ before you start playing around. -- James 1 23 But dont just read the FAQ, do sum of the examples too cuz dey helpful. -- James 1 24 And leik, dont think ur all hot soup cuz you just read the FAQ. -- James 1 25 So leik, make sure you do the stuff right. Don't just talk about it, k? -- James 1 26 Cuz leik some peple just read the FAQ once and den tell other people whats in the FAQ all the time and its annoying. -- James 1 27 So leik if ur gonna tell other people about the FAQ make sure you do what it says too. -- James 1 1 Hay guys Ceiling Cat doeznt like us makin favrits. -- James 2 2 If a cat comes an haz liek a cookie an other cat only has veggiez -- James 2 3 Dont sayz to cookie cat "Hay ur ma favrit lol" and to veggie cat liek "U haz veggie soz I don't like u." -- James 2 4 That means u is judgin an thatz bad k? -- James 2 5 Ceiling Cat totally sed cats with no cheezburger on urth haz lots of cheezburgers in ceiling if they luv Ceiling Cat. -- James 2 6 But u iz mean to cat wit no cheezburger. Cats wit cheezburger and cookie is the onez who are liek mean to u. -- James 2 7 Thay dont like Ceiling Cat and so they iz the bad ones k? -- James 2 8 If u luvz other kitteh as much as u luvz urself, thats good. -- James 2 9 But if u iz like "I like this kitteh moar than that kitteh" u iz breakin' the ruls. -- James 2 10 Even if u iz like good most of teh times, but one time is like "oh noes, I brake a rule" then itz like u brake all the rulz. -- James 2 11 Ceiling Cat sed "Dont liek hurt each other k" but also "Dont take each otherz cookie k". So if u iz liek "Im in ur kitchn takn ur cookiez" but doesnt hurt other kitteh, uz is still brakin' rulz. -- James 2 12 So do wat tha ruls say -- James 2 13 cos Ceiling Cat will b rly hard on cat who haz been mean to other kitteh. Luv winz. -- James 2 14 Its no use if cat is liek "Hay Ceiling Cat I believe u is in mah ceiling" but cat dusnt do good things. Kittehs belief iznt gonna halp. Srsly. -- James 2 15 If ur friend is teh hungriez -- James 2 16 and u is like "I want you to eat" but iz not giving him a cheezburger, u r useless. -- James 2 17 So liek thinking Ceiling Cat iz in ceiling is useless if u r not halping other kittehs. -- James 2 18 U can show u think Ceiling Cat is in ur ceiling by being good kitteh. -- James 2 19 Just believing iz no gud. Even satan is like "O hi Ceiling Cat, how iz ur ceiling today?" -- James 2 20 Silly kittah, u want proof? -- James 2 21 Wusnt ur gret gret gret granddad Abraham gud when he was like "ok Ceiling Cat, I will like kill mah son for u if u is sayin' so". -- James 2 22 Wut he did proofed he wuz like "Oh hi Ceiling Cat, u is ttly in mah ceiling." -- James 2 23 So what waz sed was true and Abraham wuz liek Ceiling Cat's bff. -- James 2 24 Now is u undrstnd? -- James 2 25 Wasnt even Rahab (who was liek "oh hi there. I willz be ur friend for cookiez") a gud kitteh when she ttly trickded those spy d00dz? -- James 2 26 So liek u no how a burger with no cheez is not want? Beleevin' Ceiling Cat but being a bad kitteh is the sames. K? -- James 2 1 Peter, who leiked to hang wit teh Jeebus, To teh ppls who leik Jeebus in a bunch of places, -- 1 Peter 1 2 Hope u has peace and no lions, lol. -- 1 Peter 1 3 Jeebus’ dad, Ceiling Cat, is win, cauze he gave us Jeebus and made him a zombie, -- 1 Peter 1 4 and will let us has chzburgurs and cookies wit him latr, -- 1 Peter 1 5 if u leik him. -- 1 Peter 1 6 Don’t run out of happy cuz some stuff is teh sux, -- 1 Peter 1 7 cookies and chzburgurs r better than gold, -- 1 Peter 1 8 and tho Ceiling Cat is leik invisible bike, -- 1 Peter 1 9 u can has them if u leik Jeebus and believe in Ceiling Cat. -- 1 Peter 1 10 Of teh chzburgurs and cookies many ppls said “srsly, y u do this?” -- 1 Peter 1 11 and “when can i has chzburgurz and cookies?” -- 1 Peter 1 12 Ceiling Cat said “have hugs teim wit ppls cuz i said so.” -- 1 Peter 1 13 "leik Jeebus." -- 1 Peter 1 14 "and don’t b a n00b." -- 1 Peter 1 15 U must have win to be wit the Jeebus, -- 1 Peter 1 16 it’s written “be win, cuz I’m win.” -- 1 Peter 1 17 If u ask stuff of Ceiling Cat, who sees wut u did there and knoes if it is win or fail, -- 1 Peter 1 18 u r able to go has cookies and chzburgurz not cuz of gold -- 1 Peter 1 19 knoes that u r win cuz Jeebus bleeded. -- 1 Peter 1 20 Jeebus had an I win button 4 us -- 1 Peter 1 21 who leik him and Ceiling Cat. -- 1 Peter 1 22 Cuz u leik Jeebus and Ceiling Cat, -- 1 Peter 1 23 u r tiny kittn and ur full of win -- 1 Peter 1 24 cuz -- 1 Peter 1 25 But Ceiling Cat will always b.” -- 1 Peter 1 1 So, by stopping being n00b -- 1 Peter 2 2 we r leik tiny kittns that can grow -- 1 Peter 2 3 if we knoes that Ceiling Cat is win. -- 1 Peter 2 4 Come to Jeebus, cuz Ceiling Cat thinks ur special -- 1 Peter 2 5 and give Ceiling Cat cool stuff thru Jeebus. -- 1 Peter 2 6 It says “look, i’m in ur base And I pwn And he who leiks Ceiling Cat wins” -- 1 Peter 2 7 To u who leik Ceiling Cat, but have no ears and can’t hear him “you fail -- 1 Peter 2 8 and are teh sux.” -- 1 Peter 2 9 But Ceiling Cat leiks u lots -- 1 Peter 2 10 and u can has cookies. -- 1 Peter 2 11 Don’t do stuff you leik that Ceiling Cat doesn’t leik, cuz Ceilng Cat do not want, -- 1 Peter 2 12 but b good, cuz that equals win with Ceiling Cat. -- 1 Peter 2 13 So do what Ceiling cat wants -- 1 Peter 2 14 even if the ppl r bad -- 1 Peter 2 15 cuz this Ceiling Cat does want -- 1 Peter 2 16 cuz u r teh paws of Ceiling Cat. -- 1 Peter 2 17 Has hugs teim wit every1 and listen to Ceiling Cat. -- 1 Peter 2 18 Listen to ppl who are less n00b than u -- 1 Peter 2 19 cuz this is good, if sum1 steals ur bukkit and u r sad but don’t hurt the one who took ur bukkit. -- 1 Peter 2 20 Ceiling Cat approves of this. -- 1 Peter 2 21 U do this cuz Jeebus did it -- 1 Peter 2 22 “i wuz good, lol” -- 1 Peter 2 23 and Jeebus was always nice to teh ppls. -- 1 Peter 2 24 And we can have chzbururz and were healed by teh powr of Jeebus. -- 1 Peter 2 25 We were n00bs, but Jeebus takes teh n00b awai. -- 1 Peter 2 1 Teh ladiez should listen to their huzbanz, cuz if teh gai messes up, his wiv is leik is ok I has it -- 1 Peter 3 2 when they see whut u did there. -- 1 Peter 3 3 Don’t have win on just the outside, -- 1 Peter 3 4 let it be win on the inside to Ceiling Cat. -- 1 Peter 3 5 Cuz it was leik this a long tiem ago -- 1 Peter 3 6 when Sarah listened to Abraham and u can b leik her. -- 1 Peter 3 7 Huzbanz, be good to your wiv, cuz Ceiling Cat leiks this. -- 1 Peter 3 8 K, and has hugs tiem wit every1 -- 1 Peter 3 9 and give cookies and chzbururz to ppl who steal ur bukkit so Ceiling Cat gives u cookies and chzburgurz. -- 1 Peter 3 10 Cuz “he who has cookie, and chzburgurz and win." -- 1 Peter 3 11 Let him say do not want to fail and spread win -- 1 Peter 3 12 cuz Ceiling Cat sees wut u did there and leiks it, but sez do not want fail” -- 1 Peter 3 13 And who will steal ur bukkit if u leik Ceiling Cat? -- 1 Peter 3 14 But even if some stuff is teh sux, u can has chzburgurz from Ceiling Cat. -- 1 Peter 3 15 Make sure that if ppl r leik wtf? U tell them bout Ceiling Cat -- 1 Peter 3 16 and remember Ceiling Cat gives u cookies and chzburgurz if they r like “lol, o rly? U sux.” -- 1 Peter 3 17 But its better to b told u sux and leik Ceiling Cat, cuz he has chzburgurz and win. -- 1 Peter 3 18 Jeebus was once in the same spot, srsly, -- 1 Peter 3 19 but he went and sed “hai, Ceiling Cat pwns” to prizners -- 1 Peter 3 20 who were leik the ppl who weren’t cool leik Noah and teh ppl on his boat. -- 1 Peter 3 21 Teh water of baptizim saves us and gives us chance for chzburgurz thru Jeebus -- 1 Peter 3 22 who went to hang wit Ceiling Cat. -- 1 Peter 3 1 K so thsi iz bout Word of Lief whihc waz from beginin n we herd n saw wiht ar aiz n tuchd wiht ar pawz -- 1 John 1 2 An Lief waz reveeld, n we saw n wer liek "OMG LOOK AT" n we dugg it n rote in hedlien "ETEARNL LIEF WIT FAHTER AND WAZ REVEELD 4 US!!!1" -- 1 John 1 3 No Rly, It tru!!! -- 1 John 1 4 Is ROFLCOPTER awsom! -- 1 John 1 5 Baby Jeezuz sais Ceiling Cat is made of win, he cannot has failz. -- 1 John 1 6 If you be down wit Ceiling Cat but has failz, u fail alwayz. -- 1 John 1 7 But if u be down wit Ceiling Cat and haz win, you can has baff wit Baby Jeezuz and cleaneded all ur evulz. -- 1 John 1 8 you all has evulz, +1 truth. -- 1 John 1 9 Telded the Ceiling Cat bout ur evulz and he will be leik iz OK datz kewl. -- 1 John 1 10 Donut be tellin leiz to Ceiling Cat. -- 1 John 1 1 lissen kidz, Baby Jeezus will telleded Ceiling Cats bout ur evulz for you! srs. -- 1 John 2 2 Baby Jeezuz will tellded Ceiling Cat for everyone! Wow dats rly kewl of him. -- 1 John 2 3 Just be doin whut Ceiling Cats sais. -- 1 John 2 4 If you donut, den ur not rly down with Ceiling Cat -- 1 John 2 5 if u obayz den ur down with the C-A-T, ya u no me. -- 1 John 2 6 u wanna act like da Baby Jeezuz do. -- 1 John 2 7 Now I telded u some old stuffz dat is kinda new but iz old too. -- 1 John 2 8 Baby Jeezus isagunna fire his lazerz and go PEW PEW PEW to da dark scary stuffs. -- 1 John 2 9 if ur playa hatin den no lazerz 4 u. -- 1 John 2 10 But if ur ballin den you can has lazerz. Win! -- 1 John 2 11 Dems playa haterz has dark and scary stuffs frevrndevr. Fail. -- 1 John 2 12 ur my babiez and Baby Jeezus leik other babiez. -- 1 John 2 13 babiez daddiez has made Debil Kitty ded. Little daddiez has killded the badstuffs. -- 1 John 2 14 Daddiez has knowed da Ceiling Cat foreveraneveranever. Little daddiez has the strongness, and have killded all the badstuffs. -- 1 John 2 15 Ur not sposed to luv da werld. Not enythin in da werld. If u luv da werld, u not luv da Ceiling Cat. -- 1 John 2 16 All the stuffs in da werld is evul, and not Ceiling Cat stuffs. -- 1 John 2 17 Da werld gonna die, but not the Ceiling Cat. And not da babiez who luv da Ceiling Cat. -- 1 John 2 1 Hoewz grait iz teh luv teh Father haz lavizhd on uz, dat we is be called childz ov Ceiling Cat! And dat is wut we r! Teh reazonz teh wurldz does not be knowingz us iz dat it is be not know him. -- 1 John 3 2 Der fwiendz, now we iz be childrenz of Ceiling Cat, and wut we will be haz not being maded known. But we iz b knowing dat wen he apyrz, we shal be like him, coz we shall seez him as he is be being. -- 1 John 3 3 Evry1 hu is be haz dis hope in him purifyz himzself, juzt az he is being purez n stuff. -- 1 John 3 4 Evry1 hu sinz brakez teh law; in fakt, sinz is lawzlesnesss. -- 1 John 3 5 But u know dat he apyrd so dat he mite takez our sinz and giv us cookies! And in him iz be no sinz. No1 hu livz in him keepz on sinningz. -- 1 John 3 6 No1 hu conteenuz to sinz hav ethar seenz him or knownz him. -- 1 John 3 7 Deerz childrnz, du nit let pplz leed u astray wiv cookies. He hu is be doing wut iz rite iz richus, juzt as he is be richus. -- 1 John 3 8 He doez wut iz sinzfull ov teh devilz, coz teh devilz haz bean siningz from teh beginz! Teh reasonz teh Son of Ceiling Cat apyred waz to asplode teh devilz wurkz. -- 1 John 3 9 No1 hu iz bornz of Ceiling Cat will continzu to sinz, ciz Ceiling Cat's seed remaynz in him; he cannot go on siningz, cos he haz been born ov Ceiling Cat. -- 1 John 3 10 Thiz iz how we iz be knowing hu teh childrnz of Ceiling Cat r and hu teh childrnz of teh devilz r: Any1 hu duz not du wut iz rite iz not a childz of Ceiling Cat; nor iz any1 hu duz not luv hiz bro. -- 1 John 3 11 Dis iz teh mezzag u herd from teh begginingz: We shud Luv 1 anuva. -- 1 John 3 12 Du not be liek Cain, hu iz belongz to teh EVILZ 1 and murdzored hiz bro. And y did he be murdzoring hiz bro? coz hiz own actchonz wer EVILZ and hiz bro'z wer richus and he had cookies. -- 1 John 3 13 Do not b being surprized, my broz, if teh wurld hatez u. -- 1 John 3 14 We know dat we haz passd frim deth 2 lif, coz we luv our broz ova our hoes. Any1 hu iz not b loving remaynz in deth. -- 1 John 3 15 Any1 hu hatez his bro is a murdzora, and u know dat no murdzora haz eternal lif or any cookies. -- 1 John 3 16 Dis iz how we is be knowing wut luv iz: Jebus Kryzt layd down hiz lif 4 us. And we is b shuld lay down our lifz 4 our broz. -- 1 John 3 17 If Any1 haz materyal pozeshionz and seez hiz bro in need but haz no pity on him, how can teh luv of Ceiling Cat be in him? -- 1 John 3 1 Deer frenz, do not bleev every invisible cat, but giv em quizzes liek in sk00l lol 2 see if tehy r from Ceiling Cat, bcuz lotsa fake profits iz gone into teh wurld. -- 1 John 4 2 Yu can tell teh Hover Cat is tehere n from Ceiling Cat if teh invisible cat sez taht Baby Jesus iz come in teh flesh from Ceiling Cat. Win. -- 1 John 4 3 but evry invisible cat taht sez Baby Jesus iz not from Ceiling Cat is teh ebil. Theze invisible catz iz $ANTICHRIST invisible catz. Fail. I tole u iz coming n is already heer. Srsly. U tihnk mebbe $ANTICHRIST teh d00d in teh Left Behind bookz but tehy rly invisible catz n heer right now! OH NOES!1!!11 -- 1 John 4 4 U, deer kittehz, r from Ceiling Cat n pwn teh $ANTICHRIST invisible cat bcuz teh 1 in u (tahtz baby Jesus) pwns teh 1 in teh world (tahtz ebil $ANTICHRIST invisible cat). Win. -- 1 John 4 5 teh ebil $ANTICHRIST invisble catz iz from teh wurld n talkz liek teh wurld seez n teh wurld lissenz 2 em. -- 1 John 4 6 We r from teh Ceiling Cat n catz taht kno teh Ceiling Cat lissen 2 us; but teh catz not from Ceiling cat do not lissen. Tahtz how we know teh invisible cat taht tellz u true n teh invisible cat taht tells u liez. -- 1 John 4 7 Frenz, letz b luvin each uvver wif hugz n purrz n cheezburgrz n stuffz 4 teh luv come from teh Ceiling Cat. All teh cats who luv haz been bornded uv teh Ceiling Cat n knos teh Ceiling Cat. -- 1 John 4 8 Teh catz taht do not luv do not kno teh Ceiling Cat bcuz teh Ceiling Cat is teh luv. -- 1 John 4 9 This is how teh Ceiling Cat showz us hiz luv: he sendz hiz 1 n only kitteh (tahtz baby Jesus, n00b!) down from teh ceiling so catz ken live thru him. -- 1 John 4 10 Tihs is teh luv: not taht we luvz teh Ceiling Cat (we doez!), but taht he luvs us and sendz us hiz kitteh to get killded 4 our invisible errors n maded tehm go awai now kthxbai. -- 1 John 4 11 Deer frenz, since teh Ceiling Cat luvz us, we shld srsly luv each uvver 2, k? -- 1 John 4 12 No cat haz seended teh Ceiling Cat, but if we luvz each uvver teh Ceiling Cat lives in our ceiling n hiz luvz is made full in us. -- 1 John 4 13 We kno taht we live in him n h livez in us bcuz he sez we can haz Hover Cat. -- 1 John 4 14 N we haz seen n sez taht teh Pa (tahtz Ceiling Cat) haz sended hiz Kitteh (tahtz baby Jezuz) to save teh wurld. -- 1 John 4 15 Any cat taht sez Baby Jesus is teh Kitteh uv teh Ceiling Cat, teh Ceilng Cat move in wif dat cat. Srsly. -- 1 John 4 17 In tihs way, teh luv is made rly full in teh catz so tehy getz all fat wif teh cheezburgrz n cookiez n stuffz taht teh Ceiling Cat sez tehy can haz.. N on teh day wen Baby Jesus grade teh invisible test we srsly n roll leik a 20 bcuz in tihs wurld we b liek baby Jesus. -- 1 John 4 16 N so we kno n relai on teh luv Ceiling Cat haz 4 us. Ceiling Cat is teh luv. Teh catz taht live in teh luv live in teh Ceiling Cat n teh Ceiling Cat livez in him. -- 1 John 4 18 Tehre iz no bein skeered in luv. Perfick luv send teh skeer awai bcuz bein skeered iz about bein pwned. Teh 1 who is skeered iz not made perfick in luv (cuz Ceiling Cat in him n Ceiling Cat pwnz, member?) bcuz taht 1 knos hez not gettin pwned. -- 1 John 4 19 We luv bcuz teh Ceiling Cat luvvded us frst n sez we can haz cheezburgrz. -- 1 John 4 20 Any cat taht sez "I luv teh Ceiling Cat luvluvluv him" n hatez hiz bro, he liez. Fail. 4 any cat taht hatz hiz bro taht he seez, cant luv teh Ceiling Cat whoz invisible. -- 1 John 4 21 N he sez 2 us: "If u luvz teh Ceiling Cat u must luv ur bro." n stop fitin over teh cheezburgrs srsly! Kittehs! -- 1 John 4